Alec Baldwin

Listen to Here's the Thing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Alec Baldwin. This past season on my podcast, Here's the Thing, I spoke with more actors, musicians, policymakers, and so many other fascinating people, like writer and actor Dan Aykroyd.

Listen to Here's the Thing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Alec Baldwin. This past season on my podcast, Here's the Thing, I spoke with more actors, musicians, policymakers, and so many other fascinating people, like writer and actor Dan Aykroyd.

Hey, it's Alec Baldwin. This past season on my podcast, Here's the Thing, I spoke with more actors, musicians, policymakers, and so many other fascinating people like writer and actor Dan Aykroyd.

And actor and comedian Jack McBrayer.

Listen to Here's the Thing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Yeah.

Well, the trigger wasn't pulled. I didn't pull the trigger. So you never pulled the trigger? No, no, no, no. I would never point a gun at anyone and pull a trigger at them. Never.

Hey, it's Alec Baldwin. This season on my podcast, Here's the Thing, I speak with California Governor Gavin Newsom. I watch Fox.

It's been engulfed by the fires.

Listen to the new season of Here's the Thing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What's the matter? Happy face. A son lost his mom in the most unthinkable tragedy. This is never something to forget. And we're trying to parent through it.

Hi, I'm Hilaria Baldwin.

And we have an announcement to make.

No, definitely not. We're done having kids.

I've seen one of the loves of her life naked.

He was one of the loves of her life. I mean, we'd go see him on Broadway, and he was naked. We went to go see Take Me Out, the musical that our dear friend Scott Ellis directed, and all these baseball players were in the locker room, and they were all turned around naked with their dongs hanging out. And he's there, her boyfriend, and I recognize him. I've met him before.

Whoa. We go out into the lobby. We meet them all. And her boyfriend comes, and I'm like, hey, how you doing?

And you can't pay attention to what he's saying. He's standing right here talking to me. I'm sitting there looking. I'm going, and he's looking at me going, yeah, you know, the show and this and that. And I'm like, you have, like... A baseball bat that you stuff into your pants every day. How would that work for you? Let's move on from that subject.

Oh, it's so hard. It's so hard, yeah. It's a good question. I think it's because you don't want it to be dull. If you showed the way our life really is, you'd get it after like an hour. You kind of feel the desire to make it more silly than it might be.

Cut me out.

What's the word for essential in Spanish?

Um, yeah.

I hope people read my wife's book and realize what. Like an unusually amazing woman she is. My wife is probably one of the most special people. She is probably the most special person I've ever met in my life. Her qualities are so... The combinations are kind of mind-blowing. Anyway.

The Ilaria show.

It's going to be great. You're a winner.

I predict now on television, on American television, that season two is going to be you and Carmen. It's going to be the two of them.

So when I bought this house, it was a cold winter day in December of 95. In the Hamptons. Chronoline, is that okay with the noise of those people?

It's emblematic. This is my wife's bathroom. Toilet, sink, shower in here. My bathroom's around the corner. My little cabin bathroom.

That's really funny that you would say that.

Okay, I want to tell you something, okay? And I want to leave a message for you right now, because again, it's 10.30 here in New York on a Wednesday. And once again, I made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I stop whatever I'm doing, and I go when I make that phone call.

call at 11 o'clock in the morning in new york and if you don't pick up the phone at 10 o'clock at night and you don't even have that goddamn phone turned on i want you to know something okay i'm tired of playing this game with you i'm leaving this message with you to tell you you have insulted me for the last time you have insulted me you don't have the brains or the decency

As a human being, I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old or 11 years old or that you're a child or that your mother is a thorn with pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone. And when I come out here next week, I'm going to fly out there for the day. just to straighten you out on this issue.

I'm going to let you know just how disappointed in you I am and how angry I am with you that you've done this to me again. You've made me feel like shit and you've made me feel like a fool over and over and over again. And as crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother and you do it to me constantly and over and over again.

I am gonna get on a plane or I'm gonna come out there for the day and I'm gonna straighten your ass out when I see you. Do you understand me? I'm gonna really make sure you get it. I'm going to turn around and I'm going to come home. So you better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. So I'm going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are.

You are a rude, faultless little pig, okay? To be played as much. Hey, I want to...

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Hey, it's Alec Baldwin. This season on my podcast, Here's the Thing, I speak with California Governor Gavin Newsom.

It's been engulfed by the fires.

Listen to the new season of Here's the Thing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

He was doing a terrible impression of me.

It's amazing how, boy, she is very fertile. I know, right? He started at what, like 55 he started having these kids? Because he's got to be. No, he's got to be older. Look at him.

You went to Hawaii with him for a week.

That's true. It was a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven kids.

How old is he? He's got to be 65. There is actually, you can see he's got some Instagrams. He's probably mid-50s when he started.

Yeah, and I know from other people, yeah. And A.J. Benz used to send me back, Bill Maher doesn't like your impression. It was a random story, but I was dating somebody who he liked and invited her. So I understand why he didn't be there. Oh, weird. But I think he was interested in her sexually. He already knew of the impression? Not at that point. But this, him just like, I don't know.

Full head of hair. Rust 2.

No, I never met him. He's got an Instagram. If you want to see, you could read through that. He does seem miserable. He's like, sure, I miss, you know, golf with the friends and poker nights and going to the movies and just lists like for 20 minutes. But they're great. I love them. I love my kids. I love my kids. Yeah. 20 more things.

No. Now it's one or none. Well, it's like people aren't – people have been being more honest and you just – Yeah. Whenever I meet people, they're like, don't do it. They're just like, it's real hard. It's not a –

What's Dan Aderman's joke about this? Oh, yeah. About the car? He's like, yeah, they don't sell it like a car. Oh. This thing, it's a lot of work, you know, there's going to be good days and bad days.

so what do you on the road do you do the impressions or do you do an act you know i uh i just started to incorporate them more because i do feel like um people like impressions and i uh oh people love them i actually been writing music and i have this one song i'm writing right now that uh oh no like a bunch of yeah yeah the music guy now come on yeah guitar on the road

I have them put a piano out for me. All right. And I have a band. Sometimes I bring the band with me. It's really fun, yeah.

Yeah, we perform at Joe's Pub. You know Joe's Pub here? Yeah, we do that every few months. Wow. Look, I know you look down on guitar comics, but that's what I am. That's what I am now. No. That's me. You going to get an easel? I might. Oh, come on. I do...

Favorite guitar comic. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ.

No. What do you think, folks?

Okay.

It's a lawsuit. Yeah. Man. That's why I got a lot of views on it.

I just felt like this was like him being like, I don't know who he was. Like, he's a nobody. When like, I know he knows who I am. And then this other woman came up to me in Whole Foods. And she was, I just have to tell you, I was like a waitress on Bill, waitress on Bill Maher's plane. And I went up to her and said, have you seen Kyle Dunning's impression of you?

First time I did stand-up, two weeks earlier, a guy died. In the crowd? A comedian killed a heckler guy. What? Yeah. What? Like stabbed his eye with a stick.

Yeah.

No, after the show, like in the parking lot. And I was like, cool business. Holy shit. Wait, which comedian was this? I don't even know. It was such a shitty, it wasn't even like a comedy club. It was like they had magic and open mic thing. Yeah. I don't remember. And he murdered an audience member? He murdered some guy. This is what this guy told me. I was like, oh. He goes home to his wife.

How was your set? I killed one guy. Killed a person. Hi, how are you? Yeah. Nice to meet you there, Kyle. Hey.

And he turned away from me and he wouldn't answer me. And then they made me sit in the back of the plane. I didn't get a tip. Oh, my God. Like, get that lady in the back.

No, my advice is I keep having to try to work on things that no one asked for. And I constantly feel like I need to busy myself. And yeah, workaholic. Oh, really? I've never seen you working. I know. But I trash a lot of what I make. Okay. Yeah.

No tip for you.

I went to a sleep therapist who said that gummies, eventually you don't sleep well and it does the opposite. Did you find that? How long have you been doing it? Oh, I sleep like a baby on them. Really?

Yeah. Holy shit.

That was the worst.

He was so mean to me on this trip, and even my girlfriend and I was like, he's being mean to you, right? I go, yeah. And I was very kowtowing quiet. I made, like, one dumb joke, and then...

Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I've bombed in front of my hero, and I can't even- Who's your hero? Tony Robbins.

No, it's not my hero, but I did read some of his books when I was younger, and I liked Tony Robbins. And, I mean, he's kind of a- Now I think he's a psycho, because I bombed at his birthday party, so now I have to demonize him, and then I feel better. You performed for his birthday? You don't even understand how badly I bombed. No, I could picture it.

Well, here's the thing. First, they go, because Tony wanted me at his birthday. No idea who knew who I was. He's a fan. So I had his handlers did like a Zoom call with me. And they were like, Tony, why don't you do a big screening? It'll be Joe Biden. And he'll introduce you. He'll say the president's here. And then you'll come up on the screen.

I was like, oh, I'm a little worried they're going to think the president's really there because he doesn't meet these presidents. And then they'll be disappointed. And they were like, we're a cult. That's what Tony wants. There's no arguing or whatever. So I was like, OK. It just was like, I knew in the back of my head this was bad. Your subconscious figures it out before you do.

Because later I figured out, first of all, the intro of me was so huge. He goes, ladies and gentlemen. You know Tony Robbins. He's literally a giant.

He's seven feet? No. Get out of here.

He's at least 6'8". He's very tall. 6'6". He has giant syndrome. He does. Look at that mug. He does. He has a... Tumor action in his pituitary gland, and he never removed it, and it pumps out growth hormones. That's why he's that big.

Yeah, and he never got it removed. Whoa.

And they're all like, no. Like, everyone is pumped up with this weekend of, like, you can do it or whatever the thing was. And they're just like, rah. And he goes, he goes, uh. Ladies and gentlemen, I have a big surprise for you. Now, the guy before me was the Secretary of Treasury. Oh! Okay? He was there. Interviewing him went way over, by the way.

as in words as black people he did a show he did like an amazing show and I was like I heard the crowd was tough or something I made some soup with that and he goes oh now he speaks oh I hate that anyway I don't know can we set you up in scenarios as Bill Maher sure sure you're fucking a woman and she can't come okay oh I don't care Oh, I'm done. He's big into... Black hookers?

Well, this is like his birthday, but also like this weekend of his prime members. And then talk about Zoom, just like TV. He has an amazing studio. Just like TVs around the world zooming in. Whoa. 300 people in seats.

And what's his secretary of treasury? He was, that guy's like a criminal. This is back like during, it was like 2008 crisis was like his fault. That guy. Larry Sumners.

So he talks like this and he was, yeah, no, Sumners, yeah.

2020? Okay. No, it was recent, yeah. COVID time. And he's getting laughs. And that, to me, I'm like, this is definitely going to be bad. That's a good sign, though, if he's getting laughs.

Ah, see, I didn't feel that.

Well, he was interviewing him, and he was just talking about whatever. So... So it's very believable that the president would zoom in, is what I'm saying. Okay. This guy was just on stage. That makes sense. Right, because they're not saying he's here. They're saying he's on Zoom. Yeah. And so then they show a package of Tony meeting every president's staff.

Just like Tony meeting. So he goes, ladies and gentlemen, let's zoom in.

the president of the united and then i come up with my crappy wig on the screen the whole audience goes oh and i'm like hey it's tony baloney's birthday dead silence like dead silence dead silence and i'm in my head i'm like this is the funniest thing i have this just gets worse you open with the closer So then I had to introduce myself, and I'm like, no, Kyle Dunning, I had to do some comedy.

And I was behind the screen, so I come up from behind the screen, and they all just stand up and go, start cheering. But I just bombed, and so I was like, what is this weird thing? And then after I realized, like, oh, they're like so indoctrinated, like you, when someone enters, you give them all your energy. So they were doing that thing, but it seemed sarcastic, because I was bombing.

And I'm like, yay, you're the one who stinks. And then I just started doing – I was just jumping around. You ever panic and just start doing other impressions? Well, no. I was doing stand-up at this point because I had an impression for the end. Please. This is trauma. Doing up trauma. Talking about it.

But you ever do a thing where you're like – in the middle of the bit, you jump to a different beat. You're trying to find something that works. Yes, of course. So nothing's even – and then I said this joke that was so – It was just... Yeah, I had to do my time. I had to do... It was 30 minutes. It was more money than I'd ever gotten. Yeah.

It was a lot for me. For me, it was a lot.

I gave you the tag.

Did he talk to you afterwards or no? This is, like, maybe the worst thing. Because I... I had them sing happy birthday to him, and they all turned to him, and they were like, happy birthday. And I snuck off, but I could still hear him, and he goes, did you guys have a day you'll never forget? Because they went swimming with sharks or whatever. Yeah. And they're like, yeah.

And he goes, this is a night I'd like to forget. Oh.

talking about me i've never in my life try to find how to find him saying one negative thing ever in his life and he said and he said about me like i like tony rock anyway but he hired you he's a fan clue not anymore not yeah but that's that's that's so fucked up to know someone's act to hire them and then he tried to help me though in his defense like when i was joe body look He's asleep.

I was like, please don't help me. In my head, I'm like, oh, no, this is bad. But anyway, it was quite the experience. And yeah, every time I see him, I feel like a flush of shame.

This is something that I got. Which also made me really nervous. I googled his last birthday, which was his 60th, and it was like... Oh, hold on. Right there. He was crying. The people who... It was like all these very famous people performing for him.

Black hookers is a big thing. I was never mean to him. Before this, I only read to children, like, whatever. It's like a stupid whatever. Pull it up. But he goes... We never even got to this, by the way. But after this, then I did do some rude sketches. Well, I guess, yeah, show this one first. He asked for it, right? Yeah.

Damn. All right. His 60th birthday, which is online somewhere, it's like, you know, Usher, all these people, these fans will be like, Tony, you saved my life. Did he? And his wife's crying. Everyone's crying. And then to... That was also the setup that made me nervous. I'm like, I can't top his last birthday.

Oh, yeah. The most painful.

That's a bad setup, though, in your defense.

That's trauma. That's trauma right there.

That was a polite one, though.

Yes, he did.

Sure. I got a sweatshirt and it had the thumb holes. I was like, oh, this seems feminine.

They do that with the thing now. They turn. Oh.

Right, right. That's true. Here's a pet peeve, but I think I'm the only one who thinks this. Please. When you're in line, like at the airport, all your luggage, right? And I just stand there in the line and wait for like a big gap because you pick your luggage up. You got to move 20 inches. You put it back down. It's like all this extra energy. So I wait and you get there the exact same time.

But people are like, line moved. People yell at you for doing them a favor. Wait until there's a gap and then you get a nice walk. You don't have to do this every two feet. Does that bother you guys? I don't know why it bothers me.

We don't lose. I'm leaving.

I just, I mean, oh, here's this one, one other one is people who walk and you're walking and they just like, they're walking like this and they walk you into a wall. And this is my thing. That is a great one. I'm with you.

Okay.

Definitely. I get it. I let a guy walk me into a bush. I just was like, I should be more confrontational. Like, why are you walking into me? But instead, I just like, I'm like, I'm just going to let him just see where we go. Yeah. Right into a bush. Wow. And then not even understand, and still not getting it. Go ahead. Sorry.

Yeah. What about this? When someone's dumb and they think you're dumb because you said something, but what you said wasn't dumb. They didn't get it.

yeah and then you go you're like this number things i'm dumb but you're dumb because you're too dumb yeah it wasn't dumb that bothers me that's a great one that's a big comedy problem yeah yes like sarcasm yeah that happens a lot they don't get the sarcasm they go what are you stupid you're like no no you are because i was joking i dated a girl who i constantly was like this girl thinks i'm such an idiot right i remember that uh sarah silverman

Is he in the news right now for something? No, but he's always on. Are you saying Bill Maher's primo now, like he's in the news now?

I'll be right back. You guys dated for a hot minute, huh? What was that like? That was the Bill Maher plane. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think he had a crush on her? No, I think he generally likes her and wants her around and thinks she's funny.

The second you showed up, he was... He just was like... Literally, we'd all be in a circle talking and then he would come up and bump me out so I was out of the circle. This guy's a huge...

He won't let him play because if you play it, I'm leaving. Oh, wow. I don't know why he even cares. I hope that the waitress met him like right after this interview. I said way too stewardess, but... Stewardess, yeah. But yeah, this... I just thought it was funny. Like, why does he even care? But yeah, I don't know.

Hey, kids, gather around. I'll do an RFK Christmas album. Give us a hit.

Yeah, it's upsetting.

It sounds like a guy who you should give the Heimlich, but he doesn't need it. If someone started talking about that, you'd be on edge.

Give me some stock tips, will you? What else do I do? Come on. I don't get impressions. Yes, Jeff Goldblum. Oh, Goldblum. Dinosaurs. That's my mom's number one. Really? Yeah, he's a bitch. Really?

See? I don't know what he's doing. Oh, if you go to my Instagram, I just put in a thing that says, You know what's funny?

Yeah. I did a run of impressions. If you go down to the one with down to the Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn, that one. Yeah, I do a bunch of that.

That's Warren Buffett. Bill Gates.

Who's that? Harry.

Yeah, he put me in that movie. I did Walter Cronkite in that Pop-Tart movie.

Cut to earlier in the episode. Yeah, we went off on Bill Maher for a while. Oh, you did? No, no. Yeah, I don't think I heard from anybody else about it. Yeah, a few different people reached out. Who? I'm trying to think.

Tony Robbins, yeah. how'd seinfeld find you just the videos wow dm me and then i and we started like talking and then i was reading like a bunch of parts in that movie i didn't know if i had a like a job yet but i did like 10 zoom table reads damn i was doing like a bunch of different like impressions there yeah you did cronkite and was that it yeah johnny carson yes trying not to do dana carvey

Oh, right, right. Dana Carvey's got that one down. Yeah, his, it's like, I just like, was just trying to do a different version because his is so funny. Yeah, of course. I just made it more straightforward and not as cartoony.

It was really funny. It was great. His SNL years were so good.

Oh, really?

What is that thing Kama says?

Yes. Last night I went through a few of those. Wild. Oh, dude, I got to send you one, Sal Acuse. This is fucking great. I saw the Menendez one, too. Did you see that? Yeah.

Yeah, why did he portray us?

Oh, wow.

It was weird to see him smaller now, the documentary. That guy, they're all tiny because they stopped taking their steroids. I know, right? Damn.

Bill Maher. That's great. It's great. Well, thank you, guys. I got to go. I just came here for a compliment.

It's because it fits in with what he's been doing.

Yeah, they were. Really?

I can't get any pills from any doctor. No. I try so hard. I can get you pills. What do you need? Really? What do you want? Bluetooth? I want like a Valium type of chip.

That sounds like weird. And then he was shitty to that guy's impression. Yeah.

That's great. I can get you some Xanax. For flying or just for every day? I have an MRI coming up. Oh, shit. I've seen it before. Yeah. And I don't like it. And I asked my doctor, do I have one pill? And she was like, no. And I was like, cool. That's it.

The worst is the IV they put in your arm. They put an IV and you can feel it and you're just there for four years. Anyway, we don't have to talk about that.

I think some kind of recording where they were talking about what an idiot he was. The doctor saying how stupid and they're ripping him off.

He is invisible, right?

I can't believe that's him.

She's good.

Look at him. Yeah. And like Colin Farrell.

you know batman movie we try the robert pattinson yeah okay you know like when they do this they they give you a real reason like he walked he's got a bad leg so he walks like a penguin he's not a penguin so then i'm like now i can get into this oh a real guy that makes sense because the old penguin was just exactly

The Bill Maher reading to children was probably my favorite. Oh, thank you. That was a big one. You know he doesn't like me, right? I know. I heard the clip. Pull it up. Why doesn't he like you? He went on Rogan. I don't know. He was like, and it was that reading of children is the only I'd done. And he went on Joe Rogan's podcast and said, I did a terrible.

Like when superheroes were flabby.

Yeah, he's a lot like Trump. He doesn't like the impressions of himself. People who don't like the person that's like you. That's true. That's true. Interesting.

All right. Is there erectile dysfunction or erectile disinterest? Now, I'm saying this because I saw this woman be like shitting on her man.

Okay, people. Okay. I saw somebody shitting on their husband. I think he's just not interested in it.

It's bouncing too high.

It's very cold in this gymnasium.

Yeah. You could do Woody. Every Jewish person I make Woody, is that offensive?

We changed it up.

Good head of hair. This is actually the JFK Jr. kind of look. Oh, yeah. That you like there.

Okay. In Westworld, I remember that guy.

He's in that Netflix show right now. That's what we're talking about. Jesus Christ, Biden.

Very true. It's very serious. Okay, let's get Bill Maher reacting to a loneliness epidemic.

Oh, you're fucked. Come on, Bill. Have me on that whatever thing.

Whatever it's called now. He should embrace it.

It would be a fun episode of Club Random. I think we need to bury the hatchet here and just be friends. Yeah, you're an atheist. We went to Hawaii together. Come on. Are these his ladies of the night? If you go, well, if you go Bill Maher.

Yes. Thora.

You haven't heard from her in a while.

Bill Maher's fucking everything. Hiya, Jones. If you go Bill Maher, Black Hooker, you'll see.

Nothing wrong with that. Bill Maher and Superhead?

Those are very, you know, those are very mutual. I'm just kidding. Everyone at the same time broke up. Wait, who's my what? Were you pre-Kimmel or post-Kimmel? During. Post, you know, post, you know. What was your question to me?

Like a fantasy list or like the ones I've dated?

You think his belly goes over it? You're like the family guy where you don't even need to blur things.

Well, I mean, not really.

Silverman? Schumer never were boyfriend-girlfriend. How dare you? Sorry. Yeah. Anyway. Oh, no. Kyle's on a dating history.

Dan Matterman. That was one night.

Okay, people. It didn't go anywhere.

This page is perfect. It sums me up perfectly.

And Adam Brody. Oh, no. Yeah, no, it's not going great. I'll just be honest.

Yeah.

Well, we'll see. I have no Wiki feed, huh? You don't? I don't know. I say type in Kyle's Wiki feed. Oh, you've got to be on there.

Yeah, exactly. I did a commercial years ago that was like a gay hit for some reason. I was like shaking a cow. A gay what? It was like a gay hit. A gay hit? And he was gay. He was gay. Wasn't inappropriate. But he invited me to his apartment and then he had food out and he goes, I can't figure you out. And I was like, oh, I'm on a date. I didn't know. I was like, holy shit.

He's great. Yeah. What did you say to that? I can't figure you out. I just go, oh, like in my head I was like, oh, okay, this is, I should leave.

You know, he checks it out. Yeah. He sees what you're up to.

Yeah. That's not inappropriate, I don't think. Touch of legs.

You know what I think a lot of people don't know is, like, because you hear girls be like, a guy just, like, kissed me, you know? Guys will come in.

And I think it needs to get out there for young men. You've got to lean the leg on the other leg, see if they move away or not. Things before you look for a kiss. I think a lot of men don't get taught that. And they go, I like this person. And they go in.

Yeah, they don't do a pre before that physical, like, is this okay? Like, what Louis was doing was like, and he probably felt you go like this. He was like, okay, he's not into it.

Oh, yeah. Did you guys hear his story? He put a bear in Central Park. Yes. It's very weird. Well, it's so weird. But the thing is, it's a really funny prank he did. And instead of owning it, he put a bear on top of a bike and put it in Central Park. It was like a bear was riding a bike and fell over and died. That's very funny. But I guess he didn't think it was very presidential.

It is weird, though. It feels formal to be on a date with a kind of a stranger. And then it is weird. It's a lot of face to face.

So he went on Roseanne Barr's podcast. podcast he tried to get ahead of the story but his story was so crazy he's doing the thing where you like hug yourself when you're trying to self-soothe oh yeah he knew it was like off the road the first sentence he said was while i was out with my friends going hawking like the most unrelatable

What do you think of this? Cause I went on a date and then you pay in the beginning as a guy, you pay and you're doing like the men, female role. And she didn't, this girl didn't at all, like try to pay or let's split. She just was like, yeah, you get it. But she didn't shave her armpits. Now let me explain.

If we are doing, people are going to get mad at me, but like, if we're doing, I'm a man, you're a woman, you, that's your part. Oh, good point. That's interesting. I think that's very reasonable. Okay. All right. Thank you.

I think a woman should split if she doesn't like him. If she knows he doesn't like him, just be like, I don't know. That's interesting. Because then you don't have to feel like I used him. You're like, I paid my half and it didn't work out.

Okay.

I take out a loan.

I don't have that.

If that's as well as you can do... It's the armpit hair of the guy version.

I was on a date once. I was going to say about dating. She was just texting like literally down like this. That's not a restaurant. No, it's not.

He's doing like, I'm some, I don't know, earthy person. Yeah, yeah. But he's doing this the whole time, and then he goes... You know how – I guess it's the redneck in me. That's what he said. Which it's like – I think if the opposite of – if there was like a test, the opposite of redneck would be like a candidate. Yeah, Martha's Vineyard.

So I took a picture of her texting. Oh, that's funny. I thought she goes, oh, I do look cute. She thought I was like. Oh, get out of there. And I was like, okay. Get out of there. Split that chick.

Really good joke writers. If you could help me out, that'd be great.

I need a tag for this joke. All right. All right. So, I don't want to do the whole bit, but, like, the premise is really, like, women, like, not wearing bras, like, it hurts not to look. When they're coming down the street, like, you have to look away. I don't think women know it hurts to not look. Right.

And then I do this thing, like, imagine if all men walked around with, like, adorable puppies, like, sticking out their bras you couldn't look at. Mm-hmm. And, like, not, like, they're kind of, like, weird. They want to bite your hand. Kind of adorable. Like, not rescue. It's, like, actual adorable puppies. And then they walk on high heels so they get more in your face. And they put glitter on.

We put glitter on them, you know, for us. Yeah. And then I go, and then I go, I'm like, oh no, my whole point doesn't fall out. It'd be so bad if one fell out. And the tag I've been doing is, if you looked at them, you can get fired from your job or like, like I had no tag on it.

Oh yeah, if you try to pet one, you could get fired from your job. Yeah. I go to the restroom, you have to figure that out.

Oh, I bet. Yeah, it was at the tail end. But I love the self-soothing. If you see, if you go Roseanne Barr, sorry, RFK, Bear, I think it'll come up. And I didn't make up any of what I just told. That's the top one. It's the exact... And Roseanne Barr is like, huh?

Eyes up here. All of the puppies is more...

like a good visual it's hard to not look at puppies right the feeling is more like how you're like oh my god look at that puppy like you know like want to grab it or that's true yeah i have to touch it i have to bite it yeah it's like the tag i'm always running to the tag i'm like that's not the right tag it's wrong if you look at them like are they are they friendly yeah it's not like

Purebred? Yeah. Purebred! Purebred. It's kind of like what ends the whole story. This is the end and we're moving on.

Oh, wet puppy contest.

It's like if it could escalate to like... because the the idea that like and if you like stare at like a emoji like you get like in real trouble like there's some escalated thing about looking at these puppies if there was something that was like funny they get older like that left one looks kind of right

Well, he just had like, he does a terrible impression of me.

Yeah, go back a little bit.

The face touch is lying. Yeah.

Yeah, this is... She takes your seat in heaven or something? Something where she gets your... Move that to heaven. Yes, yes, yes.

Flight. Let's wrap up. Wait, can I just give one more? Please. We can cut this. No, but like I do think where the audience is like horrified. We're not cutting it. We're keeping it all in, you piece of shit. All right. I like really tiny legs. And, like, I've talked about it on stage.

Like, and I... One way I would do it would be, like, I could do a really realistic TED Talk about a guy who was, like, in a motorcycle crash, like, 20 years ago. And he's like, well, when I saw the sand in the road... And then, like, one time I tried saying, like, I lost my legs, but there was, like, a 12-year-old Korean girl. The donor was, like, a match or whatever. But it's, like, a TED Talk.

Like, what am I... Is there a way to this bit where I'm doing a TED Talk... Those are tiny. I know.

It gets a laugh. Woody in Toy Story. I've said that. Woody in Toy Story. But I've tried a few different ways and it's like sometimes... Wait, what are you trying to say? Well, it's really just like the joke is going to be within like the TED Talk, I think. Uh-huh. The story would be like kind of funny, but... All right, I lied. Let's cut this.

There's no like smart bit here. It's just I have tiny legs and when I do this, it's very funny because it's visually I'm like my legs don't work. Yes, a handicap. So, it's like it's a visual. Well, what's the TED Talk? That's just like I could do a very realistic one that I don't like I was in a wheelchair for 20 years. Oh. They've atrophied. I see, I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even hawking. I do heavy squats. Like it's unbelievable. Come on. Really? They just get tighter. They just get tighter. And it's also, you know the rip of like when you first start working out how much it hurts? Every week, same, just agony. Ironically, this joke doesn't have legs. Yeah.

Now you bring a bear home? Well, that's the thing. He never brought that bear home. That's the thing. It's like he... It was always just going to be a prank, which was...

all right okay i'll put a better one next week let's uh yeah let's uh plug you guys tour you guys want to see some more of that yeah no there'll be no leg joke there or if you're in uh brooklyn i'm also going to be in if people go to my website and put in your zip code i have to figure out where i want to go and if people let me know where they are that's a good idea because the emails that's the way to go now with emails yeah exactly are you on punch up

he should have said the end of it he goes like I was late for the airport so we just had to put the bear in the car in the park the other part of the story which I'll stop talking about this but he to explain the bicycle because how do you explain this bicycle he goes my friend asked me to get rid of his bicycle for him Which is like, first of all, how do you not know how to get rid of a bicycle?

I mean, it's exaggerated, but that's what an impression is. He's like, I don't know who he is. I would think he's a comedian. He'd be like, he'd kind of like it.

Yeah. It's like eBay or like your, I don't know, the front, you know, like the sidewalk maybe. Yeah.

He's like, I can get rid of this. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm going to ask my, I'm going to ask Robert F. Kennedy to get rid of this bike for me.

Do you think he would have been present if he didn't have that voice?

Yeah. That makes me... That's one of the stories where Mike, there's no God. She died right after lung cancer. Yeah, that's right. Staying with him.

Yeah, no. Oh, is he going to watch it? Oh, here we go.

You like everything, right?

Yeah, I go down the... YouTube knows my... They know what you like, and it's just like plane crashes and fat people falling down.

He kind of sounded dim, though. Did he sound dim? I never listened to him. He kind of talked like this.

But that plane crash, oh, my God. The terror they must have felt because it was dark. And all you do is you hear the screaming sound of the wind going by. Because you don't really feel it. You don't have a good sense of whether you're up, down, or sideways when you can't see the horizon. But you hear the sound of just... And then the girl in the back and her sister was there.

And her sister was probably like, what am I doing in this plane right now?

No, but just knowing that dive bomb. I haven't heard actually any of that, but... The speeds. Yes. My dad had a very similar plane. Did he die? No, he's fine. No, he did die. He didn't die in a plane crash. Okay.

Well, you know, the Kennedys, there's like six- Six in a plane. That's why the mother said to him, she asked him not to buy his plane when she got a life. Oh, wow. And then he died. Two older brothers.

Okay. A crash in North Carolina. Can you see how many plane crashes the Kennedy family has been in? Because I think it's like something like six. Damn. I hope I'm not wrong. I hope I'm wrong. Well, the Irish.

Yeah, like his brother died in World War II in a plane crash. Yeah. And then a sister died. She was like dating the prince of some place in a plane crash.

It was only four, Kyle.

You do Trump, too? Yeah, but I did Trump very early, but... I feel like everyone does it better.

Yeah, what's Alec Baldwin? My wife, Ilaria. I do like the quiet Alec Baldwin.

RFK must have met you. I did meet him backstage once at Largo. He was backstage. Really? He loves comedy. Why was he there? Probably with Cheryl. Yeah, she was there. Yeah, maybe she was performing.

You gaslight me.

Okay, hold on. After my first marriage, I said, let's have a prenup.

Let's talk slow. You're speaking English in a Spanish cadence, which is always perilous for me. Slow down just a kiss. I can't understand you.

You're speaking English in a Spanish cadence, which is always perilous for me.

Yeah.

They just do it. They think they do.

Happy face. My son lost his mom in the most unthinkable tragedy. This is never something to forget.

And we're trying to parent through it.

1989.