Anne

In Massachusetts. In Massachusetts. I think they know that now. Oh, they do? Okay. And do you see this picture of yourself?

Hello?

Anne, do you see this picture of yourself?

I'd love it.

Thank you.

And I'm Lizanne Saunders, Schwab's Chief Investment Strategist. Between us, we have decades of experience studying the indicators that drive the economy and how they can have a direct impact on your investments.

So Kathy will analyze what's happening in the bond market and at the Fed, and I'll give you our latest analysis of the equities market and the U.S. economy. And we often interview prominent guests from across the world of investing and business. So download the latest episode and subscribe at schwab.com slash oninvesting or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, Charlie.

Can you hear me?

Hi, good. How are you? I was just wondering, I see a lot of podcasters, conservative podcasters have been saying that they feel that signal chat issue is no longer a problem. But then I saw that the DOD IG opened up an investigation into Pete Hegseth. And this feels to me a lot like the things that happened in the first administration.

And I'm just wondering what your thoughts are on whether this is a concern and they're going to try to use this to impeach either Pete Hexeth or the president down the road.

Oh my gosh. Okay.

So good at crying at people. So, um, anyways, I, uh, I, I'm recently divorced. I was with my ex-husband for 18 years and married for eight. And, um, I guess my, I guess the ultimate question is, is I did look at porn during my marriage and I still, um,

He's nine.

Yes. Yes, 100%. I work two jobs now, so yeah.

Nope.

I love this woman.

immensely guilty and horrible um like i let my son down like i let myself down and my marriage down and so i don't know how to cope with moving forward from that are you pegging pornography as as the reason you're not married anymore Well, that's what my ex-husband told me, but I also know in reality, I walked in on him with another woman in our bedroom.

Yeah, he stepped out on me, I think, at least eight times that I know of in our relationship. And I like to call it, I have like the major ostrich effect where I just buried my head in the sand.

He found out I was looking at porn and he said, well, I wouldn't have cheated had you been giving yourself emotionally, physically to me.

I'm recently divorced. He found out I was looking at porn and he said, well, I wouldn't have cheated had you been, you know, giving yourself physically to me.

Yeah. I feel horrible about it, though. Like, horrible.

My ex-husband is very angry with me and I know that his family is too.

Yeah. I know in reality, like I can see, I can see that writing on the wall and I do know you're, you're right. I think I just, I know it's going to come up as my son grows up and I know that he's, my ex-husband is very angry with me and I know that his family.

It is.

He said it was me stepping out ultimately on him as well because I wasn't wanting to be physical with him because I was scared of him. I didn't know who he was with. Therefore, I wasn't wanting to have relations often with him at all. Hold on.

No.

I know that. And I'm happy in that sense, but I'm also, I wake up and I just feel this immense sadness all the time.

Well, I feel, again, like I just let my son down.

Yeah. That sadness though, I feel so immensely and I see him, my ex-husband, and he's now with the girl that I walked in on him with. And they have a child now. And they look like they're thriving. And I'm just here. I feel so lost.

No.

Yeah, I think it's so embarrassing.

Well, the fact that he's just told everybody about it and then just, I don't know.

He's told friends of ours, mutual friends of ours. He's...

Right. Oh, I'm sorry. No, go ahead.

when we went to mediation the first time, um, cause I had to beg him to do it. Cause he kept saying he didn't want the divorce, but eventually we got to mediation. And at the end of it was like a nine, an hour, nine and a half hour day. The mediator said, he's just a spoiled brat and a bully. Good luck.

And I know that I could see all these things and everybody's pointing out that kind of behavior to me. And it's just, I don't know, these blinders are on and I, I just, it's wild. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to move forward in a healthy way. Yeah.

My dad is the best man I've ever met.

He is a constant. He is strong and kind and protective of his family. He loves us unconditionally.

Oh, my dad knows.

Yes, I was up front with it all.

Yeah.

Hi, thank you for having me on.

No. No.

Um, so I'm recently divorced and, um, I'm a crier. So just FYI, I'm a crier too.

He is definitely that.

Yeah.

Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm so excited. I listen to you every day, but I'm also extremely nervous.

Yes, you are. I listen. You offer lots of good advice and perspective, so I'm very appreciative to get this call today.

Okay, so basically what I'm looking for is somebody to give me an honest opinion. I've been to three couples counselors. I've been married 15 years, and I'm trying to figure out if I need to just go ahead and vow for separation, move forward with divorce, or go to this couples counseling, that Christian couples counseling my husband asked me to go to, which he's never done before. Okay.

Yes.

My gut answer is divorce.

And that's only because a year and a half ago.

Yes.

Because I don't believe people can change anymore.

Okay. Okay. Something changed this year. Too many things have happened and I finally feel like I made a decision. What happened? I feel differently. Well, I had back-to-back surgeries and zero help. Still having to take care of the kids, take care of me. And I felt that showed me a lot. And then he had a lot of issues with his mother because his dad passed away two years ago.

Having to take care of her. And he couldn't put himself aside for the kids, for every single holiday was ruined this year. And it just made me think very differently about how I want our household with our kids. And then also realizing that my wants are never going to be met either. And maybe it's better for everybody if I show them what a happy house is.

Mm-hmm.

I know. I'm stressed out.

Yeah.

Three. Three.

But he'd have to actually feel that way. He doesn't feel that way.

It's been a sexless marriage from the get-go. Like he told me before we got married, it's because of his religious reasons, which we had sex. But, you know, he felt better when we were married. But even when we got married, it was one time... the entire year. And then it was exactly like that after that once every few years.

And it was so bad for me because it made me feel horrible as a person that I was cutting. And because of his upbringing, he had zero responses like, okay. And I just wanted him to hear me, how it's affecting me. I made him go to couples counseling. We did three different couples counselors. We've been kicked out of everyone. And I'm just kind of, why have you been kicked out?

The first one when I was pregnant was my second. And it's because the counselor said he knew what to do and he wasn't willing to do the work. So no affection, none of that in the house. I was working on how I talked to him to make sure I was stroking his ego, making him feel better, not putting him down, not comparing him to how awesome my dad is or whatever it was. So that was that.

We waited a while. Then I, when I was, um, went through two miscarriages before my daughter, which let me just lead by saying all three of my kids are IVF babies, but we're not having lots of sex to have those.

No, no, no, exactly. So, um, So I went to another counselor because I basically... I had two miscarriages and I was like, I'm not going to be complete unless I have one more kid. So knowing... That was a wrong decision. I mean, it wasn't a wrong decision. I love my children. But I basically told him, if it's not you, it's going to be somebody else. I want to use my eggs.

My body doesn't work before. There's no opportunity. And that therapist ended up leaving, sending us to a guy to see if he was more comfortable. And that guy gave up too. He was just like... This is not working. You two have two different things. You need to work on him.

Right. Because I'm going to be the one that's ruining everything.

Mm-hmm. I allowed it.

Okay.

Mm-hmm. But I tried to fix it.

I'm not saying it's all free at all because I got on meds. I've been seeing therapists for 15 years.

I don't, I don't, it's not that I don't think I haven't,

done yet i just know i'm i just want to know that i'm right that i do deserve better that there is like there's such thing as like a happy marriage with with like affection and all those things like that does exist i don't know i i don't want to leave selfishly for just me but it's not just the sex it's also follow-through of getting things done there's just so many things

I know there's going to be an issue no matter who you're with, but I don't want to blow up my kid's world just selfishly for me.

Yeah.

I don't know. I think he's thinking that it's going to be all fine and I'll pass the fire again for a little bit, but nothing's ever changed. There's no resolve.

I don't... I think because he's an only child and he's realized over the last year that He's had issues at work that everyone's seeing what I see for once that he has an obsession with baseball and anything outside of that that he's not interested in, he doesn't do. He can't return phone calls. He can't pay the bills, but he has to have control of the bills.

Yeah, but he's delusional. He's going to act like I've blindsided him, but I've been telling him. But I think his life he grew up you know, with an alcoholic mother. He's an only child. She had nothing. I mean, she had something to do. She lived in the house, but the world revolved around her, not him. Dad was the loving one. She was the abusive alcoholic. And I don't know if she abused him.

I don't know. Cause he just, it's a blank, blank spot. You can't remember his upbringing.

No, he won't. He can't give me a reason. I've been asking. I was like, were you abused? I've asked everything.

I know. Then I start wondering if it's not me because people, if you ask anybody else, they're like, oh, they're gay. If they're not gay, then it's somewhere else and it drives you crazy.

Okay.

No, I know.

Well, I know. And the other thing is I've learned also from a friend that a normal therapist is not going to tell you how it is. They're just going to listen. They need to be a doctor level that can actually call you on your bull. So I think that's where I messed up too. I should have found a different type of therapist. I don't know.

Right. And it's better for the kids, right?

It's better for kids to see love. I know you can't tell me that.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Which is kind of crazy because I'm like, you're talking about a ticket. And my life revolves around baseball.

But you chose him.

Yeah.

I think that's amazing, but we don't have that. So choose reality.

I know, but here's the thing. How do I protect them? Because the other thing that changed is this obsession. I've noticed now, just to give a snippet, is he didn't get picked to be assistant coach. And so instead of being a man about it, he decided it's a good idea. Let's tell our children what a bad coach you have. He didn't pick daddy. He's a liar. And I lost it.

You do not involve children and adult problems. And now it's happened two times. I'm not going to this game.

I think so too. I think I just need to pull up my pants and just be prepared for it to be bad.

No, I'm afraid to.

I'm because he only has him and his mom and he doesn't have true friendships. And I'm scared if I do that, since I've cleaned up every mess ever made, that what if there's either he completely loses control.

I don't know. I don't know what to expect. Cause last time I tried to leave a couple of times. I'm afraid if he realizes he's finally losing it all, that he's going to either be suicidal or it'll be the opposite. He'll lose it on me.

No.

No. Punched a wall. Not me.

Yeah. And I'm nervous. I'm nervous because, yeah, I don't know. I'm just, I'm scared that it's going to be a narcissist losing their... You can't control the other side of this thing.

Physical abuse is happening over a year now, but there's been abuse in this relationship the whole time. It's just kicked up. But I just don't know how to continue to hear all of this, give advice, and then have nothing happen with the advice that I give. And I understand that I can't make somebody do something that It's almost now affecting me.

So I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to, I don't know if I stop talking to her because it's so weighing on me every day. But then I don't want to leave her, obviously, right? But I just don't know what to do. And I'm pretty good with compartmentalizing my husband and I in ministry. We hear a lot of stories. But it hits different when it's somebody that you love.

Right. Yeah.

Right.

Right, right.

I mean, I'm a plan person, so... I've usually set up like, okay, well, these are the steps we should take. Let's set aside money. Let's have a to-go bag. Let's have a safe place to go, like those kind of things, ways to get away, stuff like that. And I just think that she's, well, I think she's scared of the change, right? Because even if she's in it, and it's awful.

Sometimes we stay in stuff because it's normal.

So the idea of the change is probably what's scaring her, but like, I'm, I think that's probably what bothers me the most. I'm good with boundaries. Like I'm a Henry cloud kind of person. I am good with boundaries. I got, I have this figured out in my day to day life, but this one is just like, yeah, Usually if I give advice and it just keeps, you know, falling on deaf ears, I walk away.

But like her life, you know, I'm, I'm worried about her life.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I probably, I'm putting a little bit of distance because just, I know that physically it's, you know, raising my heart rate. It's just, it's really been a lot for me. And so I'm trying to just put a little bit of distance between us for a little while, just like a week or two break. And probably, I probably will say at some point, call somebody.

Um, I'm going to have to call a police if I hear about this anymore, you know? Um, and then there's the other side of me that like the times when she's like, well, it's getting a little better. And, and by nature I'm a cynic and I'm like, okay, well, people like that don't just get better.

You know, it's not like you're just like reading a Bible verse and the next day I'm not going to beat my wife anymore. Like, I don't feel like, no, they're like me it's going to get better.

Not that we have in common.

No.

Good. Thank you for taking my call.

All right. Um, how do I best support a friend who is being abused by their spouse and refuses to seek help?

Okay. Um, it's been going on for over a year and, um, For a really long time, she didn't want to tell me what was going on. But, you know, I mean, it's a good friend of mine, so obviously I knew something was up. Phone conversation stopped, text stopped, everything like that. And so just in the way I am, I asked specific questions and got to the bottom of it. And I guess probably...

Hi Mel, I'm Anne and here's my question. Why is it so hard to break through some daily habits and do things differently? Why can't I stay consistent in my daily tasks? I'll tell you why you're frustrated.