Alain De Botton: How To Make Real Connections | GREAT MOMENTS
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What challenges do we face in making real connections today?
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Hello everyone, I'm Jamie Lang and this is Great Moments. Hey guys, how you doing? Welcome back to another Great Moments. Today I'm really excited for you to listen to this because we have got Alain de Botton on Great Moments. Now, this episode is still one of those episodes that people come up to you on the street and say, I love that episode, Jamie. It's so good. It's full of just eye-opening conversations that I never thought I'd have. Now, I love the way Alain looks at life. He's so measured and kind of thoughtful and has so much knowledge to share. So in this great moment, he talks about what love really means in adult relationships, where the ick actually comes from. And he had some really interesting stuff to say about comedians and why they often come from unhappy childhoods.
All of that is in the episode. I also asked Alan about my own relationship with my wife, Sophie, which was very risky. I have to admit, because he's a relationship expert, and he also shared some fascinating stuff about attachment styles. Okay, I really hope you enjoy this Great Moments. And don't forget to go and check out other amazing guests on Great Company. Just search Great Company wherever you get your podcasts. And if you like this little clip, click on the show notes, click on the link, and it'll take you to the full episode. And don't forget to subscribe. Okay, enjoy this Great Moments with Alain de Bottin.
entertainment was not a choice. It was a necessity. They needed to entertain because someone around them, maybe many people around them, couldn't quite bear certain things. So I've noticed just sort of empirically that people who are very funny often grew up in circumstances that were not funny at all and where the humor that they're excellent at deploying is essentially a way of diffusing the rage and the difficult moods of people around. So it's not so much just a skill like any other. It's a survival skill that people have honed. in order to manage the very difficult people around them. So, you know, I mean, we kind of know that in popular way, the melancholy clown, etc. But it really does tend to have origins in humour being something that you learn...
Because otherwise people are a little too serious and often too angry.
That's interesting you say that because I remember Jimmy Carr saying, people always ask me if I'm depressed. That's why I'm a comedian. But actually you should ask if my parents were depressed. Perfect. Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. I mean, very often the wit of the child is there to ward off the parents' depression. Really? Yeah. Listen, children come into the world, and all of us are honed by nature to figure out, what do I need to do here to survive? I mean, literally, that's how one should imagine every child. What do I need to do here to survive? Not necessarily survive physically, though, of course, yes, physically as well, but psychologically, mentally, what do I need to do? In some families, you need to excel academically. In some families, you need to fail academically. In some families, you need to be very witty. In some families, you need to be invisible. Why would you need to fail in some families? Well, the classic one is parental envy.
I mean, it's an awkward fact, but some parents are hugely envious of their own children, and they cannot bear that their child, who they've put on the earth, should be happier than they've managed to be. And so therefore, the child has to take early retirement from various things. And the child ends up thinking, oh, I'm bad at maths or whatever.
How does Alain de Botton define love in adult relationships?
Maybe. Or is there someone who would be rather frightened if you were better at maths? So families are difficult places and dynamics occur that really go way beyond what we're ordinarily prepared to tolerate. What does love mean? If you mean kind of adult romantic relationships, adult romantic relationships are a kind of litmus test of our emotional development.
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