Alexis Fernandez-Preiksa

All right.

Last one.

Okay, thank you so much for sending that question in.

Yeah, this is really, really hard because it's kind of like, I don't know if paradox is the word, but it's like in order to protect yourself, you end up hurting yourself more, right?

Like this attachment style where you then start like you're protecting yourself, you're pushing people away, you're detaching, detaching, you're cutting off, you're cutting off because you're saying I can't

have them hurt me you're telling yourself ultimately and obviously this is not intentional it's not what you want to but this is you know how these attachment styles form you're telling yourself i wouldn't be able to cope if you hurt me and if you left me i wouldn't be able to cope so therefore i need to take control of this situation and that's what a lot of attachment comes down to it's how you control an emotional situation

When you feel in control of yourself and your own emotions and you feel like trusting of other people in general, not every person on earth, obviously you know that some can, some can't be trusted, but when you have a general trust, when you generally feel that people are safe, but more so when you feel that you are a safe space, that even if you get hurt, you're still okay, you will survive, you will whatever, that control over your circumstances, you know that you could control it somehow.

then you're less likely to push people away when you're worried that they're going to hurt you.

And then on the flip side, if you feel I need to control this situation, I need to control how other people treat me, that you're not allowing yourself control.

to be vulnerable, to be hurt.

You're not allowing yourself to see that if you did get hurt, you could start to piece things back together and heal yourself.

And a lot of this comes down from maybe in, you know, how you were brought up.

I mean, most attachment styles, most of them are formed due to our upbringing, but sometimes they can change through really traumatic relationships in life.

And, you know, there's many, I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of it,

But basically things happen to you where then you think that was so horrible or there was no repair or there was nothing and I can't ever go through that again, so therefore the wall is up.

Okay?

So I guess you have to look at how have you processed healing in the past?

What are you doing to process your own healing?

And what are you doing to tell yourself that you would be able to survive or you wouldn't be able to survive it?

Because the issue here is that if you maintain this –