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Chapter 1: How can I financially plan an exit from a toxic relationship?
Live from the headquarters of Ramsey Solutions, broadcasting from the pods, moving and storage studios. It's the Ramsey Show, where we help people build wealth, do work. that they love and create actual amazing relationships. Open phones at 888-825-5225.
Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey personality, number one best-selling author and host of the very popular Ramsey Network's produced Dr. John Deloney Show, where we deal with all kinds of relationship and mental health issues. He's my co-host today as we're taking your questions. Phone number is 888-825-5225. This is where common sense meets reality and life, and it does it every day here.
Thanks for joining us. The call's free, and some say the advice is worth exactly what you pay for it. Elizabeth is with us in Dallas. Hi, Elizabeth. Welcome to the Ramsey Show.
Hello. How are you?
Great. What's up?
Hi, so I have a question. I've been with my partner and boyfriend for seven years, and we have two small children together, and I recently brought up the fact that we should get married and actually have one baby count and do everything together, and he says that he doesn't want to do that. Why? He doesn't want to do marriage.
Why?
He says because he's already previously been married, and he's just not going to do it.
Why does he think he's not married now?
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Chapter 2: What is the 'Marriage Advantage' and how does it impact relationships?
Yes. What's the difference in this and marriage? I'm confused.
Well, he says that he's not interested, that either accept him or what should we do?
So, Elizabeth, I want you to hear what he's actually telling you. He's telling you he went all in on somebody once and got hurt or broke up with or whatever. And he's looking at you after seven years and two children and saying, you're not worth that. I'd rather have my illusion of singleness in my back pocket at all times. So that I can preserve my little fragile ego. Meanwhile, play house.
And play house with you. And you be my wife. And I'll keep all the equity and everything. And I'll keep all my money. And I'll basically pay you like a live-in nanny. But this is all mine. That's what he's telling you. I hate that for you.
I'm sorry.
I hate that for you.
How old are your babies?
One is four and the other is one.
Little boy, little girl, what?
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Chapter 3: Should I sell my car to get out of debt?
That's a decision you're going to have to own. What I will tell you is I think you are worth going all in on. And I think you're worth having a home that two people want to do life together and create a safe space to raise these two beautiful little babies. You're worth that.
but you're going to have to make the grownup decision on whether you stay and you try to build a life inside of a cocoon, um, or you make other decisions in two weeks.
I'll be in two weeks. I'll be, go ahead. I'm sorry.
Go ahead, babe.
What? Um, I'm mostly more afraid of like if I walk away, how would I manage with money? I haven't worked in a while, so that's, I'm going to be truthful. That's exactly what's stopping me now from walking away.
And that's a very real fear. I mean, that's a very real fear that the data suggests that when men and women split up, especially in this situation, his net worth will actually go up and yours will go down for a season until you get so pissed off that you become a multimillionaire later.
But yeah, um, but yeah, the, uh, uh, So in other words, you can't do this today. It's theory. Because you got babies you have to feed. But you can say, all right, I'm going to plan my escape. And I'm going to get my career tooled up. And I'm going to go get a job. And I'm going to start making some serious money. And then I get to make decisions from strength rather than from weakness.
Get to walk to something, not run from something.
And then you can walk in and go, I'm not sure, dude, that I want to marry you. So there's that.
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Chapter 4: What are the risks of an adjustable-rate mortgage (ARM)?
Yeah. But that comes from strength, and you're – when you're scared and broke, it keeps you from making decisions. So let's move from scared and broke and then remake the decision. You might make the decision under strength to stay, but you would need to make it from strength rather than from weakness. Is that logical?
Yes.
So if it takes you a year to start making $40,000 a year, then take that year and go do it. That's fine. I got no plan. Got no problem. And you're in Dallas, Texas. He ain't going nowhere.
Yeah. And you're in Dallas, man. There will be people that will hire you.
In about 20 seconds.
i don't want my kids in daycare then marry their mother hey elizabeth it's not uncommon in this situation especially after this long that this isn't the only thing that this person won't quote unquote do this person's been telling you that your things you think are funny or stupid and the feelings or concerns you have about any number of things are dumb You can't fill in the blank.
And after seven years, after almost a decade of this, you've come to believe that stuff to be true, right?
I have my doubts.
Yeah. I don't. I don't either. Because the girl that called here has got more stuff inside of her than she sounds like she does or thinks she does. Now go get it.
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Chapter 5: How do I deal with a toxic estate planning situation?
Don't forget two old guys believe in you.
Yeah, and you got a four-year-old daughter watching to see how mama is a warrior princess. Look out, here comes Xena. You remember that one?
Yeah, but don't make that little weird noise call thing. Keep that one to yourself, Elizabeth. Don't do that. Just let that only be in your head. Don't do that. Dave, you bring that up. There's a concern, obviously, which is financial, which is real. That's math. There is no debate about that.
what about my babies and what you bring up is really important there is a ringside seat to oh this is what a mom and a wife are supposed to just accept as reality or i had a ringside seat to watching my mom go from a a live-in boyfriend that told her dude i'm not wasting any more energy on you all the way to a successful business owner warrior princess running shop and they got to watch that happen in real time yeah
Some of the most powerful people I've met, a single mom raised them.
Oh, man.
And she was a go-getter, and she wouldn't be denied. Yeah.
And, yeah. The kids take that work ethic, and then they go become a surgeon or something, and there's no stopping them.
Exactly. It sets up the next generation. You're setting up the next generation. So spend the next year deciding that and getting ready. I'm sorry you're facing this, kiddo. This is The Ramsey Show. Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey Personality, is my co-host today. Open phones at 888-825-5225. I'm going to go with 32 years of broadcasting and experience and go with my gut on something here.
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Chapter 6: What should I do if my partner refuses to marry after years together?
Um, from that last caller. Yeah. The, uh, because the actual data is, and those of you that are old, like me, you don't realize this data, but more people now live together than are married.
statistic I mean actual human beings are more more more shacking up cohabitating whatever you want to call it then are married and what people don't grasp is the data it's been going on that's been going on since the you know the the love shack of the 70s and from then on you know here we go and so
What people don't realize is the unintended consequences legally, financially, relationally, that builds up in these situations. books of research on this now, on the actual results. And in the financial arena, as an example, we'll start with that one. There is a thing called the marriage advantage. You've seen this data. And the marriage advantage says that married people live longer.
I think that's because your wife drives you crazy to go get a physical. But I don't know exactly what it is, but married people live longer. And their net worth is significantly larger. And their net worth is significantly larger, and their incomes and their career trajectory is significantly higher, statistically.
So that's not like a Dave opinion, so you little farts on Tic Tac can just go run off the cliff, all right, with your little comments. But the facts are, the data says that your net worth, your longevity, and your –
uh uh career track and income all are improved with marriage it's called the the research piece buckets of research are called the marriage advantage in general there's a whole volume also if you live together prior to getting married you are statistically four times more likely to get a divorce later I hadn't heard it being that high. Wow. That's wild. You know?
And so you get, and there's all kinds of other things that come in with the cohabitating pro or I'm going to try on these shoes to make sure they fit before we buy them, you know, kind of a thing. Right. And so, um, there's all kinds of data that shows the disadvantages to that. There's all kinds of data that shows a disadvantages to short engagements, right?
You meet someone this weekend, and by next weekend you're married.
Statistically, you're very unlikely for that marriage to last as compared to someone who has a six-month engagement period average, not a two-year or a six-year, but a six-month engagement period average after the dating process has begun because it takes a little while to figure out, is this a person I want to spend the rest of my life with? Duh. Met him at a bar on Saturday, married on Monday.
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Chapter 7: How can I prepare for financial independence after leaving a toxic relationship?
That's not smart, okay? And so can it work? Does it work occasionally? Sure. Sure, there's always statistical anomalies. But I'm talking about if you're 16 or you have a 16-year-old, what would you tell them the best way for them to have their most prosperous quality life is?
Have four or five Long Island iced teas, put all your money on red, and find somebody to marry before the weekend's over, right? No one would say that. No one would say that, right?
No grandmother ever told her granddaughter that, right? Good grief, no. Yeah. Just saddle up at the daiquiri bar and see how this works out.
If you marry somebody at the daiquiri bar, I'm just going to go ahead and say that study's probably not been done. That ain't going to last. That ain't going to last.
That's a John Deloney study.
Yes. All right, but here's the other. I don't know that this study's been done, and I don't know that it needs to be. That last caller said something that's important, and it's this illusion of freedom and singleness.
Okay.
I'm going to live with somebody for two years, five years, seven years. I'm going to have kids with them, but I'm not going to get married because I want to keep that shard of freedom. One foot out the door. And what you forget is he or she can't fully anchor into you. Those kids can't fully anchor into this unit. Um, Because it's not fully a unit yet. Because you got one foot out of the boat.
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Chapter 8: What advice is there for managing financial stress in relationships?
You're only rowing one armed, right?
It's so hard. It's impossible. And it's put her in a position almost as if she was in a domestic violence situation. She's not. I don't think. But she's trapped. And that's the abuser uses the trapped. Oh, how are you going to live? You ain't getting money. So they're trapped, so they stay in the punching bag scenario because that's the only way the kids get to eat. But also, guess what?
The kids get to watch this, and so they think that's how it's done. And this is a problem. It's a serious problem. So just telling you, I mean, what would you tell your 7-year-old daughter, right? Your 17-year-old daughter, your 17-year-old son, right? What does a man look like in these situations?
You know, a reasonable length of engagement, not living together prior to marriage, and then getting married. Oh, by the way, if you graduate from college, you know, you heard this thing, 50% of the marriages fail. You heard that one? It's absolutely not true. That's right. It's absolutely not true. They don't. Okay.
If you make more than $50,000 a year household income, both of you graduate from college, and both of your parents are still married, you have a 90% chance of your marriage lasting. That's the stats. That's the real stats. Okay. So this, and some of these are, you can't control whether your parents are still together, but you can control graduating from school.
You can control accomplishing goals. You can control delaying pleasure called maturity. You can control these things. These are controllables that you can use to set the table for your life. And then you get to see what the results are, what the, what the fruit is of that. And so, you know, so, you know, none of my children prior to marriage lived together. Was it because dad's a big old meanie?
No, it's because I taught him this stuff. Tom, you have a distinct advantage if you will have a reasonable length of engagement, graduate from school, make a reasonable income, marry someone that is of the same religious preference that you are, learn to set boundaries with extended family.
If you do all of these things and agree on kids, how many to have and whether to let them live, all these kinds of things, right? And that was a joke. Sort of. But, I mean, when you have these things lined up ahead of time, your probability of having a marriage that lasts is very high.
I mean, Sharon and I are getting ready to celebrate 41 years, and there have been times we almost killed each other. But you fell back on that covenant. Well, and we fell back on this value system that set us up to win. I mean, it's just ridiculous.
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