Amy Schumer

yeah i think that's like a little much yeah like i don't know i want to see what my sister's up to like i want to see what everybody else is doing like your husband yeah like what i'm just gonna be with my dad forever like me and my dad like that's it yeah i think you can kind of do one of those where you're like absolutely and you look him in the eye and then once he's gone i flush his ashes right into the sea

yeah i think that's like a little much yeah like i don't know i want to see what my sister's up to like i want to see what everybody else is doing like your husband yeah like what i'm just gonna be with my dad forever like me and my dad like that's it yeah i think you can kind of do one of those where you're like absolutely and you look him in the eye and then once he's gone i flush his ashes right into the sea

should we have a friendship you know and she you know in return has you know not followed me so I respect I think she's smart I think that's a smart move I'm obsessed and then we'll leave the Britney one to the imagination no Britney has it but she mentioned me in her book and god damn that felt amazing street cred street cred

should we have a friendship you know and she you know in return has you know not followed me so I respect I think she's smart I think that's a smart move I'm obsessed and then we'll leave the Britney one to the imagination no Britney has it but she mentioned me in her book and god damn that felt amazing street cred street cred

Yeah, I'll put him somewhere nice.

Yeah, I'll put him somewhere nice.

I don't wear jewelry at all because it like I just feel weird. It looks weird on me.

I don't wear jewelry at all because it like I just feel weird. It looks weird on me.

I don't know. It just looks weird on me. Yeah, I'm nothing. Yeah.

I don't know. It just looks weird on me. Yeah, I'm nothing. Yeah.

I have no I am not bejeweled anywhere.

I have no I am not bejeweled anywhere.

No, I let my holes close, including my vagina.

No, I let my holes close, including my vagina.

like this thing that like if it's just just in you and it's like i should be like trying to keep a low pro yeah but you know i just i can't and i'll just get you know involved in anything that goes on and that's what's nice about new york is like that especially public transportation everybody's like together and the community aspect yeah yeah but yeah we does anyone ever be like fuck you amy schumer like at the fuck off like what yeah no i mean yes but no like you know no

like this thing that like if it's just just in you and it's like i should be like trying to keep a low pro yeah but you know i just i can't and i'll just get you know involved in anything that goes on and that's what's nice about new york is like that especially public transportation everybody's like together and the community aspect yeah yeah but yeah we does anyone ever be like fuck you amy schumer like at the fuck off like what yeah no i mean yes but no like you know no

No, not really. I feel like I'm like anonymous here in New York. Like no one cares. And they're expecting to see you. And they're almost like mad that it's either like this is a famous person we're running into. You know, can we get Rihanna? What the fuck?

No, not really. I feel like I'm like anonymous here in New York. Like no one cares. And they're expecting to see you. And they're almost like mad that it's either like this is a famous person we're running into. You know, can we get Rihanna? What the fuck?

They expect to see me. They're like, where were you? We went to the 30 Rock today. Yeah.

They expect to see me. They're like, where were you? We went to the 30 Rock today. Yeah.

I would say... I think I'm exactly the same. What am I now? I would say, like my friends, loyal, psychotic, and funny. You were always psychotic. I was always psychotic. I was always just trying to make myself laugh. Oh, that's nice. You know, like have a good time.

I would say... I think I'm exactly the same. What am I now? I would say, like my friends, loyal, psychotic, and funny. You were always psychotic. I was always psychotic. I was always just trying to make myself laugh. Oh, that's nice. You know, like have a good time.

I mean, and I would want to make my friends laugh and other people, but it was really about, I think, just trying to, you know, combat boredom and just like have fun. Completely. Yeah. Entertain myself.

I mean, and I would want to make my friends laugh and other people, but it was really about, I think, just trying to, you know, combat boredom and just like have fun. Completely. Yeah. Entertain myself.

Little Amy was voted the class clown. Classic. and Teacher's Worst Nightmare. But I was, I played volleyball. Okay. So I was pretty serious about volleyball, so I wasn't like doing theater. But I did start plays when I was five, but then I got real into volleyball. And you're soccer, right? You did your research.

Little Amy was voted the class clown. Classic. and Teacher's Worst Nightmare. But I was, I played volleyball. Okay. So I was pretty serious about volleyball, so I wasn't like doing theater. But I did start plays when I was five, but then I got real into volleyball. And you're soccer, right? You did your research.

Don't you like when someone's like, I guess I looked at Wikipedia and feels like a hero?

Don't you like when someone's like, I guess I looked at Wikipedia and feels like a hero?

Well, I was like actress, but I got really into volleyball. And then I had a bad surfing accident. Oh. And so I was taken out for the season. And I don't know if I could have played D1, but I was definitely going to play in college.

Well, I was like actress, but I got really into volleyball. And then I had a bad surfing accident. Oh. And so I was taken out for the season. And I don't know if I could have played D1, but I was definitely going to play in college.

Somewhere. But you couldn't play volleyball and do the plays.

Somewhere. But you couldn't play volleyball and do the plays.

Oh, God. I mean, I ran for... I believe I ran for president of student council as a freshman. That'll put a target on your back. Just to make a speech. But I could be getting it wrong. It might have been junior high. But I believe it was... I believe it was I believe it was high school. And I just I made a speech and it was all lies. I talked about growing up on a farm in Iowa.

Oh, God. I mean, I ran for... I believe I ran for president of student council as a freshman. That'll put a target on your back. Just to make a speech. But I could be getting it wrong. It might have been junior high. But I believe it was... I believe it was I believe it was high school. And I just I made a speech and it was all lies. I talked about growing up on a farm in Iowa.

I would you know, if there was a bake sale, I would bring in a ton of toast, you know, and like have a sign like toast. Like I just was an idiot and just like thought I was so funny.

I would you know, if there was a bake sale, I would bring in a ton of toast, you know, and like have a sign like toast. Like I just was an idiot and just like thought I was so funny.

I know I don't know I really think my parents lied to me so much and I just believed it and then when I found out they were lying I was too late and I had this like inner confidence and it was just too late it couldn't be shaken it couldn't wait are either of your parents funny yeah my dad they're both funny my dad's really funny my mom is like is funny cuckoo too in a good way

I know I don't know I really think my parents lied to me so much and I just believed it and then when I found out they were lying I was too late and I had this like inner confidence and it was just too late it couldn't be shaken it couldn't wait are either of your parents funny yeah my dad they're both funny my dad's really funny my mom is like is funny cuckoo too in a good way

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're both really funny. He's hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're both really funny. He's hilarious.

I was cool. Sorry. No, I was I was cool. Like things weren't like easy. I had major trauma and stuff when I was like 12, you know, which I'm totally happy to talk about.

I was cool. Sorry. No, I was I was cool. Like things weren't like easy. I had major trauma and stuff when I was like 12, you know, which I'm totally happy to talk about.

Yeah. My dad got a mess and we went bankrupt like we had. money we were comfortable yeah and then we were like poor and my parents got a divorce and my mom started dating my friend's father like it was a whole nightmare and I you know I really I I really was traumatized and didn't think I was traumatized.

Yeah. My dad got a mess and we went bankrupt like we had. money we were comfortable yeah and then we were like poor and my parents got a divorce and my mom started dating my friend's father like it was a whole nightmare and I you know I really I I really was traumatized and didn't think I was traumatized.

And then it was really hard, but I still had a boyfriend. I was still like making jokes and, you know, going out and popular and that kind of shit.

And then it was really hard, but I still had a boyfriend. I was still like making jokes and, you know, going out and popular and that kind of shit.

Where everyone's like... It was overnight from what I remember. It was like... I mean, we went from living in what I would consider a mansion... you know, by Real Housewives standards. Not decorated well or anything, but a big house with a pool and whatever to a, like, you know, maybe two-bedroom tiny home.

Where everyone's like... It was overnight from what I remember. It was like... I mean, we went from living in what I would consider a mansion... you know, by Real Housewives standards. Not decorated well or anything, but a big house with a pool and whatever to a, like, you know, maybe two-bedroom tiny home.

Or, like, we moved every year and we lived... We would live in someone's basement or someone's attic and that kind of stuff.

Or, like, we moved every year and we lived... We would live in someone's basement or someone's attic and that kind of stuff.

Well, it was like... I really feel like that part of it was all good. And so, you know, I can make fun of my mom and whatever, but I never, you know, I had, I always had like, this sounds bad, but I was going to say, we always like had somewhere to live. We always had food. I was never like embarrassed of my outfit and like, you know, because also my friends didn't have any money, which was nice.

Well, it was like... I really feel like that part of it was all good. And so, you know, I can make fun of my mom and whatever, but I never, you know, I had, I always had like, this sounds bad, but I was going to say, we always like had somewhere to live. We always had food. I was never like embarrassed of my outfit and like, you know, because also my friends didn't have any money, which was nice.

Yeah. Like none of us were dressed well. None of us had a nice car or a car, you know, it was, so there was no like class distinction or anything. And I was just like, you know, wanted, I just, my mom says that I was embarrassed of our new house. Like that I asked the school about, like, I don't know, something where I was like, can you drop me off somewhere else?

Yeah. Like none of us were dressed well. None of us had a nice car or a car, you know, it was, so there was no like class distinction or anything. And I was just like, you know, wanted, I just, my mom says that I was embarrassed of our new house. Like that I asked the school about, like, I don't know, something where I was like, can you drop me off somewhere else?

I don't remember that, but I don't remember the loss of money being, Anything that I really felt. Just like the relocation.

I don't remember that, but I don't remember the loss of money being, Anything that I really felt. Just like the relocation.

Oh, my God. That's so nice.

Oh, my God. That's so nice.

I think it's just it's, you know, like trying to the revisionist history that each of my parents give. Like, I really can't tell what's true. Of course.

I think it's just it's, you know, like trying to the revisionist history that each of my parents give. Like, I really can't tell what's true. Of course.

But if I were to have one note, this mic is real heavy. God, do you do you ever think like, no, I don't care. Look, I'm a stand up like I hold a mic. Just roast me. This is like an actual way. Like, I mean, I want to support the brand. Obviously, I'm honored to be on this show. You're a, you know, a Salton. But this is a heavy microphone. You're exhausted.

But if I were to have one note, this mic is real heavy. God, do you do you ever think like, no, I don't care. Look, I'm a stand up like I hold a mic. Just roast me. This is like an actual way. Like, I mean, I want to support the brand. Obviously, I'm honored to be on this show. You're a, you know, a Salton. But this is a heavy microphone. You're exhausted.

Yeah, you're right. It's really disorienting and destabilizing because you're just like, is any of what I was told true? I don't at all know. I don't feel like I know anything about my actual past.

Yeah, you're right. It's really disorienting and destabilizing because you're just like, is any of what I was told true? I don't at all know. I don't feel like I know anything about my actual past.

yeah well I live really close to here and then I'll just like go home and like you know and I wanted to show off my feet are really a bummer right now you don't wear socks with shoes no I usually do I usually do what happened this morning I just I mean I just like came over here it took 13 minutes in a car you know so yeah so no socks do you do that often if it's like I'm just gonna be out for a little bit yeah

yeah well I live really close to here and then I'll just like go home and like you know and I wanted to show off my feet are really a bummer right now you don't wear socks with shoes no I usually do I usually do what happened this morning I just I mean I just like came over here it took 13 minutes in a car you know so yeah so no socks do you do that often if it's like I'm just gonna be out for a little bit yeah

Well, how does that strike you? Like, is that... Are you, like, your feet are cold or... One feet cold. Is a nude foot, like... Do you not even have nail polish on there? No, look at my nails. Okay? Look at my... Look at, like... Okay?

Well, how does that strike you? Like, is that... Are you, like, your feet are cold or... One feet cold. Is a nude foot, like... Do you not even have nail polish on there? No, look at my nails. Okay? Look at my... Look at, like... Okay?

we're in love i'm for the first time in love with someone um i've i realize i've never been in love before and um and and i was like conditioned to be like well i'm so happy for you Go, girl. You deserve happiness. I love you so much. Like, you know, just kind of, you know, brainwashed to worship your parent, your mom and and vilify my dad. And so I was just kind of like, I got you, you know.

we're in love i'm for the first time in love with someone um i've i realize i've never been in love before and um and and i was like conditioned to be like well i'm so happy for you Go, girl. You deserve happiness. I love you so much. Like, you know, just kind of, you know, brainwashed to worship your parent, your mom and and vilify my dad. And so I was just kind of like, I got you, you know.

Did you stay friends with that friend? We tried, but no. did they end up like living together ever like your mom and the guy like did it ever go viral they they were they they were together i think for like two months oh oh quick yeah like almost destroy like a family and then like you know i met someone new and like and now i really know what love is like 10 times God bless her. Love.

Did you stay friends with that friend? We tried, but no. did they end up like living together ever like your mom and the guy like did it ever go viral they they were they they were together i think for like two months oh oh quick yeah like almost destroy like a family and then like you know i met someone new and like and now i really know what love is like 10 times God bless her. Love.

She is so self-aware. And we are in a good place. But, yeah. And you know what? And I really, like, judged her when I was 30 because I kept crazy journals. I read back from, you know, from 12 to 21, I kept these journals. And I'm like, oh, my God, this woman, you know. And then, but now that I'm a mom and...

She is so self-aware. And we are in a good place. But, yeah. And you know what? And I really, like, judged her when I was 30 because I kept crazy journals. I read back from, you know, from 12 to 21, I kept these journals. And I'm like, oh, my God, this woman, you know. And then, but now that I'm a mom and...

Unless one of my son's friends has a dad that's at all even a little interested.

Unless one of my son's friends has a dad that's at all even a little interested.

I handle emergencies and that kind of stuff. I stay very chill. Just know that everything you're asking me in my mind, I'm like,

I handle emergencies and that kind of stuff. I stay very chill. Just know that everything you're asking me in my mind, I'm like,

now i feel attacked that's your favorite porn no no but i had a phase with that sure oh you did yeah sure what's your favorite porn uh well the thing is and i was hoping this would come up yeah i figured um i i feel like i can't say it because you know a lot of porn is like from real life situations that go awry

now i feel attacked that's your favorite porn no no but i had a phase with that sure oh you did yeah sure what's your favorite porn uh well the thing is and i was hoping this would come up yeah i figured um i i feel like i can't say it because you know a lot of porn is like from real life situations that go awry

And then I'm getting a massage or I'm in a car or I'm whatever and I don't want like the driver or the, you know, I don't want them, you know, you have to live your real life. So, you know, I'll tell you later. Okay, yeah. You don't want anyone to get the right idea. Is podcast porn a thing? They should make that where it's like, you're like, and then all of a sudden.

And then I'm getting a massage or I'm in a car or I'm whatever and I don't want like the driver or the, you know, I don't want them, you know, you have to live your real life. So, you know, I'll tell you later. Okay, yeah. You don't want anyone to get the right idea. Is podcast porn a thing? They should make that where it's like, you're like, and then all of a sudden.

I'm like, Amy, give me that foot. Give me your bare foot.

I'm like, Amy, give me that foot. Give me your bare foot.

Right. Well, I didn't start saying until after college. I was 23. And I did not.

Right. Well, I didn't start saying until after college. I was 23. And I did not.

even think about the possibility of making a living from it but the first time i got a college gig and they were like we're paying you 800 for one hour and i ran oh my god around my apartment do it like laps around my apartment like it's like the best feeling i've ever felt i was like well will i feel this good if i ever have a baby um and as someone who's had a baby no no okay um

even think about the possibility of making a living from it but the first time i got a college gig and they were like we're paying you 800 for one hour and i ran oh my god around my apartment do it like laps around my apartment like it's like the best feeling i've ever felt i was like well will i feel this good if i ever have a baby um and as someone who's had a baby no no okay um

That's a gig. It was so far upstate. Colleges pay well. And it was so far upstate New York that it was like you flew into Canada and just no one else wanted to do it. So I got it. And...

That's a gig. It was so far upstate. Colleges pay well. And it was so far upstate New York that it was like you flew into Canada and just no one else wanted to do it. So I got it. And...

yeah and then I was like oh my god if I can just make a living doing this that's all I want but then you know you you start you get there and you go what's next what's next what's next and so yeah and then like you know I really want to try and make a lot of money we after the roast of Charlie Sheen I'd like that was like you're obviously like a huge moment that was big on your Wikipedia at least that's what it reads and

yeah and then I was like oh my god if I can just make a living doing this that's all I want but then you know you you start you get there and you go what's next what's next what's next and so yeah and then like you know I really want to try and make a lot of money we after the roast of Charlie Sheen I'd like that was like you're obviously like a huge moment that was big on your Wikipedia at least that's what it reads and

Uh, but yeah, my, my friends. Yeah. But really like I wouldn't do that to an audience again. I wouldn't do a roast again. Why? I just was young and like, didn't realize that people's feelings really get hurt.

Uh, but yeah, my, my friends. Yeah. But really like I wouldn't do that to an audience again. I wouldn't do a roast again. Why? I just was young and like, didn't realize that people's feelings really get hurt.

oh you know I mean that's so that sounds so stupid but it was like you know you and especially when you're starting out you just think okay these people are so famous I'm a completely unknown comedian who cares what I say but then you know like oh that probably really did hurt that person's feelings or something you think well I know it's hurt people's feelings but I also feel like there's been like a random rise again and like the Netflix specials are roast and people are roasting and people are like liking it like obviously we saw Nikki Glaser had like a huge moment because people were like oh my god like keep fucking roast

oh you know I mean that's so that sounds so stupid but it was like you know you and especially when you're starting out you just think okay these people are so famous I'm a completely unknown comedian who cares what I say but then you know like oh that probably really did hurt that person's feelings or something you think well I know it's hurt people's feelings but I also feel like there's been like a random rise again and like the Netflix specials are roast and people are roasting and people are like liking it like obviously we saw Nikki Glaser had like a huge moment because people were like oh my god like keep fucking roast

oh my god she killed no i love watching roasts and they're so funny i just don't like i couldn't do it because hard i don't i absolutely go for like the jugular bring a gun to a knife fight but also um

oh my god she killed no i love watching roasts and they're so funny i just don't like i couldn't do it because hard i don't i absolutely go for like the jugular bring a gun to a knife fight but also um

i don't know like i just feel and with the audience i wouldn't you know i used to be like if you're gonna like heckle me or something like you're gonna be handed your ass and and now i'm like it's just better to diffuse it yeah and and you know i think just from therapy and maybe becoming a mom you're like i kind of want like peace yeah like i i don't i will not feel better if i hurt you

i don't know like i just feel and with the audience i wouldn't you know i used to be like if you're gonna like heckle me or something like you're gonna be handed your ass and and now i'm like it's just better to diffuse it yeah and and you know i think just from therapy and maybe becoming a mom you're like i kind of want like peace yeah like i i don't i will not feel better if i hurt you

But you're good at it. Good to know. It's in your arsenal. But hold on. With my husband, if we're talking shit about other people, like, you know. Of course. Every night. The worst people in the whole world. I wish I could, like, be a fly on the wall.

But you're good at it. Good to know. It's in your arsenal. But hold on. With my husband, if we're talking shit about other people, like, you know. Of course. Every night. The worst people in the whole world. I wish I could, like, be a fly on the wall.

Oh, God. It's so, yeah. I mean, I think that's why we click so much.

Oh, God. It's so, yeah. I mean, I think that's why we click so much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would say only every single day, all day, every moment of every single day, every day. yeah all day wow yeah okay yes yes it's so sad it is sad and i would love to say something different but the the only thing to do is be in the highest position of power and call the shots because the second you're in somebody else's you know um

I would say only every single day, all day, every moment of every single day, every day. yeah all day wow yeah okay yes yes it's so sad it is sad and i would love to say something different but the the only thing to do is be in the highest position of power and call the shots because the second you're in somebody else's you know um

was a ballroom I'm like I don't I don't know why are you in a ballroom but it's just if you're not at the and even when you are yeah at the top of the food chain it's still it's it's there's no relief and and I've and any woman that you think might have it different does not at all and at no point ever Yeah. There's like some Gloria Steinem quote. Oh, I love her.

was a ballroom I'm like I don't I don't know why are you in a ballroom but it's just if you're not at the and even when you are yeah at the top of the food chain it's still it's it's there's no relief and and I've and any woman that you think might have it different does not at all and at no point ever Yeah. There's like some Gloria Steinem quote. Oh, I love her.

Yeah, it's like any woman who, like, I'm going to butcher it, but like who decides to, you know, live an interesting life or something will be treated as a cruel joke and she'll need her sisterhood. And I'm sorry because I butchered it, but, you know. No, no, no, the concept. I get it. And I wish it wasn't like that and I... Goddamn, I wish it wasn't like that.

Yeah, it's like any woman who, like, I'm going to butcher it, but like who decides to, you know, live an interesting life or something will be treated as a cruel joke and she'll need her sisterhood. And I'm sorry because I butchered it, but, you know. No, no, no, the concept. I get it. And I wish it wasn't like that and I... Goddamn, I wish it wasn't like that.

Like I want to be one time a promoter. But I'm like, no, every second of every day, every set, every everything.

Like I want to be one time a promoter. But I'm like, no, every second of every day, every set, every everything.

Everyone just thinks that women are. at at any point might lose it and they're just waiting for you and so every day it's like memento you have to like start over and and remind everyone that you're in your position for a reason every day every day and i just want to say this since you asked every year You're in like a chain, like a WhatsApp chat or text chain with the other moms in class.

Everyone just thinks that women are. at at any point might lose it and they're just waiting for you and so every day it's like memento you have to like start over and and remind everyone that you're in your position for a reason every day every day and i just want to say this since you asked every year You're in like a chain, like a WhatsApp chat or text chain with the other moms in class.

I mean, with other parents. And then they pick, they designate class moms. You know, they go like, and they haven't changed it to be PC. They haven't made it to class parents. Okay, class mom. It's class moms because the moms are the ones handling shit and communicating and we text and whatever. And then once in a while, like a dad will pop in there and we'll be like, Rick, are you lost?

I mean, with other parents. And then they pick, they designate class moms. You know, they go like, and they haven't changed it to be PC. They haven't made it to class parents. Okay, class mom. It's class moms because the moms are the ones handling shit and communicating and we text and whatever. And then once in a while, like a dad will pop in there and we'll be like, Rick, are you lost?

You know, like the moms are really getting things done. Right. And and I just like think like I want people at home to imagine like. Imagine if your dad one year was in charge of planning your birthday party. I wouldn't have had one. No, okay? Your dad is like, I'm going to handle it this year, okay? Any dad is like, I got it. Or anything. Or planned anything.

You know, like the moms are really getting things done. Right. And and I just like think like I want people at home to imagine like. Imagine if your dad one year was in charge of planning your birthday party. I wouldn't have had one. No, okay? Your dad is like, I'm going to handle it this year, okay? Any dad is like, I got it. Or anything. Or planned anything.

they communicate, they can't, and I think this is, and men are in charge of the world. It's terrible. The world. And that's why we're in so many wars. I think that it's not even on purpose. I think probably these men were probably just trying to plan a birthday party. No.

they communicate, they can't, and I think this is, and men are in charge of the world. It's terrible. The world. And that's why we're in so many wars. I think that it's not even on purpose. I think probably these men were probably just trying to plan a birthday party. No.

You're a whore. And you're a whore.

You're a whore. And you're a whore.

I think they're afraid of women and they're afraid. I really do. I think I think.

I think they're afraid of women and they're afraid. I really do. I think I think.

i think men are terrified of women i think they're it goes back to how they feel about their moms i think they feel guilty about their mom i mean we all feel guilty about our moms yeah and and just scared it everything we've ever seen all the old movies all the books all the you know it's like it's all from the guy's point of view it's all the male gaze the slow pan up from her heel and it's just starting

i think men are terrified of women i think they're it goes back to how they feel about their moms i think they feel guilty about their mom i mean we all feel guilty about our moms yeah and and just scared it everything we've ever seen all the old movies all the books all the you know it's like it's all from the guy's point of view it's all the male gaze the slow pan up from her heel and it's just starting

gonna get better and so if i were to say to gloria stein i'm like what the hell she'd be like it's so much better than it was but what it was was that not that long ago you needed you know your husband to get a credit card and we couldn't we couldn't vote and like you know here we are and here we

gonna get better and so if i were to say to gloria stein i'm like what the hell she'd be like it's so much better than it was but what it was was that not that long ago you needed you know your husband to get a credit card and we couldn't we couldn't vote and like you know here we are and here we

You know, I remember in college, I would kind of try to talk a big game and be like really confident, like, you know, Mae West or maybe a more up to date reference. And then we would like I would go home with them. I remember I went home with this guy one time and he had like I don't know, like pit bulls or Doberman pinch. I don't know.

You know, I remember in college, I would kind of try to talk a big game and be like really confident, like, you know, Mae West or maybe a more up to date reference. And then we would like I would go home with them. I remember I went home with this guy one time and he had like I don't know, like pit bulls or Doberman pinch. I don't know.

He had these like dogs and he was like, just, I think he had like an ankle bracelet on, you know, like he was on parole or something. And like we were, and we're like kissing and like, we're like in the laundry room of my dorm. And it was like, it just all happened so quick. And I was like naked. And, And I was like, I am in way over my head. I am not this experience sexually.

He had these like dogs and he was like, just, I think he had like an ankle bracelet on, you know, like he was on parole or something. And like we were, and we're like kissing and like, we're like in the laundry room of my dorm. And it was like, it just all happened so quick. And I was like naked. And, And I was like, I am in way over my head. I am not this experience sexually.

I have been completely bullshitting this guy, trying to like act like I know something. And yeah, I still... But no, nobody ever... Yeah. He knew I was full of shit too.

I have been completely bullshitting this guy, trying to like act like I know something. And yeah, I still... But no, nobody ever... Yeah. He knew I was full of shit too.

I'm actually super vulnerable and scared of your penis.

I'm actually super vulnerable and scared of your penis.

20s and 30s. I think, like I remember the first time when I was a teenager and my first boyfriend was like fingering me or something and I was like wet and I was really embarrassed and I thought it was a bad thing so I kept going to the bathroom and like wiping it up, you know, I had no idea. And then in college, I think I was so drunk all the time.

20s and 30s. I think, like I remember the first time when I was a teenager and my first boyfriend was like fingering me or something and I was like wet and I was really embarrassed and I thought it was a bad thing so I kept going to the bathroom and like wiping it up, you know, I had no idea. And then in college, I think I was so drunk all the time.

I feel like my self-esteem was super low because I went to Towson University and that was number one for Playboy for hottest women that year.

I feel like my self-esteem was super low because I went to Towson University and that was number one for Playboy for hottest women that year.

and are you serious so i was just like an actual troll with like the physique of brian cox and i was like you know like i just look like an mma fighter and you know i'd have to wait you know like i would black out and so i you know i didn't even think about work like trying to have an orgasm probably until i was

and are you serious so i was just like an actual troll with like the physique of brian cox and i was like you know like i just look like an mma fighter and you know i'd have to wait you know like i would black out and so i you know i didn't even think about work like trying to have an orgasm probably until i was

I probably didn't have the confidence to try and have the guy make me cum until I was like in my 30s.

I probably didn't have the confidence to try and have the guy make me cum until I was like in my 30s.

No, I'm really tearing. It might be because the mic is so heavy, but I really, it's not that. That's a dream for someone to say that to me and for you to say that to me.

No, I'm really tearing. It might be because the mic is so heavy, but I really, it's not that. That's a dream for someone to say that to me and for you to say that to me.

I have never come from penetration, ma'am. it's a scary thing to say out loud. No, it's not. I mean, it's scary because nobody talks about it, you know, because we're all like, you know, getting an Oscar, but getting an Oscar, but no, I, I, you know, I've had generous partners who understand like that, you know, I need to orgasm first. And I know you subscribe to that 100% on your Wikipedia.

I have never come from penetration, ma'am. it's a scary thing to say out loud. No, it's not. I mean, it's scary because nobody talks about it, you know, because we're all like, you know, getting an Oscar, but getting an Oscar, but no, I, I, you know, I've had generous partners who understand like that, you know, I need to orgasm first. And I know you subscribe to that 100% on your Wikipedia.

It says to make her come.

It says to make her come.

no coming through penetration but it's it makes people really mad it does it makes people well i mean not about me but like oh shoot there was this documentary about this woman who had um uh she was doing all these studies and was like shoot do you have an information person no

no coming through penetration but it's it makes people really mad it does it makes people well i mean not about me but like oh shoot there was this documentary about this woman who had um uh she was doing all these studies and was like shoot do you have an information person no

no i know it's like it's hard to give a compliment and it's hard to take a compliment but i'm taking it right right in right now this is close to the britney mentioning me in the book and i'm not i'm not fucking with you i am honored thank you for saying that of course no so i'm a huge fan so thank you for being here no it's good quite a while it's good it's good um okay i'm gonna ask you a bunch of just random questions to get us started are you ready okay okay okay i'm ready okay ready okay i'm ready whatever comes to your mind you're just gonna answer it ready okay

no i know it's like it's hard to give a compliment and it's hard to take a compliment but i'm taking it right right in right now this is close to the britney mentioning me in the book and i'm not i'm not fucking with you i am honored thank you for saying that of course no so i'm a huge fan so thank you for being here no it's good quite a while it's good it's good um okay i'm gonna ask you a bunch of just random questions to get us started are you ready okay okay okay i'm ready okay ready okay i'm ready whatever comes to your mind you're just gonna answer it ready okay

yeah we can google the height report the height report or the kite report the kite report the height or the kite very different but could be the height report the height report and she was like she was reporting on women's real sexual experiences and like giving feedback and she was like completely of course shunned and of course had to like move to europe which is what we do with all of our famous shun people like do you pull your dick out when no one wants that go to europe

yeah we can google the height report the height report or the kite report the kite report the height or the kite very different but could be the height report the height report and she was like she was reporting on women's real sexual experiences and like giving feedback and she was like completely of course shunned and of course had to like move to europe which is what we do with all of our famous shun people like do you pull your dick out when no one wants that go to europe

I think.

I think.

Yeah, you feel you're most confident. What if I was like, as a mom? No, I'm like... Yeah, because I'm like, you know, it's like you're playing a little bit of a part, you know, even though my stage persona is pretty close to who I am. Yeah. It's still like you're in charge and empowered and, you know, whatever.

Yeah, you feel you're most confident. What if I was like, as a mom? No, I'm like... Yeah, because I'm like, you know, it's like you're playing a little bit of a part, you know, even though my stage persona is pretty close to who I am. Yeah. It's still like you're in charge and empowered and, you know, whatever.

I mean, it hurts to have a lot of hate thrown at you from the Internet. It doesn't feel good. I was definitely coming up in comedy when it was, you know, the height of like people on the Internet, like letting, you know, giving giving me feedback. Yeah. And I I don't know. I have always I have always thought. I've always felt hot.

I mean, it hurts to have a lot of hate thrown at you from the Internet. It doesn't feel good. I was definitely coming up in comedy when it was, you know, the height of like people on the Internet, like letting, you know, giving giving me feedback. Yeah. And I I don't know. I have always I have always thought. I've always felt hot.

i've got to say it i've always felt hot and then you have moments where you know you look in the mirror and you're like i'm shrek and then but like it's like it's like i have a little secret that i'm like i'm secretly hot you know what i mean and i've always had that and i don't know i'm 43 i'll see we'll check in um i think that's in a couple years when we're both living in europe yeah yeah true i don't

i've got to say it i've always felt hot and then you have moments where you know you look in the mirror and you're like i'm shrek and then but like it's like it's like i have a little secret that i'm like i'm secretly hot you know what i mean and i've always had that and i don't know i'm 43 i'll see we'll check in um i think that's in a couple years when we're both living in europe yeah yeah true i don't

You are. When I was going through... I guess it was like a year ago. And the internet really came for me after doing a bunch of press. And I was like, okay, everybody, relax. But then I was like... But then doctors were chiming in in the comments. And they were like, no, no, we think something's really up. Your face looks so crazy that we think something's up. And I'm like...

You are. When I was going through... I guess it was like a year ago. And the internet really came for me after doing a bunch of press. And I was like, okay, everybody, relax. But then I was like... But then doctors were chiming in in the comments. And they were like, no, no, we think something's really up. Your face looks so crazy that we think something's up. And I'm like...

i'm like wait i'm getting trolled by doctors you know and they were like we think you have something called cushing and it's like about spiking cortisol like about you know cortisol levels and you know steroids you know injection whatever and i was like wait okay i was like fuck off and then i was like wait i have been getting steroid injections um for my um in my scars um god here you know you're everybody in your audience is gonna want to fuck me um

i'm like wait i'm getting trolled by doctors you know and they were like we think you have something called cushing and it's like about spiking cortisol like about you know cortisol levels and you know steroids you know injection whatever and i was like wait okay i was like fuck off and then i was like wait i have been getting steroid injections um for my um in my scars um god here you know you're everybody in your audience is gonna want to fuck me um

I had a breast reduction, you know, C-section, whatever. And I'm like, you know, and so I got these, I was getting these steroid injections. And so it gave me this thing called Cushing syndrome, which I wouldn't have known if the internet hadn't come for me so hard. So right before I started filming Kind of Pregnant, which you guys have to check out on Netflix. We're getting there.

I had a breast reduction, you know, C-section, whatever. And I'm like, you know, and so I got these, I was getting these steroid injections. And so it gave me this thing called Cushing syndrome, which I wouldn't have known if the internet hadn't come for me so hard. So right before I started filming Kind of Pregnant, which you guys have to check out on Netflix. We're getting there.

I was like before right before we started rolling was when I learned I had this condition and that I had something called moon face. And then there's just I'm starring in a movie and there's a camera right in my face and I'm like.

I was like before right before we started rolling was when I learned I had this condition and that I had something called moon face. And then there's just I'm starring in a movie and there's a camera right in my face and I'm like.

and they're like rolling and I'm like oh my god and uh you know I asked some of the people close to me and everyone's like you look great you know but then you have like your one friend from high school that's like your face is looking like a little bit insane and you're like okay I love you yeah And so anyway, I got rid of like, it just has to work itself out.

and they're like rolling and I'm like oh my god and uh you know I asked some of the people close to me and everyone's like you look great you know but then you have like your one friend from high school that's like your face is looking like a little bit insane and you're like okay I love you yeah And so anyway, I got rid of like, it just has to work itself out.

There are two, there are two kinds of cushioning where, and one of them you could die. And so for like 24 hours I was like, I'm dead. Yeah. So I was feeling really down on myself before I started filming this movie.

There are two, there are two kinds of cushioning where, and one of them you could die. And so for like 24 hours I was like, I'm dead. Yeah. So I was feeling really down on myself before I started filming this movie.

Yeah. i was feeling so down on myself and i was like really having trouble figuring out how i was going to star in a movie while i had this going on and it just took one

Yeah. i was feeling so down on myself and i was like really having trouble figuring out how i was going to star in a movie while i had this going on and it just took one

friend who this girl Lorraine who lives in New Orleans um who's a director Lorraine Cafferty she uh she was like you know what and you know I think you look fucking great and you're gonna like she just and I just needed one person to just amp me up And I, you know. And you're like, let's go. Which is also, did you see the movie Young Adult? No. Oh, with Charlize Theron? Wait, no.

friend who this girl Lorraine who lives in New Orleans um who's a director Lorraine Cafferty she uh she was like you know what and you know I think you look fucking great and you're gonna like she just and I just needed one person to just amp me up And I, you know. And you're like, let's go. Which is also, did you see the movie Young Adult? No. Oh, with Charlize Theron? Wait, no.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, you have to see this movie.

Okay, you have to see this movie.

Anyway, that's just, I don't want to spoil the end for you, but. I'll watch it. You know, you just need one person to be like, go.

Anyway, that's just, I don't want to spoil the end for you, but. I'll watch it. You know, you just need one person to be like, go.

The Birds, Alfred Hitchcock. Oh. I know. So hack, right? But I mean, you know, everybody's a couple of comfort movies, but for some reason that movie gets you. Gets me. Gets you in your feet. And I know this is going to be like over when this comes out, but like, I'm so crazy about Wicked right now. Did you see it?

The Birds, Alfred Hitchcock. Oh. I know. So hack, right? But I mean, you know, everybody's a couple of comfort movies, but for some reason that movie gets you. Gets me. Gets you in your feet. And I know this is going to be like over when this comes out, but like, I'm so crazy about Wicked right now. Did you see it?

Like, but why?

Like, but why?

I did.

I did.

You know how quick I wanted to come here? I mean, that's it. You dress like you're in hospice and I love it. It's like, yes.

You know how quick I wanted to come here? I mean, that's it. You dress like you're in hospice and I love it. It's like, yes.

You know, your husband hates her. Oh, my God. They just got engaged. Well, that's going to that's going to be called off. That's fucked up he doesn't cook for her. I know. He does it so much, like, he's tired. This is like, and Chris knows, too. It's like, I can never leave him. Like, what? What? What am I going to do? Yeah, you're indebted to him. Yeah. He's locked. What's the main dish?

You know, your husband hates her. Oh, my God. They just got engaged. Well, that's going to that's going to be called off. That's fucked up he doesn't cook for her. I know. He does it so much, like, he's tired. This is like, and Chris knows, too. It's like, I can never leave him. Like, what? What? What am I going to do? Yeah, you're indebted to him. Yeah. He's locked. What's the main dish?

he that's the thing it's always yeah he's so last night he made shrimp pad thai but also you know i keep in the back of my head you know for a rainy day yeah i can just get takeout okay but no um you know when you're in fights and he's like well then i won't cook and you're like i'm already on doordash

he that's the thing it's always yeah he's so last night he made shrimp pad thai but also you know i keep in the back of my head you know for a rainy day yeah i can just get takeout okay but no um you know when you're in fights and he's like well then i won't cook and you're like i'm already on doordash

i have never yelled at him i can just get take out but i am keeping that tucked in the yeah it's kind of iconic yeah no we uh like we get along like we're just like toxic together and you know those are the best relationships yeah um when obviously you're like very famous

i have never yelled at him i can just get take out but i am keeping that tucked in the yeah it's kind of iconic yeah no we uh like we get along like we're just like toxic together and you know those are the best relationships yeah um when obviously you're like very famous

and yeah thanks thank you yeah still at the height you know i try to remind him yeah like you're a big fucking deal yeah he's like can you why don't you go in and i'm like i'm like very famous and he's like okay he just is not interested he doesn't care i was gonna say like what does he think of this fucking chaos

and yeah thanks thank you yeah still at the height you know i try to remind him yeah like you're a big fucking deal yeah he's like can you why don't you go in and i'm like i'm like very famous and he's like okay he just is not interested he doesn't care i was gonna say like what does he think of this fucking chaos

no it's like the same with my son or my husband it's like your mom and then you're my wife like i like i you know i think sometimes he'll try to empathize with it uh-huh uh he doesn't care he doesn't give a shit he doesn't care he's been around he like grew up on martha's vineyard oh so he's so rich no it's like on martha's vineyard there's like the rich people and then there's like the people that work for the rich people and that was him

no it's like the same with my son or my husband it's like your mom and then you're my wife like i like i you know i think sometimes he'll try to empathize with it uh-huh uh he doesn't care he doesn't give a shit he doesn't care he's been around he like grew up on martha's vineyard oh so he's so rich no it's like on martha's vineyard there's like the rich people and then there's like the people that work for the rich people and that was him

and that was him and and you know there's a nice community when like and i feel lucky that i grew you know grew up most of my life like very like without any money because you know chris had to really hustle to make it as a chef i had to really hustle to make it like didn't have a relative to ask for a hundred dollars yeah and um so but he did grow up with like some famous friends and oh that's kind of nice wait how old is your child i want to say five

and that was him and and you know there's a nice community when like and i feel lucky that i grew you know grew up most of my life like very like without any money because you know chris had to really hustle to make it as a chef i had to really hustle to make it like didn't have a relative to ask for a hundred dollars yeah and um so but he did grow up with like some famous friends and oh that's kind of nice wait how old is your child i want to say five

He has seen Trolls 3, which I did a voice in. Yeah, yeah. And he has seen The Moment in Trainwreck when I fall, like when I try to dunk. And he came in a lot when I was editing Kind of Pregnant. What does he think? Is he like, mommy? He's like, he thinks that the stunts are funny. He does. Yeah. Like the Zamboni scene? Yeah. Do you understand that? I don't think he saw the Zamboni scene.

He has seen Trolls 3, which I did a voice in. Yeah, yeah. And he has seen The Moment in Trainwreck when I fall, like when I try to dunk. And he came in a lot when I was editing Kind of Pregnant. What does he think? Is he like, mommy? He's like, he thinks that the stunts are funny. He does. Yeah. Like the Zamboni scene? Yeah. Do you understand that? I don't think he saw the Zamboni scene.

This was, what year was this?

This was, what year was this?

Probably. It probably would have scared him.

Probably. It probably would have scared him.

I have to be honest and just say that that was not... the that was not written by me that part and also the part in train wreck where i come out and dance was not my idea either it wasn't no this is this is that's the male intervention okay it was kind of funny we'll give them that yeah the zamboni was funny yeah um okay and also thank you for like telling everyone the end of my movie

I have to be honest and just say that that was not... the that was not written by me that part and also the part in train wreck where i come out and dance was not my idea either it wasn't no this is this is that's the male intervention okay it was kind of funny we'll give them that yeah the zamboni was funny yeah um okay and also thank you for like telling everyone the end of my movie

But obviously, Kind of pregnant is like the movie everyone's talking about, but... Yeah, it's the year. I just needed to get it off my chest.

But obviously, Kind of pregnant is like the movie everyone's talking about, but... Yeah, it's the year. I just needed to get it off my chest.

No, nobody would remember.

No, nobody would remember.

making this special stand up special and then I found out I was pregnant and we're like okay great that'll be part of the doc and then I was so sick I had something called hyperemesis gravidarum which This is good. Anybody listening? If you have severe nausea and vomiting and everyone's going, it's the first trimester. And you're like, I don't know. Hyperemesis gravidarum. That's a word.

making this special stand up special and then I found out I was pregnant and we're like okay great that'll be part of the doc and then I was so sick I had something called hyperemesis gravidarum which This is good. Anybody listening? If you have severe nausea and vomiting and everyone's going, it's the first trimester. And you're like, I don't know. Hyperemesis gravidarum. That's a word.

Wait, hyper? Hyperemesis gravidarum. So say it like slow. Slow. Hyper. Hyper. No. Hyper. Hyper means like a lot. Emesis means nausea.

Wait, hyper? Hyperemesis gravidarum. So say it like slow. Slow. Hyper. Hyper. No. Hyper. Hyper means like a lot. Emesis means nausea.

Emesis means vomiting.

Emesis means vomiting.

Hyper emesis gravidarum. Gravidarum. I feel like we're in like the craft and we're like hyper emesis gravidarum. Like we're going to make a skull. But yes, and they really underdiagnose everything with women. Of course. Including endometriosis. Hello, you're not supposed to have vile cramps. That's not normal. It usually takes 10 years to get a diagnosis for endometriosis. It's fucking insane.

Hyper emesis gravidarum. Gravidarum. I feel like we're in like the craft and we're like hyper emesis gravidarum. Like we're going to make a skull. But yes, and they really underdiagnose everything with women. Of course. Including endometriosis. Hello, you're not supposed to have vile cramps. That's not normal. It usually takes 10 years to get a diagnosis for endometriosis. It's fucking insane.

Anyway, something's up. Yep. It's not just normal. You're not being dramatic. Anyway, and then my husband was on the spectrum. No, I'm just kidding. So then after we were married like a couple months later, He would just do things where I'd be like... It would be such a different response than I was... That, like, sort of we were used to, you know?

Anyway, something's up. Yep. It's not just normal. You're not being dramatic. Anyway, and then my husband was on the spectrum. No, I'm just kidding. So then after we were married like a couple months later, He would just do things where I'd be like... It would be such a different response than I was... That, like, sort of we were used to, you know?

One time I fell and, you know, it's like... Everybody would be like, are you okay? You know? And he would just kind of, like... Like, just stare. You know? And it was like, oh. And he would also just say things in front of people. Part of what I fell in love with was that he'd be like...

One time I fell and, you know, it's like... Everybody would be like, are you okay? You know? And he would just kind of, like... Like, just stare. You know? And it was like, oh. And he would also just say things in front of people. Part of what I fell in love with was that he'd be like...

What? Right? I mean, that's crazy. That would definitely top the chart. Yeah. I mean, okay. You know what? I'm just going to get right into this here. Okay. Okay? And I've never said this anywhere.

What? Right? I mean, that's crazy. That would definitely top the chart. Yeah. I mean, okay. You know what? I'm just going to get right into this here. Okay. Okay? And I've never said this anywhere.

you know why is your like outfit so weird are you you know and uh says exactly what he thinks and i was like would you be interested i i just did like a little online test just me and uh and i was like oh for my test i was like he's on the spectrum and i said to him would you be interested in learning more about your brain like would you want to find out if you were on the spectrum

you know why is your like outfit so weird are you you know and uh says exactly what he thinks and i was like would you be interested i i just did like a little online test just me and uh and i was like oh for my test i was like he's on the spectrum and i said to him would you be interested in learning more about your brain like would you want to find out if you were on the spectrum

And he was like, yeah. That's a nice also way to like approach something. Yeah. And he had he said like, no, I would have been like, all right. But he went and he was tested. And yeah. And like and it's it's been amazing. Like it's it's been amazing for him. Yeah. And for me, it's like but it's because it's public and there aren't many adults that

And he was like, yeah. That's a nice also way to like approach something. Yeah. And he had he said like, no, I would have been like, all right. But he went and he was tested. And yeah. And like and it's it's been amazing. Like it's it's been amazing for him. Yeah. And for me, it's like but it's because it's public and there aren't many adults that

out yeah like everyone's like quiet about it because there's such a stigma so it's you know i think he's like really cool and brave that he's like out there like yeah and and how many and like how many people do you know where you're like this person's on the spectrum Who cares? They're, like, my favorite people.

out yeah like everyone's like quiet about it because there's such a stigma so it's you know i think he's like really cool and brave that he's like out there like yeah and and how many and like how many people do you know where you're like this person's on the spectrum Who cares? They're, like, my favorite people.

No, it's stupid. And I remember when I was a kid, people were embarrassed about ADHD. And now, like, people, that's the second thing they'll tell you about themselves. Of course. You know? And so I just... I hope that it gets more normalized and like, and I, you know, I feel like he's done his part and, um, I think it's great. Yeah. Great. And you know what?

No, it's stupid. And I remember when I was a kid, people were embarrassed about ADHD. And now, like, people, that's the second thing they'll tell you about themselves. Of course. You know? And so I just... I hope that it gets more normalized and like, and I, you know, I feel like he's done his part and, um, I think it's great. Yeah. Great. And you know what?

I like, you know, he of course annoys me. And like, there are days where I like, you know, want to kill him, but we, I would still choose him out of everyone I've ever met. Um, and, Yeah. I love it. And not just because he's a chef.

I like, you know, he of course annoys me. And like, there are days where I like, you know, want to kill him, but we, I would still choose him out of everyone I've ever met. Um, and, Yeah. I love it. And not just because he's a chef.

But when I was sort of at my... kind of peak, like, touring arenas, whatever. And I'll say it, because this is where you say it. Were they a professional athlete? Sure. Did I text them, like, late at night and they came over, went down on me, and then I said, I'm so tired, I'm so sorry, and they left? Yes. And you know who you are. Not the look into the camera.

But when I was sort of at my... kind of peak, like, touring arenas, whatever. And I'll say it, because this is where you say it. Were they a professional athlete? Sure. Did I text them, like, late at night and they came over, went down on me, and then I said, I'm so tired, I'm so sorry, and they left? Yes. And you know who you are. Not the look into the camera.

um no when i saw this like suede ass couch i said yes no that's really nice because i haven't i haven't starred in a movie in a while this script was sent to me you know and like i'm like a little snot like i won't do you know i'm like for me to like give that much time and energy to something i have to be into it and i was like i think this is a really good idea a woman faking a pregnancy is so insane

um no when i saw this like suede ass couch i said yes no that's really nice because i haven't i haven't starred in a movie in a while this script was sent to me you know and like i'm like a little snot like i won't do you know i'm like for me to like give that much time and energy to something i have to be into it and i was like i think this is a really good idea a woman faking a pregnancy is so insane

yeah and uh and i just there was like the backbone was there like the skeleton was there to like you know i to to to shape a bunch of it and you know i like i'm trying to just show women having fun and being equals you know and like female friendships um And so it was like that was also there for me and clearly the point of the movie.

yeah and uh and i just there was like the backbone was there like the skeleton was there to like you know i to to to shape a bunch of it and you know i like i'm trying to just show women having fun and being equals you know and like female friendships um And so it was like that was also there for me and clearly the point of the movie.

Like it's, you know, it's described as a rom-com and it is, but it kind of isn't. It's like more about like the love story of the friendship.

Like it's, you know, it's described as a rom-com and it is, but it kind of isn't. It's like more about like the love story of the friendship.

Yeah, yeah. But do you now hear it out loud and like see that? Knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But do you now hear it out loud and like see that? Knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No children are stabbed in this movie.

No children are stabbed in this movie.

Okay. Okay. Just like. They're like, Amy Schumer goes on Call Her Daddy and they talk about. No child gets stabbed during the movie.

Okay. Okay. Just like. They're like, Amy Schumer goes on Call Her Daddy and they talk about. No child gets stabbed during the movie.

Funny scene. Funny child knife scene.

Funny scene. Funny child knife scene.

kind of embodying the concept of like stop constantly comparing yourself to other people around you yeah i think you know this movie is about a like i think my character's laney and she when she's a little girl loses her mom and is just like doesn't want to be alone so she's like has the idea of like wants a lot of family around her and i didn't have a lot of family around me as a kid and i connected to that and i would my friends would have like big families and i would kind of

kind of embodying the concept of like stop constantly comparing yourself to other people around you yeah i think you know this movie is about a like i think my character's laney and she when she's a little girl loses her mom and is just like doesn't want to be alone so she's like has the idea of like wants a lot of family around her and i didn't have a lot of family around me as a kid and i connected to that and i would my friends would have like big families and i would kind of

go and hang with them and be like oh one day i want a family and like she just thinks that's a way to not be alone and then um you know realizes that you're i mean for me my my favorite times are are with my girlfriends and like laughing and having a dinner or whatever. I'm really close to my girls from home and my friends that I've made since I've been older.

go and hang with them and be like oh one day i want a family and like she just thinks that's a way to not be alone and then um you know realizes that you're i mean for me my my favorite times are are with my girlfriends and like laughing and having a dinner or whatever. I'm really close to my girls from home and my friends that I've made since I've been older.

And like that's where a lot of my joy comes from. I don't ever say joy in real life. So I feel like just because I'm on this couch, can you just like believe, can you voice over and have someone say something I would say? Like what? Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. But my good vibes and having fun. You know, it's like I love joyful. Yeah. I love my family. But, you know, you're girls. Yeah.

And like that's where a lot of my joy comes from. I don't ever say joy in real life. So I feel like just because I'm on this couch, can you just like believe, can you voice over and have someone say something I would say? Like what? Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. But my good vibes and having fun. You know, it's like I love joyful. Yeah. I love my family. But, you know, you're girls. Yeah.

And that's happened a couple of times and I'm not proud of it. And I think like, you know, and the ambulance is good for this moment because this is like when I actually get actually canceled. No, but it's all about, you know, you want to be a giving lover and whatever, whatever. But at this moment, it was like, you know, some people like will blow a guy and that's the end of the night.

And that's happened a couple of times and I'm not proud of it. And I think like, you know, and the ambulance is good for this moment because this is like when I actually get actually canceled. No, but it's all about, you know, you want to be a giving lover and whatever, whatever. But at this moment, it was like, you know, some people like will blow a guy and that's the end of the night.

And I think I was the last one of my friends like to have a kid.

And I think I was the last one of my friends like to have a kid.

And I didn't I was not someone who was like always knew she wanted to be a mom. And yeah, it was until Chris was literally like, we're going to have a family. And I was like, oh, but I am also like if you were like if someone's like, should I have kids? I'm like, probably not.

And I didn't I was not someone who was like always knew she wanted to be a mom. And yeah, it was until Chris was literally like, we're going to have a family. And I was like, oh, but I am also like if you were like if someone's like, should I have kids? I'm like, probably not.

you know like it's not looking good you know things aren't looking good so right i just i think it's and also i think people get intimidated if you haven't like ever spent time around little kids you you feel confused and so your friends can kind of alienate themselves because they're like okay i don't understand this and i don't understand children but you know you don't you love your friends and you want them to be a part of your life and

you know like it's not looking good you know things aren't looking good so right i just i think it's and also i think people get intimidated if you haven't like ever spent time around little kids you you feel confused and so your friends can kind of alienate themselves because they're like okay i don't understand this and i don't understand children but you know you don't you love your friends and you want them to be a part of your life and

but you don't want them to be uncomfortable it's like i would love for my friends who don't have kids to like be in my life or my child's life um but because you but then it's like you have a kid you you understand that i don't need you don't like you don't need your friends to phone over your kid you you have such a good thing with your kid yeah and you know they're cute and you know they love you

but you don't want them to be uncomfortable it's like i would love for my friends who don't have kids to like be in my life or my child's life um but because you but then it's like you have a kid you you understand that i don't need you don't like you don't need your friends to phone over your kid you you have such a good thing with your kid yeah and you know they're cute and you know they love you

So you don't need... And I think people think, oh, I'm supposed to play some other role. Yeah, like, you don't even need to mention, like, the kid's name. But I'll be, like, obsessed with some of my friend's kids. And, like, you know, they're... But then also, like, I don't remember all their names. It's like, you have your own... You're like, I'm good. Me and my kid are good. Like, you know.

So you don't need... And I think people think, oh, I'm supposed to play some other role. Yeah, like, you don't even need to mention, like, the kid's name. But I'll be, like, obsessed with some of my friend's kids. And, like, you know, they're... But then also, like, I don't remember all their names. It's like, you have your own... You're like, I'm good. Me and my kid are good. Like, you know.

But really, I'm not, like... If someone were like, you know, I just don't feel like everybody has to have kids.

But really, I'm not, like... If someone were like, you know, I just don't feel like everybody has to have kids.

Every one of my friends, I would say... I would say, like, almost 100% of my friends have had miscarriages. And I feel, like, lucky that we all, like, feel comfortable sharing that with each other.

Every one of my friends, I would say... I would say, like, almost 100% of my friends have had miscarriages. And I feel, like, lucky that we all, like, feel comfortable sharing that with each other.

Because, like, it's so painful and, you know, whatever. I'm, like, going to say people don't talk about it, but they do because I've heard people say they don't talk about it. But I just feel like... It's the most sensitive thing, I think, for any woman. Like, that's the most painful thing I can imagine. Yeah.

Because, like, it's so painful and, you know, whatever. I'm, like, going to say people don't talk about it, but they do because I've heard people say they don't talk about it. But I just feel like... It's the most sensitive thing, I think, for any woman. Like, that's the most painful thing I can imagine. Yeah.

So I kind of, you know, did it my way to quote Frank Sinatra.

So I kind of, you know, did it my way to quote Frank Sinatra.

And we didn't have sex. Oh, right. Babe, he went down on me. And then I yawned and was like, it's been a, I mean, that's a moment in train wreck.

And we didn't have sex. Oh, right. Babe, he went down on me. And then I yawned and was like, it's been a, I mean, that's a moment in train wreck.

You're welcome. And like, that's not, you know, the most popular move that gets the best response. But that's the truth. I kind of feel like that would keep them wanting way more.

You're welcome. And like, that's not, you know, the most popular move that gets the best response. But that's the truth. I kind of feel like that would keep them wanting way more.

i that i that's happened probably three times in my in my life when i was in my hay yeah okay and uh and what you know one of them was furious i remember and um and one of them was like totally fine with it and you know what the baseball player was pretty cool about it

i that i that's happened probably three times in my in my life when i was in my hay yeah okay and uh and what you know one of them was furious i remember and um and one of them was like totally fine with it and you know what the baseball player was pretty cool about it

No, I think it's like I just made you come and now you're kicking me out. And I'm like, oh, my God, what does it feel like to be a woman? You know?

No, I think it's like I just made you come and now you're kicking me out. And I'm like, oh, my God, what does it feel like to be a woman? You know?

hmm okay okay um i'm gonna say either christian bale or beyonce the range yeah but i don't think i would get a hall pass i would give a hall pass you wouldn't get but i wouldn't get one no but it's good to like think about it like it's i think it's even better when it's like a dream and like i don't know if you'd actually even want to do it yeah it's kind of like don't be your heroes

hmm okay okay um i'm gonna say either christian bale or beyonce the range yeah but i don't think i would get a hall pass i would give a hall pass you wouldn't get but i wouldn't get one no but it's good to like think about it like it's i think it's even better when it's like a dream and like i don't know if you'd actually even want to do it yeah it's kind of like don't be your heroes

How many can I have? You can have as many as you want. Okay. Method man. Can I get my phone out? No. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And he knows. And he knows. And he's his beautiful wife and whatever. And he's like, so doesn't.

How many can I have? You can have as many as you want. Okay. Method man. Can I get my phone out? No. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And he knows. And he knows. And he's his beautiful wife and whatever. And he's like, so doesn't.

Yeah. But why? Did he say something to you? No. Well.

Yeah. But why? Did he say something to you? No. Well.

What is your most embarrassing interaction in Hollywood? Oh, my God, so many, so many, so many, so many. Okay, this is a long time ago, but I was at an Equinox Flex. Get it. And Alec Baldwin was there. This is 25 years ago, okay? And he was getting water, and I was behind him at the water fountain, and I quoted Glengarry Glen Ross, and I said, "'Water is for closers.'"

What is your most embarrassing interaction in Hollywood? Oh, my God, so many, so many, so many, so many. Okay, this is a long time ago, but I was at an Equinox Flex. Get it. And Alec Baldwin was there. This is 25 years ago, okay? And he was getting water, and I was behind him at the water fountain, and I quoted Glengarry Glen Ross, and I said, "'Water is for closers.'"

Well just so you know both Megan Thee Stallion and Britney Spears has one of those shady DMs for me sitting in their inbox so I know the feeling and never has it been read never have they been read but I you know. I was so happy to see that. What is your angle with Megan Thee Stallion? What are you trying to get in there for?

Well just so you know both Megan Thee Stallion and Britney Spears has one of those shady DMs for me sitting in their inbox so I know the feeling and never has it been read never have they been read but I you know. I was so happy to see that. What is your angle with Megan Thee Stallion? What are you trying to get in there for?

And I should have killed myself instantly. I don't remember. Like I blacked out because it was so stupid. I don't know if he acknowledged me, but I am sorry.

And I should have killed myself instantly. I don't remember. Like I blacked out because it was so stupid. I don't know if he acknowledged me, but I am sorry.

Yes. He's been nothing but really nice to me. Did he remember that moment or no? I don't think so. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember anything. Like, do you do drugs?

Yes. He's been nothing but really nice to me. Did he remember that moment or no? I don't think so. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember anything. Like, do you do drugs?

Okay, right. Good. No, no, I've never done cocaine. I've never done ecstasy. You've never done cocaine? Never cocaine, never ecstasy. Mushrooms and weed, you know.

Okay, right. Good. No, no, I've never done cocaine. I've never done ecstasy. You've never done cocaine? Never cocaine, never ecstasy. Mushrooms and weed, you know.

No, that's good because like it has. I'm like, I won't remember what we talked about today.

No, that's good because like it has. I'm like, I won't remember what we talked about today.

No, I am no longer with us. But at least you're still funny.

No, I am no longer with us. But at least you're still funny.

Oh, God. So many. Like, you know, there's so much out there about me. Oh, well, this is fun. At my wedding, People magazine reported some celebrities who were there. And they said that Jennifer Aniston was there. And she was not there. But my mom, who is 75, said, I think what happened was from behind... I look exactly like Jennifer Aniston.

Oh, God. So many. Like, you know, there's so much out there about me. Oh, well, this is fun. At my wedding, People magazine reported some celebrities who were there. And they said that Jennifer Aniston was there. And she was not there. But my mom, who is 75, said, I think what happened was from behind... I look exactly like Jennifer Aniston.

And I'm like, you just had knee surgery and you're in your mid-70s, you know. But I just said, oh, okay. Oh, mom. So that was, yeah. That tells me a lot about your mom. That does tell you a lot about my mom.

And I'm like, you just had knee surgery and you're in your mid-70s, you know. But I just said, oh, okay. Oh, mom. So that was, yeah. That tells me a lot about your mom. That does tell you a lot about my mom.

OK, this is this is really controversial. Oh, why are you looking away from me? Because I'm already regretting saying it. And it's not really even a thing. OK, it's not even a pet peeve. My pet peeve is men. But also... But also... And I already said men, right? Yeah, you said men. Okay, I said men. My other... This is kind of like a fun little not really... Okay.

OK, this is this is really controversial. Oh, why are you looking away from me? Because I'm already regretting saying it. And it's not really even a thing. OK, it's not even a pet peeve. My pet peeve is men. But also... But also... And I already said men, right? Yeah, you said men. Okay, I said men. My other... This is kind of like a fun little not really... Okay.

Okay, I have a couple now that I'm going. Pickleball annoys me. Sorry. Have you ever played? No. Me either. I'm just hating from a distance.

Okay, I have a couple now that I'm going. Pickleball annoys me. Sorry. Have you ever played? No. Me either. I'm just hating from a distance.

So loud. And if you can vape while you're playing the sport, is it a sport? And... I don't like how a lot of people, and I don't know if you do this, so I'm so sorry.

So loud. And if you can vape while you're playing the sport, is it a sport? And... I don't like how a lot of people, and I don't know if you do this, so I'm so sorry.

Okay. The way that I think especially people, I don't know, both coasts. Say it. Have turned the word and into like a 10 syllable word, like and, and I'm like, okay. What?

Okay. The way that I think especially people, I don't know, both coasts. Say it. Have turned the word and into like a 10 syllable word, like and, and I'm like, okay. What?

i don't remember no that's the thing you send them you know you're like you know you feel connected to someone and actually i have met her i i'd met her at uh like i think an oscar thing okay and um when we both won oscars i don't know if you in your research came up but i won an oscar and so did megan maybe um and uh so i think i just wanted to be like

i don't remember no that's the thing you send them you know you're like you know you feel connected to someone and actually i have met her i i'd met her at uh like i think an oscar thing okay and um when we both won oscars i don't know if you in your research came up but i won an oscar and so did megan maybe um and uh so i think i just wanted to be like

Right, right, right. But... And... It starts E. They go, and... Who the fuck are you hanging out with? No, you're going to notice it now. You're going to notice it now. I don't think I've ever noticed that. You're going to listen back to the...

Right, right, right. But... And... It starts E. They go, and... Who the fuck are you hanging out with? No, you're going to notice it now. You're going to notice it now. I don't think I've ever noticed that. You're going to listen back to the...

That doesn't mean. Right. Just play tennis. Everyone's just so smug and they've got their racket and they're like and they look so happy. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's just the joy that they're feeling.

That doesn't mean. Right. Just play tennis. Everyone's just so smug and they've got their racket and they're like and they look so happy. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's just the joy that they're feeling.

And I'll never feel that joy. So, I mean, I guess that's what it's really about.

And I'll never feel that joy. So, I mean, I guess that's what it's really about.

OK, great. No, but I like tear a meniscus or something. And I like I just like when people are like you just hear these people like I got a pickleball injury and you're like, That's it. Loser. Absolutely. Get on a boat and leave. And guess who plays pickleball?

OK, great. No, but I like tear a meniscus or something. And I like I just like when people are like you just hear these people like I got a pickleball injury and you're like, That's it. Loser. Absolutely. Get on a boat and leave. And guess who plays pickleball?

My mom. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston plays pickleball. Jennifer Aniston. You heard it here first.

My mom. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston plays pickleball. Jennifer Aniston. You heard it here first.

Oh, this is fun. This is fun. So my dad is MS. He's in a wheelchair. Okay. What was the question? No, I'm just kidding.

Oh, this is fun. This is fun. So my dad is MS. He's in a wheelchair. Okay. What was the question? No, I'm just kidding.

But I love that you're such a good interviewer. May I give a compliment? Oh, sure. Of course. You're a great interviewer.

But I love that you're such a good interviewer. May I give a compliment? Oh, sure. Of course. You're a great interviewer.

You haven't even gotten into it yet.

You haven't even gotten into it yet.

Oh, okay. uh wait let me just get some of the hand sweat um no but wait what was i talking okay so my dad your dad so my dad so i was starting to date this comedian okay i don't know if he still does comedy but this is you know 20 years ago And we were supposed to work a weekend together at this club, like in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, okay. uh wait let me just get some of the hand sweat um no but wait what was i talking okay so my dad your dad so my dad so i was starting to date this comedian okay i don't know if he still does comedy but this is you know 20 years ago And we were supposed to work a weekend together at this club, like in the middle of nowhere.

And I was like, and the way he like kissed me, like he like, it was like soap opera. Like he like had a real moment with me, you know, like slow. And I was like, I want to go home. And so I pretended like I didn't feel well. And then in the morning I texted my mom at like 5am and I was like in an hour, call me and tell me that dad's in the hospital. And so I'm laying next to this guy.

And I was like, and the way he like kissed me, like he like, it was like soap opera. Like he like had a real moment with me, you know, like slow. And I was like, I want to go home. And so I pretended like I didn't feel well. And then in the morning I texted my mom at like 5am and I was like in an hour, call me and tell me that dad's in the hospital. And so I'm laying next to this guy.

And so my mom, who is a real gangster, calls me, goes, your dad's in the hospital. And the guy's still sleeping and I'm trying to cry. I'm like, oh my God, what? I have to leave on a plane. So I think that's the biggest lie. No, no, no.

And so my mom, who is a real gangster, calls me, goes, your dad's in the hospital. And the guy's still sleeping and I'm trying to cry. I'm like, oh my God, what? I have to leave on a plane. So I think that's the biggest lie. No, no, no.

I know. yeah but no my dad lives on he will not die he is very much with us but he did tell me the other day that he what he wants done with his ashes and I don't remember I need to write it down you know but this looks like a nice place is that an urn no no no but what he said was I just want to be with you and I'm like I don't think I can commit to eternity with my dad right now you know

I know. yeah but no my dad lives on he will not die he is very much with us but he did tell me the other day that he what he wants done with his ashes and I don't remember I need to write it down you know but this looks like a nice place is that an urn no no no but what he said was I just want to be with you and I'm like I don't think I can commit to eternity with my dad right now you know

yeah i think that's like a little much yeah like i don't know i want to see what my sister's up to like i want to see what everybody else is doing like your husband yeah like what i'm just gonna be with my dad forever like me and my dad like that's it yeah i think you can kind of do one of those where you're like absolutely and you look him in the eye and then once he's gone i flush his ashes right into the sea

should we have a friendship you know and she you know in return has you know not followed me so I respect I think she's smart I think that's a smart move I'm obsessed and then we'll leave the Britney one to the imagination no Britney has it but she mentioned me in her book and god damn that felt amazing street cred street cred

Yeah, I'll put him somewhere nice.

I don't wear jewelry at all because it like I just feel weird. It looks weird on me.

I don't know. It just looks weird on me. Yeah, I'm nothing. Yeah.

I have no I am not bejeweled anywhere.

No, I let my holes close, including my vagina.

like this thing that like if it's just just in you and it's like i should be like trying to keep a low pro yeah but you know i just i can't and i'll just get you know involved in anything that goes on and that's what's nice about new york is like that especially public transportation everybody's like together and the community aspect yeah yeah but yeah we does anyone ever be like fuck you amy schumer like at the fuck off like what yeah no i mean yes but no like you know no

No, not really. I feel like I'm like anonymous here in New York. Like no one cares. And they're expecting to see you. And they're almost like mad that it's either like this is a famous person we're running into. You know, can we get Rihanna? What the fuck?

They expect to see me. They're like, where were you? We went to the 30 Rock today. Yeah.

I would say... I think I'm exactly the same. What am I now? I would say, like my friends, loyal, psychotic, and funny. You were always psychotic. I was always psychotic. I was always just trying to make myself laugh. Oh, that's nice. You know, like have a good time.

I mean, and I would want to make my friends laugh and other people, but it was really about, I think, just trying to, you know, combat boredom and just like have fun. Completely. Yeah. Entertain myself.

Little Amy was voted the class clown. Classic. and Teacher's Worst Nightmare. But I was, I played volleyball. Okay. So I was pretty serious about volleyball, so I wasn't like doing theater. But I did start plays when I was five, but then I got real into volleyball. And you're soccer, right? You did your research.

Don't you like when someone's like, I guess I looked at Wikipedia and feels like a hero?

Well, I was like actress, but I got really into volleyball. And then I had a bad surfing accident. Oh. And so I was taken out for the season. And I don't know if I could have played D1, but I was definitely going to play in college.

Somewhere. But you couldn't play volleyball and do the plays.

Oh, God. I mean, I ran for... I believe I ran for president of student council as a freshman. That'll put a target on your back. Just to make a speech. But I could be getting it wrong. It might have been junior high. But I believe it was... I believe it was I believe it was high school. And I just I made a speech and it was all lies. I talked about growing up on a farm in Iowa.

I would you know, if there was a bake sale, I would bring in a ton of toast, you know, and like have a sign like toast. Like I just was an idiot and just like thought I was so funny.

I know I don't know I really think my parents lied to me so much and I just believed it and then when I found out they were lying I was too late and I had this like inner confidence and it was just too late it couldn't be shaken it couldn't wait are either of your parents funny yeah my dad they're both funny my dad's really funny my mom is like is funny cuckoo too in a good way

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're both really funny. He's hilarious.

I was cool. Sorry. No, I was I was cool. Like things weren't like easy. I had major trauma and stuff when I was like 12, you know, which I'm totally happy to talk about.

Yeah. My dad got a mess and we went bankrupt like we had. money we were comfortable yeah and then we were like poor and my parents got a divorce and my mom started dating my friend's father like it was a whole nightmare and I you know I really I I really was traumatized and didn't think I was traumatized.

And then it was really hard, but I still had a boyfriend. I was still like making jokes and, you know, going out and popular and that kind of shit.

Where everyone's like... It was overnight from what I remember. It was like... I mean, we went from living in what I would consider a mansion... you know, by Real Housewives standards. Not decorated well or anything, but a big house with a pool and whatever to a, like, you know, maybe two-bedroom tiny home.

Or, like, we moved every year and we lived... We would live in someone's basement or someone's attic and that kind of stuff.

Well, it was like... I really feel like that part of it was all good. And so, you know, I can make fun of my mom and whatever, but I never, you know, I had, I always had like, this sounds bad, but I was going to say, we always like had somewhere to live. We always had food. I was never like embarrassed of my outfit and like, you know, because also my friends didn't have any money, which was nice.

Yeah. Like none of us were dressed well. None of us had a nice car or a car, you know, it was, so there was no like class distinction or anything. And I was just like, you know, wanted, I just, my mom says that I was embarrassed of our new house. Like that I asked the school about, like, I don't know, something where I was like, can you drop me off somewhere else?

I don't remember that, but I don't remember the loss of money being, Anything that I really felt. Just like the relocation.

Oh, my God. That's so nice.

I think it's just it's, you know, like trying to the revisionist history that each of my parents give. Like, I really can't tell what's true. Of course.

But if I were to have one note, this mic is real heavy. God, do you do you ever think like, no, I don't care. Look, I'm a stand up like I hold a mic. Just roast me. This is like an actual way. Like, I mean, I want to support the brand. Obviously, I'm honored to be on this show. You're a, you know, a Salton. But this is a heavy microphone. You're exhausted.

Yeah, you're right. It's really disorienting and destabilizing because you're just like, is any of what I was told true? I don't at all know. I don't feel like I know anything about my actual past.

yeah well I live really close to here and then I'll just like go home and like you know and I wanted to show off my feet are really a bummer right now you don't wear socks with shoes no I usually do I usually do what happened this morning I just I mean I just like came over here it took 13 minutes in a car you know so yeah so no socks do you do that often if it's like I'm just gonna be out for a little bit yeah

Well, how does that strike you? Like, is that... Are you, like, your feet are cold or... One feet cold. Is a nude foot, like... Do you not even have nail polish on there? No, look at my nails. Okay? Look at my... Look at, like... Okay?

we're in love i'm for the first time in love with someone um i've i realize i've never been in love before and um and and i was like conditioned to be like well i'm so happy for you Go, girl. You deserve happiness. I love you so much. Like, you know, just kind of, you know, brainwashed to worship your parent, your mom and and vilify my dad. And so I was just kind of like, I got you, you know.

Did you stay friends with that friend? We tried, but no. did they end up like living together ever like your mom and the guy like did it ever go viral they they were they they were together i think for like two months oh oh quick yeah like almost destroy like a family and then like you know i met someone new and like and now i really know what love is like 10 times God bless her. Love.

She is so self-aware. And we are in a good place. But, yeah. And you know what? And I really, like, judged her when I was 30 because I kept crazy journals. I read back from, you know, from 12 to 21, I kept these journals. And I'm like, oh, my God, this woman, you know. And then, but now that I'm a mom and...

Unless one of my son's friends has a dad that's at all even a little interested.

I handle emergencies and that kind of stuff. I stay very chill. Just know that everything you're asking me in my mind, I'm like,

now i feel attacked that's your favorite porn no no but i had a phase with that sure oh you did yeah sure what's your favorite porn uh well the thing is and i was hoping this would come up yeah i figured um i i feel like i can't say it because you know a lot of porn is like from real life situations that go awry

And then I'm getting a massage or I'm in a car or I'm whatever and I don't want like the driver or the, you know, I don't want them, you know, you have to live your real life. So, you know, I'll tell you later. Okay, yeah. You don't want anyone to get the right idea. Is podcast porn a thing? They should make that where it's like, you're like, and then all of a sudden.

I'm like, Amy, give me that foot. Give me your bare foot.

Right. Well, I didn't start saying until after college. I was 23. And I did not.

even think about the possibility of making a living from it but the first time i got a college gig and they were like we're paying you 800 for one hour and i ran oh my god around my apartment do it like laps around my apartment like it's like the best feeling i've ever felt i was like well will i feel this good if i ever have a baby um and as someone who's had a baby no no okay um

That's a gig. It was so far upstate. Colleges pay well. And it was so far upstate New York that it was like you flew into Canada and just no one else wanted to do it. So I got it. And...

yeah and then I was like oh my god if I can just make a living doing this that's all I want but then you know you you start you get there and you go what's next what's next what's next and so yeah and then like you know I really want to try and make a lot of money we after the roast of Charlie Sheen I'd like that was like you're obviously like a huge moment that was big on your Wikipedia at least that's what it reads and

Uh, but yeah, my, my friends. Yeah. But really like I wouldn't do that to an audience again. I wouldn't do a roast again. Why? I just was young and like, didn't realize that people's feelings really get hurt.

oh you know I mean that's so that sounds so stupid but it was like you know you and especially when you're starting out you just think okay these people are so famous I'm a completely unknown comedian who cares what I say but then you know like oh that probably really did hurt that person's feelings or something you think well I know it's hurt people's feelings but I also feel like there's been like a random rise again and like the Netflix specials are roast and people are roasting and people are like liking it like obviously we saw Nikki Glaser had like a huge moment because people were like oh my god like keep fucking roast

oh my god she killed no i love watching roasts and they're so funny i just don't like i couldn't do it because hard i don't i absolutely go for like the jugular bring a gun to a knife fight but also um

i don't know like i just feel and with the audience i wouldn't you know i used to be like if you're gonna like heckle me or something like you're gonna be handed your ass and and now i'm like it's just better to diffuse it yeah and and you know i think just from therapy and maybe becoming a mom you're like i kind of want like peace yeah like i i don't i will not feel better if i hurt you

But you're good at it. Good to know. It's in your arsenal. But hold on. With my husband, if we're talking shit about other people, like, you know. Of course. Every night. The worst people in the whole world. I wish I could, like, be a fly on the wall.

Oh, God. It's so, yeah. I mean, I think that's why we click so much.

Yeah.

I would say only every single day, all day, every moment of every single day, every day. yeah all day wow yeah okay yes yes it's so sad it is sad and i would love to say something different but the the only thing to do is be in the highest position of power and call the shots because the second you're in somebody else's you know um

was a ballroom I'm like I don't I don't know why are you in a ballroom but it's just if you're not at the and even when you are yeah at the top of the food chain it's still it's it's there's no relief and and I've and any woman that you think might have it different does not at all and at no point ever Yeah. There's like some Gloria Steinem quote. Oh, I love her.

Yeah, it's like any woman who, like, I'm going to butcher it, but like who decides to, you know, live an interesting life or something will be treated as a cruel joke and she'll need her sisterhood. And I'm sorry because I butchered it, but, you know. No, no, no, the concept. I get it. And I wish it wasn't like that and I... Goddamn, I wish it wasn't like that.

Like I want to be one time a promoter. But I'm like, no, every second of every day, every set, every everything.

Everyone just thinks that women are. at at any point might lose it and they're just waiting for you and so every day it's like memento you have to like start over and and remind everyone that you're in your position for a reason every day every day and i just want to say this since you asked every year You're in like a chain, like a WhatsApp chat or text chain with the other moms in class.

I mean, with other parents. And then they pick, they designate class moms. You know, they go like, and they haven't changed it to be PC. They haven't made it to class parents. Okay, class mom. It's class moms because the moms are the ones handling shit and communicating and we text and whatever. And then once in a while, like a dad will pop in there and we'll be like, Rick, are you lost?

You know, like the moms are really getting things done. Right. And and I just like think like I want people at home to imagine like. Imagine if your dad one year was in charge of planning your birthday party. I wouldn't have had one. No, okay? Your dad is like, I'm going to handle it this year, okay? Any dad is like, I got it. Or anything. Or planned anything.

they communicate, they can't, and I think this is, and men are in charge of the world. It's terrible. The world. And that's why we're in so many wars. I think that it's not even on purpose. I think probably these men were probably just trying to plan a birthday party. No.

You're a whore. And you're a whore.

I think they're afraid of women and they're afraid. I really do. I think I think.

i think men are terrified of women i think they're it goes back to how they feel about their moms i think they feel guilty about their mom i mean we all feel guilty about our moms yeah and and just scared it everything we've ever seen all the old movies all the books all the you know it's like it's all from the guy's point of view it's all the male gaze the slow pan up from her heel and it's just starting

gonna get better and so if i were to say to gloria stein i'm like what the hell she'd be like it's so much better than it was but what it was was that not that long ago you needed you know your husband to get a credit card and we couldn't we couldn't vote and like you know here we are and here we

You know, I remember in college, I would kind of try to talk a big game and be like really confident, like, you know, Mae West or maybe a more up to date reference. And then we would like I would go home with them. I remember I went home with this guy one time and he had like I don't know, like pit bulls or Doberman pinch. I don't know.

He had these like dogs and he was like, just, I think he had like an ankle bracelet on, you know, like he was on parole or something. And like we were, and we're like kissing and like, we're like in the laundry room of my dorm. And it was like, it just all happened so quick. And I was like naked. And, And I was like, I am in way over my head. I am not this experience sexually.

I have been completely bullshitting this guy, trying to like act like I know something. And yeah, I still... But no, nobody ever... Yeah. He knew I was full of shit too.

I'm actually super vulnerable and scared of your penis.

20s and 30s. I think, like I remember the first time when I was a teenager and my first boyfriend was like fingering me or something and I was like wet and I was really embarrassed and I thought it was a bad thing so I kept going to the bathroom and like wiping it up, you know, I had no idea. And then in college, I think I was so drunk all the time.

I feel like my self-esteem was super low because I went to Towson University and that was number one for Playboy for hottest women that year.

and are you serious so i was just like an actual troll with like the physique of brian cox and i was like you know like i just look like an mma fighter and you know i'd have to wait you know like i would black out and so i you know i didn't even think about work like trying to have an orgasm probably until i was

I probably didn't have the confidence to try and have the guy make me cum until I was like in my 30s.

No, I'm really tearing. It might be because the mic is so heavy, but I really, it's not that. That's a dream for someone to say that to me and for you to say that to me.

I have never come from penetration, ma'am. it's a scary thing to say out loud. No, it's not. I mean, it's scary because nobody talks about it, you know, because we're all like, you know, getting an Oscar, but getting an Oscar, but no, I, I, you know, I've had generous partners who understand like that, you know, I need to orgasm first. And I know you subscribe to that 100% on your Wikipedia.

It says to make her come.

no coming through penetration but it's it makes people really mad it does it makes people well i mean not about me but like oh shoot there was this documentary about this woman who had um uh she was doing all these studies and was like shoot do you have an information person no

no i know it's like it's hard to give a compliment and it's hard to take a compliment but i'm taking it right right in right now this is close to the britney mentioning me in the book and i'm not i'm not fucking with you i am honored thank you for saying that of course no so i'm a huge fan so thank you for being here no it's good quite a while it's good it's good um okay i'm gonna ask you a bunch of just random questions to get us started are you ready okay okay okay i'm ready okay ready okay i'm ready whatever comes to your mind you're just gonna answer it ready okay

yeah we can google the height report the height report or the kite report the kite report the height or the kite very different but could be the height report the height report and she was like she was reporting on women's real sexual experiences and like giving feedback and she was like completely of course shunned and of course had to like move to europe which is what we do with all of our famous shun people like do you pull your dick out when no one wants that go to europe

I think.

Yeah, you feel you're most confident. What if I was like, as a mom? No, I'm like... Yeah, because I'm like, you know, it's like you're playing a little bit of a part, you know, even though my stage persona is pretty close to who I am. Yeah. It's still like you're in charge and empowered and, you know, whatever.

I mean, it hurts to have a lot of hate thrown at you from the Internet. It doesn't feel good. I was definitely coming up in comedy when it was, you know, the height of like people on the Internet, like letting, you know, giving giving me feedback. Yeah. And I I don't know. I have always I have always thought. I've always felt hot.

i've got to say it i've always felt hot and then you have moments where you know you look in the mirror and you're like i'm shrek and then but like it's like it's like i have a little secret that i'm like i'm secretly hot you know what i mean and i've always had that and i don't know i'm 43 i'll see we'll check in um i think that's in a couple years when we're both living in europe yeah yeah true i don't

You are. When I was going through... I guess it was like a year ago. And the internet really came for me after doing a bunch of press. And I was like, okay, everybody, relax. But then I was like... But then doctors were chiming in in the comments. And they were like, no, no, we think something's really up. Your face looks so crazy that we think something's up. And I'm like...

i'm like wait i'm getting trolled by doctors you know and they were like we think you have something called cushing and it's like about spiking cortisol like about you know cortisol levels and you know steroids you know injection whatever and i was like wait okay i was like fuck off and then i was like wait i have been getting steroid injections um for my um in my scars um god here you know you're everybody in your audience is gonna want to fuck me um

I had a breast reduction, you know, C-section, whatever. And I'm like, you know, and so I got these, I was getting these steroid injections. And so it gave me this thing called Cushing syndrome, which I wouldn't have known if the internet hadn't come for me so hard. So right before I started filming Kind of Pregnant, which you guys have to check out on Netflix. We're getting there.

I was like before right before we started rolling was when I learned I had this condition and that I had something called moon face. And then there's just I'm starring in a movie and there's a camera right in my face and I'm like.

and they're like rolling and I'm like oh my god and uh you know I asked some of the people close to me and everyone's like you look great you know but then you have like your one friend from high school that's like your face is looking like a little bit insane and you're like okay I love you yeah And so anyway, I got rid of like, it just has to work itself out.

There are two, there are two kinds of cushioning where, and one of them you could die. And so for like 24 hours I was like, I'm dead. Yeah. So I was feeling really down on myself before I started filming this movie.

Yeah. i was feeling so down on myself and i was like really having trouble figuring out how i was going to star in a movie while i had this going on and it just took one

friend who this girl Lorraine who lives in New Orleans um who's a director Lorraine Cafferty she uh she was like you know what and you know I think you look fucking great and you're gonna like she just and I just needed one person to just amp me up And I, you know. And you're like, let's go. Which is also, did you see the movie Young Adult? No. Oh, with Charlize Theron? Wait, no.

Yeah.

Okay, you have to see this movie.

Anyway, that's just, I don't want to spoil the end for you, but. I'll watch it. You know, you just need one person to be like, go.

The Birds, Alfred Hitchcock. Oh. I know. So hack, right? But I mean, you know, everybody's a couple of comfort movies, but for some reason that movie gets you. Gets me. Gets you in your feet. And I know this is going to be like over when this comes out, but like, I'm so crazy about Wicked right now. Did you see it?

Like, but why?

I did.

You know how quick I wanted to come here? I mean, that's it. You dress like you're in hospice and I love it. It's like, yes.

You know, your husband hates her. Oh, my God. They just got engaged. Well, that's going to that's going to be called off. That's fucked up he doesn't cook for her. I know. He does it so much, like, he's tired. This is like, and Chris knows, too. It's like, I can never leave him. Like, what? What? What am I going to do? Yeah, you're indebted to him. Yeah. He's locked. What's the main dish?

he that's the thing it's always yeah he's so last night he made shrimp pad thai but also you know i keep in the back of my head you know for a rainy day yeah i can just get takeout okay but no um you know when you're in fights and he's like well then i won't cook and you're like i'm already on doordash

i have never yelled at him i can just get take out but i am keeping that tucked in the yeah it's kind of iconic yeah no we uh like we get along like we're just like toxic together and you know those are the best relationships yeah um when obviously you're like very famous

and yeah thanks thank you yeah still at the height you know i try to remind him yeah like you're a big fucking deal yeah he's like can you why don't you go in and i'm like i'm like very famous and he's like okay he just is not interested he doesn't care i was gonna say like what does he think of this fucking chaos

no it's like the same with my son or my husband it's like your mom and then you're my wife like i like i you know i think sometimes he'll try to empathize with it uh-huh uh he doesn't care he doesn't give a shit he doesn't care he's been around he like grew up on martha's vineyard oh so he's so rich no it's like on martha's vineyard there's like the rich people and then there's like the people that work for the rich people and that was him

and that was him and and you know there's a nice community when like and i feel lucky that i grew you know grew up most of my life like very like without any money because you know chris had to really hustle to make it as a chef i had to really hustle to make it like didn't have a relative to ask for a hundred dollars yeah and um so but he did grow up with like some famous friends and oh that's kind of nice wait how old is your child i want to say five

He has seen Trolls 3, which I did a voice in. Yeah, yeah. And he has seen The Moment in Trainwreck when I fall, like when I try to dunk. And he came in a lot when I was editing Kind of Pregnant. What does he think? Is he like, mommy? He's like, he thinks that the stunts are funny. He does. Yeah. Like the Zamboni scene? Yeah. Do you understand that? I don't think he saw the Zamboni scene.

This was, what year was this?

Probably. It probably would have scared him.

I have to be honest and just say that that was not... the that was not written by me that part and also the part in train wreck where i come out and dance was not my idea either it wasn't no this is this is that's the male intervention okay it was kind of funny we'll give them that yeah the zamboni was funny yeah um okay and also thank you for like telling everyone the end of my movie

But obviously, Kind of pregnant is like the movie everyone's talking about, but... Yeah, it's the year. I just needed to get it off my chest.

No, nobody would remember.

making this special stand up special and then I found out I was pregnant and we're like okay great that'll be part of the doc and then I was so sick I had something called hyperemesis gravidarum which This is good. Anybody listening? If you have severe nausea and vomiting and everyone's going, it's the first trimester. And you're like, I don't know. Hyperemesis gravidarum. That's a word.

Wait, hyper? Hyperemesis gravidarum. So say it like slow. Slow. Hyper. Hyper. No. Hyper. Hyper means like a lot. Emesis means nausea.

Emesis means vomiting.

Hyper emesis gravidarum. Gravidarum. I feel like we're in like the craft and we're like hyper emesis gravidarum. Like we're going to make a skull. But yes, and they really underdiagnose everything with women. Of course. Including endometriosis. Hello, you're not supposed to have vile cramps. That's not normal. It usually takes 10 years to get a diagnosis for endometriosis. It's fucking insane.

Anyway, something's up. Yep. It's not just normal. You're not being dramatic. Anyway, and then my husband was on the spectrum. No, I'm just kidding. So then after we were married like a couple months later, He would just do things where I'd be like... It would be such a different response than I was... That, like, sort of we were used to, you know?

One time I fell and, you know, it's like... Everybody would be like, are you okay? You know? And he would just kind of, like... Like, just stare. You know? And it was like, oh. And he would also just say things in front of people. Part of what I fell in love with was that he'd be like...

What? Right? I mean, that's crazy. That would definitely top the chart. Yeah. I mean, okay. You know what? I'm just going to get right into this here. Okay. Okay? And I've never said this anywhere.

you know why is your like outfit so weird are you you know and uh says exactly what he thinks and i was like would you be interested i i just did like a little online test just me and uh and i was like oh for my test i was like he's on the spectrum and i said to him would you be interested in learning more about your brain like would you want to find out if you were on the spectrum

And he was like, yeah. That's a nice also way to like approach something. Yeah. And he had he said like, no, I would have been like, all right. But he went and he was tested. And yeah. And like and it's it's been amazing. Like it's it's been amazing for him. Yeah. And for me, it's like but it's because it's public and there aren't many adults that

out yeah like everyone's like quiet about it because there's such a stigma so it's you know i think he's like really cool and brave that he's like out there like yeah and and how many and like how many people do you know where you're like this person's on the spectrum Who cares? They're, like, my favorite people.

No, it's stupid. And I remember when I was a kid, people were embarrassed about ADHD. And now, like, people, that's the second thing they'll tell you about themselves. Of course. You know? And so I just... I hope that it gets more normalized and like, and I, you know, I feel like he's done his part and, um, I think it's great. Yeah. Great. And you know what?

I like, you know, he of course annoys me. And like, there are days where I like, you know, want to kill him, but we, I would still choose him out of everyone I've ever met. Um, and, Yeah. I love it. And not just because he's a chef.

But when I was sort of at my... kind of peak, like, touring arenas, whatever. And I'll say it, because this is where you say it. Were they a professional athlete? Sure. Did I text them, like, late at night and they came over, went down on me, and then I said, I'm so tired, I'm so sorry, and they left? Yes. And you know who you are. Not the look into the camera.

um no when i saw this like suede ass couch i said yes no that's really nice because i haven't i haven't starred in a movie in a while this script was sent to me you know and like i'm like a little snot like i won't do you know i'm like for me to like give that much time and energy to something i have to be into it and i was like i think this is a really good idea a woman faking a pregnancy is so insane

yeah and uh and i just there was like the backbone was there like the skeleton was there to like you know i to to to shape a bunch of it and you know i like i'm trying to just show women having fun and being equals you know and like female friendships um And so it was like that was also there for me and clearly the point of the movie.

Like it's, you know, it's described as a rom-com and it is, but it kind of isn't. It's like more about like the love story of the friendship.

Yeah, yeah. But do you now hear it out loud and like see that? Knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No children are stabbed in this movie.

Okay. Okay. Just like. They're like, Amy Schumer goes on Call Her Daddy and they talk about. No child gets stabbed during the movie.

Funny scene. Funny child knife scene.

kind of embodying the concept of like stop constantly comparing yourself to other people around you yeah i think you know this movie is about a like i think my character's laney and she when she's a little girl loses her mom and is just like doesn't want to be alone so she's like has the idea of like wants a lot of family around her and i didn't have a lot of family around me as a kid and i connected to that and i would my friends would have like big families and i would kind of

go and hang with them and be like oh one day i want a family and like she just thinks that's a way to not be alone and then um you know realizes that you're i mean for me my my favorite times are are with my girlfriends and like laughing and having a dinner or whatever. I'm really close to my girls from home and my friends that I've made since I've been older.

And like that's where a lot of my joy comes from. I don't ever say joy in real life. So I feel like just because I'm on this couch, can you just like believe, can you voice over and have someone say something I would say? Like what? Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. But my good vibes and having fun. You know, it's like I love joyful. Yeah. I love my family. But, you know, you're girls. Yeah.

And that's happened a couple of times and I'm not proud of it. And I think like, you know, and the ambulance is good for this moment because this is like when I actually get actually canceled. No, but it's all about, you know, you want to be a giving lover and whatever, whatever. But at this moment, it was like, you know, some people like will blow a guy and that's the end of the night.

And I think I was the last one of my friends like to have a kid.

And I didn't I was not someone who was like always knew she wanted to be a mom. And yeah, it was until Chris was literally like, we're going to have a family. And I was like, oh, but I am also like if you were like if someone's like, should I have kids? I'm like, probably not.

you know like it's not looking good you know things aren't looking good so right i just i think it's and also i think people get intimidated if you haven't like ever spent time around little kids you you feel confused and so your friends can kind of alienate themselves because they're like okay i don't understand this and i don't understand children but you know you don't you love your friends and you want them to be a part of your life and

but you don't want them to be uncomfortable it's like i would love for my friends who don't have kids to like be in my life or my child's life um but because you but then it's like you have a kid you you understand that i don't need you don't like you don't need your friends to phone over your kid you you have such a good thing with your kid yeah and you know they're cute and you know they love you

So you don't need... And I think people think, oh, I'm supposed to play some other role. Yeah, like, you don't even need to mention, like, the kid's name. But I'll be, like, obsessed with some of my friend's kids. And, like, you know, they're... But then also, like, I don't remember all their names. It's like, you have your own... You're like, I'm good. Me and my kid are good. Like, you know.

But really, I'm not, like... If someone were like, you know, I just don't feel like everybody has to have kids.

Every one of my friends, I would say... I would say, like, almost 100% of my friends have had miscarriages. And I feel, like, lucky that we all, like, feel comfortable sharing that with each other.

Because, like, it's so painful and, you know, whatever. I'm, like, going to say people don't talk about it, but they do because I've heard people say they don't talk about it. But I just feel like... It's the most sensitive thing, I think, for any woman. Like, that's the most painful thing I can imagine. Yeah.

So I kind of, you know, did it my way to quote Frank Sinatra.

And we didn't have sex. Oh, right. Babe, he went down on me. And then I yawned and was like, it's been a, I mean, that's a moment in train wreck.

You're welcome. And like, that's not, you know, the most popular move that gets the best response. But that's the truth. I kind of feel like that would keep them wanting way more.

i that i that's happened probably three times in my in my life when i was in my hay yeah okay and uh and what you know one of them was furious i remember and um and one of them was like totally fine with it and you know what the baseball player was pretty cool about it

No, I think it's like I just made you come and now you're kicking me out. And I'm like, oh, my God, what does it feel like to be a woman? You know?

hmm okay okay um i'm gonna say either christian bale or beyonce the range yeah but i don't think i would get a hall pass i would give a hall pass you wouldn't get but i wouldn't get one no but it's good to like think about it like it's i think it's even better when it's like a dream and like i don't know if you'd actually even want to do it yeah it's kind of like don't be your heroes

How many can I have? You can have as many as you want. Okay. Method man. Can I get my phone out? No. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And he knows. And he knows. And he's his beautiful wife and whatever. And he's like, so doesn't.

Yeah. But why? Did he say something to you? No. Well.

What is your most embarrassing interaction in Hollywood? Oh, my God, so many, so many, so many, so many. Okay, this is a long time ago, but I was at an Equinox Flex. Get it. And Alec Baldwin was there. This is 25 years ago, okay? And he was getting water, and I was behind him at the water fountain, and I quoted Glengarry Glen Ross, and I said, "'Water is for closers.'"

Well just so you know both Megan Thee Stallion and Britney Spears has one of those shady DMs for me sitting in their inbox so I know the feeling and never has it been read never have they been read but I you know. I was so happy to see that. What is your angle with Megan Thee Stallion? What are you trying to get in there for?

And I should have killed myself instantly. I don't remember. Like I blacked out because it was so stupid. I don't know if he acknowledged me, but I am sorry.

Yes. He's been nothing but really nice to me. Did he remember that moment or no? I don't think so. I didn't. I didn't. I didn't. I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember anything. Like, do you do drugs?

Okay, right. Good. No, no, I've never done cocaine. I've never done ecstasy. You've never done cocaine? Never cocaine, never ecstasy. Mushrooms and weed, you know.

No, that's good because like it has. I'm like, I won't remember what we talked about today.

No, I am no longer with us. But at least you're still funny.

Oh, God. So many. Like, you know, there's so much out there about me. Oh, well, this is fun. At my wedding, People magazine reported some celebrities who were there. And they said that Jennifer Aniston was there. And she was not there. But my mom, who is 75, said, I think what happened was from behind... I look exactly like Jennifer Aniston.

And I'm like, you just had knee surgery and you're in your mid-70s, you know. But I just said, oh, okay. Oh, mom. So that was, yeah. That tells me a lot about your mom. That does tell you a lot about my mom.

OK, this is this is really controversial. Oh, why are you looking away from me? Because I'm already regretting saying it. And it's not really even a thing. OK, it's not even a pet peeve. My pet peeve is men. But also... But also... And I already said men, right? Yeah, you said men. Okay, I said men. My other... This is kind of like a fun little not really... Okay.

Okay, I have a couple now that I'm going. Pickleball annoys me. Sorry. Have you ever played? No. Me either. I'm just hating from a distance.

So loud. And if you can vape while you're playing the sport, is it a sport? And... I don't like how a lot of people, and I don't know if you do this, so I'm so sorry.

Okay. The way that I think especially people, I don't know, both coasts. Say it. Have turned the word and into like a 10 syllable word, like and, and I'm like, okay. What?

i don't remember no that's the thing you send them you know you're like you know you feel connected to someone and actually i have met her i i'd met her at uh like i think an oscar thing okay and um when we both won oscars i don't know if you in your research came up but i won an oscar and so did megan maybe um and uh so i think i just wanted to be like

Right, right, right. But... And... It starts E. They go, and... Who the fuck are you hanging out with? No, you're going to notice it now. You're going to notice it now. I don't think I've ever noticed that. You're going to listen back to the...

That doesn't mean. Right. Just play tennis. Everyone's just so smug and they've got their racket and they're like and they look so happy. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's just the joy that they're feeling.

And I'll never feel that joy. So, I mean, I guess that's what it's really about.

OK, great. No, but I like tear a meniscus or something. And I like I just like when people are like you just hear these people like I got a pickleball injury and you're like, That's it. Loser. Absolutely. Get on a boat and leave. And guess who plays pickleball?

My mom. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston plays pickleball. Jennifer Aniston. You heard it here first.

Oh, this is fun. This is fun. So my dad is MS. He's in a wheelchair. Okay. What was the question? No, I'm just kidding.

But I love that you're such a good interviewer. May I give a compliment? Oh, sure. Of course. You're a great interviewer.

You haven't even gotten into it yet.

Oh, okay. uh wait let me just get some of the hand sweat um no but wait what was i talking okay so my dad your dad so my dad so i was starting to date this comedian okay i don't know if he still does comedy but this is you know 20 years ago And we were supposed to work a weekend together at this club, like in the middle of nowhere.

And I was like, and the way he like kissed me, like he like, it was like soap opera. Like he like had a real moment with me, you know, like slow. And I was like, I want to go home. And so I pretended like I didn't feel well. And then in the morning I texted my mom at like 5am and I was like in an hour, call me and tell me that dad's in the hospital. And so I'm laying next to this guy.

And so my mom, who is a real gangster, calls me, goes, your dad's in the hospital. And the guy's still sleeping and I'm trying to cry. I'm like, oh my God, what? I have to leave on a plane. So I think that's the biggest lie. No, no, no.

I know. yeah but no my dad lives on he will not die he is very much with us but he did tell me the other day that he what he wants done with his ashes and I don't remember I need to write it down you know but this looks like a nice place is that an urn no no no but what he said was I just want to be with you and I'm like I don't think I can commit to eternity with my dad right now you know

Um, I left the... I left not the second I could. I left earlier than I should have been allowed. But, I mean, it's exciting, you know? It's like, um, I got to meet Beyonce.

Um, I left the... I left not the second I could. I left earlier than I should have been allowed. But, I mean, it's exciting, you know? It's like, um, I got to meet Beyonce.

And she was like, is this your first night? And I was like, it's my last. And she was like, uh-huh. I mean, I think I should be like grateful I was invited or something. But yeah, I was just like, it felt like a punishment. Like, I just, I cannot, it's not me. And I don't like it. We're dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes. And we're like, hi, yes. And I have no interest in fashion.

And she was like, is this your first night? And I was like, it's my last. And she was like, uh-huh. I mean, I think I should be like grateful I was invited or something. But yeah, I was just like, it felt like a punishment. Like, I just, I cannot, it's not me. And I don't like it. We're dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes. And we're like, hi, yes. And I have no interest in fashion.

Um, I left the... I left not the second I could. I left earlier than I should have been allowed. But, I mean, it's exciting, you know? It's like, um, I got to meet Beyonce.

And she was like, is this your first night? And I was like, it's my last. And she was like, uh-huh. I mean, I think I should be like grateful I was invited or something. But yeah, I was just like, it felt like a punishment. Like, I just, I cannot, it's not me. And I don't like it. We're dressed up like a bunch of fucking assholes. And we're like, hi, yes. And I have no interest in fashion.