Aaron Belisle

I had a one night stand and six weeks later she texts me saying she's pregnant. Bullshit, I wore protection. And no, I didn't put the condom on my hand to protect her from Mr. Scratchy. I knew she was lying because we only had sex once and I checked and I had a full bag of goop. I brought my condoms home with me and inspected them because you can't trust these hoes.

This lady poked holes in my condoms? I have pictures. She's a lunatic? I don't even have money. I'm just a middle class retarded guy like you. Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms and ties them up so this doesn't happen, but I can't tie and not so next time I'm using fucking lighter fluid. She thought she could outsmart me. Nah, I knew what to do. I told her cerebral palsy is hereditary.

You can't fool me, lady. That little two-handed bastard ain't mine.

Well, I sent some coat hangers in the mail and I'm just hoping for the best.

I can stand. We did it doggie style.

Was it a chihuahua? I finally realized why they call you the golden pony. You like to be on all fours getting pissed on in a horse mask. Okay.

This is a dangerous weapon. It is.

Would you want this inside of you?

The real land of garbage? The real land.

Halloween was fun. I like to scare kids. I didn't dress up or anything. I just tell them when I was a kid I didn't eat my vegetables. I was handing out onions and shit saying, if you don't want to look like me, you better eat that.

It's the hardest one to chop, too. I like to make them cry.

It's called a joke, Tony.

After my last appearance, someone invited me to a ranch that does horseback riding for special needs kids. And I thought, this is perfect. I'll help Tony find new regulars. And I started handing out flyers to the parents.

Then I realized I am just hurting myself, so I put a shock collar on the horses. Those little bastards have no grip strength at all.

I am going to Arkansas, and I have a big run in the Florida area in December. I'll be in Miami, Naples, Key West, Boca, Melbourne, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, basically everywhere with gators. Get tickets at mutecomedian.com.