Mental Load: Feel More Joy & Drop The Invisible Weight
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Why are the holidays stressful for women?
Everyone says the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, but for many people, especially women, it's the most stressful time of the year. And it can be more stressful than joyful. It's like you're carrying all the responsibility of making sure the magic happens on your shoulders. All the decor looking just right, every gift for all of your people, every meal, every moment of cheer, all on you. There's a term for this. No, it's not hostess with the mostest like we said back in the 50s. It's actually called the mental load. And if you're the one carrying it, it can really be a party pooper.
What is the mental load?
So today we're talking about what mental load actually is, and more importantly, how to lighten the load this holiday season and beyond so you can actually enjoy yourself too. Hi, it's Hillary. Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. Just in the last few years, we're hearing conversations about mental load. And I don't know who came up with that phrase, but thank you, whoever you are. Because language is powerful and just having words to label something that has really been going on for decades is a game changer. It validates our experiences and allows us to have more productive conversations about it.
What is the first step to changing your role?
So mental load is the invisible burden of remembering all the things that that need to happen in order to keep a family or household flowing and functioning. It goes beyond doing all the work of getting things done, which is a major issue on its own, but it's remembering and keeping a mental catalog and a checklist and a timeline, keeping track of everything that needs to be done.
What does setting internal boundaries mean?
It's the planning, the organizing, the preparing, the remembering, the anticipating. Who needs to be where and when? What's for dinner? Did the dog get vaccinated?
How to communicate changes in household responsibilities?
And holiday time just compounds the list because all of the gift giving and the parties and the dinners and the decor and all the outfits, all the shoulds that are going on when it's supposed to be fun can leave us exhausted and spent, maybe even creating a love-hate relationship with the holiday season. Are you nodding your head right now? While the mental load can be shared, let's face it, most of the time, women carry the majority of it. I definitely needed this language years ago because I too was feeling crushed under the weight of my mental load. And despite my best efforts to explain it to my husband, it didn't really shift enough. I literally used to tell him, I'm doing all the unfun parts of parenting and running this household. And I would rattle off a list to him, knowing that much of it were things that he never even considered at all. Even just small things like going through the kids' dressers and pulling out the things they outgrew, then giving it all away, and then buying the new things, right? Like,
We just don't think about these things, but they do need to get done. These things don't just magically take care of themselves. Someone is doing it. So we laugh about it now. And we have this inner joke saying things like the trash isn't going to take itself out. The floor isn't going to sweep itself. We laugh about it now. But I carried that load for many years, all while also running my private practice and managing that business. It really just was a lot and very overwhelming. Like most loving but perhaps clueless partners who do mean well, he would just say, just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I'm happy to help. And I just kept saying, I don't want to have to tell you.
What is the importance of embracing 'good enough'?
I just want you to know I don't want to have to ask for help. Asking for help can sometimes feel like just one more thing on the to-do list, something that we have to deal with. I just want you to know what needs to be done and to do it. and to do it without cause for celebration. Honey, I remembered the trash day. Yay you! Right?
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why are the holidays stressful for women?
0:00–0:35
2
What is the mental load?
0:35–1:32
3
How can we lighten the mental load this holiday season?
1:32
4
What is the first step to changing your role?
1:32–1:58
5
What does setting internal boundaries mean?
1:58–2:07
6
How to communicate changes in household responsibilities?
2:07–3:45
7
What is the importance of embracing 'good enough'?
3:45–4:26
8
How can you prioritize your own joy during the holidays?
4:26–16:11
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