Alfie

Hello, my name is Alfie and I'm not quite dead. No. I'm Alfie and if you're listening to this tape, I'm probably dead or not quite dead, but in a different kind of way and... Jesus, this all sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Did I think it would be easy to write my own obituary? Is that what this even is?

Hello, my name is Alfie and I'm not quite dead. No. I'm Alfie and if you're listening to this tape, I'm probably dead or not quite dead, but in a different kind of way and... Jesus, this all sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Did I think it would be easy to write my own obituary? Is that what this even is?

Honestly, I didn't give it much thought before I sat down. I just knew I had to say something. Leave a little piece of me behind, you know? So, the basics. I'm Alfie. I used to be an A&E nurse, but now I'm just me. I haven't left my flat in days. I think I'm dying. I know I'm dying. I should be dead already. But I'm not. There's been a lot going on, honestly.

Honestly, I didn't give it much thought before I sat down. I just knew I had to say something. Leave a little piece of me behind, you know? So, the basics. I'm Alfie. I used to be an A&E nurse, but now I'm just me. I haven't left my flat in days. I think I'm dying. I know I'm dying. I should be dead already. But I'm not. There's been a lot going on, honestly.

And I just need to say all this now before I make any decisions. Because whatever I choose, I'm dead or undead. And either way, I'm pretty sure none of this is going to matter to me so much after that. Whatever it is that's happening to me now, it's important that people know. Not because I'm important. I am really, really not. But this is. So yeah.

And I just need to say all this now before I make any decisions. Because whatever I choose, I'm dead or undead. And either way, I'm pretty sure none of this is going to matter to me so much after that. Whatever it is that's happening to me now, it's important that people know. Not because I'm important. I am really, really not. But this is. So yeah.

If you could just make sure my mum and my sisters don't hear this tape, that'd be great. Anonymise me or whatever. Call me, I don't know, Ben or something. And Casper can be Bill. Wait, no. There's already a vampire called Bill, isn't there? Wasn't he a confederate or something? Oh, I'm really waffling, aren't I? Mum always says I worry too much about whether people like me.

If you could just make sure my mum and my sisters don't hear this tape, that'd be great. Anonymise me or whatever. Call me, I don't know, Ben or something. And Casper can be Bill. Wait, no. There's already a vampire called Bill, isn't there? Wasn't he a confederate or something? Oh, I'm really waffling, aren't I? Mum always says I worry too much about whether people like me.

She'd say, like, Christ, Alfie, you're picking up your antidepressants, not doing an improv bit, and I'd be like, why not both? Ah. Well, poor Darla the pharmacist won't have to deal with my terrible customer service stand-up routines anymore, so there is good to come out of this situation after all. I think I got this dictaphone to do poetry.

She'd say, like, Christ, Alfie, you're picking up your antidepressants, not doing an improv bit, and I'd be like, why not both? Ah. Well, poor Darla the pharmacist won't have to deal with my terrible customer service stand-up routines anymore, so there is good to come out of this situation after all. I think I got this dictaphone to do poetry.

God, I will spare you my slam poetry phase, nobody needs that in their life. God, none of this is important, and I need to get this out, I need to. There are only snatches now where I'm awake enough to speak, and I think it's only going to get worse, so... And in approximately four days, when my supply of this blood runs out, I'm going to either die or become something else.

God, I will spare you my slam poetry phase, nobody needs that in their life. God, none of this is important, and I need to get this out, I need to. There are only snatches now where I'm awake enough to speak, and I think it's only going to get worse, so... And in approximately four days, when my supply of this blood runs out, I'm going to either die or become something else.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to start at the beginning so you understand what happened. And the beginning, for me, was the people with the torn out throats. The first one I saw was the girl on the gurney.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to start at the beginning so you understand what happened. And the beginning, for me, was the people with the torn out throats. The first one I saw was the girl on the gurney.

The Girl on the Gurney came in at half ten on a Saturday night. Saturday night's a bad time to get hurt because everyone's getting hurt on a Saturday night. That night there was this guy down the hall with a rake in his foot. A woman who had cracked her head open on the curb. Two lads getting their lips stitched in triage.

The Girl on the Gurney came in at half ten on a Saturday night. Saturday night's a bad time to get hurt because everyone's getting hurt on a Saturday night. That night there was this guy down the hall with a rake in his foot. A woman who had cracked her head open on the curb. Two lads getting their lips stitched in triage.

Of the too few people who were actually working that night, only three of us knew the hospital well. Me, Tracy and Hayley, the junior doctor. When the girl on the gurney came in, I was on hour 16 of a 12-hour shift with lead bones and eyes so wide I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever be able to get them to shut again. I barely thought anything of it.

Of the too few people who were actually working that night, only three of us knew the hospital well. Me, Tracy and Hayley, the junior doctor. When the girl on the gurney came in, I was on hour 16 of a 12-hour shift with lead bones and eyes so wide I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever be able to get them to shut again. I barely thought anything of it.

The ragged gash on her neck was unusual, but not surprising. I didn't have the energy for surprise. When we transferred her over from the ambulance gurney onto another, she was cold to the touch, limbs loose, head lolling over the wad of gauze taped to her neck.

The ragged gash on her neck was unusual, but not surprising. I didn't have the energy for surprise. When we transferred her over from the ambulance gurney onto another, she was cold to the touch, limbs loose, head lolling over the wad of gauze taped to her neck.