Ben Kissel

I'm just so upset that Quincy Jones isn't going to know the end of the Kruger's Jordan drama.

Yeah. Anyway, you know, you're also robbing people without money. Yeah. Oh, no, these guys, those, the first ones, the Myers, they were wealthy.

I do math for a Lucifer. Yeah, he does.

Well, I would see. As long as I put a period here and I carry the cock. What's interesting is that Satan's accountant is Protestant.

Oh, Agents. Agents.

Agents of the Devil would be a great Japanese metal band.

It's not like the slides don't have water as much as it's just like covered in WD-40.

All right, the first thing you want to do is take all your money, change it into silver, and put it under your mattress.

Yeah. Right.

It's just like, why is the cute name?

Oh, yeah, yeah, the Bernie Bernie.

It's the same. Someone get me an entomologist. We need to find out when this lady died.

Literally point at every other country, like the Nigerians. Anybody else.

I thought the ring was in there.

Oh, my God.

She's gotten away with nine murders by this point?

That's how it is with me and marijuana. I don't get high like I used to until I smoke way more and then, you know, I go to sleep and there's another day.

I love that song, Patches. Yeah, and I love that song, Strokin. I'm a Backdoor Santa man.

The difference between meth heads in South Africa and America is in Africa they have financial advice.

You know, he was just like looking down while he was making up the name. He's like, I'm a shoe man.

It is interesting that they keep choosing financial advisors as like, you know, you'd be, you would think that more murderers would have done this.

Everything gets there ten years later.

That's at least $25,000. I was going to say $12,000. But, you know, you pay me.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine a werewolf mummy? Oh, my God. How about a werewolf daddy? Actually. You son of a bitch. Welcome to the last podcast on the left.

Think about that.

Also, the meth gets you a little willy-nilly. But then I had some readjustment.

Yes, it does seem like that. Now, I'm sure you'll get to this, but where the fuck is Rhea? Yeah. Oh, she's gone.

Yeah, you want cash, you got to look. Blackjack dealers got cash. Dude, yeah. Steal from drug dealers.

That's how they get you. It's better than committing murders like sketch comedians, though.

A meal of chicken livers I enjoy, but only twice a year.

Oh, yeah.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You have to, every different state, you have to go apply. Except for California. Anyone can get married in California by anybody.

Yeah. You got to be the guy who just comes to a meeting once a week.

Why is this church at a La Quinta?

See, back in Tallahassee, I went to the Church of Hooters. Yeah, so you did. I remember that church.

No, probably not.

And I think that they were kind of embarrassed by how long it took them to figure this out. Oh, they better. And they just threw the book at everybody. As they should have.

I hate that I

I love Slipknot.

System of a Down's good.

When I was younger, I loved Korn, and I had the Marilyn Manson CDs. I did not fall into the Slipknot era. But System, I'm always down with System.

Any hints on next week?

Yeah, we'll get some weird shit coming. I love it. That makes me so excited.

Free, you know, monetarily, but not emotionally. No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. We're on the road, baby. We're going strong, man. We got a whole bunch of shit coming up. Henry and I are going to come into Humboldt on the 23rd of November. And then we're going to be in New York City on the 7th of December in fucking King's Theater. And then we're going all over the place next year.

We got a bunch of great shows coming up.

I can't believe that he was found in that dungeon. Like, people actually went down there.

Sleeping on the couch while we did Roundtable. Oh, yeah. Dirt floor. Is it over?

It's during the day. No one knows. It's me. You're just a big fat man.

You finally get the accent down and it's the last episode. That's what it's all about.

And they wouldn't be able to tell that he was strangled? No, they would tell everything.

constant and never ending sounds like jd vance on his couch and the couch is going oh get off me oh get off me sounds like anal without clove oil yeah

Honestly, though, why didn't they, I don't know, make checkers out of rocks or something? They had time.

Don't the people of the NSA have to shut up?

Yes. Or like a stamp every time someone dies, you know, like on the side of a wagon. Yeah. You know, like back in the day whenever they slaughter somebody, they like stamp it on the side.

What month is it again?

Oh, well, you're not supposed to drink sea lion blood in a month that doesn't have an R in it. No. Did you know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically, from September to April, you can drink sea lion blood. Otherwise, it spoils too much. It's bad.

Oh, wait, no. This is in the southern hemisphere, right? Yeah, it does change. Things do change.

I found this barrel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd just walk right up to him. He'd be like, I'm delicious. Put your fucking head off. And they would marinate it in kisses.

Hello, yes, and I believe in God now! Because I have to legally, apparently.

Just throwing gold at each other and shit?

Whatever happened to the captain has to be the last one off. And is that like a newer thing than this? Because he's already halfway to Java.

But what keeps fucking me up about this whole thing is how do only one in seven people know how to swim? It's not like swimming is a privilege.

Yeah, the Amsterdam Canal is probably not the best to be swimming in.

Euronymous, you seem like a trustworthy guy. This guy is not going to get drunk with power.

I appreciate it, you know, because I'm busy here sewing the bodies back together. It's hard to leave them when you're sewing them.

You know, you seem untrustworthy, but I'm going to say I'm going to go against my brother's judgment and say you're in charge.

Me neither. I wonder who's going to come. Oh, I'm sorry. I wonder who's going to come. Thank you. The C word.

Now, what is a dastard?

One that's stuck around, but you wish he left.

Congrats, boys. Amen. They really are. Although, nowadays, I'd say it's 16-year-olds are the most dangerous. Oh, they're all bad, yeah. I get really scared when I see a pack of 16-year-olds. I get terrified.

You can't do anything.

Yeah, because if you fight back, you're in trouble.

And you know how much the Swiss love holes.

Well, oh, but did Swiss. Oh, but you said the Swiss Navy.

Like a 10-year-old kills a hamster that he doesn't pay attention to.

Ish. Is that a fig, like, not, like, one you'd eat, but one that's, like, still attached to a tree? Yes.

Hey, now, hey.

Murder. I mean, murder.

There are so many seals there, all filled with blood to drink.

That's nice. Nice spice. Yeah. Because pine trees, they don't really use that much. No, no, no. That's a bad lubricant.

Now, do you think he was planning on that then? Yes. Yeah?

And this is like a month after being on Batavia's graveyard, right?

You know, honestly, a month seems like a long time when you're doing nothing and starving and you're fucking eating your own tongue. Sounds like a month of Sundays.

Maybe I should change. I want to try on a new outfit. It's just so amazing to have so many looks.

You know, the best way to kill a carpenter, though, is just leave out meth.

Also, you're accusing the carpenters of building rafts so you kill them when you could have just been like, hey, guys, why don't you build some rafts? Yeah, keep.

Oh, yeah.

No!

Yeah, yeah, seriously.

I really want to thank the person who wrote in about the clove oil.

Do you think they celebrated? No. Yeah, I don't know if they celebrated July 4th.

Dutchmen in 1628? Yeah, you know, they could have an insight to something we don't know.

It's a long time He did quarter them. Yes. Yeah, or maybe a yes.

Viva. Viva doesn't know that he's Euronymous' enemy, right?

I saw a seal crawling across his straight razor. Straight razor.

This whole fucking thing's derailed immediately. You're not allowed to lead a ship.

I, Hans, love the man who merges me daughter. Yes, I'll say it again. Say it for the guys in the back. A pledge to him, my undying loyalty for all the courage to kill her myself. Thank you. Somebody sign up. I'm brave. Euronymous is sexy. Euronymous is tall.

It's like 15% of the people. Yeah. In like three days.

Take your shells. Take your shells. I try not to get too involved in politics.

You need the fish guy.

Certainly don't need the trumpeter. That's why he was the first to go.

Let's just keep getting bigger. The one thing I keep thinking about, did they save the gold? The jewels and stuff?

Maritime law.

Well, I said when you called him an asshat, I didn't mean to make a hat out of his ass.

Don't just build up the trap and then set the trap. We play the game this time. But then I just get lost in all the possibilities of all the traps. I'm just going to make dominoes out of these rocks.

Yeah.

But the people who you could give the treasure to for things are the people who are going to kill you once they found out what you did. No, I'm telling you. Get the pikes.

Yeah. But he's also going to try and go to Java and see what happens up there.

Cool.

Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, I don't know these motherfuckers.

I'm a flounder man myself.

Today, you are a cabin man.

Yeah.

And he still looked at her and said... Just because you got a napkin doesn't mean you love somebody. I'm just saying.

That's what I mean. But at this point, you see so much death. This is like, oh, finally, I get an easy one.

God, yeah, I didn't sleep well either. I almost killed a 17-year-old last night. I'm talking about Tootsie. Not stop barking.

So he sucks. He can't even kill a baby.

Yeah, yeah. You know what? Granted. You know, and when you're on an island, like a desert island, like, away from everyone in the world, there is little news. What?

It is a little easier to joke about the victims when it's 500 years ago.

Put your eyes on one side. Let me slide underneath. Slither on top of my body, you little yellow and blue fuck.

It is crazy that throughout all of this, they're on this island, everything's devolved into chaos, like a hundred people are killed by this point, they still are like signing shit. Dude, that's how they, that's what they believe society was built on.

Fucking shitty party.

Yeah.

This one's for dirtiest kisser.

Yeah, or like a scout badge. Hey, man, the badge of the closers.

Yeah.

Also if you're in the Navy just let me know if you need me to send you some clove oil.

I am sick of this.

That's got to be the saddest thing ever. Ironically, the only thing that kept him alive.

So if they would have just tried once to check in on them, everything would have been fine.

They killed them all.

So they had an idea of what was happening.

out of any movie it's crazy at any fucking big massive because this is gonna go down to the very last minute yeah and the epilogue is also insane yes also i i want to say i got you both a present to help us not get into this situation ever oh okay you have a gun no it's not meg It's a lifetime supply. Oh, wow. Nutmeg.

Oh, yes. And also, when you're doing the Patreon, make sure you watch this show. You can see our faces. You can see Henry bouncing around as a cabin boy the whole time. It's a lot of fun. Also, we're hitting the road. We're coming for you. We're hitting us to high seas. That's right. This is very appropriate today.

As of today, you can officially join Henry and I via ticket. As of today, you can officially buy tickets to Crime Wave at Sea.

Yes, we will be there. We're going to go to the Bahamas. And then we're going to do a fucking belly flop contest. Dude, we're fucking locked in with you.

And also, we're going to be in Dallas in a couple weeks on February 22nd. And then after that, Nashville. And we're doing Detroit. Yeah, we got a bunch of shit. Toronto and Atlanta. And more dates to come, actually.

Lovingly.

Can those paying customers get a refund?

Yeah. Also, it's like, you know, he's also probably going to die on this trip. It's a rowboat 2,000 miles.

Also, the coral's just jagged as fuck. It's rough. It's very healthy back then. Now coral's fucked. Now coral's bleached worse than John Stamos' asshole.

Yeah, I've just fucking got a hair dryer just blowing the water and making it hot.

Yeah, but I do love you, coral. And if you haven't seen a coral reef yet, you should go because it's all going to die in the next five years.

No, no. I would like to be seen with you, and I paid you for it.

Okay.

Yeah. My God. It'll be beautiful. It'll be beautiful.

When I saw her, she was already in two, but it was crazy, because the top half was kissing me.

You sick or you flirt with me? You sick? You seem cold. Yeah, lady.

Why do they gotta sleep for me to kiss? Why can't I get a live one? Except that one sick girl made me sick, gave me this lover's disease.

But when it comes to the Astor Motels man from Batavia, it's most likely that Henry Hoffman was talking about the Batavia in Indonesia.

He had a bunch of curly soup on his head. I think it's called hair.

Oh, yeah, he definitely had his shirt on. Who am I? My nose is falling off!

Yeah, I know. You need an elephant gun, man.

Yeah, I know. Maybe. But at the same time, I could take more than one hit, and usually I'll fall on top of you. That's the problem.

I just have cups of blood.

Oh, my God.

Desperation will put you in some really fucking awful situations.

I always wanted to fuck one of these.

It was brown!

Are we positive it was a D and not like a sloppy O? That's also a question.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah, wow.

Someone else cleaned up the body after he had killed them and done that. And then when they were cleaning up the body, they were like, we can't leave this flesh around. Now he's getting it.

And then it gets complicated.

But vertical.

Unfortunately, Brown is a different context after this episode. So get me Brown.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to run an establishment while you're actively melting? I live in an Alice in Wonderland reality. Syphilis has occupied most of my brain. I don't know what's happening. I'm a floating grin. I look in the mirror.

What?

That guy's crazy.

I owe him $5. America, all gracious skies.

Weird.

Yeah, or you don't get to keep that diamond necklace you stole from that lady.

Was it Dewey?

Absolutely. We have it on camera.

Or burned and the evidence has been destroyed. Because back in the day, it was so much easier to get away with murder than it is today.

Why would I want to be governor?

Talk about fucking... There wasn't even delivery back then. That's service. Taking it all the way to the house?

There is so much phenobarbital at my house right now. It always freaks me out when you bring this up.

Let's just call bygones.

They always end up saying something wrong.

Every time we get together, you always got to bring up the story of the fucking chicken, Ma.

He keeps saying it so much that he thinks it's going to come true one day.

I'm bringing him down with me, man.

Hey, I don't suck dick here. This is where I wash my pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, cool. I just wanted to make sure.

The doctor said I'm falling into a knock-a-lantern. You want to stay in the master suite? You're going to have to sit on my lap while I go to sleep. You know, you're a great man when 100 years later you're remembered by that adjective.

The syphilitic.

Put it on my gravestone. I was horny to death.

Okay.

I just got to confess, it's the only time we've ever done it. It was like... It's true. We waited until the 10-year anniversary. And the next thing I know, that's not the only place that had brown. Number three had brown. Number nine had brown. Number 12 had yellow. You know what? We're going to wash the sheets this year. That's why that's such a big bill.

How you doing? What's going on? That's my name.

It'd be easier if we got high before the show still, but now we wait till afterwards.

Yeah, dude.

Must flow.

Yeah.

But they didn't really care about life and death back then, you know?

Yeah.

Is that all you want?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're hilarious.

Yeah, and, you know, people don't care as long as they still got their nutmeg coming in.

I want the other ones.

Yeah.

Didn't it just randomly grow?

What you doing? Oh, I don't care. Erectile AIDS is, you know, how it all got started.

Ha!

And what happens when they kill the captain? The first mate takes over or they take over?

CNN.

At least. At least, because there's also the whole island was murdered.

Yeah.

Oh, it's when you get a poor throat.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

His!

Even my madness. I'm surprised he didn't murder her. He had made love to her. It's like the only time. And then it ended up leading to a bunch of murder.

They do it for him.

Spoiler!

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can't tell the difference between wine and clove oil. I don't know how much... Not the living fuck, man!

Not so secretly.

Well, now we're moving.

Yeah, it's like if Santa's workshop was run by Skynet.

The Washington Commander's locker room. Yeah.

From this.

Wait, you pay for that money.

Yes, we know.

Yeah, the crime wave.

That's when the cannibalism started.

Oh, we so we may think.

There's no place to escape to. This is the Last Podcast. On the left.

Phineas.

I'm sitting there drinking about it being like, we'll never know who killed Elizabeth's short wife. We never will know because every mystery unlocks another mystery.

I put these straps on.

No, of course not. No, I'm just saying.

Dr. Rulers.

No! Are you not listening? Jack! Donna Ho! Not Don Ho!

And then the first guy's like, I didn't say kill her! That's the problem. He's like, you didn't want it, then you were going to get her a fucking bus ticket! Yeah!

He's got a guy. He's going to do a thing.

Oh, you tell me, friend.

We do.

You beat me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I knew you were trying to cut me in half. I knew what you were trying to do. You drew that line above my belly button and you said you were trying to make measurements for the new pool. And I know that that's not what was happening. Hocus pocus yourself. Oh, Mr. Magic Man, you're not kidding me. Because I'm a free lady. I'm going to be. I'm going to go take my dancers out.

I'm going to put a banana up her pussy.

I can't believe how hot it's in here. I got to show my butt to the air conditioner. Bring me to the ice machine.

The magician.

I wasn't supposed to do this. I was supposed to be a dentist.

Yeah.

Jeff did it! He killed the Black Dahlia.

Only a serial killer could shade in this way. I've never seen shading like this before. Truly nefarious. I must investigate.

Who's driving? I don't know.

you know he was a bellhop.

And you don't want to know what happened to Donnie Chaplin.

I need a home. I lost my home in the fire. I had to become a bellhop in 65. Coming my ass so hard my hat pops off. If you would, please. Please use me as a toilet. Whatever you need. All right, I'll take your bags up. I'll suck your dick. I'll play with your balls.

Simpler times.

Whoa. Yeah.

Yes, Jeff. I would love to talk about Jeff.

That's fascinating.

Yes. Me too. Yes. I as well. I wish I could know. All right.

Yes. It is called the old fashioned prairie dog. Where you see the little head of the dog peek its way out of the bush, which is the insides of a dead woman.

Oh, yes, absolutely. Of course. No, wonderful.

Yes, more and more, please. How pink it is.

Or perhaps you want to try my ass.

All I can do is tell you what I feel. Feeling some pressure.

Yeah. All right. Yeah. Why not?

No, I know.

It was smaller than a nine.

You know how I know that? The differences are subtle but present. Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap. That's how I tell.

Let's see what happens then. Gotta tell the whole world. Let's see what he does then.

Jeff, Jeff. Jeff, where are you, Jeff?

Yeah. Please come to my rescue. He like plays like a conch shell.

I brought my ping pong paddle. I brought my enema bags. I brought my chess set. I brought my dogs to me.

I just like to enjoy myself. No, phenobarbital is a downer. Yeah, Tootsie's on phenobarbital.

Oh, whoa, the mystery increases. Oh, I just came in my wool. Yeah.

Is it still in?

To be my receptionist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yari, Yari, Yari. Let me tell you something funny there, Jack.

Hitler!

I just happened to notice, I don't know, I feel like the, excuse me, police, you're being naughty, and I feel that you all should be ashamed. Well, this private investigator got car bombed for his trouble.

Yeah, Frank's going down to his house, he's going to take his mustache to Mexico, see. Going to get my mustache, taste it out at the store, see. Come on now, go down there, come on, buddy.

From the boogie-down streets of Queens to a pile of beans, a new cup of piping hot Polish-Italian java, last podcast on the left, and Spring Hill Jack coffee rising from the rubble with a new brew. Butterfly Dude's Blue Eye Blend. Nothing to do with any moth-based entity. Don't even think about it. This is a Butterfly Dude.

If I ever have a second marriage, the only way to be with somebody like that is that they have to have, like, I say three times the marriages you've already had and several attempted homicides. Because that's how you know somebody's got stories. Yeah. Because, you know, after a while... You're interesting. Wow. Oh, cool. Yeah, say another one.

I was scared. Natalie was curious. Then she was scared. Then we were both delighted. Then we were confused. Then we went to sleep. Because I fell back asleep and my penis deflated. Yeah, so it's fine. Back to normal today.

It's just science. It's just hot girl science. It's not about being subjective. Yeah, I mean, she's related to me. Yeah, but that's the difference is that that's in the end. That's just what kind of legally keeping me from being inside of her. But otherwise, objectively, yeah, of course, I'd fuck her mouth and I'd play with her butt.

See, that's what Eddie missed

out on on being a single child and being an only child is that it's just so much fun to play Clydesdale with all your your brothers and sisters you guys didn't you got you used to play the earthworm game with your brothers right where you used to crawl between their legs and then they'd ride you around right they would do that so you and Jackie what did you guys do you played like the elephant game was that was what it was called like where where she would grab your your penis right it's not sexual

Yeah, I know. That's what the church is really great for. It helps fill in those gaps. Fucking asshole. You know, the family, too, is funny because I said this to you as a little allegorical thought in mind. But in the beginning, so like Lori, you hear the story about how her cousin and her went on a double date.

smaller than yesterday interesting which i also don't like that i feel like in a way it's like if we wear a too small of shirt have you tried rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it all morning and then i called my neighbor and he came by and he says have you been talking about chad daybell and laurie vallow and i said yes he's like i had a demon come into my house last night and make my wife's clitoris

And this is before everybody really knew that she was already kind of sleeping around. She wanted to make out with her boyfriend. They went joyriding all night. And they one of the big famous stories, I guess, of her childhood was that they were they saw a cat going across the street and her boyfriend was laughing and trying to get it. And then they ran over the cat. Right.

And Megan started crying and shit. And they stopped the car and double backed over it to kill it, make sure it was dead. And Lori was laughing and all of this shit. And this image hit my mind of Laura Palmer. Yeah. Like, this is literally the beginning of this cycle. She's living a double life because Mormonism is forcing all people within the religion to live a double life.

Go ahead. Or probably Jewish, because it's not kosher. According to the super old man that looks like he's made out of frozen cum, he says that they're supposed to respect animals.

All right.

Pull that P.

five inches long and i was like is that good or bad and he just gave me two thumbs up yeah and and i realized he wasn't wearing any pants so i actually in a way in that way it's kind of helping the neighborhood but have you guys seen anything kind of the same or different well i learned how to bless my own urine wow yeah and so it's really and so i got holy water coming out of me all day

Welcome to our new Get the Let Out competition where we shoot you in the head and see if you survive.

Oh, I'm sorry. I ain't be getting a letter from my producer here. I'm off the air.

If that's the bar, you're the one sibling that either was, well, Stacy. Yeah. I don't know what happened with Stacy, but it's like this whole, like, that's all you ought to be better than.

This is just so that the body has something to play while it's resting in hell. Heaven. Heaven. Well, you know, it depends if it was Mormon or not.

This is the thing about the... I thought Coca-Cola was bad. No, you can't have sodas. You can have soda. You absolutely can. You can have caffeine. I've got many emails about this. You absolutely can. It is just coffee. That's how stupid it is, Marcus. That's what I mean. It's fucking arbitrary. Yeah. It's fake. The whole thing is fucking fake.

As soon as you hear a series of ornate rules from a thousand years ago, it's not fucking real.

You're also leaving out the people that have expired licenses. They don't want to complete expired registrations. They don't want to complete people that don't want to deal with government statutes. Jennifer. Any form of what they believe to be arbitrary government statutes, like the regulations that keep us safe on the roads.

They don't want to do it.

But you know what? Much like an NDA, no law can really keep you from drinking and driving. You can still express that liberty yourself with just your hands, a beer in your mouth. And just remember that that's the last thing they can take from us until the police shoot you in the head.

Hello. You're always pointing at him. I think JFK was fucking president at the time. That's fine. They're all Protestants, so it's fine.

Yeah, now they always have one. Naomi Perrigin, a really funny comedian, said that bit the other day. It's like she always lasers in on the one black person that is in every one of these scenarios and always like, how did you get there?

Whoa. You know what my problem is? You know what I never did when I was doing all that paperwork? Because obviously I'd have no need for it. As a matter of fact, I could lose it. I could lose the weight. Sure. But I forgot to click finish on the docusign.

It is sad. Yeah, the NSA are suffering right now. They're really scared for their jobs. And honestly, it's just nice to be here as an open member of the NSA to say thanks again, guys. And go Russia!

It's not me who's technologically impaired, honestly. How am I supposed to know? It's always like at the end of some blank page. Mm-hmm.

What the hell am I supposed to get a girl? Only girls under 13 understand me. Mormons are so impatient. Just wait for them to be old. No, that's the worst, Eddie, because then they're old.

According to them, thinking that if you make it a religious right, then it should be protected by those laws. So you could make having a child bride a religious right. You could make killing people because they're unsavable a right.

You can make these things because, and then their real goal in the end, let's face it, their real goal is total subjugation of all of us and a complete theocracy of the United States of America. But we're not there yet. Mainly just because we're just, everybody really likes tits. Yeah.

And I really think that's the main thing keeping us from a full theocracy is that we really like tits and we like pussy and we like dicks and we like having a good time. We like Budweiser commercials. Like, we like it too much. And that's the problem. That's what the Mormons don't understand.

Well, the Mormon idea is they'll just close their eyes and have a peaceful sleep and wake up and we'll be gone and not have to really deal with the fact that we all were murdered by God.

No, they start to. That's why we have Lori Vallow and Chad Dayball. It's a change. Be the change you want to see.

Yeah, well, that was a beginning. That was a start.

It's really, it's true. Converted. When you click these things, it's completely real. All of these are like the hanging by a thread thing. You think that that's silly until you start to hear prophets say it.

Eventually.

And the goal is to bring the end of the world here. They want it. They're really excited for it because the tribulations are going to kill all of us and then they get to go live in their Mormon paradise.

But hey, the killing of their own children was supposed to be for all of our good, Marcus.

If you can, yeah. Please.

Is this how you met Julie?

You're literally Tom Harrison. That's disgusting, Eddie. You did it for the most evil reason.

There's no time for crying. All right, we'll all once just to make, we'll get past this. Let's just listen to Ben Fold's brick. One time, just for the sake of it, we'll get through this once. I put the petty in petty cash. Shit. Also, Barry Cox believed in the concept of the lower 95. Yeah. That was a thing that he used to say all the time. What's that mean?

So he said that they were in the top 5% of humankind. The whole Cox family. The whole Cox family. Lori, Adam, Alex, all of them. They were better than everybody. They were powerful. They were hotter, more fashionable. They were better than everybody. Oh, that's why Barry only slept with them. Yes. Exactly. Why would you go out and get steak when you have hamburger at home?

He literally is a... But he would say that all the time. Anybody did something dumb in front of him, he would always be like, that's the lower 95 for you. That was what he'd say. And so he kind of also, this idea that there are expendables here.

The Cox's love drama and everybody around them. I also feel like I'm just going to go out and say a big old blanket statement. Mormons love drama. Yeah. Because their lives are fucking boring.

Yeah, just literally fucking. And these guys all would fuck, inter-fuck. The ward drama sounds so fucking exhausting and so stupid. And the way that they talk about their wards as if they were mystically placed in Rexburg. Oh, you were mystically placed in Clarkston, Idaho? Yeah. The only people that were mystically placed in Clarkson, Idaho were the fucking Robins, like literally the birds.

You are not. You just were born there. And then they're like, well, it's our ward. So we have to stay here. And so they all have to interfight and take it super seriously. And everybody's up their own fucking ass. Now, where do the Mormons stand on divorce? cannot be divorced. That's why they kill so many of their wives. That's why they kill them. It's because the stakes are so high.

Those are the things to remember is that that's also what's horrible is that your entire family lives in the ward. That's where your home is. It's the only thing you've ever known. The religious family that you've surrounded by, that's the only group you've ever known.

And every single one of these sins, every single one of them involves some form of excommunication slash extreme punishment slash extreme way to get your penance. I read a book called The Miracle of Forgiveness, which is a horrendous book. But let's not get too far off. I'm sorry. Basically, they say that homosexuality is bestiality. And it's just a black mark on the whole.

Well, you are an animal. I'll tear you up. Excuse me. Let me get my lube. I just have my anal jelly here waiting for me anytime I need it. Swiss Navy brand with clove oil. There's nothing better and there's nothing slipperier than a sailor from Switzerland.

Oh, yeah. There must be a temple in Nevada. Yeah, there's definitely a temple somewhere. Well, a temple, I'm saying like an all-night wedding chapel. They don't do it like that. No. They don't do it like that. I mean, I wish it'd be fun.

I also feel like with Lori specifically, see, Mormons, again, they're so obsessed with their parents and they're so obsessed with it that, like, I think sometimes they let people slide that are really, quote-unquote, good parents. Lookin' Mormons.

Oh, sweet, sweet Lori. Finally, my life is complete. Ha! He's going to ruin us all. You know, Chad Daybell, what I do find is interesting is that I actually, I watched a really good in-depth interview with Heather Daybell, his sister-in-law. One thing in common with all of these ex-mos, they all got that Connie Britton Yellowstone hair.

Periscope. But she's not hot. She's not that hot. She's not hot. I keep calling her so hot. Well, just because it's in Idaho and she's standing next to Chad Daybell.

Mr. Pete. Yeah, Mr. Pete. Who's the guy that checks vaginas to see if they've been disturbed? Oh, Snapper Jake. Yeah.

Everybody's got the big hair that looks like, kind of looks like a Tina Turner wig. It's got a bunch of four different flavors. Oh, you mean Friday Night Lights hair? Yeah. It's got that sort of like four different kinds of blondes in it. You know what I mean? It's very big. They all got also crazy fakies. Yeah.

And a good wife and a good worker. Being all those things together is not easy. So basically I'm a ticking time bomb.

Obviously, we believe everybody. You want to believe people when they say they're getting abused, right? But Lori Vallow, you can't take away the end result of all this away from the way she treated people her whole life. She used people as tools, and she really did, I want to say, get a kick out of it. out of ruining people's lives. She did it several times. It is not just within this context.

She used to lie. I guess that's what it is. I'm steeped in all the other side stories about Lori. You start to see this whole picture that she... really would turn people against each other all the time. Sure. And she'd lie all the time. She was probably close to a pathological liar. Everybody got a different story about what she was doing and who did what at all times. So at some point...

I think that Lori is, I think bad things happen to her, but I also think she's massively full of shit. So I think that you just, it throws doubt on all the stuff that she talks about.

Yeah, his dad was not a nice man.

It is. But now you're more woman. But Chad Daybell, he was like, weirdly, the way she talked about it, it finally nailed something in the head for me. He was so pompous. He thought that he was so cool. And the worst thing ever... Was that when he pulled into Rexburg with sad Tammy Daybell in tow.

She did. She said that he molested Tylee. Did she say that? Yes. She kept throwing it around. And it's just like, when you drop it three times, that's when it just gets to a point where now you're trying to hurt something.

You're weaponizing something. I don't know what it is, but you're doing something. I don't know what the fuck it is. And again, if she didn't kill her kids, it'd be different. Yeah. Colby seems on the level, though, after watching the doc.

He has the whole podcast where he talks about this.

Yeah.

No, fourth wedding's Provo wedding. First wedding's always got to be big deal, obviously. Second wedding, you should probably kind of keep quiet about it. I think the second wedding is the quietest one. Third wedding is secretly. That's done inside of one of those places where you stop and you just get the form. And then I think fourth, you could do it again big, being like, no, this one...

You know, you said it too. You notice what you just said? What? The idea that she'd make it a habit to drug the kids with NyQuil and sleeping pills? Yeah. And how do you think they fucking Tylee and JJ went down in the beginning? I think that you can immediately see a line through. Like a Casey Anthony's Annie the Nanny type thing? Yeah.

And I also think that their separation, I wouldn't even call him gold diggers because he's handsome. If he was big and fat, it's different.

Oh, yeah. When he showed up, the worst part was that everybody loved it. Yeah. When he showed up, they became, like, very popular. That's it. Yeah, I said that last episode. And they keep walking around and telling other people how their land is eventually going to be theirs. That is also wild. To go into somebody's house and be like... In Idaho, no less.

And as much as dudes love bomb, women love bomb too. A woman can go in there because you'd be surprised what a well-placed piece of lingerie and a fucking 20-minute blowjob can do to a man's psyche. It's like, I know it's ridiculous, but it really can break a man down.

Yes. I know. I know. I'm well aware. He was gay. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, but also, this is not really fringe Mormon. Mormon dogma, man. You know, like, I did not realize. No, I said fanatical. I did not say fringe. Is it crazy? I did not know that they actually literally believed in reincarnation.

God in Phoenix. Imagine the worst open mic stand-up in Phoenix.

And everyone knows the best stand-up sets are always repeated phrases for movies you've seen. Yes. And doing weird. Movies and TV shows. That's the way to do it because then people go, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Did you ever hear the story about him getting a head injury? No. It's just fucking obvious. Is it short? No, it's just he had a car accident and he came back never the same. That's what they all said. And it was that there was a thing in here where he was in a coma for two days after a car accident and he came out and he was fucking just a shell of himself.

No, unfortunately, he wasn't shown the preview of the rest of the world by God.

I just think it's got a fun look. It's got a vibe. It's kind of like, it's vibey. Nice big trunk.

Now, this is just, it's fascinating that she watched the whole thing and she kind of orchestrated it. I'm so jealous of this relationship. I want to commit a crime with Jackie. I want to commit a crime with my sister.

It's fun to do. Look how close they were. They were fixing each other's underwear.

I was making art.

They had a very open sexual relationship. Barry Cox and Janice Cox used to talk about their fucking with their kids. The kids used to repeat it to the rest of the family as funny little jokes. They all were always inappropriately touching each other as a family. And so it came from up top.

Every stand-up says, like, you know, I was on my way to the veterinarian today. It's never real. Stand-ups are fucking lying to you guys.

I'm being 100% serious. Mormon politeness is a weapon. Yeah. Much like their arrogance.

The passage said, quote, And then, if he shall come upon you or your children or your children's children into the third and fourth generation, I have delivered thine enemy into thine hands.

Same. It's like their arrogance is what is going to kill this family.

Sure. You know what I mean? If I massively almost killed... He should have wrote all about what it was like to almost kill your sister. There's some funny shit in that, I bet. Oh, man, he must have missed at least eight minutes. God, I wish he was on the moth. Oh!

Way less delicious.

Ooh, God, just fucking those little... You got those Mormon underwear getting wet from how humid it is. It's getting really wet. Gotta peel that off to get to that fucking gay shh, dude.

Aloha.

earthquake still coming yeah any day now it's so weird because she seems so rational in the doc and then she'll just say the craziest shit out of nowhere dude you should watch this interview I did with the East Idaho News with her an hour unadulterated uncut Julie Rowe and she is fucking nuts but she puts forward too that Chad might have been kind of angling for her to be the number one wife before he met Lori Vallow well she's not blonde enough nope

Not at all. She was never like that. She never called anybody who was with a whore. She never just said, they're just trying to take my son from me.

Thanks, Mom. She's crying next to the Christmas tree.

It's hard for her to go, right? You can't just be like, you just dropped this funeral on me. Okay, if you really wanted me to go, you would have told me two weeks ago when I had already not done, because I have to get my belly frozen. Have you seen that? No. It's some kind of process where you get your belly frozen. Wow. It hurts, apparently. I bet. That's it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was the guy that molested Big Bird, actually. It was a very sad episode of Sesame Street. It was really rough.

Yeah, he was a drifter. He lived in the trash can next to it. And the second comforter is also what saved my marriage.

I mean, this is Charlie Sheen talk. Yeah, it is. You know, like the idea of like, angels, I don't need to sleep.

Except for the one that died of AIDS.

No, he didn't. Three of them died of AIDS.

It's a visual joke. You guys can't see my act out of it. Him driving the car like Jimmy Carter. He's surprised that I'm going to die face.

Butterfly Dude's Blue Eye Blend. From the cocoon to your room.

Yummy, yum. And as soon as she saw him, the first thing she thought in my head was, man, oh, man, I want a slice of that more, man. Yeah, I want that bowl of yogurt of a man. Nothing I want better. To gargle the pouch of fat underneath his belly button. So that I can properly serve ooh, Chad.

Yeah. Now, I saw the Mormon Girls website, and I feel like some of it is different there because it seems there they really want to make sure none of the seed is wasted. Do you think that normal Mormon ladies, do they, is it like doctrine to swallow?

I would actually really like to know. I bet they are. They're probably fine. I mean, I guess it's between a consenting father and son, then it should be fine.

Yes. But I just don't know if you swallow if it makes it legal because then it's food. Because then you're making food. Oh. That's choking. Yeah.

And there ain't no such thing as cheating at a PAP conference, because what happens at a PAP conference stays at the PAP conference. and then it gets out. Yeah. And it kills your children. Yeah. But the PAP conference does sound like a bunch of women in their feet in a bunch of fucking, like a big PAP smear conference. Oh, there it is. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Thank you, everybody. Kill my sister's kids, please. Anybody? I'm just so lazy.

That's just how you flirt at an end times conference.

Yeah.

Well, that's the whole thing, right? Is that they all, they all now believe that every single thing is the end justifies the means is that it's all careening towards everybody's going to be dead anyway.

And they also believe that there is no...

pause between this life and the next life yeah they believe the next life is as real and is as concurrent as this life so you won't miss anything death is not anything yeah now as we said chad was a bit of a dud in both personality and looks or at least that's the case by non-mormon standards me i'm the human version of parcheese everybody's favorite sit down game good quiet long game

See, the 144,000 only happen after the rest of us are dead. And that's even still debated as to whether or not what that number means.

You're killing me, sir. Well, the big lesson with this, honestly, the visions of glory, like the real hidden thing is the idea that when you do bad things, you allow these evil spirits to gain agency over you. Yeah. So it is your fault. That's the key here is that no dark. See, light is like in his world. If you're a Mormon already in a capital M Mormon, Mormon, you are a light.

But a dark person is allowed dark energies to enter them through the top of their head.

No.

If he was actually making this into a tabletop RPG, which I actually think you should do at home. I think the Lori Vallow, Chad Daybell at home game would be really fun. And that's, but that's how you do it. You'd probably roll for it. Yeah. But I think 6.66 has to be the end of dark.

But in the end, they always lose.

And the worst part about asking the owl is that all the hours of like, now tell me magical owl is entirely dark.

Oh, yeah, buddy. Berry cocks. And guess what? He might have a bit of the fritzle in him as well. Oh, really? Yeah, just name. He truly was. He put the cocks in his family.

That's like your survival rating in Naked and Afraid. Yeah. It doesn't really make sense either, that one either.

They just make up those numbers.

That's awesome. You're so smart. You're cool. Also, guess what that is? Folk magic. Yeah. It's fucking the same thing that Joseph Smith did. Yes. It's another fake bullshit, like, it's literal old-timey con man shit.

And whoever said before was completely incorrect. Andy Gibb died of a drug addiction. And Barry Gibb's still alive. And there's also... Whoever said all this before? Whoever said that. And Maurice died of untwisted intestines. Yeah. I don't even know how that happens. I guess this comes from fucking Saturday Night Fever.

I also told, there are several competing German restaurants, and there's an entire German town that we can go to that is just outside of Huntsville as well.

So this NASA headquarters, not headquarters, but... They had a sudden influx of German population around 1945. 1945 or so, for some reason, yeah. And they just had to find a bunch of different... It seemed to be they were a very demanding clientele. Particular. Oh, yes. And they just seemed to create a lot of... They found a way for them to be really comfortable in Alabama.

Oh, my God. You know, they really, really were. Yeah. Really.

Yeah. I can never sleep. I cannot sleep. All right, well, hail Satan, everyone, because Satan actually won't kill your kids.

What do you mean? We don't know whether it sounds like carbon monoxide poisoning. No, it's all that completely got debunked. No, carbon monoxide poisoning is actually highly suspicious. They have no idea what happened inside that.

Yeah.

The wife was found mummified. She'd been dead for days. And they found him. They might have followed. It looks like either she died suddenly, and then he fell, and then he had pills, and then the dog ate the pills. This is why the dog died. That is, like, one thing that they're saying. But otherwise, they don't know because the front door was open. That was what's also weird.

So somebody could have went in there. For days the door was open? Apparently. Stay tuned for side stories.

Janice is... She looks like... I think I saw her lick her eyeball once.

you know when somebody looks like their sins yeah you know like they look like the thing that they did bad that's like what she did because she's really is she's like a little like she's a stephen king character she yes yeah yes but you know they were the fun family yeah they were considered the fun mormon group because all her her cousin megan went to go stay with them several times and she said that barry cox took them all to see rambo

And see that obviously in the Mormon community, that's an extreme big no-no. But Barry Cox overrated by being like, that's the kind of way we're going to be living soon.

I guess if you go on a cruise ship or something. I think maybe in Honolulu. Also, there is a giant Mormon stronghold in Hawaii as well.

That was the ultimate Mormon kid, like, naughty thing.

Um, I just want to kind of maybe open up today's episode, first of all, talking about how you guys are handling your own demonic attacks inside of your homes. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. How has it been? Like, have you been able to sleep? I was trying to sleep last night, but demons kept jumping inside of my penis and making it... Big. Big? Like, too big. And I was scared at first.

Because I was always taught as a chubby baseball player that you've got to get in front of the ball. And that's the only thing that counts. You've got to block the ball with your body. It doesn't matter if you use the glove or not. You've just got to stop the ball. And that requires extra mass. And Jackie also was a softball player, and a lot of the girls were of that persuasion as well. Sure.

And there's nothing to do about that, okay? It's a sport. You've got to build up the muscle. Fat turns into muscle if you work it, right? That's what my father told me. My father told me, you're fat, son, and that means you're strong naturally. And you've got to use it. That's how he taught me.

That is literally what he said. But Janice, she did the thing.

You're not like your brothers. Here's a spiral notebook. But Janice taught them all the trick of, which I also thought was real. And then I found out that apparently it is a massive eating disorder. She's like, you don't have to eat anything you wanted at all.

You chew it and you spit it out. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's what she did. So she would full, and she also, because it's Mormon, you have to keep up all appearances. So again, if you're at any potluck or anything, you got to heat that plate up. So it would just be filled with chewed food, but it would be at the end of the meal. Oh, God. What a horrible thing.

With trash can lid hat. Neg Kelly armor.

Yes. I mean, a nearly unlimited supply of rocks. It's Australia.

Yeah, it's a rock-heavy city or country.

14? I would say, yeah, 8 to 13. 8 to 13.

Absolutely not.

So we got 10 fully armed Australian larrikins versus, oh, it's going to be child versus child. We have Jan Pelgrim, the cabin boy from the Batavia, the insane cabin boy. This fight could have actually happened. Yeah, it's so close. It really could have. This is a regional battle here. That's where he came from. Off the coast of Australia versus the Australians themselves.

And I'm going to put Jan Pellgrim. I'm not going to do Jan Pellgrim as he was, which, you know, of course, he was back then too weak to strangle anybody, too weak to kill anybody. I'm doing Jan Pellgrim as he saw himself. Oh. The strongest boy that ever lived.

I feel like they're just going to become buddies.

I think Jan Pelgrim becomes the leader. If Jan Pelgrim as his self-image, because Jan Pelgrim, you've got to remember, he's 17. And he did talk people into killing.

That's right. And here on the wild card edition, I know in previous years on the March Madness of Mayhem and Murder, we've done half fictional and half real. But this year, we only got a couple of fictional people in there because this is a wild card edition. I'm very, very excited to see how this shakes out.

All right, so it's going to be the best Australian garage rock band ever, Yawn and the Larricans.

Ben is a team that we didn't know that it could happen like this.

Yeah. Do you think people have this sort of passion talking about like Duke versus Syracuse? No.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's on better sleep. Yeah, better sleep. All right, so this is the last round in the prelims. Not prelims, but like the last round in the first round. Eastern Conference. Oh, we've got Al Gata, the 9-11 Gator. Oh, yeah.

Just a beautiful Tuesday.

Yeah, that is true.

Alligator, the 9-11 gator versus Lorne Michaels.

The thing is that 30 Rock is actually quite far from the World Trade Center.

Yeah, a phalanx. How many is in a phalanx?

Yeah, and isn't there always like a child, like a boy who follows him with popcorn? No, I wish. I heard about that.

I never saw that. I think I remember reading that in the book, the oral history of Saturday Night Live, is that he quit smoking many years ago, and so now he constantly eats popcorn. And so there's somebody that's always around him that makes sure that there's never a bowl of popcorn. It's kind of like Ronald Reagan with his jelly beans.

Yeah, he's a big alligator. And Lorne Michaels is a dainty old man.

He's a television producer.

I like your cavalier attitude. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Marcus Parks.

Now, for the next round, does Al Gaeta merely kill Lorne Michaels or does he eat him alive? Because that's going to have a lot of bearing on how Al Gaeta does. He kills him. Well, in the one fight we knew, he just ripped the guy's leg off.

Gotcha.

I'm thinking that if there are the assistants around, Algate is going to get chased off. So Algate is still going to be hungry going into the next fight.

Alright, so that is our... So who's moving on? So our Eastern Conference round two is going to be four Mars Attacks aliens versus Yosef Fritzl on a Boston Dynamics dog. Uh, and, uh, Yon and the Larricans versus a still hungry Al Gator. So let's move over to the Western conference to see what our first round is going to be to the Larricans. Also higher Al Gator. We'll get to it. We'll get to it.

And, of course, had Larsa.

We don't know what's going to happen. We don't know what's going to happen. So, first round is Benicio Del Toro as the Wolfman. Now, Henry has stipulations here.

I say two fights an hour. So right now we're at about 630 p.m.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess that's when it's fully full. Hmm.

Does a werewolf turn when the moon is fully full? The werewolf turns when the moon is fully full.

No. It's the moon has to be fully full. All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He is. He is. As far as actors go. But that's the thing. Benicio Del Toro did enter into this tournament knowing that this could happen. He rolled the dice. And he lost.

Yeah, he did take the payout. He took the money. Well, let's see if it's his widow that's going to get the money in the end because Benicio Del Toro is going up against, ooh, Judge Doom. Judge Doom, the villain in Who Framed Roger the Rabbit.

Yeah. Let me ask you. Am I bleeding right now? No. Okay, good. No. Because it tastes like blood. Yeah, hey. That's just your mouth. Yeah. I got a cold sore, and then when I was doing my announcer voice, it ripped open. What?

God, I opened up my cold sore again.

And remember, he's got springs in his feet. He's very intimidating. He is a cartoon. He's a cartoon. He's a toon.

This is solo. This is solo.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the thing is that he would have had to have known the dip was and that's things that nobody know. None of these fighters know who they're the rest of the people are.

Yeah.

He wouldn't have thought to come with dip.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about 6.37, yeah.

Actually, I don't even think Judge Doom needs to go all the way. I think Judge Doom could just beat him to death with his walking stick.

Oh!

Wow. Yeah, so, I mean, it's going to take some cleverness to take care of Judge Doom. I'll say that. It's definitely going to take some cleverness here.

Yeah, don't count them out.

Slaughtered very, very quickly. Yeah, yeah. All right. Next up, we have... Next round, yeah.

I know you do. I do as well. But he's dead now. Yes. Next up, we have, ooh, Telecom the Whale.

So that is kind of the rough thing.

Oh, of course. We've set up these stipulations before. You do have to go to that environment.

That's why. Yeah. Yeah. Because otherwise it'd just be on the fucking dirt. Yeah.

But whoever fights him, depending on if they're water breathing or not, they will definitely get scuba equipment. They have to fight them. They have to be equals. And that equal will be Luigi Mangione. Oh, man. Okay.

Ah, very good. Yes, Rob has handed me our sports bandages, a.k.a. paper towels. The quicker, thicker, picker-upper. That way I won't be self-conscious about bleeding from my mouth.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

Yeah, because if Luigi killed the owner of SeaWorld, then Telecom would eventually die. The whole thing would fall apart. But it would take a very long time for the entire corporate apparatus to fall around the ears of Telecom.

We also need lawyers.

scuba fighting gear. That's the thing. Here's what we know about Luigi Mangione. Man knows how to prepare. Like, the man knows going in- And he's got money, so he's like Bruce Wayne. Yeah, he's got money, he knows how to prepare, he knows how to go into a situation to win it! He's ready. And he's written on his harpoon gun. He has a harpoon gun.

Yeah.

Technically, you just shoot out the cage. No, but I do think that Luigi prepares. Luigi knows how to get there. He knows how to get the job done. And Luigi does not hesitate. So I don't think there would be any sort of distraction or anything like that. I think he pops in and just right in the brain.

All right. Hell of a first bracket. Yeah, let's move on. Let's move on.

Yeah, but I don't know. I don't know what those SeaWorld killer whales, what they're paying attention to, really. It seems like it takes a while before they notice that someone else gets in the water.

Yeah. Years. Years. All right, so next up we have the biggest monster of the UK, Mr. Jimmy Savile.

You big lumberjack. And I also wouldn't mind getting a sponsorship from Orogel. Oh, certainly. Because I am quite open about cold sore use and cold sore, you know, suffering. Maintenance. Yeah, maintenance. So, yeah, just Orogel, if you need a sponsor, if you need a pretty face, hit me up. But it ain't too pretty because it's got a cold sore on it.

And we have Jimmy Savile versus... It's like versus like here. It's Jimmy Savile. This was completely random. Jimmy Savile versus Diddy. Oh, yeah.

All right, all right. Say them all, say them all. Well, that's the thing, is that Jimmy Savile was a monster of opportunity. He, of course, was known across the United Kingdom for years and years as a man of charity, and that's, of course, how he found many of his victims, you know, in spinal wards, mental hospitals, and so on and so forth, in addition to various kids that were on Jim'll Fix It.

But did he... I think Diddy's like that. He's the spider with the web and Jimmy Savile's the fly. Because Jimmy Savile is the one that he goes to where the action is. And Diddy has the action.

We don't. No, yeah, we do.

Yes. Young teenage girls, that was Jimmy Savile's, that was his taste. Yeah, like, P. Diddy, you know, let's just say... Because Savile's clever. That's what he always said. It's always, it's better to be clever than smart.

Little known fact about Jimmy Savile, wrestler. He was a wrestler, and he was in incredibly good shape his entire life. You know what's hard to wrestle?

Yeah. By far more violent. Because Jimmy Savile was not necessarily known to be violent. Jimmy Savile was a man of opportunity. He liked to prey on the weak. I tell you what, though.

Yeah, but I think with this one, I think Diddy takes it.

All right, so for the last first-round bracket of the Western Conference, we have Keith Raniere. Ooh, he's my guy of NXIVM. Yeah, of NXIVM. And we've also got... The Symbionese Liberation Army. So let's do NXIVM versus the XSLA.

Yeah, I did earn it. Yeah, I did earn it. You'll take a paste, Orogel. Please. But yes, here on the March Madness of Murder and Mayhem, this is our fourth one. And what we're going to be doing today is we're going to be picking 16 fighters out of our cup of champions. Oh, here we go.

The SLA pumps these motherfuckers full of bullets in a second.

And they're also all rich as well, which is going to piss off the SLA.

I think the SLA is going to give the volleyball game a chance. Yeah, I think they're going to try. Yeah, I think they're going to try, I think, because they do have pride.

Yeah.

Yeah, but the SLA still makes him play volleyball.

Okay, yeah, the one that was in Battlestar Galactica or the one that was in Supergirl? It's in Supergirl. The one with Allie Mack.

Yeah.

Okay, so SLA picks up Allie Mack.

That's awesome.

Yeah. She really would. That's who she should have found. Yeah. Wow. So that's the last of the brackets. That's the last of the brackets. And that's the thing. We have one final. We have a couple that did not make the tournament. Unfortunately, Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow did not make the tournament. Unfortunately, they'll have to wait till next year.

All right. So now we are in the quarterfinals. The March Madness of Murder and Mayhem, fourth annual. First up, four Mars Attacks aliens versus Josef Fritzl on a Boston Dynamics dog.

Okay. Yeah, has to. He's not strapped on like Mudang was.

Yeah.

Let's get our first round. And of course, we've got the Eastern Conference and the Western Conference. That's right.

But here's also one stipulation I'm going to put in. We've got four Mars Attacks aliens. Marjorie Taylor Greene was such a beast that they used up every bit of plasma power they have. So they have to fight him with his hands. So from now on, the Mars Attacks aliens are hand-to-hand combat.

With weaponry.

But they started with the laser guns, but they used up all of their laser guns in fighting Marjorie Taylor Greene and killing Marjorie Taylor Greene. They're not infinite, no.

The aliens don't.

No. Here's what I'm going to say is that I actually know a good amount about the Mars Attacks lore. I was obsessed with Mars Attacks when I was in junior high. Okay. But specifically, I was obsessed with the cards, the card that Mars Attacks was based on. But I was also obsessed. Topps Comics had this incredible Mars Attacks series. It was like a five-issue miniseries. Yeah.

All right. So let's start with the Eastern Conference. We're going to go through all the Eastern Conference first round first, and then we're going to go through the Western Conference first round after that. Nothing makes me happier, Marcus. Let's get into the man. So our first contestant today is... Five Mars attacks aliens.

in which it actually showed it from the perspective of the Mars Attacks aliens. The movie, of course, made them very goofy. But if we combine that with the Topps Mars Attacks lore, then we know that the Mars Attacks aliens did have limited resources as they were invading the Earth.

And so if they do have limited resources, there was a lot of management going on of like, where are we going to put all the aliens? Where are we going to put all the UFOs? So that tells me that they do have limited resources, that their weapons are not infinite, and that we are dealing with a situation where they would eventually run out of ammo.

But as we said, what you get in the first round, you can bring to the next round, but you do not get anything extra after you enter the first round.

And if you remember, Joseph Fritzl is a structural engineer, not an electrical engineer. So he's not going to have any idea what to do with that dog. But again, for Mars Attacks Aliens, I do think one Mars Attacks Alien might get trampled by the dog because that's bad. That's his best bet.

They knock it off. But then, unfortunately, they do just knock it off. I think they use their massive glass, like plexiglass heads, and they just headbutt Josef Fritzl over and over again until he's just mush. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But now that they've reprogrammed it, what do we have now? We have three Mars Attacks aliens with one Boston Dynamics dog.

Yeah. All right. So our next fight, we have Jan and the Larricans versus... Still hungry alligator. And I'm thinking... They kill an alligator.

I don't want it to be this way. But this is a blowout.

Of course, Jan Pelgrim's voice, once it gets to a certain frequency, it can make your ears bleed. It does hurt you.

We'll see. We'll see what happens. Okay, so that is Eastern. That's the Eastern quarterfinals over and done with. Let's head over to the Western. This first one, this is a really interesting fight. Judge Doom versus Luigi Mangione. Whoa!

If we remember Judge Doom, one of the things that Judge Doom was about, what Judge Doom was more than anything else in this entire world, Judge Doom was a capitalist. Absolutely. That was his whole plan. His whole plan was to buy the fucking red line and to replace it. We'll see a freeway where you'll see motels, tire salons.

I think so, too. I think he's the only one that could have taken him down.

Oh, no. Judge Doom is like he's the capitalist of all capitalists.

Yeah, he's trying to not only eliminate public transportation, but he is willing to murder and kill the very soul of joy, the toons, in order to do it. And he's also a class traitor because he himself is a toon.

Yeah, fuck him, man. Shoot him in the head. All right, so Luigi moves on to the semifinals. Yeah, wow. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Good work, Luigi. Yeah, and this next one, this one's pretty interesting. This is Diddy versus the Symbionese Liberation Army. Whoa!

They do.

And Diddy's got a lot of cred. And that's all they want.

Yeah, that is true. Are you sure I get you, Diddy? If there's one thing that a white man wants above all else, it's for a black man to tell him that his shoes are cool. That's all they want. He'll do anything for that.

Yeah, the bird matter is closed.

Oh, my God. It happened to me on the train, on the J train once in New York. I was on a high for a week.

So, yeah, I think Diddy takes them out pretty fast. Yeah, I think so, yeah, because I don't.

Yeah, for me, this has been, yeah, without Patty Hearst the entire time. Oh, okay. Yeah, but you know who Diddy picks up, though? Ally Mac. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Very much so. If there's one thing Ally Mac likes to do, it is collaborate. Oh, she does. She does. Wow, so we're down to the final four. Yeah, this is the final four here. So this is incredible.

So now this is, oh man, this is like Duke versus Gonzaga. Like three Mars Attacks aliens with a Boston Dynamics dog versus Jan and the Larricans.

And the other fight is Luigi Mangione versus P. Diddy. What?

Yeah, yeah. Let's do, like, before we go, let's go. Last year's Final Four was on the Eastern Conference. We had Xenu, the Scientology god, versus the Xenomorph, you know, alien. And on the other side, we had Godzilla, who was... Quite injured by 400 birds versus a killdozer possessed by Pazuzu.

But this year, I feel like we're really getting it down to brass tacks. What do people want to hear? Yeah, I feel like because, I mean, it's been a long time since we've had a group versus a group in the final four. But I'm thinking that at the end of the day. Jan and the Larricans might overtake the three Mars Attacks aliens and the Boston Dynamics dog.

And who is fighting five Mars attacks aliens? Let's see here. It is Marjorie Taylor Greene. Oh, the bruiser from, I believe it is Missouri.

I don't mind that. God, they have the chance.

And at the end of the day, it's like I was saying with Jan Pelgrim, the register of his voice, that high-pitched... As soon as he learns how to sing, boom. All three Mars attacks aliens explode. The heads explode, just like in the movie.

Yeah.

Sure, yeah. I'm going to say he takes out three.

Yeah, like Heathcliff getting into a fight.

Yes, of course. Well, Jan's the one who delivers the coup de grace.

All right. So how is this fight? So we're doing this in a dirt field. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Nope. I think that the other larrikins take care of that. I think the other larrikins make sure that the Boston, because remember they have.

Yeah. But also remember they have.

They have everything. They have everything that they gained from killing Al Gaeta. Yeah, remember, they have all their stuff.

Yeah. It all depends on if the Boston Dynamics dog gets them down on the ground and stomps on them. Yeah, and starts ripping out their throats. Well, it doesn't have a mouth. It doesn't? No. No. It's just legs. The Boston Dynamics dog, its only power is in its legs and how much it can stamp.

It does.

No head. No head.

Yeah, we decided not to do that. But I think in the end of it, yawn and the larrikins take it. All right, so we're talking seven larrikins and yawn. Yeah, seven larrikins and yawn.

Yeah. They just want it. And that's the thing is that the Larricans never would have made it if Jan hadn't come on because Jan was the one that eventually saved him from the Mars attacks aliens. Yes. You never know what's going to happen on the last podcast on the left, March Madness of Mayhem and Murder.

And there's a reason why this was the wild card edition because anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Semi-finals on the other side, we have Luigi Mangione versus P. Diddy. I don't think it's a competition at all. I don't think Luigi Mangione is impressed by a single fucking thing that Diddy has to say or do. And I think Luigi Mangione, again...

Shoots him in the back of the head.

He has to. It's a fight.

But Luigi loves the attention. Exactly. But that's the thing is that actually, if you guys, I don't know if you guys know this, but I think Luigi and Diddy are currently in the same prison. Like they're in the same, I think they're currently in the same jail. And I think I remember, I think I remember reading that Diddy is actually jealous of Luigi for how much attention Luigi is getting.

And Luigi is actually, Luigi is trying to back off a little bit. He's like, stop sending pictures. I don't need any more pictures.

But we have established that Luigi prepares. Of course. And I think what Luigi's going to bring to this one... Landmines. Landmines? Wow. Why is that going to matter to him? Or explosives. That's going to take away the fucking first wave of the goons.

No, no, no. Once you murder someone, well, Diddy's not really into Satanism or anything like that, so no, he's just murdering.

Yeah, that is true. That is true. Yeah, I think. Wow, yeah. I didn't even think about it in terms of that. The baby oil. Yeah, because that's the thing. It's hubris because Luigi Mangione could suffer from hubris. This is Batman versus the Joker. Did you remember when Diddy dressed as the Joker? Yeah, Diddy did dress as the Joker and I think this might be the time that the Joker takes it.

Wow, yeah.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

People are really going to be upset. It's going to be really unpopular. Just because

What are we supposed to do here? Casey Anthony's still out there hanging out. Is that Diddy as the Joker? Yeah, that's Diddy as the Joker. God, he looks great.

Yeah. Oh, my God. That sounds extraordinarily frightening.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, unfortunately, yeah, Diddy does take it, but this is a very interesting final. This is the longest fight we've had. Yeah. But this is a very interesting final here. Oh, man, it is Diddy versus Jan and the Larricans.

So I'm thinking that, okay, so with the Mars Attacks aliens, do they have the space lasers or are they hand-to-hand here? I think that they have laser guns. There's no way these aliens fight fair, first of all.

They like booze, but I think that the larrikins are smart enough to know. that he's going to turn the tables on them. I think that they know that he's just luring them in like a Captain Hook. And I think that they can see past that. And I think that there is somewhat of a code to the larrikins.

I don't think so, because I think that if you have Jan Pelgrim at the head of this larrikin group, because what does Jan Pelgrim want? What is the only thing Jan Pelgrim wants? To kill. Murder. Yep. And Diddy only murders when necessary. Murders way too high profile for him. So I don't think that this is going to be their crowd. I don't think they're going to want in here at all.

A convict, a criminal, a drifter, a bastard. Many different things, yeah. And I think at the end of the day, I think before Diddy even opens his fucking mouth, I think a larrikin hits him in the head with a slingshotted rock and he goes down and they just beat him to death. You don't think he doesn't have a gun on him at all times? He might have a gun. He might.

But at this point, we've just been using oil. But that's the thing, is that Diddy, by the strategy that you put forth, Diddy's strategy is to try to bring the kids in. He's going to try to manipulate them. He's going to smooth talk them. Yeah, he's going to smooth talk them. He's not going to come out with a gun.

I think the larrikins get him in the head with the rock, and that's really all you need. A well-placed rock.

Yeah, and I think at the end of the day, after they kill Diddy, they take over his empire and they run it into the ground.

And the larrikins form the real one. That's it. Yeah, larrikins form the real bad boy entertainment. And ladies and gentlemen, that was the fourth annual Last Podcast. On the left, March Madness of Murder and Mayhem, wild card edition. One of the craziest tournaments we've ever had in the entirety of this tournament that we've been doing over the years. My God, that was a hell of a day.

It was a hell of a night.

There's nothing in this world that scares us more than 14-year-old boys.

Patreon.com slash Last Podcast on the left. If you want to see this and all of our episodes in video form, you can see absolutely on the video that every single one of our matchups were completely and totally random. Pulled it from this cup that I'm holding right here. Nothing fixed here. Nothing fixed.

You can also check us out at Last Podcast on the left on TikTok and Instagram and go check out all of our streams at twitch.tv slash LPN TV. And don't forget to come see us on tour.

You're allowed.

But I do think that the Mars attacks aliens, they're clever. That's the thing about them. They're warriors. They're very clever, and Marjorie Taylor Greene is not very bright.

She's a tank.

That is true, but the Mars Attacks aliens do have the range, though. They do, and they also... Let me take my heels off!

And remember, there's five of them.

But the Mars Attacks aliens, as we know, are not swayed by female or human sexuality in any way whatsoever.

She has a Dillinger in her pussy. But I believe that traditional firearms were not that effective against the Mars Attacks aliens. No, as we know, it's only that one song. It's just that one song. Yeah. And I don't think Marjorie Taylor Greene listens to music that good.

Yeah, she's definitely... She's got one. Yeah, she's going to take out one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're going to sacrifice one in order to sneak up behind her and take her down.

Yeah, she's definitely... I actually see it more like the sort of situation where they have to, like, surround a massive elephant and, like, five people have to, like, shoot.

You can't defeat the green.

That is all that is left is her tits and hair. All right. So round one. The Mars attacks. Aliens take it. All right. What a satisfying conflict. All right, so round two, we have Joseph Fritzl with his grandfather's Luger. Very good. Very important.

So what age of Joseph Fritzl are we hitting here? Now. Oh, no.

No, 85-year-old Josef Fritzl. Yeah. But he's got his grandfather's Luger. And he's out of prison. And he's out of prison. Okay. And he's going to be going up against... Mudang the hippo strapped to a Boston Dynamics song.

So I kind of want to talk about this choice. This is Henry's choice. Obviously, this is Henry's choice.

Yeah. The miniature hippo.

It's baby Mudang.

It's baby Moodang. Moodang at the height of its popularity.

Yeah.

I think that's unfair. I think that Moodang should be strapped on top of the dog. That's what I kind of mean. Yeah, yeah. It's essentially, it's a belt attached to it. Yeah, yeah.

But I do think that Joseph Fritzl, he's an old man. I don't know what his marksmanship skills are like. So I think he's going to wait until the Boston Dynamics dog with Mudang strapped on top charges him.

Waits until he charges him. And so he's going to shoot Mudang right before the Boston Dynamics dog slides into him. But that's the thing. The Boston Dynamics dog is going to collide with the old man. Well, now Yosef Ritzel has been knocked out of his wheelchair.

Mitch McConnell. Unfortunately, we forgot that in Croatia, the wind blows with powdered glass.

Yes, yes. He's on his feet. He's definitely on his feet, and he's a little badder. Because that's what we've got to remember. The rules that we put in last year is that you do go into the next round with the injuries that you sustained in the round before. So, for example, we have only four Mars Attacks aliens left.

Mudang is the driving force. Yeah, Mudang is the driving force. I think after he kills Mudang, Fritzl gains control of the Boston Dynamics dog. He's riding the Boston Dynamics dog. So now it's Joseph Fritzl riding a Boston Dynamics dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it shot Mudang in the head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, next round. Wow, this is great. This is really our best work. Yeah, it really is. This is the best stuff we do. Ten fully armed Australian larrikins.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started.

It's not me.

Yeah.

Bam! Yeah! Ow!

Whoa!

Oh, wow.

Ha ha ha!

Eat the horse, boy.

Oh, yeah.

Just wagging his finger.

Enough. Right?

Yes. One more time, lady. One more time.

Get all right, kids.

It's a great town.

There's no place to escape to. This is the Lost Podcast. On the left.

1983.

Extreme aging!

I'm sorry.

Yeah. That's what they do best.

1637.

Fly from your grave.

One.

Without a doubt.

Yeah.

Very good.

Did you tell him that you come with shit? Off mic.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left.

Yes! Yes!

Yeah, do it for Christ.

Yeah, I remember that. What? Being gay isn't a thing? Murder is legal?

You smoke way too much weed.

Blandina, get off the hog.

Lying France? Yeah, I bet. Stupid lies. Well, I'm from Truth America.

You got it, boss. Blandina's on the menu. Come on, y'all. Woo, woo, woo, woo.

Maybe them periods don't ran them away. You know what?