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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, it's The Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work that they love, and create amazing relationships. I'm Ramsey personality, George Campbell, joined by my good friend and one of America's favorite Johns, Dr. John Deloney. And we are here for you, America, taking your calls at 888-825-5225. Maybe you need some advice, some motivation.
Maybe you need to take that next step with that broken relationship, the toxic boss, the debt that's been hanging over your head for far too long. And you're just ready to make some changes and live a better, more peaceful life. That's what we're all about on this show. Mary is going to kick us off in Cleveland, Ohio. Mary, welcome to the show.
Hi, how are you doing today?
Doing well, how are you?
I'm going to be honest, I'm a little nervous and anxious right now.
We got you, Mary. It's just us here. Just us girls. Let's talk. Okay. What's going on?
So I'm calling in because my husband is a gambling addict and has been since January of this year when it became legal in Ohio. It has caused the heaviest toll on our marriage, on our relationship, our family.
And I'm at the point where I have tried many routes with this, trying to be very gracious on how I go about it, trying to be respectful as a wife, trying to support his mistakes, but trying to get him the help he needs. And nothing is working. And at this point, he is very adamant about continuing to do it.
Um, and I'm at the point where I feel that I need to, you know, take my daughter and take a step away, not divorce, but maybe take some separation until he figures it out. But I honestly don't want to have to do that, but I don't know what else to do right now.
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Chapter 2: How does Mary describe her husband's gambling addiction?
We don't, there, there's no, um, I mean, he's, you know, one, a couple thousand here or a hundred here, things like that. Um, but it's, it's, he's all together. Um, since the beginning of this year, it's been around $40,000.
Um, and can we be honest? This is what you know about. I promise there's more.
This is all I know about.
Let me ask you some, a very tactical question. If you move out, do you have, do you have a job? Do you have money?
Yes, I have a job, but we, so he's in nursing school.
Hold on, hold on, hold on. He is making choices. You're keeping yourself safe. If he's in nursing school, then he gets to take care of his, pay for nursing. He gets to make all those choices on his own. You need to have your four walls covered for you and your baby if you choose to.
Do you have your own bank account?
Yes, I actually did probably about months ago at this point. That was one of the steps I took was separating our finances.
We never recommend that except in this moment. Does your check direct deposit into that account?
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Chapter 3: What steps should Mary consider for her family's safety?
Okay. So we are getting with a friend and we're going to map this out. What's an apartment going to cost? What are the light and water bill going to cost? And we're going to get all this mapped out and lined out. We're going to make sure that our check can cover that. And you might need to get some new hours and all that kind of stuff. Childcare, all those things.
And then we're going to sit down and be very articulate and clear about my or what statement. This changes... Or here's what I'm going to do. You can't control anything he does. You can only control what you do. I hate that you're in this situation. Stay on the line. We're going to hook you up with every dollar so you can begin to control what you can control if and when you have to step away.
We'll be right back.
Welcome back to The Ramsey Show. I'm George Camel, joined by Dr. John Deloney. Give us a call at 888-825-5225. If you want to jump into the conversation and talk about your money, your life, your relationships, your mental health, your boundaries, or lack thereof, we want to help you take the right next step. Shelly joins us up next in Dallas, Texas. Shelly, welcome to the show.
Hi, thank you for taking my calls. I'm really just calling because I'm I've been listening to the show a lot and I know the baby steps and everything. And I know that I'm in a position where I can afford therapy, but my question is, it's just, well, it's not more of a question. It's just an emotional issue around spending the money on therapy. I just feel bad. I know I need it.
And my husband supports me, but you know, just, it just makes me feel bad to spend. It costs a lot. And my insurance doesn't cover the, the license therapy part of it.
So what's it going to cost for you to get this help?
Well, I was looking at better help and I even saw some more affordable options too. So I did sign up with better help, but I'm just feeling like I'll try it for the first four weeks and then
to cancel it i i start something you know i'll start it and and i started therapy before but it was just costing like a hundred a week and then do you feel like this is a wasteful expense in your budget right now like hey this money should be going toward this what's behind that i think i start feeling like i i don't know it's and it's part of my anxiety it's part of the reason why i think i need therapy well i i think it has nothing to do with money
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Chapter 4: How can boundaries help in a marriage affected by addiction?
And it may not be forever. This may be a season that you go through and then it's over.
Yeah, I was kind of wondering about... I know everyone's different, but I was wondering about, like, on average, kind of how long it could take. You know, I've had friends tell me, oh, it took so-and-so a year to really... But, I mean, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
If you've struggled with disordered eating since you were a child, and you grew up in a pretty tough place, in a pretty tough situation, and if you...
think so little of yourself that the idea of spending money to make sure you're whole and well so that you can show up for you and for your husband and for others if that shuts your body down or sets off your body's alarms it's going to be a while so i think it's counterproductive i'm telling you it's counterproductive to say okay i'll give you four and then i quit
That's like going to the car dealer and saying, or to the mechanic and saying, hey, everything's broken on the car. You got 30 minutes and then I'm just going to come pick it up.
Yeah. I want you to completely reframe this. I put the stress on myself that I feel like I have to fix myself in this amount of time.
Right. And you're not somebody, listen, I used a bad analogy. You're not somebody to be fixed. Okay. You're not broken. Your body's working exactly as it should, given the set of circumstances you grew up in, plus some genetics. And what you're going to learn is different ways your body can get through a day. That's what counseling is going to do. It's going to let you practice.
It's going to teach you relationship. It's going to teach you some new skills. Over time, your body's going to learn, hey, we weren't safe then. We're safe now. All of that is worthy of an investment. Go. Don't think twice about it. And listen to this. This is important. Your feelings are not designed to tell you the truth. Your feelings are designed to keep you safe given a set of circumstances.
So this morning, I did not feel like writing in a journal. I didn't. But I did it because I'm a better husband and a better dad on the other side of that. When I get all this crap out of my head and out of my body and onto a piece of paper, I will not feel like working out when I get home tonight. I won't feel like it at all. I'm tired. It's the weekend.
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Chapter 5: How can I effectively budget for Christmas this year?
That's the problem right now. We got a huge hole. We have a decent shovel, but not compared to the hole. So that's going to be your key out of here. And canceling the insurance to make a few extra hundred bucks is not going to be the ticket out either.
so but i'd keep looking in the in the couch cushions of your budget to see where else you can cut to make some meaningful impact but the income is where you're going to be able to knock this debt out in the next you know four or five years if you can start throwing you know 70 80 grand of your take-home pay at this debt it's a different equation what's your husband do he's in sales does he have an opportunity to significantly increase his salary
Um, yes. Yeah. And he's been working on that. He's actually very good at what he does.
Chapter 6: What strategies can help reduce holiday spending anxiety?
So again, like his, because he's in sales, his income is also incredibly variable. So it's the budgeting thing has been, it's also the first time I've ever done the budget.
Yeah, we can tell.
We can tell. Well, you guys are also in the Bay Area, which not helping. Yes, we are. What's your mortgage or rent?
$2,900. $2,900.
Okay, that's reasonable.
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Chapter 7: How can I discuss financial boundaries with my kids during the holidays?
I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
No, it's actually stupidly low, and that's actually one of the issues is that I'm actually... It's complicated, but we're going to have to move because it's just not as sustainable. I moved into his bachelor pad, so it's going to have to go up, but...
Well, there's a whole lot that's unsustainable right now, and half a million dollars of debt is a bigger problem than moving into the bachelor pad. So I wish you the best in increasing this income and getting rid of half a million dollars in debt. Our friend Jade Warshaw did it. If you need some inspiration and motivation, check out her book, Money's Not a Math Problem.
That puts this segment in the books. We'll be right back. I'm George Campbell, joined by Dr. John Deloney.
Chapter 8: What are practical steps to take when facing overwhelming debt?
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Today's question comes from Jim in Ohio. Jim asks, My wife and I decided not to use credit cards prior to marriage. She decided to use one of her cards behind my back and is now $6,000 in debt. She has $6,000 in savings from a settlement to pay it off but will not. Your thoughts?
My thoughts, Jim, are that this is not about using money X to pay off debt Y. This is about you and your wife had a set of values and your wife lied to your face. This is not about using settlement X to pay off debt Y. This is about your wife committing financial infidelity. She cheated on you. Y'all agreed we're not going to do this. She did. That's what you'll have to deal with.
Because you deal with that issue, then the what do we do next is anything. If somebody cheats on their spouse with another romantic partner and they choose to stay together, the question's often like, what do we do now? We're going to do anything it takes, everything it takes. Y'all just have to have the harder conversation, which is your marriage is in a lot of trouble.
And this is one of the reasons, John, that we recommend people combine bank accounts, have total visibility and communication when it comes to money. Because my guess is they never really combine finances. She's doing her thing over here. Well, she has this 6K in settlement. She has this debt. She won't pay it off.
We need to have an hour discussion, a wee discussion where we go, we have $6,000 in savings. We now have $6,000 in debt. How are we going to solve this and how do we prevent this from ever happening again?
And if she says, no, no, no, no, I have $6,000, your marriage is in trouble. Period. And I know the internets don't like that. And I know the modern day marriage is stupid. It's an old, archaic relic. Look around. Look around at our culture. Yeah, you're showing us. Great job, guys. It is critically important, and you got to be all in.
If both of you aren't all in, well, then the whole thing caves in on itself. Part of being all in is saying our money, our debt, our home, not... My check goes in my account to pay my bills. Well, then you're glorified roommates. And you did that in college.
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