Matt & Abby react to wild relationship stories from Reddit — from hidden debt and surprise divorces to cringey confessions and tough family drama. Some are hilarious, some are heavy, and all of them will leave you thinking. This episode is sponsored by Bobbie & Hiya. Bobbie: Visit https://hibobbie.com for an additional 10% off your purchase with code UNPLANNED. Hiya: Go to https://hiyahealth.com/UNPLANNED and receive 50% off your first order. Get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What is the first relationship dilemma about hidden debt?
Okay, so the first one we have is, I found out my spouse was hiding a huge debt. This is a 39-year-old female who's married to a 37-year-old male. We've been married for 10 years and together 12. The other day I watched on our video camera as my husband was served papers for a lawsuit. He told me it was for a loan he had received and things have just spiraled since then.
I've always trusted him to do the finances. I make a low six figures and turn all of my money over to him to pay the bills. He also makes good money, but we struggled during COVID with job loss and he had to take a job paying very little. He now makes the same as I do.
I thought she was making six figures.
So she's making in the low six figures.
Okay, but he's still making good money too.
He's making good money, but wait for this. I found out we are $130,000 in debt. I had no idea. I knew we had to put a few things on credit cards, but I didn't know we had 12 maxed out cards. I don't even know what all this money was spent on. I feel so absurdly betrayed. I'm scared that we will never recover from this and I can't trust him anymore.
What's the best thing I can do for myself and my three kids?
Oh, three kids. I didn't even know. Three kids.
Married with three kids. $130,000 of debt.
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Chapter 2: How should you handle financial infidelity in marriage?
The friend?
I think that's completely inappropriate.
Yeah.
Like for a friend to be like, don't propose. Like that's between them. Like that decision for marriage is between them. You can give insight if people are asking for it or if you see major red flags. Like she's cheating with somebody else. Like something that she has no reason to be honest with. This is just beyond... That's not a true friend either. Yeah.
I feel like he would go to her if he's like, hey, like, by the way, I don't I don't think you've given enough time. If he thinks she should be independent for a period of time or if he thinks that she's becoming too emotionally reliant or like things like that, that's for him to talk to her.
It's weird that.
Like, why would he let why would that why would he let her be in that? Sorry.
It's weird that he went to the boyfriend. Why did he not go to his friend?
Yeah.
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Chapter 3: What are the concerns when a best friend warns against marriage?
I'm controlling, he's incompetent, bad combo. Probably around 2019, he started becoming rude to me. It started small, but I addressed it regularly. The most annoying part was when he blamed me for everything. The tiny example is when we couldn't find the TV remote. Where did you put the remote? The rudeness increased after his best friend died by suicide.
I gave a lot of leeway and stopped pushing back on his rudeness. I told him multiple times he needed to go to therapy. After a lot of excuses, he admitted he didn't want therapy because he didn't want to do the work. I stopped asking. In 2022, I got sick. I was scared it was cancer, but all the tests came back clean.
The ninth doctor I tried helped me clean up my diet, get active, start meditation, and motivated change. I'm not cured or diagnosed, but I'm much better. But it's a daily practice to work on my health. I'm now training for a 5K. I've stopped watching TV and I read. During that process, I moved into the guest bedroom to get better sleep.
He refused to treat his apnea and blamed me for not giving him a sleep clinic number. I stopped hanging out with him because I wasn't watching TV anymore. He said no when I asked him to go for a walk. Always an excuse. I ended up creating a separate life in our home. Eventually, I think he realized it and finally stopped being rude and stopped the blame.
He did blame me for the remote about two months after I stopped watching TV. It's been better for about six to nine months, but once it got better, I realized he only treated me with any respect once I forced him to by removing myself from him. Now I'm happiest when he's out of the house. I don't miss him if we're apart for a week.
I am sometimes annoyed if he's in the house because he watches TV 100% of the time he's awake. I don't want to do our normal summer plans, which are fast approaching, so I think I need to tell him ASAP that I want a divorce. I'm thinking after an upcoming trip he has next week so I don't ruin the trip. How do I start the conversation?
How do I avoid getting sucked in a vortex of trying to justify, explain, convince him it's not worth saving? I don't want to work on the marriage. He's had four years to start therapy alone or with me, so I'm not willing to accept that as an option. I don't hate him, but I don't really like him anymore. I'm done.
That's so sad.
Wait, I still have no idea what AH stands for.
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Chapter 4: How to respond to a friend’s negative opinion about your partner?
Like,
he's irresponsible or you know something much deeper than that i like you i'm gonna hold your hand okay yeah and so i feel like there's a lot of things here where they could go and like it's kind of weird that we're holding i know i'd like it i like it though so let's do it yeah i like holding your hand okay so i feel like there's a lot of things and like her just being so specific like she literally went on listed every single household chore and like who does it in their house really did break that i feel like she has like first of all you're not supposed to keep it's contempt
She has contempt for her husband.
Oh, totally.
That's the number one predictor of divorce is contempt. Even Dr. Gottman's Institute proved that. It's like when you see contempt in a relationship at that level, you're usually headed for divorce.
And I think that they've prioritized being individuals over how they can be individuals within their marriage. And so I feel like them sleeping in different rooms, getting different like – you know, doing different evening, like her just being like, I'm not going to watch TV anymore.
I'm like, I wonder it would be so, so hard if you've gotten to this place where you just feel like you're utterly removed from your spouse. But I wonder if one night she'd be like, Hey, what are you watching? Like take any interest in something. If he watches TV all the time and you don't like that, but just like try to step into that. And just give an inch and see if he gives an inch.
But don't test. But just, you know what I mean? Like, just see if there's any place. Or say, hey, like, I know you're not feeling comfortable with individual therapy. I mean, I think it's okay to say, like... I'm considering, it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm considering divorce.
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What are practical steps when considering divorce after years of marriage?
Freaking life is hard, dude.
Life is hard.
Life is hard. So why don't you do it with your husband?
And you're not meant to do it alone. Like obviously there's, there are really, really great, amazing reasons for being single. And there's sometimes it's not by choice. And there's like some really things that are like not possible to move forward. Obviously. I'm just talking about in general, I'm so sick of the narrative. That's like, girl, you leave him. You deserve better.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, wait a minute. Can we be a little self-reflective here? What areas am I falling short as a wife that I can step up on where, What resources can we look to? Like, let's quit going to this resort because guess what? You're going to find yourself in another relationship where you're like, well, you know what? They're not perfect. Shocker.
I really thought they were perfect. And now I'm mad that they're not perfect. So I'm going to move on again.
When you look at the stats of how many people that get divorced end up getting divorced again, it's staggering. Yeah.
Yeah, because it's like, don't dip. There's no perfect person out there.
You're going from being married to a human to another human. We all F up. We all screw up.
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Chapter 6: How can couples reconnect after drifting apart?
But these people are all, I mean, these are from like Mr. Jingles and Tacos and Sushi. Like all these names are so random.
I hope she hasn't already had this conversation because of the people telling her like, tell him right now you're not going to be his wife anymore and you're moving out on X date. I'm like, oh, wow. I just can't imagine that user feeling like they had everything they needed to know to just encourage someone to get a lawyer and move out.
I love you, Abby. I love your taste.
This is where I get so spicy and I'm like, but for what? Like I don't know these people at all.
Okay, this next one.
Me and the sister-in-law should do this episode.
Yes.
I feel like that would be really good.
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Chapter 7: How to decide whether to accept a family member's apology after conflict?
With plans to have children soon, I realize I will have to decide on whether their grandfather will be involved in their lives or not. I'm really torn. Do I accept his apology and meet with him or choose to continue to ignore him? Have any of you ever chose to cut a close family member off from your life? If so, did you regret it down the road?
Hmm.
You go first.
That's really, really tough. Did you gather from that whether or not she had told him that she had a boyfriend or was he just introduced at the mom's house when he was changing the oil?
See, that's where I'm kind of confused.
Regardless, it was completely his reaction was completely inappropriate.
I'm rereading this right now and it looks like she introduced her fiance to her dad.
So maybe he was a little hurt that she hadn't told him.
That's true.
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Chapter 8: What are the challenges and considerations around vasectomy vs tubal ligation?
Yeah. Yeah.
It says he forgave my dad.
He seems like an awesome guy. And I feel like it'd be different if your fiance is like, I'm really, really like I think that since he's open to it, too, like you both just entertain one more conversation.
OK, this is really interesting.
Oh, okay. How do I, a 21 year old male, tell my girlfriend, a 23 year old female, why I won't get a vasectomy? My girlfriend and I are extremely close. She's my best friend. We've been together three years. Eventually we're getting married, but it's not a huge priority right now due to college and other situations. She's very innocent and therefore believes it's impossible we would ever split up.
I admire her enthusiasm and don't see it happening either. But coming from a divorced parents, obviously I know rational people don't get married expecting a divorce and that anything is possible. Neither of us want kids, but especially not her. I could do it just fine if she really wanted them, but I prefer not to.
Now, with that being said, if we were to break up and I ended up with another woman who really wanted kids, I'd like to be able to have the option. I've never been a fan of burning bridges, and I consider my balls a fairly good bridge, lol. Okay. Okay.
For some more context, she has major anxiety around doctors and related fields, and she is super against tying her tubes or something similar, which I definitely understand. She also doesn't do well with... Wait, wait, wait.
She's against tying her tubes, but he has to get his tubes tied?
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