Ann Jones

Did you ever find a female fossil that showed you?

Well, cheese and crackers.

It's likely that a female ostracod took a sperm 10 times longer than her body and created new life.

If this was a human, it would be a 16-metre sperm.

I tell you what, that would be a Christmas miracle.

But one miracle isn't enough for someone like Professor Sivita, who seems to be like a lightning rod for fossilised penis discovery.

It's another itty-bitty teeny-weeny.

Three tiny penises attached to ostracods in the fossil record.

But there's something wrong with these three dick pics, if you ask me.

Every footballer on the way knows that if you're going to take a dick pic for world peace, you want to, you know, you want it to be a nice warm day.

So that you get an impressive angle.

Not like that one.

You probably want an erection.

Emily Willingham is a biologist and author of Fallacy, Life Lessons from the Animal Penis.

And she has seen the world's oldest fossilised erection.

And it's attached to, of all things, a daddy longlegs.

Not a spider, that's what daddy longlegs refers to in Australia, but rather a different sort of arachnid called a harvestman that, to the naked, untrained eye, looks exactly the same as the daddy longlegs spider.

It's got a little body, long spindly legs and a sizeable penis.

Halithersis grimaldi, if you want to look it up on matchmaker.com.

Okay, duck and time travellers, let me set the scene for the world's first known erection.