Relationship dilemmas that make you think
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What is the first relationship dilemma about hidden debt?
Okay, so the first one we have is, I found out my spouse was hiding a huge debt. This is a 39-year-old female who's married to a 37-year-old male. We've been married for 10 years and together 12. The other day I watched on our video camera as my husband was served papers for a lawsuit. He told me it was for a loan he had received and things have just spiraled since then. I've always trusted him to do the finances. I make a low six figures and turn all of my money over to him to pay the bills. He also makes good money, but we struggled during COVID with job loss and he had to take a job paying very little. He now makes the same as I do.
I thought she was making six figures.
So she's making in the low six figures.
Okay, but he's still making good money too.
He's making good money, but wait for this. I found out we are $130,000 in debt. I had no idea. I knew we had to put a few things on credit cards, but I didn't know we had 12 maxed out cards. I don't even know what all this money was spent on. I feel so absurdly betrayed. I'm scared that we will never recover from this and I can't trust him anymore. What's the best thing I can do for myself and my three kids?
Oh, three kids. I didn't even know. Three kids.
Married with three kids. $130,000 of debt.
My first question would be like, what did you spend this on? If she doesn't even know what he spent it on, that's so eerie. Like, is he buying stuff for somebody else? Like, is he also having an affair? That's what makes me wonder.
People make fun of Dave Ramsey's money plan with like the envelopes and the cash and using cash to pay for everything. I feel like people like Dave Ramsey. Well, people will make fun of it. And it's like, this is the reason why that exists, because people will spend money and not even realize how much money they're spending until you've maxed out.
$130 something thousand dollars. Like, what is he buying? Like, I'm with her. I'm like, what did you get?
one of the top comments underneath the thread. First step, get your own account and immediately have your salary routed there. You will now be paying all bills that involve the household and children. He needs to figure out how he plans to fix this mess he has created. Maybe a second job or a different job paying more. He needs to come clean and give you the full picture. Statements, transactions, balances for all of these accounts. Are you on all of these credit cards? I don't know if there's coming back from this. Financial infidelity would be a deal breaker for many otherwise rock solid relationships. This is a giant hole that may be hard to recover from, but it can be done.
That was a really good response.
It was a really good response. Honestly, she has a point. Financial infidelity is a thing. If someone is going to-
ruin your life financially i think there is grounds for divorce there if somebody is consistently wrecking your finances that is a huge stress on raising kids on marriage yeah i would feel really really betrayed especially with children because it's like we chose to like have these kids and to provide for them together and you just squandered not just your own earnings but my earnings and that is going to affect our children because of your poor decisions
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the first relationship dilemma about hidden debt?
0:51–6:55
2
How should you handle financial infidelity in marriage?
6:55–11:34
3
What are the concerns when a best friend warns against marriage?
11:34–14:25
4
How to respond to a friend’s negative opinion about your partner?
14:25–19:50
5
What are practical steps when considering divorce after years of marriage?
19:50–22:48
6
How can couples reconnect after drifting apart?
22:48–27:07
7
How to decide whether to accept a family member's apology after conflict?
27:07–30:11
8
What are the challenges and considerations around vasectomy vs tubal ligation?
30:11–1:02:23
Speakers
4 identifiedMore from The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby
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