William Montgomery
Appearances
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
There's a new sexual identity that's becoming very popular. It's called self-partnered, but it's weird because when I was growing up, they just called that jacking off. I'm over here twerking my ass off and y'all can't even make it rain? That is the disgruntled undercover cop in an all-black club.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
This next one is a gastroenterologist about to retire, but he finds out he has one last colonoscopy to perform. Maine, I'm getting too old for this shit! Okay, I was going for Danny Glover, lethal weapon on that one. Fuck. An Air India flight had to turn around and go back to the airport because it smelled so bad in the cabin, and people were surprised by that. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Yeah, I mean, seriously, don't fuck it up. This is a big thing.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Tony! Okay, yeah. Who was that? I was going for Antonio Banderas or something like that. Oh, yeah. Tony, where's my horse, man? That wasn't as good. That's a spot on.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It's wonderful. I'm up to 80,000 meters on the row machine, Tony. I am not stopping. I'm doing it every day. I'm doing 10,000 fucking meters a day. Nobody's going to stop me doing this, Tony.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I'm feeling as strong as ever. I went to the fucking doctor last week. My blood pressure was okay. That was a giant concern for me. I thought my blood pressure would be horrible, but it was okay. What was it at? I think it was 150 over 140 or something. Is that good? That's good. That's great. That's what they told me.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Wait, hold on. So your wife's pussy is really that dry? I don't know. Are you serious?
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
It was, again, it was a lot of what I was doing. I think in high school, it's when you basically choose to just love on yourself. You don't need any fucking, you don't need any woman in your life. You don't need any man in your life. You just work on yourself. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Do you have a girlfriend? I do have a girlfriend, but I'm also self-partnering.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
So I'm working on myself, and I'm also in a good relationship. So I'm doing two things right now. Wow, it's like a threesome. Self-partnering and I have a relationship. It's like a threesome. Yeah. Self-partnering and a girlfriend. I know, because I'm working on myself right now, and I'm also in a good relationship. So yeah, it's like I'm doing two different things right now.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
What do you listen to when you row? America. America's first album, the album with Horse With No Name on it. The album's about 45 minutes long, and I row for about 42 minutes. All the songs, yeah, it's been America this past week.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I get off of the row machine and I, I curl up in a ball on the ground thinking I'm fucking dying. So I don't really listen to the last three minutes of it.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
um incredible red band has been looking for a physical outlet uh he needs to exercise would you be able to train him to row i would love to if you would be willing red band seriously i try to talk to him about this all the time about getting better but it's like you refuse to i think you've gotten too used to being sedentary at your places where you live.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
I tell people I'm 29. When I meet them, I tell everybody I'm 29.
KILL TONY
#712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS
Because you're silly, right? Yeah, oh, I love my sweet little nieces.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I feel like we should ramp up President's Day just a notch. Like we should all be forced to kneel on rugs that face the Washington Monument and pray to the gods that we elected. So the buzz in Hollywood is they're making a prequel to Cliffhanger and it stars a volcano? Because volcanoes make mountains, Cliff. Okay, let's keep moving. Fuck.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Elon Musk says that millions of people receiving social security payments are between 150 and 200 years old, with one person being 360 years old. Red band, I knew your mom was old as shit, but damn! Fuck! Germany is cracking down on hate speech. Seems a little ironic. Okay, this is my time, Tony.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Tony, I felt so bad for the mime guy. He seemed genuinely not to talk about other stuff, but that seems sad. Tell me about it. I don't know. It just seemed like he was really feeling bad. It seemed like he was really depressed. And I want to say, thank God I'm still back off of the Call of Duty camo grind. Tony, I've literally, I've been doing the row machine. Guess how many miles?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Whoa. I am doing a shit ton more. It's wonderful. I'm listening to Blues Traveler exclusively. It's been a very therapeutic thing for me, Tony.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I don't know. Well, I've looked up clubs. They have clubs here in town, so maybe one of these days.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I need to figure out the logistics. You could have your own kayak.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah. And row. Maybe I'll start doing that. We'll see. I don't know, Tony. I'm figuring it out.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's at a gym. It's at a gym. It's not at my house. Maybe if I can get out of the one-bedroom apartment. Maybe at some point it's a dream to get a rowing machine. I get in my car today, Tony, and the fucking volume doesn't work. I'm trying to listen to some Blues Traveler. I was going to listen to Hook on the way over here, and the fucking volume's busted on the fucking Volvo.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Correct. Yeah, I got the kind that you just put inside of your ear. Yeah, that would be headphones. It's a good kind to do. Tony, I swear, I don't think I've eaten enough food. I've been burning all these calories. I feel insane. I feel crazy, kind of. I had a Clif Bar on the way over here, but I don't think I've eaten enough. It's not good right now. I feel like I'm sweating. I feel...
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I cannot believe y'all still have that fucking food up there.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I cannot believe y'all still have him bringing the fucking food up there. What do you mean it got you sick? Like a year ago, it got me sick as shit. I ate one of the fucking cheeseburgers.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
No, I'm kidding. It's pretty good food. It's good. I don't know. I just didn't eat it.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
It's over by Inateck. I watched fucking... What is the office space last night? Yeah, it's right by Initech. It's very close to Initech. I took a picture outside of the building today. I did put the timer on my phone, but I'm standing right before the entrance of Initech. It looks almost the same, too, right?
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Motherfucking state champion of Tennessee. I will be honest, there weren't a lot of people in the race, but the state champion of Tennessee.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, it was wonderful. My mother and I, I don't think I've said this on here, but my mom and I met him when my mom was helping my brother move to town, and we meet Lance Armstrong up there, and my mom's talking to him, and she's like, yeah, William's dad rides a lot, not as good as you, obviously. And he looks at her, and he's like, yeah, no shit. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. It was kind of insane.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I love the guy. I still love the guy, but it was insane. Nobody was insinuating my sweet father was fucking faster than Lance Armstrong. It was insane.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Yeah, stupid white woman. Crazy thing to say. She's real racist, too. Yeah, stupid white woman.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
Well, I'm getting, nobody wants to hear this, but I'm getting back on the Aubrey and Buds because, Tony, I've been drinking protein shakes after I work out, and I've been going two and three days without shitting. So I've got to get back. But it's so weird, Tony. Everybody, again, be careful. This is really a warning. I used to love the Aubrey and Buds.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
I was eating them every day for probably a year, and then I had to stop. I overdid it. So now I'm looking at it every single morning, and I can't bring myself to open up the box. But I'm going to have to because I'm now at day two of not shitting. And I ate a bunch of food last night. Wow. Absolutely incredible.
KILL TONY
#708 - H. FOLEY + KEVIN RYAN
You should have done her laugh. That was so funny, the laugh you have.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Rocky Top, you'll always be home freedom to me. Good old Rocky Top. Rocky Top, Tennessee. Rocky Top, you'll always be home sweet home to me. Good old Rocky Top. Rocky Top did us good. Rocky Top, you'll always be home sweet home to me. Good old Rocky Top. Rocky Top, Tennessee. Nashville. Nashville, the weirdest thing happened to me today. I flew in on Delta and we did not crash.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
I'm shaking down this bullshit! Virginia Giffrey, the girl Jeffrey Epstein gave to Prince Andrew to have sex with when she was 16, got hit this week by a school bus going 80 miles per hour. And my only question is, where in the hell did Hillary Clinton find a school bus that goes 80 miles per hour? You know that bitch ain't fighting those cool boys!
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
And you know Keanu Reeves was driving that motherfucker saying, the bus can't go under 50 miles an hour! I don't know if anybody realizes this, but three out of the four coaches in the final four are Jewish. I mean, first it's Hollywood, then the banking system, now this. What's next, the right to vote? In response to the U.S.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
tariffs, Canada is imposing large tariffs on dog food and flamethrowers, which is bullshit because I'm gonna have to get a second job to pay for this shit. You know I love feeding Red Band's mom dog food. She fucking crawls around like a dog on her hands and knees and she fucking eats it off of my back, dude. And your mom can't get up there, Red Band. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. Wow.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Nashville, it is so nice. I had a horrible time in the hotel last night. I ordered two large Papa John's pizzas, and then I got an alert 30 minutes later that it was canceled, and then I ordered a bunch of White Castle, and I ate the White Castle, Tony, and then about 30 minutes later, I get a text message, and it's my pizza at the front desk. What did you do?
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Ended up eating the two pizzas after the White Castle, so... Nashville, you're gonna make my ass fat up here!
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
I know, but oh my gosh, it's so nice to be back in Tennessee. It really is.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Well, I was, excuse me, Tony, I was a Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Tennessee, and Tony, one of my fondest memories of the first time I foot a ton of funnel in my asshole, the first time I butt chugged, Tony, that happened up in Knoxville, Tennessee, about three hours away, so it really is so nice. I ended up... Wow. Ended up getting raped a couple times that night.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Well, I think people in this audience might like to know I lost my virginity right outside of Sevierville, Tennessee! Oh, yeah! I was putting it in the first time right outside of Dollywood! But yeah, so that's a good memory. Did that. Got a couple of staph infections in my butt. Wow.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
I started doing the row machine a whole bunch. I've done 500, I've done 500,000 meters since January. And I got on the... The eBay, the Adidas eBay store. Shout out to Adidas eBay store. You can get everything for like half off, 75% off. So I've been going ham on eBay recently. But yeah, Adidas store. And they said if I mention it tonight, I might get a new sponsor, Tony.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Everybody buy a pair of the basketball socks, please, on the Adidas eBay site after this, please. Because I told them I'm going to mention the basketball socks. If so, if there's an influx of the basketball socks, they will know it's because of me, Tony, but... Wow.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Yeah, I sat next to some weirdo on the airplane who was telling me about how he's back in Austin. He has a lady with a family who he loves, and I'm thinking, this guy's getting catfished, and then he starts telling me about Sasquatches, how when Jesus comes down and saves everybody, the evil people on earth will still be around, and the Sasquatches are going to come out. It kind of
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
So just waiting for that to happen. Toad. That guy was the weirdo.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Maybe some people in Tennessee can feel me on this. Maybe some lightning balls. Maybe a little bit of funnel cake in this motherfucker. Maybe some candy apples. Okay, that's all I got. Tony!
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
I don't know. I'm going to be hollering at Red Band, hopefully, and he's going to let me go out with his fucking ass. And then I'm going to fucking go back, order some Papa John's again, and then on purpose order the White Castle. I gorged myself last night. I actually just found out that if you vomit in between eating, you can eat a whole bunch more food. I had never done it.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
I'd always heard about that before. It's an eating disorder, which is very sad, but I was... stuffing myself last night, Tony. I was just so excited to be here in Nashville. So, if I can eat some motherfucker.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
It's good for my heart. My coach told me it's good for my heart. My rowing coach. Seriously.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Yeah, it's like it puts pressure on your heart. I wear my heart rate monitor when I'm doing it. My heart rate goes way up right before I put my finger in my mouth. I get so nervous before I fucking make myself throw up, and my heart rate goes through the roof at the beginning part.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
I'm sorry, Kid Rock. I don't think I understand that one bad! Oh, because she's a fat bitch. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
KILL TONY
#715 - NASHVILLE NIGHT ONE
Well, Tony, that's weird because I don't think I'm ever going to stop eating White Castle.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Kamala Harris just signed with a major talent agency, and in all honesty, I didn't realize blowing people to further your career was considered a talent. Harriet the spy died? Was she in too deep? I heard she was asking too many questions. Michelle Trachtenberg is dead!
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Remember that show on VH1 called Behind the Music and how in every episode the band was hotter than ever, but offstage things were falling apart? Have y'all seen a Behind the Music lately? Yeah, who got the last laugh, VH1? Fuck you, VH1! Fuck you! Did y'all know Osama bin Laden made a skate video? Yeah, I listened to the audio book. It's pretty decent. Okay, Tony, that's my time.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
See, how did the Harriet the Spy joke? That's a wonderful joke, and nobody's laughing. I'm telling everybody backstage, nobody's laughing backstage. We literally... Is this a horrible idea?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, I think she had a bad alcohol problem and had to get her liver fucking replaced.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Just Osama bin Laden, the idea. He literally had a skate video. People don't realize that.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, skate, like rollerblading. Who's a rollerblader?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, no, he's a really big rollerblader. A lot of people don't know that about Osama Bin Laden. They all think about 9-11, all this bullshit, but he's actually a really good rollerblader. There were actually some skateboard videos. People loved him skateboarding. It's really cool. Seriously. Wow.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And I literally, they made it into an audio book and I literally was listening to the audio book on the way to Cleveland on Friday.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's some Middle Eastern sounding guy just kind of... Yeah. Just this Middle Eastern guy describing Osama. What I was listening to was skateboarding. It was a lot of skateboarding. Just the different tricks. They're like, okay, he's going up into the pool. He just dropped in. He did a 360 on the way down. Just a lot of stuff like that. Wow.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And I know a decent amount about rollerblading, skateboarding, what have you. So I was able to really...
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah. Are you and I going to go to the Barton Street Mall or Barton Creek Mall and go rollerblading in there?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Tony, I feel like we would go and then we'd be like, hold on, where's Red Band? And we look behind us and you're dying on the ground having a heart attack.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's unbelievable. I picture Redman going uphill on rollerblades and just going backwards. There's no way. There's no way you would know how to fucking rollerblade up a hill. Seriously, there's no way. There's no way. No way. That would take a ton of strength. How do you even angle your feet on that one, Redman? You wouldn't even know how to do that.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
His knees would, yeah, they'd buckle like a fucking house fucking falling.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
That's why he's not allowed to exercise. That's why he has to stay on the couch all day, because his knees click in and out.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Well, I left Tony. I had a really good time last Monday just hanging out in Mitzi's, and I get back out to my car, and my car's gone. And I think, uh-oh. And then I come back here, and one of the nice police officers talks to me and tells me that they took my license plate as well. So I'm thinking this is some weird conspiracy. Somebody's getting my ass kicked.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
And I make it to the tow truck place at, like, 2 a.m., and my license plate is off the car. I have to spend $300 on that. I had to spend $500 on the actual ticket. It was this nightmarish $800. I'm fucking $800 in the hole right now. I literally did buy a couple skateboards recently. Seriously.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
so this isn't good but yeah and then i i finally have texas plates now though i had my tennessee plates on so they they ran the i didn't realize i had i had a newer tennessee license plate and i didn't realize the numbers and letters were different on it tony so they ended up running the plates so it said it wasn't for my car so they took the license plate that i'm at the toad truck place just sleepy and feeling really grouchy and there's no place to sit
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But yeah, that happened last Monday, and then I went to Cleveland on Friday and Saturday, and it was a lot of fun.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It was a bunch of fun. No, it was not at hilarities. Oh, where were you? It was an improv. Now it's a funny bone. It's the what? Funny bone.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It's the funny bone. I mean, it was, let's just say something else, Tony.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Still just rowing. I have 19,000 meters since yesterday. Wow. Fucking three hours of sleep, go fucking row 10,000 fucking meters, listen to a bunch of Beck, his old school Beck. I'm back in my days of partying in fucking L.A., doing my blow. Wow. Wow. So it was exciting. And then I went back today. I'm addicted to it now. I get real addicted to stuff.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
So when it was cocaine and alcohol, it was a real nightmare. But now I'm just addicted to the rowing. So that's luckily, I think, a lot more healthy.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Went through a giant puzzles phase. Yeah. And I actually bought a puzzle table. I fucking bought myself a puzzle table for Christmas and I haven't used it. It's sitting behind one of the doors. It's this wonderful puzzle table.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
I was doing it on a little card table. No, I haven't done any puzzles. I just stopped and I've probably ate unopened puzzles at my place right now. Wow.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
It just got so hard looking for the little pieces. Looking for the little pieces. You gotta look for the border at the beginning. That starts turning into a nightmare. It's like, okay, I'm looking for another border piece. Then you look for the specific colors and then it just starts becoming such a drag. And it's so nice Joel and Jesse are here tonight. It's so nice.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Prune juice. I'm currently addicted to prune juice. Tony, I had some squirts earlier. Yep. I fucking get back from Cleveland last night and I'm farting so bad. I had to sleep out on the couch. It was bad. I'm farting all the time if I don't drink my prune juice. Wow. All brain buds. That's another kind of doo-doo related thing. Super addicted to those things. Used to love Whippets.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Oh, yeah. First time I ever heard Phish, the band Phish. I was doing whippets in my buddy's Volvo in high school and then became a big... Is that what it takes to make Phish sound good? Yes. Yes. Uh, fuck. Board games. I was really into board games.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
Yeah, I mean, Raisin Bread. That was a big one. I don't know. It was, uh... Yeah, thank you for whoever said that. That was a huge win. But actually, I was watching a video on YouTube about Dollywood, and they have this wonderful fucking raisin bread, and it was making me think last night I need to go to the store and buy some raisin bread. But I didn't. I held strong.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
But it was the best-looking raisin bread at Dollywood. It almost broke my sobriety on that. Yeah, I have to stop doing this. Seriously. Wow. But right now, rowing's the thing. Rowing's the thing. With no end in sight. No end in sight. Now I want to get across the Atlantic. Really? That's my goal.
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
We would... Well, if we actually did it, there'd have to be boats around me, but we could maybe do that. How cool would that be?
KILL TONY
#711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON
No, I pretty much think I ain't ever going to stop rowing.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
A white woman is suing a fertility clinic because she gave birth to a black baby. And weirdly enough, the exact opposite thing happened to my mother. When she saw me come out, she said, oh, hell no! North Korea has outlawed eating hot dogs. Apparently real dogs were getting their feelings hurt.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
California Congressman Eric Swalwell, the guy who was fucking a Chinese spy, said Trump is responsible for the recent plane crashes. No, Eric, that would be Hillary Clinton. Hooters is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. They're trying to decide whether to file a Chapter 7, a Chapter 11, or a Chapter 36DD.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Thank you so much, Tony. I'm feeling stronger than ever on the fucking row machine. I'm now up to 91 miles since February 3rd.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, I'm feeling really good. And I swore I would not even bring this up. But last time I was talking, I was having the issues with not being able to doo-doo, and now recently I've been drinking on prune juice, which is like a miracle drink. I've been drinking big cups of it, and oh, my God, my stomach's hurting right now, Tony, from how much I have to shit. Wow.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
It's not in the freezer section, just by the other juices.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Think pure prune juice. I think, I can't think of the brand. It doesn't really matter.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, two days ago, Tony, I swear to God with the, and I think I've said this all before at one point, but the, how it was jettisoning out of my asshole. It was making the loudest, like it sounded like a jet noise, Tony. And I'm holding on to the toilet.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, something like that. And I'm thinking, hold on, I've been drinking a bunch of water. I thought water comes out from your bladder. I'm thinking, how's all this liquid in my colon or my butt area? So that part I didn't understand. Because when you drink water, isn't that in your... It's like your front part, right? Well...
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
So if you drink a bunch of water and you pee because it's in your front part, but is it the colon or whatever in your back part?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
That's what I was thinking about. That's what I think my conclusion was coming to. Is it not two different places it goes to?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Redban, have you been doing better? I can't tell if you look okay or not. Because now when I was doing real bad, I was wanting to make fun of you because I was not feeling good about myself. But now I feel so much better. Now I'm worried about it. Are you doing okay?
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Oh, my gosh. That's a really good question. I've never even thought about that. If I ate ice. Good question. I got to think about it. I don't really know. God. And Tony, you would have been so proud of Cam and Casey and I. We were in our first Hollywood movie. Tony, you would have been very proud of us.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I don't know. It was fun. It was not a lot of pressure. It was a pleasure to be with Cam and Casey. Not a lot of lines. So the pressure wasn't on, so we'll see.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
I don't know. It was kind of crazy. I was a little pissed. Literally, we were supposed to be there for seven hours. It was four fucking days. Cam was not saying this shit correctly.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, I'm starting to write. They came out with the boxcar children. It was a bunch of books. I'm starting to write my first book, and it's loosely based off the boxcar children, Tony. That's what I've been spending a lot of my time doing. It's kind of like a children's book. I feel like I could maybe sell a lot more if it's for kids. So we'll see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to that.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Well, I just got a message from my mother that my dad's taking her to the emergency room right now. It's for the diverticulitis, I pray to God.
KILL TONY
#710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, literally 10 minutes ago, got the text message, and my mom's saying she loves all of us, and I'm just trying to think, bitch, I'm about to go on fucking stage. At least wait till after I get off to tell me you're dying. No, but I think she's okay, yeah.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
My New Year's resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters! Oh, hell no! That's my impression of what the UnitedHealthcare vice president said when they told him he was being promoted to CEO! We don't give a fuck about that healthcare bullshit!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Country singer Brad Paisley's wife had a damaged vocal cord that prevented her from speaking for two years, and I'm just trying to figure out how lucky is that fucking guy? Y'all know that bitch be talking! I feel like I've tried every drug, and then someone brings up poppers the other day, and I forgot about that one. Hey, Red Band, what are those like again? It's like a gay drug.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I'm insinuating Red Band is gay. Okay, let's keep her moving. You look pretty gay on the fucking ground just a minute ago. Holy shit! You're way more flexible than I thought you would be. I just realized the animated cartoon Scooby-Doo Where Are You has a laugh track. Apparently Scooby-Doo was drawn in front of a live studio audience. Okay, that's my time, Tony!
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
And I think I would like to know, I did come here with four guns in my fucking trunk tonight. I'm staying at the La Quinta Inn right down the street. If anybody wants to come, James is coming. Okay.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
I am the New Year's baby, Tony. I am actually going to, last night I was talking about, look at all these people that don't like the New Year's baby. It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here? Boo! It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here for some of these fucking people, Cody?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
For Kiwanda. My sash was falling. But yeah, Tony, it is so nice to be here. Looking forward to 2025. It's on this year. What are you looking forward to in 2025? Well, Tony, I'm actually quitting comedy. I'm kind of sick of it now. And I'm going to start working on a train, a locomotive. I'm literally put in the paperwork a couple of days ago, Tony. Why? What?
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Yeah, I'm going to work at a locomotive. I don't know. A lot of people don't know this kind of behind-the-scenes stuff. Red Band has been really mean to me recently. I'm going to work on a fucking train, dude. I'm done with this. That means you're going to quit stand-up comedy? Wait, Tony, I was just kidding. I never get it. Wow.
KILL TONY
#706 - 2025 NYE
Please welcome to the stage comedian roaster and host of the kill Tony podcast Tony Hinchcliffe In the middle of the ocean right now, I think it's called Puerto Rico
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Happy Kwanzaa, son. Oh my gosh, Texas, it is so wonderful to be here tonight. I'm actually wearing this outfit as a sign of respect for the ancient Chinese tradition of Kwanzaa. And I would like, in accordance with the scriptures, to read some fortune cookies, if that's okay with you motherfuckers tonight!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Spirit Airlines is going to start a frequent fighter discount where you earn a free trip after only four fights. Okay, I've got 20 in here, so let me... Do you want one of the condoms? Jimmy Carter will die on March 12th, 2025. Okay, I guess I'm... Fuck, that went up! Okay, let's... I'm celebrating closet tonight, y'all! Oh, this is a long one.
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
Okay, let me... The way you talk about the hot Latinas in the movie Encanto will turn on your therapist so much, she'll ask to lie on the couch next to you. Okay, let's keep moving. Yeah, my hands are so sweaty right now, I'm sorry. In the year 2025, Eliza will surpass a thousand pounds. Okay, got y'all back with that fat bitch! You know her ass ain't celebrating Kwasa this year!
KILL TONY
#704 - HEB ARENA NIGHT ONE
As a part of Make-A-Wish, your son will wish he could perform the upside-down Spider-Man kiss, but sadly, Tobey Maguire says no. Okay, last one. Let's keep her moving. The waiter has a gun, and you must tackle them now. Now do it! Tackle them, dinner man!