Anna Mae

What's up, y'all? My name's Anna, and I live in a van. Some people ask me what van life is like, and I just tell them it's a lot to unpack. Some people are mad at me for living in a van, and I'm like, that's crazy, because I'm a nomad. I'm nomad at you for living in a house. And some people think I'm a hippie because I live in a van. And I'm kind of a hippie because I don't shave my armpits.

I was free bleeding at a Planet Fitness this week. And I use essential oils for everything from insect repellent to chlamydia. But I'm a bad hippie. I'm not really a hippie because I drive a diesel. I love a good steak. And I have my license to carry. But I only got it to prove to the cops in my hometown that I wasn't mentally ill. Pew, pew. Got him.

But dating's hard on the road because every time I invite a guy over, it feels like an abduction. And I'm not really into kidnap role play. And that's all I got for you guys.

All over the country.

I'm a nationally touring comedian.

I'm an artist, so I sell art and candles, and I've done a lot of different things on the road for money.

Hey!

I know I sometimes present as a truck stop hooker, but I'm not one of those. I work for a contracted app. It's called Winolo. So I've cleaned hotels.

We don't know what that is. It's an app where you can pick up work wherever you are. And it's like... Yeah.

Yeah, warehouse jobs.

No, I just hustle. I just hustle full-time.

The hotel cleaning one. The Extended Stay Americas, cleaning those. They're rough.

Sometimes they let you stay there if you work there, and I'm like, I'm all set. I'll stay in the van.

The craziest? The craziest thing? I've never gotten a knock on my van before, but I got a knock on my van in a Walmart parking lot after I masturbated in the parking lot. And I was like... It was like 2 p.m. too. I wasn't even parking overnight or anything, and the Walmart parking lot security was like, you've been here for too long. And I was like, what do you mean I've been here for too long?

I've been here for 20 minutes because that's how long the porno I watched was.

If you park close enough to Walmart, you get the Wi-Fi.

30 seconds. 30 seconds? In and out. It had been a while, so I wanted to take my time. Candles. Candles. Not in the van. There's propane in there and shit. You can't have candles.

Sticky, icky.

Don't worry about it.

It's okay, it doesn't matter, I don't remember. What kind of porn do you like to watch?

Okay.

Well, I was just going to say that I was upset that the parking lot security knocked on my fan window. And so I went into the Walmart because he was like, you didn't even go shopping. And I was like, I'm going to go shopping right now. And I walked in there and I bought water and cigarettes because that's what you buy after you come. And I took it a step further because I was real pissed.

I was like, I was honoring my fucking divine feminine energy and shit. And I got harassed by this parking lot security. And I went to customer service. And I was like, your parking lot security is harassing paying customers. And then I was like, I'm never going to come here again.

Nice.