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Chapter 1: How can I set boundaries with my mom who constantly asks for money?
Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the Pods Moving and Storage Studio, it's The Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create amazing relationships.
I'm Ramsey personality, George Camel, joined by my good friend and much smarter friend, Dr. John Deloney, and we are here to answer your calls about money, life, mental health, relationships, marriage, the boundaries that you don't have with your in-laws. It all happens right here in front of you. on The Ramsey Show. So give us a call, 888-825-5225. Kaylin joins us up first in Columbus.
Kaylin, welcome to the show.
Hi. Can you hear me?
Yes.
How are you doing? I'm really stressed, but hopefully you can help me.
Oh, boy. We can try our best. John's here, and he always calms me.
Okay, good.
George says I'm his walking Xanax, so I can help. Let's do this.
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Chapter 2: What are the implications of paying off a mortgage early?
Yeah.
Yeah. And so they all come to you because they go, well, Kaylin's got her life figured out. We'll ask her for money and she'll give it to us because she's so sweet.
If your mom's been asking you for money for seven years, that means you're giving her money for seven years. Is that right?
Yeah, I mean, the last few years haven't done much.
Hey, listen, hold on, hold on, hold on. Kaylin, you have to quit beating yourself up. You love your mom, and it's hard to tell your mom no, especially when mom is violating what I would consider a core tenant of that parent-child relationship and using you almost predatorily. That's hard, so don't beat yourself up for that, okay? Like, you're good.
You've been doing the best you could to maintain that relationship, even though that's not your job. And you've been trying to take care of your mom because probably she's struggling a lot, right?
Yeah, it's really hard because she's on disability and can't work. So... her income is fixed and it's really low. And so, um, I mean, it doesn't help that she doesn't budget either, but when she gets to the end of the month, she never has any money. So she'll call me and be like, Hey, Kaylin, I'm at a gas station and I have no gas and I have no money. Will you send me some?
Yeah. So what was your never again moment? Why, why, why now? Why are you calling? What happened?
Um, cause last week, um, her water heater broke and, And everyone in my family was like texting me like, Hey, you know, your mom can't afford to fix that. And they're just expecting me to like give out this money to fix this water heater. Um, and luckily my grandparents paid for it and I didn't have to, but, I just, I can't keep doing this.
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Chapter 3: Why is going into debt for a business that makes no money a bad idea?
We're on like, um, myself and I just started, um, like this month, like really intensely working on, um, baby steps too. We're trying to pay off our debt. Um, and I just, I just can't keep doing this.
So there's a great quote, and I'm going to butcher it a little bit, by a therapist that I hold in high regard. His name is Terrence Real, Terry Real. And the gist of the quote is, family dysfunction rolls downhill from generation to generation like a forest fire through a family.
until one brave person has the courage to stop and turn and stare the forest fire down, and in doing so gives peace to ancestors they will never know. And that's what you're doing right now. And here's the part about that quote that doesn't get talked about is when you turn and face it, when you turn and face that dysfunction and you say no more, never again, you're going to get burned, right?
You're going to get hurt. Your family members are going to say, I can't believe you're abandoning mom. You have all this money and you're not even... And it's going to hurt when they do that. And they don't get a vote. And when your mom chooses to not budget, to choose to not live in reality, that's hard. That's not your job to fix. Will there be a day that she might have to move in with you?
Possibly. So you better get your house in order ASAP, right? It's not just magic. So you're doing the hard work. I wish George and I could give you a magic pill that would say, just say these four sentences and this conversation is easy and it goes away. It's just, it's not how this works. You're going to get spit on. You're going to be told you're ungrateful. How dare you? I can't believe you.
And you're going to have to stand firm knowing the greatest thing long-term for your family is a safe, secure Kaylin whose house is in order.
And that's just, it's hard.
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Chapter 4: How can I plan a wedding while managing $200k in student loans?
The other layer to this is that my younger brother also lives there and he just turned 18 and he's developmentally disabled. And so I feel like if I don't give my mom money, then I don't know if he's going to eat.
Then if you're worried about him, then that's a conversation between you and your husband about whether he moves in with y'all. Or you go sit down with some of the community resources where you live and you look at long-term care housing options that are community funded.
But here's the thing, just throwing money at this problem, when you know your mom is not responsible with that money, you don't know that he's going to eat even if you do give her money. Because if that was a question, if she was choosing to spend money on other stuff or him eat, she's going to do that whether she's got money or not. That's character stuff, right?
Yeah. Yeah. What's the nature of your mother's disability?
It's kind of twofold. So she has a seizure disorder, but also... She can't really stand or walk very well. My other brother was abusive for a long time and beat her so badly that her knees are completely shot.
That's awful. What a mess. But you said she's driving. You said she's getting gas.
Yeah, she can drive.
Okay. I'm just trying to think if there's a way out of this long term versus, you know, I'm not mad at taking disability from the government, but if there's a way for her to make more income than that and have a better quality of life and to where you're not having to be the government for her, then I'd rather us aim for that and you help her get there.
Or if you do give her money and you decide to work that into your budget, that you pay X bill and you pay that bill directly to the electrician or the electric company or to the water company or wherever you happen to do that. But I'm not just going to keep putting money in a black hole.
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Chapter 5: What are the steps to take when family financial dynamics become overwhelming?
We're wishing you the best. This is The Ramsey Show. This is The Ramsey Show. I'm George Campbell, joined by Dr. John Deloney. Open phones at 888-825-5225. Don't be scared. Give us a call. We'll talk through your biggest worries, concerns, questions. We'll celebrate with you. Don't be scared. Don't be scared.
They used to be like the No Fear shirts when I was in high school.
It's more for the younger generation. They're like, I didn't know my phone could make phone calls. Oh, that is true. There's an anxiety about getting on the phone. Yeah. You know this. I do. So that's who I was talking to. Gotcha. The ones who are like, they get a phone call, they get spooked.
S-K-E-E-E-R-D.
One day, the show will just be us texting back and forth with screen recording.
No, the bots will just do it for us. They don't need us.
At that point, we'll be out of a job. Well, hey, our question of the day is brought to you by Neighborly, your hub for home services. Their nationwide network of locally owned home service pros like Molly Maid, Shelf Genie, and Mr. Appliance take the stress out of home repairs, maintenance, and improvements. Visit Neighborly.com to schedule a service today.
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Chapter 6: How does emotional support play a role in financial decisions?
Today's question comes from Dylan in Maryland. Dylan asks, why do you recommend... I love that. You know who starts questions like that? My seven-year-old. But it's cool. Why do you recommend paying off my mortgage that has a low interest rate that provides tax deductions instead of keeping the money invested where I'm getting a higher return on that interest?
This seems like an illogical financial approach. Yeah, George.
Dylan should be hosting this show. This guy has cracked the code, man.
I know. He's smarter, clearly smarter than you. He's a genius. Because you're illogical.
I'm going to be honest. I'm exhausted by this question, John, because we have had historically low mortgage rates. So everyone got these crazy low mortgage rates of... Two and a half, three percent, three and a half percent. And then now interest rates on savings accounts are like four percent. So they're like, I'm never paying off my mortgage. You're an idiot if you pay off your mortgage early.
Dude, this is a money making scheme. Go invest in the stock market instead of paying off your mortgage. And I'm going, where are they getting guaranteed returns of 10 percent in the stock market? Now, we say long term, the stock market has seen 10 to 12 percent on average.
But assuming that in a given year, it's not going to be, I don't know, negative 18% like it was in 2021, that is a wild starry-eyed approach to finances. And there's a whole other piece of this which you can speak to, which is the freedom and peace of not having a house payment goes so much further than just a math equation on paper.
Yeah, I call it my soul tax or a sleep tax. I've heard it called several different things, but for three or four percentage points on an annual return to not have a house payment, nobody can take away my house. I can get fired tomorrow and it'd be annoying and not devastating.
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Chapter 7: What strategies can help when dealing with family financial pressure?
It's hard for me to even put a price on that. And if you look at some of the data emerging about anxiety and your body's response to how much money you owe, you might think in your fancy pants prefrontal cortex that you got a great deal. And quite honestly, you did. You got a good deal. You're making a good return against your 3% APR on your house. You're making 9%. You're making 6%.
but your amygdala knows. The part of your brain that's designed to keep you safe knows at any moment we lose our home, right? And so even the idea, George, of debt on your house is so relatively new given the human psychology, right, over the last thousands and thousands and millions of years.
Just the idea that someone's saying, I just want to keep owing a bank money on my house instead of it being mine and my children's children's is insane. I'll just put it that way. But yes, Dylan, let's call it out. You are right. You are right. You can have a 2.8% APR on your house and you can invest that money and right this moment in history, you can cover the gap. You can cover that spread.
But I promise you, I sleep better than you do.
That's all. That's fair. Well, there's another piece of this that he mentioned that really, my gears have been grinded.
Well, they're illogical gears.
This whole idea of tax deductions, and we walk through this in Financial Peace University, but I'm like, how bad are you at math that you think sending $10,000 to your mortgage lender in interest is better than sending $2,000 to the IRS? That's what you're doing. You're stepping over a dollar to pick up a quarter and thinking that you're winning. And the mortgage companies love this.
They're like, great, send us more interest instead of the IRS. We're way better than the IRS. That's what you're doing. And by the way, almost nobody itemizes on their taxes anymore.
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Chapter 8: How can I balance my financial goals with family expectations?
Everyone takes the standard deduction, which means you don't get to deduct your mortgage interest. And so almost nobody's doing this. So this theoretical idea that you're doing it for the tax deductions is wildly illogical. And by the way, you can't compare your interest you're making in a savings account to your mortgage interest. It's different.
It's weighed way in the favor of interest when you get that mortgage. Go look at your amortization schedule and you'll see you're going, I paid $600 in interest. on my mortgage that has a 3% interest rate. My savings account only made $40 this month. So you can't weigh the two against each other.
Unless you have the full amount of your mortgage sitting in a savings account, then on paper, you might be able to say temporarily that you can beat it.
You know, I hadn't thought of that, George. Fooey on me, man. But that's actually really wise. So if I owe $500,000 and I'm paying 2%, And I'm getting 5% or 6% in a savings account on my $10,000. That's not apples to apples. No. Because I'm paying all my interest up front on that mortgage. Exactly. It's front-loaded. In a significant way. Well, there you go being logical, George.
They call me a dream crusher when I say these things, John. I'm like, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about.
Here's what it comes down to it. The house you had, the house you paid off, I'm assuming because of when you bought it, your interest rate was low.
Yeah, I think it was three, six, two, five.
Okay, mine was two, eight, five. Mine was super, super low.
You're an idiot for paying it off, John. You could have made so much money.
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