Al Murray

You're still talking about the Labour leadership contest.

Before we wrap this up, can you give us your prediction for the coming month?

No, no, no, let me speak.

There is no time for that, Nigel.

You need my help.

Who the hell are you?

I am Martin Lewis, money-saving expert...

And I am here to help.

Now, I believe you recently came into some money.

I don't know what you're talking about.

A £5 million gift from a Thai-based crypto billionaire.

No, no, no.

Look, I have made it crystal clear where that money came from.

It matters not where you got it from, it matters how you invest it.

Listen carefully, you must do exactly as I say.

Place half of the £5 million into an index-linked bond, put the other half into Nazi memorabilia.

Take the money out of the bond at the start of the financial year and put it into a 0% interest credit card.

You take the money from that account into a high-interest saver.

You put the interest into an account with cashback and then you switch that and get a switching fee.

Then you convert the Nazi memorabilia into gold bars, melt them down and turn them into humorous door knockers.