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Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4

Dead Ringers: Ep1. Keir vs Kemi

19 Jun 2026

Transcription

Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.

Chapter 1: What is the main topic of this episode?

0.031 - 3.679

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK.

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6.258 - 29.87 Duncan Wisbey

The new houses in Tampere's Kissanmaa district of TWA were demolished by residents last year. All the houses were rented quickly and the return has been exceptional. Now 83 new, modern and quality rental houses in Hipposkyläkuja 8 will be built in the area. The houses are ready to be moved in the first of May and the application is already underway.

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29.89 - 34.797 Duncan Wisbey

Find your own home at tampereenvuokra-asunnot.fi.

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34.777 - 57.002 Carine Torbey

People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister for now.

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59.345 - 95.964 Al Murray

Depending on how bad the potholes are in Maker Field. In recent days, certain reprehensible individuals have sought to create panic, chaos and disorder in this country, to foster division for their own ends. Neighbour has turned upon neighbour. Appeals for calm have been ignored. But my message to those responsible is clear. Up yours, John Healy. I never liked you.

98.129 - 132.847 Al Murray

And I've already turned your resignation letter into a paper aeroplane, thus doubling the UK's air defences. Hello and welcome to Match of the Day. The World Cup has finally begun. And that whistle means you can now officially hang up an England flag without looking racist. Now, I'm joined by England captain Harry Kane.

133.367 - 158.955

Ah, hello, Gabby. All I've seen to be speaking to you today is, ah, why has this dream come true earlier? Yeah. So, Harry, how are you feeling at the moment? Yeah, well, you know, obviously I'm, like, incredibly excited, nervous, like, you know, all the normal things, really, when there's a huge competition just round the corner. And does that play on your mind at all?

158.995 - 173.577

Nothing plays on my mind, Gabby. As I think everyone could tell. But, listen, people have worked their whole lives to be in this position, you know. Let's face it, it's not every day you get a Labour leadership contest.

175.784 - 176.565 Al Murray

Sorry, what?

Chapter 2: How is World Cup fever impacting the UK?

189.845 - 202.738

You know, I really like all the tactics because it looks like Burnham is playing on the false left wing position. which, obviously, Starmer mastered all those years ago before moving out to the right.

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203.299 - 208.386 Al Murray

Sorry, Harry, this is Match of the Day. Can we talk about football? For example, the controversy surrounding FIFA.

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208.967 - 216.638

Oh, yeah, you know, to my mind, it's a group of out-of-touch people who've made dodgy decision after dodgy decision.

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217.579 - 221.525 Al Murray

You're still talking about the Labour leadership contest.

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221.545 - 223.307

Yeah, I am, Gabby, to be honest, yeah, yeah.

224.57 - 228.395 Al Murray

Before we wrap this up, can you give us your prediction for the coming month?

229.317 - 238.109

Yeah, well, you know, obviously tears, disappointment and a very angry nation. And the football? We're getting knocked out on penalties.

243.316 - 278.918 Al Murray

No, no, no, let me speak. There is no time for that, Nigel. You need my help. Who the hell are you? I am Martin Lewis, money-saving expert... And I am here to help. Now, I believe you recently came into some money. I don't know what you're talking about. A £5 million gift from a Thai-based crypto billionaire. No, no, no. Look, I have made it crystal clear where that money came from.

278.938 - 300.544 Al Murray

It matters not where you got it from, it matters how you invest it. Listen carefully, you must do exactly as I say. Place half of the £5 million into an index-linked bond, put the other half into Nazi memorabilia. Take the money out of the bond at the start of the financial year and put it into a 0% interest credit card. You take the money from that account into a high-interest saver.

Chapter 3: What are the implications of recent government resignations?

513.043 - 548.029 Al Murray

Before I moved into Number 10 Downing Street. I was only routinely depressed, like an Eeyore plush toy left in a puddle. But by the time I left, life seemed to me utterly hopeless. Chilling stuff. And this previous resident also seemed very disturbed by his stay, as his hair was standing on end and completely white. LAUGHTER Did living in Number 10 mess with Bozza's head?

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549.231 - 577.275 Al Murray

Well, I do remember trying to write my Shakespeare biography and just sitting, sitting at a typewriter, typing out, all work and no play makes Boris a dull boy. And then there was this river of blood coming down the corridor. But it could have just been red wine from one of my parties. I don't know. And this woman seems to have gone completely and utterly insane.

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577.295 - 587.757 Jan Ravens

I know! But it wasn't me. I was as sane as a rabbit.

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589.053 - 626.942 Al Murray

Everyone else in the country went totes bonkers while I remained the only sensible person in the UK with my inspired mini-budget which replaced the Bank of England governor with a signed photo of David Cassidy. Hashtag dreamboat. Did you miss me? Bloody hell is. But now things are about to get truly frightening.

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626.962 - 660.534 Al Murray

They say that if you climb the stairs in this house, go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and say education three times. Hello, Danny. Sunken forehead, dead behind the ice grin, billionaire hand gesture. It's Tony Blair. That's right. I am Prime Minister, Danny. This is my home. But you haven't been Prime Minister for 20 years. Oh, Danny, I've always been Prime Minister. And I always will be.

661.115 - 692.921 Al Murray

Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Join me next week on uncanny as I travel stateside to spend a night in the spookiest house in Washington DC haunted by a killer clown With scary makeup and tiny rotting hands Dear England, it's me, David Beckham.

693.501 - 723.057 Al Murray

You might have seen that as the World Cup kicks off, I've been honoured with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, halfway between Bob Hoskins and Mickey Mouse, just like my voice. As we begin the 2026 World Cup, I have a message for anyone wishing to turn this noble, beautiful competition into a tawdry, cynical, purely money-making exercise. I am available. Because I will flog anything.

723.198 - 754.293 Al Murray

Watches, vacuum cleaners, laptops, perfume, coffee, underpants, and problematic regimes with appalling human rights records. I'm basically the Argos catalogue, but with less of a spine. There is no product I won't sacrifice my remaining dignity for as long as the price is right. And I do have a gap in my schedule as my long-term endorsement of helium gas is about to come to an end.

757.301 - 772.591 Al Murray

Yours greedily, David. You're listening to PM with me, Evan Davis. I'm smooth all over, like one of those weird hairless cats you see on YouTube.

Chapter 4: How does the Downing Street haunting add to the narrative?

1746.222 - 1767.501

Dared Ringers was performed by John Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson, Duncan Wisby and Lewis MacLeod. It was written by Nev Fountain and Tom Jamison, Lawrence Howard, Sophie Dixon, Joe Topping and John Holmes. Additional material by Jennifer Walker, Katie Sayre, Rachel E. Thorne and Lizzie Mansfield, Rebecca Bay and Cooper Marwini-Swirt. With original music by Duncan Wisby.

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1767.521 - 1776.469

Dared Ringers is a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. It was created by Bill Dare and is produced and directed by John Holmes. So.

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1780.293 - 1803.219 Russell Kane

Greetings malevolent munchkins, fiendish friends and devilish do-gooders. Welcome back to the home of the oxymoron. Evil genius! I'm Russell Kane and I'm delighted to be steering the ship that unceremoniously wrenches historic figures from their perfect pedestals so that we can decide whether they're evil, genius or a heavy concoction of the two.

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1803.239 - 1818.248 Russell Kane

It's like the podcast version of telling your kids the ice cream van plays music when it's out of ice cream. Yes, it's evil. Yes, it's genius. Get on board now and listen to Evil Genius on BBC Sounds.

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1820.894 - 1849.298 Duncan Wisbey

TVA Tampere's new houses in Kissanmaa last year received a lot of attention. All the houses were rented quickly and the return has been exceptional. Now 83 new, modern and high-quality rental houses in Hipposkyläkuja 8 will be built in the area. The houses are ready to be moved on the 1st of June and the application is already underway. Find your own home at tampereenvuokra-asunnot.fi.

1849.565 - 1873.319 Duncan Wisbey

Olen Shannon Maldonado, käsintehtyjä artesaanituotteita myyvän Jaui lahjakaupan perustaja. Valitsin Shopify, koska alustoja testatessani totesin sen ehdottomasti yhdeksi helppokäyttöisimmistä alustoista. Minulla oli tärkeää pohtia kehittymistämme tulevaisuudessa. Kaikki myyntiin tarvittavat työkalut, kuten varaston suunnittelu, ovat kätevästi dashboardissa.

1873.98 - 1877.445 Duncan Wisbey

Aloita ilmainen kokeilu shopify.com-sivustolla.

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