Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Welcome to The Moth. I'm Chloe Salmon. There are so many ways a story can move you. It can make you laugh, cry, can make you rethink your place in the world. But sometimes a story can make you go, are you kidding me? He broke up with you via text? After you cat sat for him? Jerk.
I know that when we review stories at The Moth, those are the ones that often lead to us spending 10 minutes sharing our own tales about the times we were flabbergasted by the absolute audacity of another person. So in this episode, two stories that'll make you go, they did what? First up is Becca L., who told this at a Denver Story Slam where the theme was, appropriately enough, love hurts.
Here's Becca live at The Moth. I remember laughing when he asked if I wanted to marry him. Not at him, but at the joy and the idea that anybody would want to marry me, that this man that I loved wanted to marry me. I was grinning from ear to ear, and he had tears running down his face, and I made a joke. I said, are you sure? He laughed and said, no, but... I can't imagine my life without you.
And I believed him. A few months passed and I noticed that his I love you's turned into love you's turned into hearting my texts that said I love you. His kisses got shorter and his hugs got stiffer and that question, are you sure, hung in the air like a heavy fog. But I couldn't bring myself to ask it anymore. I didn't want to be the kind of girl who had to ask her fiancé if he was sure.
And I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answer. But I told myself, once I buy my wedding dress, he'll be sure. Once we pick a venue, he'll be sure. Once we book a caterer, he'll be sure. Once we pick every single hors d'oeuvre on the menu, he'll be sure. Six months to the day before our wedding, I woke up.
I checked my phone to see the date, and I rolled over, meaning to tell him that in six months, I would be his wife, just in case he forgot. But he wasn't in bed. He was already getting dressed. He never got out of bed before me. I asked if he was OK, and he said, yeah, I'm just going for a walk. Are you sure?
See, what I thought was a normal Friday turned into six hours later, the two of us sitting at our kitchen counter, the damn Denver December sun beating on my already red face. His head is in his hands and he can't even look at me as he says it.
He looks up at our fridge, our fridge covered in our own save the date and in four years of photos that I have carefully picked and printed and pinned to our fridge. He looks at our fridge and he says, I can't marry you. I know, I say. I hand him my ring as he walks out the door, and I wonder when it started to weigh 5,000 pounds, because the second that I do, I feel so much lighter.
Because that question is no longer sitting on my chest, that question of are you sure, because for once, I know he is.
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Chapter 2: What unexpected breakup story does Becca L share?
But it turns out I was wrong because six weeks later, he writes me a letter saying that he loves me and that he made the biggest mistake of his life. And I read it and I feel nothing.
I feel nothing because when I turn the page I see him say that for the sake of honesty he feels the need to tell me that for the last six months he's had a duffle bag packed in his car because he knew he was going to leave he just couldn't find the right time. I read it and I feel nothing, nothing but certainty in my soul that for once I am sure that I deserve someone who is sure.
Three days ago he calls me to tell me that he sent me flowers for Valentine's Day and when I say, why? He says he didn't want me to feel alone. But he doesn't know that feeling alone feels so much better than being with someone who isn't sure. I go to the lobby of my shiny new apartment, and I see the flowers sitting on a table. And I hand them to the first stranger that I see.
I say, my ex gave these to me, and I really don't want them. And she laughs and says, are you sure? Thank you. That was Becca L. She works as a red teamer in the cybersecurity space and currently lives in Colorado with her beloved rescue dog. We asked Becca her thoughts on the whole situation now, since it's been one and a half years since she told the story. And she's choosing grace.
She says, looking back, she's grateful to him for ending things. She wasn't in the place to do so at the time because she was scared of being alone. And after two years of living alone, she can happily say that it's not scary at all. I'm so glad to hear that, Becca. I'm also impressed with your maturity.
It would take me at least a decade to come around to the conclusion that a person who I felt wronged me was actually making a sound choice. I may never know true peace, but golly if I don't love to hold a grudge. After the break, another story that'll make you shout the audacity out loud. This is Ira Glass. On This American Life, one thing we like is a good mystery.
Sometimes about really big things, things you hear in the news. But most times, the little mysteries are the best. Our lost and found is currently filled with pants. I don't know, I've never seen this happen. I've got skirts, I've got shorts. Wait, this is true? This is true. Mysteries of every size, each week. This American Life, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back.
Our next story is from Allison Orr. She told it at a New York City Story Slam where the theme was about time. Here's Allison, live at the Moth. The date with Andrew ended as perhaps no date in the history of courtship ever has, with me asking him for his ex-wife's phone number. I had questions, but not about Andrew. See, Colin was my previous boyfriend, my pandemic boyfriend.
And this is a story that's familiar. You've probably heard it before. We were college friends. We reconnected on Facebook. I had had a crush on him back then. And oh, my God, decades later, we're both divorced, yada, yada. And he lived in North Carolina. And it turns out that 2020 was a really excellent time to have a long distance relationship because we had lots of time and not much to do.
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Chapter 3: What lessons does Becca L learn about love and commitment?
He always takes the joke too far. Apparently like not knowing when to shut the fuck up is his thing. But he was really nice about it. I was a wreck. And he drove me home from Brooklyn to Manhattan. And outside my apartment building, he handed over his ex-wife Paxton's phone number. And I stayed up all night long waiting to call this woman.
I think I made it to like 8.59 AM on a Saturday morning, which seemed sort of reasonable, not crazy. She was expecting my call. And she very nicely answered all my questions, like how, when, why. It turns out we went to college together, but we didn't know each other. She, just like me, had a huge crush on Colin in college, just like me.
They reconnected on Facebook at the beginning of the pandemic. And their thing was a little more on and off than mine, but we paired calendars. There was significant overlap. And while they didn't have the L word, It wasn't nothing, and she knew nothing about me. So of course, I confronted Colin about it on the phone, but that was very unsatisfying.
I mean, the relationship was already over, and yet I was so completely unmoored by this new reality, I just couldn't even absorb it into my head. And somehow talking to Paxton seemed to be a good idea to help me process the shock, so she and I went out for drinks. And she's really cool. Of course Colin liked her. And we have so much in common. I mean, Colin, my date with her ex-husband.
But seriously, Dan, the writer from Blue Buds who lives in LA on Bumble, we've both been out with him. And Bill, the poly guy in Brooklyn, same. I mean, we had a lot of things to bond over. And also, she's really smart, and she's a great person to talk to about the things we have in common that we're struggling with.
I mean, teenagers, our exes, the new guys, what we even want from relationships at this stage in our lives, and how to try to be happy sometimes being alone. And we're friends now. That was about a year ago. She's here tonight. Andrew, I never saw again. But with the perspective of time, I think it was a great date.
I mean, I got Paxton, and his not being able to shut the fuck up thing would definitely have been a problem in a relationship. But on that night, it was this big, beautiful sign from the universe telling me, Alison, move on. Learn to love yourself first. That was Alison Orr.
She lives in New York City, and as a longtime producer behind the NBC news show Dateline, she's most comfortable telling stories about other people. Good news. Allison and Paxton are still friends. The sisterhood endures. As does Bumble. She stuck with it and three years ago met her current boyfriend. She is not in touch with Colin, but says that time apparently does heal many wounds.
She also says that he's a huge fan of the moth and that she hopes he appreciates being the subject of a good story. That's queen shit right there. That brings us to the end of this episode. Thank you to our storytellers for sharing with us and to you for listening. From all of us here at The Moth, we hope that if you have a story that makes people say, they did what?
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