Alfie

Out of nowhere, Hayley made this strange noise like a kicked dog. I looked up at her in alarm with my saucer-wide, sleep-deprived eyes, half expecting her leg to have fallen off or gallons of blood to be pouring out of her ears, but instead she was just crying. She pulled the sleeves of her jacket over her hands and covered her face with them. All of a sudden, she looked very young.

I don't really know what it was. She just looked really small. Junior doctor is a bit of a misnomer. Hayley had been out of medical school for two years by the time she'd come to work with me on A&E. At that point, I didn't know her that well. She'd only been at York Hospital for a couple of weeks then, but over her stint working with me, I'd already learned I liked her a lot. She was kind.

I don't really know what it was. She just looked really small. Junior doctor is a bit of a misnomer. Hayley had been out of medical school for two years by the time she'd come to work with me on A&E. At that point, I didn't know her that well. She'd only been at York Hospital for a couple of weeks then, but over her stint working with me, I'd already learned I liked her a lot. She was kind.

in spite of a job that punished that sort of thing, and she was a laugh on a night out and never took things too seriously. She felt more like a nurse than a doctor, and I mean that as a compliment. Not to diss doctors or anything, but they can be a bit up themselves. But Hayley always listened to us when we gave her advice.

in spite of a job that punished that sort of thing, and she was a laugh on a night out and never took things too seriously. She felt more like a nurse than a doctor, and I mean that as a compliment. Not to diss doctors or anything, but they can be a bit up themselves. But Hayley always listened to us when we gave her advice.

Always remembered staff like me and Tracy might not have been doctors, but we had been working in the hospital for years, something that she and her fellow junior doctors didn't have the luxury of doing. It was sad, seeing her so distraught. So broken, but I understood it. I told her it was fucking horrendous, because it was. It always is.

Always remembered staff like me and Tracy might not have been doctors, but we had been working in the hospital for years, something that she and her fellow junior doctors didn't have the luxury of doing. It was sad, seeing her so distraught. So broken, but I understood it. I told her it was fucking horrendous, because it was. It always is.

You get used to it in some ways, unshocked by the death and horrors, but it doesn't do you any good to get like that. Deep down, under the layers of thick skin, you always feel it. Sometimes it's sharp enough to poke right through to the surface. We didn't say anything else. We just stood and Haley-ness silently wept. I didn't escape A&E for another four and a half hours after that.

You get used to it in some ways, unshocked by the death and horrors, but it doesn't do you any good to get like that. Deep down, under the layers of thick skin, you always feel it. Sometimes it's sharp enough to poke right through to the surface. We didn't say anything else. We just stood and Haley-ness silently wept. I didn't escape A&E for another four and a half hours after that.

Seven more people died, and by the time I pulled into the drive and let myself back into my mum's house through the back door so I didn't wake my mum or my sisters, I'd almost completely forgotten about the girl on the gurney. I fell face down into my unmade bed, fully clothed and sticky with sweat and God knows what else, and finally, finally, I slept. Sorry. Um, where was I? Oh, yeah.

Seven more people died, and by the time I pulled into the drive and let myself back into my mum's house through the back door so I didn't wake my mum or my sisters, I'd almost completely forgotten about the girl on the gurney. I fell face down into my unmade bed, fully clothed and sticky with sweat and God knows what else, and finally, finally, I slept. Sorry. Um, where was I? Oh, yeah.

The girl on the gurney was gone from my mind completely by the time my mother woke me the next morning. I was fully dressed under the covers, and I was not ready to be accosted when she burst in and immediately started going on about how long my shift had been.

The girl on the gurney was gone from my mind completely by the time my mother woke me the next morning. I was fully dressed under the covers, and I was not ready to be accosted when she burst in and immediately started going on about how long my shift had been.

It was not an ideal living situation, much as I loved my mum, and the weird thing was she hadn't talked about it at all, really, until that morning, the day after I saw the girl on the gurney died. I've wondered about that since, you know. Like, it feels like a weird cosmic coincidence.

It was not an ideal living situation, much as I loved my mum, and the weird thing was she hadn't talked about it at all, really, until that morning, the day after I saw the girl on the gurney died. I've wondered about that since, you know. Like, it feels like a weird cosmic coincidence.

Casper says it probably wasn't a coincidence, despite how many times I've told him that the girl on the gurney was no worse than any of the other patients that died that night, apart from how it affected Hayley, but he doesn't believe me. It's bloody survivorship bias, that's what it is.

Casper says it probably wasn't a coincidence, despite how many times I've told him that the girl on the gurney was no worse than any of the other patients that died that night, apart from how it affected Hayley, but he doesn't believe me. It's bloody survivorship bias, that's what it is.

All hindsight, making connections, it wouldn't have been possible to make at all at the time, but which feel really obvious when you look back. Only it's not obvious, it's just convenient. That's just how it is with Casper, though. Sorry, I'm getting off track again.

All hindsight, making connections, it wouldn't have been possible to make at all at the time, but which feel really obvious when you look back. Only it's not obvious, it's just convenient. That's just how it is with Casper, though. Sorry, I'm getting off track again.

My mother was standing at the kitchen sink, holding her cup of tea, and when I walked in she said, you look awful, even though she hadn't even turned around. I told her thanks and set about making some breakfast. One of my sisters had clearly stolen my expensive imported golden grahams because there were only a few stale pieces left at the bottom of the box.