Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over it, Tony! It's Red!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? And that is the best damn band in all of the land. This is the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace. How we doing tonight, huh? Make some noise for the great Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa. That is the great Charles Reid III joining us.
Matt Muehling on the electric, John Dees on the keys. And believe it or not, that's not a guy dressed up for Halloween. This is the real Dee Madness live in the flesh. What a fucking overloaded show we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. This podcast is brought to you by 420.com.
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And this episode is brought to you by 420.com. California delivered. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th.
One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com. Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I book this goddamn show myself, and I cannot believe that I was able to secure these two guests tonight. I mean, you know, sometimes we go a little off the rails with exactly who we have. Sometimes it's
You know, two of the biggest comedians on Netflix. Sometimes it's two of the biggest comedians on this and the that and the blah, blah, blah, blah. Tonight is very special. Tonight is one of the greatest actors of all time with one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guests, Sylvester Stallone and Tony Ayo. Oh, my God.
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Chapter 2: What are the details about the upcoming Kill Tony shows?
All right, what else is going on, Aaron? It's a hell of a gold chain, I gotta tell you. I don't know what fucking claw machine you got it out of, but probably your own. His left arm is a claw machine, ladies and gentlemen. If you put a quarter inside of him.
A guy got arrested at my show this weekend.
A guy got arrested at your show? Oh my goodness. Uh-oh. Oh, he's got something. He starts making that noise. You know something's coming. Here we go. He tried to fight me. Really? Wow. How did that go?
What a bitch.
Not well. Is this one of those... I hid. Oh. Okay. And somehow you came out of the fight the most fucked up. Aaron, anything else crazy going on before we get to this crazy bucket of ours where we found you? He's gonna plug a bunch of shit right now. Tickets are available at aaronbelial.com. I have 26 shows that I need to sell out this month.
I need enough money to be able to buy six more gold chains. Christmas is right around the corner. I need a Rolex. Okay, yeah. You got a lot more shows to do. He's like Stephen walking. Is that a good singer? That's a very good one, Stallone. Aaron Belial, you are the young legend. We love you here. You're always a fucking great way to start the show. And now it has begun.
We go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we give people that some of them we've never seen before. Some of them have been on before and done good. Some of them have been on before and done bad. Anything can happen. The Filipina princess in the front selected our first bucket pool tonight. And so... We're going to meet them all together and then interview this person.
The whole thing's improvised. You guys get it. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Lingo Smith, ladies and gentlemen.
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Chapter 3: How does Sylvester Stallone end up on the Kill Tony show?
Here we go. Here comes Lingo. Y'all shut the hell up. I got one minute, all right? I was talking to my homeboy the other day. I was like, man, I got an addiction. He was like, but what you mean? I said, hey, man, I love fat bitches. He was like, well, what the fuck you talking about? I said, hey, man, chill. You better go get your one.
Because why sleep on a big bitch when you can sleep on a big bitch? I like them queen size. I had one. She was about 350 pounds. The bitch was built like a linebacker. I swear to God. I loved it because she got straight to the point. One day she was fucking up a whole bucket of Popeye's fried chicken. She was just ash, ash, ash.
She said, after I finish this bucket of Popeye's fried chicken, I'm going to suck your dick, nigga. I said, oh, shit. Greasy head? Shit was magnificent. Nigga, she went down, she was sucking the thing so good, I started singing a theme song on that bitch. I was like, ooh, they got a lot of chicken from Popeye's. Shit. I mean, but the big bitch got carried away.
She thought my dick was a drumstick. She bit it for real. I said, what the fuck? Shit. Sucking dick to the gristle. Skinny bitch can never. Hey, that's all I got. You know what I'm saying? Bingo Smith. I believe every single word of what you said up here tonight. I believe that was honest material that you truly, I think you're talking about your real life.
I think you do be loving them fat bitches. What are you playing? Did she share any of the chicken with you? Were you able to resist the bucket of Popeye's chicken? Hey, we talking fried chicken. Hell yeah, you got to share that. You're damn right. You got to share that. Absolutely. Lingo, what's the biggest girl you've ever been with? Shit, I ain't even gonna lie.
She about, she about faux, about faux 50. Oh, my God. Faux 50. Faux 50, ladies and gentlemen. Faux 50. Oh, yes. I was in there. Oh, my God. Now, explain to some of these people, there's some, like, tech nerds here, there's some fucking boring white people that have never been with a faux 50 before. Can you explain to them some of the details and some of the fun facts about an adventure?
I'm going to talk to you because, brother, you look curious. I'm trying to tell you. You get a big one, it's more cushion for the pushing. You get a little skinny one, it's stabbing while you're clapping. It's bullshit. Stabbing while they clap? Take notes on that. Oh, your phone locked up. Fuck it. Phone locked up. I love it. I love it. So where do you tend to find some of these girls at, Lingo?
Are you on the dating apps or are you out on the streets? Man, you know, you can find them anywhere. You know what I'm saying? You can go out to Church's Chicken. They out there. They in the streets. Yeah. It's just different chicken places, it seems. Different chicken places. Is there a specialty? Is there an app for that? Is there an app where you could just find chicken places?
They need to be one. They need a specialized one. You know what? That's a good idea. I might fucking run. Yeah, yeah. Yep, yep. I love it. Lingo, how long you been doing stand-up comedy? Going on about three years. Going on about three. Three years. Where at? I'm from Orlando. I was okay.
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Chapter 4: What is the format for the stand-up comedy segment of the show?
I shouldn't have fucking gone with my gut there and guessed. You're from Orlando. Do you live here now or are you still in Orlando? No, I live here, man. I stay Eastfield. Nice, nice. I love it. Eastfield. Represent. Fun fact, between East Fifth and East Fourth is faux-fitty. Lingo, what do you do for a living? Well, I can't tell you that. Really? I can't tell you that.
Nigga, I just got the job. Okay. I swear to God. Can you just tell us the field that you work in? What kind of field is it? It's really complicated. I work at the opposite of Microsoft. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You know, hey, man, fuck it, man. I showed up late the other day. I work at Apple, nigga.
Yeah.
I work at Apple. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And I ain't gonna lie, I don't even know why they hide my black ass. I really, I don't know shit about tech, phones, none of that. Nigga, they be the, hey, hey, we need you to push this Apple. Nigga, I don't care. Nigga, I'm gonna push it. So you actually work in, like, the Apple store? Yeah, I be selling shit. At the mall? Yeah, Barton Creek.
Okay. Very cool. I've been there a couple times. Almost absolutely lost my fucking mind in that place. For real? Yeah. Hey, hey, I ain't going to lie. I swear to God, the other day, a group of niggas, they came in trying to steal some shit. I was like, hey, man, what the fuck? I had to stop it. I said, what the fuck y'all doing, man? Nigga, do this shit on my lunch break.
What the fuck wrong with y'all? You know what I'm saying? I love it. Yeah. I love it. Now I got the... I love it. Amazing. So in your three years of stand-up comedy, when did you move to Austin exactly? I moved September. Yeah, I moved September. I'm new as hell out here. Yeah. What have you noticed? What's different between Austin and Orlando? The fucking homeless people.
I wish somebody would have warned me about these niggas, because, like, out here, they on mega meth. Like, and they creative. Like, back in Orlando, if you got a homeless person, you tell them, like, bro, I ain't giving you a dollar. They just go on about their fucking way. Here? Bro, I swear to God, I told one, I said, hey, man, like, you know what? Matter of fact, he came up to me like DMX.
I swear to God, he sounded like DMX. He was like, hey, yo, man, you got a dollar? I was like, what the fuck? I said, here you go. Gave him a dollar.
He's like...
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Chapter 5: How did the guest meet someone interesting?
We started talking. Next thing you know, I got her information. She was like, yeah, hit me up when you come back. And I was like, all right, cool. I hit her up. We went to some, I think she was staying out in Pflugerville, I want to say.
Chapter 6: What happened during the brewery visit?
That's where they live. That's where thick-ass 65-year-olds live, isn't it? So she took me to this local brewery. Ah, did you see them there? Pflugerville with an H, I know. Yeah, that's right. That's right.
And long story short, we had a couple drinks. We kicked it off. We went back to my car.
Oh, this one right here?
What?
It was actually a bigger car. OK, what kind of car do you have? What kind of Honda Civic do you have? No. It's actually a Kia.
Shout out to the Kia boys.
Wow. Yeah.
Sportage? No, it's a Forte. Ooh.
GT. GT. Wow. You took a 65-year-old to a Forte?
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Chapter 7: What was the unexpected encounter in the parking lot?
OK. Yeah, that's all I got. And then what happened?
And then we started talking and we started hooking up. You're in the driver's seat. She's in the passenger seat.
And when you say hooking up, you mean like. Yeah, we're macking it. Right. So it's always an interesting predicament when you're in the front of a car. So who do you think was doing more of the leaning? Were you guys meeting in the dead center? You're right over the stick shift.
I kind of put my seat back a little bit.
Ah. Set the mood a little bit.
And she's taller than me. She's probably like 5'10". I'm 5'7". Yep. So I lean back a little bit. She gets on top of me a little bit. We're hooking up.
Okay, so she's the more aggressive one.
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Chapter 8: How does the conversation wrap up at the end of the episode?
Yeah, she is.
But then I'm like, fuck it. I just start pulling down my pants.
Oh, shit. Is this in the parking lot of the brewery? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right, Nino. You really do collect Hot Wheels. Yeah. Okay. So you start pulling down your pants right then and there. You got nothing to lose?
And then she puts, you know... Yeah. Yeah. She puts my dick in her hand, starts jacking me off, and then she starts giving me sloppy toppy, dude. Wow. Damn. The best way I could describe it is like, fellas, remember when you were a kid and you would go to a jacuzzi and you would put your dick inside the jet? Just... That's exactly how I felt, dude. Just hot, sloppy. It was the best.
Wow. So Flugerville. Yeah, that's amazing. You got sloppy toppy from an oldie goldie.
Yeah, hell yeah.
You got some of that fucking... Deborah, if you're seeing this, call me. I miss you.
So she finished you off right there in the parking lot? Yeah, I try not to duck quick. I probably lasted about four minutes tops.
There you go. According to a lot of the people that have been on tonight's show, you're a professional porn star. So four and a half minutes is a fucking real humdinger. That's incredible, dude. Absolutely amazing. So then what happened? After she finishes you off, do you just drop her off?
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