Adam Grant

I'm Adam Grant, and this is Work Life, my podcast with Ted.

I'm an organizational psychologist.

I study how to make work not suck.

In this show, we explore how to unlock the potential in people and workplaces.

Today, why it's so hard to say no, and how we can get better at setting boundaries.

For a long time, I was a people pleaser.

I bent over backward to say yes to as many people and as many requests as I could.

I thought that was core to being a kind, giving person.

But I was overextending myself.

I knew it was bad when I started wondering if I needed to schedule calls with my friends because I was too busy helping randos.

Then I read research suggesting that the root of chronic people pleasing is not concern for others.

It's concern for their approval.

In other words, it's not about them.

It's about you.

I wasn't going overboard for others because I cared too much about them.

I was doing it because I cared too much about their opinions of me.

I said yes because I wanted them to like me and accept me.

It probably started as a solution to being bullied in elementary school, but it had created a new problem.

I'd come to rely on others for self-esteem.

I craved their validation, so I was putting them above myself.