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Chapter 1: What is Valor Recovery and its focus on porn addiction?
Today's guest is a certified coach and a founder of Valor Recovery. It's a recovery program that focuses on porn addiction, pornography addiction, intimacy disorders, commitment disorders, a whole gamut of stuff in there. There's a lot of things when it He and I have known each other for years. He's a dear friend of mine. He's been a mentor. He's been a guide. And at times, he's been a hero.
I'll say that. This episode isn't really for children. If you have children maybe in the backseat or something, you know, I mean, it's not graphic, but it's just, I don't know. Just, you know, I hope this episode reaches who it reaches. I would like to say that. I had a great chat today with my guest and friend, Mr. Steve Waltz. Thank you, brother. Thanks for coming. I love you.
Yeah, I love you too, bro. Been a long time in on you. I know. It has been a long time, man. For some of you guys who don't know, today's guest is my friend Steve Wolt, who started a program called Valor Recovery, and it's a recovery program for men who have suffered with pornography addiction. Is that pretty much the safe way to say it, Steve? That's a good way to say it. Okay, cool.
And thank you so much, dude. I love the work that you do. Thank you for like... You know, you've been a guiding light in my life and just a partner in crime and, you know, in positive crime. And, yeah, I just want to, like, we met in recovery rooms, right? Yeah. A long time ago. Yeah. We met above the bank over there. We were going to recovery rooms in the Palisades. Yeah.
I didn't suffer from porn addiction, but I did. I have dealt with that, like, parts of that. And I have, like, yeah. you know, had like intimacy disorder, like commitment issues, that sort of thing, you know, which those meetings cover all of that. Your recovery started with drugs and alcohols?
It did. I mean, I was one of those kind of men that kind of struggled with a lot of stuff. But, you know, as you look back, I definitely think pornography was the culprit.
Really?
Yeah, I do. You know, I think pornography was this kind of gateway drug that led me to a lot of dark places.
Yeah, I'd love to hear your experience, strength, and hope today. Just take us kind of on your journey. This is what people do in meetings a lot. They'll share their experience, strength, and hope, and your journey with like intimacy, sex addiction, pornography addiction, et cetera. Is that okay?
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Chapter 2: How does Steven Wolt describe his personal connection to porn addiction?
Yeah, 100%.
I can kind of relate a little bit what you're talking about. Like there's something else with it that feels very addictive.
You know, there's a euphoria to it. That's what I'm saying. I mean, it works just like a drug for me. That anxiety I felt, that kind of loneliness that was so profound vanished when I watched porn. So I watched porn to really numb difficult emotions. And it worked. It worked really, really well.
And were you using it like, I mean, were you just kind of like using it once a day or was there an actual like heavy use of it or it was just like this outlet that you knew that was there?
You know, it started off as an outlet, but then things started to change. You know, this was long before we had cell phones that had pornography. So this was on a laptop in my home. And what I noticed was this progression, right? I started watching porn for longer lengths of time with more frequency. I kind of needed porn.
You know, there were nights I'd be watching porn throughout most of the evening. What? A hundred, I'd go for hours. Wow. And you know, I'd wake up or like come to in the morning, like disgusted with myself. Oh yeah. Disgusted, I'm never doing this again. I would actually have multiple times, I would get the laptop and I would throw it down the garbage chute on the 32nd floor in absolute disgust.
A few days later, I'd be back in the computer store telling this poor guy, yeah, I have a growing business and we need more technology. Literally, I know I was throwing my computer away because I couldn't stop watching porn on it.
I was like, dude, too bad they don't have an Olympic event for guys who are sick of watching porn on their laptops. That would be so much further than discus, I think, you know? But dude, that's crazy. Imagine like some guy is just like some little R2D2 human and there is like, what, another one? Another one. Steve's got a very successful business. He's hiring. He needs computers.
Oh dude, that's so crazy, dude. I do remember like when I was a kid, is it okay if I interject? Yeah, please. Yeah. Um, and just to share, man, like I, I remember like, uh, When I was a kid, some fella had pornos at his house. He had magazines. And somebody had chiseled some tits into a tree near our home and stuff like that.
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Chapter 3: What are the psychological effects of porn addiction discussed?
And we had that when I was young. And people would show up to that like it was some mahogany chest mecca or something. People would make the pilgrimage to see that in the woods. That's hot. Yeah, it's hot. But at one point, I had a buddy and his dad had some porno magazines. And dude, I remember once I'd seen those, I would bike across town on the weekends to go and to go to their home.
And I would kind of loiter around the house until there was an opportunity to go see them. And one weekend I even broke into their like broke into a window. I didn't break the glass. That's crazy. But I did. That would have been too much. You would have crossed the line. But I snuck in to, and I didn't realize it at the time. It was just like, I didn't even realize that I was doing it.
But when I later looked back at it, it was like, oh, it just like, there was something, there was a comforting thing or there was like this addiction that started. Anyway, go on, man. So you had taken these computers in.
Yeah. And, you know, it was just a sign that, yeah, I was really struggling with this. I couldn't stop. And, you know, there was such a progression to this, you know, even like taking more risk on where I'd watch porn, I'd watch it in the office on my work computer, which is kind of insane when you think about it. And, you know, I start watching different types of porn
categories I didn't even know existed, right? You go down the left-hand side of that porn category after category after category. And for me, I started gravitating towards like fetish porn and then eventually porn outside of my sexual orientation. And I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know why this was so intoxicating and why I couldn't stop.
And the problem was wrong with that type of porn. But for me, it brought up so much shame. And that shame was so debilitating in my life. And so it was really a painful experience. You know, this was a long time ago. So there wasn't information around that. There wasn't a place to go and talk about this stuff. So, you know, I just had this kind of really horrible feeling.
I was engaging in a behavior that didn't feel like it was in alignment with my values and I was suffering.
man i'm sorry to hear i'm sorry to hear that man i know that we've we've talked about this kind of a lot and and i've heard you share before and but anytime somebody says that they're that like they feel a lot of shame like it just really resonates with me man you know i felt a lot of that in my life is just shame for different things you know um it's so powerful and you can't stop and you said this sounds like a long time ago man i've had friends that i've talked to this week yeah that it's the same it's the same story
um yeah man i can relate to like looking at pornography and the just the shade the horror you feel after but then you still need something at uh but then like it kind of wears off or you get out of that shame and then you're again or looking for something that'll kind of give you a feeling something makes me feel good about myself or i'm not having i'm not dating well or i'm afraid of women anything whatever's going on and then you find yourself back there
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Chapter 4: How does porn consumption affect relationships and intimacy?
So I was so lucky to have such good people in my life. And I had to fight for my recovery. Wasn't easy. It was not easy. I had to fight and fight and fight. But I'll tell you what, I never gave up. And I live a pretty incredible life today. Yeah. You know, I'm married to a woman. I absolutely adore my wife, Jennifer.
best thing that's ever happened to me she's an incredible incredible human being amen and has made me such a healthier better man i am so blessed for her and we had our son theo almost a year ago we started a family and all byproducts of recovery and so i'm a huge believer
power of recovery the benefits of men getting into recovery especially as it relates to sexual compulsivity and porn abuse you know when you think about my recovery journey right i think about it kind of in three stages Healthy intimacy, healthy sexuality, and healthy masculinity. Healthy intimacy. First person I had to have an intimate relationship with is myself.
I had to get more comfortable with Steve. I had to stop running and numbing. I had to learn to sit with discomfort. I had to learn to really identify the root causes that were driving these compulsions. Because porn was not my problem. Steve was my problem.
Wow. Yeah, man. Getting to know yourself. Did you feel like yourself was like your like self was like hidden kind of or that yourself had never developed? Does that make any sense?
Yeah, I think probably both. All I know is I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. You know, I suffered with anxiety. I suffered with depression. I didn't feel good about myself as a man. I had such trouble being in relationships, experiencing love. And I was so disconnected, not only from myself, but from others. And it kind of made sense why I abused pornography. I was just really unhappy.
You know, and that's, you know, the thing that I've learned over the years is that recovery is not about stopping a behavior. Recovery is about building a life you don't need to escape from.
Were you able to notice some of the things that you felt like you were escaping from that you felt like were kind of sending you in that direction?
Yeah. And I was kind of emotionally unstable. And so part of recovery is being able to regulate your own emotions. Part of people think that recovery looks like this. It doesn't. It looks like a chart of the Dow Jones. And so what I end up doing in recovery is just kind of softening the peaks and valleys so that I could exist in life and not have to numb the pain.
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Chapter 5: What are the signs of recovery from porn addiction?
You're missing life. And so when you guys get into recovery, dude, you see this all the time. They start coaching flag football teams and loving it. They're able to show up in their lives and be present. They're better fathers. They're better husbands. They're emotionally regulated.
Yeah, they're not involved. It's almost like porn is like your wiener playing video games. That's interesting. It's not real. If you walked into a room every day and your wiener was playing a video game, at some point you'd be like... turn it off and get the fuck up and go outside. You know what I'm saying?
Chapter 6: How can personal stories illustrate the impact of recovery?
Like you would tell, you'd want your mate. It depends on what video game. That's a good point. If it's Castlevania or something, yeah. But I'm just saying like, anyway, I don't know what I'm saying. That's one thing I noticed in meetings that I've been in when people share and people start to get better, they start to say, man,
Today, I had the desire to spend time with my kids, to engage, to go outside and do this with my daughter, to flirt with my wife in the kitchen. I walk in the house, and there's a look on my face that I'm excited to see this person that loves me. Just little things like that that I've heard guys share in meetings that just let me know that recovery is real.
And the joy of living.
Yeah, what have you seen recovery look like for people? Like, what are some testimonials that you've experienced in the rooms? Yeah. And even through Valor.
Yeah, and so lots of good stuff. Let me think of a few good ones that might be Well, I'll share a story. One of our first clients, 62-year-old man, been abusing porn for about 40 years, a long time. And by the time he got to Valor, he was six years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, but he was in so much pain.
He had not been divorced for 10 years, had not had sex in 10 years, and was so full of shame. And when I first met with him, you know, I would try to like get some goals.
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Chapter 7: What challenges do younger men face with porn addiction?
Like, what do you want to try to accomplish here? And I said, I want to stop watching porn. I said, awesome. We're going to help you do that. What else? Tell me what to play with. And he just couldn't get there. Just make something up. Tell me a long-term goal. If you had like a genie in a bottle, you had a wish, give me something. I'll never forget what he said.
He said, you know something, Steve, for as long as I can remember now, on Sundays I go grocery shopping by myself for the week. And I see families shopping and couples shopping and it's so lonely. He goes, one day I'd like to go shopping with a girl I'm dating. I said, okay. You know, about eight months later, that guy sent me a shot of him and his girlfriend grocery shopping.
And I remember telling my wife this story and just crying. And she's like, what's coming up for you? And she can't really understand because two things.
Chapter 8: How can one begin the journey of recovery from porn addiction?
I know that pain of loneliness and I know how good it feels to be free of it.
Wow.
Great story. Love that story on what's on offer here.
That's what's on offer here, huh?
Yeah, the joys of living, finding love. Another great story. You hear this with consistency, you know. I get a phone call with a guy that's maybe sober six, nine months. This one guy in particular, and he says, Steve, you know, last night I was on the couch staring at my wife. and it's like I'm seeing her for the first time and I can't believe how pretty she is.
Like to me, hearing that brings me so much joy when you kind of, that fog lifts, that porn-induced shame-based fog lifts and you can actually see life in color versus black and white. What a gift, you know? Yeah, man. And then you see guys that get time. This is what drives me wild. They get time, they get six months, nine months, a year away from pornography and wild stuff starts happening.
They go back to grad school. They launch a new business. They get a big raise. Like, what the hell has that got to do with you not watching porn? Yeah. It answers everything. Because what's happening now is you're transcending the shame that's keeping your life small. You always hear, like, a guy all of a sudden, a guy lacks confidence in himself. He's so full of shame, lives a double life.
He walks into a restaurant, can never actually make eye contact with that woman at the bar. He maybe looks over, puts his head down, and walks to his table. He's now nine months sober, right? He makes eye contact, walks over and introduces himself. And they're now engaged. Let's go. These are the stories of recovery. Didn't mention anything about not watching porn.
Not watching porn is just the point of entry. Learning how to live a life that you don't need to escape from is what recovery is all about. Recovery is about learning how to experience the joys of love and connection. So one simple question I tell guys all the time, it's real simple. It's real simple. Is your porn use bringing you closer to or further away from the man you want to be?
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