Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald's
Episodes
376 - A Windfall
18 Sep 2025
Contributed by Lukas
After working as a personal butler to a deranged, elderly former actress, I inherit her fortune upon her untimely death and use it to procure a commun...
375 - Forgiving Satan
31 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In a follow-up to last week's episode, I question my favorite prayer hotline about why they hung up on me for asking if God and Satan could "...
374 - RIPizza, Ozzy Osbourne
26 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I would like to induct the pioneering pizza enthusiast Mr. Ozzy Osbourne into my celebrity hall of fame, but hesitate to do so on account of he worshi...
373 - McPizza Bites
19 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Our Canadian deputy journalist files a report on his country's "new" McPizza Bites, which are part of McDonald's Canada's crime-...
372 - Pool Boy
10 Jul 2025
Contributed by Lukas
After a long hiatus wherein I was evicted from my New York City apartment and hitchhiked across the United States to return to Los Angeles, I detail t...
371 - Slop
13 May 2025
Contributed by Lukas
My thoughts on the election of the latest pope are put on hold as I deal with a copyright dispute concerning the unauthorized use of my image in a You...
370 - College of Cardinals
28 Apr 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I examine Cardinal Pizzaball's potential competition in the race to become the next pope. Plus, I discuss updates on the matter of last year's...
369 - Farewell, The Pope
24 Apr 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I wish a fond farewell to Pope Francis, a.k.a. The Pope, and ruminate on the notion that his passing away might have something to do with my placing U...
368 - A Special Announcement / Notice
21 Apr 2025
Contributed by Lukas
After careful consideration of various crimes committed by the United States presidential administration, and with my role as a citizen as well as an ...
367 - Group Chat
31 Mar 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I solicit help from above in my quest to be accidentally added to a group chat discussing top secret McDonald's secrets.
366 - Adult Babies
25 Mar 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I show support for McDonald's adult-oriented menu items (like pizza) by donning a costume to purchase the new Minecraft adult Happy Meal.
365 - Facial Recognition
19 Mar 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I attempt to trick McDonald's new artificial intelligence facial recognition technology by wearing a rubber fright mask of comedian/talent judge H...
364 - Priest Chat
28 Feb 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In my pursuit to join the College of Cardinals so that I might cast a vote for a pizza-friendly pope, I chat online with a friendly priest from Priest...
363 - Pope Pizzaballa I
26 Feb 2025
Contributed by Lukas
With the current pope in ill health, I pursue the possibility of joining the College of Cardinals so that I might cast a vote for the next pope: Pope ...
362 - DOGE
20 Feb 2025
Contributed by Lukas
In an attempt to gain better access to government records regard McDonald's Pizza matters (whatever happened to it, etc.), I seek to join the Depa...
361 - Plastic Poisoning
14 Feb 2025
Contributed by Lukas
Research on Reddit.com leads me to question whether McDonald's stopped serving pizza because too many people were eating the plastic tray on which...
360 - Altoona-Style Pizza, Part 3
31 Jan 2025
Contributed by Lukas
On the conclusion of an epic 3-part saga concerning the horrific Altoona-style pizza, I share the results of my accidental plastic consumption with th...
359 - Altoona-Style Pizza, Part 2
29 Jan 2025
Contributed by Lukas
On the advice of the Kraft corporation, I contact the reference desk at my local public library to determine whether I am in bodily danger from having...
358 - Altoona-Style Pizza, Part 1
25 Jan 2025
Contributed by Lukas
I detail the shocking horror of Altoona-style pizza and suffer my own intestinal mishap in the process.
357 - New Year Predictions
31 Dec 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I contact a professional psychic to answer some questions regarding what to expect in the new year vis-à-vis the potential return of certain fast foo...
356 - Christmas 2024
25 Dec 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I lament the largely negative impact on my life of sharing a name with a health insurance CEO who was forced to pass away in an act of vigilante justi...
355 - Coincidences
10 Dec 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I explore the many disturbing coincidences between my investigative journalism program (or IJP) and the assassination of a lesser-known and, frankly, ...
354 - Emergency Live Broadcast
05 Dec 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In light of the assassination of another Brian Thompson very near my home, I go into hiding in one of New York City's most central parks and update my...
353 - Thanksgiving Turkey Giveaway
28 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
To celebrate American Thanksgiving, I plan to generously give away turkeys with cavities full of educational literature.
352 - The Deep State
26 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In an effort to broaden my outreach, I appear as a special guest on a popular conservative radio show to discuss my concerns about the deep state's co...
351 - Brain Enhancer
20 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
After a political realignment, I explore the possibility of accepting advertising dollars from a nootropics company. But a brain enhancement pill acci...
350 - Election Concern
01 Nov 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In part two of a special two-part event (and my record-breaking 350th episode), I am once again experiencing election anxiety, exactly as I did eight ...
349 - Devil Dog
30 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
On part one of a special two-part event, I have named my new dog. But concern about his love of a devilish Halloween pet costume causes me to seek spi...
348 - E. Coli
25 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I adopt a dog to aid me in my investigations. Plus, I look into a recent outbreak of E. Coli at McDonald's by mailing a laboratory a hamburger.
347 - Assembling a Uniform
01 Oct 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In preparation for my upcoming role as United States Pizza Czar, I assemble a uniform with the help of Brooks Brothers and the fine folks at Gorilla G...
346 - Moles
27 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
While investigating the ongoing case of whether Kamala Harris really worked at McDonald's, I unfortunately break a cardinal rule of journalism by ...
345 - An End to Violence
17 Sep 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I give God Ben-David one more chance to answer my prayers by pleading with Him to remove violence from the hearts of humanity before I become a major ...
344 - Resume Help
31 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I investigate reports that Kamala Harris did not, in fact, work at McDonald's. In the process, I update my resume.
343 - Journalist No More?
27 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In light of recent McDonald's-related developments in presidential politics, I consider giving up my status as a journalist to become a government lac...
342 - Vice Presidential Service
19 Aug 2024
Contributed by Lukas
While investigating reports that Vice President Kamala Harris may have worked at McDonald's, I seek valuable intelligence from another fast food chain...
341 - Mea Culpa
31 Jul 2024
Contributed by Lukas
While visiting the White House to lobby "lame duck" President Biden on passing executive action related to the McDonald's Pizza matter, I suffer an em...
340 - Neck Noodle
25 Jul 2024
Contributed by Lukas
After a Hawaiian Breeze-scented oil explosion forces me to take several baths, my fingers become so pruny that my home security is put at risk.
339 - Medical Update
12 Jul 2024
Contributed by Lukas
After last week's electrocution incident, I update the Glade Plugins medical department on my recent doctor's visit and receive some startling disinfo...
338 - Cease and Desist
01 Jul 2024
Contributed by Lukas
My award-pending investigative series Sériàlle comes to an abrupt end, when I am threatened with legal action by a major local New York newspaper.
337 - Sériàlle, Episode 5
24 Jun 2024
Contributed by Lukas
My investigation into mysterious McDonald's Pizza matters in Canada leads me to a floating McDonald's in Vancouver which once played host to a team of...
336 - Sériàlle, Episode 4
10 Jun 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I employ the expertise of film critic Jordan Hoffman to analyse the quality of "Gone in a Heartbeat", the television movie adaptation of the Whitehors...
335 - Sériàlle, Episode 3
31 May 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Notable Canadian Mr. Steven Page joins the program to enlighten listeners about the nature of those dark and troubled souls who choose to live in Whit...
334 - Sériàlle, Episode 2
24 May 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Professional treasure hunter Christian B. Roper shares startling and disturbing information about a brutal k-wording (kidnapping) that may have been c...
333 - Sériàlle, Episode 1
20 May 2024
Contributed by Lukas
On episode 1 of Sériàlle, our new serialized series about Canadian McDonald's Pizza matters, a remote town in the territory of Yukon Territory begin...
332 - Tim Horton's Pizza, Part 2
27 Apr 2024
Contributed by Lukas
At great risk to my own personal safety, I uncover exactly who manufactures the pizza ovens currently being used by Tim Horton's. And this information...
331 - Tim Horton's Pizza
24 Apr 2024
Contributed by Lukas
In the first of a mult-part series on recent pizza developments in Canada, I investigate the addition of pizza to the Tim Horton's menu.
330 - Total Eclipse of the McDonald's Parking Lot
12 Apr 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Special deputy journalist Karl (Up There in Canada) files a report from a Toronto-area McDonald's that happens to be in the 2024 total solar eclipse's...
329 - Easter Egg Hunt
31 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
On a special Easter edition of the program, my plan to spread the Good News about McDonald's Pizza via Easter egg hunt is thwarted by an agent of the ...
328 - Chicken Pizza Blessing
24 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Upon learning that Chick-fil-A is now serving pizza, I seek to discover whether it is prepared in the same way as the restaurant's standard menu items...
327 - Dumpster Diving
15 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
To make sure McDonald's Pizza does not fall victim to rising fast food costs, I test a plan to secure a cheap pizza crust supply chain by fishing them...
326 - Declining to Run
09 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
After careful consideration, I have decided not to run for president of the United States, and I contact my journalist colleagues to let them know why...
325 - Mea Culpa (My Bad)
01 Mar 2024
Contributed by Lukas
Upon further review and contact from the KFC corporation's legal team, I issue some retractions and clarifications about statements I made concerning ...
324 - Chizza
23 Feb 2024
Contributed by Lukas
As KFC is poised to introduce a monstrous chicken/pizza hybrid product called the Chizza, I arrange to care for the poor victims who may be affected.
323 - The Panzerotti
16 Feb 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I go undercover to investigate the mysterious success of McDonald's Italy's pizza-like novelty called the panzerotti.
322 - The View
09 Feb 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I tell the tale of my visit to The View and the unfortunate encounter I had with Ms. Whoopi Goldberg.
321 - Passing a Scottie
31 Jan 2024
Contributed by Lukas
On the anniversary of the publication of the second edition of my board game, I suffer a medical emergency while comparing my game to a popular compet...
320 - Pizza Polling
27 Jan 2024
Contributed by Lukas
I incorporate a new company, Panoply Polling (a wholly owned subsidiary of Pizzaply Polling), to call people on the telephone and ask their opinions o...
319 - Medical Mystifier
20 Jan 2024
Contributed by Lukas
At the risk of exposing personal details about the health of my bodily person, I reveal the reason why this episode of the program was delayed.
318 - Crust to Crust AM: CosMc's
31 Dec 2023
Contributed by Lukas
On my paranormal-themed sub-podcast Crust to Crust AM, I investigate the connection between McDonald's experimental new beverage restaurant CosMc's an...
317 - Christmastime in the City
23 Dec 2023
Contributed by Lukas
On this special Christmas edition of the program, I debut a new poem about celebrating the birthday of Christ Ben-David while living in New York City....
316 - The Internship, Part 3: The Interviews
16 Dec 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I interview one highly qualified candidate and one slightly less qualified candidate to be my new unpaid intern in charge of the McDonald's Pizza misi...
315 - The Internship, Part 2
30 Nov 2023
Contributed by Lukas
After being treated rudely by my colleagues in legacy media, I seek revenge by lodging an official complaint.
314 - The Internship, Part 1
29 Nov 2023
Contributed by Lukas
In this first of a special two-part episode(s), my search for an unpaid intern to help me cover the McDonald's Pizza misinformation "beat" ends in utt...
313 - A Postmates Thanksgiving
21 Nov 2023
Contributed by Lukas
On this day of Thanksgiving, I have trouble giving thanks to Postmates, who delivered my turkey in sub-optimal condition.
312 - World Peace
14 Nov 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I offer the United Nations my plan to end all wars if they agree to my terms re: McDonald's Pizza.
311 - Selling Sawdust
31 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
In an effort to gain leverage over the McDonald's Corporation, I endeavor to supply them with cheap sawdust for use in their hamburger patties.
310 - A Ouija Halloween
28 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
On a special Halloween edition of the program, I seek spiritual/technical support for my malfunctioning Ouija board.
309 - Taylor Swift's Ronald Costume
21 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I am forced to travel far from home to investigate whether Taylor Swift dresses as Ronald McDonald's in her new motion picture. In the process, I befr...
308 - The Art of the Golden Arches
14 Oct 2023
Contributed by Lukas
While visiting a famous painting of a woman in gold, I was surprised to discover the galerie offered no information about this painting's relation to ...
307 - Thwarting Artificial Intelligence
30 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Upon learning a certain social media mogul might want to use my book to train his artificial intelligence, I endeavor to ban him from purchasing said ...
306 - Attack of the Clones
23 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Concerned about who will inherit my investigative journalism empire, I pursue the possibility of cloning my own heir.
305 - Jerking Soda
17 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
With McDonald's removing self-serve soda machines from their dining rooms, I call upon an expert in the art of jerking soda to explore the idea of the...
304 - Hacking McFlurry Machines
01 Sep 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I am joined by my colleague, journalist Jason Koebler of 404 Media, who shares with me his reporting on the potential of hacking McDonald's McFlurry m...
303 - Loki Sauce
11 Aug 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Waning interest in superheroes means McDonald's is about to dump massive amounts of unsold Loki Season 2 branded sweet n' sour sauce into our fragile ...
302 - Moving to New York City
01 Aug 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I officially announce my relocation to New York City, a.k.a. Pizza Town, USA, and set up a briefing with one of the area's top officials: the honorabl...
301 - Returning to Panoply
29 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
With the podcasting industry in financial ruins, I reclaim the abandoned trademark for the Panoply Network and reinstate my program as one of its flag...
300 - The Mystery of the McCafe Bakery, Part 2
22 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Continuing my investigation into the disappearing items on the McCafe bakery menu, I travel to my local McDonald's to find some answers. And perhaps, ...
299 - The Mystery of the McCafe Bakery, Part 1
20 Jul 2023
Contributed by Lukas
McDonald's has pulled McCafe Bakery items from their menu. Is this history repeating itself? No, but I go undercover as a long haul truck driver to ge...
298 - Addressing the Grimace Milkshake TikTok Trend
30 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Disturbed by the recent Grimace's birthday milkshake TikTok trend's disrespect toward those who have actually passed away due to the consumption of Mc...
297 - Understanding Fan Fiction
27 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I attempt to understand a piece of McDonald's Pizza fan fiction involving characters from a popular "Japanimation" program.
296 - Green Gut Powder
22 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
In the wake of the total collapse of the podcast advertising market, I seek a sponsorship from a popular purveyor of green gut powder. But when I try ...
295 - What is a Soul?
14 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
A Silicon Valley startup using robot labor to make pizzas has shut down. Before I purchase the automotons for my own uses (bringing back McDonald's Pi...
294 - Peering Into the Future
01 Jun 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Because I have to prerecord this week's episode due to my recovery from major oral surgery, I employ the awesome powers of a psychic practitioner to h...
293 - Securing the Legacy of Willow 2
25 May 2023
Contributed by Lukas
As I prepare to undergo potentially fatal oral surgery, I arrange for my Willow 2: Through the Portal of Time documents to be displayed in one of the ...
292 - Coping with New York Times Audio
19 May 2023
Contributed by Lukas
The local New York-area newspaper called The New York Times has released a new audio application that has dire consequences for one of my elderly sub-...
291 - Ending Child Labor at McDonald's
11 May 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I reveal my plan to deincentivize child labor violations at McDonald's by teaching children the Good News about McDonald's Pizza while they are still ...
290 - Season 2 of Pizzaply Media's "Evidence File" Premieres
01 May 2023
Contributed by Lukas
In this special presentation of the season 2 premiere of Pizzaply Media's hit true crime podcast "Evidence File", the new anonymous Australian host ex...
289 - Miniature Witness Protection Program
25 Apr 2023
Contributed by Lukas
After a round of high-level corporate layoffs, I enroll all "whistle-blowing" former executives in my miniature witness protection program.
Episode 288 - Live from Boston College
06 Apr 2023
Contributed by Lukas
A special presentation of my educational lecture delivered live at Boston College (one of the Boston colleges).
Episode 287
28 Mar 2023
Contributed by Lukas
Broadcasting live from the restroom of a public bus on my way to lecture in Boston, Massachusetts, I answer listener questions about McDonald’s Pizz...
Episode 286
25 Mar 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I open the proverbial "vault" and unleash a long lost episode of the program from days of yore.
Episode 285
15 Mar 2023
Contributed by Lukas
A congressman gives me an idea for how to purchase my own McDonald's franchise using farmed hogs.
Announcing My Lecture at Boston College on 3/29
13 Mar 2023
Contributed by Lukas
An announcement of my rare, in-person live lecture at Boston College on 3/29.
Episode 284
28 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
My colleagues at NPR allow me to rebroadcast a segment from their series StoryCorps about a poor moonshiner whose life was changed forever by the tast...
Episode 283
24 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
On this emergency "breaking news" edition of the program, I investigate a bizarre request from former president Donald Trump, who visited an Ohio McDo...
Episode 282
17 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I "catch up" on developments I missed re: artificial intelligence. In the process, I use an AI chatbot to help me write a touching tale about McDonald...
Episode 281
13 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
An investigation into a new McDonald's product called the New Tuna Cheesy Pizza Bread necessitates the answering of an oft-posed question: What is a p...
Episode 280
01 Feb 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I attempt to forensically analyze an original Canadian McDonald's Pizza box I received as a gift from the editors of Funicular Magazine.
Episode 279
27 Jan 2023
Contributed by Lukas
In an attempt to circumvent some Bic's Wite-Out based redactions on a sensitive McDonald's Pizza document I obtained from the National Security Agency...
Episode 278
20 Jan 2023
Contributed by Lukas
I investigate the security implications of the McDonald's corporation sharing sensitive pizza secrets on the Tick Tock video platform.