Chapter 1: How can you sound assertive without being rude?
How do you sound assertive without sounding rude? I'm going to get right to the point in this podcast. You know what it is. It's the Jefferson Fisher podcast. Number one, if you're looking for a gift this holiday season, give the gift of a better conversation. You can find my book, The Next Conversation, in the links. Number two, the workbook is also out. Been working a lot on that.
You're really going to enjoy it and find some practical examples that you can use alongside with the book. How to sound assertive. without sounding rude. How's that for skipping through an intro? I find that assertiveness is one of the top things that I get asked. It's a spectrum. You have aggression on one side, and I would say you have passive on the other. Aggression says, I don't respect you.
Passive says, I don't respect myself. Assertiveness is somewhere in between where I can say, I can respect you and at the same time, I can also respect myself. I'm going to assertively get through this podcast episode with you. You ready? Number one, how do you sound more assertive without sounding rude? Number one, it's tone. Tone has a large part to play in it.
Probably 98% of being more assertive is your tone. Tone is something that is, innate within all of us. And the best way I can compare it is music. Think of music. I want you to think of a piano. Think of, just close your eyes unless you're driving or walking, don't do that. And think of piano keys, your middle C, right in the middle. And imagine if I gently press on the keys, right?
Maybe I just, I barely lightly play and you can't really hear it. And I'm playing really passively, almost where you have to strain to hear. Maybe I, like my daughter did when she first started learning to play, she would just, like she would just slam her hands on the keys. Or maybe you've had an animal, a cat, walk across it and it's jarring, right? It makes you kind of wince.
Or maybe it's something really low and it's almost a continual, resounding, aggressive type of sound. Think of bands, rock bands, very aggressive, hard chord. It's bar chords and loud cymbals. And then you also have maybe jazz music and you have easy listening. There's all kinds of different ways to compare this. Tone plays a large part in how it sounds.
If it's really aggressive, you know that it sounds aggressive. If it sounds really passive, you also know. Jefferson, how do you just know this in tone? Listen for the curves. You hear what I just did in my voice? Listen for the curves. I went down. Anytime you want to sound more assertive, the tone starts normal and then it goes down. It ends with almost a curb.
It's not like a straight up and down. It is you're curving it downward. Think of it as if I were going to ask somebody, can you pass the salt? I'm not going to use a question mark as if I don't know what salt is. Hey, can you pass the salt? As if like, do you know where salt is right there in front of you?
But we know people and maybe you're one of them that when you talk, your sentences go upward as if you're not really sure. And maybe you talk like this and maybe you talk like that and you're not really sure. And at least people wondering, is this the end of the sentence or is this a question? Not really sure why, because the tone positions it that way. It makes it hard.
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Chapter 2: What role does tone play in assertive communication?
But if the tone does, it's a totally different context. Just take the word. Okay. If I say, okay. Or, okay. Or, okay. Same word every single time. Very different communication. Very different message that gets sent across. And you add in text, which is a very low emotion medium, then there's nothing but a lot of miscommunication to be had over text.
If you want to sound more assertive, rather than going up with your tone, I want you to go down with your tone. Now, that does not mean you need to have a deep voice whatsoever. You can have a higher register, a higher pitch, and you can still go lower when you talk. It has a way of putting finality, like a period added, rather than a question mark.
So if you want to sound more assertive, less question marks and more periods. You with me? Tone matters a lot. So how can you practice this day to day? Make sure that when you speak, you're ending on a lower register. So there's a difference between if I say, welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. Or, welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. Podcast?
Like, that's not nearly as assertive sounding. It sounds like, am I on this podcast? I really don't know. Do I know what I'm doing? End it with a period. And before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about a sponsor of this podcast, Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth and I'm proud to have them as a longtime sponsor of this podcast because of the quality of the products.
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And now let's get back to the episode number two. Phrase the sentences at the start. They're called road mapping. And what I like with assertive words is that you have to let the person know exactly where you're going. And it sounds like this. I'm going to begin my sentence with, I need to tell you this. For example, let's say I need to discuss something hard with you about a business decision.
I'm going to begin with, I need to tell you this. we need to make a hard business decision. You hear I'm phrasing it as a need that I need to tell you. I'm not being rude about it. Not being rude in my tone. I'm lowering my voice. I'm slowing my words down. And I am beginning with something that is framing it exactly where I want it to go. Compare these two.
Me saying, hey, so I was thinking of maybe like I could tell you some stuff that's on my mind. But I mean, it's essentially not that big of a deal. But really, if you don't want to, you hear how it's just scattered. It's everywhere. I'm not really having any direction with it. But if I use something as simple as, I need to tell you something. I need to tell you this.
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