Ben Kissel

I'll drink milk, but I won't suck.

I don't like penis.

I won't eat semen.

Yeah.

So listening to this week's Side Stories episode, I was compelled to share some personal experiences.

I will admit, as a young, curious teen, I attempted to deflate myself, but was unsuccessful.

Not for a lack of trying, I digress.

Recently, I was overseas for work.

While over there, I met a woman for what I thought would be a standard night out for drinks with no strings attached.

The night was going well, but as she drank more, I began to learn more.

Somehow we had gotten onto the topic of sex.

I wasn't complaining as the aspect was part of the reason we were meeting up in the first place.

However, I quickly became self-aware about how vanilla my sex life was when she began to detail some of her own experiences.

She was a self-proclaimed muscle mommy and enjoyed dominating.

Her M.O.

was making dudes bust their nut into their own mouths.

To do this, she'd get them all horned up and perform oral sex on them.

And when they were about to climax, she would hop off, flip their legs up towards their head, and proceed to jerk them off until they were left with no choice but to either spit or swallow their own Koopa.

Wow.

Her number up to that point had been four.