Adam Ray

Hello. I had sex with my first goth girl recently. That was pretty cool. I could tell she was goth because when she took a shit on my chest, the shit had a piercing. She told me she didn't think cum was good for your skin. Can you believe that? I told her, no, I know that cum is good for your skin. Because my belly button is glowing.

But it's with a T-shirt gun. I'm the mascot for Texas State. Give it up. But when you open the t-shirt, it says, don't come to school tomorrow. All right.

Almost four years now. Four years. All of it here in Texas? All of it in Texas, yeah. Is this where you were born and raised? I was actually born in New York.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry?

The proud boss, Brian Redman. I do AV there, and then I'm also an AV contractor. I do contract work. I work in hotels and stuff.

He's great, yeah. My main positive feeling is that after Secret Show, I get to steal goodies and weed drinks, so that's nice. There you go.

I'm fucked. Holy shit. I'm fucked. I'm going to lose my job, though.

Let's see. Right now, I'm trying to learn Spanish really hard. Is that lame? No, no, it's good. What do you know so far? uh just the basics i can't really even communicate uh it's taking a long we just thought it would be really hard letting people shit on your chest yeah i only know those words what do you know how to say i could say like uh uh fuck uh i was trying to like talk to people in the

and the fucking lair over there about just like... It's Shakespeare's. Shakespeare's. Yeah.

I was just trying to talk to them about like, that I went to, I was in Cuba for a couple of weeks a long time ago. And that's like the one phrase that I know how to talk about is like, oh, I was in Cuba a long time ago. And then they're like, yeah, really? And then they start speaking to me in Spanish. And then I'm like, all I do is like, I just... Yeah. Yeah.

I never met a Duolingo dropout before. I do Duolingo obsessively, but also, like, I'm pretty good at listening to it because I listen to... I like listening to... I listen to, like, Tom Segura and Espanol over and over again, the same episodes, just to, like, learn. And that's mainly what I do.

So I can't really speak, but I can understand when they're talking shit about me in a line at a food truck. You know?

Yeah.

Uh, nothing right now. Working on finding someone to stare at. It's been a couple months, yeah.

I am on the apps. I'm on Hinge. I'm a big hit on that fucking thing.

No, I try and pretend I'm not a comedian because I mostly hook up with liberal chicks that think I'm They think I'm a white supremacist. If I'm even a mile within... If I'm even remotely close to this place. So I lie the whole time. I talk about Palestine and art. I know how to... I really know how to con them into fucking me, and then I go back to... I lie about shit.

He's using pussy cheat codes. I talk about communism. I talk about the Berlin Wall. I do all that shit, and then...

Yeah, for a long time, my profile was really scary. I didn't adjust it the correct way. I had weird... I didn't smile in any of my photos, and then I showed my friend it, and they were like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's so frightening in this photo.

Well, it's like, I'll always go on a date, and I'll go into it, and really, I'll try and talk about how I like speaking my mind. Use certain language like that, and then I test the waters, and sometimes they'll be like... Oh no, that's not okay. And I'll just be like, oh fuck.

Please fuck me, please fuck me. I'm gonna shoot up a school if you don't fuck me. Please help me. I have to like, I give in eventually. I'm just like.

Do this for the people of, insert high school.

Wow.

Wow.

Shit, I guess I'm trying to become a citizen of Slovakia right now. Wait, oh shit.

It's really a bad language. It's a terrible, but oh God, if they're listening, I love it. Let me in, please. What is it about Slovakia that you want? So I, I'm a, I have like, My ancestors are from there, and I want to be able to get citizenship there so I can own property and then also be able to work there. So as a comedian, it's just a good idea, I think. How close are you to owning property?

But not just in Slovakia. It would be anywhere in the EU. You get full citizenship. God, I'm not going to get in now because of this shit. You want to own property in Slovakia? No, you could own it anywhere in the EU if you do that. So where would you buy property? I don't know. You could, like, Spain or somewhere that's cool. Is that what you would do? No.

Maybe... Just keep the options open. It takes, like, two years to get citizenship. It takes many, many years for you to learn Spanish.

What does that mean?

Yeah.

We have a pitch set up with Tubi, so we'd love to include that.

Yeah, you better be autistic, man. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up?

What's the dream job?

All right. You ever fuck up somebody's name on the coffee cup and they freak out?

Oh, yeah. You like to see what your life could have been.

It's like that movie Family Man with Nicolas Cage.

And I'm going to buy a coffee for me tomorrow.

You look like you sold the van to the guy. And you were like, I swear I didn't come in this thing. Right, right. I used to do real estate in New York.

I'm living in a van. Sorry, the sidewalk.

Okay. In 2025, how do you... You don't have a girl, right? But you brought people back to the van. Yeah. How does it... Do you have any trepidations when you're trying to elicit a friend to come back? What's the opening line, I guess?

Yeah. Well, like, an adult embarrassing story. Yeah, okay.

No, no one did that. You're right, you're right.

Say it, say it. Tony.

Appreciate that. There you go. You also came out with confidence. That's always... Oh, no.

It's your first time on the show, right?

You came out, you had a game plan that always matters, so good job. Yeah, thank you.

Good stuff.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

Okay. That's hilarious. And then... By the way, I would love to see you on Family Feud. I'm going to go with... This guy's got an eating disorder. By the way, what's on your pants? Did you paint Red Band's house? What is that? I spilled bleach, okay? Don't bully me.

Let me ask a question. When you smile, it's real warm, but you didn't smile... Well, don't do that. But when you smile... But when you smile organically, it... Yeah, like that. But you didn't smile at all during your set, really, right? I couldn't... No. Is that... What's the... What's the choice to go from...

Yeah. So your material is always kind of, you like to just, you know, your point of view is to keep it dry.

We're not cops.

Get it out of the way, red man.

Thank you very much. I don't even need you to, like, do comedy. You could just, like, read the back of a Cheesecake Factory menu. Thank you.

Yes.

I love this fucking show. Dude, good to see you again. And we love you. And my wife, who loves this show, is seeing it live for the first time tonight. Give it up for her. She's fucking here. The very best. We love her. Not gay.

Isn't this the plot of Rush Hour? This is unbelievable. Everything you're saying, I feel like I watched in a movie.

Absolutely incredible. Your delivery and cadence is so goddamn perfect. Everything you say, I feel like it's gonna end with you handing a child a katana. You know what I'm saying? Like, the way that she works with the rum, like, it's got so much, it's so soft but powerful. You know what I'm saying? But it's just facts about your life. Have you always been this calm, cool, and collected? I think so.

It's absolutely incredible.

At the place your girlfriend works?

Could be the name of your special, too.

Keep it going for Rich Voss. That's a big deal. He let somebody step in.

Adam Ray. First name again? It's... Konsei Yasuda. Konsei Yasuda. I know I've already done this once, but I'm actually going to be in Toronto May 1st through the 3rd at the Comedy Bar. Do you want to host? We need somebody to host all weekend.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. We need a host. I feel like you need a host. You got 10 minutes? Yeah. Yeah.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Thank you.

We got one as Phil going.

I think you just found your new catchphrase.

What were you saying? I was going over auditions that I wasn't going to book. I was like, Tony, I got two lines as the waiter. Does this sound good? Your food, sir? And Tony was like, you're not going to get it. You should quit and move to Austin. We sucked.

When do the sunglasses go on? You wear them outdoors yet, or is it just for show?

Wow. I mean, yeah, you kind of did it. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. How long you been doing that?

Let's go. Wow. Does it ever come into play or come into, you know? Well, I just use it for Kill Tony now, goddammit.

You fucking did, yeah.

Hey, hey, it's fine.

With the right phone.

Yeah, great new bit, Cam. I mean, there's always, every time I see you, always something new. Appreciate you, man.

When did you know? When did you know you wanted to make the switch?

What? Why?

Thank you. Thank you.

Are you always that quick to fuck y'all? Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's a joke, but you kind of mean it, yeah?

Oh, I think that's what Ted Bundy said. Yeah. Now it's good to do it. Now it works. And you too can use a punchline like that if you take classes at the Rich Voss School of Comedy. Operators are standing by. Classes are $630. They take Venmo and cash. 3 to 3.15 Monday through Tuesday.

That's your birthday at 6.30?

Your wife is watching for the first time. Don't fuck this up. Can you do it once as Danny Glover?

The Red Band School of Comedy is taking submissions now at the Sunset Strip.

She does sound weird.

Have you guys kicked it since you reunited?

Again, that number for the Rich Voss.

Yikes. Leave it in, Yoni. Filipino.

That's still Danny Glover, by the way. Yeah.

Martin, that could be your new closer.

Yo, can I say this? Martin Phillips did a Dr. Phil Live in Las Vegas in January, and he came out first, and the place, 4,100 people went fucking nuts when he came out, dude. He's a superstar. He's a superstar. You're a beast, Martin. You're so goddamn nice and funny, man. He is a superstar.

Yeah. Anytime someone describes shitting as a vast amount of feces. Yeah. Wait, were you wearing, so you got to wear like NBA tearaways next time. Yeah. That'd be nasty.

Wait, wait, wait. You know there was one kid left behind who was like, Mr. Phillips, are you okay?

Oh, my God. You're like the wet bandits from Home Alone. Yeah.

Dude, that's how you do it. I love it.

Maybe John Cena, if he's having a John Cena lookalike party. That's a compliment. Where do you get your material from?

Yeah, Ari, where do you work? Do you have a job? What's, do you work at a... Okay, all right. No, do you get recognized?

They're like, what's up, player? You know? Yeah, what does your demo lie mostly?

Yeah.

Looks like the guy who farted at O'Fender. Yeah, I just wanted to say your name again.

And you too can learn a Martin Phillips impression at the Rich Voss School of Comedy.

General Montgomery. William, you look like the first guy that claimed he saw Bigfoot. That is true.

That's a compliment. Wait, what do kids, how old do kids think you are when they meet you? Have you met kids? This is a weird question.

Yeah, what do they say?

Yeah, I don't think people believe me. Have you been around kids, like nieces and nephews? Yeah, I have two little nieces. You strike me as someone that would be good with kids, and I mean that.

Has anybody here ever taken the Am I Gay test on Facebook? If not, don't bother. It's 35 minutes of gay porn, and once you get to the end, there aren't even any questions. I checked twice. My grandpa, he used to babysit me, but now I babysit him. I took him to buy some groceries, and in the middle of the aisle, he goes, five dollars for a bag of Doritos?

Back in my day, I could get my dick sucked for a dollar. I said, Grandpa, you can't trick me like that anymore.

I'm from Atlanta. I drove up here today.

I'm 30.

Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Ryan? I'm a restaurant manager full-time. I work at a sex shop part-time. Ooh. Yeah. Selling dildos.

Yeah, we got one that's called the Showstopper. Ooh!

It's just, like, a giant, you know, dildo, and it has, like, an air suction control, little jackrabbit thing on it. Air suction. Air suction.

Like, it comes out of the shell too easily. Well, it's like a little air-pulsed jackrabbit thing. We just got those on the shelves. They're, like, little... It kind of, like, vibrates, but it's just, like... It sucks, and then it pushes air out real fast.

In Atlanta, yeah, about like 30 minutes south, but pretty much Atlanta. Okay.

I'm not really gay. But I do have a fiance, and she's great. For fun, I like to ride my dirt bikes. Oh. That's about it. I like to go moto camping, where I go out into the woods with my dirt bike and set up a little camp and stay out there for a couple nights. Hell yeah. And then comedy.

My childhood. My dad was really big on meth whenever I was a kid.

Yeah, big on Meth. He was also a preacher, too, a Baptist preacher. Wow. Yeah.

He's in like the trucking industry. He kind of got past all that, married a nice lady, was in a nice subdivision manager somewhere.

She's a bartender. Shout out, Ali. Love you, baby.

No, she had to work.

Hi, everybody. So I'm originally from Miami, which I know is the last thing you expect somebody that looks like this to say. Yeah, I've felt it a lot better since I moved to Austin. But, you know, most people that are born and raised in Miami feel like any place is better than Miami, you know, like most places. But then I moved to Baltimore in the middle of the winter.

And you know what's not better than Miami? Fucking Baltimore in the middle of the winter. Yeah, like, even the bridge was like, fuck this, I can't take it anymore. Like, let's be honest, Baltimore's just Detroit that got crabs. That's it. And when I moved to town, I only knew one person in town, which was an old ex-girlfriend.

And about a week before I moved there, she goes, listen, I got to tell you something. I've been working as a stripper. And I go, I know. You told me you were a bartender and got a concussion. That shit don't happen. But also, I've been working as an escort. I said, OK, great. She said, but I don't like people calling me an escort or a sex worker. I think of myself as a service provider.

I was like, nah, bitch, AT&T is a service provider. You a hoe. Let's keep it real. All right, thank you. That's been my time. Eric Ray Stone, welcome to the show. Thank you, Tony.

Yeah, I know. Years have not been kind to me, have they?

I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. What is that? Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, EDS. It means my connective tissue sucks. The only famous person I know that has it has Billie Eilish, but I don't have her teta, so nobody gives a shit.

Yeah, tendons, ligaments, and cartilage. So you tear them a lot? Yeah. When I was younger, I played a lot of sports and did a lot of really stupid things. So I thought I was just getting injured because I was doing really stupid things.

Turns out, no. God has a sense of humor, too. You're like Mr. Glass. Yeah, exactly.

I started in Miami, and then I went up to Baltimore for quite a bit of time, and then I came back to Miami and was working at the improv for a couple years down there.

You were, actually.

Yeah, pretty much.

Amazing.

Ever since I had a hip reconstruction that didn't exactly go great. What happened? Well, I was supposed to heal from the surgery, and I didn't.

Yeah. You did. Coble butter? Ironically, they actually make you stop fish oil before you go into surgery. Like, that's one of the things they were really specific about. I was like, that's odd, but okay.

No, there was an explanation, but I smoke a lot of weed, so I don't remember exactly what it was. That makes sense.

I do. I just moved to town about a month ago. How do you like it so far? I'm loving every minute of it.

What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas? Well, every day since I've been here, comedy. But I've actually been hanging out at Sunset Strip a lot. I got a lot of friends that work there. Look at that. Look at that.

Yeah, so I found out not too long ago that apparently a lot of my family that was in Cuba that are now millionaires here were political prisoners because we were very fond of explosives and not so fond of communists. So, yeah, I did not know that. Can you really just spell out what you just said? Yeah. I'd prefer not to because there's, you know. Okay.

Yeah, actually, I went on a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met about two weeks ago. How'd it go?

You went to a... We went out to a bar with her friends and then we went dancing, which was not very dancing for me. That was her telling you to leave. Well, yeah. I should have taken the hints.

No, it was Texas two-step, and I have no idea how to do that.

Probably not. I told her way too much about my family and history, so yeah.

Yep. All right, that'll do it. Yep. Yeah, what's funny is we then made out afterwards. So it didn't seem like a deal breaker, but then she blocked me the next day.

20 years since I've been on stage, but it's time to get back to it. I'm going to go give it a shot, Josh, in the material. Here we go.

It's the panel that brings it out.

17, 18 years. Wow. Do you think you speak English well? Barely.

I drive a rideshare Uber lift. That seems like that's what you would do.

Square dancing?

No, I don't know.

Okay.

Probably, yeah.

My dad had been here.

Limousine service.

Sometimes.

I actually am into fitness. I actually have to thank you all for... putting me on it. I used to be a... You're thanking us for getting you into fitness? Yes, Kill Tony, and it actually inspired me to do all this. Red Band is part of Kill Tony.

He's doing great. LAUGHTER No, before COVID, I was a 300-plus pound alcoholic.

No, I don't. I like them. I just don't like the way people treat them. Some kind of obsession going on here with the dogs? You think there's too many dog owners?

I don't know if I have a solution, but it's just annoying to see, like, too many dogs. Wow.

They have strollers for dogs. Uh-huh. It is true. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what's going on. Okay.

Guys, we really need to stop calling women cows. It's really fucking them up. Yeah, seriously, there's scientific evidence that generational traumas change our DNA. So we've been calling them cows for so long, they're turning into cows. It's not just the weight, they've started wearing these rings around their noses. And they're eating grass and taking shits on the streets, so no more cows.

And also, we need to stop shoving dicks in their mouths. You see, thousands of years of dick sucking is stretching the jaw. And now the mouths have grown so big, it's really hard to shut them up. And guys, you know why our bread smells so bad? It's the generational trauma of thousands of years of eating that stinking pussy. Thank you, that's my time. Solomon.

Oh, yeah. Here he goes. Legally blind my ass. Wow. Yeah. You want to see legally blind? I'll show you legally blind. Watch this. That's legally blind right there.

And a great performer.

Why do you do this to me?

What happened?

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee! What the fuck is up, HEB Center? Welcome, welcome.

This is Andrew Dice Clay! Live and in the flesh, baby!

This is Ari Matti!

Wow.

Would you like to go to the secret show tonight in Pflugerman?

I got to go to the bathroom. I'll see you guys. I got to go to the bathroom. He's got to go to the bathroom, ladies and gentlemen.

Harlan Williams. Harlan Williams.

That's right. Surprise, surprise. The 2024 Guest of the Year is Harlan Williams, everybody.

Thanks for having me. Have I been here before?

Oh, but we've been on the show twice. And no, you did resume during the pandemic. During the pandemic. Yeah. Where I think I got. You definitely fought with my audience a little bit. They fought with me. Did they? Listen. Well, I think, look, I don't know if you established enough up top that like, hey guys, I'm having a comedian on the show.

I don't know if we, and maybe that's on me for maybe you did establish it and they were like, he's a comedian.

During the pandemic And I feel like People were testy People were not taking jokes They weren't We were not We were I think I even made a joke about We were storming the streets Being six feet from me And she was like Funny Oh no Okay that's where we are Is that where we are Yeah that's where we are Is that where we are That's where we were I feel like Now I feel like comedy's On it's way back Comedy's on It's back dude Comedy's back man Comedy's back dude I kind of feel like even Old comedy is back Like Yeah we're back Yeah you can offend people now

Roast me, toast me. Yeah, dude. Nice shimmy, by the way. You don't get enough cred for your shimmies. He doesn't. Yeah, I think, and one of the things that's fun about doing, like, dressing up, I guess, like Dr. Phil, is it's almost like having a puppet, I feel like, because it's still me through all of it, but I definitely say things. You know, it's my timing.

It's my, you know, I mean, through the character, but there's definitely moments where I'm like, oh, that sounds funny. You know, it's all timing. It's a split second to, like, listen and react and you miss that moment. And it's like, the joke's gone. Right. So there's definitely times where I'm like, Oh, say that. And I do.

And I'm like, Oh, I don't know if I would say that like Adam, but as Phil, I'm like, dude, people want me to at this point with, I think how the show has been going, they're like, dude, fucking lay into people, you know, you know, within reason, but also Phil is known for being a little abrasive.

Totally. And a gangster and way funnier than I thought he was going to be. How did you meet? Because you guys are like Friends. I mean, I don't know. Are you not? Yeah. I mean, we're, are you starting to do your friends with you? That's a good question. Let's get them on the phone. Uh, this proposes a good question of like how people view the friendship.

Cause I definitely have met comedians, people where like, even like I gave a guest spot to a kid in Baltimore once, uh, you know, young comics hit me up on the road. You know, can I, I usually always, you know, throw bones and cause you know how it was when I was coming up and it's like getting five minutes, even on a packed show, it's like a huge deal.

And there's a kid who helps produce my podcast about last night. And he had never performed in Vegas in front of his family. And I was out there a few weeks ago and I was like, dude, come do spots on all the shows. And he gets on stage one of the nights and he goes, dude, he goes, God damn it. Oh God, that was so bad. Fuck. But the crowd also, the crowd's on whack. And I go, Jesse, you bombed.

I go, it's fine. He's like, I did? I go, yeah, dude, that was awful. And I start laughing. And then he's got a big smile on his face because I was, you know, trying to be like, dude, embrace it. It's a rite of passage. You've been doing it a year and a half. You have no reason to be putting pressure on yourself. And I go, you don't get better when you crush every time.

You also are in a stage where like you got to, I go, just be glad that you got the reps on full shows.

to where you like get a taste of it and you go fuck i don't want that to that should give you more um you know juice and motivation just to get up even more and get better so that that doesn't happen again but anyway so i've known people like that and he's a cool i've considered him a friend but there are people i've met like once and then like this kid in baltimore and then uh a friend of mine uh was out there and he's like oh i ran into your boy uh matt and i was like who and he goes matt you gave him guest spots he said that's like you guys are like boys and i was like

Oh, does one time constitute being boys now? So this is my question. Like with Phil, hey man, yeah, I consider him my best friend of all time because he's allowed me to do this and bring joy to people and not sue me. I love you, Phil. But I think you need like a handful of hangs to build rapport, right?

Your friends. You're their best friend. Do you have people like that? I'm sure you do. I don't know.

We'll be right back. Do you have, there's probably people in the reality show world that are just like, they claim you hard, right? And you're like, we've never met. I haven't heard of it. Yeah, I will say though, I don't know a lot of people want to claim me. Does your high school claim you? I don't even know. I do. Natalie does.

Yeah, River does. River's your child, right?

Mazel, by the way. Pretty new, right?

Oh, my God.

How is it? Great. It's awesome. Gives you the purpose to live. Everything you hear, right? It's wild. It gives you purpose, right?

My wife and I are puppy parents, right? We have bagel and pickles. That's how we started. Halfway to a Jewish deli. Yeah. Really? Yeah. But it's not the same thing. Like when I talk about this in my act where it's like people, parents hate when puppy parents are like, oh God, a dog. It's just like, it's like a kid. And I'm like, it's pretty much not.

I mean, I don't think your kids ever stared at you while you fought. Do you know what I'm saying? Well, it's true. Maybe it has. I don't want to tell you how to raise your kids, but... But Pickles, most nights, is locked in. Just sit right there. Just like, wow, same moves again, huh? You know? And it's pretty, you know, I take it personally.

Oh, God. It just got dark quick. Everyone has those moments. It's like, what's the point? And you're lying if you say you don't. Wait, so how'd you land on the name River? It's a beautiful name. We were in the drive-thru with the Raising Canes.

I thought you said you proposed. I was like, hey, let's take the power back. Yeah. but also what a wild spot to do it. That actually is not a bad idea. And you get like, maybe you put the ring in like a nugget or something and you get the drive-thru.

I just proposed by the way. And you're about to do it. And somebody is like impatient and high behind you. Let's fucking go, dude.

You're younger than me. I'm just kidding. I'm younger than you? Two years. Does that say more about me or more about you? How do you look younger than me? What's your skincare reg? Yeah.

Maybe it's Maybelline. Noxzema. Clearasil. I was a big Clearasil kid back in the day.

So many high school. I remember one day. It's that OS1 peptide. Are you sponsored by peptides?

Let's go. You don't need that, do you?

Wow, I wish I could. I do have a couple grays in my beard, though, that showed up this year.

Ladies like the grays, right?

I actually was feeling like this was a good day, but... You woke up confident this morning. I woke up, nothing hurt. I did get... I don't know if you see a chiropractor, but definitely, like, adjusted and, you know, just traveling so much right now for... You know, it's a balance of my standup on like every, like this weekend I go to Utah and to go meet the housewives.

I might have a few in there. Yeah, I mean, I'll probably riff something on that. Definitely one of my best buds from high school was Mormon, and now he probably does the most drugs I've seen of anybody. So I don't know if that's like- That's suppression. It's suppression for sure. Suppression, oppression, depression. All of it. Yeah, they are a wound up bunch.

And isn't like, I mean, I'll definitely probably talk about soaking. Isn't that what they're- They do. That's a thing. What a wild thing. By the way, who has the patience for that?

and someone's jumping on the bed it's like oh wait a second that's weird oh wait so it's not like you're on like a quarter in the machine vibrating bed no they bring in a friend they bring in a friend or not a friend even weirder underneath the bunk bed just

Wait, was that somebody under the bed kicking it? Yeah.

That's... You're going to say it like that? One kid and she tells you what to do like that. Look at that.

Whoa.

I like that.

That's brilliant, but... by the way. I'm just curious.

We're pretty healthy. You laugh a lot. I'll say that. She definitely, I mean, look, I know I am a, like, you know, there's also, we have about 12, 13-year age gap.

That's another reason why we're, kids are on her schedule, right? But I also don't want to be a 70-year-old dad. I don't want my kids' first words to be somebody call 911, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

and uh what's so funny too it's like i remember when i was 10 my best friend's dad was 80 and i'm like bro who hits 70 and goes i'm gonna start a family it is that that is wild that's wild and he would always i was a real big kid um like you're like how fat well my mom and i shared a bra and i would put it on i did that was a joke but i probably did pretend to wear it sometimes right i feel like just like try it just see and all the girls this was one of my early jokes i would go um

I go, yeah, I wore my T-shirt in the pool when I swam, the classic fat kid move. I go, not because I was embarrassed. I don't want to make the girls jealous with what I was working with. I go, because girls in fourth, fifth grade, all they care about is, like, you know, boys and, like, oh, Adam, how'd you get them sweet-ass titties? How'd you get them sweet-ass titties, Adam?

And I'd be like, two words for you, Pop-Tart appetizer.

Great question. I'm going brown sugar.

Fuck no. Put it in the fridge, baby.

Fridge? Freezer, sorry.

Well, I love a freezer.

I love a freezer. New t-shirt idea for Vile Files.

Toasted is the best. In college, I think I would put them in the fridge, get them cold. But I like strawberry for a while, and then you realize there's other flavors. S'mores is pretty bomb. S'mores, yeah.

Too long.

I think after a certain while, you're like, oh, I'm down for the count for probably 10 days if I have a Pop-Tart.

It feels great. I'm really proud of it. Everything's so... I've been out here for... I went to college at USC for acting school in 2001 to 2005. So I've been grinding whatever in actual Hollywood for, I guess, what is it, 24, 19 years? Stand-up for 17. So I've had so many things happen and then stop or be promised and then not or get close and not.

Truly, the appropriate amount to where you're like...

you should why are you why did you not quit you know and look yeah moments days self-doubt whatever but literally just uh so i this is awesome and i hope it uh leads to just more opportunities to make more shit because that's all i want to do is right and that's why i started doing it because i was feeling a real stagnant monotony with like uh which is a great band name stagnant monotony and uh um by the way i just those are the only two words i know don't be like whoa he's smart

But I was getting bored with like auditioning, not getting parts, podcast standup. It was just like a, just, I was doing the same shit, you know, obviously different pods, different standup sets. But I was like, I need to like be more creatively satisfied. And I need to like, I just need to create, I need to do something else.

And I'd always want to do like a live show with like some sort of character. And, and the pandemic hit and a friend of mine, Jeremiah Watkins, who plays a different character in every show, He plays Gollum in the special. We just did a show at the Beacon in New York. Sold it out, 3,000, for the New York Comedy Fest last Friday. And it was Jason Biggs came on.

If you ever want to have him on, he's a fucking great dude and a great guest. If he's out here, I'll hook it up. He'd fucking crush on here. He's the man, dude.

They're rock stars. And he's so fucking funny and so kind. And I go, Jay, I go, will you do the Beacon Show? He's like, of course. And I go, my boy Johnny Resnick from the Goo Goo Dolls is in town. He's going to come out and do Irish at one point. Here's my idea. Jeremiah is going to dress up as the pie. I want you guys to reunite. And then we're going to have the curtain come up.

There's going to be a fireplace and a bed. And then Johnny is going to play Irish while you guys bang on the bed. And he was like, I love it. And then I'm like, I told this about him, by the way, to him an hour before the show. Because I had sent him voice notes and he calls me, I'm getting into makeup. He goes, so what am I doing again? And I go, all right.

And basically, and I posted the clip on my Instagram. The episode comes out Sunday. But I was like, I got to put a tease up before the special because I think it'll get a nice pop and just be a nice boost bleeding into the show.

netflix special and so uh jeremiah comes out and i go you know you've kept in touch with a lot of cast members which i appreciate tara reed sean williams still for his mom but but there's one person that you have some uh don't have any closure with and i flew him out here to reunite with you please welcome from american uh pie one the pie and jeremiah comes out and the pie suits incredible and they talk and he's like hey it's good to see you jason and jason's like i am

sorry i didn't call and this is the only the whole show's unscripted always right but certain beats i'm like i just at least need you get with dr phil coming out and surprising the audience and and uh during the special i at least went over with him before i was like i say i don't like your fucking attitude to somebody in the crowd that's your cue to come out milk the applause whatever and then when it dies down grab the mic i don't like your fucking attitude and then i go who are you

And then he goes, who am I, bitch? Who the fuck are you? And then we do a mirror thing like this. And then he goes, we'll be right back. And that's, I was like, hit all those beats and then we'll just play. And that's what happened. So with Jer, I go, ask Jason why he didn't call. He's like, I'm sorry, I've been busy. And Jeremiah goes, that's the pie. Yeah, I know. I've seen your movies.

Congrats. And then he's like, hey, and he tries to touch him. And then he puts his hands to push her hair back and gets like pie on his hands and licks his fingers and goes, I forgot how good you taste. And then Jeremiah leans him forward and goes, let me refresh your memory. And then And I give up forever.

Curtain goes up. People went nuts. And they backstage, Jason was like, hey, is it cool? Can we like to kiss? And he was like, I mean, let's go for it. They went for it. And then Steven shot out Hauser, who does all the tech and and builds the, you know, any set stuff we need, build a contraption so he could climax with the pie. And it shot out like five rows deep during. And I do it.

I mean, it was, I mean, I was like holding back tears laughing and Johnny couldn't even get through. I had to fucking step in and sing Iris because he was laughing so hard. So that type of shit in the show.

Oh, I love it. They knew they were in the splash zone. And by the way, who hasn't been squirted on?

We'll be right back.

Bro, I met you... You know what's so crazy? I met you when I was doing the CW reboot of Mad TV. I'll hold for applause. And nobody saw it. They didn't promote it. But that's where I met the makeup gal, Jen Aspinall, who does my film makeup. So worthwhile experience. Also super fun. She was on SNL for 10 years. The original mad national show called Fallout. She did Westworld.

She won an Emmy for doing. Do you see that Pam and Tommy show on Hulu? Yeah. So I played Jay Leno in that for like four episodes and they put me in four hours of prosthetics. She did that. She's a gangster. But yeah, I met you during Extra. Remember, it was you, me, and Jason Derulo. It was like a segment called, like, what? Dude, yeah. Do you still talk to that guy?

No, that was the last time I've seen him. Hilarious. Do you? Yeah, that was fun. Yeah, so we know each other for, yeah.

Yes. The second time. But we did that because we met on Extra and then we stayed in touch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's, it is wild. I mean, it's not lost on me at all. I mean, the rock and jelly roller in the intro, you know, I was like, can you guys do FaceTime videos to like, just to, you know, and they, and they're so good. And, and, uh, Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's a pretty easy formula. Don't be a piece of shit. Be Jewish. You know, like, and that's, no, I'm joking.

I made that joke last night to somebody and nobody laughed. So I can't believe I did it again. Wait, you guys got to come see a live show. Yeah. I mean, we do them at the Comedy Store every month. The next one is Bananas. And they're sold out through June right now. So then how can we get in? Do we get a cent? Come on, man. You got the hot guy?

Yeah, just flash the file files, come with a card or whatever.

There we go.

Oh, I got you guys. I got you. Bring the whole crew. First name again? Justin. Thanks, Justin. I want you to participate.

Great question. My buddy Taylor runs a company called Simply Seattle, and they basically got the rights to all the Seattle sports logos, memorabilia, and they are the one-stop shop for everything Seattle sports. And they actually make their own authentic stuff. But this is the Mariners logo from like early 90s, and I'm just obsessed with it. And I, yeah, I just...

Seattle. Probably not.

I am. That's right. I'm a Green Bay girl. Wait. You should come up to Seattle. I'm going to the Seattle Packers Sunday Night Football game. When? December 15th. Can we go together? Let's make a bet for the game. Are we going together? I mean, I have to get you more. I have to get your tickets.

Don't offer me an opportunity to go to the game with you and then be like, I'm not sure if you can come with me. What I meant by that is I am gauging your level of commitment to it. I'm a diehard Packer fan. Seattle, I've never watched a game. I know Aaron Rodgers. He was going to come to the show. And I met him. I did this Kill Tony episode where I played Joe Biden and Shane Gillis played Trump.

And we did Madison Square Garden and Aaron Rodgers.

Yeah, for sure. And so, yeah. You're saying a lot of trigger words for people out there. I don't know if you saw the rally, but.

And so I went up.

Can I do Obama?

So I'm doing Biden and Aaron Rodgers comes out to throw footballs into the crowd. And I go up to him as Biden and I go, Aaron, I go, big fan. And he very sweetly was like, dude, you're hilarious. I'm a fan. And I go.

And then he was going to come to the Beacon show and throw some footballs into the crowd. But one thing led to another.

He said he will come on the show at some point. They're losing a lot of games right now. Do you follow him because he left? Was that like your guy?

Have you done the Lambo jump? The Lambo leap? I mean, whatever, dude. Tomato, tomato, Ray Romano.

I've been on the field.

Bro, do it, man.

I've done it for Seahawks, and some of them are great homies now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's why the fuck not, dude?

Bro, and it's not like you've got to be like, do you want to hang out? No, I'm just a big fan. Yeah, dude. And then it's on you to keep the correspondence up and check in.

They're like, why am I talking to this guy? Are the Real Housewives fans of the show? Some of them, well. Bro, I watched, you told me to watch the- Salt Lake City. Bro, I haven't seen any of it until I'm hooked. Bro, I don't know why I haven't been watching Real Housewives earlier. I think I saw the Real Housewives of Spunky Twats. What's the one?

Beverly Hills, yeah. Spunky Twats. Spunky Twats. I was trying to, yeah. But you knew what I was talking about. The Salt Lake City one is wild. And I'm going to be there this weekend. So I'm like, oh, do I hit up like Todd and be like, dude, you need a break. You need a break, dude. And come spend your money on something you want to do. Because Bronwyn is sucking the life out of you.

No, we love Bronwyn. We do? Yeah, we had her on. She's on yesterday.

They're very cool. And here's what I will say. She definitely seems like she's got the most genuine energy out of all of them.

And also I'm like, oh, I feel like you really, because I first see them together and I'm like, oh, is this a gold digging situation? And then I watch the rest of the episode. I'm like, no, they seem pretty into each other. And that rules. Browen went to work two days after she had a baby. Dude, that's gangster.

Isn't that also not good?

It's not giving gold digger. It's not giving gold digger.

But like, but what, why aren't you supposed to like take it easy? She was a single mom. This is before Todd. Before Todd? She gotta do what she gotta do.

Raise your hand if you were raised by a single mom. Justin?

That felt judgmental. Why did you assume Justin didn't have a dad? Because he looks like he cuts his own hair. And that's a single mom thing. Oh, wow.

All jokes, dude. You got a better body than me. Now is... Yeah, single mom. So single mom too?

Don't you feel like when you look at people with two parents, you go, you greedy bastard.

Oh, you have two parents?

And you're sad.

Yeah.

You know his name? You know his name?

Was he joking?

100%.

oh wow you would be eating all that all those donuts can we stop commenting on people's food habit like this also goes for tsa i once walked through tsa and yeah i brought a burrito on and yeah maybe it was fucking smelling a little too good and people were like dude what's and they always check your bag and take the food out and the guy goes who a burrito he goes oh somebody's hungry and i'm like what the fuck dude like what do you like and so the fat kid in me is like i shouldn't have it you know like oh god it was a

And I scarfed it in front of him. I actually, I ate it real sexual too, like real slow. And I was like, By the way, TSA is getting real handsy. Are they? The guy definitely, I walked through the security last week. Yeah, they'll cup your balls. Do they cup your balls? They fucking, it's like, do you mind if I use the back of my hand in my mouth? You're like, what was that last thing?

I mean, it's getting real aggressive. Wait, Thanksgiving, you guys fired up. We are days away. This episode is the Thanksgiving episode, it looks like.

Awesome.

Your family has an animal farm?

That's fucking very hallmark.

That's awesome. Wait a second. So many questions. Is it an animal farm that you can go visit? Like, do they sell tickets?

peacocks peacocks are cute i feel like we're just breezing over the casual that you have an alligator on property there's an alligator yeah you gotta open with that he lives in a pond of course he does what do you feed it he doesn't stay in the guest room we don't feed him anything wait um we don't encourage him to live there but he just does yeah they they have no problem i mean what if one day you're just out there having a cocktail and you forget that what's his name

Thank God.

I was going to have an issue. If you guys were like, he's not Ramon.

Quiet.

Handsy dude. Yeah. Or chompy, right?

The peacock. Don't they, like, chase you down? Aren't they fucking ravenous?

So you're going back there for the wedding to relive the magic?

She'll do a Bravo show. Surgeon in the Mountains.

He's going to teach me how to shoot. What does he hunt? Can't he just play duck hunt and fucking jerk off and call it a night? Like, what's with all the fucking stab? Anyway, we're shooting guns this Thanksgiving.

What are you going to shoot, man? I don't know.

Yeah, a target. Okay, cool. I'm a dad now, man. I hear you. You got it. Yeah, dude. And there's a lot of people that are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs out there. And you got to have your wits about you.

Bro, I mean, I got to get off Citizens app. And my wife is, shout out, best thing that's ever happened to me. Big fan of you, by the way, too. Well, too big of a fan. By the way, she was so pumped for me. Is she going to go to the game with us? No, you'll probably take her ticket.

You snooze, you lose. No, she was so like, this is a big podcast. I'm like really making sure like I look nice and presentable enough and just was like, and really I was, you know, when you were like, watch the episode, I like finished it this morning. And she, like, I'd look away at one point and was like, I had to do something. She's like, babe, watch it. Like, you're going to have to talk.

Like, really, just really wanted me to be prepared. And anyway, shout out. But she keeps me up a lot because she's on Citizens app. And I don't know if you gals are on it.

Citizens app. It gives you updates. It's a way to fill up on the fears before you go to bed. Hey, don't like sleeping? Hey.

There's a guy buck naked in a tree holding a machete. Yeah. You're like, what the fuck am I going to do about it? There's a guy dressed as Jack Sparrow carrying a Coinstar machine down Fairfax. You're like, that feels like more. That feels like my neighborhood. Yeah. Yeah. That's just Nick on a Tuesday. Yeah. What'd you go as for Halloween? A farmer. A farmer.

My God.

Feels like a big reason to have a kid. The cute costumes.

No, I'm all right. Nick, when you were 10. Yes, of course.

look if there's an opportunity for a joke i have to take it wait i have to ask you and that got a big pop from uh please i do want to see it why dr phil wasn't it oh my god that face that's actually wildly cute and i'm wow so these are the types of kids where you go all right i can do it yeah or i want to do it yeah look how she great eyes i know

She's so curious and also like, I wish I could speak because maybe I wanted to be a cucumber.

No, she's loving life.

No, that strawberry outfit is very cute. So funny, a friend of mine just asked me today, he's like, so did you sit down and make a list of daytime talk show hosts and go, who's the funniest? I go, no. Again, when I got to a point when I was like, all right, I need to just invest in myself and make the show that I would want to make and make a palette of it and just...

you know, get back to when I was the happiest, which was doing when YouTube hit, I was doing a lot of sketches every couple of weeks, write a sketch, get these buddies, James and Dave Cadiglia, who shoot the Dr. Phil show. So I've been shooting videos for me for 20 years and we would shoot for all day. I'd pay them in coffees and dinners, and then we would stay up all night editing.

And they were like special effects gurus, worked for George Lucas and J.J. Abrams. So comedy videos were like a nice break for them. I'm sorry, am I boring you?

You fought that hard.

I once locked eyes with a guy while he was yawning and I thought he was trying to eat my soul and take my spirit. Like I looked at him across from a coffee bean and he was like, And I was like, oh, God.

Yeah, it is.

Oh, yeah, going all the way back.

My wife hates when I yawn because I don't, like, try to hide it in. It's just like, I feel like it's almost like, you just got to let it out.

No.

No.

Wait, let's all do it, and Justin, you judge if it's, who has the best fake yawn.

Yeah. Oh, sure you do.

Really good. Nick can brush him, by the way.

Fuck what is a better answer, by the way? Fuck what?

That's also, you're putting, that's a wild question.

Yeah.

What? I don't like I mean is it does mankind rely on it are you dead I once dated a girl she was like would you rather can I ask you something I was like oh this is not going to be good what's up can you like look at me can you look at me when I tell you pay your phone down you're still holding it can you thank you Would you rather drown to death or be burned alive?

And it makes this phrase after like, what a fun game I just started. And I'm like, ever heard of charades or Parcheesi? And then I'm like, what are you plotting, by the way?

Can I say neither and finish Narcos?

Have you seen this? No.

Do you guys watch, what is your show? What is your? We have so many shows.

We're watching Lioness right now.

All your Love is Blind coverage has been amazing. Thank you, Adam. Like truly. And it's a very cool thing that you've like, I mean, getting some of these people on the next day.

Wild, dude. And very cool. And the show Kwame from the Seattle season has become a good buddy of mine. Yeah. You know, we've met a few times. He's the fucking man, dude. And Marshall, I think, lives out here now. But they we did Dr. Phil live in Seattle and I had on Sean Kemp and Joel McHale. And we had the fish market guys come and we did a game called we threw fish.

It was like Seattle trivia with Joel McHale and every correct answer. I go, turn on the lights. Who wants to catch a fucking fish? And then we just threw these giant like 30 pound salmons into the crowd. And it was, you know, people go nuts over free T-shirts at sporting events, free fish. Crazy.

But anyway, so Kwame came on and we did a little like dating advice thing and we should figure that out with you at some point for an ep. And anyway, but just sweetheart. But this last season was wild. Not my fave.

My stand-ups?

Are you talking about like, have you been on the Shrek 40 ride at Universal?

They're just donkey sneezes on you and you get... Yeah.

Rooting the hardest for? Yeah. Or you said riding the hardest for. He's a riding, but... Riding is a cool... Same thing, right? I think I knew what you meant, but I was like, this is hot guy slang. Yeah.

Let's go.

I definitely, yeah.

Oh my God, out of curious. Is that what you say?

Well, he's so tired from all these fake youngs.

He doesn't have time to say the whole word.

I'm a dad now, you know? You're a dad now. You're crushing it. Wait, um...

My wife.

Oh, yeah. She got me a coffee this morning. That's so nice. She's a gangster. You guys would love her. We'll hang sometime.

Really?

Let's go. And Amanda was also the name of a girl I went to elementary school with.

Who had fangs for her teeth.

Like she chiseled them? Or she went to Hot Topic.

And she had like crazy fang teeth. You know, everybody had fucked up teeth in fifth and sixth grade. Speak for yourself. Buries too much. Did just perfect teeth?

Good for you.

Yeah, but that makes you.

You know what's crazy?

I love it. You know what's crazy? Never change that.

No, I'm right. Nick, when you were.

Tell me.

That is actually bananas, right?

That is crazy.

How does that happen?

So fucking funny. Are you going to be the family that puts the tooth on a string and slams the door to get the loose tooth out?

That shit, I still think about that.

Yeah, and it wasn't even my dad. It was just a guy that he hired. No, it was my dad. Was that child abuse? It was the 90s, baby.

But that is fucked. I mean, I remember them putting it around, and then I was like, what? wait, wait, hold on. And before he's like, I'm going to count to three. I was like, okay, okay. You know, and I was naked for some reason. And he was like, well, let's, sorry, it was too much. And I go, I go, all right, wait, wait, wait. And he's like one. And then just slammed it.

And, but then it came out and I swallowed my first tooth. Yikes. Did it come out?

i got it i got it i got a dollar he doesn't like to talk restroom talk really he doesn't do i don't i don't go i don't go out of my way to go to the bathroom no i'm just not like let's you shit your pants wow good to know fun facts immediately yeah that's yeah see it's so bad i'm like what are you doing that looks like you're having a stroke what's your favorite impression to do

Dr. Drew is good. I don't do. Dr. Drew. Dr. Pepper. That's what I mean. All the doctors. Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. I'll get you, Gadget, next time. That's pretty good. Yeah. My first impression, I think, was I did maybe a Kermit the Frog. And then I did a Bill Clinton early on. You know, all the ones that were.

One of my first impressions, I go, this is Splinter from Ninja Turtles at the ATM machine, realizing that he overdrew his account. That's it.

I can do Jason Statham finding out that he actually parked in a handicapped spot. I can do Nicholas Cage stubbing his toe in the dishwasher. Justin! I can do Ray Romano finding out that the Peloton he ordered is actually going to be delayed and won't arrive in time for his Peloton holiday party. You gotta be kidding me.

Yes, I can do Nick Vile looking for his spare air pod. Here we go.

I've been noticing you hold the mic real close.

Babe, I'm curious. Babe. No, I'm in the bathroom. Don't come in here. Don't come in here.

I'm just not like, let's. Hey, man, we get it.

Wait, who am I writing in Love is Blind? This season, look, man, I love the drama. That's why you watch. You watch because you, you know, for Jimmy and Chelsea, for example, right? The wall comes up, Jimmy's like...

you know like you want to see them and then have to figure it out you know and that's that you know the getting to know each other with just your personality and then you know by the way the some of the questions are pretty wild i did like the um uh what's his name the art guy uh ari leo yeah uh he was just so 100 himself and you know love it or hate it couldn't get enough

Wish she would have stayed on the show. Blonde girl, Hannah?

Hannah and Nick. Hannah, the mean, the bully. Yeah, that was unfortunate. She really like, I think she probably, I mean, the reunion, I think seemed like she felt a little remorse, but then not really. No, she had every opportunity to completely.

And I also, I'm like, I think he got the short end of that stick as far as like, I mean, maybe he, then they try to put him on blast for saying some things.

Why go on that show and be... There's so many... Unless you just completely forget that the cameras are on and you're just such a...

biatch but like it was just like give like cut him some slut like making a deal but then also it's like sometimes you look like watching the um last episode of real housewives of salt lake city like like they were at the table i think um in dinner and uh and lisa was like um hey so can we just talk about um i think it was to angie she goes uh let's talk about like our feelings and the feelings that you had and we didn't really finish our conversation can we just talk about and she's like let's talk about it and

And she's like, I just feel like that you're, what you say is like not the truth. And then she's like, Lisa, you say so much nasty stuff. It's not even funny. It's literally to quote Justin, not even funny. And, and then she was like, I've never said anything bad about you ever. And then I think it was Sean was like, oh yeah, I have video on my phone of you calling her a fucking bitch.

What was that about? What was that about? Yeah. And then it was like, on the next Real Housewives. And then it cuts back. And then she's like, I never called her a bitch. And then it cuts to Sean. And he's like, I have video for calling her a bitch. And then they rode race cars. And then the newlywed game was fun.

But a lot of forced drama, I feel like, in that show as well, right?

Housewives? Salt Lake City?

They boost it a little bit, and they probably like it.

Salt Lake is a wild city, too, man. There's people walking around with bow and arrows, and it's not Joe Rogan. It's just random people with bows and arrows. You can't drink, I think, after 9 p.m. Yeah, that's a problem.

Small town, yeah. We started to watch this show. We thought it was going to be a documentary about the Mormon wives. Secret life of Mormon wives.

Is it? It's good. Because we started watching it and we were like, oh, we thought it was going to be a doc.

It is a doc.

Okay. Bye.

And they're reunited and they just all were banging around, right?

With each other and then.

Amanda will like it. Who's Fruity Pebbles?

No, it's what is Fruity Pebbles?

Wait, remember that jingle? The red, orange, lemon, purple, orange, lemon, red, but to get the Fruity Pebbles, I gotta trick Fred. Never. You know Fruity Pebbles is a cereal, right?

I mean, it was from the Flintstones. I'm Cocoa Pebbles.

Was that your nickname in middle school? I wish. Cocoa Pebbles. That'd be great. You're Cocoa over Fruity, huh? Who's your favorite Flintstones character? Barney. Great answer. Can you do a Barney impression? No. Hey, yo, Fred. Try that. Hey, yo, Fred. Not bad.

Can you teach me how to do impressions? No, I'm all right. When you were, yes, of course. Yeah, great. That was great. At the game? You just got to, I mean, you just got to be, I mean, hearing it in your head matters. And then you just got to try, you know, like you just did. You just committed. You just jumped into the bit boat. Let me give you another one. RFK. Oh, boy. I'll do it first. Ready?

Because Alec Baldwin's RFK was not good. No. I'm just going to say it. You gotta get the really about you. There it is. Yeah. I mean, it's really digging the deep in the back here. And that's not even, that's, that's more of like a, like a, you know, I, I was high school valedictorian. That's like the smoker. You know, then I started smoking cigarettes and now I charge people to fuck my neck.

Like, you know, that's, that's smokers voice, but RFK is, A little more, maybe just raspy, right? There you go. There you go. Wow, good job. I will make America healthy again by having all the fat kids feed the worm in my head, you know?

Just joke, Adam. Take a joke. Take a fucking joke. It's all jokes. Take a fucking joke.

I'm a big fan of hit him and hug him, you know? We all got to be fucked with.

Yeah, always, right? You don't have to make people feel bad, but everyone's got to be fucked with. No one's off limits. Can I get another Joe and another Donald? Yeah. Arnold Palmer had a schlongy schlong. Remember that? Dude, the fucking prompter goes out and he's like, Arnold Palmer, beautiful, beautiful guy. Wish I, wish I could.

Me too. Joe Biden checked out an alley. Do you smell your head?

Awesome. Is Barack so fucking cool?

One of the, if not the coolest president I think we've ever had. And it's, you know, look, it's like comedy. It's all subjective. Even if you didn't vote for him, you can't argue the swag.

he is swagalicious shooting fucking hoops with LeBron and D Wade and hitting threes like and and just cool man but you know Clinton I guess playing the sax was cool but Barack just was like I don't know dude also you know like we talk about genuine drama on Salt Lake Housewives Barack just like was articulate and it didn't it just felt like who he was right like oh you're just a smooth guy so hopefully that was you know that translated into the president's yeah

You're fading off there.

Oh, shit. It's all good. I'll be late.

Do we need to go, though? We do need to go. But we did an hour, right? We crushed. This was so fun. That was so much fun.

Pleasure to meet you guys.

Plug, plug away. Please plug, plug, plug. The special, it's out now on Netflix. It's called Adam Reyes, Dr. Phil Unleashed. Please watch it. Keep it running. Tell the players, the haters, the lovers of your life. The kids can watch it. Don't let the kids watch it. Let them watch it.

Actually, I showed my brother's family guy when they were nine and they have amazing senses of humor that my tour, Adam Ray, comedy dot com, all my stand up. And we have a big Dr. Phil live theater tour. We're doing celebrity theater in Arizona coming up. Twenty six hundred in the round sold out.

san diego civic theater sold out but then we got you know denver atlanta austin boston uh chicago theater uh which is almost sold out and that's in march so we might add a show um we'll get nikki on a show uh you guys will come out uh packers seahawks about last night is my podcast uh my special is called like and subscribe it's on youtube um and uh i think that's it thanks for having me thanks for coming fucking blast so fun great time

Let's do it again. I'll come back on as a full Dr. Phil next time. Love. Great. Yeah. All right. We'll see you guys next time. Bye.

$60,000.

It's just the Beatles.

He's so high. Whoa. We'll sing a long time.

Yeah.

Pull it up.

Sunday's the day for my next bender A bit of Piverec, you know the beer juice close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way

He did.