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Chapter 1: How can I stop apologizing for things I didn't do?
I need you to stop apologizing for things that you didn't cause. Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you are watching, you can see that I'm kicking it old school in the truck. I'm taking some calls. Today, we talked about how do you respond to somebody who says, why'd you do like that? beginning with why. Why'd you do it this way?
Why'd you do it like that? What do you do when a daughter-in-law or somebody in your family, son-in-law is trying to triangulate your child? How do you respond to that? How do you respond to a boss that's mean and micromanaging? And what do you do when somebody is trying to talk politics with you and you don't really agree with them?
Chapter 2: What should I say when someone asks, 'Why did you do it like that?'
How do you handle it by still showing respect for the other person? All that and more coming up.
I'm calling because of a daughter-in-law that I have that is new to our family that has had my son become estranged from me and that has blamed me for things that I haven't done. I've seen therapists for it and she's very manipulative and she gaslights me. And I always just apologize for everything, but it's become extremely toxic. My husband and I are scratching our heads on what to do.
We would love them to be a part of our family again.
Chapter 3: How do I respond to family members who triangulate relationships?
therapist recommended that we would have a therapist with us when we talk with them again and try and show them how much we love them and would love to welcome them back into our lives. However, how do I protect myself and defend myself when she accuses me of things that I don't do? I don't know how to be stronger. I am very easy to manipulate, I guess. And I just really love them.
And I miss my son. It's been almost a year.
Chapter 4: What strategies can I use to handle a mean boss?
since I've seen him and talked to him. And we had such a loving relationship all his growing up. And now my daughter-in-law accuses me of things that I didn't do.
Chapter 5: How can I navigate political discussions with family members?
And I would love some help in knowing how to be better at defending myself and show love all at the same time and be able to listen more and understand more of how to be a better mother-in-law. but also defending who I am and not let her walk all over me.
Man, that really makes my heart hurt for you, that that's what you're living with. I want you to know, first off, you're not alone. I've heard many dads and moms say, who have been separated, estranged from their child once their kid got married and the son-in-law or daughter-in-law has pulled them away, has siphoned them off. What I want you to understand is that this isn't your fault.
This isn't your fault. By just your tone, I can tell and you can tell
Chapter 6: What are effective ways to communicate when I disagree?
I know I could certainly be wrong, that you're somebody who tends to possibly people-please or maybe placate the situation because what you told me is you always say sorry every single time and you're accepting things that aren't your fault. And you don't have to do that. You know you don't have to do that, and yet you continue to do so. So I want to take a moment to say this isn't your fault.
Your son chose to marry who he's going to marry, and you can still love him. And sometimes we have to love from a distance. Sounds like it's not healthy that the daughter-in-law is set on doing things that are corrosive and hurtful to your family, and certainly to you, and blaming you for things. If I were to put this in a nutshell, to give this some rules...
Number one, I need you to stop apologizing for things that you didn't cause. Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault. So it's okay for you to say, I hear you. Thank you for telling me that. I understand your point. Anything that is saying I received the message, that I'm not going to be apologizing. I'm not going to be apologizing for it because you did nothing wrong.
We're going to save your apologies for things you've actually done that were intentional. All right, so I don't want you to people please or lay that over in some way. Number two, like I said a minute ago, You have to love from a distance sometimes. There's nothing I'm going to be able to tell you that's going to automatically just fix the situation.
What I can give you is something to help move the needle a little bit to make you feel better and feel more in control of the situation. We already talked about no more apologizing and people-pleasing to placate the things that you did not cause. Number two, loving from a distance. When you're able to communicate...
and say i'm here i know things are not how we want them to be i'm not asking to push anything i'm ready to listen whenever you are and this is directing to your son okay because it sounds like she's trying to triangulate the whole entire situation and i'm curious right now you know what your what your son would be saying if he's just in a position to where he can only agree with what the daughter-in-law says with what his wife says and i understand that's his priority
to place the priority of his own family and his wife over everybody else. I respect that. It's also hurting your relationship. So that distance does not mean you don't love him anymore. And I do think it's smart that you're wanting to bring this into a conversation that's going to have therapeutic involvement.
Do you have a whole family counselor involved to be able to get all of this unsaid stuff out? And I hear you and your husband saying, yeah, we're scratching our heads going, man, how do we fix this? The more practical side of things, aside from these mindsets, is number three, I would tell you that when you communicate with your son, do your best not to press that you're here, that you miss him.
Maybe you miss moments. but not in a way that's pushing or pressing. Again, I'm really curious what he would be saying about all of this. Maybe would he agree that his wife has been gaslighting you and hurting you? Certainly, I wouldn't expect him to be okay with her hurting you. And maybe he's in an impossible situation between you and his wife, and that's not a fun place to be.
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Chapter 7: How do I deal with being shut out in a small office environment?
Otherwise, you are now an accomplice of pushing it down the road. You're now enabling this. this avoidant behavior for them to be able to do this because avoidant communicator, avoidant person means that that attachment style is somebody who's more self-sufficient, that when they get flooded and overwhelmed, they retreat inside to self-regulate. That's not what he's doing, okay?
this isn't him being an avoided communicator. In my view, this is him just actively avoiding the conversation. And somebody can be an anxious communicator or an avoided communicator and still avoid, disregard, not prioritize this conversation. So do not let that happen. I need you to put a boundary and stick to it. Cool. Great question. This podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth.
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The sweats are what's up, especially. I don't know about you, like if you're traveling and you just like to be really comfortable, Cozy Earth is what's up. They're the best sleepwear, activewear when it comes to anything comfortable that I've ever had. So that's why I'm such a huge fan of Cozy Earth. And they've been a friend and sponsor of this podcast for a long time now.
So trust me when I say Cozy Earth is good stuff. You can go to CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for up to 20% off. That's CozyEarth.com slash Jefferson. Use the code Jefferson for 20% off. And now let's get to the episode.
Hey, Jefferson. My name is Erin. Setting is at work usually when this happens. It's typically with males and or masculine women saying to me, why did you do that? Or why did you do that that way? It's almost always in a public setting on a chat with other people, never in a one-on-one. And my husband says it's, to me, easier to handle at home than at work.
So I need a professional response to why did you do that or why did you do that that way? Thanks so much for all you're doing. I put your work into play at work, and it works like a charm.
Erin, that is really maddening to me. that you feel because you're being questioned all the time that you don't have responses that you're able to give. And it's specifically with men or, as you said, more masculine women. And you feel like you're in this position that is hopeless and you don't feel like you're being treated right. And I think there is absolutely...
hands down, a very transparent inequity when it comes to what women can say and what men can say, because they're going to be interpreted far different. So what my gut tells me, my first thought is, yeah, if somebody says, why'd you do it that way? I want to respond because that's what I wanted to, because that's what I went with. That's the decision I made.
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Chapter 8: What techniques can help with public speaking anxiety?
It could be more accusatory that they think you should have done something else. And by checking that by saying, this is the path I took under the information that I had, under the conditions that were there. This is the path I took. So how do I... I want to make sure that I... Synthesize this in a very easy to use framework.
So if you're getting the question, why do you do it like that in a professional setting? I want you to, one, go to this is the decision. This is the path. This is the choice. Not the, oh, what, you don't, do you not like it? Oh, I'm so sorry. Instead of apologizing and trying to justify it, I want you to stand firm in the choice and decision that you made. So it's, this is the decision I made.
The second part is under the information that I had, right? Under these conditions, under this environment, under this information. So what you're saying is I made this choice under the information that I had at the time and in the environment. So in other words, it can be replicated. That environment of what it was isn't now.
So don't, it's not gonna help to do hindsight, hindsight being 2020 and now let somebody Monday morning quarterback you in some way. So you need to be able to keep that solid and you're standing by. Three, if somebody continues to push, you go, this is the choice I made under the information that I had. And they go, yeah, I mean, but why?
I want you to be able to push against that and say, if you have feedback, I'm all ears. If you have other thoughts, I'm listening. I'm open to hearing if you have other thoughts. It sounds like you have other thoughts on this. Would you like to share? Don't let them continue to try and poke and push and pierce into you.
you get to say, hey, I hear that you're trying to voice something in a way that I don't appreciate. So why don't you go ahead and share and get out what you're already thinking, right? So we're going to stand firm. This is the decision. Two, under the conditions and information that I had.
And three, if it gets pushed, I want you to be able to clearly and confidently ask, it sounds like you have other thoughts. Or if you have other thoughts or have other questions, If you have any feedback, I'm open to hearing it. If you feel like something else should have happened, I'm open to you expressing that.
So you're allowing that avenue for them to talk, not continue to try and accuse you. Cool? All right, Aaron. You got it.
Hey, Jefferson. My name is Nathan, and I have a question about work. I have a very unforgiving and harsh boss, and the situation has already... being really tough on the team. It's tough on my mental health. So my question to you is how do you handle a situation where a boss is very micromanaging. It's very demanding. The expectations are constantly changing.
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