Amy Griffin
speaker
222 appearances
2 recordings
2 series
first heard Mar 2025
last heard Mar 2025
Amy Griffin’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Well, I think that's one of the things I've really come to realize, too, even in the writing of this, that trauma is not just what happened to me, but there are parts of us. in all of us that are broken, that we go in, if we can go in and just tell them and acknowledge them.
So just to also, to go back to what we were saying about, I used MDMA and the idea that I had seen other people in my life that had benefited from it and seeing how that, you know, I took note of that and I saw how John had talked about, we'd always, if we'd gone to dinner and someone had said, John, do you have siblings?
He would say, no, I'm an only child, which is true because John lost his sister, his to suicide many, many years ago. And then one night after John had had his experience, we went to dinner. Someone said, John, do you have any siblings? And he said, no, I'm an only, he said, no, I have, I'm sorry, I had a sister and she committed suicide. So the party line had changed.
And I saw how he had changed. And I thought, well, I want some, I want that. I need that honesty. And that is why I decided, I think that there were There were so many reasons why I decided to do what I did at that moment in time. And I think that was, you know, whether you believe in the divine God, you know, how it all comes together, I don't know.
But in this moment for me, it was the idea that I could no longer live with the secret. It was eating me up inside. It was killing me. But you didn't know you had the secret.
I didn't know the secret, but I did tell the practitioner that I knew I needed to really explore my childhood and sexual trauma. You knew that? I knew that, but I actually did not know what the trauma was. So when I went in to have the psychedelic assisted therapy session with a practitioner, there were so many reasons that set the stage.
And I think it's so important for everyone to know this, that one, I had John. I had this incredibly... loving, supportive relationship that I'd had for a long time, so there was safety there. John. John. Yeah. Yeah. There was... And this is really important. I think it's incredibly important to talk about the idea that my daughters were of the ages that I was. when all the trauma happened to me.
So that was happening at the same time. And then I also felt incredibly safe with the practitioner that I was working with. And so the setup was such that I was ready to go in and to give myself permission to take that pill. So it was more that going in to take the pill for me as someone who doesn't drink, who had never seen illicit drugs,
to take that pill and allow myself to have the compassion for myself to explore things I could not talk about on this earth.
I was lying down on a couch. There was this beautiful flamenco music playing in the background. I put the eye shades on. And I surrendered. And the therapist is guiding you through it. The therapist doesn't say one word.
She didn't say a word, but I could feel the connection with her. And I could feel that I, the connection with her was so strong and the connection with John was so strong. And the connection with- But John wasn't there. John was not there. But all the people in my life, I feel like all roads led to this moment.
And in five minutes, I turned to the practitioner and I said, why is he here? Why is my teacher here? And then I said, I'm going to tell you everything.
For eight hours.
For eight hours. I just said it. I told her every single scenario, every single instance of the abuse, one after the other, it was linear. It was this, it was if I'm looking at this coffee cup, I would be able to tell you in 20 years exactly what the swirl of my coffee milk looked like.
It was reliving the experiences as I had them, but I was reliving the experiences in a way as such that I had so much compassion for myself. And I think it's so important to also say that I am not a doctor. I'm not a scientist. I have no medical background, but I am a one of one. And I could tell this story a thousand times over and I remember it exactly as it happened.
Well, the first time that I had a session, I was the observer. And I did not feel like I was in any danger because I already knew I knew this, I was watching it. Instead I had complete compassion for myself, complete love for that little girl that experienced it. It was like two sides of me met. That 12 year old side of me met the Amy in her forties. And it was as if we embraced
And no longer did I have to keep the secret. And it was also in that session that I realized that in many ways, and this is the real crux of all of it, that the secret is the hardest part. The secrets you're told to keep, they're not yours.
Well, I think that that's also a part of the journey. And that's a lot of the writing, too, in that along with the idea that I was pursuing this criminal investigation. I'm also pursuing this understanding of how could these memories be there and me not know about them. So I wanted to also perfect that. I wanted to have perfect answers. I wanted to have a perfect outcome. And so I did.
Over time, and I know that the subject of memory is always changing, but what I know in my memory is that, you know, there is storage and recall. And so all I can say to myself is I stored this memory. And then I could only recall it once I was in the setting in a place when it was time that my body was safe enough. There were 10 years where I really couldn't listen to myself.
And I think it was another form of the running. Four kids, big life. For me, I was surviving. And that was looking perfect to the outside world.
Showing 141–160 of 222 · page 8 of 12
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