Becky Kennedy

There's no exact formula.

I often think about three elements.

Name what happened, take responsibility, state what you would do differently the next time.

It could come together like this.

Hey, I keep thinking about what happened the other night in the kitchen.

I'm sorry I yelled.

I'm sure that felt scary, and it wasn't your fault.

I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated.

a 15-second intervention can have a lifelong impact.

I've replaced my child's story of self-blame with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.

I mean, what a massive upgrade.

And to give a little more clarity around how to repair, I want to share a few examples of what I call not repair, which are things that come more naturally to most of us, definitely me included.

Hey, I'm sorry I yelled at you in the kitchen, but if you wouldn't have complained about dinner, it wouldn't have happened.

You know, you really need to be grateful for things in your life, like a home-cooked meal.

Then you won't get yelled at.

Not only do these interventions fail at the goal of reconnection, they also insinuate that your child caused your reaction, which simply isn't true and isn't a model of emotion regulation we want to pass on to the next generation.

So let's say we've all resisted the, it was your fault anyway, not repairs, and have instead prioritized a repair that allows us to reconnect.

What might the impact be?

What might that look like in adulthood?

My adult child won't spiral in self-blame when they make a mistake and won't take on blame for someone else's mistake.