Adam Felber
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
It's a short dance. Dum-dum.
Flagstoning. No. Parabulations. No.
I would say fully a dozen things come to mind with the phrase land snorkeling that are not walking.
That sounds... That sounds like having a mouth full of a giant angry caterpillar.
And where do you get xenon gas? Well, you get to the base of Mount Everest, and behind the yurt, there's a dealer.
This trend was invented by a very clever mosquito. Exactly.
Wow, you know, but people think it can't get worse than that, but they haven't experimented with stacking yet. That's true.
The five-second rule is now the ten-minute suggestion.
I am not going near a bowl that he dipped in, even single dip. So they tested all these dips. They dipped a chip in, and they assumed that dips don't lie. Dips don't lie.
You know, but it has existed as a problem for a long time. I'm sure I'm not the only person here who's had a roommate that could have used a course in showering 101. True. And you know what? Chat GPT can't tell you if you smell.
Despite their wealth, young tech millionaires Vikram Anand and Betty Wolfsky had a small Bay Area wedding. But last week after the ceremony, Betty surprised Vik with a gigantic reception that pulled out all the stops.
She flew 35 members of his family in from India and staged a party straight out of a Bollywood spectacular, a tent festooned with 5,000 marigolds, a 20-piece swing band, and made her grand entrance on an elephant, which is when things went wrong.
Bettina turned out to be an amateur mahout at best, and the elephant she'd rented was a rescued circus performer whose one trick turned out to be picking up performers with her trunk, which she promptly did as Betty attempted to dismount and then attempted to do the same to several other bridesmaids before fleeing with her trainer, knocking down two poles, causing the massive tent to collapse on the entire party.
Vikram, for his part, was philosophical. Quote, she didn't really stage an accurate Indian wedding party, but the way it ended in total disaster like that? For my family, that was right on point.
Well, there's a certain imposter syndrome because I use an appetite suppressant. So it's not like I put any effort or changed any behavior. In other words, I'm kind of like it's the ultimate nepo baby.
Well, I joke in the special that I used to be a fat guy, and now I'm thin, therefore arrogant, because I always viewed thin people as arrogant. But I do feel like, I mean, I love it. My knees don't hurt. With the appetite suppressant, I'm just kind of, it's not like I don't eat. I just eat like a normal human. I'm less consuming like a dog.
You know, in my 20s, I was thin. And granted, I wasn't very successful at stand-up.
Yeah. I mean, that shows you the position that the Catholic Church is in right now. They're like, okay, time to call in the comedians.
Well, there was a really intellectually sound reason, which he believes that humor is a really important part of dealing with everyday life. And so he wanted to articulate that. But the reality of sitting in a room in the Vatican with, you know,
That was me trying to be funny. Making one of your little jokes. But I posted it and I was like, you know what, are people going to think that I'm serious? Would have been funnier from a fat guy. It was, yeah, because, you know, some of it is, you know, English is probably the fourth language that Pope Francis knows. So I didn't really bother to say anything.
I just kind of like nodded and kind of, you know, just kind of was polite and move along because that's what's so amazing about religion and politics. It's like the entertainment industry, but they don't get paid anything. It's brutal. That's true.
Yeah, well, I opened for the Popemobile, and I essentially did 10 minutes of stand-up outside in Philly. I followed a team of dancers, and then I went out, and I was sarcastic. I essentially bombed for 10 minutes, and then the Popemobile drove in. So it wasn't as glamorous as it sounds, really.
Maybe I've just been kicking around long enough where I had, you know, I'd been burned so many times that I didn't want to emotionally invest in it. And so when, you know, the internet kind of, after Steve Martin turned it down, they kind of identified every Midwestern doughy guy. Yeah.
Well, that's the good thing about being a Midwestern doughy guy is, like, you can lose the weight, but you still look out of shape. That's true.
Well, it can't be the fitted sheet. Wouldn't that be great, though? I feel like it's got to be the smart pillow.
Because there is something about the, not that I understand goop logic, but I think there's the nostalgia of the beauty of the past that is timeless, right? Yeah. So that would be my reasoning. But is it erotic?
Oh, I think it's the $1,000 delivered. It is. It's the first one.
Every night is fight night for Ellen Walkman. In Conshohocken, Pennsylvania, school teacher Ellen Walkman is channeling her skills into a nighttime gig as a family judge. Someone who can come to your family's house and hang back on the walls like a chameleon until a fight breaks out and then she will say who was right. Like many teachers, she has a rigorous preparation process.
Before arriving to this job as a family judge, she asks the clients what color their walls are so that she can buy a shirt that blends into the walls to to the point that she's unnoticeable to the family. At one recent gig, Walkman explains how Uncle Joe and Aunt Doreen were having a pig roast, but no one wanted to clean up the carcass.
When it was time for her to settle the fight, she did what any good judge would do. I made them wrestle. Walkman says her new side gig has become quite lucrative, and outside of the odd brawl or two, she can decide any fight in 60 seconds or less. The secret? Always side with the mom.
You're just basically a polyethylene core.
Yeah. They let their shark go next to your shark without asking, is my shark friendly? Yeah, exactly.
No, no. Dude, it was a shark. It was crazy. It was a shark so big.
Give them a little wink.
It's a good guess, though.
Wait a minute. I have a novel idea.
Okay. Asking a question.
The first thing I thought of was going to a doctor's office.
We want to preserve that.
That's a good friend.
Now that's a way to flirt. Exactly.
I think ugly is like in now. Let's hope.
Really? To me, yeah. I like a man who's practical, so I like it. Yeah. You know, they're safe.
Are you loafing or are you moving? This is for the people with peasiety or whatever, because they're peeing and they're like, wait a minute, I gotta go see what's done with Great British Bake Off right now.
I feel like, am I nuts? Two dozen eggs per person seems reasonable as a little bit.
Folgers? Starbucks is what I meant to say. Don't think about the person.
How am I supposed to get through till tomorrow with only 24 eggs?
Yes. The new breakfast staple is Beanie Babies. People thought they were going to be worth a lot, and then they were totally worthless, except now as your breakfast food, and they're proteinaceous too.
Yes, instead of hiring someone with the body type, they're like, no, Christian Bale must alone lose 4,000 pounds in one year and then gain them back the next year. Exactly right.
They're like, monster must be Charlize Theron. Give trolls work. Come on.
We are thriving and we just need work.
I feel like I have the opposite of anxiety. No, P-xiety. I said anxiety. You know what?
It's better. It's a better name. It is better.
I feel more confident when I go to the bathroom. That's my chill zone. That's where I do my connections or my wordle. I'm like in the zone in the bathroom. I gain strength. It's like, it's a confidence.
P-confidence. P-fidence.
Yeah, I learned to pee.
And that's what I'm looking forward to.
And that's why I'm on Spirit all the time?
What are the other passengers doing that's so important?