Bill Burr

I loved your new special. I need some advice. I'm a young guy and I haven't even tried to get into a relationship in a few years because my last one turned into a fucking nightmare. Anyways, over the past year, I've been hanging out with this lesbian and we've grown close. Oh, Jesus, dude. This is the ultimate. This is the ultimate just cold case file, dude.

You're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend. The problem is I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome. Which makes me think she might want to fuck me but doesn't want to admit it to herself. Oh, strike everything that I just said. Dude, you have fucking walked into paradise.

You're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend. The problem is I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome. Which makes me think she might want to fuck me but doesn't want to admit it to herself. Oh, strike everything that I just said. Dude, you have fucking walked into paradise.

You're chasing leads that aren't even there. She's amazing and my best friend. The problem is I find myself growing more and more attracted to her by the day. We've talked about having a threesome. Which makes me think she might want to fuck me but doesn't want to admit it to herself. Oh, strike everything that I just said. Dude, you have fucking walked into paradise.

I am happy for you, my friend. God bless you. God fucking bless you. I hope this fucking turns out the way I think it's going to. This just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now. Lately, she's been trying to get me a girlfriend, probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. What the fuck do I do, Bill? Please help me and go fuck yourself. What do I do?

I am happy for you, my friend. God bless you. God fucking bless you. I hope this fucking turns out the way I think it's going to. This just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now. Lately, she's been trying to get me a girlfriend, probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. What the fuck do I do, Bill? Please help me and go fuck yourself. What do I do?

I am happy for you, my friend. God bless you. God fucking bless you. I hope this fucking turns out the way I think it's going to. This just made the rest of my day that someone's in this situation right now. Lately, she's been trying to get me a girlfriend, probably so this sexual tension can be redirected. What the fuck do I do, Bill? Please help me and go fuck yourself. What do I do?

Dude, I've never been in this situation. I'm living vicariously through you. What do you do? Don't fuck it up. Dude, okay, wait a minute. Who's been in this situation? And don't fucking lie to me. Send in what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, dude. God fucking bless you. What do you do? Oh, Jesus. Okay, what the fuck would I do? I don't know, man. You know what I would do?

Dude, I've never been in this situation. I'm living vicariously through you. What do you do? Don't fuck it up. Dude, okay, wait a minute. Who's been in this situation? And don't fucking lie to me. Send in what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, dude. God fucking bless you. What do you do? Oh, Jesus. Okay, what the fuck would I do? I don't know, man. You know what I would do?

Dude, I've never been in this situation. I'm living vicariously through you. What do you do? Don't fuck it up. Dude, okay, wait a minute. Who's been in this situation? And don't fucking lie to me. Send in what this guy can do so he doesn't fuck this up. Oh, dude. God fucking bless you. What do you do? Oh, Jesus. Okay, what the fuck would I do? I don't know, man. You know what I would do?

I would go out drinking with her, right? And I would fucking, all right, pick somebody out. Who do you like? You go up, you strike a conversation, you know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation so the fucking other lady keeps her defensive shield down. Okay, this is what you do, dude. You get into great fucking shape, okay? You got to help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay?

I would go out drinking with her, right? And I would fucking, all right, pick somebody out. Who do you like? You go up, you strike a conversation, you know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation so the fucking other lady keeps her defensive shield down. Okay, this is what you do, dude. You get into great fucking shape, okay? You got to help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay?

I would go out drinking with her, right? And I would fucking, all right, pick somebody out. Who do you like? You go up, you strike a conversation, you know what I mean? Maybe she strikes up the conversation so the fucking other lady keeps her defensive shield down. Okay, this is what you do, dude. You get into great fucking shape, okay? You got to help out your lesbian girlfriend, okay?

You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe. You got to look right when you're going out. You put on a pair of fucking MeUndies. Okay? You eat Blue Apron for a goddamn month. You shed some fucking pounds. You put on some beyondies. You dress fucking right. Okay? Give your lesbian friends something to work with. Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast? How does this go down?

You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe. You got to look right when you're going out. You put on a pair of fucking MeUndies. Okay? You eat Blue Apron for a goddamn month. You shed some fucking pounds. You put on some beyondies. You dress fucking right. Okay? Give your lesbian friends something to work with. Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast? How does this go down?

You get yourself a new fucking wardrobe. You got to look right when you're going out. You put on a pair of fucking MeUndies. Okay? You eat Blue Apron for a goddamn month. You shed some fucking pounds. You put on some beyondies. You dress fucking right. Okay? Give your lesbian friends something to work with. Are there any lesbians listening to this fucking podcast? How does this go down?

Fuck. Maybe she knows. Hang on a second. Let me hit pause. You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here Ahold of my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right? Well, I'm going to have to put this... This one I can't do. Okay? And I always say, oh, it's a fucking podcast. She's never going to be on again. No. My daughter's developing.

Fuck. Maybe she knows. Hang on a second. Let me hit pause. You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here Ahold of my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right? Well, I'm going to have to put this... This one I can't do. Okay? And I always say, oh, it's a fucking podcast. She's never going to be on again. No. My daughter's developing.

Fuck. Maybe she knows. Hang on a second. Let me hit pause. You know what I realized? You know what I realized? She's going to come in here Ahold of my daughter, and we can't talk about this shit when she's here. All right? Well, I'm going to have to put this... This one I can't do. Okay? And I always say, oh, it's a fucking podcast. She's never going to be on again. No. My daughter's developing.

Eventually, she'll be playing with toys. She can sneak in here, and she can answer some goddamn questions. All right? There you go. Or... I don't know how to do it. Anyways, dude, I don't know what to tell you, dude. I'm so fucking excited I can't even think straight right now. God bless you. I hope this fucking works out, man. And I want to hear the fucking story.