Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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good i'm amber i'm 27 and the guy i'm hooking up with is engaged what do i do break up why are you why are you hooking up with an engaged man so it's been a situation ship for the last five years okay so is he cheating on his fiancee with you yes okay explain to me why you think that's okay I don't.
We have been really good friends for the last five years, hooking up, and then he started dating her about three years ago, and it just continued throughout that. Okay. Explain to me how you've been able to justify it on your end. I mean, obviously, I'm aware that it's really shitty what I've been doing, and I'm not going to make excuses for it, but I think where I've been coming from is...
To me, it hasn't been just a situationship. I'm the person on the other end who has had feelings the whole time. And I've just been kind of hoping that maybe someday he would wake up and change his mind and have those feelings back. So in a way, it's like you knew him first and you felt a connection with him first.
So there's a part of you that is telling yourself that you're just as entitled to his love and affection as she is. I don't think it's like an entitlement. I think it was just like, I just wanted it because of how I had felt for so long.
Yeah, but we all want things, but like what stop, you know, for example, I imagine anytime you walk into a bank, you might want, you know, maybe you see the vault open and you see a stack of money and there's like a hundred thousand dollars worth of cash there. You might want that, but like, would you steal it if you knew you couldn't get caught?
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Chapter 2: How can I navigate my wedding plans with my mother's wedding?
No. Okay. So it's not about wanting it, right? There's a, I guess what I'm trying to, you know, just like there is a part, I think it's important for you to understand why you've been able to justify it because you have justified it, right? Like you can acknowledge it's wrong.
I don't know anything about you, but I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're not a horrible person that lacks empathy and I think you're doing a shitty thing to someone who you really don't know. And there's a disconnect between you and this other person. But you have been able to justify it because the flip side is you like knowing it's shitty, you don't give a fuck.
And you're like, you don't even feel the need to justify it because you just don't care. That would make you kind of a shitty person. I'm guessing you're not. So you have had to justify it because without justifying it, then you just don't give a fuck. Does that make sense? Yeah.
Chapter 3: What steps can I take to rebuild trust in my relationship?
So yeah, I think it's important you acknowledge that you've had to justify it and that you have justified it and figuring out how you've justified it, just to make yourself aware of it. Because again, we justify things all the time and we convince ourselves of things that maybe deep down we know aren't right. The good people who do bad things, which all the time, every day,
It's not because they're evil. It's because they're able to justify it. They're able to say things like, well, I know it's wrong, but. Does that make sense? Yeah, I guess. Yeah. So we never would really talk about the relationship. So like, even though it existed, like the times that we were together, it wasn't being spoken about. So it was kind of just like the elephant in the room.
And then he also had me blocked from his Snapchat story. So I wasn't really seeing his like everyday life in that sense with her. And then the reason I found out they were engaged is he actually blocked me on Facebook because he didn't want me to see that the engagement had happened. Okay. What are you hoping to get out of this call?
So when I first wrote it, it was, I think, within, like, an hour of finding out because I was just mad sad, like, all the things. I think now that it's been about a month and I've processed it, it's more or less, like, what can I take from this to, like, be a better person after, but also, like, making sure that, like, I forgive myself for it, I guess.
Like, I have a lot of regret now and kind of feel like I almost don't deserve, like, a happy ending after this moving forward. Yeah. Okay, that's fair. Well, I think step one is just, again, just owning it. Acknowledge that you've done a shitty thing. It sounds like you're done with this guy. Is that accurate? Yes.
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Chapter 4: What should I do if I'm sleeping with an engaged man?
You are. Okay. And is that because right now he's not communicating with you because now he's engaged and he has cut you off? Or have you decided that you're done with this person? So I've decided I'm done. He hasn't cut me off. There was a little bit of communication right after I found out.
And then I did block him on Snapchat just because that's where a lot of the conversations regarding like the hookups and stuff were happening. So I wanted to take away that from myself because I didn't want to fall back into that. So there was a little bit of communication like over text afterwards.
But I made it clear to him that like if and when an engagement came, like that's when like this needed to end and I needed to be done with it. which, I mean, doesn't make up for the last three years, but that was the first time I was ever really able to set a boundary with him.
And so then when he went and blocked me on Facebook and I found out anyways, that's where a lot of the hurt came from because I was finally able to stand up and set the boundary with him. I mean, all you can do is just try to move forward with it. I don't think there's much good in telling this person. I don't know if that's even something you were considering. No, it wasn't. Okay.
I don't think you'd be trying to help her. I think you'd be trying to hurt her. So I'm glad that you're not considering that. Yeah, I mean, listen, you've done a bad thing. Try not to do it again. As far as thinking you don't deserve it or yada yada or karma is going to I mean, I definitely kind of believe in karma to a certain degree.
That being said, I don't think you need to operate and live in fear. If anything, you know, if something like this happens to you in the future, I don't think it's going to do you much good to be like, oh, I had this coming. You know, I don't think that's why it happened. Fast forward three years, you're in a relationship and your heart is broken and you feel really wronged.
Yeah, I don't think there's much good in it. I had it coming. I think maybe it will help you maybe feel less sorry for your... That's how I would approach it. For you, as you sit here now, what I think it's really important, I think you got to recognize, you chose to do some extreme shit, right?
Outside of the fact that he was dating someone else the whole time and you knew that in the back of your mind, I certainly can offer you a little grace because he's the main culprit here. It's really his fault. You certainly didn't help. You did a bad thing for sure. But as far as you allowing this to go on for five years, clearly getting very little from this man at times, but...
being okay, whether you said you were okay with it or not, your actions said that you were okay with him blocking you on Snapchat and keeping you a secret, and you were willing to take crumbs from this man for five years. And that's the part, if I were you, I would really try to focus on. And quite honestly,
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Chapter 5: How do I deal with feelings of guilt after a relationship mistake?
I'm sure he has his excuses and maybe he will also make some changes in his life. But as far as you're concerned, he shouldn't be the type of person you want to be so emotionally bent up over. And you got to start seeing him in that light. Yeah, I agree with that. So you got to let it go.
You got to let him go and be honest with yourself about what he represents and who he is and how he's treated you. Hold yourself to a higher standard. Stop making excuses for weak moments in your life and poor choices. Stop making excuses, but why you can't move on and then give yourself the credit that you do deserve.
So when you do make difficult choices and when you do put in the work and then try to, you know, compound that. What are you thinking?
sorry it's just I haven't talked about it this in depth in a long time so it's just I don't know it's a good wake-up call but it's a lot but no I agree and it's hard because it's like I do want better for myself and I do want to cut him out but it's like the second you know like a opportunity comes up to like talk to him it's like I still just want to take it and it's hard to
like let it just stay in the past, even though like I know it needs to, and like, I know I deserve better and it's not someone who I want in my life, but whatever reason it is, it's just so hard to give it up. You do need to think you deserve more than this. Yeah. In the past five years, how good has this person made you feel consistently? And I'm not talking about moments of like,
getting what you wanted for brief moments, but I feel like he's caused you a way more emotional stress than happiness. Yeah. I mean, there was definitely like some moments, you know, that stick out, but like you said, it wasn't consistent. It was just kind of like a highlight reel over the last five years. And it's not like it was happening all the time. And I'm guessing rarely happening. Yeah.
And I'm guessing there are probably more moments where he made you feel shitty feelings. Definitely. Yeah. that's the stuff that you, I think you need to focus on when you're having a hard time letting him go. So let's, let's, let's block his number and then delete his number. And then I would just not run your team. Let it go.
No, I would say you can make a, make a silly trade with someone, you know, I would just leave it. I wouldn't set your roster. I would just leave it. I would not log in again. Is that the only league that you're on in terms of whatever app you guys are running? I'm in another league. The other one's more for fun where this one was more... Is it the same app that you guys are using?
Yeah, it's the same app. I'm guessing there's a way for you to quit one of the leagues somehow. Yeah. Or just have the discipline to not look at it. Because, yeah, that's how he keeps you around, those little silly things. And you've got to stop wondering if he's wondering about you. Again, he's been using you, and you don't want him to wonder about you.
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