The Best Way to Shut Down a Narcissist
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Have you ever found that there are some people, there's just no winning? You're in conversation with this person and you realize there is nothing I can say that is going to appease you. There's nothing I can say that's going to make this better. On today's episode, that's exactly what I want to delve into. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. I'm coming to you from my hotel room in Chicago. In about 20 minutes, I'm going to be leaving out that door for my book signing. And I am thrilled. I'm excited for it. Just came from LA. Actually, real quick, I'm pulling... You can see how my phone is propped up by this ironing board. I have a Wrigley Field is right out my window, so I'm really excited.
I haven't been able to tour yet, haven't had time, but I wanted to take a second to talk to you about something. I'll do the whole intro here in a second, but right now, this is what I want to stick in your mind. Some people, and you notice this when you're in conversation with them, There is no piece of advice I can give you. There's not a word, a twist of a sentence. There's not a structure for a conversation that is ever going to get them to your side of the court because they are committed to misunderstanding you. These are people that... no matter what you do, they are looking for a villain. In other words, they are trying to create an enemy in the conversation. And you might have felt this in a place of kind of how I started the episode of, it doesn't matter what I say, I'm never going to get there with you. It doesn't matter what I do, no matter how many times I apologize, these are people that are looking for a villain. And this is what I mean by that. They are deciding to behave a certain way in communication, in conversation, in an argument.
And they know internally that how they're behaving is wrong. They're saying things that are attacking your personal character. They are exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. They are trying to be manipulative. They are saying things that are hurtful. Maybe they're lying. Maybe they're just wanting to put you down. And they're doing that, and inside they know they are. They just really don't care about it. But even more so, they are wanting something from you. They're wanting a response. They're wanting an emotional reaction out of you in that very moment. Can you see it? Can you picture that person in your mind? Can you picture that conversation? What they're doing, and if we could zoom in on that moment, what they're hoping is for you to react and respond in a way that ratchets it up. If they come at you with a level three insult, they are hoping that you're going to respond with a level five. If they start yelling at a level six, they are hoping you start yelling at a level seven. They want you to do more.
Because right now, they know that they're looking bad. They know it internally. But if they can get you to act worse... That's the key. If they can get you to act worse, well, then that's all the better because you're in that argument and it's going over and over and it boils over and you say something that takes it a little bit too far and they go, aha. I knew it. I knew you were this person. Oh yeah. Then they feel like all of a sudden they are what? The victim. The person who started the argument is all of a sudden the one who just can't take it. They're the ones that say, you always treat me this way. You don't care about me. And they do things that are incredibly manipulative. I'm telling you all of this for a reason, all right?
And this reason is the people who want you to be the villain, you're not going to give it to them. You're not going to give it to them. The people who want you to be the enemy. The key here is to never give them the enemy. Don't let somebody else's bad behavior affect your integrity, affect your character. What does that sound like? What does that mean, Jefferson? What do I do with that? All right, let's put it into three. When somebody is, number one, don't give them an enemy. When they start reacting negative towards you, you will not respond with negative. Mind you, I'm not saying at all that you do not defend yourself. You do defend yourself and you stand up for yourself and you stand your ground.
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