Becky Kennedy

Safety, connection, coherence, love, goodness.

It's as if you're saying to a child, I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.

Yes, this chapter will still contain the event of yelling, but I can ensure this chapter has a different ending and therefore a different title and theme and lesson learned.

We know that memory is original events combined with every other time you've remembered that event.

This is why therapy is helpful, right?

When you remember painful experiences from your past within a safer and more connected relationship, the event remains, but your story of the event, it changes, and then you change.

With repair, we effectively change the past.

So let's write a better story.

Let's learn how to repair.

Step one, repair with yourself.

That's right.

I mean, you can't offer compassion or groundedness or understanding to someone else before you access those qualities within yourself.

Self-repair means separating your identity, who you are, from your behavior, what you did.

For me, it means telling myself two things are true.

I'm not proud of my latest behavior, and my latest behavior doesn't define me.

Even as I struggle on the outside, I remain good inside.

I can then start to see that I'm a good parent identity who was having a hard time, behavior, and no, this doesn't let me off the hook.

This is precisely what leaves me on the hook for change, because now that I've replaced my spiral with groundedness, I can actually use my energy toward thinking about what I want to do differently the next time.

Oh, and I can now use my energy to go repair with my son.

Step two, repair with your child.