The Rules
Episodes
Tom Crowley
21 Jun 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Tom Crowley, the writer, actor, comedian and creator of Crowley Time, with me Tom Crowley, persuades Simon to help eradicate meat walls on train platf...
Abi Clarke
14 Jun 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Comedian, actor and presenter Abi Clarke guides Simon towards dramatically restricting small talk and expanding self-service checkouts and car horns. ...
Lenny Sherman
07 Jun 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and actor Lenny Sherman goes into business with Simon to stop people over-sharing their phone conversations and over-feeding their neighbours...
John Hastings
31 May 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Internationally renowned stand-up and podcaster John Hastings encourages Simon to adopt a more North-American attitude to bad drivers and morons by th...
Kyrah Gray
24 May 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Comedian, actor and presenter Kyrah Gray implores Simon to fill the streets with gravel to make tackling rude people more effective and remake disappo...
Neil O'Rourke
17 May 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Celebrated stand-up Neil O'Rourke helps Simon control K-munters and seat encroachers by filtering gilets and putting Michael Palin in a box. Hosted on...
Tom Craine
10 May 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Comedian, writer and co-host of Oh What A Time Tom Craine helps Simon improve everyone's mood with showers and 90s sleepovers. Hosted on Acast. See ac...
Jacob Edwards
03 May 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Actor, comedian and producer Jacob Edwards joins Simon to try to fix the machinery of convenience and ensure fat cats stay in touch with the common fo...
Marjolein Robertson
26 Apr 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Award-winning comedian, writer and storyteller Marjolein Robertson helps Simon attempt to spark conversation on the tube and find a way to stop people...
Toussaint Douglass
19 Apr 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up, writer and Edinburgh Comedy Awards Best Newcomer winner Toussaint Douglass insists Simon induct rules to improve self-checkouts and ensure t...
James Mileham
12 Apr 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Comedian, director and Roast Battle Champion James Mileham enlists Simon to stop people trying to be cool and find a way to make sure everyone has a g...
James Gill
05 Apr 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Always Be Comedy's James Gill helps Simon quell male rage with enforced shavings and curb unsolicited advice with QR codes. Hosted on Acast. See acast...
Chloe Petts
29 Mar 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and writer Chloe Petts helps Simon counter chaos on the streets, the injustice of vending machines and the total mess that is the world wide ...
Matt Lucas
22 Mar 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Comedy legend Matt Lucas joins Simon to sort out the problems of improvised toothpicks, impersonal e-cards and improper exaltation of Nutella. Hosted ...
Dan Atkinson
15 Mar 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Writer, stand-up and producer of Russell Howard's Five Brilliant Things, Dan Atkinson urges Simon to stop people dancing like nobody's watching by dra...
Sam Picone
08 Mar 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and social media comedian Sam Picone helps Simon come up with rules to make internet users and binmen behave themselves. Hosted on Acast. See...
Lorna Rose Treen
01 Mar 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Multi-award-winning comedian, writer and actor Lorna Rose Treen invites Simon to consider rules to end the tyranny of tickling and kick-start the next...
Steve Hall
22 Feb 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Writer and stand-up Steve Hall presents Simon with rules to stop people making spam phone calls, sending intrusive emails and projecting irritating no...
Aideen McQueen
15 Feb 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up, writer and actor Aideen McQueen joins Simon to dole out slap-based retribution and ensure that we can all listen in to other people's public...
Jake Bhardwaj
08 Feb 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Joe Marler Will See You Now and The Pub Quiz Podcast's Jake Bhardwaj joins Simon to keep Dad jokes to the minimum and get his Dad's knowledge of curre...
Nick Elleray
01 Feb 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and writer Nick Elleray employs Simon to give everyone plenty of personal space and a nice quiet life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy...
Alfie Dundas
25 Jan 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and social media star Alfie Dundas coerces Simon into controlling the rich and stupid through means testing their contribution to society and...
Samira Banks
18 Jan 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Award-winning stand-up Samira Banks inspires Simon to induct rules to control jobsworths and ensure that people put in more effort when they lie. Host...
Matt Forde
11 Jan 2026
Contributed by Lukas
Comedian, broadcaster and impressionist Matt Forde joins Simon to figure out how to stop people being rude to waiters by curtailing obsession with sta...
Jordan Brookes
21 Dec 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Edinburgh Comedy Award winning Jordan Brookes inspires Simon to use complex computer simulations and child labour to stop people dropping apple cores....
Michael Stranney
14 Dec 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Writer, actor performer and producer Michael Stranney helps Simon get to grip with people who don't respect the tube or communal fridges and scam text...
Rich Fulcher
07 Dec 2025
Contributed by Lukas
The one and only Rich Fulcher helps Simon figure out how to stop people blocking bus seats and make sure his kids remember to put on their socks. Host...
Eleanor Morton
30 Nov 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Writer, podcaster and comedian Eleanor Morton encourages Simon to introduce rules to curb public spitting and bad conversations. Hosted on Acast. See ...
Andy Field
23 Nov 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and actor Andy Field joins Simon to inspire driving empathy and psychedelic misadventure. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more inf...
Matthew Crosby
16 Nov 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Prolific writer, broadcaster and Pappy's member Matthew Crosby helps Simon restore the high street to its former glory and guarantee that people reall...
Chris Cantrill
09 Nov 2025
Contributed by Lukas
The Delightful Sausage and Rural Concerns' Chris Cantrill convinces Simon to eradicate bags on train seats and littering, while rewarding the socially...
Shalaka Kurup
02 Nov 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Multi-award-winning comedian Shalaka Kurup teams up with Simon to ensure that everyone will always be on time and respectful to bus drivers. Hosted on...
Nick Helm
26 Oct 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Actor, comedian and musician Nick Helm vents to Simon about angry gym-goers, unfriendly neighbours and trying to maintain empathy. Hosted on Acast. Se...
James Shakeshaft
19 Oct 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Co-host of Loremen and Rural Concerns James Shakeshaft joins Simon to combat anarchy in the world of eggs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for ...
Robbie Knox
12 Oct 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Podcaster and Youtuber Robbie Knox implores Simon to reward elite airport users and punish traffic-light-ignoring cyclists. Hosted on Acast. See acast...
Jacob Hawley
05 Oct 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Writer, stand-up and co-host of The Screen Rot Podcast Jacob Hawley inundates Simon with rules on drinking, driving, queuing and poltergeists. Hosted ...
Annie McGrath
28 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Writer, actor and stand-up Annie McGrath joins Simon to make swimming pools more calming, park runs less dangerous and Q&As less embarrassing. Hos...
Finlay Christie
21 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and sketch comedian Finlay Christie pleads with Simon to fix bad adverts, impolite conversation and stressful driving lessons. Hosted on Acas...
Michael Odewale
14 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up and writer Michael Odewale convinces Simon to utilise inflatable obstacle courses, horses and spanking to bring order to the world. Hosted on...
Elis James
07 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
The inimitable Elis James begs Simon to force people to laugh at his jokes and chill out by 10%. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more infor...
Alasdair Beckett-King
31 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Multi-talented comedian Alasdair Beckett-King guides Simon towards subjugating the rich with book tokens and genetically engineered foxes. Hosted on A...
Sikisa
24 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up, writer and immigration solicitor Sikisa employs Simon to add rules on public weeing, shared Spotify account etiquette and denigration of pro...
Michael May
17 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Celebrated MC & stand-up Michael May convinces Simon to protect cats from being picked up and humans from being given dystopian names. Hosted on A...
Eshaan Akbar
10 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Actor and stand-up Eshaan Akbar helps Simon deal with people who refuse to get their tickets ready before the barriers and block escalators with their...
Eryn Tett
03 Aug 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Award-winning stand-up Eryn Tett implores Simon to induct rules against one-star reviews and lying to be nice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy ...
John Meagher
27 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Writer and stand-up John Meagher convinces Simon to end the chaos of Lime bikes with the healing power of fire. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy...
Jack Barry
20 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Feel Good actor and stand-up Jack Barry helps Simon eradicate food fingering and window peering. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more infor...
Tom Parry
13 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Pappy's very own Tom Parry and Simon rid the world of chimneys and bring estate agents to order with the power of zorbs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.co...
Kate Barron
06 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Force of nature stand-up Kate Barron joins Simon to talk bad dog owners, etiquette lessons in schools and how to confront wrongdoers responsibly. Host...
Barry Ferns
29 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Co-founder of Angel Comedy Barry Ferns and Simon aim to embarrass cyclists and public eaters. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informat...
Hasan Al-Habib
22 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Award-winning comedian Hasan Al-Habib and Simon get to grips with manipulative text messages and the decline of Ps and Qs in popular media. Hosted on ...
Andrew Mensah
15 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up, presenter and co-host of We Saw That Andrew Mensah provides Simon with philosophical ways of making people try their best under the constant...
Michelle Shaughnessy
08 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Canadian stand-up and actor Michelle Shaughnessy and Simon devise ways of bringing small talk, train delays and bothering women after dark to an end. ...
Sunil Patel
01 Jun 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Actor and co-host of Rural Concerns Sunil Patel joins Simon to take aim at unruly public transport passengers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy ...
Rob Copland
25 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Victoria Wood Award winner Rob Copland and Simon work out plans to enlighten the populace and end the tyranny of food influencers. Hosted on Acast. Se...
Rhys James
25 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Stand-up, author and panel-based comedian Rhys James joins Simon to discuss how to rein in the chaos on the nation's walkways. Hosted on Acast. See ac...
Trailer
18 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Coming soon. The podcast to save us all. Email YOUR rules to [email protected]. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.