Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
We're here because your heightened awareness deserves heightened entertainment The Last Show with David Cooper Have you ever gotten this relationship advice? You need fireworks. You need new experiences, new restaurants, new positions, new passport stamps. Well, that might not be right for everyone.
The best date night might depend less on spicing things up and more on your partner's attachment style. And we'll get to what that is in just a moment. But I'm here with someone who's done research in this area. Her name is Amy Mews. She's a psychology professor at York University. Amy, welcome to the show.
Yeah, thanks for having me.
So the attachment styles, this is sort of how you're wired to form relationships. But you want to give us a quick overview before we get into how they affect what your best date might be?
Yeah, exactly. So these are how we kind of think about emotional connection and intimacy and relationships. And we think about like two types of attachment insecurity. So one is attachment avoidance. So this would be someone who's uncomfortable with too much closeness, who really values- Me, me, me. Sorry, keep going. Are you already digging for you?
It is.
Value independence and like intimacy in your relationship can sometimes feel smothering. So that's the attachment avoidance. And then another type of insecurity is the attachment anxiety. So this is more of a fear of abandonment, really wanting reassurance from a partner and being worried about being rejected from a partner, having your partner not be there for you.
And both of these things, as you might imagine, can be linked with lower overall relationship satisfaction. And these are not uncommon. About 50 percent of the population would be at least somewhat high on one or both of these things.
At the risk of derailing slash soliciting free psychology advice, if I'm avoidant and my girlfriend is attachment anxious, can we does it will it work? Can it work between two people like that?
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Chapter 2: What are attachment styles and why are they important in relationships?
And in a relationship where there might be different attachment styles, it might just be varying these activities to sort of focus on one partner's emotional needs at one time and the others at another time.
Which is what we do. Okay, enough about me. We are told though, like the best relationship advice generally is kind of like try new things, right? Yes. Talk to me about when that doesn't work.
Yeah. So what we found is that both trying new things and doing things that are more like familiar and comfy, they're both good for relationships. So overall, we see positive effects on relationship satisfaction. So neither of these things are bad. But what we found is that they might be particularly beneficial depending on the person's attachment style.
So for people who are more avoidant, like we just talked about, these novel and exciting activities are actually particularly beneficial for them. So this would be doing new things, trying something or learning something together, going somewhere unfamiliar, something that maybe feels like a little bit expanding or out of your comfort zone.
And it seems like the reason for this is it's kind of like a side business. intimacy right it's not an overly intimate you know you're not really digging deep into these vulnerable feelings it's something that feels more fun rather than heavy so this seems to be something that kind of buffers the lower relationship satisfaction that's more typical for people who are avoidantly attached
Got it. So if I am an avoidance, I know what I am like fun, new experiences that that common wisdom is true. What happens if I have an anxious attachment style? What kind of activities would sort of boost intimacy? What would be really great to do with my partner?
Yeah, it's actually the opposite pattern. So it was more of these familiar and comfortable experiences that were particularly beneficial for relationship satisfaction. And so this could be, you know, because anxious folks tend to fear that their partner won't be there for them, it's possible that these familiar, calming, routine experiences actually help to kind of quell some of those concerns.
So yeah, it is those like watching your favorite TV show, maybe cooking like your favorite food meal together, spending those like a comfortable night in, that tended to be particularly beneficial for those who were more anxiously attached.
But it's not it's not like harmful or bad for them to also try new things. It's just a little bit added benefits if they do. OK, got it. Got it. Got it. So it's not like trying new things is terrible wisdom for someone who's an anxious avoidant attachment style.
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Chapter 3: How do attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety affect relationship satisfaction?
There's about 390 couples across these three studies that we ran, and we had both partners. So we could also see what it was like. So when you're doing something that meets your avoidant attachment style, what's it like for your partner? Well, the good news is that they also felt more satisfied and same with the reverse, right?
So even though it's not necessarily matching your attachment style, when you're doing an activity that matches your partners, there's still benefits for both people. So it seems like there's benefits for the couple as a whole.
And it sounds like there's hope for couples who have different attachment styles, like mommy.
Yeah, exactly, exactly. And just this idea that you could maybe vary this, right? To meet both of your needs over time.
How much of a sort of boost to relationship satisfaction, if you tailor your activities in this way, will one observe?
Yeah, that's a really good question. So what we typically see is that for people who have these more insecure attachments, they tend to be less satisfied than people who we think of as secure, right? Who are kind of low in both of these things that I'm talking about.
And essentially on the days where they did the activities that best matched their attachment style, their satisfaction was similar to those who were securely attached in most cases. So these are like day to day effects. So these aren't huge boosts. You know, we're just talking about like little kind of little increases in daily life.
But it's sort of bringing you up to the level of what a secure person is feeling when you're matching to your attachment style.
OK, we got to have a little fun with this one. What activities would you recommend for someone who's avoidant and what activities would you recommend for someone who's anxious?
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Chapter 4: Can an avoidant and anxious attachment pairing work in a relationship?
Even, you know, a game or something like that, that, you know, you've played a lot of times that that is sort of, you know, a comfortable zone for both of you. Those are good. Those are good options.
Amy, this interview has been great because I've been taking notes and you're helping me, but I also think your study is super helpful and informational and interesting. Now, what if couples don't do that?
What if they don't engage in these kinds of activities and their attachment styles aren't aligned or they aren't doing activities that would sort of give them relationship satisfaction based on their attachment style? What's the downside of not doing these things you're saying?
Yeah, I think the downside is just that you're not taking these opportunities to connect and feel satisfied with your partner. So like I said, both of these types of activities are beneficial overall for relationship satisfaction. So, you know, trying to spend that shared time with your partner is really important.
And as kind of an added bonus, you can think about tailoring those activities specifically to what your emotional needs might be.
Amy Mews is a psychology professor at York University where she's also the director of the Sexual Health and Relationship Lab. Amy, this has been a joy. Thank you so much for sharing your research with me.
Thanks so much for having me.
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