What to Say to Dismissive Replies
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What are the effects of dismissive comments?
Look, it was just a joke, okay? Don't take it so personally. Don't be so sensitive. Little comments like these slowly tear down your self-esteem, and on top of that, they're frustrating. So today, we're going to talk about how to handle them. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would... please leave a review or a star or anything. Any of it helps. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. And I want to make sure and tell you that my new book, The Next Conversation, is officially out for pre-order.
And I'll put the links down in the show notes. So these are what I call dismissive comments and that they are dismissing your feelings, trying to dismiss any consequence of what they said. And in many ways, I want you to see these comments as them trying to control the eventual outcome. Imagine somebody, imagine me just punching you in the arm and you go, ow, that didn't hurt. You ever had that happen? Maybe as a kid growing up or you have a sibling. I know I'm the oldest of four and that definitely happened. When you're roughhousing, you're wrestling, you do something and go, that didn't hurt. And they go, what do you mean that didn't hurt? So I want you to imagine that in your mind, that somebody's hit you in the arm and then they tell you that didn't hurt.
As if they get to decide that, yeah, I hit you in the arm, but it didn't hurt. So no harm, no foul, right? You are the one that gets to decide that. And we're going to talk about these techniques on each one of these. And I want you to emphasize the idea that they don't get to say the outcome. They don't get to say the consequence. You do. They don't get to say what hurts. You do. Right? You with me? All right, let's go. So first up is, I was just joking. I was just joking. It's just a joke. I hear that all the time. I know that you do too. When you get that dismissive comment back to you on something, I was just joking. Here's what I want you to do. Play off of this. If they want to make it a joke, then it better be funny.
So what I like to say is, if somebody tells you I was just joking, you respond, then make it funnier. then make it funnier. Easy as that. That's number one. Number two, you could easily say, then work on your material or find new material. How about that? Then find new material. In other words, don't be making a joke about me. Don't be making a joke about something else. If they try to say something that is hurtful to you, let's say they made a comment about your looks or your weight or your age or whatever it is, and then you kind of take offense to that and they go, it was just a joke, okay? As if all of a sudden they've taken away any stinger that they have. When they've made that kind of stuff, you say, well, then find new material.
Or was that supposed to be of the funny kind? Was that supposed to be funny? It was just a joke. Then be funnier. Then find new content. Then find new material. Any way that you can play off the word of a joke is going to work to your advantage. My favorite is, then be funnier. Because it is a reminder right there in that moment of, if you wanted this to be a joke, that's not what it is. You can't just tailor a dismissive comment that's meant to be hurtful to me and just call it a joke and make sure everything is... Then we're all good. Then we're all good. No harm, no foul, like I talked about. When that kind of stuff happens... Easily twisted back on them is, was that supposed to be funny? Or was that the funny kind of joke?
Whenever you can ask those kind of things and put them on their heels to say, that's not going to pass with me. Number two, one of my least favorite is don't take it personally. Hey, don't take it personally. Like, come on. Then don't say it personally. What do you mean, don't take it personally? You just said it to my face. How can it not be any more personal? It is, to me, one of the just...
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