Being Kind in a Complex World
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Why do tiny acts of kindness matter in society?
We like to think society runs on laws, money, maybe a little bit of fear, but researchers say it's actually running on something much smaller, tiny acts of kindness, awkward small talk, strangers behaving slightly better to you than you'd expect. I'm here with James Cohn, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, to discuss all of this, the kindness of strangers and how important it is. Jim, welcome to the program. Thanks for having me on. So is kindness a purely moral act, or is it perhaps a practical act that we do?
Is kindness a moral or practical act?
Are we basically like cooperation machines? That's a good way to put it. We're basically cooperation machines. We can't help ourselves. As young as early toddlerhood, we spot what other people want to do. We don't care why they want to do it, and we get busy helping them do it.
How do weak ties influence our social interactions?
And that sort of carries on throughout our adulthood. Now, the weak ties we have with all the people we interact with in our lives, the strangers, the acquaintances, the baristas, our neighbors, why do these matter so much, these kind of ties and the way we act towards these people? Yeah. Well, your brain is constantly asking a question because of the way that we evolved. And that question is, am I alone or do I have resources that can help me if I need help? We're an intensely social species. So being isolated involuntarily, I should note, sometimes being alone when you don't have to be is like sublime. But when you have to be alone, that's like death. That was a death sentence as we were evolving as a species.
And so it's really important for our brain to get feedback from our environment that we are embedded in a social fabric, a network.
What role does small talk play in our lives?
And it doesn't have to be, you know, people running up to us and grabbing our hands and gazing into our eyes lovingly and saying, I love you and value you and will protect you no matter what. We don't need that. And we're not going to get it even if we did. Okay. That's too much to ask. so what we have are is is a kind of a tiered system we have one or two very very very close uh intimate friends or partners um uh sort of concentric rings of of closeness uh sort of going out from that and then this this broad
Do people really dislike small talk?
very important base of embeddedness in a community which is like a culture just like the people you see every day it's like i don't know if you ever saw mr rogers neighborhood it's like you know the policeman or the the the the you know the mailman or the whatever it is um, the barista now we would, we might say. So when we know those individuals, even if we don't know them by name, when we see them every day, we say, hi, how's it going? What's the story? You know, um, love this weather. I can't believe it. You know, I could do it with you right now.
How do weak ties contribute to our well-being?
Two days ago, it was 90 degrees in Charlottesville. Yesterday it snowed. Wow. Instant, complete, fascinating topic to talk about. We have so much in common, the weather. Yeah. Small talk, though. People say it's shallow. People say they hate it. Do we misunderstand small talk? Is small talk actually very important? Like when I ask you how you are and I'm not looking for the real answer, like I don't want you to tell me that your wife just left you or whatever. Is that still an important interaction? Well, here's what we know, according to research, people who claim to hate small talk are actually worse at deep talk. They're worse at all kinds of talk. They don't they're not inclined to have a passionate conversation about, you know, social, you know, current events or, you know, their their deepest feelings and longings.
What happens when acts of kindness disappear from society?
This is a stereotype that often people who claim to dislike small talk will perpetuate themselves. People who are better at small talk are better at all kinds of talk. They're better at engaging you at any level. Small talk is actually part of the fabric of our weak ties. You use this term weak ties. Your listeners might not know that that's actually a technical term in the social sciences.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:04–0:21
2
Why do tiny acts of kindness matter in society?
0:21–0:54
3
Is kindness a moral or practical act?
0:54–1:12
4
How do weak ties influence our social interactions?
1:12–2:16
5
What role does small talk play in our lives?
2:16–2:52
6
Do people really dislike small talk?
2:52–3:30
7
How do weak ties contribute to our well-being?
3:30–4:16
8
What happens when acts of kindness disappear from society?
4:16–10:01
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