We’ve been told that putting others first is the hallmark of a good person, but what if that’s a big, fat lie? In this episode, Hilary Silver tackles the myth of selflessness head-on, revealing how this deeply ingrained belief isn’t just harmful—it’s downright toxic. Drawing on her decades of experience as a psychotherapist and lifestyle mentor, Hilary introduces the third core concept of her self-centered model: "In your life, you come first and you go first." Hilary explains how the pressure to be selfless erodes self-worth, breeds resentment, and creates hollow, transactional relationships. She challenges the narrative that sacrificing yourself for others is noble, exposing how it leads to emotional burnout and a lifetime of feeling undervalued. Instead, Hilary offers a liberating alternative: prioritize yourself unapologetically. Because when you treat yourself with the respect and care you deserve, you teach others to do the same. Episode Highlights: Why “selflessness” is a toxic myth keeping you stuck and resentful. How putting yourself first is the most selfless thing you can do. The real reason self-sacrifice leaves you exhausted and undervalued. Healthy giving vs. soul-sucking selflessness—know the difference. Why modeling self-respect is the ultimate relationship game-changer. The mindset shift that puts you back in control of your life. Episode Breakdown: [00:00] Introduction [00:53] Meet Hillary Silver [01:57] The Myth of Selflessness [02:28] The Big Lie [04:15] Consequences of Selflessness [05:57] The Void and Compulsion to Give [06:33] Resentment and Transactional Relationships [07:05] Self-Serving Giving [08:40] Healthy Giving vs. Selflessness [09:12] Core Concept #3: You Come First [12:54] Conclusion Stop putting yourself last—it’s time to take the lead. 💅 Grab Hilary’s free mini video training, "This Changes Everything" and start making yourself the priority you’ve always deserved to be: https://hilarysilver.com/guides/
Chapter 1: What is the toxic truth about selflessness?
We've all been sold a bunch of BS. I would be nicer about it, but it actually makes me mad because I see firsthand the damage that it causes and the serious consequences that it has in our lives, our mental and emotional health, our physical health and our wellbeing, our relationships, and our success in life too. So I'm on a crusade to bring awareness and change. Hi, it's Hillary.
Chapter 2: How does selflessness affect mental health?
Welcome to the Hillary Silver Podcast. Thanks for tuning into the conversation today. If you haven't already, it would mean so much to me if you'd take a minute to just click that five-star rating on your podcast app, leave a review, and subscribe so you never miss one of my episodes.
And if you're enjoying this podcast, please consider sharing it with a friend because if you like it, they will probably like it too. We are in the middle of a five part series where I'm sharing the five core concepts of my self-centered model. And what we've covered so far is that one, you are always the problem and the solution in your life. And two, the world does revolve around you.
If you missed either of those episodes, please do go back and watch or listen. because all of these core concepts work together to make sense. So you don't want to miss any of those. If you missed either of those episodes, please do go back and listen or watch those after this one. Today we are covering the third core concept. So let me ask you this.
Chapter 3: What are the consequences of being selfless?
Have you ever been told that putting others first makes you a good person? That selflessness is noble and the way to be valued is by sacrificing yourself for others. What if I told you that this idea and being this way has been the source of so much of your anxiety, resentment, and self-doubt?
Today, I'm going to show you why this could not be further from the truth and that the truth is the exact opposite. Core concept number three of the self-centered model is in your life, you come first and you go first. So the first thing I want to share is the big lie we've been told.
Chapter 4: Why is self-serving giving a problem?
And I'm just going to come right out and call out the BS that we've been fed from our parents, our grandparents, or extended family, from religion, culture, society, that we've been trained and conditioned to believe that it is a good thing to be selfless.
We celebrate collectively and put on a pedestal a selfless person, the one who gives the shirt off of their back, the one who always puts themselves last, the one who always thinks about everyone else and never asks for a thing or expects anything in return. Sound familiar?
Chapter 5: What is the difference between healthy giving and selflessness?
There are a lot of ways that we talk about this kind of behavior, and we've all been indoctrinated to think it's something rare and beautiful and something to aspire to. This is how to be a good person and that there is something saintly about it. One of my clients even shared a song that she learned when she was a little girl in church called Joy, J-O-Y. Jesus first, then others, then you.
Chapter 6: How can prioritizing yourself be selfless?
So this is not just subtle, implicit messaging. It's actually explicitly taught and spoken to us. So listen to me right now. It is not noble to be selfless. Self-less. No, my friends, self is not less. myself is not less. Yourself is not less. No one is less and no one should get lost.
I can tell you from 25 years of research, thousands of men and women sharing with me in private conversations, the severe consequences this behavior has. It is not good for you, your relationships, or any of the unsuspecting people that you are in relationships with. So just to keep this simple, I'm going to rattle off a list of as many of the reasons that it is bad that I could think of.
Number one, it embeds low self-worth. The underlying message is that you don't matter as much as everyone else. That your needs, wants, feelings, opinions, your very existence is not as important as everyone else. That you are not worthy or deserving of having your needs met, but everyone else is. And in part, it's your job to serve others and make sure they get what they need.
Chapter 7: What mindset shift is needed to reclaim your life?
That you get your worth and value from providing what others need. especially if it comes at a sacrifice or at a cost to you. Second, this lack of self-worth creates a deep hole in your soul. It's an emptiness or a void. It becomes a hunger like you're starving, which then compels you to try and fill that hole with giving and helping and sacrificing.
And this could look like doing things for others that you don't really want to do, that you can't afford to do, whether that's a time, money, or energy thing, and turns you into a caretaker, a helper, a problem solver, a fixer, or a servant. And it has you losing yourself in relationships with others because you're biting your tongue or giving in or acquiescing.
When you do this, you betray yourself, abandon yourself, and turn your back on yourself. You ignore your own needs, dismiss your own feelings, and ultimately you learn that you cannot be trusted to take care of yourself. And so this creates a fractured relationship with yourself. You've lost the ability to trust yourself. And without trust in a relationship, you really have nothing. Third.
All the self-sacrifice creates resentment, not feeling appreciated, feeling taken advantage of. It has you not really ever feeling seen or loved for who you really are, but only for what you can do for people because you've turned yourself into a commodity. Your relationships literally become transactional.
It's empty and lonely at the soul level because it's all based on what you can do for other people rather than just have you showing up who you are as you are and being loved and valued and appreciated for that. This behavior is coming from a deep subconscious pattern of need, needing to prove your worth and value.
seeking acceptance, love, attention, acknowledgement, or significance from all the giving that you do. But here's the thing, the giving is not coming from a place of fullness and wholeness and true altruism. It's coming from a deep need to be needed. So the greatest irony here is that your giving is actually self-serving.
The more that you give and sacrifice to others, the more you think you will finally feel important, valued, or good enough. But when trying to fill your own worth from external sources and putting your worth in the hands of others, what they do, how they respond to you, how they show appreciation of what you've done, it's never enough. It's never enough to fill that hole in your soul.
It's never enough appreciation or attention. And if it does feel good in the moment, it's a fleeting high, just temporary, until you can get your next fix. It's an addiction like all the others. And lastly, being selfless teaches the world that you don't matter as much as everyone else. You are demonstrating your low self-worth for the world to see.
It's a sign on your forehead that says, I don't love myself enough. I don't have self-respect. I don't respect myself or value myself. I'm just here to put everyone before me. Don't worry about me, everyone. I'll be all right. This is ultimately what you attract into your life. People who will treat you as you treat yourself.
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