Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
In this day and age, we've found a new way to break our own boundaries, disrespect our own boundaries, and that is simply by over-explaining them. If you are listening to this episode and you happen to be an over-explainer, you know exactly how defeating it is to feel like I have this boundary that I want to set, but gosh, It's just not setting the right way. What am I doing wrong?
Well, I am going to tell you exactly why over explaining is slowly washing away every hard line that you make in the sand. All right. And at the end of this episode, I'm going to give you some takeaway points, some statements that you can use to make sure that that doesn't happen again, because your boundaries are statements. They are not things that are up for discussion. Big difference.
All that and more coming up.
Chapter 2: How does over-explaining weaken your boundaries?
Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. I have a short announcement, and that is something exciting for me. That is, the Next Conversation Workbook is officially out for sale. You can find the links down in the show notes. Short practical exercises for arguing less and talking more.
If you enjoy learning tips and getting into things like my book or the workbook or the next conversation, I'm going to ask that wherever you're listening, you find the button that says subscribe and click it. It won't take any second. It won't take any money. It's just something that it's free, it's easy, and it tells the platforms that I make content on that it's good, solid content.
So that's my promise to you.
Chapter 3: What are the consequences of over-explaining boundaries?
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Chapter 4: How can you set boundaries without over-explaining?
More than you could ever know, over explaining is weakening the very platform that you're wanting to walk on. It is turning the ground before you into sinking sand because you don't know how to set it into concrete. You're walking in it before it sets. How does that cause problems for boundaries?
Here is the simple breakdown that I see every single time when I'm talking to people that I meet who are asking me information or I'm doing some kind of live Q&A or a message or something in my inbox. This is what I see most of the time. They say, hey, look, I set this boundary and all of a sudden I feel like they are pushing on me and I give in every single time.
And what I ask is, well, how many words do you use to set your boundary? They say, what? I say, how many words did you use? How many sentences did you use to set your boundary? And right then and there, they kind of go back and start thinking and it's like, that's it. If you have to go back and wonder, okay, how long did I talk? How long did I set that?
There's your sign right there is that it took too many words. Here is the classic example. Somebody asked you to do something. And by the way, here on this episode, the boundary we're going to really be talking on is when you need to say no to things. You're needing to decline things, not just invitations, but just somebody's asking something from you and you need to say no.
Chapter 5: What phrases can help you say no effectively?
So classic example here is somebody asks you, hey, can you help on this project? And you start to say, no, I really can't. I'm just so because I'm so. And you start to give justification, maybe context for, no, because I'm just so busy. And here's where it breaks down. what the other person hears is not no, they hear, I would say yes, but because of all these obstacles, I can't do it.
And they think, oh, okay, then if I just remove these obstacles, they'll say yes. So they start thinking of ways to get to a yes. Overexplaining your boundaries turns what is a statement, a boundary, into a negotiation. And all of a sudden they start seeing it as problem solving. Overexplaining turns boundaries into a problem solving mission for the other person.
Now they're thinking, okay, what can I do? So if you say, no, I really can't, I can't do that, I'm just so busy. They go, oh, it's okay, it's only gonna take five minutes. They go, okay, how can I get to a yes? I'm sorry, I'm just really, I'm really overwhelmed at the moment. Oh, that's okay, I'll do this for you. Okay, you wanna move this to a different day? You wanna push the deadline?
To get to a yes, they see it as a problem solving mission.
Chapter 6: How does context affect the strength of your boundaries?
They see it as a problem to solve. And that's not what you want. Boundaries are not negotiations. And the more words you add after no, the more it looks like it's soft ground, that it's up for negotiation, it's up for debate. Here's some ways that this causes problems in your life.
Number one, when you over explain, you create the illusion that not only is it a problem you're asking them to solve, It's ground that they think that they can barter in negotiation all of a sudden. Because it's not a strong no, they feel like it's a soft yes. And they will start to try and wiggle around it. Here's an example.
I had a lady once who said, look, Jefferson, every year I host Thanksgiving at my house. And I don't want to do it this year. You know, I'm retired. The kids are grown. They have kids of their own. A lot of times we stay here because they really don't want to pay for a hotel, but they could. And I have to clean and fix everything. And I have to make every breakfast and cater around it.
She said, I just really don't want to do it.
Chapter 7: What strategies can you use to avoid negotiation when saying no?
I said, all right. Have you communicated to them already? She said, yeah. Yes, I have. I said, okay. How did you communicate that to them? She said, in a text. I said, okay, well, read the text to me. And you know what the text said? The text was, I would really love to, but I just feel like I am a little tired right now. And I feel like it's going to be a little too hectic.
And wouldn't y'all rather probably stay somewhere else because I don't feel like the house is as clean as it could be. That was what she thought the boundary was. And you know what the texts back from her adult children were? That's okay, it doesn't have to be fancy. That's okay, it doesn't have to be perfect and picked up. That's okay, we just really wanna be able to relax and be casual.
And you know good and well that that sounds great, but when they're in the house and it's hectic and kids are running everywhere and you don't feel like this is a good place for you in your life anymore, you're at a different stage where you go, oh, I'm tired. This is not, y'all invite me to something. Don't make me host everything.
Chapter 8: How can you practice setting firm boundaries in daily life?
I said, how does that set a hard, how is that cement? You're giving them sand. They're giving them things to play with in the conversation. She said, well, yeah, I guess you're right. So we broke it down into ways that I'm gonna explain at the end of this episode. But this is how it happens, where you think you said no,
But really what you did was just open it for negotiation and what her two adult kids were now trying to problem solve. That's okay, we'll take care of breakfast or we'll buy the groceries, meaning you'll take care of us. You hear what I mean? So whenever you feel like you are asserting a boundary, I want you to look at how much am I over explaining in that.
Number two, over explaining kills the boundary because it gives them more things to push against. gives them more cards to deal with. So whenever you feel like, oh man, somebody's just pushing on me, like you're okay with the first no or the second no, but if they keep pushing you again, you kind of go, oh, okay, I guess, yeah.
The more explanation you give, the more justification you give, the more you're gonna get it back threefold. You have to keep your boundaries, the nos, short and to the point. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Notion.
Notion is a product that I've used myself for many years, both in the law firm, in different businesses, and in this media business of what I'm doing now with the podcast. And I'll tell you, you know what eats up more time than the actual work? It's all the little things around the work. It's the status updates, the task assigning, you know how it goes.
That's why I've been using Notion for several years, and especially now with a new feature they call custom agents. Notion is an AI-powered connected workspace for teams. Notion brings all your notes, documents, and projects into one space that just works. It's seamless, flexible, powerful, and actually fun to use.
With the AI built right in, you spend less time switching between tools and apps and more time creating great work. And now with Notion's new custom agents, the busy work that used to take hours or really never actually happened at all, runs itself.
One of my favorite features is a status update agent, which every week it scans what I've been doing and pulls key updates and turns it into a report automatically that I can see. I don't have to chase notes or try and remember everything every single week. The custom agents automate repetitive workflows right inside of Notion. Unlike most AI, you don't have to wait to prompt them.
They run on schedules and triggers like real teammates with specific jobs. Try custom agents now at notion.com slash Jefferson. That's all lowercase letters, notion.com slash Jefferson to try custom agents today. And when you use our link, you're supporting our show. Thank you so much. Notion.com slash Jefferson. And now let's keep going.
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