Alain De Botton

That might not be that interesting.

You come across somebody who feels the temptation of anger, but wants to work it through with you in your company, and that together you might heal from this problem.

That can be deeply satisfying for people.

So if we want to be optimistic about the patterns people are involved with, I don't think people are invested in suffering forever.

They're interested in finding a way out of the pattern.

But they need to be close to that pattern in order to feel that thing we call desire.

That desire is often ignited by proximity to a pattern of pain that was experienced in the past.

Well, look, I'm interested in what you're saying.

It's interesting you say she received warm love from her dad and the dance on his shoes, etc.

But when you come close to her, she goes, no, and pushes you slightly away.

So that suggests a pattern...

avoidance on her part and even though she may have at some points had love maybe there are complexities there and maybe you picked her you said you were quite interested in you know rejection and whatever and maybe she rejects you just as much as you need to be rejected in order to feel you're in love and

If she rejected you too much, you might flee.

Yes.

If she didn't reject you at all, you might think, oh, I'm not sure I can get that feeling.

So it's possible that you've worked out between you a happy medium where...

you know, in the classic attachment theory, you are just anxious enough for her love and she is just avoidant enough that it works and that it's, you know, the great trick in love is where are people standing, too close or not close enough?

If people can find the right distance from one another, it can work.

But I would be interested to, you know, if she were here, to ask, you know, what was it about her relationship with her parents and her early experience of love

that means that when you hunger for her love, it's a bit much and she feels the need to go away and keep you at bay.