Becky Kennedy

And now he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure.

And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair, he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own disposal.

Self-blame.

Self-blame sounds like this.

Something's wrong with me.

I'm unlovable.

I make bad things happen.

Ronald Fairburn may have said it best when he wrote that for kids, it is better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil.

In other words, it's actually adaptive for a child to internalize badness and fault, because at least then they can hold on to the idea that their parents and the world around them is safe and good.

And while self-blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against us in adulthood.

Something's wrong with me.

I make bad things happen.

I'm unlovable.

These are the core fears of so many adults.

But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories we wrote when we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired.

Plus, adults with self-blame are vulnerable to depression, anxiety, deep feelings of worthlessness, none of which we want for our kids.

and we can do better.

And it doesn't mean we have to be perfect.

When you repair, you go further than removing a child's story of self-blame.

You get to add in all the elements that were missing in the first place.