The Science of Disagreeing Well

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Up First from NPR 17 min 9 speakers 7 chapters transcribed
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What is the context of disagreement in America?

Ayesha Roscoe 0:01
I'm Aisha Roscoe, and this is a Sunday story from Up First. Every Sunday, we do something special. We go beyond the news of the day to bring you one big story. Now, I don't need to tell you that there is a lot of disagreement in this country at the moment. Donald Trump has been elected as the 47th president. A lot of people are elated. A lot of people are upset.

How can families manage political disagreements during holidays?

Ayesha Roscoe 0:32
And soon, a lot of people who disagree will be sitting across from each other at the holiday dinner table. We've dealt with a fair share of disagreements in my own family. I won't go into all, you know, the bloody details, but generally someone will start talking and then I will realize that they're wrong. And I start delivering the facts. My brother likes to argue. So whether he really believes it or not, he'll start being contrarian. And, you know, other members of the family, aunts and uncles, they'll jump in and they'll have their opinions. And it'll all be going well. We'll be all loud and stuff. And then it'll go too far. And I don't know if anybody else has this. I should stop, you know, arguing the point.
Ayesha Roscoe 1:30
But there's a part of me that goes, keep going, keep talking because I'm right. And sometimes when you get that last word in, that's what ends up tipping just a disagreement into an all out emotional fight and tears are flowing and things like that. And that's what you don't want. But one thing I've always felt in all my kind of arguing my points and trying to get the last word is I have never really been able to convince anyone that of my rightness and i do wonder like why why is it so hard to convince people of things to persuade people and and is there maybe another way that i should be approaching these conversations Which is why I wanted to share this episode from NPR's science podcast, Shortwave. Turns out, they've been asking basically the same thing.

What insights can science provide about managing conflict?

Rachel Carlson 2:31
I wanted to know, what does science have to say about how to manage conflict well, political or otherwise?
Ayesha Roscoe 2:37
That's producer Rachel Carlson in an episode hosted by Emily Kwong. This week, NPR is exploring America's divisions and sharing stories about people who are trying to bridge their divides. So today we're following Rachel on her scientific pursuit of this question.
Rachel Carlson 2:58
And that's how I ended up talking to two people who've been disagreeing with each other for almost 45 years. Jeannie Safer is a psychoanalyst, she's liberal, and she's married to Richard Bruckheiser, a conservative Republican who works for the National Review.

How can couples with differing political views maintain their relationship?

Richard Bruckheiser 3:13
And he's adorable, so he's like 92 feet tall.
Rachel Carlson 3:16
I asked them how they met.
Jeannie Safer 3:18
We met in a singing group. So that was good because we shared an interest that was not political.
Richard Bruckheiser 3:24
It was very important, actually. It was also an unusual singing group. Because it was Renaissance religious music, not for religious purposes, but for singing purposes. 1977.
Jeannie Safer 3:36
Yeah.
Emily Fang 3:39
You know, they say singing like syncopates your heartbeats. So maybe that worked out in bringing them together.
Rachel Carlson 3:44
It's the Renaissance music. Absolutely. And they told me they sang with this group for like six hours every single week. So they were spending so much time together. They eventually got married. And when they first got married, they talked through and ultimately disagreed on a lot of things. They said there have only been a few times where they voted for the same people. And over time, they've set some boundaries with each other.
Jeannie Safer 4:08
The thing we could not talk about really was abortion. We both had strong opinions that were opposite. And so we realized we can't talk about this. So we didn't. We won't. Then you also figure out ways that you can talk about other stuff.
Rachel Carlson 4:27
This was so striking to me, Emily. Like, they're really reflective about each other's opinions and about each other as people in general.
Richard Bruckheiser 4:34
It really opens your mind to think that somebody that you disagree with takes care of you, helps you, is there for you. It was really a revelation to me, actually. how much that means.
Jeannie Safer 4:51
Well, and not just me. I mean, you've got colleagues of mine that you like, and I met your mentor who was a communist, but he was a good boss. He treated you very well. He was a wonderful boss. Wonderful.

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