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Chapter 1: What is intrafamilial child torture?
My name is Liliana, and today I'm going to be talking about my intrafamilial child torture and how my parents isolated, tortured, and sexually abused me until I was mute as a child, agoraphobic as a teenager, and a young adult. And I just want to talk about what occurred, how it affected me as I grew up, and my experience pursuing legal justice against my abuser.
So first, I would like to say, to answer the question of why I'm here and why I'm doing this, first and foremost, I feel it's important because if I was a child and I had seen somebody talking about this kind of experience, it probably would have changed the trajectory of my life. So I think if there's somebody out there going through something similar, I could provide some kind of
You know, my experience with it. And also, too, I would like to kind of give advice on what it's like to uphold boundaries and stuff. Like after you go through something like this, advocating for yourself can be kind of difficult. And it's something I personally struggled with and still struggle with. So I could also give advice on that.
And just generally like therapy, the world of psychology, I'm really familiar with. Also, I personally, I've never really had issues talking about this stuff. And I've been fortunate enough that Miss Dev here has been so kind as to share her bigger microphone with me, this bigger platform, so I can reach more people. And of course, there are selfish reasons too.
You know, I do wish that I could get on a microphone big enough to share this with the whole world. And in a way, I feel like a lot of, especially the sexual abuse, like my mother wasn't aware of it. So I feel like in a way, maybe this will fill the hole of if somebody just knew what happened.
But, you know, so there is a bit of selfishness over here, I will admit, because I do want to be transparent. And there are going to be a lot of times in this story where I'm not the victim. If you're looking for a perfect victim in this story, it's not going to happen. So, and I also do just want to provide information
Every trigger warning possible, like any trigger warning you can think of, it's going to be mentioned in this story. So if you're not in a good headspace, I don't recommend listening to this story or maybe just skipping towards, you know, the end where I talk more about pursuing legal justice and stuff like that. So intrafamilial child torture.
I know you've had other guests on here to talk about it, but in case anyone doesn't know what it is, intrafamilial child torture or ICT is a mix of coercive control and severe violence against a child. So the difference between ICT and abuse is kind of like ICT changes the way that the brain develops, if that makes sense. So, for example,
If a mother continuously body shames her child, but the child is secure enough in themselves to not really let that bother them, that is abuse. But if that same scenario happens and the child grows up with eating disorders and body dysmorphia and stuff like that, that would be ICT because it changed the way that their brain works.
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Chapter 2: How does childhood torture affect development?
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Were they still in the Air Force, both of them, at this time, after they had you?
I was born on an Air Force base, actually. So as far as I know, yeah. Maybe I think after I was born, she got time off to stay and take care of me, I guess.
Yeah.
I'm not sure, actually. I don't think she...
um finished I don't know if there's like certain training you have to do I don't think she ever actually like made it to the stuff she wanted to do I guess um and and then my dad I'm not sure just because I don't really know him that well but they were on and get off again and my my mom ends up pregnant with T and they decide they want to break up and my dad wanted according to him because like I said I was a baby I don't know but this is just what I've been told
He wanted custody of me and my mom threatened to miscarry T if he took me. And so he just backed off. And yeah, so she took me, she took T and moved to, I'm not sure where they were living together, but for most of my life, I've lived in Indiana. So we were living in Indiana.
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Chapter 3: Why do abuse victims stay silent?
But She would like bring somebody around. We would call them dad because it's just like that's we like we're used to it. But yeah, so I would go around telling people, you know, daddy's, you know, dragging my mommy around by her hair and stuff like that. And just like nobody was ever doing anything. But yeah, so my mom can pick them. My next memory is...
being in a pool so when I was a baby or like a toddler I apparently really loved like swimming quote-unquote swimming which is just my mom holding me in the water and stuff and and I loved it so you know being in the bath she'd run me a deep bath take me to the pool and and you know let me swim around there and this this memory that I have I'm about two years old she said because I did tell her I remembered this and she was like you were probably like not even two when that happened but
I remember I was sitting on one of those floaty, like a mattress lounge thing, sitting there and my mom was in front of me and I'm leaning forward and I'm splashing around in the water. And she's like, I need to go inside real quick. She has her her fuck ass boyfriend. Like, sorry, I cuss like a sailor. I'm so sorry. You're fine. I'm gonna try to keep it minimal.
But she's like, I need to go inside. She she tells her boyfriend. That, you know, keep an eye on her. I'll be right back. So she leaves. She leaves me. Boyfriend's standing there. I'm leaning forward to splash in the water and I fall in. And I remember just sinking straight to the bottom and looking at the walls of the pool.
And just like, I don't know, just like instinctively babies don't like, I guess they hold their breath automatically. But I do remember like just sinking to the bottom. and looking at his legs in the water, and he was just standing there not doing anything. He didn't do anything. He just left me. And then I lost consciousness. The next memory I have is waking up on the couch all alone.
And I brought this up to my mom. Like, I would think I was in my 20s. Like, in my 20s. This was pretty recently. And she knew that he did that, and she also knew that it was because of my skin color that he did that. This white man Just like he hated me. She told me that he would always say I was dirty, that I would make people sick if they touched me and stuff like that.
I don't know how you can be with somebody who talks about your two-year-old like that. Like, hello? But anyway, so I received no medical care, which is odd because I've worked in child care for a few years now. I know quite a lot about children, their brains, and how they develop.
And even if I was fully conscious, awake, and talking when she pulled me out of the pool, drowning can still happen even hours later. So you need to take the child to the hospital regardless. But the fact that I'm unconscious and you fish me out and just leave me on the couch... Hello? Is anyone home? What's going on? So, but yeah, she stayed with this man.
And I don't know if it's the same man or if it was a different racist man. I'm inclined to believe it's the same man because just the way that he spoke about me. But she stayed with him and they had another child and that would be my sibling. We'll call her Em. And we're all two years apart. So she's four years younger than me, two years younger than Tee. And she had two white parents, obviously.
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Chapter 4: What are common signs of grooming in abusive relationships?
Okay. So this man marries my mom and then he becomes my dad. He's in the house all the time and he's just my dad and that's fine. But very quickly, my life kind of went into the toilet because this man and my mom really bonded over how much they enjoyed terrorizing their children. And by that, I mean like They found it really fun to scare us, make us cry, just all kinds of weird shit.
So I'll give some examples. Probably the first bad thing I remember them doing to me was when... So I was first child, first granddaughter, first great-granddaughter. Like, I was... you know, very much the baby of the family. Everybody was very gentle with me. And since birth, I've always been a sensitive child. I still am sensitive. It's very easy to make me cry.
It's very easy to hurt my feelings. It's easy to scare me. It doesn't take a lot. And my parents definitely enjoyed abusing that. So I was used to everybody being gentle with me. And this man who is just overly rough with me came into my life. So there was a day where He was like holding me and swinging me around the way that you do with kids.
And everything was fine, except he then flipped me so that I was upside down. I didn't like that. Nobody had ever done that to me. Mind you, I'm four years old. Like, I'm scared. So I'm crying and he and my mom find it so hilarious that I'm scared.
So then he starts swinging me like closer to furniture so that my head gets closer to the furniture, closer to the floor, like bobbing me on the floor and stuff. And it's so funny that my mom gets, you know, those cameras back in the day where you had to wind up the thing and make that noise and it has the film. You got to take it to the store and get it developed.
Had those, was taking pictures of it. And she still has them, like in a photo album. She looks back on them like it's so funny. My horrible crying grimace that I have on my face. And... It's a fun memory for them, and what I remember is being terrified and you guys laughing. All I can hear in my ears is laughter. It was traumatizing.
Like, I get, like, I wasn't hurt, but at the same time, it's not hard to see why a child would be scared of that. Another thing that they would do is they would tell me lies to scare me. One example was there was a day, again, four years old. Can't stress that enough. Like... They pulled me into the dining room and they gave me this slice of chocolate cake. And they sat down at the table with me.
And I was four years old again. So I didn't notice anything wrong. But now that I look back, it's kind of weird because they usually... The kids had to sit at the table and eat, but they would eat their food watching TV. So the fact that they sat down at the table, they were up to something. But they gave me this plate of chocolate cake. And it's like...
I don't know if you've seen the movie Matilda. That chocolate cake is scrumptious, right? And I sit there and I eat the whole thing. And I'm like, wow, that was so good. They're like, yeah, did you like that? Was that good? I was like, yeah. They were like, yeah, you actually just ate an entire plate of shit. We just gave you a plate of shit and you just ate all of it and said it was good.
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Chapter 5: What experiences led to her feelings of isolation and fear?
But at school, it's like I would just go, say I'm here for my inhaler, they would hand it over, no problem. And I wish that I could make the connection, like my parents aren't treating me right, but instead it was always like, I guess I don't need it because I can ask, whatever. But it was hard, like, you know, running and jumping and stuff like that. It was... I still kind of struggle with it.
Like, especially like trampolines, like trigger it so bad. I don't know what it is, but I cannot catch my breath on those. But yeah. So, and I remember going around and telling everybody I have smoke in my lungs. Cause I felt like, I felt like I had a superpower or something like I could breathe fire or something. I was like, the doctor said I have smoke in my lungs.
And my teacher was like, that's concerning. You know, again, the, the physical abuse and the sexual abuse is still continuing. It's, it's all still going on. So yeah. Yeah, it's still going on. There was also a pajama day at school, so I was like, I want to wear my pajamas to school.
And my stepdad was like, no, you're not going to participate in pajama day because I don't want anybody to see you like that. I'm like... See me like what? But it was for, we were going to watch Polar Express and get hot chocolate and we could all wear our pajamas. And I was like, everybody's doing it. So I want to do it. And I don't care if he told me no.
So for the first time in my life, I like kind of rebelled. I put my pajamas on under my clothes and then took my clothes off when I got to school. And I was wearing like a long sleeve pink shirt and it had this little cheetah on it. And then the pants were cheetah print pants. And I had a good time. But then I was stupid and completely forgot to put my clothes back on.
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Chapter 6: How did her relationship with her siblings impact her actions?
So when I got home, I got, yeah, beaten for participating in pajama day because he sexualizes my pajamas. I'm like, that's not my problem, but whatever. Also, this one's really weird, but he forced me to get my ears pierced. Like, I was turning eight, and he wanted me to get my ears pierced for my eighth birthday. And I was like, I don't want my ears pierced. Like, it's just not something I want.
And he was like, no, I think it's because you're a sissy. Like, that's another thing. Like, my parents hated sensitivity and crying. They would say I'm a sissy, I'm a crybaby. My mom has told me once that she would rather be poor than be a crybaby. I'm like... okay, you're a weirdo. Like, I don't know. So it was just like, I hated it. And it was, it was relentless.
Like anytime I said anything, they would just be like, yeah, it's because you're a sissy and stuff like that. Just straight bullying me. Like I'm, I'm a child. Hello. But yeah. So eventually I was like, just take me to get my ears pierced. Like, please, please. Because that's the thing. Like they would always just, just push me to the point to where I was just like, just do whatever you want.
Truly. Like, I'm just so sick. So I went and got my ears pierced. I didn't cry or anything. I did kind of like flinch.
Chapter 7: What coping mechanisms did she develop during her childhood?
And they had a field day with that. But it's like, I don't know what you guys want from me. Like I went and I did it and it still wasn't good enough. But then later in life when I want piercings, all of a sudden I'm not allowed to have them. How weird is that? Anyway, I also think that the school that I went to, like the staff treated me badly.
I think there was a time where I heard this girl on my bus told me a rumor about this boy. It was an inappropriate rumor. And I went and repeated the rumor to somebody else. The next day at school I got called into the principal's office and it was the boy that the rumor was about And then a couple other people. And she was like, did you say this rumor about this boy?
And I said, yeah, I did say that. Like, I'm not going to deny it. I did say that. I was like, but I heard it from somebody else. I heard it from this person. She was like, no, you made it up. I know you did. I heard it on the camera.
Chapter 8: How did she pursue justice against her abuser?
And I was like, well, I didn't. And she was like, I'll pull it up right now. The bus camera, it picks up audio. We can hear you. You made up that rumor. And I was like, no, I didn't. And It went on for like literally like 20 minutes of her just grilling me in front of these three other kids. They're all white. She's white.
And I can't help but feel it's a racism thing because I kept stressing to her like, for God's sake, just pull up the camera then. Show me because whatever. But I kept telling her, no, it was this other girl. So she calls the other girl into the office, says, did you say this about this boy? She went, no. That's it. That's the only time she asked her. Only time she asked her.
So they were dismissed. They called up my parents and told my parents. And my heart just sank into my freaking butt because I knew I was going to get my shit rocked when I got home. And I did. I came home. They called my parents. said what I did, and the rumor was inappropriate, and that made it even worse. It wasn't about the fact that I'm gossiping and lying, quote-unquote.
It's the fact that the rumor was really inappropriate. But again, it was something I heard from someone else. And so... They tell my parents, they send me home with a note that has to get signed and all kinds of stuff. And I get home, I tell my parents the same story. And they were like, do you really expect us to believe that?
They were like, you probably sat there on the bus going like, yeah, that's a good lie. I'll go with that one, huh? And I was like, I'm telling the truth, dude. Like I'm telling the fucking truth. And yeah, I got beaten pretty badly for that. Yeah, I just find it really odd that you grilled me for like 20 minutes, but you asked that other girl one time, another white girl that she brought in.
I was just internalizing so much. I felt like a freaking black hole on the inside all the time. All the time. Just something's wrong with me. I don't know why other people treat me this way, but they do. And I'm turning myself inside out. I'm praying to God. This God that I'm being told exists and is watching me all the time.
I'm asking him to just do whatever you need to do to make other people treat me nicely. If I have to sacrifice something, just tell me what it is. I just, I hated it. Or I was just like, you know, I would literally pray to just die in my sleep. Like I'm like eight years old, seven, eight years old praying to just die in my sleep because I'm so unhappy.
To cope with my emotions, like because I wasn't allowed to express anger, especially like anger, big no-no. Like I'm not even allowed to show anger in my eyes. Like, and I'll get to that. But so a lot of times if I was getting like lectured or punished for something or something, I started like,
Instead of gritting my teeth or just kind of like because they could always see it in my face if I got mad So then I started focusing my energy like more in my hands So then I would just start gripping myself and digging my my nails into myself and stuff like that And I was like wait, this was actually really effective.
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