in today's economy, don't let people live rent free in your head... but don't ignore the patterns you notice. https://linktr.ee/thezurkieshow
Chapter 1: What does it mean to forgive but not forget?
But in that moment, I talked to my dad, and he told me, you know, James, one thing you have to remember is that when people make mistakes, you can forgive, but you don't forget. You never forget.
And his beautiful Eastern European accent, it tickled my eardrums, and I just, I have not forgotten that piece of advice. Because I still use it today. Forgive, but don't forget. It sounds counterintuitive. Don't you want to forget the bad things that happened to you? Don't you want to just get that out of your brain? Well, of course you do. Everyone does.
I don't want to sit here and harp on the bad things that have happened to me. I mean, what's the point? There's so much more to do. There are so many better uses of my time. I can spend that time being in love with the things that I do on a daily basis, spending that energy with people that I like. But there is something to be said about remembering. You have to remember the bad.
I've learned that in the moments that I felt the most wrong was done to me, I couldn't forget it because I didn't want it to happen again. And this is a very common problem. I'm sure everyone has a friend who continuously gets in a terrible relationship with a partner that just does not care about them. And every time you try to tell them, girl, bro, they're not good for you.
And they keep going back. That is because They have done the first part. They have forgiven the past person or in a lot of cases, they don't even do that. They're still hung up on their ex because the amount of people that are hung up on their ex in this generation is insane. But they forget. They forget. They move on. Kind of. They don't fully move on.
I think that they pretend that they move on, but they just look for the next fix. The next person that is going to give them that satisfaction of being with somebody, even though they don't like them. I don't think this is right. I don't think this is right. If you want somebody who is going to love you for you and who's going to be a genuine partner, wouldn't you want to remember them?
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Chapter 2: How can past relationships shape future ones?
The ones that were not it. Like, yo, that was not it. You'd want to remember. You don't want to keep making the same mistake and expecting different results. It's not how it works. Going back to what my dad told me, I really kept that close to me.
And in the future, even if I could implement it a little bit, even if I could, you know, go back and reference a past relationship and be like, this is a pattern I've seen before. I found that in my personal life, in my friendships, in my relationships, I was able to sniff out the BS way quicker. I was able to see, this person doesn't really care. This person has lost feelings for me.
This person, they're kind of narcissistic. And I don't really know if this is going to be a good fit. But that's because I forgave. I forgave the person. But I didn't forget what had happened to me. And forgiveness, it's hard. It's hard. The truth about forgiveness is that you will be wronged by a lot of people in your life that will never, they'll never apologize. They won't.
Part of that is because in their minds, they didn't do anything wrong. In their minds, they were absolutely right all of the time. They don't see both sides like Chanel. They only see their side and their side can't do any wrong. But there's also people that genuinely didn't know they hurt you. They had no idea.
Chapter 3: Why is closure important in relationships?
And that's why it's really important sometimes to just get closure in a relationship or in a friendship. A phone call, a text message is better than just no contact forever. Because you can ghost somebody, but that ghost will forever haunt you. Until you kind of, you know, you address it and you're like, hey, like, we need to talk. And we need to just figure it out.
Now, will that work for every single relationship? No. There are some cases where, you know what, you're probably off better not talking. Because there's nothing to be seen. It's two different perspectives and those two perspectives are so polar opposite, you won't find any common ground. That's a part of life too. But...
when we look back at all the times that something decrepit, something really bad happened to us, why would we hold on to it? Why would we emotionally let it live rent-free in our heads? Why? It's 2025. That thing should be paying 1200 a month plus utilities to live in this brain. So forgive it, forgive it.
Even if it wasn't your fault, even if it was something that you had no control over, you were the best in the relationship. All of your friends told you, dude, you were a star. You loved this person and they still did you wrong because of their own insecurities, because of their own character. Forgive. Forgive. Don't forget. But it's hard. Forgiveness is not easy. It's a process.
You can't just be like, yeah, I forgive them. No.
It is something that takes deliberate time. It is something that you have to live through
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Chapter 4: How can we stop letting past experiences live rent-free in our heads?
Chapter 5: What role does vulnerability play in relationships?
And it's painful when you show somebody every side of you. You're vulnerable to them. You tell them things you would never tell anybody else. And they take all of it and use it against you, weaponize it against you. Why would you trust anyone ever again? You wouldn't. I used to think that all you needed to do to get over somebody was forgive and forget. Just move on.
Say that it happened and c'est la vie. Life goes on. But I remember a conversation I had with my father. It was after I had had like a relationship for two months in like middle school. And I was cheated on, which is like, how do you, anyways, it just, it happened and it was weird and I don't know.
But in that moment, I talked to my dad, and he told me, you know, James, one thing you have to remember is that when people make mistakes, you can forgive, but you don't forget. You never forget.
And his beautiful Eastern European accent, it tickled my eardrums, and I just, I have not forgotten that piece of advice. Because I still use it today. Forgive, but don't forget. It sounds counterintuitive. Don't you want to forget the bad things that happened to you? Don't you want to just get that out of your brain? Well, of course you do. Everyone does.
I don't want to sit here and harp on the bad things that have happened to me. I mean, what's the point? There's so much more to do. There are so many better uses of my time. I can spend that time being in love with the things that I do on a daily basis, spending that energy with people that I like. But there is something to be said about remembering. You have to remember the bad.
I've learned that in the moments that I felt the most wrong was done to me, I couldn't forget it because I didn't want it to happen again. And this is a very common problem. I'm sure everyone has a friend who continuously gets in a terrible relationship with a partner that just does not care about them. And every time you try to tell them, girl, bro, they're not good for you.
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Chapter 6: How do patterns in relationships affect our choices?
And they keep going back. That is because They have done the first part. They have forgiven the past person or in a lot of cases, they don't even do that. They're still hung up on their ex because the amount of people that are hung up on their ex in this generation is insane. But they forget. They forget. They move on. Kind of. They don't fully move on.
I think that they pretend that they move on, but they just look for the next fix. The next person that is going to give them that satisfaction of being with somebody, even though they don't like them. I don't think this is right. I don't think this is right. If you want somebody who is going to love you for you and who's going to be a genuine partner, wouldn't you want to remember them?
The ones that were not it. Like, yo, that was not it. You'd want to remember. You don't want to keep making the same mistake and expecting different results. It's not how it works. Going back to what my dad told me, I really kept that close to me.
And in the future, even if I could implement it a little bit, even if I could, you know, go back and reference a past relationship and be like, this is a pattern I've seen before. I found that in my personal life, in my friendships, in my relationships, I was able to sniff out the BS way quicker. I was able to see, this person doesn't really care. This person has lost feelings for me.
This person, they're kind of narcissistic. And I don't really know if this is going to be a good fit. But that's because I forgave. I forgave the person. But I didn't forget what had happened to me. And forgiveness, it's hard. It's hard. The truth about forgiveness is that you will be wronged by a lot of people in your life that will never, they'll never apologize. They won't.
Part of that is because in their minds, they didn't do anything wrong. In their minds, they were absolutely right all of the time. They don't see both sides like Chanel. They only see their side and their side can't do any wrong. But there's also people that genuinely didn't know they hurt you. They had no idea.
And that's why it's really important sometimes to just get closure in a relationship or in a friendship. A phone call, a text message is better than just no contact forever. Because you can ghost somebody, but that ghost will forever haunt you. Until you kind of, you know, you address it and you're like, hey, like, we need to talk. And we need to just figure it out.
Now, will that work for every single relationship? No. There are some cases where, you know what, you're probably off better not talking. Because there's nothing to be seen. It's two different perspectives and those two perspectives are so polar opposite, you won't find any common ground. That's a part of life too. But...
when we look back at all the times that something decrepit, something really bad happened to us, why would we hold on to it? Why would we emotionally let it live rent-free in our heads? Why? It's 2025. That thing should be paying 1200 a month plus utilities to live in this brain. So forgive it, forgive it.
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