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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, it's The Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create actual. amazing relationships. I am your host, Jade Warshaw. Your other host for the day is Dr. John Deloney to my right. Give us a call. The number is 888-825-5225. We will talk about the things that are concerning to you about your life and your money.
I'm here as kind of the money expert and my guy John is here as your mental health and wellness.
I still don't know why I'm here.
We're thinking about it. We're figuring it out as we go. But give us a call. Like I said, the number is 888-825-5225. We'll chop it up with you. Let's go directly to the phone lines. We got Laura in Phoenix, Arizona. What's going on, Laura? Laura? Are you there? Did I get her? Are you there? Okay. It was my nails. I blame my nails. Are you there? Hello. Okay. What's going on, Laura?
Jade's nails got in the way again. What's up, Laura?
Yeah. So I need help on, so currently we're on 30,000 in debt. So we always sit down and talk about our debt. Um, say like we sit down on, uh, on the Monday, everything goes good. And then the weekend starts, um, We have an issue where my husband likes to drink like Friday, sometimes Friday to Sunday. Wow. And then during that time, he's like, he forgets about our budget.
Well, I would think so.
Yeah. So then that goes out the window and then Monday comes and it's like,
He's ready to start again.
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Chapter 2: How does alcohol consumption affect budgeting in relationships?
no you're not crazy i i hate this for you it's tough and you know people all the time they call in and they're talking about issues that aren't they're not money issues and here we're always telling people like combine your money combine your money but there are times where it's like there are situations there's like no don't combine your money like you said you seek counsel and i tell people all the time like there's this acronym i use about keeping your money safe
And it's like if you're in these situations like, you know, our friend calling in here, Laura, where you're concerned, the first thing is you need to seek counsel. Like that's the S. You got to seek counsel. And the A is if there's abuse and if there's addiction, that's when you got to do it. Or the F, financial infidelity. That's what we're looking at.
And then they're going to give you the E, which is you can evaluate your options based on the boundaries you have. Because I'd like to say it's as easy as, all right, move out tomorrow. But it's never that easy. Never. And there's always a wake, you know what I'm saying? And so I would just encourage anybody who's in that situation, like I said, abuse, addiction, financial infidelity.
Yeah, you're not, like you said, you're not safe in your own home. And that person cannot have continued access to the things that make you safe. And your family that keeps your kids safe. Because if you have somebody who's spending all the money on substance and your kid can't have groceries and your kid can't eat and you can't get to work because there's no money for gas.
Yeah, you got to put some boundaries in place. And you have to say, like you said, that in my home, there will be none of this. And until this happens, you will not have access. And that's probably the toughest line that you can lay down. But that's loving yourself well. And honestly, that's loving them well.
And it's loving this thing that we decided to create together, which is called a marriage.
That's right. That's right. It's so tough. I hate that she's going through that. I hate that it's happening during a time like this, the holidays, where you're supposed to be able to come together with the ones you love. Sometimes you have to create that distance, that separation, and create that boundary so that ultimately things can get better and you can find healing. This is The Ramsey Show.
Hey, what's going on? You're listening to The Ramsey Show. By the way, thank you for listening to The Ramsey Show. I'm your host today, Jade Warshaw. I am joined by my buddy, best-selling author, host of The Dr. John Deloney Show. The guy's name is Dr. John Deloney. If you were not sure about that, we are going to take your calls all afternoon. Give us a call.
The number is 888-825-5225, and we will help out sort out your situation. Let's go straight to the phone lines. We've got Anthony here. in Anchorage, Alaska. What's going on, Anthony?
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Chapter 3: What are the implications of financial infidelity in a marriage?
Uh, between my, me and my wife, both, we've got about 30,000 in consumer debt and another 5,000 in student loans.
Okay. So can you sort out for me what the 30,000 is?
Uh, it's all credit card that builds, uh, furniture, credit cards, just bad.
So various credit card credit lines. Correct. Okay. And, um, Can you tell me what you guys are earning each month combined?
What you're taking home? Monthly take home after taxes. I get about $5,000 from my job after paying for benefits and everything. Okay. Currently, I'm a full-time student, so I get another $2,200 a month for my veteran benefits.
Okay, cool. What about your wife?
My wife just started her own business back in July. Right now, she's only making enough income to sustain her business, to pay her rent, pay for her supplies and stuff like that. So she can't pay herself yet. Correct.
Okay. Is there a trajectory on that business? Like after half a year, is there like an honesty reckoning? Like, is this a really nice hobby or are we headed somewhere?
We've had that conversation a little bit. We pay for her to go to school, and then she just started the business in July. Ideally, she needs to be able to help contribute once I am no longer a full-time student is the plan right now.
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Chapter 4: How can boundaries help in dealing with a partner's addiction?
I've had students do that every single semester. I took a number of leaves across all my degrees. for various things that happened. I had a kid, wife got sick, had to go do this, wanted to make some more money, whatever the thing was. And just saying, I'm going to go earn 10,000 extra bucks in this semester and get this stuff paid off or 15,000 bucks or whatever I'm like, I've got to do.
Or your wife takes full-time work and says, I'm just doing the anesthetician stuff on the side as a hobby until. That's right. But y'all are all trying, they're all trying to do.
Everything all at the same time. All the dreams. And dude, I don't want to kick you while you're down, but 30,000 bucks isn't a ton of debt. That's like you and your wife really making some hard calls for.
A very short period of time.
18 months max. See what I'm saying? Right. So tell me, what's your world look like if you quit school for a semester? You pause school.
Part of the reason why I went back to school is because I get that monthly tax-free stipend.
Yeah, but is that just going to school?
No, and it goes directly into my bank account. I'm a veteran, so I get a GI Bill housing benefit. It pays me $2,200 a month tax-free and income directly into my bank account.
What's happened to that other $5,000 then?
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Chapter 5: What are the challenges of helping family members with money issues?
So when it comes to kids, I don't mess around with that. I don't play with that. Kids are very, very important. The second thing is any advice on helping someone that is oblivious to their wrongdoings. I'd reject that. They're not oblivious. They're doing exactly what works because everyone in their life keeps giving them money. Period.
Chapter 6: How can I set healthy boundaries when helping financially?
So they're not oblivious. Why in the world would you work if family members keep giving you thousands and thousands of dollars for you to do whatever you want with it?
And by the way, family members, if you have a family member that comes to you and says, hey, I really need help to the tune of thousands of dollars to pay bills and you aren't able to help, what I would say is give me the number to the light bill place and I'll call and pay it. Give me the number to whatever.
I'll buy you a grocery card at Kroger or Publix or whatever and we'll take care of it that way.
You're not just forking over.
I'm not giving you thousands of dollars, right? Because then I'm contributing, right?
Oh, 100%.
So that's number two. Let's take kids off the table because kids is a whole different ballgame. Yeah. Let's take kids off the table. Clearly mom and dad are contributing to this. Clearly other family members are contributing to this. So in what way can an outsider help a situation like this where they have a sibling that mom and dad are continuing to let make poor decisions or cousin or what?
Nothing. Nothing. And I think one of the hardest things we can do is watch people we love make decisions that we know are hurting them.
Yeah, you want to try to get in there and fix it.
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Chapter 7: What should I do if I feel guilty about not helping a loved one?
You have your house in order. You're working on you and your marriage and your finances and your parenting. So when the call comes, and it will, can you help that you're in a place that you can help? And the help is not going to be I'm going to give you a bunch of cash. It might be I'll take out and help map out a budget with you.
I'll take and give you some hard truth about y'all got to go to work. But we already decided we're going to stay at home with our kids. You can't afford to stay at home with your kids, right? I might do that. But I'm going to work on me right now.
oh that's so hard you're you're exactly right but that is i i sympathize with this person it's so hard it breaks my heart because you're like okay i'm supposed to sit back like this and like i gotta take my hands off the situation because they won't let me like you said they won't let me in how do you make peace with that and there's no peace i've experienced this personally there's no peace there's no peace you're just like waiting it's a death it's loss yeah
So it's grieving. It's pure grief. And by the way, I think that one of the great cancers of our current culture is everybody trying to insert themselves into situations, families, I haven't asked for your help.
Yeah, you can't fix it.
Do it this way, do it this way. I haven't helped. Instead of people going home and looking in the mirror and saying, I'm gonna make sure my house is in order. I'm gonna make sure my spiritual life, my financial life, my physical life, my marriage is in order so that when people invite me in, I'm ready.
Well, then there's the other side of that, John. They might blow themselves up.
Exactly right.
We hope there's a bright side that comes along, but they might blow themselves up. That's exactly right.
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Chapter 8: How do I navigate my financial responsibilities after a gambling addiction?
And so that means I intentionally will turn left and head into guilt instead of heading into, I just am so mad at you all the time. I'm gonna choose to say, hey, you're an adult, you're running your life. I'm not gonna participate in this, but I'm gonna be heartbroken. I'm always gonna ask myself, and maybe you write him a letter and just say, I love you guys.
And when you're ready to change your life, I'm here to help. That's all you can do. But that's what you can do. But I haven't found a way, especially initially, to not feel that guilt.
Yeah, you can't rationalize it away for sure. Ooh, this is tough. This is a tough one.
I hate it. I wish that we could... Don't we all wish that we could go to our loved ones and tell them to live their life like we want them to live it?
Well, yeah, there's that. That's the thing. Some people... That's the hard part. People's lives are going to look different than yours. And in this case, it does smell bad. Like it looks like there is some real, real issues going on. I don't think this person's being dramatic.
I don't think that it's when she says deeply suffering based off of what she said financially and with their jobs and employment. I think that's the case. And it's just I mean, the fact is, it's like you're watching a car crash. You can't look away. Even if. You look away, you still hear it going on, right? It's like there's no way to get away from it. So I feel for them. I really do.
Yeah. Well, we live in a world where there's different paths people can take. And I think we also live in a world that says everyone should take the same path as us. And I don't think that's right.
No, it's not right.
And at the same time, man, it's just heartbreaking when people we love are headed to ruin.
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