Bobby Lee
π€ PersonPodcast Appearances
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.
Big time. Some of it is watching codependency, what it looks like for them and realizing, Right. I did that. I still do that. Seeing that and then having a kid that is really different than you. That's also a big one. Like if they're an island, you're a wave kind of thing.
But deeper than the kid thing, if you're getting older and you're doing any work on yourself, there just becomes like an end of act two moment.
It's so embarrassing. Like all these, I always, I never, I'm this kind of person. Yeah. It's so gross because it's not really true or even really true anymore.
Maybe it's just an old story. And then you got to start practicing your backhand, basically. What is your backhand thing that you can do? You just don't do it as much or as often. Do you want to practice that in act three? But it's so funny you say that. On my way here, I was thinking... What version of myself will show up in this interview? Oh.
I wanted to be the authentic version, but I was nervous because I could bring a different version if I wanted to.
Yes, I'm in group therapy and individual. Oh my goodness. And guess what's coming back? Couples therapy. Guess what, motherfucker?
So, you know, I'm so obsessed with couples therapy that I do a fake podcast where I play a couples therapist named Dr. Sheila. Question mark. The question mark. Thank you, Dex, due to legal reasons. And I'm obsessed. And you are too. Why do you think we are? Why are we obsessed with couples therapy? Well, I'm obsessed with all of it. I love Orn. I love anyone that does a good job at anything.
Her hair and her ability to just look and not talk is...
And then also I'm obsessed with why is she doing it? Oh, we get into that one.
Can't wait to hear. Then the couples. I'm like, thank you for your service. Truly. And not in a million years, babers. For me? No way.
That's too much. Yeah.
I'm working on, this is going to sound so cheesy, this connection, but this is why I'm like, I'm going to do TikTok this year because I know this is cheesy.
But the connection really, it's bigger than that, which is how do you allow yourself to be seen? You have to allow yourself to be seen or known. Sometimes as I get older, I realize, Am I truly known? It's like a deep ache. You want to be known? So it's kind of like how much do you give away? Who can you do it with and to? You want to be known. You don't want to feel lonely. Yeah.
It's more that I feel sad for the parts of me that didn't allow myself to be out there and be known, which is why couples therapy is so fascinating to me. It's like this combination of, and therapy in general, being tender and being known and then also setting good boundaries and taking care of yourself. It's deep stuff. I just love it.
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.
Du weiΓt, wo ich bin. Du bist im KΓΌhlraum. Nein, ich bin auf dem Boot, aber ich bin auf der Strongman-Route. Wo ich nicht viel tun muss. Ich stelle nur meine Hand auf das Ding. Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal! Und ich gehe einfach so. Du hΓ€ltst Zeit. Ja, ja, ja. Ich verstehe das.
Das ist der Drum. Das ist nicht Fury Road. Okay. WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Wo ich... Fuck you and Fury Road.
It wasn't being aggressive, dude. It was just an observation. I'm so sorry that maybe I do come across that way.
What's up? What's up, man? What's going on? Thanks for doing it. Oh, I'm so happy to hear it. I'm a big fan. Really? Yeah. I just made a little observation if you want to hear it. I would love to hear it. Yeah, yeah. It's just everything comes from a negative lens with you sometimes, you know? Really? Yeah, a little bit. But, you know, you do you. You do you, I'll be me.
Der Junge aus der Garage. Richtig, das ist er. Ich nenne es den Junge aus der Garage.
And it's really good to see you, man. I like what you're doing out there.
I do. Yeah. Is that better now?
Okay, cool. Was that the feedback? Was that it?
No, it's like, you know, because last night you were, you know, no offense, you know, I love you. But what, no, I'm talking. Hey, man. See, that's what it is. I think it's him. Did you see that? No, Ander, please back me up. Okay, okay. Be real. Can I ask a question first? No. Make a comment about my observation just now. He is excited to be here. So nervous.
I think I know what it is. What is it? It's the four-finger point.
Du sagst, kann ich dir was mit vier sagen? Das ist gut.
Oh, you're doing great. I like your shit online. You fuck a lot on the road.
Go back up, back up for a second. I gotta be you real quick. Get those eyes open.
Oh, man. The sheer disrespect. I do a lot of autotune. That's why...
Oh, ja, mach es wieder. Ich habe noch eine Liste. Ich will... Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.
Das klingt... Nein, weil Leute ΓΌber meine Begegnungen mit ihnen ΓΌberlegen. Ich meine es wirklich. Denkst du, du bist Bill Murray oder so?
Ist es nicht Bill Murray, der das macht? Nein, was ich sage, ist, dass die Leute sagen, ich habe Bobby Lee getroffen, er hat das gemacht. Ich habe das nie gemacht. Ja. Ich meine, es ist so, ich weiΓ nicht. Ich erinnere mich nicht daran. Das ist so, wie ich es erinnere. Ich erinnere mich wahrscheinlich anders.
Und das ist das Ding mit Storytelling. Das ist das Ding mit, weiΓt du, hast du den Film Rashomon gesehen? Ja, Rashomon. WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Ist das Rashomon, wo es so ist? Es sind drei Leute, die die Geschichte einer Sache erzΓ€hlen, aus ihren verschiedenen Sichtpunkten. Also in diesem Rauschenmann-Kontext, mein Sichtpunkt ist das folgende. Ich habe dich in Abbot Kinney gesehen.
Und ich sage, oh, er ist cool. Und ich sage, wie geht die KomΓΆdie? So erinnere ich mich. Und dann in der Impro, das ist so, wie ich es sehe, sage ich, oh, ich liebe deine Sachen online. Du sagst, ja, ja, ja. Und dann sagst du, du hast gesagt, ich kriege viele MΓ€dchen. Und ich sage, oh, das ist cool, weil das passiert, wenn du aufstehst. Das ist mein Ansatz. Das ist, wie du es gedacht hast?
Das ist, wie ich es in meinem Ansatz gesehen habe.
Last night I'm at the comedy store and I see this sickly guy. Not sickly. Handsome. Skinny. You're not talented. You mean in shape? Das ist das, was ich erwΓ€hnte. Ja, wie ein in Former. Du hast recht, du hast recht. Okay.
Sehr gut. Sehr gut.
Interesting, because Andrew doesn't do backyards.
Ich kann nicht sehen, dass du nach Venice gehen kannst. Das war ein langer Zeit.
Oh Gott. Oh Gott. Oh Gott. Oh Gott. Oh Gott. Oh Gott. Oh Gott. Oh Gott. Oh Gott.
But he loves the Ponca. You know, it's so fun. Because, here's what's fun about life. I just can't believe it. What can't you believe? I mean, it's just like, lie. You'll never meet the guy. Lie, lie.
It's always funny. It's incredible. Wow, okay.
Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das. Wir machen das.
That's it. You know what, dude? I'm sorry, bro. It just came out. I know, dude. I apologize. When you said that, it rang true with me. Du weiΓt, es ging mit mir wahr. Ich wollte nichts sagen. Ich wollte das frΓΌher sehen. Ja. Schade. Oder es kΓΆnnte der Vietnam War und Agent Orange sein. Ich weiΓ es nicht. Das kΓΆnnte es sein. Interessant. Du bringst es zurΓΌck. Asian Shit. Ich verstehe es.
Sehr interessant. Du hast das gemacht. Ja, das ist unglaublich. Ja. Vielleicht ist es Covid. What's next?
We heard it the whole trip. Jeremiah Watkins last night called me fatty. He goes, what's up, fatty? And I could not believe it. Yeah, but he's like paper. He's like a wispy thin guy.
Wenn es ein Feierabend ist, werde ich lachen. Einmal war mein Bruder an einem Feierabend und wir haben einen Knall gehΓΆrt. Und ich habe gesagt, guck, Auntie Han will raus. Und dann hat mein Bruder angefangen zu lachen. Unkontrollierbar. Ja. Also es ist einfach in einer unbedeutenden Situation. I'm waken back at him, he's waken at me.
Yeah, I love you, dude. Dude, you and I, we should have been pals long ago. Let's play some Fortnite together. Or Call of Duty or something. Yeah, yeah, Warzone or something.
Right in the middle of Hamas. Yeah, right in the middle.
It doesn't matter. Yeah, Allah.
You know what's fun? Get a couple of pieces of paper. We're going to write some lines. He's going to sing them. Yeah, McCone gets some paper. If it's too much, you know what I mean?
Kann ich dir eine Frage stellen? Wenn du auf deinem Show bist und die Leute nicht singen, weiΓt du, manchmal... Ja, ich werde ΓΌberrascht. Es ist fΓΌr mich ΓΌberraschend, wenn ich es sehe. Ja. Gib es zumindest ein bisschen. Aber ich sage dir was.
Welcome back to Till Coney.
Till Coney and Dr. Phil got to his head. Anyway, so last night this guy comes up to me. Yeah. Morgan J. Is it J. Morgan or what? What happened?
Who are these two idiots?
Did you write the dwarf cowboy? No, he added that. Mine was the farting. Which I ended it there, but then he added the dwarf stuff. Then you also added more of the Ching Chong Ping Pong.
Wir haben das schon lange gemacht.
Ich bin alte Freunde, ja. Es wird wert. Ist er noch wΓΌtend an dir? Wir werden es herausfinden.
Yo, Alter, was ist los? Es ist so verrΓΌckt, Alter. Ich bin in den fucking Morgan J. gegangen. Und er war so, yo, du, der verdammte Arschloch hat mir zweimal seinen Podcast gemacht. Das war fucking Bullshit. Und ich war so, nein, ernsthaft, was ist passiert, Alter?
Was ist passiert, Alter?
Ich dachte, er hat es gut gemacht.
Denken wir, wir sollten ihn auf unserem Show haben, Morgan? Ja, sicher. Warum? Aber wirklich? Warum? Ja, weil ich von Whitney-Sachen gehΓΆrt habe. Andere haben es gesagt. Wirklich? Er ist steif. Er weiΓ nicht, wie man Informationen hinzufΓΌgen kann. Er ist ein Diva. Ist er ein Diva?
Ja, aber wenn du ihn anschaust, sieht er nicht aus wie ein Rat? Seine fucking ZΓ€hne und die Art, wie seine Gesichter aussehen, wie ein Rat. Nein, ich bin ehrlich.
Das ist ein perfekter Name.
Ja, er ist gut. Nein, er ist wirklich gut. Nein, weil du sogar gesagt hast, ich meine, wenn du, du warst selbstbewusst. Ja, wir waren selbstbewusst. Es gibt Zeiten, in denen ich Podcasts mache, in denen ich sage, das war, ich war verdammt schrecklich.
Ja, du kannst das nicht ausmachen. Es war so schlecht. Du kannst das nicht ausmachen. Oder du gibst ihnen ein Millionen Noten, du musst das ausmachen, das ausmachen, das ausmachen.
See, I don't want to do live streaming. Here's what works for us. We just absolutely do not prepare anything.
You were mad at this list. No, we just kind of show up and just do it and sometimes we don't air it. Some of us prepare. What do you mean?
Ich verstehe, dass du Arbeit machst. Hier ist ein Video, das wir sehen werden. Aber was ich generell sage, wie wir es ΓΆffnen werden oder die Dinge, die wir sogar in den ersten 45 Minuten gesagt haben, haben wir nicht geplant. Nein, wir haben es nicht geplant. Nichts davon. Das ist richtig. Ja, wir fahren einfach die Waffe. Und manchmal ist die Waffe nicht fahrbar. Ja, es ist ein Schwellen.
Ja, es ist ein Ein-Footer. Und dann sagen wir manchmal, wir kΓΆnnen diese Fotos nicht lΓΆsen. Ja.
Ich habe sie gerade gemacht.
Aber sie sind wirklich kurz. Sind sie normalerweise lΓ€nger? Nein, ich meine, wenn ich nichts gemacht hΓ€tte, wΓ€re es sicherlich ein Unibrow.
Oh yeah, I have to say something. I prefer that to the... Kalilah, I used to take her to the threading place. I see them do it. You've never had to trim your eyebrows?
How often do you do that? Once a month? When I can taste my hair, then I cut it.
Sometimes I go, wow, this pastrami sandwich is rough. Und ich dachte, oh, mein kleines Haar ist in das, weiΓt du, was ich meine?
No. We didn't get sick at all. In Australia we didn't get sick.
MΓΆchten MΓ€dchen, wenn du mit ihnen bist, wenn du in einem Hotel bist, willst du, dass du das dann machst? Hast du das jemals gemacht?
Oh, ja, nimm diese Balls.
Am I fat? Am I fat? No. Like your brother said? No. You've been thinking about that. You're not. Yeah, I've been thinking about that the whole time. You're down six pounds. Am I fat like your brother said? You're literally not. You're stout. You're stout. You're stout, dude. I'm not stout.
Ja, ich lasse es gehen. Ja, ja.
Was passieren wird? Oh, ich werde gerissen.
Ja, Alter, nimm ihn. Du wirst sehen. Ich tue nicht... WeiΓt du, was ich in Australien immer gesagt habe? Morgan J., wenn ich darf. Ja. Okay? Ja. Es ist diese Art von Bullying. Es ist das hier. Nein, es ist das hier. Nein, nein, nein. Ich werde gejagt. Ich werde gejagt.
Und dieser Kerl kackte wie eine HyΓ€ne in der Nacht, Alter. In meinem Gesicht. Und weiΓt du, was ich ihm gesagt habe? Ich habe gesagt, all diese Leute, du wirst es sehen. Du wirst es sehen. I love a challenge. You can do it. I love a challenge. No, you can't. I believe in you.
I know, but I'm still going to look like... That's still me. That's ripped to me. He is ripped. Yeah, yeah. And I can't get there. There's no... Physiologically... There's no way you'll ever get there. I love those fucking... Dude. You'll never be able to get there. A grasshopper, and I fought it with my... Okay.
So, everyone listening to now, you heard it first. Wait six months to a year. Let's do it. And then we'll see.
You'll be like Alex.
Yeah, man, I got fucking jacked as shit. Frogs are gay.
I'm fucking Cornholio.
Ist sie wunderschΓΆn?
He'd be like, yeah, so Joe, that's the thing that's going on. It's like, frogs are gay. That's an emulation. Children are gonna be gay like frogs and be hot bump and all. And then he would stop and in the middle of it go, baby, baby, kissy, kissy. Ha, ha, ha.
Meine Hand zu Gott. Baby, kissy, kissy. Oh mein Gott, ich liebe es.
Zwei vielleicht, weil kissy, kissy bedeutet zwei.
Ja, kissy, kissy, kissy. Ja, ja, ja, ja. Aber er wΓΌrde nicht mal einen Beat verpassen. Er geht direkt zurΓΌck zu Rogan und sagt, und das ist das Ding, wenn sie einen Frosch licken, versuchen sie, sich hochzuhalten, und sie werden auch gay werden. Sie werden dich gay werden und du bist kissy, kissy.
I was like, does he go like, yeah, sucky, sucky, baby. Wow, that's where sucky, sucky maybe came from. Sucky.
Is that 50 years ago, 100 years ago? Is it still $2? That's from a movie, right? $2 sucky, sucky, what? Chinatown, maybe? Like, inflation's gone up. You think it's like $80?
Is it $80 sucky, sucky now, you think, or $100?
That was so sincere, dude. That was so funny, dude.
He didn't do it for it. Oh my god, I got AIDS, I got the art.
Yeah. Interesting.
He looks like he has AIDS right there. Yeah. Terrible, bro. Look at that. He's like, I got AIDS. No. Oh, here we go, an AIDS song. I have AIDS.
Du weiΓt nicht, wie ich koreanisch spreche?
Is there a website that has the definition?
So last night he comes up to me nervous. He goes, I'm a little nervous. I go, about what? He goes, I wrote down questions.
Oh, Songwu. That's Songhui, not Songwu.
Ja, Film, die verbrechen es.
Sie haben keinen extra frischen Kaffee beim Kentucky Fried Chicken in Australien.
Sie sagten, es war wirklich gut. Die QualitΓ€t des Kaffees ist gut, aber sie haben keinen extra frischen Kaffee. Es muss frisch sein.
Was ist dein bestes gebratenes Kuchen? In meinem Leben? Ja, das Dave Chappelle gebratenes Kuchen.
Ich konnte meinen Nacken nicht bewegen und mein Herz stΓΌrzte.
Warst du zufrieden mit ihm? Nein, ich bin zufrieden. Aber als wir ihn zuerst gesehen haben, haben wir gesagt, wir gehen zurΓΌck ins Hotel. Wir sind in den Auto gegangen und er und ich haben beide angefangen zu schluchzen.
Wirklich? Ja, weil es so cool war. Er hat uns in seinem Jeep am Flughafen gekriegt. He picked you up? He drove and he picked you up? He literally was leaning against the Jeep. What's up, man? And we got in. It was incredible.
Das ist inspirierend. Ich denke, das ganze Ziel meines Lebens und dieses ganze Abenteuer, das ich gemacht habe, und es war ein ganzes Abenteuer. Ja, das ist verrΓΌckt. Diese kleinen Momente, es geht nicht darum, okay, hier geht's, Abenteuer.
Lass es erst raus, weil ich das mag. Ja, es geht um jedes Jahr, wenn etwas Neues passiert, glaube ich, ist das mehr wichtig als Erfolg. Wie, weiΓt du, als wir an dieser Insel waren und wir ein paar kleine Quokkas gekauft haben und sie hatten ein kleines Babyquokka aus dem Bein.
Und dann, weiΓt du, ich nehme ein Selfie mit dem Quokka und ich bin so, ja, ja, es ist ein Moment, den ich nie geplant hatte. Es war eine Γberraschung.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was, um, memories. When you build memories, I think that's what the point of life is.
And experiences. And it's like, you know, the Chappelle thing was that, and I think some of the things we experienced with Quokkas.
Yeah, and also, um, Riding scooters in the park with my bad friend. Yeah, dude. Yeah, 14,000 seats. 14,000 seats. Sold out. 45,000 Australians. Sucking in air through an asshole.
That's a memory. That's a memory. Australia. That's the whole point of life. That is. Yeah, don't you think? Yeah, let me do mine.
I love that. Beautiful.
Wait, wait, hers is called Tiger Milk? Tiger Milf.
Do it. Every day. No, in New Zealand. No, going to New Zealand. Oh my God, that was a meltdown.
Well, not just any dog. The greatest dog alive. Yeah, yeah. And so my dog... Snoop Dogg did it. Yeah, Snoop Dogg chewed on my passport. Hey cuz, give me that passport. So there's a couple of pages with bite marks in it. Und wir waren auf dem Weg und sie sagten, nein, du kannst nicht. Und ich so, was meinst du? Du kannst nicht in das Land kommen.
Oh, das hat... Sie schlossen ihn ab. Also ich saΓ da, wΓ€hrend alle auf dem Flugzeug gingen. Und ich dachte, ich glaube... Und dann begann es zu melken.
You should have went up my story.
Well, you want to wrap it up then, sweetheart? Yeah.
Let's end this. Wrap up the show with a song. I'd like that.
Bruder, wir sind schon da. Nein, ich bin noch nicht da. Er sagt noch etwas. Er sagt noch etwas! Was sage ich? Ich bin so nervΓΆs. Ich bin mit jemandem. Er gibt mir die Liste. Wer bist du mit? Ein Comic? Eine junge Frau. Oh, eine schΓΆne Frau. Dann sagt er... Ich habe nicht mal gefragt. Er sagt, ich habe eine Visektomie. Stopp. Dann sagt er, ich schwΓΆre, du willst sie sehen? Stopp, ich war so nervΓΆs.
Ich sage, wir sind auf dem Patio. Ich habe nicht mal gefragt. Du bist der Typ, der seine Pupen an die Audienzen zeigt. Und dann sagt er, ich will sie sehen. Und ich sage, wir sind auf dem Patio, es sind Leute da.
Oh, you can't match... You can't match... You can't match my energy. Okay, you can't match it. My energy is my own frequency. You can't match it.
You, you, you're real bald.
Ich habe den pinken Sack gesehen. Gute Farbe. Gute Farbe. Gute Farbe. Also, ich bin sorry, Alter. Ich bin sorry.
Schmeckt es nicht. Aber, aber, hΓΆr mal. Papier? Kannst du, kannst du das sauber machen?
So... You don't fuck or I hoe? You don't go Midwest, fuck them. You told me. Isn't that where Whitney's kid is from?
Oh, I didn't tell you that?
Yeah. Sometimes I can redirect my jizz.
Go ahead, express yourself.
No, I have another one.
Great. Thank you, thank you. Do you like my sound effects? I really like it. Thanks, man. Very good. You know, usually sound effects don't get involved, you know what I mean? But I thought this is the right time. Sometimes you gotta do it.
What is it? I'm nervous, dude.
I can't believe what's going on right now.
I can't even believe it.
That right there is a grave misjustice. You wouldn't hook up with him? This right here is diabolical. In what context? Schindlers List, yeah. In a Schindlers List context where I'm in a camp, maybe. But no other context. Amistad, maybe. In an Amistad contest, we're in the bottom of... Auf dem Boot. Auf dem Boot. Wir sind auf dem Boot. Du bist nicht auf dem Boot. Was? Du bist nicht auf dem Boot.
Oh, shit. And you shouldn't say that. You should not. Megan. Anyway. Let's play a game. Shut up, weird eyes. That's what she said about me.
We can do it ourselves. We do them all the time. Ready? Yeah. Which one do you like? I'll go first. Go.
I know that. And the reason why he said lemon, because it's yellow now.
Yeah, I can call Pixar.
I forgot that part. Did it start? Yes.
Awesome. This is great.
He would give me a wedgie?
I lost. I don't think that's true. I think it's true and it's rude.
You know what I would do with you if you were my sister?
Every day. That's the show. I would sneak into your room. I would clip hairs from you. Oh, God. No, it's not weird. No, it's just, yes. Well, it's definitely fucking weird. It's not weird. Wait, I'm listening. Thank you.
And then I would find a squirrel skull.
Yeah, in the woods, right? And I would find the perfect one.
And what I would do is I would make a demonic epitaph. Right? I would take this.
Yeah, yeah. I would take this hairs, right? Jam it in the fucking squirrels, your mind and their mouth part of the skull, like in that part, right? It would be sticking out. I would take a stick, right? I would probably put like frog warts.
I think that does something. Like frog skin. The warts. Just the warts. I would squirt it on it. You know what I mean?
And then I would get black handles. Black candle. Yeah. And I would put a circle and put this epitaph. Is that the right word? Epitaph? No. Yes. Effigy? No, no. No. Yeah. Effigy. Sure. Right? And I would do demonic, like, seances.
Right, whatever, right?
And it would haunt you. And I would be gleefully laughing. Anyway.
If I were your brother?
I would be an adopted, so be careful.
I take it back then. I won't clip your hair as I'm making it. Here comes the bully. Yeah.
What? Yeah. You want to see my... I made a little thing. What? What did you make? Oh, yeah. Maybe we could join the science. Like an effigy or something? Like an effigy, dude. Right? Show it to me. Look at that. Keep it in my pocket all day long. Are those black candles? Yes, they're black candles, right? Whoa. These are her hair. You're awesome, Lee. Yeah. Do you feel sick at night?
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Yeah, and that's why Acorns is very important.
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My math teacher in the eighth grade literally did this. I said something like, I'm here or something. And he went.
In front of the class. The whole class laughed. And I laughed too, nervously. It's terrible. In my mind, I was like, I don't think that's right.
Do you like the Blues Brothers?
No, so I did a movie with Jim Belushi. Iconic. Four months ago.
Oh, you're so good. I can't get why I won't buy you. That's wonderful. Oh, wow. What a wonderful treatment. What a good experience. I like it. Oh, no. Yeah, I'm about to snap.
Anyway, him and Dan Aykroyd still tour with Blues Brothers. I found that interesting.
Yeah. No, Dan Aykroyd and Jim Belushi.
Jim Belushi, in his own right, was a star. He was on a sitcom called Look for the New Jim.
Yeah. And he can do a lot of things like John did. Wow. Okay? The talent is in the family.
Okay? I don't like your line of questioning here. That's just an honest line of questioning. You're right. I'm being awful. Thank you. I love you. Thanks for doing it.
I'm so sorry. No, no, no, go ahead.
I was telling these guys, I haven't been sleeping much.
And it's been five days of holding within my cum. Don't you just cum in your belly button? No. I'm trying not to relieve myself in that way. That's why his balls are purple.
Some people get blue, I get purple. Okay. Purple bows. Sorry. That's how my dad said it.
Purple ball. Bobby? Yeah, Dad. I don't know why I do an accent when you talk, Dad. That's my bad.
All right. Boing, boing. Purple.
Yeah, from heaven. Thanks for bringing that up. I didn't know. Yeah, yeah. He's gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know if that's right. It was. Yeah, you think that. You called me. Yeah, but you were the one that told me that when regular girls haunt people, they go boo. And what does my dad do?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's wrong.
I think his lower half is.
Yeah. My theory is this, Lisa Giller, if you want to hear.
When my father died, my brother and I argued about the ashes.
So then I go, just split them up. But I go, make sure my brother gets the upper half and I get the bottom half. Because if a ghost haunts you, you'd rather hear footsteps than the actual.
Right. Have you ever been haunted?
and that's why that's why I clip your hair and make a squirrel epitaph I wish you would kill me yeah me too you had a grumpy day too?
Do both of them the belly rubs? Remember his belly.
It's your last chance to get a belly rub. I'm sorry. I said that I clean them out now, my belly buttons.
Yeah, anyway, watch it. Thank you.
You have an Audi or an Indy?
yeah because they get him fixed at some point they get him fixed or they get him like pushed in that's an Audi no thank you they don't push him in oh yeah you gotta get your uncle I think I have an Audi based on that photo can I just show you yeah
Oh, Iny Audi. Oh, I have a Severance belly button.
Wow. Do you like that show? Yeah, I love it. It's a great show.
He's confused. He didn't even know that there was a guy.
Yeah. There's a lot of good shows out now. I haven't seen anything. You've never seen Severance?
I thought you did a really good job.
Tell me about Belle.
And she was in Australia. Yeah. You saw a documentary on Netflix?
Like I never said the Mendez Brothers show.
I have a speech impediment.
What improv troupe are you in?
I can't do an Asian accent. I've got an Australian accent.
Enough said. What do you like them?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So talented. Can I tell you... Is this UCB? Am I wrong? It is UCB.
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Largo. Can I tell you a compliment about Jason Manzoukas? Sure. I was on a sitcom called Animal Practice.
Why do I bring up Mixology? I wish you would. It was my favorite show that I ever did. Yeah. There he is. It was a sitcom on NBC called, and the star was the monkey. He's on the right.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so look at the poster, right? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tyler Labine, Betsy Sedaro.
Yeah. Tyra Labine. Tyra Labine.
So the show got canceled and it was the day. Can I get a duh? Duh.
And I was going to Seth Meyers' birthday party. Name drop. You know who produced it? Huh. The Russo Brothers. Joe and Anthony Russo. Joe, welcome to the Russo Brothers Pizza Place.
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He's seeing you. What the fuck you doing, sir? Dad? Yeah, son. Hey, dad. Hey, son. What's up? Where have you been? I've been on the bus all day long, man.
After Endgame. They did Captain America Civil War, right? Endgame. All those ones.
Yeah, I'm driving it. I'm taking the ladies. You know, talking about my fucking pineapples on my pizzas. I have a good fucking angle in, man. I miss you, pop. I miss you too, son. What happened to you? You die?
I love bacon wrapped around dates.
Well, that's pretty good too. Very good. Touche.
Oh, fuck you, dude. What have you done? A movie that you can't even get off the ground? That we're not going to fucking do? We're going to do it. You're all talk.
With pineapples. Obviously.
Ooh. You're right. Yeah. They look like little vagas. They look like something's going on.
I was violently sick because of muscles.
Yeah. I got four days. Yeah, San Diego. It almost killed me. It's bad. When they go bad, it goes bad.
When's the last time you had diarrhea, Lisa?
Did you sell a show?
So you're not a part of any company, any production company developing anything for you?
It's a zombie movie. Yeah, and he had funding. So we're all going to fly out. Not you, but I was going to fly out to Spain.
I don't like when you're being coy. We've got stuff too. Hey, we got stuff too, you know?
Right? And then last minute, he's like, I lost funding. I'm like, no shit.
Bobby and I are hosting the show and it's... So we would match you with somebody equivalent level.
To be on our game show.
So let me think of somebody that we could patch her up with.
Can I get through the smell, though? It was actually pungent. Well, it's your fault. I know. I fucked it up.
You go first. You're the guest. What are we doing to explain it to me? We're replicating your fart.
The best what? The best version of your fart. Oh, good. Thank you.
It's like a different interpretation of actually the thing. It's art. It is art. It's all subjective. I feel like I know what the order was. What was the order? You first, you second.
Yours was like... Yours sounded organically farting.
Yeah, yeah. She's better at this.
Well, that was the talent. If you were on a date and a guy did that, is it a red flag?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty good. But would that be a red flag for you?
No, no, just, yeah, like, yeah.
Anyway, can I finish this? I was going to the Seth. Yes, you have a competition. Right. And then so I was walking down Sunset from the store. And then behind me, Jason Manjus just walked by me. Then he looked at me and he paused. He gave me a side hug and he goes, I'm so sorry about your show. And I go, I didn't know him that well. And I thought, what a nice guy. You know what I mean?
I never do. Me and Bob have never farted in front of each other. Never. That was the first time. And then I didn't even get cut out. It was so disgusting.
I'll only fart in front of an ex-girlfriend if they do a blood queef.
Nagasaki, never forget.
Thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you. I'm a good, you know, I would be a good, an ad agency. I would be really good.
Let's come up with a different thing about like, you know, instead of like, hey, can you pee on me? Come up with a different terminology for that.
Yeah. I say that so much.
Can you water the hill?
That's pretty good. What about poop? Mm-mm. You can't come up with one?
I'm from Minnesota. And I'm a college engineer.
Nice to meet you. Lisa Gilroy.
To be there for me in that moment. What are you thinking?
You're a good one, Lisa. I would have got that wrong.
Look at the board. Toot to Connie. Yeah. It's from my mom's house. Look at the board. Bing, bing, bing. Yay.
It was. Yeah, yeah. It was Hilary Duff.
Sorry, Toot. I just don't know how she would come up with that.
Oh, she's going for a fuck you double down.
I lost and I was relying on the money to save my family's business. And this is going to be a triple suicide tonight at the new Khan Angadi's house.
Boo! Way to go, Toot. What a great newt, dude. If you ever repeat that again, I'm going to get... What? Slow down. No, fuck you, dude. Took you, dude. Dude, you can slow down. Really good game show.
Yeah, yeah. It had nothing to do with pee, though.
That's true. My grandfather used to say that. Not everything. Everything involves pee. And I go, what are you saying that for me? You know.
That's iconic. Yeah, that's really good.
Wow. Can I do a toothless and not toothless? Please. All right. Wow. And what did he say? Put the teeth back on. Don't touch me there ever again. Oh, wow.
My grandfather was bilingual. He was a highly educated person. I come from a line of educated people.
Yeah, okay, they're a very good impression. Because if I said it in Korean, the joke wouldn't be there. Let's hear it. I don't know if I can say it.
That was good. Yeah? Yeah, it worked. I just said penis don't touch.
Gochu. What do you mean? What does the word mean?
It's a male genitalia.
This is a kid's show. Okay. I'll tell you some other Korean nasty words if you want to know. Bangu. Bangu, bangu. What's bangu? You know.
You know what it is?
That girl from Texas had a big bogey.
I thought he did. Is that why you did that face? Yeah. No, he's nice.
I know, but I've seen him online. I never met him. Oh. But we'll bib him if he needs to be bibbed. Every time I say husband, I make that face.
All right. All right. Man, I bought my house 20 years ago, man, but it went down in price because of the gamdungis. Oh, boy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So don't say it.
I ate these mussels the other day and made my donkomok burn.
No. Butthole. Butthole.
So kunding is the cheek part?
Let's rate the first one.
Okay. Rating it. Okay, what's going on here?
My dad works for them. Yeah, yeah.
You're being, what do you think? Um. You're contemplating something. Right? Can we ask? Right? Stop this. Like, I'm over it. Watch this. That's what this is like. I'm over it. I'm unaffected.
Yeah. It happened. What is your name?
Yeah. Didn't fart. Didn't fart.
That's very cute. Oh, farted. Yeah. Farting on the street. Yeah, yeah. I'm in Mexico City. I'm bicultural. Farting on the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Too much. Let's go to the last photo.
Yeah, you know who's the, I just did a show, a TV show with the judge. You know who the judge is, right?
I've never seen your ankles before.
That's right. Ike Bernholz's dad.
Wow, nepotism. What's this here?
You have little legs, it looks like.
Have you ever been in a magazine?
I am, actually. Monthly. Have you ever been in a magazine?
oh oh oh hold on let me put it in portrait mode that'll make it good okay perfect thank you okay Santino do you want anything to submit to the magazine if I don't get in a magazine we're done okay ready yep just a little cheese yeah oh oh it's a weird okay yeah that's good yeah um google bobby lee in a magazine yeah I'm not a fucking magazine yeah and then google bobby lee magazine
What is a body part that you don't like about yourself?
Magazine. Magazine. Magazine.
They put any Asian person and that's what comes up. Give me the second photo. Yeah, not me. Third photo. That's a great show. Oh, the fourth one is me. I was on a magazine.
That's Korean. Korean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who would wish for that? And the girls are the very far left in that photo I worked with after that.
No, she was in my, I did these Korean dramas on Mad TV.
It's a little sketch show that was on for a little bit.
I'm not going to look at you because I really hate you. No, you're not. Yes, I am. What's the third, fourth, what's that one right there? Not that one. That one. What is that?
That's the band, Bobby Lee. Yeah, yeah. Go to that one where I'm holding the... Your Raya picture? Yeah.
Okay. Anyway, Jen Rosenstein. Andrew Santino magazine. Let's go.
Wow. It's very deep. What about you? What's a body part you don't like? Can I tell you? I have a story about my belly button.
Yeah, you're in a magazine too. You lied. I forgot that I did that. Yeah, I forgot about the Korean M. I'm sorry.
Okay, we both forgot. I'm sorry. What does it say?
Nailed it. Lisa, can I be honest with you?
I want to be real with you.
It's going to start a fight between us.
Okay? His group and his demographic of people that he hangs out with is star studded.
And I don't have anybody else.
I mean, I can name some names, but the places he goes with the people that he goes to, oh my God.
Look at this. Who's in the front row of a fucking basketball game? Celtics game.
That's exactly right. Yeah.
I know. I wish. Yeah. Anyway.
Maybe because I'm not a fucking star. God.
You fucking piece of shit, man.
No, it's just a story. It has nothing to do with that. I don't like my belly button. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Something that happened. So I literally for 20 years never cleaned it. My belly button.
That was rude. That was bad. Am I bad?
Brother. Sister. Thank you. Hey, brother. Brother. Brother. Okay, now we got to end it. Now we really got to get that. I have to leave now. Literally.
I literally have 740 hours.
You can't go. Thank you for being a bad friend. Say that in the thing.
Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.
Bobby, look at me. Explain it to me.
Is that a part of the show? Yeah.
I fell for it, dude, and I feel shame.
And I was with a girl who was so embarrassing. We're in bed. And she goes, why is your belly button black? I go, what do you mean? She goes, I mean, when I look at it, it's just like a black dot. I go, I've never looked at it. And she's like, is it dirty? So I stuck my finger in it and I did a scoop. It was like a scoop of soil.
Gilroy. Clap around. Clap the hands of the Lisa. You're so talented. I'm enamored by you.
It was so embarrassing. And she was like, I'm going to go home or something like that. Imagine if you just grew something in there, it would be so cute. Yeah, what? Plant a little seed. Like a tomato plant? Yeah, anyway, and now I clean it religiously.
No, it's like 20 years of not cleaning it.
Okay, well, I do it shirtless.
Is there a body part you don't like about yourself? I asked you first, but yeah. I'll tell you mine. What is it? My testicles. And I'll tell you why. It's the wrong color. Thanks for coming by, Lisa.
Yeah, yeah. Would have been a great callback, though.
Yeah, yeah. Try to use another animal practice reference. But my point is that it's too dark of a purple.
You've seen it. I have. It's way too dark. No, it's very dark. I'm thinking about getting bleached.
No, no. I have to bleach them.
Enamored? Is that the right word?
Exactly. Bingo. And there's a ring, a purple ring around the actual shaft. Let's move on.
I know, I know. Exactly. Have you been on a sitcom?
Good word. Did I get that word wrong?
Yeah. No, be real. Is that really?
It's not you got fired. It's just the whole show is done.
In our animated show, she should do a voice. We already talked about it. Okay.
You want the last one?
Jack Black sat on that.
That's a really good one.
Thank you. Do you do stand-up?
Okay. Do you go on the road ever?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a headline or a feature?
But if we had a show, hypothetically, and he goes, hey, Lisa, do you want to do 15 minutes? Could you do it? Yeah, I could do it. Okay, that'd be fun. Yeah, she could. Yeah, she could.
We did. Yeah, yeah. Jack Black. Yeah. Jack Black farts, which are magical farts.
Have you always been like this, as a kid even?
When did this blossom?
I guess it's just always been there, your comedy instinct.
Yeah, I'm part of your fucking arrogant way about things that you do. Really? Bobby.
Oh, Canada. I have to remember.
That's where you're from.
Your dreams are going to die. Your people are weak. Hey. I'm kidding.
Toronto or Vancouver?
No, where are you from?
Edmonton. We were talking about that earlier.
Yeah. Are your parents oil people? Shh. Don't bring it up. We're not allowed to.
Yeah. He sounds mean, but he's very nice. Oil monster. That is an oil monster.
Oh, I like that character. Can you make up a character on the spot? Is that how talented you are?
It's a Greek dessert. Anyway, um...
Yeah, right back to it. Yeah. So did you start there or did you start in LA?
Where'd you meet her husband?
In Edmonton. She moved out here together.
Lisa Gilroy, I find that- Sentiment to be rude. Thank you. And I'm going to tell you something you said the last time. Bobby, let's gang up on her right now. The last time you said to me, you go, I thought you were going to be crazy, but you're like super nice and sweet. It's a thing that you assume that rattles my mind.
I know, she said that about you, both of us. She said, she goes, I thought you were going to be mean. Mean, that's what it was. Yeah, yeah. We're not mean.
We're fucking nice. Yeah, you toque.
Wow, did you see that, dude? Pretty good. Yeah, we should call Pixar or something. Yeah, call Pixar. Yeah. Do you have... What? Give me a character.
Oh, I already know. That's your way of saying that he's handsome.
She has an Asian fetish.
You think she has an Asian fetish, your imaginary friend?
That's what he's doing. I thought it was tape at first.
Okay, I also want to, let's just throw this out.
The Kardashians. They only date black guys, except for the one. Which one? I don't know the name. There's one girl that doesn't date black guys. She's married to the guy, the white guy on the show.
For people that don't know, Neil Strauss wrote this book called The Game, and it was basically a way... of negging. It's the secret to negging, truly. It's like pretending you don't care, kind of insulting girls. It's negging them.
I don't really want wine. I'll just have some water as well. Are you sure there's nothing else back there?
No, no, don't leave. Fuck him up. Just beat his ass.
I got cobra'd too? You got cobra'd. The cobra.
We started drinking and we're like, we'll have a beer and then we'll leave. Then we talked to a bunch of these women. We got really fucked up. We started dancing. This woman's like, you guys got to come back to my house. I'm divorced and I have a whole house to myself. We can all party. And this woman was very, very sweet. Sweet. What does this mean?
Yeah. Butterface. Butterface. We call him Butterface. Yeah, but she was a shrimp. What part of Spain is fancy from? Southern. That's not true. Okay.
Fine. We'll take those. Yeah. Thank you so much.
I mean, honestly, just chimichurri steak. Wine. Yeah.
And water. And water. That's it. That's it.
So Dominguez... Oh, yeah, sir. And we'll just take three steaks, obviously, because we fucking can't choose anything.
I'd like medium rare if that's possible.
You can just undercook it a little bit.
No lemon for his, please. And no ice in mine, please, if you could. Did you get all that? Let me write it down. You can't memorize that? Can you repeat it back to us so we make sure you get the order right? You can't memorize that.
At his men's meeting. 40-year sober anniversary cake.
Happy New Year! We know how much you guys love Fancy B. We love him too. And so we put together a little Fancy B compilation, if you will. I mean, I did it myself. I'm the one that edited this whole thing. And that's because I wanted to show Fancy how much I really appreciated him and loved him for the new year. So enjoy, bad friends. What's your deal?
Dude, honestly. Dude. Wow. I love it. I think he was spraying shot. I think he couldn't hold it in.
No, I'd go right in the aisle like that. Really? You would? Well, yeah, the way these prices of these flights now are so absurd, the least you can do is let me shit on the floor. What? Someone what?
Well, we already did it once, unfortunately.
Give that mic to Carlos' side. I want that facing Carlos from now on. Carlos? Yeah. Yeah, face you. There we go. I can't have this guy just yab-yabbing into the mic about nothing.
Well, let's give you another chance to do this bad joke. What is it? Go ahead. Yeah, so you say what you were going to say.
Don't worry. He'll interrupt me like he always does. So, yeah, it was a Delta flight.
Now, I know you're editing this, but I want you to slowly punch in on yourself. Slowly zoom in on how dumb you look right now. Thank you.
You're the fucking whitest friend I have. You're so fucking white. But I never go in there.
Why are you so uppity and throwing darts at people? I don't know. I just feel good.
Oh my God, dude. That's a layered joke. That's so good.
Give him credit, dude. What the fuck did you call me, dude? You are the Twinkie of this show.
There's our server. Hi. Hey. Hi. Hello. Oh, so you... Oh, you do hosting and... It's a one-man shop.
Yeah, take the shot if you're going to take the shot. Take the shot. You're going to shoot a guy in the back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you do. No, you shoot him.
You know what he did, dude? He sucker punched you. Yeah, that was. He walked up to me. He looked at you. Boom, and punched you without even. Just say it, you fucking coward.
Outside of Rogan's Club, though. I don't know if you saw this. There were black Israelites. Do you know what this is, Goop? Creek, do you know what a black Israelite is? Looks like an African Jew to me. Okay. There was dozens of black Israelites yelling in the streets. They were the original Jews and they were screaming at people.
And they were wearing purple shirts, just like those shirts right there. And they were screaming at people. That's exactly what they were wearing. That's it.
Tom DeLonge is being inducted into the Poway High School Hall of Fame. Tom DeLonge of Blink-182. By the way, the thing that I was upset about was there was another woman that was inducted who... I don't think it's famous.
Well, maybe you need to do something like that. Important work.
You know, you're lucky that was funny. That was so funny. That is not okay.
I mean, dude, the timing. Let me see how you say, uh-oh, hot dog, in Spanish. Spanish style.
Well, here's the deal. Yeah. Part of the growth of a child that we've seen is that the support from the parents makes them believe that they can do something. So he's tricking his kid into thinking he has the ability to do a lot of stuff.
Chimichurri steak. That's all you've got?
Honestly, it might work to a degree until he has to take a test.
Piece of shit. Piece of shit. God, dude.
That's all they serve. Okay. Chimichurri steak. Well, do you guys want to put in a drink order or something like that? Do you want something to drink to me, I guess?
No, but it helps you hear your own sound. You don't want to fuck up your hair. It's fine.
Then throw it down or just put it wherever. Just hold it.
There is. And then what they call sweeten it. They sweeten it? They sweeten it. They put more laughs on top of the laughs.
We're going to turn off your mic any second now.
For me, gambling is I'll do it for fun. But I don't think about I'm going to win money. They're full-time gambling. Andreas, no for you, right?
This is going to be a new segment called Andres is on the ground.
I'm not convinced. I just saw Matador in my head pull a finance advice. Andreas, a finance advice. Do you need advice? Let me hear you say that. Have you heard of Richie Valens?
And you were like, maybe it's wrong. Well, was there a control to your experiment? You had to have a control. Yeah. Can Spaniards swim?
Yeah. For the record, I never had... anything other than a clear coat or a buff. But you can't buy your kid a guitar and be shocked when he becomes a rock star. You know? You're showing him the ropes. The kid's got to fly free.
That is not superstitious.
That's not fun.
You're safe. You're safe.
That's your crowd?
Okay, put the wall up.
You are a great guy.
You're like a Korean Jim Carrey. Wow.
Well, she doesn't want to be bitten.
Two weeks. That's nice.
I just imagine Korean saying it. Well, how do you say it in Korean?
I couldn't do it. So close. I'm so tired.
Well, you'd be on the road, too. Yeah, I'd be on the road. And then what would you do? Like, if you were in Cleveland and I was, like, in Denver or whatever, or vice versa, whatever you want to say. Sure. And we would be mourning because, you know, I would lose so many people. So many people. And then our cell phones still worked.
And then, well, you think in a day we would call each other or a couple of days?
I'm just thinking hypothetically, if the satellites aren't down and we could call, would you... I think within the first 12 hours, we would text each other.
And then what would we... What would you... I mean, honestly, what would you do like... Like, would the banks be working? Like, could we get money out?
And the level's like two minutes and it's the same basic level. It feels like a Candy Crush. It's one of those like puzzle-y games where, you know what I mean? You line things up.
We would meet. I would try to get to Denver.
But you said that there could be a possibility that you can be alive. There is a possibility. Why wouldn't you give them more than a week then?
Yeah, yeah. I'm a burden guy. You're 10 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a 10-year guy.
That's a lot of money, though. That's wasted.
Yeah. I don't want my family to have my money. So just put the money.
Yeah. I only play one level, and I was telling my therapist the other day, and she goes, stop. Why? Because I'm running away. You know what I mean? I'm being obsessive about something, and I do it because I don't want to feel. You know what I mean? It's like, I do a lot of things where it's like, I don't want to feel. So I just, I'll watch the same YouTube video over and over again.
You know how much money? I have 100 grand in the bank. Well, then give me the 100. No. My mom, my brother, we have the same thing, but I give everyone something. I think your mom gets all of it, and if she's not around, Steve gets all of it. No, that's not what, I have, everyone gets something. Abby gets something. Everyone gets something. Abby gets something? My manager, yeah, yeah. Why?
Who do I care? I'm going to be dead. That's my point. Robin Hood Gold. With Robin Hood Gold, you can now enjoy the VIP treatment, receiving a 3% IRA match on retirement contributions.
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But when you see like a celebrity die at 53, because I'm 53, right? You go, because I feel so young still. And you just kind of go, oh shit, it can happen at any time.
No more, let's not talk about death anymore.
They're called Asians. What are you talking about? Big head people.
That's just what they call them. Just call them Asians, dude. Is that what they just called them? Big head people? Yeah, yeah. Look at how, okay, well, how big is it? From that photo, I can't tell.
There is a, I don't know what the people are called in Korea or in Japan, but there was a type of people that were, they didn't look Asian, but they're mixed with Asians, and that's why Japanese people look the way they do. It's nicotine.
I'm not vaping weed at work. I don't know.
Whenever you've seen me vape- You're smoking weed outside of work, though.
Yeah, I know. But I'm not like... Because when I saw you in that alleyway, when I saw you in the alleyway... You did look stoned. You looked stoned, dude.
And then they were doing some sort of, like, some sexual three-way.
They're my favorite. Yeah, yeah. Great restaurants in Mexico City, I hear.
Is that the people? Juman, right? What are they called? Juman. Juman. Juman. Juman people.
So at one point, they look like a Spanish midfield soccer player. Okay. And then they mixed it with, you know what I mean, a regular age. Right. Right. And then the Japanese occurred. But at one point, they look like that.
At the end of the day, when you mix enough, they're Hawaiian. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You know who's cute? Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti's kid. There's no photo. I did see a photo. I mean, was it through a text or something? He was like really cute, like handsome almost.
Like, I miss Jordan. Do you ever miss people?
I miss- I used to hang out with him every day for so long. And then I just kind of miss him.
He's the best, dude. And he's a great guy.
Dude, I saw you. That was good. It just felt like the old days.
That was fun, yeah. It was great. That's a fun, yeah.
No, I want to, can you be completely honest with me because- You did great last night. I wasn't going to say anything.
But- I'll just get it out of the way. When I walked into the improv and I saw you in the dark, I got the vibe of you going, get away from me. Was that true?
You were sitting there on your phone. You look up at me. I look at you. And then you went back into your phone and I just left the room.
I hate that. What are you doing? In the middle of a setup, you don't stand up in the front row and leave. I have to say something. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going right now?
Yeah, yeah. There's an obvious piss break, which is when the host goes up and brings people on. That's your way out. In between comics.
In the main room, something happened where I told one joke that I knew that some people aren't going to like. And then I looked to my left and these two girls were so tuned out at me. I stopped the show and I look at them and go, oh, you guys are tuned out. And one girl did this. And this isn't even funny. I don't know what she was doing. She just goes like this. She goes.
Oh, she showed your feet. I put her feet in my face with two feet coming out. I go, what the fuck is that? And I just walked to the other side of the stage. I go, that's fucking weird. I've never seen that before in my life. What the fuck are you doing? It was almost like, fuck you. Yeah, double fuck. Double fuck with my feet.
I'm going to ask you another thing. Have you ever had this happen? You're at a club, comedy club.
There's a woman there. Yeah. Very attractive.
But there's crazy in their eyes. Oh, yeah. And so then you have to... And she was like... And I can tell that when she gave me a hug, it was like her chest into me and that she wouldn't let go.
She was going to kill you. Right. And she goes... She looks at me and she's like, what are we doing? And I go, oh no, I'm seeing somebody.
Yeah, because, Carlos, have you ever met anybody that you're like, I think it's crazy and I can't do it? Or do you do it?
I think it's 100% fail for you. Yeah, I usually do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do 60-40. Don't do 60-40.
When I see people with crazy eyes. Yeah, crazy eyes.
Yeah, yeah. But if she's hot... I know, but it's like... I understand that. It was a dilemma. You did the right thing. I think so. Because you don't want... Crazy eyes in the morning.
Yeah, yeah. When they say crazy things like, I make fresh pasta from scratch.
Your third line in. You know what I mean? I'm Candace, right?
It's some arbitrary information that shouldn't be in the third thing.
My name is Lisbon. Hey, Lisbon. I live in Burbank. Oh, great. Yeah, I know Burbank. Yeah. And you know the end of lamp fixtures? I suck on those. You do? Crazy. Crazy? I love it. All right. I have so many lamps in my house.
Yeah, I know what the West side, I know what the West side.
Yeah. What about this? When I had a girl... We were taking a shower together and she peed in the shower. Love. I love that. Pee on me. Yeah. But you know what? And I'm fine with that. Oh, but when I poo in the bathtub, it's...
Armageddon it is it should be yeah yeah it's like whoa you could do that and I can't shit when I'm taking a bath two different things they are yeah completely okay I don't know you know that yeah but um hi what hi I'm cassette like like a tape cassette I don't know what that is I'm 25
Oh, thank you, Cassette. I love you. Anyway, I got another set to do.
Every time. But when whites. Oh, what about the whites? What about the whites? What about the whites? There's so many good things to say about the whites.
Lincoln? Wayward. Oh, I know Wayward. Very specific.
That's a win. Well, third thing and then I'm in. Give me one good one.
I'm out. I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I want to say, if she looked like Margot Robbie. Hot. Right? So hot. So hot, right?
And she had crazy eyes. Yeah. Right? The floss would be fine. I think the pasta would be fine. Pasta's obviously fine. Yeah, it's fine. Dead pigeons all over the house. Taxidermied pigeons. I think dead pigeons would be fine too.
Margot Robbie. What about you? If you were not with your wife?
No. I mean, this is what happens. Because you know what Trisha Paytas said? You knock up a pigeon lady? No, but you know how there are women at Hollywood clubs that seek celebrities to get impregnated by them?
I know. But what I do is I do... Edging, and I edge and I don't cum.
Lately as of not know. You know what I mean? But, you know, what I'm saying is over the history, you guys get a bad rap.
He'll be in a spot like this big. Have you ever caught me smelling my penis? You never caught me doing that? Have you caught me doing that? Smelling it? You've caught me, George, right? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I'll do is, and it's quick. I'll just go.
So when my brother was 12 years old, he had a neighborhood, this Jewish kid that came over, and my brother had a Casio keyboard that my parents had bought him for his birthday. Yeah. And when my dad took naps, right, if you made β if a feather fell on the ground, forget it. It's the yellow Incredible Hulk.
Yeah, yeah. And what I want to say is, you know what I mean? You guys have done extraordinary humanitarian, you know what I mean, deeds. Some of us. Some of you. Schindler. We've talked about that before. What a list. That's it. Schindler and Ian Wright's coach. Mr. Pigment. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Pigment. That's it. Yeah, yeah. No. What I'm saying is when it's human, all humans have someone.
You know what I mean? So my brother was playing keyboards, right? My dad took naps naked.
So this is broad daylight on a Saturday, right? My dad walks into my brother's room completely naked, right? My dad, he takes the keyboard and smashes it on my brother's back. Keys are flying out, right? But when he turned around, my brother and his friend laughed because what did they see?
No, he turned around leaving the room. Oh, his ass? The Korean kite. My dad used to sleep with a bunch of toilet paper jammed in his butthole, and the fucking toilet paper would be sticking out. He'd look like a Korean kite, right? Shopify. If you don't have Shopify, you're sinking, dude, deep. You're sinking down.
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I'm sure there's a Korean out there like that.
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What do you think? I don't know where they are. Like a one good Korean that like helped. That's a great movie. One good Korean. Oh,
And the reason why I didn't know until now I know my age. And I have to stick toilet paper back into it.
There's a little bit of leakage sometimes. At night? Or just when you- 24-7. When you sleep. Right now, you have TP up- Well, I'm on Ozempic right now, so it clogs it up. Right. But in just regular, sometimes. Really? Yeah, so I have to like, and what I do is, I don't know if you noticed, I don't know why I'm revealing this. This is so disgusting. Give it to me. Well, I'm already giving it to you.
Well, go. Okay. This is so disgusting. I don't even know what I should say. I don't care. But it's like, if you notice, I have bottles of cologne on me. All the time. Right. In your car. And I have wet naps. Sure. Right. On the go. So this is an emergency kit. So what I do is at the LAX or whatever, right?
I spray. On the pad. On the fucking wet ones. I know. I've smelled it. Right? Then I do a thing, right? Just in case. Just in case. There's leakage, yeah. You don't have emergency things like that? Anybody in the room? Please back me up. Anybody?
Yeah, so my dad, I think I'm a Korean kite as well.
Yeah. My dad used to, I mean, dude, one time, man, my dad, my mom fucked up on rice. She fucked up rice? When Koreans fuck up rice, people get mad.
So my brother and I, my mom and dad were at the dinner table. And my dad, and you know Korean food, what's the great thing about Korean food when you're at a Korean restaurant? All the little. The little sides, yeah. So my mom did the same thing. There was like 15 little tiny, you know what I mean? Oh, I love that. It's the best, right?
And the little grill on the table, right? Snacks on the go. And then the rice was a little too dry. And once I took the bite of the rice, my mind went, oh no! Dry rice, dry rice, dry rice! My dad took the table and threw it into the ceiling and all the panchan stuck to the ceiling and it rained kimchi, right? No, I'm not kidding you, dude. And it was like, oh, my mom was running from my dad.
It was insane. Kimchi rain. So if you're Korean, don't make it perfect, the rice.
Yeah. My favorite thing of the Hungry Man meal is that little dessert section. Like the brownie or apple thing or whatever. Oh, it's the best.
My favorite was turkey and the little stuffing, gravy one with the mashed potatoes. What is that? Green peas.
Did he go back to South Korea? Then they can't find him.
And there's, I just don't do frozen pasta. Do you do that?
How do we take him out? How do we take him out? Kim Jong-il. Un. Un.
Dude, if somebody did that to me now, sober.
No, fuck you. No, because now it's not. Yeah, yeah. Idiot. If I eat a bowl of pasta you gave me, there's no way. I would know secretly that you did it.
Because there's millions of people that live there and they're in poverty. And it's like, they still believe that we're getting ready for the war with the US.
It really does work, though. I can't believe it.
Because I've been taking this girl out to BLVD. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And even me, you know what I order there? I go, give me, as my meal, I get... The three sauteed shrimp was so good.
Right? And I'll get some halibut ceviche. You're right. And that's it. And that's the only thing I'll eat.
Yeah. You won't even have a piece of steak? No. She ate a fucking tomahawk like this. No dessert? Nothing. No dessert? Nothing. I can't get anything else in.
You eat it. You're like, I'm done. I'm about to vomit. God, that's amazing. It's amazing.
And then you don't get like hunger pains at night.
Yeah, and I'll eat either, my favorite is, I love Golden Grahams. Oh, GGs. Right? I like Cinnamon Life.
This is easy. Oh, it's so easy. Captain Crunch.
Anything Fruity Pebble-y, I like. I don't like that.
That makes me mad. That right there has ruined it all for me.
I like anything pebbly. You are a pebble guy. I'm a pebble guy? Hold on. Fruit Loops. Nope. No. I don't like loops.
What I do like, I like the frosted mini wheats.
Alright, so... And I suck it like this. Right. I know you do. And I've talked about this before, I think. I don't know where. And I've had to campaign because in the late 70s, early 80s, there was one thing that was the greatest thing ever made. It was the greatest thing ever made. It's what I survived on. If I think about it today, my mouth waters.
No. In the early 80s, there was a carnation breakfast bar.
And they stopped making it. And if you go online, people still want the recipe.
Yeah, it was the greatest breakfast thing. The way it... Fell apart in your mouth.
Everything about it. I would buy 15 boxes at the fucking thing.
I think people have tried online. I've read on Reddit and stuff. People try to make it. I don't think they've, I think they've failed. There's something magical about it.
Big T. Imagine being, what would you do if you were a trillionaire?
It's just funny to me. I'm like, more shit? Wait, so does she say to you, does she say, you know, I spent $4,200 this week.
Yeah, but she doesn't have to go to you and go, hey, I spent this. No, why? Okay, that's great. What a great husband.
If there's a World War III and you and I were called in, there's a draft, and we go, we need everybody.
I buy everything. A bird. A mechanical bird, right? You charge it, right? And the cats just kind of walk by it. They don't give a fuck, dude. You gotta keep trying. Yeah, I keep trying. I bought a scratching post that looked like an Asian temple.
It's right outside my... when I left the house today, the box was there. So I'm going to assemble it when I get back. I can't wait.
What happened? No, sometimes the wife is so in debt and she's hiding it from the husband. Yeah.
But- Or what would you do if you found out that your wife put a hit on you? I've seen a couple of those too.
Yeah, I forgive you, but we got to fuck a lot.
No, I mean, no. Glory Holden. Glory Holden.
Just sucking off the soldiers before they come out. No, no, no. I'm just saying that you find, like, if we're in, like, you know.
He wants to run away by a little river. But do you have enough to survive in the mountains? Yeah, but you're like Ted Kaczynski or whatever that guy's name is.
Yeah, you would wear, I'd have a beard. You'd be like making things in the fucking shed.
So I saw one where a girl gets caught. Now she's with the cops and they confront her. They go, we know. We have it all on tape. Right? And the husband's there. Right? And then the cop opens the door. The husband's there. And she goes...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're fighting in Hong Kong, right? Yeah. And then the sergeant goes, find the glory holes. He knows where they are.
There's no way to do it. Late at night, I do think about stuff. Because you know, late at night, you have revenge fantasies.
You don't have revenge fantasies? Not really. I don't care. Me either, then. You love it. I know you do. So I lay in my bed, and that always putting on a hit in my scenarios in my head, because I go, how would I do it? Well, you go get a homeless guy. Even then it's like, no, because they're going to catch you on tape. How? Even approaching the homeless guy.
What's Bobby Lee giving a homeless guy four grand?
You do? I'm hanging out at Skid Row. Yeah. I go, that guy might go. Hey, sir, can you come here?
And then you're like, okay, that's not the guy. The Cuckoo Cuckoo dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my guy. Right. And then so where would I go? And then I would probably go to like Guam. The guy that works the sports. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like he knows somebody. Yeah, he does. I go, God, you know anybody? I'm just, you know, hypothetical. Yeah. No, dude, get the fuck away from me.
But we don't put dicks in, we put bombs in there. Oh, that's cool.
That means he does. He's like, I'll talk to you tonight. Right. I think I would call the shadiest guy now. Yeah. But after that, I'd be like, I don't know what to do.
Well, the money part, because these clubs now pay you cash.
Right. So I would just do a bunch of improv spots.
Down payment. You always say put a down payment down. Right. Until the task is done.
But he also got a silencer, and apparently that was the wrong move. Why? Oh, you don't know?
Okay, so what professional would say, right, is you make it loud so that people can hear it, and they don't run toward gun violence. They run away from it, and they duck, and they hide. Ah. Right? That's good. What? That's good. Yeah. So you use a regular, a pop, pop, pop, right? That way, right, there's no one around. Interesting. Yeah.
And the cop that I heard on the news, they said that he played too many video games. The kids today, they play so many video games, they think that's how you do it. They put a silencer and all that stuff.
That's good to know. That's good to know.
Subsonic bullets. So when you bang it, right, it doesn't have a bang?
Anyway, would you be in the same platoon as me?
Whoa. How do you know this, George? How do you know this, dude?
You're using a fucking subsonic bullet for a raccoon.
Wow. How do you write things on the bullet? Very small pen. He didn't engrave it? No, it was sharp.
And people are getting tattoos of it. It's funny.
They're getting the tattoos of that on their back.
Well, you think there's an Asian? No. What are you talking about?
Back of the head, 15 times. Right. And the one in the dick. Yeah. That one's the sweetest one. Yeah. Wow. Deny, depose, delay. There's a couple of comics I want to kiss. Who do you want to kiss?
There's always a couple of comics. There's so many comics I want to kiss. Who do you want to kiss?
I don't want to name any. No, I don't want to kiss her.
Yeah. In the vagina. What she did to me the other night was- What did she do? was she started a war with me.
No, you told me. I told you. That was pretty flagrant. It's flagrant, right? That's a little crazy. So I'm going to tell you what she did, all right? So the main room was packed. I'm bringing Annie up, right? And I have a good set, so I say goodnight. I give her a great intro. Yeah. And also I'm on a date.
So I have a friend in the audience, you know, that's watching the show. She had never seen me perform before.
I did good, right? So then I bring Annie and as I'm walking toward the back of the thing, Annie's coming out through those curtains and she has water. She does a pratfall and throws it on my body. Now I'm drenched wet. And here's- On purpose?
The room was quiet. And they're like, oh, shit. Whoa. You know what I mean? So now I'm drenched. It's silence in the room. What did you say? My fucking date is blushing. Right. And I go, what the fuck? She's like, oh, I'm so sorry. Because you saw how upset it was. And then as I went backstage, I went, what the fuck?
While she was on stage. But what do you think of that? Is that war? That seems like a war to me, dude.
She does things like that. She'll also do stuff like kick you in the stomach. Like she does weird shit. She kicks you in the stomach? Well, she'll like do some sort of, it's always like some karate thing. Oh, yeah. She'll go, oh, hi-ya, ka-ka-ka. And then she'll like kick you, you know what I mean? You're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? Oh. Annie, what are you doing?
platoons are they're like this is the no they have a mix have you seen no shut the fuck up have you ever seen Saving Private Ryan there's a mixture of different people you know what I mean of it there's the one guy that's scared like you know like the fucking in Saving Private Ryan the guy that plays the interpreter even though I don't know Chinese yeah you'd be the interpreter yeah but I'm just saying there's gotta be something that I can do I'm the Dennis Hopper character like the eccentric you know what I mean yeah amen you know what I mean war is globalization whatever I don't know
Yeah, what is she trying to start a war for you for? What is that? I don't know, dude.
She also told me, she said, well, that usually works. With you? No, my pratfall with the water.
It didn't work that time. Yeah, because I killed.
It was so... Yeah, you're drenched. I don't want to be wet. Now I'm wet. What would you have done if she did that? She would never do that to you. But if she did... She maybe would.
Yeah. And then... I'd start a food fight. And I forgot who it was, but after Annie... The comic after was mad. Why, do you think?
So they had to pause and some fucking doorman had to go up there and wash the fucking, clean the stage.
There's a couple of things she's done over the years that have been like, oh, man, that's a war, but I'm going to back off.
But the water was almost like the last thing maybe. Wow. Yeah. But I don't know. What do you think? What would you have done, Carlos?
Did she apologize for the water? No, it was an accident. I slipped. That was her way of not apologizing.
But then later she was like, she said, she didn't say, she still maintains it was a slip, but then she told me, I've done it before, like throwing water, right? So in my mind, I'm like. That's not a slip. Yeah, that's not a fucking slip, bitch. You know what I mean?
Oh, my God. You have no idea what you're saying right now, dude. You have no idea. Can we say Resolution City? You're in Resolution City? Yeah, that's right. I'm in Resolution City right now. Let's break it down. So I'm going to work on some other addictions.
Not Pahrump. He was kidding. We're not kidding. Pahrump's a no-man land.
I would open up like a 150-seat comedy club.
But they're not showcase clubs. They're a headliner club.
But they book it in way in advance. What I'm saying is that I want to do like- For locals. For locals and anyone that's in town that wants to work out. A showcase place, yeah.
He's got the room with the Luxor. Yeah, but could you, I mean, I've never been to Vegas where I'm like, I'm going to call in this way. I don't know where to go. Do you?
Yeah, but there's also a lot of, I know probably 40 comics that just live there.
So you can go, hey, guys, there's no showcase club, so just call in if you're in town, it'll just work out.
That's good. Anyway, very good. Very good. Good night. Let's just end on that note. Let's end on that note.
Can you change that? And they'd be like, you got it.
Let me say something. He was Korean. Right. When soldiers at war and they get shot, they know they're going to die. Yeah. What is the one person they call out for? God. No. No? Their mom. Mom. Mommy. Remember Giovanna Ribisi? Oh, my God. Heartbreaking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is I would call out for you.
or it's where they went 18 to 35 right now they're at you know okay i'm gonna give you a lord of the rings a lord of the rings reference all right yeah in the two towers right they gave old men and kids swords to fight right we're in dire straits so we're in a position where we're all being called in okay if they ran out of 18 to 35s are done now they need 40 and ups Yes, that's what I'm saying.
So at that point, right, I would write a letter to Congress and go, can I be in the same platoon as Carl? George, you're out.
Oh, he's a Canadian. Well, not wherever. No, he's one of those Canadians.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Mexico. You know you could see him in Mexico. And he's like, you know, wearing tie-dye. Right.
Just with a bandana. You know what I mean? Like this. And it's like, shut the fuck up, you coward. Shut the fuck up. You cower, dude. You piece of shit. Yeah, yeah.
You have crystals, and oh my God, you imagine this guy. Dude, in the 60s, dude, you were one of those guys. Patchouli boy. Yeah, patchouli boys.
Are you my therapist or a cop? Both. Okay. Okay. So officer, I have, I do some strange things that, this is not funny, it's just real.
So you know what I would get out? I'll just give you Dr. Scholl. I wouldn't get flat feet. I would claim flat face. Flat face. Dude, I would claim flat face. Could I get out, you think? Your Honor. Dude, I got flat face, guys. My friend has flat face.
Although I could like camouflage myself on a wall. Like Rambo. Dude, imagine me. Just blend in. Bricks on me, right? And I could just stay there. I would stay there for two weeks like this. With a knife, I wouldn't even do that. I would just stay there. Just stay steady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How would you camouflage?
That's what I would do, but I would do it with actual brick wall. Smart. And they would not see me.
So there's this Netflix, you know how sometimes you go to Netflix and there's mobile games you can download? Oh yeah. Okay. You're thinking, who's this for? You know what I mean? I download all of them, right? But there's this one game that I play and there's like 10,000 levels, but I only play one level a thousand times. Eight hours at a time, just sitting there on my kitchen counter.
You know what? It actually looks pretty solid, though.
We've never had like a, aside from like the British back in the day, you know what I mean? Yeah. We've never had like a country attack us. You know what I mean? I wonder what like a- 9-11. What do you mean? We had the fucking 9-11. Yeah, but not in a traditional like war where there's like troops and you know what I mean? Yeah, on our soil. On our soil. Yeah, we haven't had war on our soil.
I mean, even in LA, they're like, we've got MS-13, you know, we got people.
Hey, bro, what the fuck, dude? You're Palestinian, whatever the, you know.
Hey, Palestinian, bro. Yeah, yeah. Or whoever am I. What kind of Chinese are you, bro? You know what I mean? Dude, I'm me. I'm from Ralph. I'm from here. Okay, good. Move over, man.
Well, if you're fighting, if we were in a war with Mexico, we don't get the MS-13. We're never going to be in a war with Mexico. Yeah, we'll destroy.
But if you were in a war with Russia, I think that most of the gangs in America would be on our side.
What a weird, in LA, imagine if we were like Red Dawn and we were attacked by, oh my God, it'd be insane.
I would be so scared. Would you be scared?
Yeah, bombs could roll. You won't kill them.
Yeah, you do. A Carlos shadow. Yeah, a Carlos shadow. It's interesting.
Yeah. Wow, that would be, I mean, that would be the way to, you know what I mean, destroy a bomb.
Let's hope it doesn't happen. Or I'm on the road.
Yeah, I've always imagined that, like if I was on the road and I was like, LA's taken out.
It would be terrible. I mean, imagine, dude.
Who would you worry about? You're on the road.
Yeah. Andrika. We're cursing the show, the movie.
Yeah, he murdered so many people, Japanese, Chinese, and Koreans. Wow. But mostly North Koreans. Wow. And I keep going, don't go to the North. Don't Yeah, yeah. And he will. And Gene is my, well, they think he's my assistant, but there's some, you know what I mean, other privileges I get. You get to have sex with him? That's not what I said. Well, that's what you said.
I feel bad, though. No, you're giving them a lot of publicity.
Oh, sick. It's kind of like Salino and Barnes. Oh, let's do that one, too.
wow you know honestly this is real you know what's so fucked don't you feel it's real I know it's real in my heart I know it's real it's like a weird thing it is it's like finding gizmo in that china shop it's real it's real it's very real you don't think it is but it is well you're gonna go down I'm gonna get like a lamp right or I'm gonna get like an antique you know what I mean jewelry box jewelry box right
But then there's a little mogwai there. And all those little rules. I don't know what to remember. What is it? Don't jerk it off? No, that wasn't a rule. I thought that was one of the rules. Don't feed him after a binda. Oh, those are my rules. When you find me. Don't jerk it off. Wait, go up.
They multiply. Yeah, but isn't their own saliva something that's... How do they clean themselves? They have to be like cats. You know what I mean? No, no, no.
Okay, I don't know an animal like that. What do you mean? With fur...
Well, look. I mean, look at the difference. Like, hey, steal those speakers from that car. Right? Yeah. And they go to it, right? Amago would be like, what? Grab that guy's phone. Grab his phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you got it.
You know it. Yeah. Up the tariffs. Up the tariffs. Yeah, gremlins would do it. The gremlins would do it. Up the tariffs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. So then feed them at the midnight. Well, they must get like hunger pains at night.
In ancient Korean tradition, we don't talk about stuff like that. But yeah, sex. Yeah. So I got you a new wand. Here's a new one. Here you go, dude. It's a new elven wand that they have. Oh, look. Yeah, yeah. Look at this. It's a butt plug. Yeah, yeah. Stick your butthole right in there. Dude, come here, Carlos. You have a standard, just a wand. Still does magic. Yeah, but barely.
Dude, would you rather have a Mogwai or a Gremlin in a mosh pit? Come on, it's not even close. It's not even a question. It's Gremlin all fucking day.
That's Mark. No, that's Rick Ingram. Shopify. Oh, my Lord. Shopify. You know, we have an online business. We would not have one without Shopify. That's exactly. Nobody does it better than Shopify. And it's the home of the number one checkout on the planet.
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Now you're addicted to the Renaissance Faire. Now you're going to go every weekend. I really like it because I think that it... It just makes me feel at home in a weird way.
It's unbelievable. No, we were getting so many compliments because no one dresses like that. What do you mean? Every photo, people dress up. You mean in this traditional garb? But not in this traditional Korean garb. Right. We probably could be the first.
Yeah, yeah. Why don't you get a Korean girl? Oh, so Morpheus glasses? I know. What do you think? Yeah, you don't put Morpheus glasses in there.
Good God. I know. Put something on those. But she also acts like she's a star already. Do you see? Yeah. Yeah. She's got that vibe. Like those glasses, like, I hope it's for Bill Burr now. Right? Ronnie Chang. Look at that. She does. She's killing it. Ronnie Chang and Jimmy O. Yang. Yeah, she's killing it. Yeah, but she's very funny. Look at that nose, though. Oh, my God.
You know, you can now tell how old I am. Just now? Yeah.
People go, you're taller than I imagined. Yeah. What, do you think I was a dwarf? Like, what's going on here? Did you think I was Brad Williams? Yeah. Wow.
Yeah. Let's go back to the Gremlins. Wow. What a great 80s movie.
That's the movie that I have for you guys.
I'm too old for this shit. Is that what he's saying? Yeah.
It makes dicks get hard. Are these handmade? Yes. Wow. Yeah, by Incel. In the Midwest. Anyway, here you go. I get a wand this time. You get a wand this time. Yeah, yeah. I get a wand. You get a wand. This time. You get a Spanish wand.
You really want to make me angry right now, dude?
Okay. Right? Yeah. So these two. Just the idea that he's, you know what I mean, a different color should be a sign.
Because at the Renaissance Fair, we ran into a girl that has a kid, and I'm friends with her. And I bought the kid a wand, but it looks like a lightsaber. So the kid would go, like that. He was loving it. And he hit me in the leg, and I went, ow, ow. And I fell to the ground, and he laughed. So he did it for four hours straight. And then I had to constantly go, ow, ow, ow. You know what I mean?
I wanted to disappoint the kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was crazy. So what? New love on that? No, no, no. It's no love. It's a friend. But another thing is that you see the stress of it.
Yeah, yeah. Where you going, where you going, where you going?
Yeah. And figure it out. I was kidnapped three times. Yeah, they didn't care. Molested all three times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By Downs Patrol. Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo. You're on fire today, dude. Shut up. Yeah. Keep that in. Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo. All right? That one's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to keep that in. That's so funny. But yeah, it's a big responsibility.
But I said in the car, I go... Because there's a lot of predictions that AI is moving so fast that in the next three or four years, there might be nuclear weapons being released. You know what I mean?
Speed it up. Let's get this shit over with. So what I was saying is that having a child would be great because if a nuclear bomb you knew was going to hit and you had your kid, you want to be strong for him and hold him and go, I got you, buddy. Right? But if I didn't have a kid, I'd be like, what the fuck? What the fuck is going on? I would freak the fuck out. The real you comes out. No, I'm both.
You are. Oh, so if a nuclear bomb was coming and you were all alone. Sipping coffee. Yeah. You're going to be cool.
You're dead. You know what's going to happen? Yeah. You're going to fucking die. Eventually, too. I'd rather die now than later. Slow death sucks. You know what I mean? You're just walking on the street, and plop, your arm's gone. And you're like, what the fuck happened? What happened, you know?
Here's a Spanish wand. Give it to me. Let me see it. And this one will be mine. And I'm going to say something to you. I have a wand. Here. Okay. So let's play a little dark magic. I learned about dark magic. And today, ladies and gentlemen, when you're listening, all right, today's dark magic is about revenge. Today's dark magic is about betrayal.
Now, would you get nuclear radiation for country? Meaning that...
Yeah, you will. Yeah. Yeah. So it's one of my shows I always go to just to watch over and over again when I have nothing to do. What show? It's Chernobyl on 8 Max. Very good. Right? And so, you know, they would go, because there was one scene where they had to get these water valves released and they can only send three men down there, but the men were going to die.
They knew they were going to die. Yeah, they knew they were going to die. When you go down there, you'll be dead in a week. and three guys volunteered, I'll do it for country. Would you? For country? Yeah. Fuck no.
Yes. No, you wouldn't. You already showed your cards, dude. Well... This is what would happen. I'd stand up, right? He wouldn't stand up. I'd sit back down. Right? I'd be like... That fast. And they go, Mr. Lee, did you? And you're like, no, no, no. I just went and stretched my back real fast. Yeah, so there was a lot of those kind of scenes.
Stamp it. Because in that particular scenario, if the molten lava seeped into water tanks, it would cause an explosion that was going to make Ukraine, I think half of Poland, and some other country completely inhabitable for 100 years. We wouldn't be having these problems now. What do you mean by that? That shit would reach Spain before us, fucker. You would have died a long time ago.
i don't know moscow no it wasn't moscow it i think chernobyl is more close to ukraine oh then then spain for sure yeah yeah yeah so what i'm saying to you is is that it's gonna it's gonna make 80 million people die immediately so would you make that sacrifice for 80 million people well there's 360 million people in america
Where's McCone? He's not here. Where's McCone? Anyway.
Yes, you may. Okay, so listen. Hold on, I talk slow.
Wait. What? You may continue, my fellow townsman. Downsman? Doy, doy. Doy, doy. Doy, doy. So listen. Yes.
50? 100 rubles. 100 rubles? Yes. Sounds like every time I repeat what you say, you go up. Did I say a thousand? A thousand rubles?
All the rubles that your family can eat. That we can eat? Yes. You must eat them because you're going to have cancer. Okay.
And we have to use our wands to destroy these evil people. Look at me right there. Doing a seance.
That's a great joke. That's a good joke.
Don't play. But so some of these men had wives and children. These are stronger men than we. And I'll admit that. People go to the military. Your wife and your child.
What? What? I wouldn't do it. So your children will die? I don't give a shit. I'll be dead too. We'll all be dead in heaven together. But if you go in, they will not die.
Ah. Thank you. Would you like a position in the government? Oh. I like your thinking. Yeah. Yeah, okay. How many rubles is that?
I don't know. Okay. I don't know where that went. What's that old Russian saying? In Russia... If you hit me with a feather, I'll hit you back with a tank. Is that right? Yes. Jesus Christ. That's fucking brutal. I was just playing with my chicken. I'm sorry. Live a century, learn a century.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. The eyes are afraid, the hands do. Yeah. I like wolf analogies here. Give me the wolf one.
Yeah, yeah. And it was so uncomfortable. You have to constantly balance it. Can I see the girl who's seancing you? There she is.
No shit. Brother, this is all- I wish my waiting job ran into the forest.
Yeah, you know what's also funny about him is that when I saw him at the comedy store... I fucking love Yakov, by the way. Yeah, the only thing that I remember from his act from years ago was, what a country. What a country. So I rewatched his Rodney Dangerfield. Oh, yeah. He's got great jokes.
Yeah. He still does. He's a good joke writer.
Barb was great. She is. I had no idea what she was talking about, but it was great.
Yeah. One cacti. One cacti. You know what, dude? One Kakatai. Don't do that.
yeah you know i'm so glad you got sick on that plane i think it's sick i lost my voice last night no no no when you passed out with um oh and machine gun kelly yeah because i saw machine gun friday did you go to his house no i went to his he just showed up at the store he invited us to a party he did yeah and he hugged me as if we were like vietnam vets he's the fucking best
In my mind, I'm like, I'm so glad Andrew almost died. Just for that relationship to flourish. Thank you. It was incredible.
Wow. The dealer. Yeah, the dealer said Bobby Mom?
Yakov called you Santana. Santana, yeah. Santana. He didn't say your first name. He goes, well, Santana told me. You know what I mean? And I'm like, that's not his name. I am good at guitar. Okay. So people are saying that Vegas is kind of dead. Is it true or no?
Yeah. You know? Talk about dilapidated.
Back from Japan. Dax, do you need headphones or you don't use them? He never likes them. Yeah, I don't like to use them. How was our little... Yeah, take your clothes off. Get loose, dude.
Well, no, because I've seen a bunch of them. What did you think of them?
You didn't see Return of the King? On the way back, I watched it.
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That's code badfriends50off at factormeals.com slash badfriends50off for 50% off plus free shipping. Well, I'm an investigative journalist, so. Did you sleep on the flight?
We think Africa. Yeah. Can we send you to Yemen? Libya. Do you want to go to Libya? Yeah.
I'll tell you, because when we went to the store, there were clogs, and there's no way. You're not rocking clogs all day. Yeah, we're not going to rock clogs. It's insane. Yeah, yeah. So I'm going to do my golden goose. They had golden gooses back then. Did they really? Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. So back to the dark magic, okay?
What is it called? I don't know how to pronounce that. I can't read that.
I know. He might have just said it. What about, would you go to Chad? That sounds like a white guy. What's up, dude? I'm in fucking Africa, dude. Next time, go to Steve, too.
Yes. With those ladies. Yeah, those are my cousins. How about this? What about that?
You know who he would have fun in is... That's not about having fun. Okay. No, where? I'm kidding. Like a gulag or something? El Salvador. No, El Salvador is awesome. No, but the gulag that they're having.
Oh, you don't play Warzone? No. Okay. I've heard the word. It's a harsh prison.
Even if you hit the middle of the Pacific Ocean, we're dropping them off there. Yeah, we have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me something light.
That right there. What is that? Zoom in. Zoom in. What's that called?
Jesus Maria. That's where you're going.
Whoa. That's Jesus Maria. That's it. That actually looks awesome. That's the best pizza. But here's the deal.
Whoa. That'll be you eating it. An albino hamburger.
So I don't know if you all know that I did a short film called... Death and Robin, right? Boo. No, yay. Yay. For that short film. Right. Okay. It was good. So I'll tell you something. So I'm at the Renaissance Fair, right? Do, do, do. Right? Do, do, do. Andrea Jin goes, because she's dating a writer. Ooh. Right?
Now, let me ask you some personal questions. Were there women looking at you there? Did you get any vibes from people?
Oh, that's weird. That's weird. Yeah. But do you masturbate to her? Oh, boy.
Why can't I ask that? Well, because Dax is our buddy. You don't think I've masturbated to his wife? Come on.
He's way more famous. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have a lot of fans in Spain?
I know some girl that really loves you.
So then, you know, he was offered something, or a production company asked him for, like, a production coordinator for something. And he goes, for what? He goes, Death and Robin, the movie. So I got all excited. I'm like, yeah. I call my agents and I go, hey. Oi, hi, Bobby. How are you? Yeah, yeah. Hi, Juby Liebowitz. Yes, great to talk to you today. You're the best agent in the world.
Oh, okay. That's right. His logic is good. Yeah, it's very good logic.
Oh, Shinjuku. Let's go with the first picture.
Wait, Andrew, there's horse sushi there? We got to go to Japan. I know.
I think that's what it was. Let me ask you something. Were there other options?
Honestly, be real, dude. Would you eat that, Andrew? Would I what? Eat that. That woman? No.
pineapple that's on there i would eat i would eat the the old pineapple and the olives those olives are beans i know what they are but i would eat everything around dude why don't fry a fucking one of those one that are smiling guinea pig when it's laughing dude he's literally laughing he told it a joke and then put it in the fryer yeah yeah okay so yeah you didn't eat a horse you pussed out there yeah and then you went to bed you went to bed
I'm so sorry. Sometimes when you're in LA, there's a certain sound that wakes you up. Are there any unusual things that happen? Like something like a bong. Yeah, do they wake everybody up at the same time?
Yeah, something like that. Time to wake up. Time to wake up. Okay, nothing? A guy being stabbed by a sword? Like... Okay.
At all. He can only live in the plains. So what's the difference about this forest and a normal American forest, for instance? What did you like about this?
Oh, that's cool, dude. That is very cool.
Wait, wait. Let's go back to the underwear. Did you smell it? No. Look at me in my eyes. Theodore.
um i guess you have it with you yes yeah let me see yeah will you smell it andrew have you opened it since you brought it here no i have my sense of smell i have mine too yeah but it was really hard to buy it because i was just by myself oh you can smell they had whole air holes you can smell oh that's all the smells gone now no you can actually smell it can i smell Akiko. No.
I'm on the phone with my number one client. All right, so I'm not... Okay. So, Juby, did I get the movie? Yes, you got a movie. Yes. You got a movie. Death and Ramen.
You know what I thought you were going to say? This is Akiko. That's Akiko? Akiko. Oh, yeah. So they're used.
Pretty good business. Yeah, it's really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It's crazy. And his grandma makes 5% of that. All right, let's see the next one. We don't know the age, what that woman looks like. No clue. Yeah, let's move on. No clue.
Oh, that's cool. Did you buy any of those? No. Okay.
You really kind of went far and beyond. It does, but... It does look like Squidward, dude. It undeniably does. I know what we asked for, but...
That's what I mean. But did you go to a nightclub, get your moves on? No, no. Wow. Okay. What did you do?
Oh, so it was a Japanese guy that recognized you from the internet? How did he come up?
I just want to get. Dax. Dax. Frame. Frame. Nice to meet you. That's all he said. How did you know that he was a fan? Big fan. Oh, he said that. He's just pointing at a fan.
Oh, he does? Oh. Sho, we love you, dog. We love you, Sho. Yeah. Okay. Good sushi? Yes. Okay, good. How much did he spend on you?
the women pop group zoom in they're so beautiful Dax they're very beautiful yeah and so we made a video where we were going to make a pizza driver it was very funny were they nice? did they speak English?
Or I'm a general. Right? My name is Vladimir. Right? True normal. It's on fire. Okay? For country. You must have sexual intercourse with one of these ladies. Which one would you want? For country. Remember, this is for country. Thank you. Thank you, Dimitri.
Really? Yes. Oh, I heard Death and Ramen got Sebastian Maniscalco, so I get the Life and Fettuccine. You got Life and Fettuccine? Yeah, and he got Death and Ramen. Can we switch? Unfortunately not. Unfortunately not. He's better for death and ramen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't the guy that was cast, by the way.
You must do it for country for country your pick
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, how about this? We'll bleep out the color of the dress that she's wearing.
Yeah. We will. We will. Interesting. Bloop. Bloop. Bloop. When I say. I do that one too.
Do you? Dax, we have her here. There she is. Come on out. Hey. There she is.
Good to see you. Yeah. So, Dex, what are you going to do with this one? It's for country.
Dex, look at me, right? Dex, for country.
Very good. Very good. Very good. But we are not going to use your penis.
Wow, that's great. Anyway. Five. You met with them. Five V-E.
Yeah, yeah. I see it now for sure. Did you have any experiences that you didn't have in L.A., in Japan?
Yeah, yeah. So I called my agent. He goes, no, they recast you.
Bro. You had a crush and you left. Like in the mood for love. No, it's not that. Because that girl knew about the love. What my point is is that this is what you have to do from now on. You have one life to live.
And I go, why? And what do they say when you don't get something? We went a different direction. I fucking hate that.
Anyway, so you got to take risks. Yeah.
You know what? Let's contact the spell lady. Oh, Andrika. Andrika. Let's go back to Andrika. We'll spend another $30. I'm telling you, be real. Spend another $30 for Dax.
I think the blood, whatever the blood is.
Why? You're going to like it more. Why do you like your skin?
That's the right answer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same, doggy.
Let's be more specific. No, no. Cast it two hours later. Okay, yeah. Cast it again. At the cart.
I don't know. But, okay, I didn't even get a call. And then when my agents called them, they said, yeah, we're going in a different direction.
a love spell can you do a love I'll pay extra I swear I got the money in the car you owe him like a hundred dollars it doesn't matter do another love for me oh a love one for you yeah but do it for real I am get the same category that he has alright what else is there I'm so sorry it's so funny that you I know you really believe it now I know I do believe it because the way you just did that you were very cool yeah yeah let me read hold on he just went well no sit in your fucking seat I can't read do a forever love
That'd be great. That'd be crazy. The Filipino one. I'm strongly...
Right? And so, you know, it ruined my renaissance period.
I know. You know, I saw a funny meme the other day. It was just so funny. Can I show you this meme?
Whoa, so you didn't tell me what you did the last couple of days.
We got gifts? Oh, my God. May we see? May we see?
It's a thought I made. Well, no. It's actually the gift that counts. It's the gift that counts.
Yeah, he wants those. Is this for me? Yeah. So where's mine? Wait, you got me two plain shirts from Japan? It has nothing on them. There's no symbol. There's no. They're from like a popular Japanese store. It doesn't fucking matter, dude. You got me two. Do you know where they're from? What? Uniqlo. We have those here. I know. We have those here.
Yeah. Look at that face. My question to her was. Who got cast in Death and Ramen? Did I really not get Death and Ramen? Right. And every card was a death card. Right, right. And some guy being hung or slain. You know what I mean? Wow. So everybody, I normally don't do this, but I think it's war. I think it is. I think it is. And I would do the same for you.
It's in large? I can't wear it. Listen, when we send you to the Congo, where are we to send you? Spain. Whatever. I don't think Spain now. But wherever we send you, get me a medium shirt specific to the area that you're in.
Or go to like a Hooters or whatever and get Hooters Singapore.
I can do that too. Okay. Okay, that's not what I want. I want the thought that counts.
And you didn't think that through at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go through those coins. Go ahead.
It's fine. It's fine. But anyway, look into the camera and say, thank you for being a bad friend.
On the side. Okay. Are you making fun of my brethren and my sisterhood? Your breaths?
And none only than our lovable, beloved Gene Hong. Gene Hong. Wow. Wow. And look at, we did Korean hangbok. It's called hangbok? That's the clothing. And we were a hit at the Renaissance Faire. You guys were a big hit. I mean, people would bow to us. Wow. I made everyone do accents. Really? Yeah, yeah. Our boat crashed, and we don't know where we are.
Saturday, Lisa Gilroy went. I saw that. Yeah. Why don't you go?
I spent a couple grand on those. Yeah, I don't want to do that. Yeah, but that's life. I'm going to use it again. When? When I develop my time machine. And I actually go to 16th century Korea. Where do they buy these clothes? We went to Koreatown and we went to a hanbok place. What's hanbok? Hanbok. Hanbok. It's the type of clothing. And then I rented all those.
I know. Andrea's Chinese. She's Chinese. I know. And she asked, can I wear a Chinese one? We said, no.
Yeah, yeah. You're doing Korean. How dare you? Yeah. But look at... He looks dumb. Yeah. He does look dumb. I love dumbfounded. Let's talk about dumbfounded for a second, if I may. You guys are all wearing mics. You film this. Yeah, we're wearing mics.
Patreon or something? No, just for pleasure, for experiences. Love it. So dumb, we're going through every Asian girl that's there. He had sex with. Really? Yeah, yeah. He's so good. You mean that wench over there? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Pumped her. Yeah. The food's not great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like a computer. Dude, that face is like he caught his wife cheating.
Look at my face, though. What am I doing? You're going, yeah, fucker. No. What's that face?
That's what it is. You're thinking about it. That's the face. Right. So what is that?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll have to do that for sure.
Jesus Christ. I'll give you the $30. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Give him $50. $30 for a spell. Work on the spell. We'll talk about other things, but work on the spell. You know, we're going to need things. You didn't know his birthday? Yeah, why did you Google my birthday?
No, that's not a word. That's not it. You ever seen Harry Potter? Carlos. Oventus Magico or whatever. You're going to do something like that.
Your dog's going to get sick. AIDS. Eventually. Dog AIDS. Dog AIDS. Eventually.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, your hair's gone. I did that. Whoa. That's a part of my fucking cat. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Why'd you lose your voice? I was singing last night. Oh, when you sing, you get this way.
I bet you he knows La La La Bamba. That's what we sung. Yeah, exactly. Because when he goes, it's so good.
How do you sing? La cucaracha. Oh, la cucaracha.
Yeah, she's blind and deaf. Wow. Yeah, and she has no idea what's going on. right? The other one is- You look wealthy, by the way. Yeah, we're very wealthy. Yeah. So then Dumbfounded plays a man who has many murders in Korea.
Shut up. La la la pamba. We do it the white way. Yeah.
La la la cucaracha. They're all the same song. My favorite Richard Vallance is Donna.
People liked it. No, no, there's no Bronco? Let me try to finish. Start one of those songs. Let me try to finish it here. Me and Jack Daniels got a history. Pretty good. Give me another shot. That was smooth. Make up one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hanging around downtown by myself on Easter Island with the statues and the gifts are with my mind. Wow. That's actually better than the original. Pretty good. Can you name the song I sang? Yeah. Hanging around downtown by myself. What's the song called? That's not what it's called? Do you not know what it is? Do you know? Sex and Camp. Yes. Oh, Sex and Camp. Marcy Playground.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of my favorites. Oh, let me sing a song. I don't know any lyrics. That's the only problem. Do I know any lyrics here? Hey, Jude.
So you didn't know. No. But they were all locked up and linked up. You do Sherlock Holmes investigating before you even get into that situation.
I was back at the home. Do you have a... Are you seeing anybody? Mm-hmm. Did they... You asked that?
You gotta ask that. I turned around. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, yeah. Are you in a relationship right now? No.
It reminds me of that one girl that flew me to that one city, right? Just to take a fucking... A photo. That happened. I don't want to get into it, but that happened. That's crazy. Just to say hi. Just to say hi. That's it? Yeah, and they had no other interest.
It's ours is very, it's about two people that they know they can't link up. So they never do, but there's such love there because they're married or something.
Yeah. I would like to, you know, call out the elephant in the room, actually. What's up, dude? The resentment. What's going on?
Yeah. You know, when you do. I don't think I know human behavior. Yeah. He comes out in other ways. There's really a resentment. He loaded up. Yeah. You load it up. So what's up, dude? I love you, dude. Let's what? Get it out on the table. I don't care, dude. I'm good.
I should know better. Oh, so it's based on you care. Live experience. Okay.
They're both married. Right. Right. And it's like, what do they work together? No, they just, they're neighbors. Oh my God. That's an angel. And their, and their couples are, are cheating. And they went to Japan. They took a trip to Japan. And so now these two are in this complex living next to each other. And they reenact how their spouses got together. So they would...
In your head. All right. So last thing, I don't want to talk about this anymore, but I just want to say that, um,
But I'm literally okay. I know you are. With being where I'm at. I really am. I'm pretty content, man. I know you are. Yeah, so I watch movies and I go, oh, I relate to those themes. And I think I've always been like a dreamer.
Let's make a bet. When do you think it's going to come? You guys want to take a bet? Time-wise? Yeah. In a year? Well, yeah, within a year. I feel like fans, you don't think it's coming, right? Be honest.
Oh, interesting. Interesting take. Interesting take. Kid?
Yeah, I'm done. It was right there.
Yeah, I'm a fat fuck. I can't make anyone proud. That's what you're saying.
Yeah. You really put... You know what? I was feeling pretty good about myself until now. I was boosting you up. I know, but this guy really... You really... Don't listen to him. His opinion doesn't mean shit to you. You really hurt my feelings, though. Apologize. No, I don't... That, I don't even... It's not going to help. I've had enough of it. Every episode. It's a slam about my weight.
It's a slam about how I can't satisfy women. You do a dick-sized joke last episode. You want him gone? I don't want him gone. Maybe I like the pain. It's about all that whole mysteries thing. The shorting. Yeah, yeah. It's because... You slam me. You both slam me, slam me, slam me. But, you know, one day the dragon will awaken. And you know what happens when the dragon gets awoken? Breathes fire.
God damn, you know about mythological entities. You know who's going to get lit up. What? Exactly, dude. That booth is gone. Like smog. Yeah. That's Mount Doom right there, and I'm smog. Another Lord of the Rings reference. In your face. So my point is this. No, honestly. It was The Hobbit, yes. It was The Hobbit, yeah. Very good. I love the direction. But what I want to say- The Hobbit. Yeah.
The Hobbit. You know, but can I say something? I'm going to say it anyway. Why do I keep saying that? I always say, this is the thing, or can I say all that stuff, right? I'm going to try to get rid of all that stuff. The two-year purse is your purse? I know, but I catch myself doing it.
Thank you. But a day will come and this is not... I'm not making a joke out of it because I know myself. Yeah. It's just gonna... I'm gonna go into a red zone. Snap. Yeah, I'll snap like my dad used to. And over the years, I've tempered You know, I've like, you know, I've been very mindful about my, because I don't want to be like my dad.
So like, I, you know, I see these little, you know what I mean? Triggers and stuff. And I try to like maintain it. Like, don't be like your dad. Because once my dad got in a red zone, he, you know, he beat my mama. He beat all of us up. It was fucking terrible. Right. And I know that I have that in me. Right. Once I hit a red zone, dude. Look out. Look out. Look out, dude.
So you can poke me all you want, okay? But when I get there, dude, look out. You're not going to like it. Okay?
go through the dialogue and scenarios and stuff right there. And then through the process, they fall in love, but at the end they don't link up. And it's like, it's so sweet. It's like, I have fantasies of like your pink butthole, right? And my penis, right? And it's vibrating. Yeah, like shivering. And mine's shivering, right? But it doesn't enter.
I was in Wisconsin, I saw it, and I was like, I'm going to break a neck. Can I make an argument against that, though, a little bit? Pissing on my door? Yeah, I want to be side with the guy. Side with the guy? Why are you siding with the guy whose dog pisses on my house?
Okay. What? It's the same thing as the coaster thing.
Don't have a drink on my table. I know, but you're... Oh, hey, you gotta put the coaster on, right? Like that, right? What does that have to do with the dog pissing on my door? No, just watch. Hey, don't walk on that carpet. You know what I mean? Oh, you can't smoke in the back. I saw it. I was there. Don't smoke in the back. Don't smoke near the kids. It goes down to don't piss on the fence.
It's all a part of the same... I've never said that to him because that's just a thing we know. You don't let your dog piss on someone's door. But it's a part of the same thing that you have. Anxiety? Yes. Get rid of that. Can't. Yeah. Deal with that because you have issues. Thinking about having to fly back here to do this show with you. I do have issues. So do you. Yeah.
Hey, guy, don't worry about it. Keep pissing on the fence. Yeah. Dude, it's your own issue, dude. You got to grow, dude, like I'm growing. I'm going to piss right on you right now. Piss in my mouth. I don't give a fuck. Oh, you'd like that. All right. So, dude, guy, whatever the neighborhood. Shit on his lawn. I don't care if he shits on my lawn. Piss on, whatever, do it. Piss on my lawn.
Okay, let me give you an example. I walk into my house, right? And there's a man there. It doesn't matter what he looks like, does it? In this scenario. I could tell you what I think he looked like.
Yeah. Big head. Huge. Long though. Very long. I can see it balding like Carlos.
Patchy on the side. Yeah, patchy. Right. Bags under the eyes.
Yeah. Yeah. I could envision a medical tag.
Dude, that's... I see it. Do you see it now? Yes. A medical tag. Yep. Right? And then, you know what I mean? Mommy tattoo? Mom. Mom, but with a cross. Cross through it. Right? She's dead to me. Yeah, yeah.
Exactly. Yeah. Right? And then there's a God bless JD. God bless JD. Not JD Vance. Who is it?
God bless Jeffrey Dahmer. God bless Jeffrey Dahmer. Right. He has a speech impediment.
It just comes out, right? Yeah. There's no stutter with that, right? And then, right? What does he have in his hands? What does he have in his hands, guys? Oh, in each of his hands?
The maggot? The maggot. Is that what you call your penis? A maggot? It's sucked in, but I don't. Can't be. You and I have the same thing, dude. It's forbidden love. We're both pluses. I'm a minus. You know what? How did I think about it? I'm a minus. You're a minus too. I'm a minus too. No, you're a minus too.
Are you being recognized? Are you recognized there?
Oh, the sand one, right? Sand one. So I don't own one of those. That's his. He brings it with him everywhere he goes. Wow. Other hand. It calms me down. Right, right. Right hand, right hand. Right, what is it? You tell me. Oh, I know what it is. I can see it. Yeah, yeah. Can you see it? Yeah. Look at that. Okay, what do I see, dude? I see scales. I know what it is. I know what it is. What?
It's a crocodile hand. A croc hand? He killed a crocodile in Mississippi in 1987 with his uncle Joey, right? Oh, wow. A baby crocodile. Oh, a baby. Yeah, and he just like tore it apart, right? And then he took the skin and he made this glove. He's had it at the club for years. Whoa. It's like there's got like a little jacket like a Freddy Cougar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's just kind of doing this with the Benoit balls like this. And he growls like a croc. Now, if I'm not walking out of the house by now, what am I doing? You're interested in what he's up to.
Then he goes, could I give you a hug? Could I give you a hug? That's not violent, right? No. Right, and I go, no. Would you say the yes or no? Can I give you a hug?
Oh, that's right. I sent him to your house. Oh, you sent him to my house?
Why do you do that? I'm just kidding. I love when you do that. Okay, let's move on, but I love when you do that. Why do you do that? It's just silly.
Anyway. All right, dude. But if you sent him to my house, you wouldn't have called me and go, dude, I sent a guy to your house? I would send McCone to film it.
Oh, so you're there. Well, this guy has something for the internet. You know what, dude? I think what I would do in that scenario is I would just shoot him. Shoot him. And just let the fucking law take care of it.
I have like a bunch of swords at home.
Here's the interesting part of the movie. You never see their couples. You always see the backside of their back or their voice. You never see them because it makes the audience not have any sympathy for them. And so you're only focused on these two. And then like six years later, there's one scene where this dude goes, what are you laughing? Because that's gotta be something funny coming up.
Oh yeah, with a sword, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I practice. What do you practice? No, I go on my fucking balcony and I practice. You swing it around. I do scenarios like this. Come around here. You know what I mean? I do the whole fucking thing, dude. Yeah, he'd be dead. Really? Yeah, I have like katanas and stuff. Wow. Yeah. How many do you have? Three.
Well, they're not like made by a sensei, but I've got them in Chinatown. So they're made... Probably made by... They're pretty sharp. Probably made in China. Yeah, they're sharp. I mean, they're not the ones that they used to... Like Ronin or Samurai used to use back in the day. Those are like real...
Can we go in the middle there? I mean, what the fuck? From $5 to $100 million? You want a Tachi or not? I know. I want a Tachi, but there's no way I can get one.
Or any Bad Friends fans that are into metal work. If you can make one for us. If you can make a really good samurai sword, we'll promote it.
We'll hang it. No, I'm going to hang it in my house.
We'll dupe it. Because we know there's got to be a guy out there that knows how to do metal. Guarantee. I guarantee it. Like a real authentic Japanese samurai sword. I like the engraving into the steel. Yeah, they stamp it. Like a symbol. Yes. You know what I mean?
I'll be the samurai. You'll be the samurai.
No, no, forget it. No, no, I'm teasing. No, you're right. It's a comedy podcast and this is not a film analysis podcast. Wait. So I won't say it. I get it. I'm joking. I don't think you are. Please. I think I'm meandering. I like the meandering. Okay, I'll tell you that. I meandered about Michigan. We can cut it out. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what it is. No, I meandered about football.
Why can't be buried alive be a part of the equation?
You would die, but the 24 hours of panic though.
Or I could do Uma Thurman. And punch through. Oh, wow. But you'd fall asleep. I feel like we've talked about this before. Like, how would we want to die? Have we? I don't know. That's like basic 101 podcast, you know what I mean? Scenario, really. Like, how would you want to die?
You don't care about that. I know, I listened to that whole Michigan, Michigan. It was like five seconds. I don't know, I didn't like it. All right. You know what I mean? I don't like that. What was that? What was that? Him on the shoulder, drinking, drinking. Let's go. Jealousy? Not jealousy.
She kind of looks like one. An AD? Yeah. No, like an assistant director or a producer. That's what an AD is.
Okay, so let's do a scene. Andrew and I are in a movie you're producing, right? We do a scene. Well, she's not going to be a director, so she's not going to direct. I know, but she's going to talk shit about me because I'm a bad actor, right?
Yeah, so we're going to do a scene. Yeah. And then I'm going to walk away like, all right, I'm wrapped, right? And then she's going to talk shit about me. To me? Yeah, to you. Okay. Because you're the other actor. Yeah.
Adios, my friend. Cut. All right, I'm going to go get some coffee. Please. All right, see you later. Good seeing you, though.
Wait, he's... Can you go grab him for us? Hold on, but we're in Toronto, and he's wearing what I'm wearing, and it's weird. I texted him and told him what you were wearing. Oh, okay. Anyway, you want to... Just black coffee. Black coffee, and you... Thank you. Thanks. Okay, go.
It is very much. Anyway, dude, it's so weird. I'd like you to. I just ran into John. Alex. And I just told John, I go, get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, because he was, you know what he was like, I'm here to replace you. I go, that's not even real. Is that right? Yeah, and I go, get the fuck out of you, piece of shit. And he just got in the car and left. So let's, you got the camera? Well, before we roll, Alex, I think had to say something to you.
He gets... He gets recognized? He does. No, be real.
What's up, dog? Can I say something?
No, he fakes it. He fakes the shy and like, oh, no, you know, this and that. But he loves it. Yeah. It's so gross. It's gross. Because in his heart, he's like, I'm the man. But he wants to act like, oh, I'm an affected. Oh, you recognize me? You recognize me? How could you recognize me?
You were recognized from Bad Friends. All day. All day long. Because you weren't around probably. Huh? I know what you were doing. What do you mean I wasn't around? We were together. I took that video. I know what you were doing, dude. You were doing that thing. What am I doing? Machismo. What's machismo?
You're a piece of shit. You're a piece of garbage, dude. That's so gross. Fuck you, fancy. Yeah, fuck off, dude. So he gets recognized. That's insane. Yeah, he does. He deserves it. Why does he get recognized? He's the best. He is great.
Yeah, you're a zaddy. Wait, wait, you... Do you fly there to teach or is it Zoom?
What kind of movie would you produce if you wanted to produce one? Let's say him and I were like, you know what I mean? The new Weinstein. Yeah.
All right, so what movie would you choose? No, let's forget it. We're just Jews. We're the Feinstein. We're the Feinstein. The movie's called Just Jews. Yeah, yeah. I'm Lodz Feinstein. This is Frank Feinstein. We're the Feinstein brothers. Feinstein brothers. Pitch us a movie.
Ooh. Ooh, that's interesting. But I thought you were pitching us a movie, not analyzing our, you know what I mean, our...
Whoa. That is bold. It's a tough business.
It's that confident thing where, you know, when that lady at the Tuesday night said, when you're on the stage, it's like this, you know, come on. Machismo? It's like this, I'm stoic, I'm a star, they get afraid. Where I'm more open. I'm like more of an open book.
And him and I have gone through the- Ringer. Ringer for many, many years. We're still being rung.
Yeah, but I think we're seeing the bright side of, the sunny side of our hard work.
And then you look to the rear, right, and you see Matt Rife back there. There he is. Getting rubbed. Yeah. Right, right? And you're like, oh, I'm at the, and ahead of you is like Tom Papa. An old guy. Does that mean? He's a great guy, Steve Kravitz or something or whatever. And you're like, oh shit, I see the end of this.
But then sometimes you see a car go back around and go through the car wash again.
I've seen that. I've seen a couple of cars go back in and then they get again in their 60s and you're like, oh, we can go back maybe. Yeah. Do you believe you're that car? I think I'm already back in though.
I would argue, some would argue it's maybe your third time. It could be my third time back in the car wash. Right. I cut in line. I'm almost out of my first one. No, you're in the second one.
No, you're in the second one. I never went through. I have my ticket still. I'll show you. I never went through the first time. I think Workaholics. Not Workaholics. Mixology. Mixology. A failed sitcom. I know. I think Mixology, that whole time period with Punk'd and that whole little... It was your first time in the car wash. Let me tell you something.
Well, then if that's the case, I'm in my first wash then.
Thank you so much. We're going to find somebody else.
Love you. We love you. Let's do one more interview, maybe.
Grab the mic, put it right to your mouth. Remember to vocalize. Are you nervous? Get closer to the mic to your face. Sounds like the old days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get closer to the mic. Are you nervous?
You guys don't play Fortnite or anything like that, huh?
There it is. Very Jamaican twist. I like that. What's your name? They just sat down.
Are you? Oh, in your face, dude. Wow. I knew that already when he said it. I've never seen him at the meetings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Zach nailed it. So, Franco, what do you want to do when you grow up?
You want to work at Best Buy? What's going on here, dude?
Do you really? Do you want to produce TV shows?
Double major. Double major. Public relations.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what can you do with that? I don't know.
No, everyone was like, is Bobby with you? Is Bobby with you? They were freaking out. Anyway, I want somebody to draw like a where's Waldo, but with me in it. Where's Bobby? That's a good idea. That'd be fun.
Oh, cool. You want to be a publicist?
Anything that you, anything. How about this? Let's just give them a scenario maybe.
Because I don't know much about that. What's the worst thing you've seen in a theater?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this show going on Bravo? No.
Yeah, what is going on right now? Definitely cable, though. Yeah, this has got to be cable. All right, go ahead. So there's a black couple and a trans couple yelling at each other. Yeah. All fighting. Fighting. Wow. Let me guess what movie. How long ago was this? This was in August. August, August. They were watching... Hold on. August this summer? This past summer?
They were watching Joker Part 2 or whatever that's called.
Oh, great movie, by the way. I loved it.
What are they arguing about? Oh, about the phone.
He was thrown in you're not a real woman.
Wow. That's where you go, though, when you're in a fight with.
Yeah, finish this movie though. Oh, so he goes, I'm in love with you, I gotta leave, right? He said that to the girl. Yeah, and where does he go? Where we're going? Singapore. Singapore, really? Yeah, he goes to Singapore and like months pass by, he's trying to forget about her. So he's seeing other women now?
Interesting move, AMC. Let me guess about the phone. The trans phone used to be an iPhone, but now it's a Samsung.
Wait, wait. The black person took the... Took the trans or trans took the black? The trans person tried to punch the black guy. Exactly.
Oh, you know what that looks like? Huh? Remember when Bane took off that football field? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I wish that would have happened there. They did a flyover. How great would it have been if Bane showed up with a nuclear? You know what I mean?
Yeah, because I've had fights in a theater with other customers.
No, his wife is gone. She died. No, they're separated. They stopped talking about her in the movie, right. Yeah, they stopped talking about her in the movie. And he's out with a friend at a bar or whatever. And then while he's out with a friend, she flies to Singapore.
But did it play in your theater? Did anybody see it? Yeah.
You know, Jack Black sat right there.
Yeah. You two are great. We love you. We love you so much. Give it a hand for these guys. Incredible. That was great. Great job, boys.
All right, guys, you know, we love to say we have so many things to be grateful for. Yeah, we really do. I can't think of any right now. No, of course I do.
I'm grateful for you and our family.
his the new the love the unrequited unrequited love she smokes a cigarette does she know he's there yeah she knows she's in her place she smokes a cigarette right and then he kept one of her slippers his slippers that you know I mean to remind she takes the slippers and she just leaves so he comes back and he looks at the cigarette and you know there's lipstick on it oh yeah right yeah and he sees he can't find the slippers so he knows she was there but he never sees her again in the whole in her his whole life
No. It should non-smoking. So five years later, let me finish it. May I? I miss you so much. I knew you were going to do that. I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. to go. So the last scene of the movie, right? Yes. Six years later, she goes back to the apartment building, but now she has a kid. We don't know who the kid's from.
It could have been from her ex-husband. We don't know. We don't know, right? And she wanted to visit the lady that rented her this place because she knew that she was leaving. And so from her apartment, or from where she was, she can look into where his bedroom was outside. He just happens to visit You know what I mean?
And they see each other through the window on these opposite kind of apartments. Yeah. And he goes like, he kind of does this. And she goes, and tears just start rolling down her eyes. But they don't link up. Oh, it's just in the mood for love, baby. And that's what I want. You're in the mood for love. I'm in the mood for love, dude. And that's the kind of romance I want.
No, no, no. Like in Paris, Texas. I love movies where it doesn't work. Is this a metaphor for your life? Is that what you want? You don't want that. It makes love more mysterious. But it's infinitely sad. I know, but I like the longing. Like Dr. Zhivago, where he reaches her and then he dies. I just love the longing. I love the devastation.
I like being out in my backyard by myself on the lawn chair like I do with a cigarette. And I long for love.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry. I went crazy, sorry. It was so fun, man. Yeah, sorry. We had a great time. Good job. Fantastic. What did you do this weekend? Nothing. I saw a movie. What'd you see? Oh, my God. In the Mood for Love. You ever see it? Wong Kar Wai? Beautiful movie.
That's okay. There's a longing. Love doesn't always- A shorting, I mean. There was a shorting. There's a shorting. The shorting with Bobby Lee. I know, but I haven't met the mysterious one. But it's coming. It may. That's what I like about it. That's the longing. Yeah. Like, I met somebody, but she used to see somebody that we know. Yeah.
and that's tough i know but did they date or they hooked up they were dated oh and in my mind i'm like that's exactly what i would want to she doesn't like me but that's the kind of girl i want how do you know she doesn't like you i can just tell but just everything about her in terms of what i heard her say her her vibe her everything god i want to know who it is so i can't tell you not on the air you can i'll never tell you really yeah because it's the long it's the shorting dude
Yeah, I'm in the mood for love right now. And it's like, it's a shorting situation. And it's like, you cannot know this. Sometimes when you're at an airport too, right? Yeah. Many times it's happened. It's five or six times in my life where a girl will walk by, she'll lock eyes with you and she'll smile. And she's beautiful and I'll smile, right?
And there's an instant and you'll never see them again.
To me, they don't even pretend to like, they'll look at me and they'll go. Not a shot, right? And you're like, okay, relax. I was just looking, you know?
Yeah, Tony would have. Keep that in. Yeah. No, no. But my therapist said Thursday to me, she goes, I go, well, you know, the girls that I like don't like me. And she goes, but you do the same to them. Like, what do you mean?
One of my favorite movies now. What a movie. Where do you find time? In the Mood for Love, dude. Look at this thing. Two chinks in love. That's what they should have called it. No, no. I'll tell you about this movie. Two edamame? This movie is so subtle. It's so subtle. And in the beginning, I was like, oh, I'm done. I hate this. It's boring, right? I don't even know.
There's a danger. You know what I mean? It's also like, you know, some girls look at me, oh, he's short, you know what I mean, pudgy, this and that. And I do the same to them, too, physically. She's short and pudgy. Yeah, so I go, I don't like it. You know what I mean? So my point is that there was this one girl I met, and she was good, more than average, I guess.
But she does things like, you know, you can see her feeding the homeless. And she's like, you know, there was this old man that lost his wife, and she visited this old man every day for like a year. What a nice person. And played chess with him. And you don't like this girl? No, I mean, to me, I was like, boring! Yeah! Oh, you know what I mean? No time for fucking. You know what I mean?
But my point is that in my mind, I'm like, this is what I should be going for. Right. But you know what you are going for? Yeah, all that shit.
No, why don't we just do the, why don't we just do the move for love and just be in this- It's better to burn out than to fade away. Constantly in mystery.
I'd rather dream, I think. All right. It's like this business. It's like I may never reach the levels that I've wanted to reach.
But I'm not. Where do you want to be? Everywhere. Visa. Yeah, I want to be like Visa. I want to be like Visa. It's that dream of like anything can happen at any time, but it never happens, but you're kind of always dreaming.
Am I echoing what your therapist said? Yeah, so then next week I'm going to come here with a three foot five, four hundred pound Samoan girl. Well, that fits. Named Cuckoo. If the shoe fits. And I'm like, I did it.
Yeah, yeah, I did what you said. All right, Cuckoo, go shit. That's not going to happen. Keys against the wall. Anyway, and if your name is Cuckoo and three hundred pounds and four foot whatever, no offense. Can you imagine that woman just slamming her food to the ground as she listens to our show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck! Like a double pineapple pizza. She's just like...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I mean, you know, but when you watch a movie like In the Mood for Love, you know, there's another movie I saw recently, Amelie, is the same kind of love, but they get together. They end up together. In the moped. That's the old style. You end up together. Yeah, yeah. But when they, you know, when you, if you watch a movie like Amelie, it's that whole tease.
So halfway through, I'm like, what's going on here? But when you figure out what's going on, it's just so nice. It's about forbidden love, dude. The kind of love that you and I have. It's so forbidden. No, it's bidden. No, it's not.
You love the tease. You don't miss the tease? I'm sure you do.
Wait, wait. These two girls were already with two guys? That's right.
I understand what you're saying, dude.
Yeah, I know you would. I would too. You fucking pervert. I would have it, but I want to say, let me direct you, okay? That's rude. Yeah. And what I'm saying is that Leo's one guy, right? And he wants- He looks up at so many people. I know, but he wants 25 or younger and supermodel. Like you. That's not my demographic. No, the girl that I made out with last night was 33.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand.
So it's like, you know, it's not the same pool that we're fishing from.
Yeah. What I'm saying to you is that I've seen your pool as well. Oh, that's so funny. And I can expose stuff about you as well, right? This guy flew out all the way to New York.
We're the medium guy. But then she got blew up and went uglier. Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm going to go down. I'm going to go downtown. What's been going on, Jules?
And I want to say, like Ali Wong in her book. Ally Wong in her book, right? She says. She has a book? Yeah.
There's a little paragraph about me.
And then when she came to LA, I didn't hit on her. I showed her around, right? I met her places and I go, this is where you eat. This is where the good clubs, this and that, right? Yeah. I showed them the ropes. There's no sexual intention there. And you know that that's what I'm like. All my openers are women and they're all just friends.
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She went too ugly and also just ghosted the hot guy.
You know, I treat you like a peer. All of you guys. Maybe better than a peer. Yeah. Like Alex Costa. You know him?
He works for me. What? On Tiger Belly.
We go into Patagonia yesterday and I'm going to buy something. He goes, Bob, can I buy me something? I go, yeah. And I go to this register and I'm bringing things in and it's $600. And the thing I bought was $80. What did he buy? This fucking complex winter jacket. Yeah. Right? You bought it, though. Yeah. You did. Yeah, yeah. I was so livid. Right?
And what I'm saying is, you guys treat me like that, too. Like, we're peers. I want to say this to you, right? And it's not a threat. It's an order.
I'm Zelensky, for sure. Oh, yeah. You attack me first. No, this is... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're Putin.
Yeah, you do. Yeah, you're closer to Putin. Yeah, you're closer to Putin. So what I'm saying to you is that I love you, right? I love you too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You too, McCone, and you too. Me?
Russian opening. Chess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A castle. En passant. You know what en passant is?
You're the king. Okay, you're the king. Because we're partners. Bishop. Andreas. Rook, rook, rook, rook, rook.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, pawn, pawn, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is... Carlos, you know, honestly... Yeah, knight.
Yeah, because he goes, he lies. Oh, he deceives. Yeah, yeah, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, L, you know what I mean? Yeah, what is she? She's a bishop. She is a bishop. Angles, angles, angles. Angles, angles.
That was so good. You little fucker. You are a good fucker though. So she is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Bishop moves there. Yeah, that's great.
He's so mad at you. You don't know about this guy. Those little things, they seep into his- You know what's really funny? Look at it.
Do you remember when she was mad at us? Oh, yeah. That was the most heartbreaking two weeks. I broke my heart. It really did hurt my feelings. What? It hurt my feelings. What? Your mom's a hoe?
Wow. But you planted the seed. Congratulations.
Yeah, very good. And you know what? Another thing you do that drives me crazy, my friend.
Why is it when I recommend you something, you never watch it? But when anyone else recommends it, you watch it.
That seems to be the reality of the situation.
Like I've been asking you to watch different things and you don't watch it.
See, like now. Notice. Did you notice? I saw. Yeah. I've been telling you that. Yeah.
It's so funny. Can I kind of counteract that?
Pure love. It's the kind of love Mother Teresa gave to the poor. Same. Exact same. Yeah, yeah. It's that kind of unhinged. Undying. Undying love. That's what I meant. Anyway.
Do I hear you playing shit down there?
24 hours a day. And she's giggling. Right, right, right. And I recommend nothing. Nothing.
It is. That is true. Don't ever raise your voice like that to me. Okay. Why is it different?
And the government has us. You want to enslave us?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the one we love, yeah. Back then they did it with religion, right?
Now they're doing it with TikTok and capitalism. Get ready with me. And we're all slaves, right? And I love it.
I love being a Chinese slave. Me too, we're there. Nezha.
Naysa 2 is out, okay? It made $2 billion in China. It's the greatest animation movie I've ever seen.
When I said red line, was I close? Did you hear that? It's already in Chinese. It's all in Chinese. Was I close?
There was a Mongolian guy on my show, and I kissed him in the lips. And he just came here from Mongolia. And he stood up in petrified, and he goes, I don't know what's going on.
Look at that. Look at them. They're all data from fucking Goonies. They're dressed like that. What a peaceful life. Don't you want to do this with me?
Might as well do a Mongolian Spider-Man. Might as well do it. There's a window open. Let's go. Spider-Man. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and there's no fucking buildings or trees. So they're doing trees. Maybe trees. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow, yeah. Oh, what a cute guy.
Yeah, and then you get a really easy path to citizenship.
Yeah, but the guy that's doing the rice on his head, you know what I mean? He can't go.
That's true. That is true. That's true.
But do you know why he's doing this? Because Elon Musk and the tech stuff, remember?
But there's a lot of tech people from other lands. And then Trump goes, I don't know. You know what I mean? And there was a controversy. So now I think this is a way for them to get in.
Yeah, but they're the most people.
There's Indian billionaires. Do it.
I thought. What would you do for us if we got you a $5 million gold card? And let me preface this by saying we're not doing it. Yeah. Yeah. But what?
What would happen? You do this podcast every week. You're basically buying her.
You've never cooked me anything, bitch.
You know, kick me one thing. Today I woke up from my nap, bacon. Were you cooking bacon? Love bacon. Yeah, yeah, bacon throughout my house.
Another thing she does is, do you not like me? Because even when we live together- We never see each other.
There is fact that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even when you're there, trust me, you don't leave. And what do I give you? Donuts. Old fairy donuts.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess what you've gotten me as a gift? Zero.
What are you talking about? You don't cook the whole thing? I'm not going to eat 15 strips. I know.
Oh, that's, I never thought of that.
I do it. I microwave my bacon.
There it is. I don't. Thank you.
I get a call. Can you harbor and take care of little Jules and the dogs? And I said, kindly, my heart is out to you.
And you know what happens to that heart? They pee on it.
In the yellowest pee you've ever seen. Wow. Yeah, Jimmy O Yang yellow. Wow. Yeah, that's the most yellow you can get.
That guy doesn't have Down syndrome, does he?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, shape down syndrome, but I don't think it happened.
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Exactly. I don't believe in it.
Yeah, I can't. Now you feel bad. Yeah. Yeah, right there. Okay, so that's me and Ken Jeong.
We had a whole storyline and they cut the storyline out. We really did. Isn't it in like the DVD? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't believe in the fucking cause.
No, I just, the visual reminded me of the movie.
Because we'll put another image. Yeah, because I feel like what I'm saying is bad. Okay, okay. Yeah. What would I eat? Go ahead. This is your shot. Rice. It hurts, but I love it. Now we're on the same playing field.
That's why I gave it to him. I thought he was doing a joke, like you were in the Special. I don't even read it. Well, I know you didn't read it. I just read Special Olympics. He's trying to make fun of me. You think he's attacking you. He's attacking me, so I didn't read the whole thing. Yeah, don't put that in there next time. But you don't get anything.
Oh, wow, wow. That's great. Yeah. So what kind of size mattress are you sleeping on?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, honestly, that was rude. Honestly, I want to be honest with you.
Yeah, and what I want to say to you is this.
That's very good. See what I mean? He's opening up.
Yeah, there we go. You come in here and I'm being a child. And I'm like, I'm going to just state the obvious. But he is a talented young man. He's extremely likable. I could see you on a sitcom. Me too.
Let's do a scene. The title of the sitcom, Way Different Strokes.
And then the credits go down. Credits? Yeah, yeah. Wow.
Yeah. There's a show somewhere. If we can get that.
Dallas. Wow. So could we come to it? Will we get comped or backstage, all that stuff?
I mean, who's there, dude? Dave, let me be honest. Imagine a 12-year-old skinny kid.
I'll tell you why. Okay. Can I tell you why? Go ahead, go ahead. My bud.
I feel like I'm being the mean one. Yeah. And he's playing the nice guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like the things I'm saying, I'm going to get fucking lynched for. Not lynched.
Crucified for. Honestly, I swear to God that wasn't a thing. Interesting choice of words. Yeah, yeah. I swear to God that wasn't a thing. I swear to God. I swear to God, dude. Oh, I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to be crucified for and you're going to be the saint.
That's what I feel like. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's me. You know what? That's funny.
This is serious business. We're talking about serious business. Okay, let's get to the serious business. And what I'm saying to you is that, you know what I mean? The civil rights movement.
What I'm saying is, is that, you know what I mean? We fought hard. Who is you?
Yellow Panther. Okay. Well, I did my own speech. Okay. You want to hear it? Hate speech? No. You want to hear my speech? Yeah, go ahead.
I had my own speech that night. Okay, that night?
but you know me it was it moved those four yeah yeah it really did okay yeah i'm telling you he's but we're but we're we're bonding worlds here we're bonding really we're like do you prefer like let's let's see you and i went to war okay i'll go ahead you and i went to war okay we're in a war yeah yeah yeah um i'm fine wait before i keep can i just say something because you mentioned war yeah did you know that now they're not gonna allow transgender people in the military
I just got it, Andrew. And I want you to say it. A sequel to a movie. And tell me the movie.
Okay, so all weekend I did not sleep at all. You were doing shows. I know, did not sleep. How? It was so cold and the heat was too heat. I don't like it when the heat's too heat. You know what I mean? What is your perfect optimal room temperature in a hotel? Probably a 70.
Okay, all right. Look at me, little guy. A big guy, whatever. You know what I mean? I have a little dick. I have malfunctions in my body, right? A malfunction? Yeah, and I've had people tease me my whole life. Why are you talking about your body like it's a machine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been bullied.
I've seen it. We have the same cause.
You remember when you used to, in casting directors, you'd be like, we're looking for white, Hispanic, and other. Right, you're other. We're other.
I feel it, man. Minorities, for sure. And you're a success. And you're killing it.
Can we help you? I don't think I need help with anything right now. I'll be real. Because I'll be real with you. This is going to say some bullshit. No, I'm not going to say any bullshit. I'm not going to say any bullshit. Go ahead. Because I was dear friends with Ralphie.
And I never said anything. Rest in peace. I never said anything.
And I've always regretted that I didn't. It's like... You know, when people have a drug addiction at the store, right? I always go up to them. If you ever want to go to a meeting, I'll take you. And I always do.
Yeah, I know that for sure. So what I'm saying is that, jokes aside, is there anything we can do? Because it's like, at the end of the day, we want you to get healthy here.
I know, but what happens is it's so cold through the window, it combines. And there's a horrific... Oh, it's like when the Atlantic and the Pacific meet. It's like, no, I'm more like an angel and the demon. Oh. And they're dancing in the air. And I don't really like that.
So are your parents still together?
Yeah, I'm so sorry, brother. Rest in peace, man.
We have so much in common. We might be like- Blood hurt. Did we just become bad friends? Yeah, yeah, we did, yeah. I want to do a movie called War Babies with you. War Babies, yeah. I'm not going to war with any of these. No, our father was black. Yeah. And he did a couple of wars in different places. And then we're offspring of that black man.
Yeah, you do. You get angry. And you know what?
But go ahead and ask the question. I don't want to. Go ahead. I can't. I can't. Why? The time passed and it's rude and I don't like it. What was it?
I can't. The timing. You know how in comedy there's timing? Yeah. Comedic timing. Yeah, yeah. It had to be there. I don't have the confidence to say it.
It wasn't going to be funny, but I was just curious about when people see you get on the boat, do they get scared?
It's a combo. You see at the hotel Zoe?
Yeah, yeah. And they don't get scared, so that's good. I've answered my uncle. I love you.
We recently just broke up. Oh no. You're free. Yeah.
Oh, shit. That's the best way, dog.
Congratulations, player. We got to fly these bitches out. Yeah, you got to fly them out.
Coach, right? Coach, baby. Spirit flight. Spirit middle.
I don't like it. But you know what I do like? Huh? And it's polite. Okay, sometimes it's a combo shower bath, but if you want to take a fucking shower, you have to actually go in the tub and do the shower, and then you get wet. Head out. But you know what this clever fucking friend has? A little window.
You know what? You know the signs.
Yeah. You know when they're using you. No, no, I don't. Now, no, I don't. What do you mean?
Most of the time they do. You've flown somebody out.
And you realized that they were using you.
Oh, man. But that's happened. Has it not happened to me? Mm-hmm. It has?
Yeah. Black Youngster. Let's see photos of some trench bitches. Let me read the lyrics. Oh, shit.
Yeah, well, blame Hamas. Blame Hamas.
You put your arm through and you open it.
That's a really interesting... That's a really interesting question. That I really never had the answer to.
You remember that? Yeah, that's right. And it's a clever little... Smart. I like it.
Seriously? Let's just move on.
Yeah, we have a Hulu animated show. We do, and we have a game. And we would love to have you in it.
No, we'll make him like a pixie or something.
Okay, okay. But we'll... I swear to God, we're going to use you.
Well, we've heard the story. I know.
I want you to look in that camera right there and say, thank you for being a bad friend.
But I hadn't been back to Cobb's The last time I was there is when Ken Jeong attacked me in the green room.
Like 15 years ago. So I pointed to all my openers. This is where it happened. And I positioned the chairs. He turned around like this. How nice is Cobbs? Honestly. And then after that, I did a MySpace corporate show with Al Madrigal, Ian Edwards, Natasha Leggero. Ask everyone that works there. When I got off stage, I started to cry. I bombed so bad. And then I went into the kitchen.
Yeah. I know. That's what I'm talking about. It's an inner lingering slow burn of anger.
Well, MySpace isn't even around anymore, is it? That's how long ago it was. And I got on my hands and knees, and I vowed to the gods, I'll never play her again. I've always had bad luck there. At Cobb's? Yeah, so I haven't been there for like 15 years.
It's still active, yeah. I wonder what my page looks like.
I don't think I... There's no... They got rid of it. They got rid of it.
They didn't have internet back then, so they had to physically make it. They physically make a space for her. And she says, my on it.
And she sits in a little fucking hole.
That's my space. Yeah, yeah. And then you draw your friends, right? Your top 10. You draw the faces. On the walls? On the wall, yeah, yeah. Walls with fire? It's really good. Yeah, with fire. Yeah, so it's cool.
Look at him. Oh my God, he has that disease.
Look what we got for you. A normal chair. Rudy.
To your graduation? I'm calling. Of course we want to go. What did we talk? Of course we want to. Do we wear a suit? What did we happen? You know what? We'll dress like men in black. Just casual.
We're going to be bright. I want to wear those. I'm going to bleach my hair. I'm going to wear funny goggles.
We're going to dress up. That's you and me. Are you going to really do that, though? I'll do it with you. Yeah, let's do it.
We'll get a boba truck. Boba truck, boba milk party.
And then three years from now, they work at fucking Chipotle. That's mean.
I want negative ones, though. You know what I mean?
Like a joker. What would Joker say?
We were in South Korea? Yeah. That's insane. We support the women. We really do. That's crazy. Did you get pussy in San Francisco? No. What happened was this, and I did one of my old school high school tricks.
Oh, you want to guess what it is? I'll talk about it.
No, you go cute. You go cutesy-poo. Right, so what happened was she came to a show. So there's this girl I met years ago on Instagram. Very pretty. And then she kind of like disappeared from the DMs. But then she's like, can I get a ticket? Because they're sold out, right? So I get her in. I do come up. Some high school friends came up. Then she comes up.
And then I invite her to dinner with the gang. And we go to the dinner. And then I kissed, that show for some reason, 10 dudes. Wow. From stage. She don't kiss 10 dudes with us. I know, but I did.
Yeah, I just, everyone would do it. Wow, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then she was like, how come you don't kiss me? So in the car ride, I made her drive by, I go, let's just do a kiss, right? I went like that. We kissed like that. A peck. Just a peck. And I go, let's do it again.
Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Samuel French. Yeah, yeah, you Pearl Harbor it. Right. Right? And then we just made out the whole time in the car.
In 2025? Well, here's the deal.
No, I'm making out because, remember, I haven't been jerking off.
Like 12 days or whatever. Pretty good. Right? Not last night.
Right? And then my penis went... You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Old boy Dave woke up. Yeah, old boy Dave woke up. Oh, we need to fight. Let's go. Black guy. Whatever. Bing, bing, bing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when you're making out with somebody, your body, it's just biological, right? Yeah, right. You're just super horny.
And I just, you know, four pumps and a fucking marshmallow came out. Yeah, it was so thick. It hurt. It's like wood glue coming out of your people.
It hurt so bad. And it was like a pancake batter. Yeah, yeah. Am I Aunt Jemima? What's going on around here, dude? It was like... You know what I mean?
It's thicker. It is way thicker. I agree. It's the thickest. I meant to say pancake. Pancake batter is the thickest. Yeah, yeah. Pancake batter is the best. What is pancake?
Well, you know, and this is a message to everybody. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. You're high, huh?
Why are you giggling at that then?
Okay, so may I make a message to the women?
And so just figure out what that means.
Is that, no? That's a part of it. Yeah. Yeah. No, what I'm saying is, is that, I think I used the wrong terminology.
No, I mean, just the... The next person I like and that, you know what I mean, there's intimacy and stuff, I think I might go for it for long-term-y. Really? Yeah.
Yeah, because, you know, some people treat me like I'm still open mic or bop. Who's that?
open mic or Bob who treats you that way you mean women what you mean women yeah I don't treat no one they're just always like yeah like you know I can do better that kind of mentality and I'm like I don't think so I don't think so yeah you can what you can do better than the comedian in LA it's like the city where Leonardo DiCaprio lives You can do better?
I'll even do one you better, dude. Yeah, give it. Right. We're the hot guy, right, that she dated.
They had Ozempic back then. That's the thing.
Was there a Karen Carpenter back in the day? What is? A Karen Carpenter. Who's Karen Carpenter? Huh? Who's Karen Carpenter? You don't know Karen Carpenter? I know Sabrina Carpenter.
And she was a drummer and a singer. And Jesus's father was a carpenter. Yeah. And she died from bulimia. From bulimia? Yeah. And I was trying to make a little, try to riff on something and you didn't know. So now it's kind of just, it was a dead end. I'm sorry. Hold on. You know what I mean?
with her we know a lot of guys here's a little secret everyone listening okay tell us we've had people on this show right unknown comics almost right people that are like really right that have hooked up with super famous celebrities Jeff that we can never we can never announce here Jeff died Jeff died like crazy thing like I know Jeff died It's close, but like crazy things like that.
But if I said it now, it would cause so much ruckus and chaos. Yeah. And I've never hooked up with an A-list celebrity actress.
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He's a repressor, dude. Yes. Yeah, dude. I'm going to say this right now, dude. I've had enough of him setting the rules.
You guys, I would not be standing here right now or sitting here without it. My body does not move without energy shots. You know what I mean? Because I'm a sloth. Right. And I don't move to the rhythms of the universe.
I love these shots, man. Like sometimes I'm super tired and I got to perform in front of, you know, thousands and thousands and thousands of people. I get a shot of energy.
We're going to do it this time. You have to do it this or you're not doing it. You know what I mean?
You know, I don't want to Google it because I don't think we can show it, but can you describe it to me? Okay, so when I- Okay, a hermaphrodite is this. Let me try the definition. Do it, do it, do it. Is a hermaphrodite somebody that was born with both genitals? With both genitals. Are they combined? They can be. There's a whole array of hermaphrodites. Now, which kind would you want to be?
Oh, really? Really? Or I want to have the penis, right? And have the fucking whole of the penis be a pussy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Great. So only like little rodents and things that can fuck it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It has the actual like labia and the clit, but it's miniature. Well, what if you have a penis and both- So Fraggles, like a Fraggle from Fraggle Rock and come back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But are the balls big? Yeah. Okay, because I want regular size badges on the balls. Right, right, right. And then, right, what you could do is if Brittany and, what's her name? Abby and Brittany, the twins were lesbians. Yes, that's it. Two for one. Two for two. Two for two.
Or maybe go up on stage. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. We have work ethic. You know, you don't. And stop complaining then. You know, it's your generation, dude. I mean, we're gritty, dude. We are very gritty. Yeah, we click, click, right? You know what that is? Click, click.
Is it a true story? It's a true story. Oh, my God.
Okay, good. I want him to look like Adrian Brody for some reason.
You know, it's in the movie Temple of Doom. Yes. Right? When Kate Capshaw, right, is getting that soup. Yes. And she's really hungry. Yeah. And she's about to eat it. Yeah. And then the eyeball foots the surface. That's what I'm going to equate it to.
That's a new show on TruTV. So if I honestly, be honest with me with your heart. I'm being 100% honest. With your heart. Literally, hand. Yeah, right.
honestly dude if i was a hermaphrodite okay and i showed you my vag yeah okay and it was like um i'm talking about like you know you know like kate mott you know like i'm talking about like you know i mean just the perfect perfect yeah yeah yeah rebel wilson Rebel Wilson. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I do. She's in Cats, right? She's hot. Yes. That lady in Cats. Yes. I like her.
Her vat. Like beefy. Rebel. Like that. Yeah, but beefy. Yeah. She looks like a nice, tight beef.
We shouldn't talk like that about women. Yeah, maybe we shouldn't. We respect all women. And Jules, we apologize, right? But it's a very good one. Yes. And I looked at you and I went, you want to? You would? Be honest.
Oh, but you're backwards but you can play golf all day. Exactly. You know what I mean? What kind of golf are you playing, dude? Scumbag. Scumbag golf. You don't play golf, do you? No. I know why. Why?
I wish I could say the same for you.
You're too manly. You have all the chin. You have the fucking, you know what I mean? You look just too manly to me. Do you think I'm handsome?
Dude, it's not even a... Dude, that's not even a debate.
Andrew's handsome at the top of the red spectrum. Right. Right.
Just a white spectrum, it's like special needs. Right, right. But red, he's top of the line. Top of the line. The top redhead. And for little mythological Asian dudes, I feel like I'm the top of the line.
I think amongst them in a lineup. Like, you know that thing where they pop the balloons? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think the pandas would pop my balloon. No. They're balloons?
I was kind of juicing her up that night at the Hulu party. She loves you. Yeah, I think juicing was the right word to use.
You did a head thing. That's what he does.
Yeah, she's, you know what? Here's, can I be honest with you? That's what I'm looking for. She's beautiful, right? That's what I'm looking for.
Someone that can, here's FY for people out there, okay?
Maybe I'm going to be my life partner. Yeah. Okay. Respect that. It's one thing to be beautiful, cultured. She is beautiful. I don't know. She's like my daughter. It's like looking at my dogs or whatever. There it is. But I love you. I love all my animals. But my point is this. I'm sorry. That's so rude. I apologize. I love you. But what I'm saying is that, you know, beauty, right?
And culture, right? But they need to adapt to every social situation.
I feel like your wife can adapt to social situations. Am I correct or not about that?
Oh, bravo. Congratulations. Will you have a wedding?
Yeah, it's so interesting. Wow, wow. It's interesting that I've never been to a church like that. I want you to come to church. Will you come to our wedding at the church? Yeah. I mean, I'll go to the wedding, but I've never, I know I've been to weddings in a church, but I've never been to like a Catholic church where they have the whole, you know, the bread and stuff.
Okay. See? Okay. Yeah. I don't think so. Yeah. I don't think so.
Why haven't you, are you, is the acting thing not a thing you're going to do? You're very, I mean, let's get down to the business. At hand. Let's get down to the business's hand and look at this guy. He's going to sell out Madison Square Garden. Let's be honest. Allegedly. No, you're going to. Okay. Keep watching. So September, you know, and I'm going to do the show.
I'm going to try to do the show. There'll be an announcement coming soon. Yeah, yeah. You're now a talk show guy. I mean, you're on the talk show circuit. Yeah, you just did Kimmel, no?
That's pretty good, though, comparatively speaking. Yep. Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Keep going. All right. And can you act is the question.
And so I think we should do a three-way, you know what I mean, a scene between us three. I'd like to test your, you know what I mean, your chops here. I'm putting my product out there, Bobby, on a daily basis, and the people are saying no. That's what's happened. Okay, can I say this, too? And I want to say this. I'm thankful and fortunate for what I do have, but people are saying no. Hey, Guy.
Guy, Guy! Guy. Guy. Let me tell you something, Guy. There's a disconnect between this and that. between what we do in our ecosystem and Hollywood. Do you understand what I'm saying? There still isn't, you know what I mean, a complete direct line is what I'm saying. They think that what we, they don't understand what we do. And we don't quite understand what they do.
But we want to do what they do and they want to do what we do. Why don't we do it together? You know what I mean? But they won't let it. You know what I mean? That's why- Are you in? No, I'm not. I've done some stuff.
Oh, yeah. Oh, you did a more Asian analogy. No. Old West. Yes. It's the Old West. Oh, I know what it is. Let's say you're a cowboy. Yes. Right? And I'm a Chinese laundromat guy in Deadwood. Right? You come in. Hey, man. Hey, Chang. You know what I mean? Wash these trousers. Okay, Mr. Okay, Mr. John. Right? And you go, delivered to my house. Right? Okay, Mr. John. Right? Right.
And I get through the laundry and I go in and you invite me in for a second. Right. Come on in here, Chang. And I go in. That's the only time you're allowed in that house. Right. Is that a good analogy? That's a good analogy.
Oh, you know what I did yesterday? What? My friend. I was in the green room before you got there, right? There was all guys in there. I just pulled my penis out. Good. Yeah. And everyone laughed. Yeah. Yeah. Like the old days. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And I go, what's going on here, Michel? I washed your trousers. It's on the house. Please don't do this to me. And then what do you say?
I see. Yeah. Yeah. And then the next time you go to the fucking place, I'm just like wobbling around. Yeah. And you're going to still go wash my trousers. Yes. Right. That's it. That guy.
No, it's whatever. Your choice, dude. You're the actor. Man, I've never thought I'd be standing in a place like this. Went out again? For my laundry to get done. Ain't no cowboy got time for laundry.
It's existential philosophical comedy, dude. You have to think about it and ponder, dude. People don't ponder anymore. Just the Fonzies.
You sound like a lady, Cole. Lavender. What happened to riding hard and living free?
They don't ponder anymore. Let's ponder. I know, dude. What did you ponder about today? I was able to follow you last night. Yeah. That's what I'm pondering, dude. I was scared. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're a Madison Square Garden comic now.
I feel like we're... That's the truth. Well, fellas, I reckon it's time to get our shirts back before she starts making us fold them ourselves. Don't... Wait, wait, wait. Don't want no part of the kind of work...
All right, let's go. Yeah, we got this from the Theo Vaughn and Spade movie. That's it. That's a funny callback. I like that. She was very good commitment. Very great. You grasped onto the Southern accent. That was really good.
You followed, yeah. And God, Chris, you can act. God damn it. Thank you. Yeah. And one day... This shirt's designed to be inside out, by the way. I never questioned it.
And you know, what I appreciated about it is that you haven't done one Asian accent since you've been on the show. No. Yeah, because why? Why? When you do it, you get some heat online?
And then people got mad. And they're going to be mad at that, you think?
I haven't rubbed it. Yeah, I know, I know. It's a tension headache. I know. When white people, when you have this, yeah, you got to stretch it out farther because it relieves the brain. You got to get to the temple. You know what helps?
Yeah, yeah. I do that, too, at home. I do it, too, and it feels so good. Your headache goes away. White people, I'm telling you, no matter where you are, you know what I mean? When you're in Taekwondo class or wherever you might be, at your local Chinese restaurant, if you have a headache, see right there? That guy has a headache. That's not Mickey Rooney.
And then I just said, yeah. Now, let me ask you, you're Asian, right, Jules? When you see white people behave like that, how do you feel?
That's the thing. There we go. That's what we're talking about here. It's about we know each other. I make fun of white people's penises. I make fun of their dumbness. Some of their cultural misgivings. And I think if I know somebody, I feel like anything's... at play here.
Well, we have a friend, I don't want to say his name, but we have a friend that was working through that. He called me a couple of months ago, paranoid about a bunch of stuff online he was reading. He was super depressed. And I told this person, I said, don't read it. You just don't read it. I don't read anything. People go, oh, we'll read it. I don't even know. I've never been on it.
I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about. And that's how you have to live. Because if I did read it, I think it would affect me.
Ruby Tuesday. Rudy. Rudy. Ruby Cake. Ruby Cake. Hello. Oh, she's putting makeup on? Hi. Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. This is great. This is a special. Tiger Belly's going to do shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. But for bad friends, look at her. She was coming. I knew she was coming. Hello. Yeah.
No, I think I am. I think I am. I've been doing things that, let's be serious for a second. We're doing a lot of like, you know, this and a lot of crazy sand stuff, you know what I mean? All that stuff. But what I want to say is that there's another thing that I do is I... I was at the Chicago Improv and I was at the Schomburg Improv. I was in the green room and a waitress came.
Every green room, the club waitress, they take care of you. That's the head waitress? The head waitress. She's like, I'm going to be your waitress all weekend, whatever you need, just let me know. What's the tips? And so she goes, this is so-and-so and she's interning. And she seemed shy, but also she kind of looked me weird. She was like, she kind of looked at me like this.
And when they left, I turned to the comics in the room and go, oh yeah, she doesn't like me. And they go, what? I go, I can tell.
No, I didn't. That wasn't when I did that. Yeah, I would never do that. All right. I would never do that. I would respect her too much. Okay. And that wouldn't be good.
I know you did. It was my thigh. Exactly. It was your thigh. I know. Exactly. All right. So let's get that out in the clear. Yeah. But then two days later, she came up to me. She goes, hey, I just want, you know, I'm just like, I have a bad friends t-shirt. I'm a huge fan. Oh. So in my mind, I was like, oh, I make assumptions about people that aren't true.
And it's because I know growing up, I don't have to read my parents because my parents were snapper heads. Is that like a slur? Damn, snapper heads, ready to take it up all. No. For Koreans from San Diego. No, no, no. They were physically violent. Towards you. Yeah, yeah. And they would just, you know, and so every day was reading the situation and to protect myself.
Right. To like, for danger. And I do that. out in the wild, you know what I mean? And I'm tired of doing it because it's like, it's usually not true. You know what I mean? And I feel comfortable with when they don't like me. And when people like me, I feel uncomfortable, which I want to change that narrative as well.
I know that. That's a really good... I like those little... Yeah, yeah. I like those little... Just one more. Here's another one.
That's what it is. Don, did you listen? That was for you. Oh, yeah. That was really good. What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, there was a little advice I was telling him yesterday. You want me to say it? Tell him. Tell him. No. I shouldn't say it. No. Then why'd you just do that? Because I was practicing. Oh, yeah. You were practicing. That was very good, though. Very good learner.
Yeah. Have you ever seen him online?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Chris. Yes. I'll just tell you. Tell him. I could tell him. Tell him. But it has nothing to do with it. Yeah, yeah. I was just saying, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what I'm saying is that, you know... When you're in a relationship, and I was telling a bunch of comics that's in the room, and you want to get out of the relationship, I can never end it.
Because what you do is you have to find a window to get out. So you can force a window to open by doing some of my techniques.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to do that. Yeah. Okay. It was just an analogy. Or door to open. Whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right. Okay. So what it is, when you do the little techniques, and one of the techniques I was telling people was you want her to break up with you.
So you do subtle things. And one of my techniques is you forget their name for a split second every time and you use a snap. Okay. Right. So you go, hey, Kathy. Right? Yeah. Hey, what are we going to eat tonight, Kathy? Right? You do that. Smart. 30 times. It seeps into their subconscious, and they don't know what's bothering them. They don't know what's bothering them, right? Yeah.
And that's where the windows will open. Another one. I have several of them. Smart. What? Very smart, right?
Tell them another one. Another one. Which one? I think I've told people this one before on this podcast before. Let's hear it, though. I haven't heard it. Okay, you haven't heard it. Right.
Oh, so you can say the same thing. Yes. This is a different river. You never step in the same river twice. Oh. Yeah, yeah. So all you have to do this is five times. Okay. So those snapping 30 times, this five times. Okay. When you orgasm, you don't make a noise. You look directly into their eyes. They have to be looking at you, right? And you orgasm with your face.
I know. In order for you to do this exercise, you have to be doing missionary. So I have to have a mirror. This is what you do, right? You look in their eyes and you go, you go like this. You go. Like that, right? If you do that five times subconsciously, right? They will break up with you. Yeah, it's terrifying. Third thing. This is a basic one. You gave them the same present twice. That's huge.
I know. The things that go viral, you can't plan.
It's a good one. Because they usually say, it's just a thought that counts. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care, right? Here's two oven mitts, bitch. laughter You know what I mean?
Right-handed and left one for Christmas. One for Christmas, the other Christmas. That's smart. Right? Very smart. Those little tints, dude, the window will open, my friend.
That's great. Brilliant. She broke up with him because she wanted an engagement ring and he gave her a hundred bucks cash. Yeah. I did this once and she didn't break up with me. Sarah Hyland. She couldn't even defend. She couldn't even back it up. The actress Sarah Hyland? No, there's a different Sarah Hyland. All right. The comedian Sarah Hyland. So Sarah, we were dating for a couple of years.
Yeah, yeah. What was the bit? I've never seen that.
The first year she gave me a vintage ring. painting from a store, like a vintage. She likes going shopping at like antique stores and vintage, you know. And then I gave it to her the next year. You re-gifted it. I re-gifted it to her. Smart. Forgetting that she gave it to me. Right. And it was super embarrassing, but she still didn't break up with me. Right, but she really loved you.
She's married now to my friend, Jen.
She's bi, sexual, and she's a very funny comic, and I love her, and she's family to me.
You know what I mean? I've had a couple of situations where lesbians have gone, dated me for a couple of years. Yes. Everyone around them have been women. So I've never really questioned that about myself. You know what I mean? What do you think of that?
I get it. I've seen you look at me like that from across the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. I can see it. I go, yeah. Interesting. His skin is made of seaweed. Let's come up with another one of these window opportunities together so I can write a book.
Oh, that's so funny. Like a tub, but it was Tup.
It's got to be a split second though. Everyone knows that. If you live too much of a thing, then it's noticeable. Right. And that's why I think the snapping is very important.
I'll tell you why those don't work, because my things are subtle, right? Subtle. These will cause arguments right then and there. Subtle, right. I don't want that either. Right. You know what I mean? I don't want to like, hey, I texted you. You didn't text me. I want them not to know what's going on. Almost like there's something weird, but I don't know what it is. You know what I mean?
Ooh, that's good. That's a really good one. That's a good one.
That's a good one. But I've had fights like that before. Right. Where they go, how come you always walk ahead of me? Right, right. Yeah, or like, you know, or have you had this happen? You're walking with your girl, right? On a beach, wherever, boardwalk, let's say, whatever. Right. At a mall, right? Sure. And you're just walking forward and a hot chick just walks in front of you.
And then you're like, and they're like, I saw that.
Oh, whoa. They would do that. They would come out like, I'm gay, I'm Tupperware? Gay, Tupperware. I don't get it.
What you're saying, we all agree with. It's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like all these things. Now, when I say these things, I don't want to be in a relationship. Why? Oh, you told me another one.
Oh, but that's different. That's different. Here's my theory okay, and I'm not a scientist as you know as you know right, and I'm not a dog you only look like one I'm emotional today you are I'm tired. I'm on the edge right. I'm gonna express myself please I believe that sperm is liquid love. Hear me out. When I'm jacked up with it, I love my girlfriend. When I release, I like my girlfriend.
So in order for me to stay in love, you don't come. And that's what I was telling you last night. You never come.
No, even I was in love with Kalilah. And even when I orgasmed with her, it's not like I hate, I love them still, but it's like, it's still less. Yeah. A little less is what I'm saying. Sure. Or am I in the shadows here?
My checking work. I'm checking in the work at the factory. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did you hear that? Click, click, right? And then you go, hello, Supervisor Monroe. They go, hello there, you know what I mean? Lineman. Look at this. What are you doing? Why do you have that? That's Andrew's seat. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. It sucks. Oh, it sucks. You want to switch? No, no, no.
Oh, so what you're telling me, DeStefano, is this.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's liquid lust. Liquid lust. So what you're telling me is this, and maybe I'm wrong then, okay? That every time you orgasm with your, you feel the same exact way. What do you mean? You don't feel empty. Like empty, like towards her? Not just toward her, but it's just like, you know, you don't really want to cuddle as hard or whatever. You know what I mean? Hmm.
That's not you, bro. I'm alone on an island. You're not on the boat? It depends on the person.
Let me ask you, your relationship with Sal Goods? Of course. But do you end it? Are you done with him?
It depends on the person. You're all liars, dude. Everyone in this, blasphemy. Yeah, yeah. Give me the book. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ, please, dear Lord, forgive these sinners. I mean, they do not know what they say or mean. They only do for public eye. Here you go. Thank you. It's insane. All right, let's go back then. Forget it. So I try to edge. That's all. I agree.
Is it a good show? Yeah, yeah. Landman.
It's a very male show. Right. It's on Paramount. And it's a TV show or a movie? I don't like it. TV show.
What could I play? The Laundromat. No, the railroad. You build a railroad in the sea. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've already said this before. You know what I mean? We're in a different river, right?
But I always said in the old west, I'd be opium. You'd be opium? Opium dealer. You'd live in an opium den? I'd be an opium dealer. Oh, sick. Yeah, yeah. I would get straight from China.
No, no, no. Can we discuss that for a second? So let me see how that works, okay? So you come into my opium den, right? I go, right this way. You do, right? And you go, thank you so much. You're my favorite opium den, right? And we shake hands. And then when we release, I go, I got you. I got you. And then I can't.
You know what's crazy? He's the chancellor of health and he's been inside my house. Isn't that weird to think about? Isn't that wild? It's so wild that he's been- That like somebody- You've met Trump? Huh? Have you met Trump? When I was a little kid, never. Who's like the biggest politician you met? Uh- Love him. Voted him twice.
Who's the most famous guy you met? Politician? No, just in general. Newt Gingrich. Speaker of the House. Who's the biggest famous person you've met? Probably Colin Farrell. How'd you meet him? I worked with him. Doing what?
You were an actor on it? Yeah. Yeah. And you played lacrosse from him?
Was he nice? He beat me up. Was he nice? He was the nicest man. Yeah, he seemed so nice. He's the fucking greatest. Dude, how talented.
Really? And you could see you on Sugar? Yeah. You had lines and everything? I was in four episodes, yeah.
I told you last night, though. What did I say last night to you? I liked me. No, but also as an actor, you have such a distinct look. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if that was a compliment, but yeah.
Do you think he's hit more than you, actually? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's way better looking than him. Yeah, good voice, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he doesn't look like a Greek god, though? No.
In today's America. You're like an Italian baker to me back in the day.
Are you Mexican? What are you? Italian. Okay.
Sidney Sweeney is famous. Oh, right, right. You did a movie with her too? Yeah, just now. Wow. Congratulations. Thanks, man. But you do stand-up too? Still? Debatable, but yeah. He's coming with me to San Francisco. Oh, you're doing a feature? Yeah.
You have a good time. Cops, Comedy Club, shout it out. Oh, Fahim called. I'll call him back. Let's call him back. Yeah.
Okay. Stay here, Don. I have to tell him he's on podcast.
So I'm with the Stefano. You're on Bad Friends.
Yeah, we're on air. I wanted to warn you. Okay.
Don't get sand crazy. I know how you get. Anyway, what'd you call me last night late at night for?
We did a side hug photo, and I bumped my head against that. She's a wonderful girl, by the way. She's beautiful. We were complimenting her. I touched heads with her, and I came a little bit. Is that wrong?
It's biological. Yeah. Thank you. So that's what you wanted to call me about.
Are you with her right now? Well, have a good pause.
Well, have a good show, bud. All right?
If you were at a zoo, let me ask you a question. You're at a zoo. You'd fall into a pit, okay? Animal pit, right? You have chimps. Would you rather fall into chimps, hyenas, or the third one's a good one. Joe Rogan zombie.
Anyway, that was Faheem Anwar. That was Faheem. Yeah.
Okay. It's not good. Hang up now. With Bobby Lee? Hang up right now. Hang up right now. If you don't hang up right now, we're done. Hang up right now. Oh, you heard I said tell him I love him.
Very good answer. I like it. It's very political.
Bye. Okay. Oh, my God. Before we go, I want to say something. I have to rebuttal. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I will not go. I will not go. Yeah, you're not invited. Yeah, I'm not invited. I will not go, even if I was. I'm not going, you know. The next time I see her, right, it'll be a little different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be a little different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could have believed the attitude.
It'll be political, but not as sweet. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be less. It'd be less. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not more. You're not going to touch her head. Won't be anywhere near her.
From afar, I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah. The next hilarity.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, keep her away. Yeah. Yeah, and anything to promote down your website or anything? Mustache Scott.com. I don't know. Okay, good. You're good.
Chimps will rip your head off. I'll tell you my logic with the hyenas though. Tell me. You want to hear my logic? You know about hyenas? Because... What do you know about them?
Johan. Johan had something to do with it. The rest of the acts of Jehukim. But Jehukim, right, he was like Judas at that time. Yes. Right. But then like Job. Right.
That's exactly, that's the mystery. And that's what we're all asking. And theologians. Right. Right. And religious people are always asking that question.
Whoa. Let me read you my favorite. Yeah. I'll read you my favorite. I have my favorite too, dude. Oh, you want to go, dude? Here we go. Oh, my favorite parable, dude. Feroa's broken arm.
Yeah. Oh, the seventh day of the first month in the 11th year. And I was 14 years old then. Really? By the way, a little side note. Oh. Okay. And that's when I lost my virginity. At 14? I was molested. Yes. Same thing. I have broken the arm of Feroa, king of the Egypt. Why'd he do that? Let me finish that fuckface. God damn, dude. Sea. King of Egypt. Sea, dude.
It has not been immobilized for healing, nor set with a splint to make it strong enough to grasp a sword. And when they say sword, they mean dick. Yes. Back then. You know what I mean? The sword is a symbol of dick. Parable. It's a parable, dude. You know what I mean? And you can't grasp yours. You have to use two fingers. Right? We grasp. Yeah, we grasp. Carlos has a little dick? No, no, no.
It's what Andrew likes. Anyway, you click, click, click. Opens up his butt. Okay. I know. He has back aches. Oh, my God. He has a spinal disc. What a gay little boy. He has a gay disc. He has a little gay disc in his back. He's a gay. They're dismantled. What a crybaby, huh? He really is. What if he hit his head on the toilet, remember? Yeah. Like a crybaby. How'd he hit his head on the toilet?
This is fucking pork. Fancy? Yeah, yeah. Fancy pork.
I know, but he jerks out with three fingers. Really?
Fully erect. Like a penguin hand? Yeah. And I don't know how you got your wife pregnant, but that's a mystery. With style. Are you having a baby? All the style. You had a baby already? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just jammed your gummy penis into their vag? Wow.
Okay, nice. Jules, would you read Chris DiStefano, our guest, a parable of your choosing, please?
Yeah, yeah. But anyway, what did you learn from that parable, Jules?
No, that's not what the parable was. Somebody killed a daughter, right? And then she killed the royal family. Not her family.
So Jimmy O. Yang, Ronnie Chang, Dr. Ken. They're on my hit list. Margaret Cho. Who are your rivals that you're going to kill?
Just because... Maybe I'd kill... I think kills are harsh. Let's reframe. Kill Tony. Okay. That's not funny. You edited that part out. I don't like it. It's a play on words. I don't like it. Yeah, you don't like it. Right, right. So how about this, okay? You're in an elevator. Okay. You see people running to get in. It's closing. Okay. Sometimes you put your hand in. Right. Right, to stop it.
Right. But who would you let it close? Who would I let it, whose face? Who would you close on? Right in front of their face. So what I would do, I'll just, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about them. I would just do it for a laugh. Who would you do? Fortune Feimster. Fortune Feimster. All right, so you're an elevator now. Who would you? Who's running toward?
Why? Oh, 9-11? Yeah, yeah, yeah, 9-11. I'm a hack, I'm a hack. No, I like it. Yeah. But I like it because I love him. Right, but so here's the thing. The reason I would do it to him is he wouldn't be, even when he's mad, he's not mad. No. He's too nice. And he was with a beautiful girl last night. Oh my, holy moly. Is that his girlfriend, I guess? It's a girl that he is seeing, yeah.
She's beautiful. Holy moly. Holy moly. I hugged her so hard last night. I hugged her so hard. And I think he called me at one in the morning. I swear to God. And I didn't pick up because I think it's about the hug.
No, we did a head, like here's what, we did a side hug. Yeah. But then her head hit my head. Yeah. And we touched heads like this, right? And I think our heads fucked.
He got all woozy. Like, ooh, I'm redheaded. I get woozy. You know what I mean? He falls over. With a nerd swing. Ooh, this is so good. Wait, what's mine? The Vietnamese one. What's yours? A white man's one. Mine is... Dude, dude. Because Andrew's not here, you're going to... I like it. Yeah. What'd he say? I can't do this today, man. I'm so tired.
Yeah, yeah. Because I did cum. Yeah, you did?
They really do. They get sand crazy, dude, right? Right, right, right, right. And they start thinking of crazy things, you know what I mean? Like taking a bag and putting some sort of contraption in it and just putting it on the side of the road, right? They get sand crazy, dude, right?
You think he does it with it? Yeah, you know, I envision him putting a mask, right? Having a pole, right? And then having someone dressed like Luke Skywalker. You know what I mean? Oh, God. You remember that movie? Yeah. The New Hope? Yeah. On Tatooine? Why are we attacking such a nice guy? He's a great guy. My point is that- And he's got a beautiful girlfriend. So we hit heads. I came, right?
He called at one in the morning, right? And I didn't pick up because I knew that's what it was about. Right. Like, why'd you fuck my fucking girl's head?
Call him. What do you think? Should I call him?
He auditioned or I don't know. He should do it. But not only should he do it, he's the best writer on the West Coast.
Fahim at 1211 he called. What do you want to talk about? I don't know.
What is the thing that you want to talk to me about?
You want to do it? Yeah, I do. Because I want to say to people right now, I have empathy, great empathy for the people that lost their homes.
I'm letting you stay at my house because of the fire. Right. Because Kalilah's house was in Altadena and they still can't get there. Right. So the dogs and you can stay at my house forever.
It got saved, but they can't go into the area. Got it. Okay. Because of the lead. What? Because of looters? Carlos, what?
Because of the fucking chemicals and stuff that's in the air, man. Oh. God, dude. I don't know about chemicals, man. Yeah. Anyway, so then what happened?
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends.
Christmas, Christmas. Dude, imagine if you walked into a lounge and you heard this was a lounge act.
Imagine being depressed on Christmas and walking into here like, Christmas, Christmas. Thank you for being a bad friend. That's so funny. Christmas, Christmas.
Fucking no. No. Okay, ich verstehe es. Ja. WeiΓt du was, Dude? Das ist, warum ich denke, du und ich verbinden. Wir fΓΌhlen uns, wir waren verabschiedet. Wir waren sehr verabschiedet. Ja, ja. Die Verabschiedung war echt. Aber ich mΓΆchte sagen, und ich habe das viele Male gesehen, und du kannst nicht unterscheiden. Manche Shows, die wir zusammen gemacht haben, sind auf der StraΓe.
Ich gehe manchmal in die Audienz und schaue sie.
Du gehst immer in die Audienz, weil du willst sehen, ob ich schlecht mache.
That's insane, dude. Carlos knows.
Carlos just winked at that. No, he doesn't know that. That's not true.
Take that back right now. You do this thing. You're doing what he's doing. Yeah, what's going on?
You do this thing that Trump does.
No, no, it's good. You do it really well, though. Tell me like... I think I know what you're talking about. Say you hate cheesecake. Be like, I hate cheesecake.
Oh, you! Chicken! Yay! That's good.
I don't like cheesecake. No, just say it like you do it.
Like you. I don't like cheesecake. That's because you've never had the best cheesecake. You don't know about cheesecake. People like you. You do that. Where like immediately the opposite side, you just... Give me one example when I did that. You just did it. Tell me. Go back. You go out there to see if I do bad. I've never ever done that. I would never. Yeah, I wouldn't.
You go out there and you go like this. You go, do bad.
Every time I go out there though, there's always a hot woman. die entweder aus der Schuhe kommen und zu mir kommen und immer sagen, ja, dein Junge ist heiΓ. Ist es eine Frau auf Geburtstag? Was meinst du? Ist es eine Frau auf Geburtstag? Nein, das sind wirklich traditionelle Frauen. Traditionelle? Aus dem christlichen Sinn. They cook and they clean?
Yeah, yeah. Let's go science, though. You! Bollicules! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Math. Go! Da Vinci's Code! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wir sind dran. Schock mich, Alter. Schock dich mit was? Schock mich mit was. Was meinst du? Gib mir noch einen. Ja, verdammte EntschΓ€rfung. Nein.
In the Christian sense, that they are beautiful women. Probably 30 or 40 times in my life they've said, your boy is hot and you've never gotten that from me, so fuck off. That's not true. Name me one example when a girl goes, I think your boy is hot.
Oh girl, well no, okay. We have a lot of guys that like you though. The amount of men that have a crush on you is staggering.
I can tell by my Facebook. I'm on a Facebook, you know what I mean? Dating thing. You know how Facebook is a dating thing?
No, I have no idea. For old people?
Yeah, I think it's for old people. But it's like, there's also dating and social friends. So when I click on who wants to be my friend, it's 2,000 just buff, tattooed fucking dudes going, I want to be your friend. What's it called?
Facebook Date, huh? Dating Facebook. Yeah, it's a real thing. But you're celibate now. Yeah, 100%. No more. No more. No more dating, nothing. Nothing, I'm celibate. I would love to see a financial breakdown of you when you're dating and when you're not dating. How much money you spend on a dating month versus a non-dating month.
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Nein? Nein, ich will nicht ΓΌber Carlos' Examen hΓΆren. Ja, ja. Ich ging zum Arzt. Er sagte, ich muss von Leuten wie Carlos wegstehen. Das sagte der Arzt. Ja. Er sagte, ein groΓer Fan des Shows. Schau den Podcast. Bleib von Carlos weg. Weil er noch nie einen Tetanus-Schuss gehabt hat. Ja. In Jahren. Du bist auf.
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und sind ein guter Fit fΓΌr jede medizinische BedΓΌrfnis, die Sie haben. Sie haben einen klubben FuΓ wie Bobby. Du hast zwei klubben FΓΌΓe. Du hast zwei klubben FΓΌΓe. Zwei Klubben. Geh zum Klub. Und sie sind hochwertig von verifizierten Patienten. Das ist wahrscheinlich die hilfreichste Sache. Du siehst jemanden, einen echten Menschen, die sagt, das ist die Erfahrung, die ich hatte. Ich mag es sehr.
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ZocDoc.com slash badfriends. Talkspace. You know guys, as a kid I went through massive amounts of trauma and without my therapy through Talkspace, I wouldn't have been able to work them out like EMDR and literally talking to somebody about it. It really lifts all that weight from your body.
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Ich bin so lustig. Ich mache alle lachen. Du machst Lachen?
Ja. Eine Frau war so... Uh-oh, Hotdog!
Nein, nein, nein, ich mache das nicht.
Diese Frau schaute auf den Boden. Ja. Ist das ein Geist? Ist das dein GroΓvater? Und sie meinte, was redest du da?
Let's get in there, bud. Let's get in there, bud. I went to the Sherman Oaks Spearmint Rhino last night. At like one in the morning. I was so lonely. I was sitting, I was watching, you know how I keep watching Great British Break Off? So good. So I was season 8 again, right?
Du kommunizierst mit deiner fucking Familie?
Und sie meinte, das ist dumm. Ich mache Leute lachen. Dann ist es mehr enttΓ€uschend. Und ich sage immer, du weiΓt, ich werde dir einen Tipp geben. Sie meinte, ich habe nichts gemacht. Ich weiΓ, aber ich will dir wissen, dass ich bin. Ich gebe dir einen Tipp. In Bezug auf das Gyraten und so. Ja, mehr Gyrations. Ich liebe Gyrations. Ich bin in einer Phase, in der ich denke, dass... Ein paar Dinge.
Let's talk about that photo you sent me.
What photo? You never looked that happy with me. You with Bong Joon-ho.
Now you sound like him. That's how that feels. You know what it is? Bong makes you nervous, huh? He made me nervous.
Bring up that photo of him and Bong Joon-ho.
Okay, but can I tell you the embarrassing thing that happened? And I left early.
Did I tell you what happened? You called me on the phone and I was like, you should just go back. No, so I'm sitting there, so I'm with, you know, Scoot and Sosie.
Oh, you were with Saucy Bacon. Yeah, yeah.
And Scoot, you know, he was in, I forgot Scoots last name. He was in A Complete Unknown. Woody Guthrie. He played Woody Guthrie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Scoot's so talented, right? So Scoot and I, so I'm standing there with Bong. I'm going to get to a story. And then I take a photo with Bong. I meet his son. Everyone's super nice to me.
Und einer seiner Produzenten meinte, vielleicht benutzen wir ihn fΓΌr so etwas. Aber das wird nicht passieren. Aber jetzt kommt Scoot rein und ich und SoC backen ab. Wir reden nur zwischen uns. HΓΆrst du? Nein. Du hast mir das schon erzΓ€hlt. Ja, ich erzΓ€hle dir die Geschichte. So we're sitting there talking and then this director comes up. I'm going to tell you who it is. Say it.
She told me who was the director. I didn't even know who he was. So he walks up and he goes, and I forgot what it was, but he goes, I love you in Dilithium or something like that to me. I go, oh, thank you. You were good in Dilithium. And he goes, so then he goes, my daughter especially likes your performance in that. You know, you're really good. Und ich so, oh ja, gut.
Und so lege ich mich hin und nehme einen Taco von jemandem mit einem Tray. Und dann sagt Sose, was ist er so nervΓΆs? Ich sage, nichts. Der Direktor ist noch da. Und sie sagt, war es Live-Action oder Animation? Ich sage, Live-Action. Und dann sagt der Kerl, nein, es war Animation. Er sagt, du warst nicht in dem, warst du?
Und dann sagt er, warum lΓΌgst du? Ich sage, ich weiΓ nicht, was noch zu tun. Er geht weg. Sosy ist rot wie ein... Du hast nichts falsch gemacht. Ja, ich habe es gemacht. Ich war nicht in Dylithium oder so. Ja, du warst in Dylithium. Ich konnte nur sagen, du hast es falsch gemacht. Aber warum habe ich gesagt, ja? Weil du warst in Dylithium. Ich war nicht. Er erinnert sich nicht. Ja, anyway.
Und dann war es so wΓΌtend. Ich und Sosy. Und ich wurde wΓΌtend. Ich war so wΓΌtend. If you hadn't asked if it was live action or animation, right? Let it go. I grabbed to get a taco from the thing. That was your out. She said, I didn't read it. I go, yeah, you should have. You should have. You fucked me.
And I'm like, I know who gets, you know, every episode I know who gets, you know what I mean, the star baker, I know who gets, you know what I mean, let go, I know who gets the handshake. I was sitting there and my penis was out. At Great British Break Off? No, I was watching it, I was just naked. Yeah. And I'm sitting there slumped over watching it and going, Yeah, I'm going. You gotta go.
But also, who asks if it was live action or animation? Who gives a shit? She buried you. Because she was nervous, too. Because she knew that you weren't in Dilithium. That's why. She knew your credits. She goes, Bobby wasn't in Dilithium.
I wonder what it was called. Maybe I'll text her. Anyway, so I'm... This is more remarkable. This is more remarkable. Can I tell? Yeah. So, you know, these... Gott, Alter. Es ist Ozympie. Ich weiΓ, ich weiΓ. Es ist Ozympie. Es ist nicht Vomit. Ich weiΓ. Es ist nur pure Vomit. Ich weiΓ, aber es ist PTSD. Es ist Vomit Air. Ja, von oben. Ja, ja, ja. Ich habe es verpasst. Ja, ich habe es verpasst.
Also, was ich sage, ist, dass... Gib mir die Chills. Also, manchmal werde ich zu Fancy Asian Events eingeladen. Ja. WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Du machst das. Mafia-Schiss. So wie das. Ja, so wie das. Das ist Mafia-Schiss. Also, ich gehe zu diesem Event. Dieser koreanische Kerl... Super nett. Er kommt zu mir und sagt, du bist ein Legend. Das ist, was er zu mir sagt.
Schucks. Das ist, was ich sage. Schucks. Er sagt, ich bin in der Hochschule mit deinem Sohn Andrew gegangen. Und ich sage, oh ja? Aber nicht in der gleichen Klasse. Er sagt, nein, in der gleichen Klasse. Oh cool. Und er sagt, ich weiΓ nicht, ob er mich kennt. What the fuck?
I know, but that's what he said. He goes, I don't know if he remembers me. Remembers me, yeah. But I go, well, how close were you? He goes, um, we were on the same basketball team. We played basketball together. Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. Doug. Doug, right? Doug Schuck. Yeah, and I go, well, has Andrew reached out to you since you've been in LA? He goes, nah.
Nein, und dann hast du gesagt, hast du ihm rausgekommen? Und was hat er gesagt? Du bist in der Position der Macht. Du solltest rauskommen. Zuerst einmal, er ist ein sehr mΓ€chtiger Produzent in Hollywood. Du hast es mir selbst gesagt.
Er ist einfach mΓ€chtig geworden. Okay. Okay. Du verstehst nicht, was ich sage, Dude. Sieh, das ist... Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein. This is not Trump.
What you don't understand. What you don't understand. You could reach out to Doug Suck. You should be reaching out. Why aren't you reaching to Doug?
Is it because he's Asian? Can I ask you guys this though? Are there positions of power? Zum Beispiel, als ich an diesem Event war, ging Bong zu mir.
Das ist nicht so, wie ich es gesagt habe.
Ich weiΓ nicht, was ich da tue. Alter, es ist so gut. Ich schwΓΆre, ich habe keinen Bock mehr. Es funktioniert.
Du machst Trumpian-Schiss. Du fliegst einfach weg. Sie gehen zu mir. Weil du diesen Mann so schlecht behandelt hast.
Nein, das ist eine LΓΌge. Er hat mich literally angerufen und Bobby hat gesagt, ich habe ihn gefragt, hast du mit Andrew gesprochen? Er hat gesagt, nein. Und er hat gesagt, ich habe nicht wirklich getroffen. Er weiΓ wahrscheinlich nicht, dass ich hier bin. Das ist literally, was er gesagt hat.
Aber nicht wΓΌtend ΓΌber das nΓ€chste Teil. Bitte nicht wΓΌtend ΓΌber das nΓ€chste Teil. Und ich will nicht, dass das ausgeschlossen wird, Andreas. Weil, weiΓt du, manchmal muss die Wahrheit gesagt werden. Ja, sag die Wahrheit. Sie sagt, oh, was macht er da? Ich sage, ich glaube, er produziert Minori, den Steven-Yun-Film. Und dieser Kerl sagt,
As if to go... Maybe I didn't... Is that what I said? This is really good of you lying. I'm really not done. I go, he produced Minori? And then you go, I don't know, man. I had to fucking look it up. I don't fucking know. So then I looked it up going, he did? That's wild. Yeah, but when he did, he went... The tone was this.
I went in there and there was only four people working. It's almost as if it was not even open.
Maybe he reached out now. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, dude.
Let's move on. I thought, that's interesting that he produced Minority. Do you hear that?
No, my point is, you are wrong. My point is, I didn't know he was a producer.
Ich bin hier seit Jahren. Keine Verbindung. Wir waren nicht Freunde. Wie bist du nicht Freund mit jemandem, mit dem du auf einem Basketball-Team bist? Meine Hochschule hatte 3.000 Leute. Es gibt 3.000 Leute auf einem Basketball-Team? Was fΓΌr ein Basketball ist das?
No, it was 1 in the morning I said. You don't listen, do you guys? I've been at 4pm before. I can't tell you why.
And you're not even fucking real. You're not even a good friend now. Anyway, let's move on. Let's move on. Exactly, thank you. Tony Matusi, look up Tony Matusi. What's his phone number? Bring in his phone number. I want to see the last time you texted with him. I don't need to text him, he lives in my house. In a spare room. Anyway.
Let's calm ourselves for a second. I want to be the voice of reason. Okay, and I want to calm this level down.
No, see, I need your attitude to be different.
You know what I mean? The streets thing. So, what I want to say is, stop, calm down. I'm from the suburbs.
How come you didn't connect with this guy from high school from 25 years ago? We don't fucking know each other. I don't know anybody who went to high school. I know three people from high school.
Because you weren't friends with certain kinds of people in high school. That's true. Can I ask you another question?
Without anger. How many Koreans were at your school in high school? Ich weiΓ es gar nicht. Das ist richtig. Eine gute Anzahl. Er wusste es nicht. Es waren mehr Schwarze und Indische. Er wusste es nicht, weil er es nicht mag. Es gibt 62.000 koreanische Spieler in Chicago. Das ist nichts. Er hΓ€tte es nie gekannt. 62.000 ist nichts.
Das ist richtig. Es ist wie eine Anomalie. Also, wenn es einen Unicorn auf meinem Wrestling-Team gΓ€be, wΓΌrde ich den Unicorn kennen. Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know unicorns. I used to be friends with unicorns. They're the greatest of corns. So if you have one Korean on your fucking basketball, how many Koreans play basketball? Almost none. It's like having Doc play fucking badminton.
What are you doing at 4pm in a strip club?
Yeah, maybe. That's my point. If the one Korean of all of Illinois played basketball, you would put that ingrained in your mind. He's not even Korean. That's the worst part about him.
About 20 years ago there was a group of comics, male comics, that would go on lunch runs.
And that's why you don't know him.
I get it. Doug, if you're listening. He's not.
He's producing Minori 2. Okay. Anyway. Doug, good to meet you. Maybe we can do some work together.
Yeah, Doug, how come you didn't reach out to me, buddy? You come to my fucking city, you don't reach out to me? Ich weiΓ nicht, es ist Power-Dynamik, aber wir gehen weiter. Was ist Power-Dynamik? Oh Gott.
Du magst Power. Ich liebe es. Ich liebe, was du tust. Oh, das ist dieses Art von Episode. Wir haben das noch nie gemacht. Das ist das, was du tust. Du liebst Power Dynamics. Wenn ich dir was beibringen muss, muss ich dir was beibringen. Was ist mit Power Dynamics? Ich war in Dallas ein paar Wochen vor. Ich ging zu einem ZwΓΆlf-Stepp-Meeting. Es war ein lokaler Meeting.
Nachher trinken Leute drauΓen. Ich sagte, hey, mΓΆchtest du eine Freundschaft? Das ist das, was wir machen. Wir sind alle zu einem Denny's gegangen. Me and these local AA people.
Oh yeah, Lunch Runs to the Trip Club. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, there wasn't. It was late, right? And then I got the bill. And they were all like, hey, dude, there's eight of us. I go, I know power dynamics. They go, we don't know that. I go, yeah, it's like, I had to give them this example.
It's like when you take eight other addicts to a Denny's after... No, no, no.
Can you just listen to my point? That's what it is. So if I go out to eat with David Spade, I have never paid.
It's just the power dynamics of the situation.
Good wings, yeah. I love the prime rib. You know what I mean? When they're naked up there and you're eating prime rib, dude. Oh my God.
Every time I offer, he says no.
I just hand her my card before he can.
Okay, well, you're ruining the power dynamics.
So you don't understand the concept of power dynamics.
You believe in equal pay. I'm gonna do it too. Okay, well, McCone, after this, let's go to Mastro's and you pay for the bill. He can now. He can afford it. No, he can't. Yeah, he can. Would you be able to afford $500 to pay for all three of us?
Aber es wΓ€re eine Sache in deiner Meinung, warum ich bezahle. Genau. Aber du musst lernen. Nein, es geht nicht um Lernen. Du musst lernen. Du musst bezahlen.
And that's the America I love. Work harder.
You're his boy for life and I get it. Okay? I get it. Let's move on now because I'll tell you. We went from Grease to Doug. To Power Dynamics. We went from Grease to Doug and it was too much. So let's go back to musicals. That's fine. Okay, we don't like it. And there's some movies that I have not seen that were classics. Das sind Musiker. Nein, im Allgemeinen, wie Eyes Wide Shut.
There is nothing better than seeing a nice pair of boobs and having potatoes au gratin. Yeah. With a little bit of filet, a little filet on the side.
Ich habe es noch nie gesehen. Was? Das ist ein bisschen seltsam.
Ist es gut? Warum hast du das nicht gesehen?
Ich habe es noch nie gesehen. Das ist ein guter Film. Ich mag Masken bei Partys. Nein, nein, nein. Ja, ja. Ja, du machst es. Ja, du machst es. Covid-Masken? Ja, ich will nicht krank werden.
Okay, no, that joke really hit me at home. It hit. Because it was good. It worked. It did work. The kid's got some zingers. He got some zingers, but it was real brutal.
Well, hit him back. I won't, because that's not who I am. That's not who I am. What? Power dynamics.
You don't punch down. You don't punch down. You only punch up. But that was very funny. Eyes wide shut. Okay.
Fancy is looking good, by the way. Not the hair.
I think it does look good. And also... Just wait. Just wait for me to be the hottest man on the show.
But you know, we know the genetics. So you can do whatever you want. Put Botox, fill your head. So you don't think he's a handsome guy at all? No matter what he does? He's sort of like a UN kind of a look.
Yeah. But last night I went and I literally was like, I just left. Wie viel Geld verwendest du, wenn du... Ich glaube, ich habe 200 Dollar mit den Tickets gekostet. Und ich habe nicht mal die Frauen gesehen, sondern ich habe sie auf der BΓΌhne gesehen. Und ich habe mich ΓΌberlegt, oh, das ist nicht gut. Nicht gut. Ja, also bin ich zurΓΌck in den Auto gegangen.
WeiΓt du was ich meine? Nicht nur der Hauptmann im Kreis.
In der Embassy, aber er ist die fΓΌnfte Reihe von Leuten, die Noten nehmen. Du bist nicht ein Leiter, aber du bist involviert. Du verdienst wahrscheinlich 90.000 Euro pro Jahr international.
Kanzler. Ja, Kanzler. Kanzler, heute mΓΌssen sie diese ParkplΓ€tze anmelden. Er macht viele Papier-Pushes. Hey, they found this mummy with gold.
Look up... Oh, we gotta talk about Giza, too. What about the Giza?
No, Giza. Huh? The Giza Pyramid.
Wait, wait. You don't know what happened?
Do you guys know what happened? No. Are you fucking out of your minds, dude?
Google it. What happened in Giza? The pyramids. Did they fall? No, dude. Oh, the under... Yeah, the under. The under.
It is true. What is this? A vast underground city was found below Egypt's Giza Pyramids. Look at the pillars. Surprise, surprise. Look at the pillars, though. Do they look like 9-11?
Alright. So what they discovered... Zoom into that photo. There's two mile long these fucking tubes that go down with these spiral staircases that go down into other compartments two miles down. Two miles? Two miles down, dude. Google that. Two miles. Go to the article so I can read it. It's in kilometers. I don't know the... Oh, two kilometers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many miles down is it?
Okay. Speculating an entire city buried under the great pyramids of Giza. Speculating. Right. Okay. A team of Italian and Scottish scientists? I'm out. No, no. Okay, zoom back up. There has to be a city underneath the Giza. I mean, come on.
No, that's very funny. The Italians? You're very good at accents. So this is what they discovered. What is that? They have technology where they have infrared technology where they can scan things. And this is what they're scanning. The technology is legit. Go to the article, please.
Wie viele Tickets hast du? 20 oder Singles?
420 miles above the, wait, the team relied on two satellites 420 miles in outer space to come down. Go down, I want to see how far down they go underground. 6500 feet across. They go down approximately 2100 feet. How much is that? 2100 feet is just under like a half a mile. Okay, I was wrong. Half a mile is long. Dude, half a mile is so long. It's so long. That's so fucking deep.
Warum? Du denkst, ich bin teuer?
2,000 feet underground is insane.
Right. And then below that, though, are these other buildings.
Dr. Zahi Hawass, a prominent archaeologist.
He's my favorite doctor, by the way.
Well, you're not going to like him after this. Former Minister of Antiquities called out the research, said it was completely wrong and was fake news. I don't like him. He said it's not correct.
One guy. Ich meine, Rogan spricht darΓΌber und er ist meistens richtig.
Ist er? Professor Lawrence Connors, ein professioneller geophysiologischer ArchΓ€ologe und Radar-Experte, hat die Theorie der groΓen Stadt unter den Pyramiden verabschiedet. Das ist nur eine groΓe Γberzeugung. Also, viele dieser Leute sagen Nein, Nein. Okay. Aber ich glaube an dich. Also, wenn du mir sagst, dass es da ist, glaube ich, dass es da ist.
Nein, aber ich tue viele Singles.
Well, I've been doing a lot of researching on my own time. You are? Yeah. Via through the internet. Right, via the internet. Right, via the internet. And I've come to a conclusion. I believe that it's half correct at least. Would you ever live in an underground city? I have dreams about it.
Also ich tue etwa 40 Dollar Singles in einem TΓ€nzer.
Oh my God, I think about it all the time. Yeah. I have dreams about it.
Wie Goonies das Wasserfall gefunden haben, ich wollte das so sehr. Ich auch. Was hΓ€ttest du da unten?
It would look like above ground, you mean? Above ground. So I would have panels, right? Like, you know, IMAX. Tricking people into thinking they're out there. To think that it's outside. Because I'm going to have dogs down there. Right? So I'll have my dogs down there. Can they survive? Yeah, because it's going to be vast.
You're going to have grass underground? Yeah. How do you grow it?
And, um... It's a great band. Thank you.
Yeah. It's very dark, gothic. Very gothic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what else... Yeah, I would also have, um... Wie in einem Steam Room Situation. WeiΓt du was ich meine? Was? Ja, ja.
Yeah, but I want them to know that there's more coming. If you throw out a 20 and then that's what they do, you're like, oh, you can't go past that. So if you go 12, right, and then you look at them and go... Then they go, what? In their eyes, right? And I go, you want more? Right? A little more? Dann machen sie das und ich sage, es sind noch zwei. Und dann legen sie den Kopf hinter den Kopf.
Kann ich dich fragen, warum machen wir das unter dem Boden? Es kΓΆnnte ΓΌber dem Boden sein. All diese Sachen kΓΆnnten ΓΌber dem Boden sein.
Weil ich in meinen Fantasien etwas falsch gemacht habe. Okay. Ja, ich habe etwas falsch gemacht auf der Erde. Du bist ein Mann auf dem Weg. Ja, ich bin ein Mann auf dem Weg, aber ich habe Billionen von Dollar in meiner Fantasie. Also bilde ich diese unter dem Boden Stadt. So viel wie Lex Luthor im originalen Superman-Film.
Wie kriegst du Leute da runter? Wie ΓΌberzeugst du Leute, da runter zu gehen?
Ich bin da runter. Ich habe Hunde da runter. Du bist allein.
Ja, ich habe einen Lama, einen Hund. WeiΓt du was ich meine? Andere Dinge.
Hey, Cubs. Hey. What do you think? Do you think that the polar ice caps are actually melting like a surprise? Right, yeah.
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What's your dog's trigger word? They don't understand any of my words. Really? Yeah. Stop, they don't know. No, they don't know. They don't know any of it.
It's funny. Yeah. My dog is insane. If I say, your boyfriend is coming this weekend, she knows it's my cousin. It's my cousin Luke that comes and watches sometimes. I'll go, I think your boyfriend is going to be here this weekend. She'll be dead asleep. And I'll go, I think your boyfriend might come by.
Nein. Ich vertraue Luke nicht. Ich bin so gespannt. Nein, er ist der Beste. Oh, er ist, oh ja.
Sie springt runter und stΓΌrzt aus dem Fenster, als wΓΌrde er schon da sein. Oh, mach nicht das.
Das ist verdammt. Du musst sie an den Beinen halten. Ist jemand da? Nein. Nein, ich habe nur einen Kaffee getrunken. Okay. Ich habe eine Frau-Stimme gehΓΆrt.
Hallo? This thing might be haunted, this studio.
Because I've been in here sometimes, working after hours, and I just feel an eerie feeling in my stomach. I understand. Somebody was killed here. I understand. But whom?
It's not old enough to be haunted, I don't think.
This building? Yeah. 88, built in 88.
You don't think people die in the 80s? Ich denke, Hauntungen dauern immer. Ein Geist aus 1989, der einfach Coke trinkt. Ja, vielleicht.
Er macht so... Ja, ja, vielleicht. Was hΓΆrst du noch am Abend?
Zu Hause? Ich hΓΆre es zu Hause.
Das ist, was ich tue. I'll be sleeping. And I'll take my phone, put the light on. You know what I mean? The light. And zoom my room.
See, that's creepier to me. Because then the shadows from the nooks and the crannies... I know, but if I saw a woman like this... I don't know. You're like, Lady, I'm celibate. You gotta get out of here. What is that? Orbs? Ghost orbs. Dude, I've seen orbs. I've seen orbs.
Und dann, weiΓt du was ich meine? Was ist das? Pressen Sie den Elevator-Button?
Oh, you know what? Orbs, dude? I'll tell you about orbs. You want to know everything about orbs? I don't know much about it, but so there was a comic named Charles Fleischer.
He was before your time, but when I did the, in the early 2000s, he was around a lot. And he was the voice of Roger Rabbit.
Yeah, so Fleischer, so Fleischer would be in the green room, in the main room, and he'd have his cameras out, several cameras, to fucking take photos of alien orbs or different ghostly orbs. Whoa. And he would show me like, hey Lee, look. He always called me Lee. Look, Lee. Lee, look, there's orbs in here. Und wir dachten immer, dass es ein bisschen ungesund war, weil wir gleich aufstehen werden.
Es ist wie ein Klett, ein Klett drΓΌcken 8 auf einem Elevator. Ich nehme es hoch bis 8? Ja, ich nehme es hoch bis 8 und er sagt, 8. Und dann versuche ich, hoch zu gehen. I always do. I always pretend I'm going up, right? Bring, and then the door opens, I go, oh, wrong floor. Press it again. Oh. And they press 12, right? Right. I go back up, you know what I mean?
Ihr seid gleich auf der BΓΌhne? Ja, ja, ja. Und der Fleischmann... Aber er war wirklich in das. Ist er noch da? Ja, also er war ein Teil von dem... Oh, ich fΓΌhle mich so schlecht ΓΌber das.
Nein, er ist wach. Er ist wach, nein. Warum sagst du nicht? Ja, er war ein Teil von dem Grupp, als Adam Egan ΓΌberging. Und er hat das fucking brutal... WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Clean House.
Das ist verrΓΌckt. Und es brach so viele Menschen's Herzen.
Ich denke, als Booker musst du das tun.
Das ist der Grund, warum Leute immer Booker und Loser hassen, weil sie all das Gruntwerk machen mΓΌssen. Wie diese Jungs. Sie machen all das Gruntwerk und wir hassen sie.
Du musst unser Filter von Neues sein.
KΓΆnnen wir kurz ΓΌber Adoleszenz sprechen? Ich weiΓ, du kannst, aber... Unglaublich.
I've heard this. I heard about the rehearsal process. It's insane.
Yeah. Never done anything before.
What the fuck were we doing at 13? I don't know. Oh, Stephen Graham's in that. I love it. He's incredible. He wrote it, right?
Yeah, he's incredible. Brad Pitt produces it.
That's Brad Pitt. No, that's the kid. Actor Jamie... Wait, wait. Owen Cooper.
He's never done anything about this? Good for him. It's nice to get a break out the gate. Just like us. That's what we had. Big breaks.
Each episode is literally one shot. And I don't think there's any cheats. I think it's one shot. They do two takes, I heard. No.
No, no, it's one shot, they do two takes.
Ten takes, yeah, so two shots a day. They do two shots, right.
Sie wΓ€hlen es. Ja. Okay. Sie kΓΆnnten es nicht in einer Stunde machen. Das wΓ€re verrΓΌckt. Das wΓ€re unmΓΆglich. Wir kΓΆnnten es machen. Ja. Oh, also es gibt immer diesen einen Mann, der 30 Minuten lang ist, der zwei LΓ€ufe hat. Wenn ich dieser Mann wΓ€re, wie hinter einem Wall, weiΓt du, dass ich kommen musste.
What's Yagsi Yabor? Yagsi Yabor is my friend. He's from Israel and he's dead. Oh man. I'm just improvising. That's not a bad thing. That has nothing to do with the conflict. Yagsi Yabor, you are like your funny hat.
Das ist wahr, oder? Ich wΓΌrde meine LΓ€ufe wiederholen. You know what I mean? Welcome back to the hotel. Welcome back to the hotel. You making fun of the wrong Missy? No. Yeah, you're doing the wrong Missy thing?
No, I'm not. What do you know? I'm just throwing out a line.
No, dude, I was throwing out a fucking line. I don't know. What Missy thing? What are you saying? What are you talking about?
Fucking Marcelo did that too, Hernandez, two weeks ago. I love that kid. He's like, you've been in movies? Great job on Wrong Missy. Welcome to the hotel. So fuck you. What's his problem? Your problem. Anyway. Welcome to the hotel. Okay. But here's what I want people to know. I'm not going to tell you what the premise of the thing is. People basically know.
So it's like, you know, that kind of thing.
Do you get there ever, to your floor?
No, we know what the premise is.
But, you know, when I first saw it, because I knew nothing about it, I thought it was a whodunit.
No, I never do. You never get to your floor. Well, it's a large building. It's a big building. Tall building, dude. Es ist 3.000 Meter hoch. Wow! Ja, ja. Und ich bin noch nie zu 1.000. Nein, das kannst du nicht. Das kannst du nicht. Oh, du kannst es. Ein Wille. Okay. Ein Wille. Ich bringe eine VerΓ€nderung, wenn ich in den Strepp-Club gehe. Wirklich? Du trittst da Penner hoch? Nein, Quartiere.
Yes. Right. And with that lens, it doesn't work with that lens, right? But then when you look at it for what it is, it's brilliant.
See, it's interesting because now there's a lot of murder mysteries are back now. Like the Shonda Rhimes show is very popular. It's like Clue meets Knives Out. Right.
Das ist das, was wir tun mΓΌssen. Denn ehrlich gesagt, wie viel SpaΓ wΓΌrde es sein, wenn McCone tot war?
Ich wΓ€re zuerst zu ihm gegangen, aber es ist zu einfach. Du weiΓt, was ich meine? Er ist ein Verbrecher und du brauchst ihn. Er muss ein schΓ€dlicher Charakter sein, den du taggen kannst und sagen kannst, dieser Kerl kΓΆnnte es machen. Schau dir den Lebensstil an, den er lebt. Schau, was er ist.
That's interesting. Who does it at the end? Jules. Jules is too predictable.
Too predictable. McCone, no, you don't have the balls. And that's what we'll say.
You're the one that's dead. Yeah. How can you kill yourself? Oh, that's the whodunit? Hey. He just killed himself, guys. By the way, what a huge letdown.
The biggest letdown ever. That would be like the worst M. Night Shyamalan spin of all time. He's got a rope around his head and you're like, who's doing it? He's just sitting there jerking off like... Chokes himself out.
Alright, so this is what you need though in this, right? It can't just be us. We have to have like maybe 20 people flowing in and out of it. A cast of people, yeah, to come and go. Yeah, and then, I don't know who does it. I would think that maybe Jesse.
You think Jetski would do it? She's a tough sell for me. Like, she don't know if she has that evil flip.
So Dax have to be in the show. Yeah. He's somebody that people are like, maybe, you know, but I think ultimately the biggest surprise would be you.
I'm the murderer? Yeah. Now that lines up. You and I can't be the murderer. It seems too obvious. That one of us is the murderer. Bring in your brother Steve. Andreas? Andres also doesn't have the balls. He doesn't have the balls. He's a big talker, small walker. I have the resentment, though. Well, that's why you're a good suspect. That's how these things work.
Like any police investigator would be like, well, this guy fucking did it.
Yeah. For sure. Yeah, it would have to be someone like... Oh mein Gott, ich weiΓ, wer das gemacht hat.
Oh mein Gott. Meine Mutter. Bobbys Mutter.
Das wΓ€re der grΓΆΓte Schock. Ich glaube, du hast recht. Das wΓ€re der grΓΆΓte Schock. Du siehst mich in einer Wohnung mit einem Knopf.
Und dann entferne ich meine eigene Haut, um zu beweisen, dass ich Bobby-Mama bin.
Unterhalb. Das ist lustig. Und das ist ihre Linie. Sie holt sie aus.
Ich bin Bobby-Mama. Aber es gibt keinen Motiv. Keiner. Warum wΓΌrde sie McConaughey tΓΆten? Sie weiΓ gar nicht, ob McConaughey existiert.
Es ist egal, sie kommt einfach auf ihr iPad zurΓΌck. Oh, wow, wow. Ja, aber das ist der Art von Film, den ich mag. Vielleicht, ja. Lass es den Publikum finden, warum, was ist der Grund? Ja.
Oh, ja. Das ist sehr generΓΆs von dir.
Was ist das fΓΌr eine Tiefe? Und ich entdecke es. Du weiΓt es. Ich entdecke es am Ende. Ja. Und ich habe eine wirklich fucking Szene. Oh, du bist emotional.
Quartiere? Ja, ja. Na, denk dran. Du trittst einen Dollar hoch. Das sind nur vier Quartiere. Das ist wahr. Ich tritt 50 Quartiere hoch. Ich sehe aus wie ein KΓΆnig.
Do it again. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. Please do it. I'm not in the mood. Please do it. And the line is, welcome to the hotel. Okay, dude. Okay. You dug me earlier.
You dug me. Well, you dug me earlier. Yeah, yeah, I dug you earlier. Stop dugging me. Yeah, alright. That's good. I deserved it. Thank you. Okay. So, that's a good whodunit.
I think we should do a whodunit murder mystery.
Yeah. I really would love to. They are so fucking popular. Or a Nora 2.
Okay, and let me clear the air. Yeah. I actually didn't hate the movie. I just need more spins. You need to spin me out more. Emotionally thrust me. If you're going to give me a heartbreaking story.
Das ist wahr, aber sie mΓΌssen es holen.
Spin me around, baby. I wanted to see more. Also the Armenians in the movie. They're not even mean. Have you ever met a fucking Armenian? They were like, you've never met him? I'd take you to sushi right up the street. Yeah? It just was different. What do you got back that you're fuddling around with?
Oh, this is the old fairy donut and the gold. How old are these? They just got them today. Yeah, today. Today. Yeah, of course.
So you're saying they're not good.
No, no, no. Incorrect. We rewind the fucking tape. I said that I prefer an old school run of the mill donut shop. So do you have an old school donut too? Yes. Bring it out. Yeah, thank you.
Ja, du musst manchmal arbeiten. Es ist schwer, auf einem Stadion zu holen. They get the sweeper out. You ever seen the little sweeper? Yeah. What's the last time you went? I went to, I went, we went to Bandon Dunes with a bunch of buddies to go on the golf trip. And I went to this, look at the, watch how wild this is. Go to Bachelors Inn. No, no, no. Right. Type in Bachelors Inn. Coos Bay.
This is really good. And this is an old fairy donut and a holy grail donut. Yeah. Und welches hattest du? Winchels? Winchels. Winchels, fantastisch. Das ist genau das, was ich mag. Eine alte Winchel.
Ja, aber du wirst die Unterschiede wissen, wenn du sie in deine Mund legst. NatΓΌrlich werde ich das wissen. Nein, aber die dreckigste, nur um deinen Punkt zu beweisen, sagst du, oh, die dreckigste. Nein, nein, ich verspreche, dass ich nicht.
Okay, also gib mir eine, hast du eine Platte? Nein, wir brauchen keine PlΓ€tze. Gib mir einfach eine, die du denkst, das ist... Wann hast du eine Platte benutzt? Das ist auch sehr wahr.
Oh, also du wirst nur einen Biss nehmen. Es gibt kein SchlieΓen deiner Augen oder sowas?
Hast du den guten hier? NatΓΌrlich.
Nein, du hast nicht den mit dem fucking Passaggio. Haben wir einen Knife? Ja. Gib mir einen kleinen Knife. Oh mein Gott, du hast die schlechtesten.
Lass mich sehen, sind die wirklich so schlecht?
So that... But this is not proving my point. You got the worst ones there. No, but the quality... No, no, no, it's not, it's not.
Oh, I understand what he's saying. It's a control, like it's a scientific experiment. Yeah, like they're all the same. So what is this called?
No, but that's the point. The point is that I honestly believe that this isn't even fucking fair. If I look it up, No, no, I think you've... No, I... Dude, fuck you, dude. Fuck you, dude. Hold on. Hold on, dude. Yeah, hold on, dude. Hold on, dude. No, no hold on. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do it right now, dude. No holding. Yeah, fairy... So this is the holy grail.
It's just cinnamon and coconut.
Okay, so I look at the Old Fairy Donut list. Give me that one. These donuts are not on the list! You're a fucking liar! No, I'm not.
No, I'm not, dude, I promise. Beat him up. Kick his ass, dude.
Das ist fucking Winchell. Nein, ich will es probieren. Es ist Winchell 2. Fuck you, Dude. Ich werde ein Uber essen. Nein, nein, nein. Ich werde es jetzt aufschauen. Ich bin sorry. Fuck you.
Nein, nein, nein. Du musst es probieren.
Nein, ich mag es nicht, live zu sein.
Hier, guck dir das an. Lass mich probieren.
Oh mein Gott. Ja, also hier gehen wir. Okay, ich will nach Old Ferry gehen. Mal sehen. Der Donut. Mal sehen. Das wird ein schΓΆner Tag sein. Du. Ja, sie haben das nicht im Anliegen.
Nein. Okay, wie ist das? Nein, ich esse das nicht. Warte.
Lass mich dir etwas sagen. Ehrlich gesagt, schau mich jetzt an, okay? Ja. Hm. On my mother's life. Oh, this is an easy one. On my life. Harder. On my life. Is this from Old Fairy Donuts?
C-O-O-S. Coos Bay. Look at this fucking joint. Look at the parking. Look at the photos outside. Just get the outside of it. Just look at the outside of it.
Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... Ich... My point is... If you like it so much, you would know. And it's like, there's the PB&J one, there's the fucking Raspberry Glade, Lemon Poppy.
They don't have shit like that.
Winchels is great. These are all Old Ferry Donuts. Aren't they?
No, they're not. None of them are.
These are Old Ferry, right? Real. Are they right there? There they are. Okay. Those are the real deals. These are holy grail. These are holy grail.
It's pretty fucking crazy, dog. Okay, so, no, I'll tell you why, dude.
Okay? I'll tell you why. Okay? Listen, I'm a Michelin star. I work for the Michelin star. Right?
Wow. Wow. It's either there's a strip club or they're making like lamp fixtures in a factory.
Bro, someone at home, a fan, please draw him as the Michelin Man and submit it right fucking now.
Thank you. Alright. What I'm saying is, let's say I own a restaurant. I know the Michelin Star guys are coming. And then my chef goes, you know what, I'm just gonna go to Arby's and put those on the plate. And then they get no stars and they get nothing. That's my point. This contest is supposed to be real. To prove a point. But you're trying to trick my mind. And make me look like a fool.
Give me those. Alright, so this is your beloved What is this?
Okay, das sind die original geladenen. Und was ist das? Das ist die Pistazia. Das ist die Pistazia. Das ist die Pistazia. Das ist die Pistazia. Come get these, please. Because before I get so fucking fat, I'm going to pass out. By the way, it is hard to not continue to eat all these donuts. I do want to keep this one.
So you put in a donut break in it?
We're going to put the donut thing in there. That's what you're saying? No. I don't know where it's from. I don't trust it.
Look at that. You think somebody's ever been murdered there?
Yeah, whatever, dude. No, I don't trust him. Anyway, next time we do some sort of water contest or anything like that, no deception. Because I want to be able to fight for my right to be the right one.
Yeah, this isn't a comedy podcast, buddy. This is a food podcast.
Never again. Shall it happen. Get this out of here. Thank you. Thank you. We'll get back to something good in a second. We have to get back. Okay. Never again. You know what? Andres is the leader of all this. Yeah. Yeah, you are. You're the leader of all this bullshit.
Do you remember the dark night? This was my dark night. That was your dark night, yeah. That was one of my darkest nights.
Hold on. This is incredible. Joe Piscopo in a Miller Lite commercial. We got tagged on this. This was a Miller Lite commercial from 1987. For people that don't know, Joe Piscopo was a comedian. He was on Saturday Night Live.
No. In 87? Yeah. Yeah, didn't he die in like the 90s? Yeah. I don't know.
You know, sometimes there was like different... Remember the Joker?
A little bit. I can see some people get offended.
I would like it. Well, here's the problem I have with it. He does an accent for almost every line except for Mira Wright. He doesn't even do the funniest one.
The product is Miller Lite. The executives did that. Hey, Joe. Can you just... Yeah, yeah. You liking what I did on set? Yeah, but Joe, can you literally say Miller Lite? You're saying we're all right. Yeah, well, you guys drink me all right. I'm white. I'm just an executive.
Bane was there, by the way. Oh, he was?
Oh, Bane was there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I looked right into that sun. Don't do that. Okay, I know. My bad.
Yeah, in the next take I'll say it.
Yeah, yeah. So next time can you say, and action. Reach for a cold mirror, right? No, you did it again. Did I do it again? Yes. Wow, it doesn't sound like I'm doing it. Look at me right now, alright? Miller. Mirror. No, not mirror. Oh. This is not Snow White. Oh. Okay. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Do that!
Wow. Ibo Stepmother. I think if Disney's gonna remake all those movies, they might as well do it with an Asian accent. Speaking of that, thank you for bringing it up.
Thank you for bringing it up. Speaking of that, thank you. Do you remember that a couple weeks ago we talked about Snow White?
And he said he was gonna make a certain amount of money? I don't remember it. Yeah, he did. Who said it? Andreas.
I'll bet you a hundred dollars. He was wrong, I was right.
How much money has it made so far? Well, we looked, this is the problem, it's only opening weekend, right?
It's the worst opening weekend of any live action.
I was there. We made a bet, dude.
Wait a minute. You made a bet. Yes. Then you called him and told him to remove something from the show?
Because I saw a trailer in the movie theater and I go, oh my god, it might be good. It might be good.
So you were gonna look like a fool. I didn't recant it, right?
Yeah, yeah. I can bring my green hat. As the Riddler.
Make it out of the episode. You know how Disney makes their trailers all majestic and magical? Did you make him take it out of the episode? Yes. Yes.
Bets are off. You didn't stand by it publicly. So then the bet's off. That's crazy. You can't do that. And by the way, it was $100? Yeah. Okay, you owe him $50 then.
That's right. You owe him $50. You owe me something. Well, you owe him $50. You owe him half. Yeah, you owe me something. Okay. So it's only made, it made $42 million. What did it have? $88 worldwide. And it's a $400 million movie, which means what? Another... It's at $270 million. Nein, es ist ein 400-Millionen-Dollar-Film.
Mit all dem Geld, das drin ist.
Ja, ja, ja. Sie sagten, es ist eigentlich im Norden von 400 Millionen. Also mΓΌssen sie wahrscheinlich 700 Millionen machen, um... Oh, sie mΓΌssten fast ein Billion machen, um das zu sein, was sie wollen. Lukrativ, ja, ja, ja. Und es war... Ich meine, es ist schwierig, Live-Actions zu machen. Well, fucking yeah. Based on an IP that's already existed. You don't think it's hard?
When they bring me coffee, I make a little question mark. Yeah, to let them know. I do. Put foam in there, I'll make a question mark. Oh, the Riddler. Riddle me this better, man. But it's a dead industry. What do you think?
Ist Gal Gadot nicht in dem? Ja. Sie ist Maleficent.
Wait, wait, wait, time out, time out. What the fuck does that have to do with Snow White?
Because Rachel Zegler is pro-Palestine.
I've never heard this. And then, you know, obviously, Gal Gadot is Israel. Right, of course. But I don't think that, I think what it was, was a number of things. Is Rachel Zegler... Ist sie, was ist sie? Sie ist Mexikaner. Sie ist Mexikaner. Ja, ja. Also, ich mΓΆchte dir etwas sagen, okay? Es gibt ein paar andere Elemente dazu. Und ich denke, wir kΓΆnnen das einhalten.
Okay? Weil ich sehr klar darΓΌber bin. Ich wusste nicht, was die Israel-PalΓ€stina-Frage war.
Sie haben sich mit einander verarscht, offensichtlich. Also, die zwei Dinge, die sie verarscht haben.
Es wird immer freie PalΓ€stina sein, schreibt sie. Mai 20. Das ist Mai 1720. Das ist Mai 2021. Ja. Wow, das ist ein langer Zeit her. Sie haben das ein langer Zeit her geschaut. They shot this four years ago? No, it had to have been two years ago. I love you all so much. Thank you for the love and 120 million views on our trailer in just 24 hours. What a whirlwind.
I'm in the thick of rehearsals for Romeo and Juliet, so I'm going to get out of here. Bye for now. And always remember, free Palestine, she says. Rachel Ziegler, that was August 12th.
Okay, so, but I don't think that that was the main thing. There's two other elements. Peter Dinklage.
Peter Dinklage. He plays all the dwarves? No.
Das ist ein guter Wunsch. We talked about this.
No, it's all CGI now. After that. So those leaks weren't real?
Okay. We just saw an image of it two things ago. There they are right there. They're all CGI. Yeah. They're CGI.
They look, I heard the CGI is not good. Not great. Right. And then also Rachel Ziegler's comments about You know, it's not the 50s, you know what I mean? So we don't need a Prince Charming because women can, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? What? What can they do?
They can't be president, I'll tell you that.
I know, but they can, they don't need a Prince Charming to help them in their quest to save them.
And so what's the premise of this film?
I haven't seen it. No, I'm serious.
There's some controversy in it that I think bogged it down.
But it can't be the fucking Palestine, Israel shit, because people in fucking China that would see this don't give a fuck.
Du, ich denke, es ist lebendig und gut. Ich hasse es, zu ihnen zu gehen. Es ist immer mit einem Gruppe von Leuten und jemand sagt, komm, komm, komm. Und dann gehe ich und hasse es. Die ganze Zeit bleibe ich bei der Bar. Ich bin nicht interessiert. Ich mag das nicht. Es ist unangenehm. Es ist unangenehm. Ich mag es nicht.
That's what I'm saying. The billions that would be earned in other parts of the world don't concern themselves with that.
So it's got to be something else. It's got to be the buzz.
Well, the dwarves, the scared kids. Das sieht ein bisschen schrecklich aus. Ja, einige Kinder waren von dem gefreut. Und sie sollen es lieben. WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Lieben.
Oh, oh, das Dorf auf der linken Seite, ich kenne ihn. Wer ist das? Das ist nicht gut. Nein, nein, nein, ernsthaft, ich kenne ihn. Das Dorf auf der linken Seite? Ja, er hat einige Anforderungen gegen ihn. Oh, ich sehe. Das ist wahrscheinlich das, was das gemacht hat.
Und dann die dritte oder vierte Kontroverse ist die Argumentation von Menschen. Na, wie kann Rachel Ziegler der schΓΆnste sein? in that world if Gal Gadot is hotter.
If you say people are saying... People are saying Ziggler didn't do it for them. Did Gadot does it? So the movie, what do we think? This thing is gonna cost them. And she's doing Romeo and Juliet now.
Best Romeo and Juliet they ever made?
The soundtrack was, by the way, I had this fucking CD. That soundtrack was so good.
Look up the music for Romeo and Juliet. So good.
Romeo what? Plus. Yeah, Romeo plus Juliet. Right, whatever the fuck they wanted. That was so good. Look at the soundtrack. Look at this song. Here, zoom in a little bit. Oh mein Gott. Oh mein Gott. Oh, ich liebe Bottle Rockets. Und ich dachte, Mann, das ist der coolste fucking Job auf der Erde. Wie hast du das bekommen?
Und er war so, oh, ich war in A&R an einer Radio, ich meine, an einem Rekordlabel und blablabla. Und dann dachte ich, was, wenn ich das machen mΓΆchte? Und er war so, oh Mann, du wirst es nicht machen.
Du kΓΆnntest es machen, weil du eine groΓe WissenswΓΌrdigkeit hast.
Ich weiΓ, aber weiΓt du, was er gesagt hat? Du musst in den Musik-Welt gesuckert werden. Und dann sind sie so. WeiΓt du, was es ist? Es ist ein Job. Und das ist etwas, das du weiΓt, dass unser Publikum, es ist schwer zu beschreiben. WeiΓt du, was es ist? Es sind Loopers. Do you know loopers?
People that don't know what a looper is, when you watch a TV show and you just see someone in a bar, there's chatter in the background at the bar. That's not real from when they filmed. They have groups of people called loopers that go in every day to the studios and they do background noise, just chatter and talking to fill the spaces of television and film. And they make incredible money.
I'm not even fucking kidding. My old neighbor was a looper. And he made fucking a couple hundred grand a year, 12 years ago. And he would just go in every day.
Good movie, too. 180 grand to fucking go in every day, just talk in the background.
So I did something gross yesterday. I wasn't going to bring it up. I don't know why this just brought it up. Tell me if this is wrong. So I'm doing the last day of this movie. So I'm in makeup. Last day of the what? This movie I'm in. The last day? Yesterday was my last day. What's it called? New Year's Rev.
Yeah. R-E-V? Yeah. Who's Rev? It's short for revolution.
Okay, it sounds cooler with New Year's Rev. And this is the Green Day movie? Yeah.
And it's produced by Green Day?
Yeah, it was written by Lee and Lee Harvey Oswald? No. No, dude. But yeah, those are the kids. So it's them as, it's their story. The story is the story is three kids that were told that they were going to open for Green Day, but when they show up to the fucking Palladium, they were lied to. So they try to sneak in and try to get the opening gig still. And I play a security guard.
Yeah, I was like, I called you around midnight.
Yeah, and usually when that happens, it's an emergency.
That's not the point. Security guard? Yeah, shut the fuck up. I like security guard. Palladium security. Welcome to the Palladium. So I was sitting in makeup, right? I'm sitting in makeup and they were playing like just standard like rock, like killers, all that stuff in the thing. And I go, why are you playing this rock? They go, oh, I mean, we think Billy's coming in, right?
I go, you don't do that. And they go, what do you mean? I go, you gotta be cool. Gotta be cool. So I go, put some Brian Eno on. Mm. Right? Mm. Er kommt raus und sitzt da, richtig? Ich habe ihn schon erwΓ€hnt. Aber dann fange ich an zu sagen, ja, Brian Eno, er war der Keyboardist fΓΌr Roxy-Musik, er hat die ersten zwei Alben gemacht, er wurde sehr prΓ€zise.
Right? Like I can't make something.
I got sick or I got dizzy and I hit my head on the toilet. Yeah, something like that. And he goes, hey guy, have you seen Anora? And I go, no, I haven't quite gotten to it.
Ich glaube, ich habe mir vorgeschlagen, ΓΌber Brian Eno zu sprechen, um Billy zu machen, dass er ΓΌber Musik wusste.
Nein, er hat gesagt, ja, das ist richtig, das ist richtig. Und dann habe ich es aufgedeckt. Und dann, nachdem ich mit meinem Ding fertig war, habe ich einfach zu ihm gegangen und meine HΓ€nde in den Koffer gesetzt. Ja. So, what came first, you guys or Jawbreaker, which is another like three-piece, you know what I mean? Power, Power, back, back. Did he hate it?
I think so, he knew what I was doing, right? Yeah, yeah, I go, yeah, I mean, yeah, but you guys really, you know, you guys really did it, huh? He's like, why'd you bring up Jawbreaker? I was, I don't know, he didn't say that. I bet he was thinking.
In his mind, yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why did you bring it up?
You were trying to show off. I was trying to show them that I have some knowledge about music, that we can get some sort of rapport going. Although I've known them for many years, you know what I mean? But it's like, you know, I did little social things, right, that were gross in my mind at the time, but I don't know if anyone knew I was... It's not that big of a deal. It's not that big of a deal.
Can I get your line as a security guard? What's a line?
I have a lot of lines in it. What are they? Um... I mean, I could pull out my sides. You don't remember them? No, because... Ich meine, es ist okay, also, um, lass mich, okay, gestern war die Linie, um, Ich bin nicht verabschiedet, dass du reingekommen bist. Das ist das LΓΌgen, das ich mich darum kΓΌmmere. Du kennst nicht Green Day. Und dann kommt Billy Joel und sagt, hier sind deine Chats.
Hey, Billy Joel, du kennst diesen Jungen, oder? Und der Jungen sagt, und dann kommt Billy und sagt, oh, ich habe deine Demo gehΓΆrt. Verdammt groΓartig. Und in der Mitte ihrer GesprΓ€che bin ich traurig, weil dieser Jungen weiΓ. Also habe ich mich einfach verblΓΌfft. Ich spiele die Keys. Ich bin in einer Experimental-Jazzband.
I went to church with Keith Jarrett, which is a random thing, you know what I mean? And it was Otis Wong. Some people call me the Wong, you know what I mean? And he kind of drifts away. And then the kid just goes, pats me in the chest and he walks away. That was yesterday, one of the scenes yesterday. It's gonna be good. This is gonna be good. I hate that you did this.
What did I do? Did you read it just like that?
No, I was just trying to re-memorize.
I hate what you're doing right now.
I didn't do anything. I think it's going to be good. Bobby Lee? Am I even in there? Oh my god, McKenna Grace, Jenna Fisher, Mason Thomas, Fred Armisen. Damn, there's a lot of people in there. Angela Kinsley. Okay. Trey Cool?
I'm pissed. I was pissed. Yeah, he didn't like it. It's a two-hour, 20-minute movie. It's too... That's not that long. Dude, it's not a... This isn't like a murder mystery. It's not like a fucking drama. It's a long-winded story about a girl who gets taken advantage of. It's... Fuck, I couldn't do it. I heard it's like Pretty Woman. Pretty Woman was such a good fucking movie.
Well, the whole band is, obviously. Go all the way down to the last credits. That's where I'd be.
You'd be Matt Westphalen? I got a little bit of advice to Maurice Quintel Simmons. Yeah. Just do Maurice. Do you remember any of your lines from Dave? Oh, God, yeah. Tell me one. Dave, come on. We have to get back to making the album. The whole fucking show. Very good. The whole fucking show. Come on, Dave.
Stop goofing around. So it wasn't that embarrassing what I did. No, not even a little. It's something that people would do. No. Yeah. It's not as embarrassing as the Bong Joon-ho, the director thing.
I don't think that was that embarrassing. That wasn't? That's not on you. That's on that guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel like that guy owes me a job.
You know what he did? Yeah. He did a simple thing where you know when someone says like, oh, I've seen that thing that you did, da, da, da. And they're probably thinking of something that you did.
That's not what I'm thinking. You think he thought you were in that other... I think Jimmy O. Yang was on it and he didn't boggle the name.
No fucking way. You don't look anything like Jimmy O. If he liked that show or movie that much, you really think he wouldn't know who the fuck you are? I think he thought of something else and mistook the title for a thing that you did.
I loved you on Wrong Missy with that hotel line. Give me the line.
Welcome to the hotel. So good. You kill it. I can't believe White Lotus didn't call. You're a movie star, man. Ich habe immer ein Filmstar gewesen.
Du bist ein Filmstar. Ansonsten, danke, dass du ein schlechter Freund bist. Es ist alles kaputt. Du hast nicht das Pistachio bekommen. Wir werden dieses ganze Segment ausbrechen. Ich werde die Donuts zum nΓ€chsten Mal bekommen.
Wir schneiden das aus. Okay. Okay?
Keiner von diesen ist Winchel. Einige sind es. Nein. Diese.
Jag see ya more. Where have you been? You're gone for a while. You don't answer your phone. Jag see ya more.
Ich weiΓ. Ich kann es sehen. Okay. Und ich muss dir sagen, probier einen von diesen. Probier einen von diesen in dieser Box. Ich bin total seriΓΆs. Probier. Lass mich sehen. Das ist der Windschutz. Lass mich sehen, was sie haben. Lass mich sehen, welchen. Ja, probier den.
Okay. Verdammt schrecklich. Das ist so... Die Bratwurst. Die Bratwurst. Nimm den roten mit der Bratwurst. Ich liebe es, den roten zu essen.
That's a great movie, but is it the same premise of Pretty Woman? In a new age sense, I guess. Yeah, we love that old story. Yeah, but there's no gear. This kid isn't gear.
Oh my God, look at that twink. Who was the woman in Pretty Woman? Juliana Roberts. Right? Rudy Juliana Roberts? No, no, no. Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts. And Richard Gere. You got what I said.
Julia Roberts, Richard Gere. Come on, man. These are like... I call him Richard Gari.
Richard Gari. That was a good movie. Jason Alexander was it, remember?
I couldn't, oh yeah. Classic. I couldn't do this. It just was too long. It was sad. Okay. She shows, she gets, they're having sex in this movie no less than 20 times, but you can't jerk off because it's sad. It's sad sex? It's sad. Well, no, the whole movie's sad. But is it sad sex? No, some of it's fun. Well then, good, you can jerk off. I guess. She gets naked in it a dozen times. Really?
I mean, at least a dozen. Wow, I can't watch it. They got the Oscar. They did? She got an Oscar for it. You didn't like it, did you?
I hate you, dude. Bad taste in film. Jaime Garcia, you know, the guy that's on... My other one. Ja. Hey, Bro, it's a good movie. He literally thought it was a good movie. Look, a lot of people liked it. Is it simple? Because you and I are sophisticated. You and I are Cisco Ebert in the future. Thank you, baby. Yeah, we do triple thumbs. Triple thumbs up. Yeah, and toes. Up or down.
I don't know what I did. What did you like about it then?
Jag see ya more. I love the sand in your eyes. Yaxi, Yabor.
See what I mean? Put a Korean screen in the back. You can make anything vivid. It's vivid. Yeah, I could put fucking spaceships in the background.
Some movies are real. Have you ever seen fucking American Beauty, dude? Beautiful. Beautiful movie and real. You ever seen American Gangster? Real. Anything American.
American Honora. It's not what it's called.
It's not what it's called, buddy. Hier ist mein Ding damit. Ich verstehe, was du sagst. Ja, es war echt, weil sie echte Leute genommen haben. Aber das wird in der AktivitΓ€t oft gezeigt. Ja. Ja, es ist unangenehm. Ich will nicht Leute auf der StraΓe sehen, die nicht arbeiten kΓΆnnen. Du hast KΓΌnstlerinnen und KΓΌnstler, dann hast du normale Leute. Und dann sind sie so, ist das nicht groΓartig?
Und es ist so, ich weiΓ nicht, hire jemanden, der, ich weiΓ nicht.
There's a lot of movies that people have seen that tell me to watch it. Yeah. And I've never seen it. I just don't feel right. I don't feel right. Like, I've never seen... I swear to God, I bought it. Broback Mountain.
I swear, I've never seen Broback Mountain. I swear to God.
I know, I know it's good. I just haven't... Have you seen it? I haven't gotten around to it.
You know I wasn't going to see that. But why can't we? It's good, I heard. I don't like musicals. Dude, you don't even want to get... We've talked about this before. You don't want to get me started. I don't like musicals.
Can I say something about Greece? As a minority, this is minority talk.
It freaks me out when white people do gibberish. Ich gebe dir ein Beispiel. Ich bin ein Kind, in den Theatern. Ich habe es in den 70ern gesehen oder so. Ich sitze mit all meinen Kindern, Freunden. Schau dir das an. An der letzten Song. Wir gehen zusammen. Ich bin in den Theater gegangen. Es ist fucking, sprichst du viel, es ist DevilschΓΆpfung. Was machst du?
Ich mag es nicht, wie du normalerweise sprichst. Yeah, that's what you're doing. You do jibber jabber. You do jibber jabber fucking white shit, dude.
I don't like it. I agree, because it does come from some weird place. And no one's that happy. No one's that happy.
No. Everyone. No one's that happy. No black people? Well, that's why they're so happy.
All right. That's good. But my point is, okay, so I've talked about this before, but... This is Jersey, baby. Yeah.
Where is this supposed to take place again? Where is Greece supposed to take place? Yeah, where is it? That's actually... Oh, what do I mean? Don't they race in the Los Angeles Aqueduct? Aren't they in the LA Aqueduct at some point in that movie? Set in Rydell High School in Los Angeles. Right, because they go into the LA River.
What part? The car race. Is this Malibu? Like there's no black minorities? Not a single Mexican?
Yeah, not one Mexican in the movie. LA. LA, dude. That's supposed to be.
You got a raise from my girl, Sandy D. Yeah, yeah.
What? But there's a scene in it. I've talked about this before, but maybe we're not bad friends, but it's something that I need to, you probably won't catch it. Give it to me. I'm sitting there again. Before all the gibberish. I'm watching it, right? And there's the famous sleepover scene with the pink ladies. Pink ladies. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah.
And one of the girls goes, this is my boyfriend. You know what I mean? Doing this. This is my boyfriend doing this. And then she goes, this is my boyfriend in Korea. And they go, ooh, you're dating a Korean? And she goes, no, silly. He's in the Marines.
Ich habe das als Kind gesehen und dachte mir, fuck this. Fuck this shit. What is this shit, dude? That's the most racist thing. Show me that scene. Maybe I exaggerated in my mind. Because I think I did look it up. It's not that bad. But it's something like that. But it sounds like that. To me it sounded like that. And I remember the kids looking at me like, yeah, we're disgusting.
I'm on the same page. Because the men in red-headed film, always bad. The women. Lucille Ball, phenomenal. A queen. You know what I mean? But sexy. Huh? Sexy. Yeah, but I'm just saying like, Isla Fisher, all these red-headed women in television and film, they're praised. The men are always nerd, dork, squimp.
What about Gleason's son? The guy that was in Star Wars? What's his name? Oh yeah. What's his name? Who? Gleason's last name? You mean Brendan Gleason? No, his son. Yeah, but we don't even know. Yeah, he's famous. Yeah, he's very talented. And he did a love movie, too, where he was a romance.
What was that called? But he's not famous enough for it to be a thing.
Dude, he's so famous. What are you talking about? No, he's not. You didn't even know his fucking name. Last name, Gleason. Yeah, because of his dad. Okay, okay.
My point is, we've never had male redhead heroic representation. Ever. It's always a bit. There's the redhead. There's Pizza Face. Okay. Redhead-Moviestars. Look, they're all fucking women. Jessica Chastain, Isla Fisher, Bryce Dallas Howard.
Look at that, though. Not one guy. Carol Burnett.
All these are heroes. Did you put sexy, just in general, redheaded actors? It says movie stars. Redhead-Moviestars. Oh, my God. Let's go down the line. There's got to be one guy. Proof is in the pudding, dude. Dude, you're right.
Allison Hannigan, Rita Hayworth.
Thank you. Thank you. Ellie Kemper, Molly Ringwald. By the way, these are all beloved characters. Not one of these is a fucking guy.
But in Greece, if they would have said that... This is the greatest proof I've ever had in my entire life. It's a good point. Jesus Christ. In Greece what? In the movie Grace, right? Still, they used the Korean thing. They would never use red-headed.
Nein, nein, in Griechenland wΓ€ren sie weggegangen. Du bist mit einem roten Kopf, dann wΓΌrden sie sagen, Γ€h, und dann wΓΌrden sie sagen, nicht jemandem sagen, bitte. Oh.
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No, dude, I could have died. Because I fell asleep knowing that you were my garden angel and I could have died.
You're a fucking asshole.
Wow. I texted Rainn Wilson today because his was just devastated.
Yeah. It's awful. I texted Sebastian. His is fine. Oh, he is? Yeah.
Yeah, she's fine though, right? She's fine.
But, you know, Kalilah's sister's house.
Yeah, but her house is the only one that didn't burn down. Seriously? Yeah. They cried today because they bought their first house. They're in the desert, right? No, they're in Altadena. No, now they're in the desert. Yeah, yeah. And they cried because they were the only house standing. What they don't know is that for the morning last night, I took Fiji water.
You did that? I did that, dude. Why Fiji? Because it's my favorite kind of water and also they're Filipino, so I thought it was close. Right, it is near it. Yeah, yeah. My point is that I saved their house last night. Let's give it up for Bob saving the house. Anyway... It was... You're a hero. It was scary. Honestly, though, I don't know if... Because I would text your wife. Yeah.
So last night, what happened? You're saying garden angel? Garden angel, dude.
I go, what are you doing? And she's like, I'm doing... We were communicating.
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He's a garden angel, dude. He's a lawn gnome, dude. He is, kind of. So last night, when did you get in? I kept texting you on the flight.
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Last night... I texted Carlos because I was so tired. I go, I'm going to fall asleep, but just in case, if it gets out of control, I'm going to leave my bedroom door open. Hot. Yeah, and then wake me up. I have the bags packed. Get the cats in the cradle. Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon.
Never got one from her. I got one from Verzi. Adrian Ippolucci. Paul Verzi.
I got one from- Matteo. God. Howie Mandel.
Did you get one from Rosebud?
Thank God for Ronnie Chang. Yeah, I didn't get a lot.
Who else, Sam Morrell, I'm gonna text him right now.
I'm gonna go, Sam Morrell.
No. Yeah, you got it. Where are you going tomorrow?
Wow. Big, big, big moment. Big moment, dude. Sold out, I heard. It's sold out. Yeah, yeah.
It's incredible. What are you talking about?
What is the Phantom of Barbara about? I know. I've seen the posters.
Oh, yeah. I love dark and twisted. Tell me what it's about.
Well, I just see that photo right now and there's a black woman. I don't care if there is. Sounds like you do. No, I'm just, it's curious. Is it set in the South? Yeah. Is that racist? It's set in Alabama.
I saw Lion King. That was fun.
Remember when you tried to charm me? I saw a couple of them. I didn't like it.
And it's Newsome Falls. Yeah, yeah. So it's that mayor we have. Where are you going to...
You mean like do a better second season? Yes, we don't do. We almost. Well, I mean, Severance's should be good when it comes out.
On Severance? Yes. You saw it already? It's out already?
Well, the third one, you know who's in it? You? No. How are you not in it? I'm not Korean. I don't speak Korean. Yeah, you fucking do. No, I don't. I'll be able to say, where's the bathroom and pussy. I mean, those are the only words I know.
Yeah, where are you going, baby? She's done, dude. She's done, dude, right? Yeah. She's cooked.
Please. I'm not going to the course.
I'm going to go. So the Squid Game, can I just do a real quick review? Give me your review. What's surprising about it is I was fearful about redundancy.
Right? In your mind, you're like, okay, where can they go with this? Because they gotta showcase the games again, right? Yeah. But in terms of the angle and the different kind of characters that are in it, I mean, I really like the trans character in it.
Yeah, she had honor, dude. And you know what? They do have honor in life. All of them? All of them? The ones that I know have honor. How many do you know?
Be real? Yeah. Two? And they both have honor. They're so honorable. They're not honorless? They're not honorless. None of them lack honor? No. Yeah. They know who they are. They know who they are and they know what they're doing. Is that what honor is? Let's talk about A Complete Unknown 2. Such a phenomenal film.
It's phenomenal, but what I liked about it is there was a sigh of relief once I heard Timothee Chalamet talk and sing. Right. Like when he's... next to Woody in the hospital. Yeah. And he sings a song for Woody, right? And there's a part in the song where there's like a little bit of hold of a note in the song. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Like, Madam Mayor, have you got anything to say to the people of Los Angeles? You cut the fire department fund and all that stuff. And she kept it quiet. But last night, right? So I'm like, I fell asleep. I'm like, okay, Carlos asked me. This morning, he liked my thing. Which means that he had slept through it. So if my house is on fire, I'd be dead.
And he was just so committed and he sounds so much like Bob. And I began to cry because I'm like, I think he got it right. You cried in the theater? Oh, yeah. Wow. Ask Gene. Gene Hong would keep looking at me and I literally weeped. What's so funny?
Do another season, Gene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. All right. No. Because him and I had walked out of movies before. Oh.
But this one, we always do a little Korean glance at each other. What? A little wink. Yeah, to see if we're going to leave.
You know what I mean? So I looked at him, and I had tears in my eyes, and he was very pleased. Yeah, he's proud. Proud. And I used to work with this girl, Monica Barbaro. She's so good. Yeah, Joan Baez. She's so good. She's so good in that movie.
And the movie is. Carlos. Carlos, come on. She's very pretty, but.
I know. I know. It's so funny. Yeah. She's gorgeous. Yeah. But the movie was just great. And I saw. So good. Another one was gladiator too. You see it? I haven't seen it.
I did the unrelaxing one.
It's just like the lounge again. We're going to bring it back to the lounge.
This is what gaslighting is, okay? You have no fucking idea. Okay, if there's a light on- You think it's Cirque du Soleil, you fucking- If there's a light on and I tell a woman, I go, there's no light that's on, and I try to convince her that the light's on- Go get some gas. Yeah, so what I'm saying to you is that- You bring the gas. You bring up lounges and comfortable seats all the time.
How is that gaslighting? What?
What I love about going to the movie theater.
You love it. You love it, too. Anyone going to a movie theater, I want to let you know. I went to go see with my mom, Nostrofto.
I have my opinions about it.
You saw it? No. Okay. And what I love about going to the theater with my mom is she's so weird, no one approaches me.
My mom was laying down. Beautiful. You know when you wait in line to get popcorn? Just off to the side, she had just laid down because her back hurt.
How many calls did you get from Kalilah?
I know, and I was, me and my brother are just squatting next to her, like, come on, get up. How about this? Come on, get up, right? She's like, no, no, my back, my back, right? And we're just, and no one approaches us because they think, you know what I mean? They think it's either a family crisis or an emergency of some sort, right? But they don't approach.
I'm not an elitist like you.
A Simple Man is a Coen Brothers. Yeah, that's right. Stephen Park's in that. Yeah, it was really fucking tough. It's hard to watch?
It's about a man who... What's going on with him?
Does he snap? You can watch the movie.
So it's like falling down. I thought that movie was... Falling down. Dark. Very dark. Very dark.
There's no way that's going to happen.
Yeah. I thought Falling Down was the best representation of Los Angeles I've ever seen.
There's no way. There's a lot of things they should, like closing the windows when you're landing. What's that all about?
Because there was a scene where he's going on an off-ramp on the 101 or whatever. It's so traffic-y.
The tone of it, it just looks like L.A. to me.
Yeah, like it's such a great- Like you see Santa Monica and Western, like that kind of LA where it's like, it doesn't, you can't really see that in movies. It's sort of like, it kind of looks like Mexico.
You get a mixture of a lot of Hispanics and then you also get a mixture of like tourists that I kind of made the wrong turn. Chinese tourists.
I know why they do that. Why? So when it's on fire, you can't see. You can't see it. So no one panics? Yeah, so you don't panic, right? Here's another one. Tray table. Why does that have to- Be up? Up or down or whatever, whatever. Couldn't matter. Yeah.
Because us, me, you, and Tim Dillon were talking about we have to stay.
Yeah, we have to be the last one standing.
But what if I had a house that burned down? I have to get a building permit to rebuild my house? Of course you do.
Yeah. What are they going to do with these stars and stuff? It's not just stars, dude. I mean regular people too.
Fuck you. Cut that out. No, no, no. Please.
And that's why it has to stay in. No, all people. No, all people. Altadena.
Don't keep it in. No, I keep it in. I'm scared. It's fun. Stop. Please. Shut up. Yeah, you shut up, dude. Let them know who you are. No, I don't know who I am. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a good guy.
Also, can they do this? I called you two hours ago, right? Wow. Yeah. So they did an evacuation alert on everyone's phone. Two hours. Did you get that?
Who's the guy like, watch this, John. Beep. You know what I mean? And then the fucking, like who's in charge of that?
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Another one. Here's another one that drives me crazy. Give it to me. I feel like we're doing hacky road stuff. What is that? We're driving and flying. What is that, Seinfeld? Yeah. Not good? Well, you just did it. That was my dad.
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ZocDoc. You know, Guy, can I call you Guy?
Sometimes when I go to a restaurant, I'll read reviews. You know what I mean? I do some research. You do. But I do that for my health. And that's why I'm on ZocDoc. That's right. Okay. Am I too busy? These are excuses.
We're talking about booking in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, Andrew, from mental health, look at me right now, to dental health. I know. Okay? Primary care to urgent care. Look at me right now. And more.
Yeah, what's the deal with flying?
Anyway, another one is, some of you poor folk, some of you poor folk might not know this one.
Wait, how do you know? Why do I have to be surprised? Why can't you be surprised? Well, if you did any organization for this show whatsoever, then you could. Yeah, but I don't want the surprise. If you're not going to get a surprise.
Okay, I'm going to look at it now then.
I'm CC'd in it. It's Amazon. It says Dermacon.
It's for my nails. I have High Street Beast. What's High Street Beast? Clothing. Sick. Oh, shit. Yeah, sit down. What a prince. What a prince. Prince, look at the prince here, dude. Blesses us. Yeah, what happened to your glasses?
I want you to see if you can guess, all right? You can have the waist, right? But what else do they want in first class sometimes? What are you talking about? Have the waist? The waist seatbelt. Yeah. Right? There's another thing they tell you to do. Sit up straight? The shoulder one.
Yeah. Shout out Paul Lee. You want to wear the cans or do you need them?
This isn't your mom's house. As you got successful, your skin cleared up. Did I have bad skin? No. You almost have perfect skin now. That is so weird.
This is how good Jimmy is doing. This is how good Jimmy is doing. And I want to be honest with you. Your ex-girlfriends are girls I couldn't even get, I don't think.
Let's talk gospel and truth, babe. Right. Thank you. What I'm saying to you is that the girls, I've seen your ex-girlfriends. Do it like the gospel. Do it in gospel tone. Give me an example.
There's an aura. Brother? That's not true because the last party I saw you at, who was the aura? You. You were the aura.
You're the aura, my young man. I'll tell you why. All right? It's because we went to Awkwafina's New Year's party.
Right? And I came late. He came late. I came late with a woman.
I'm not going to do the voice. We walk in. Who was on the dance floor?
You were dancing like a little butterfly. I was trying. Okay, like a little Korean butterfly, right? And you were the flame. We were the moths. No, no, that's not how I saw it.
Keep complimenting. Jimmy, let me start, right? And I remember me, Gene, Dom, we all went to you. You didn't come to us. We came to you on the dance floor. We took a photo with you on the dance floor, which means you're the light, right? And we're the moth.
He's always with the whites.
No, but okay. I'm going to ask you a question. There you go. Mark Zuckerberg.
It's always white girls on Raya that I match with. You know what it always says? What? In common with Jimmy O. Yang.
It says it right there. I see it. Come on. Damn, dude. Do you know her?
Come closer. You do know her? He does. I do know her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What? Let me see this girl. Ex-girlfriend? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. How do I see her photos? I'll show you. That's hilarious. Wait, Bobby, did you talk to her? Well, I forgot to read the Jimmy Yang part, so I did say hi.
That's like, you're in. And Jackie Chan. I know. I understand that. I'm not exaggerating. I swear to God it is, right? But this is what I find. Because, I want to say this. One time, I saw you.
What? Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me look, let me look. Fucking hot, dude. Hot, dude. So one time you were at the improv, this was years ago, and you had a girlfriend, right? Uh-huh. She dressed in an Asian thing.
Really? Yeah, and then she also had, her purse had like pearls in it, but it looked like, you know, the green JD, you know what I mean? It looked like an Asian bag. For real? Yeah, so I'm wondering, with this girl, I think you are the influence. Once they meet you, they become more Asian. And then now, you mean it opens them up to our market. That's, you know what? Let's put that out there.
Once you go yellow, you find yourself another Asian fellow. I think that's what it is. That's it. You're the opening. I've felt that too where I've gated a white girl and you go to their house and you go, oh yeah, they're prone to us.
Dude, that's a good point, dude.
yes yes they're aware yeah there's like a poster of like Mulan or something Naruto anime yeah and then there's like you know a lot of bamboo and bonsai trees those Chinese stress balls yeah those stress balls yeah yeah George has those at his dinner table 100% um
Some of them are not. And you've seen them, have you not? I think so. I think so. They just won't. They won't do it. What are you talking about? Some white girls, they just won't cross that line.
Why did you say it like that?
Write a letter to Karen Bass, dude. Dear Karen Bass. Yeah.
Are you fucking telling me that you and I are on two completely different categories? Yes. Yeah, so tell me what the category I'm in, Jimmy.
The fucking seatbelt sign's on, right?
That's the glory hole king, baby. It's getting around, right?
I get it. I've accepted it. Right. I'm not fighting against the- Because I've seen beautiful women with you. Yeah, no, but what I'm saying is that I have to say that he's still in a different category. Yeah. Yep, so are Carlos and I. But when we get casted, we're in the same category. That's my problem.
You guys are no fucking... So I was up for the Joe Coy part. Did you do that part?
Me too. Literally every flight. So I get up, right? And the stewardess goes, what do you call them? Flight attendant goes.
No, there was a part that he said he had written for me that I got offered. I couldn't do it because I was doing Borderlands.
But I've also been in other situations where Jimmy O. Yang got the part and I didn't get it. But that's just because it's... But it was for the same part was I'm saying that he beats me out.
You have to sit, right? And I go, but you're standing. Yeah. Cirque du Soleil.
I mean, Jimmy's 37 years old.
I understand that. I understand that. I know we're different. Yeah, he's Chinese. You're right. Do you know what I mean? I take that back. Thank you. I'm older. Also, be nice to the Chinese. I love the Chinese.
Oh, you think that I... What's the high horse?
Everywhere. Oh, no, here. Everywhere. Baskin Robbins. It doesn't matter where it is.
I mean, you guys are the ones that we go, oh, my God, there they go again. I can't support that stereotype.
Look at all those people skipping in line. They're all skipping somebody. Or what are your qualms about Chinese? My qualms? Yeah. Is that a Chinese word? What's qualms? Is that a real word? Yeah, qualms is good. Yeah, yeah. My issues? What are your issues about Chinese? Do you have any?
You think you have better balance than me, Cirque du Soleil? Cirque du Soleil, but yes. Whatever, right? I bet you money I want to see the stewardess. Cirque du Soleil? Yeah, I want to see it.
Yeah, but what's with this Cantonese stuff and Szechuan, you know what I mean?
Okay, what's the one that you are?
Okay, so if I'm in Hong Kong, let me... Cantonese will be in Hong Kong. Cantonese. Yeah, yeah. Say something in Cantonese. I'm going to see if it's harsh.
It's like a machine gun going off.
Here we go. Pretty similar. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.
Because they can't get a voiceover guy that has a harsh. Go Mandarin.
Yeah, yeah. It's just an aggressive thing, you know. And, you know, what's up with Tai Chi? Is that a martial arts or is it a meditative thing that you're doing? It's a little bit of both. I've never seen anyone fight anyone with Tai Chi. I don't think you fight Tai Chi. It's an exercise. Yeah, dude.
I never said that. Yeah, you do. That's insane.
But don't you think that they're perceived as the best or no? What do you think, Jimmy?
Right? Don't pretend that you're log champion. You're not. You know that one? That's a log champion. Look at my form, dude.
Is that when you're gonna go to Korea? That same time? We're gonna go to Korea right after. Okay.
I do. It's a big dream for him.
Do you think you could beat me in ping pong?
But you just said that you could beat me even though you're not good. Go fuck yourself.
That's right. Jack Black sat on that chair. A lot of famous people. A lot of famous people sat on that chair. Wow.
The pink one, right? Yeah, pink one.
That's great. Good for you, dude. This is amazing. It's huge. It's on Hulu, right? Yeah, it's on Hulu.
We love Hulu. We're Hulu kids over here. We love Hulu.
What I'm saying is that, no, if you're standing, I stand.
None. So this is your first one. This is huge. Yeah, it's a big deal. This is huge.
We don't know yet. Wait, what did we do?
I can't believe that I gave you that suggestion. It's sound advice. Yeah, but you didn't go with advice.
I think we did it when you were in, I remember the day. It was when I was living in the apartment on Beachwood.
Yeah, yeah. That's when I gave you the advice. I don't remember now. The Beachwood days. The Beachwood days. Where are you living now?
Were you scared last night?
Here's the thing about whites anywhere else, okay? It's not that they have hatred. It's that they don't see people like us often. Like when I was in Butte, Montana shooting that movie. Yeah. I was at an AA meeting, okay? And some guy was pouring coffee in people's glasses. The guy came up to me and goes, hey man, sorry we don't have any green tea. Yeah.
Right, and I go, I drink coffee too, man.
Don't be kung fuing. It's somebody that isn't around us that often, and then they just want to be nice. That's right. But it comes out a little racist, but I don't mind that. It's just people are just trying to acclimate themselves to us.
I think it'd be better, huh? Let's do it. We can get, how about this? I'll do this. We'll get a place. Keep our houses here.
Yeah, we're good. We're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If I call... This is new. If I call my Asian sister's sisters... No. What I'm asking you is, what's the problemo, por favor?
You know why? Because you're an American.
Female friends. Female friends as anything remotely sister or anything like that. No.
Yeah, yeah. All right. So, well, Jimmy and I, when we go back to the meeting. Yeah, when you go back. We have our meeting once a month. Yeah. You know what I mean? And, you know, Stephen, you, everyone goes. Yeah. And we have some of our, can I call them sisters now? But like, like Awkwafina, one of our sisters, we're going to change the lingo. That's the lingo now.
Oh, you know what, dude? I'll be Chinese. Yeah. Because I don't want to steal any more words. Or you can be Hyung. Young. Okay, good. You are young. But now what you're saying, Jimmy, is we have to memorize every fucking Japanese, what fucking brother and sister means. I'm not going to do all that.
That was good, that was good.
I want to meet your dad.
Yeah, and he asked me to do a little set.
Are there other Asians you asked to be on it? Who else is on it? Yeah. I don't want to give away the whole lineup, but I'll tell you later. So let's promote some of the things, Jimmy. So Jimmy, do you have the TV show on Hulu? Interior Chinatown on Hulu. The Forum you're playing?
Yeah, I might be doing it. Yeah. Number three, what else? Your Instagram handle? What is it?
And please support our brother here. He's one of the best. I've always loved him.
It's brilliant. Do you ever get, one last question if I may. Please. Wrap it up. Have you ever had a white girl see your penis and be surprised how big it is? Thank you for being a bad friend.
I don't want to fight with you.
I don't want to start another fire.
I didn't listen to a word you just said. Let me say something, okay? I know you didn't. Carla, you've been to the airport with him, right?
What's up with him in the lounge? He's always like, meet me in the lounge. What am I? I'm like, I don't want to go to the lounge. I want to go get a snack. I want to eat food.
We can go to Dunkin' Donuts. They have better snacks.
One last thing and then we can move on from the thing. They should have obviously at the gate a first class line.
This is relatable. This will be a relatable thing. And then they should have, they should, no, I'm not done. Okay. They should have the groups, you know? So you have group B, C, whatever, the lettering or the number.
Okay. You wanted to start a fight, dude. You even said it. Okay. But what, so what they should have. No, I'm not done yet though. All right. So then they should have also a line that they don't have, right? For, I know it. For the Chinese.
Dude, I knew you were going to say that. Because I'll tell you why. Yeah. Okay. They cut. No, definitely what, they don't know how it works. Yes, they do. I know they do. But they pretend that they don't. I love them.
He's like, whoa. Yeah. America. But you know what I love, though? This is what I love. I love that the Chinese people cut. When they get to the ticket person, right? They go, how about me? Right? How about me? And then they go, no, you're five. You're seven. Seven. You're at the end. And then they have to go, and I always make a face. I always go.
Put first class first and then go back? No. Because I'll tell you why that's not going to work. First class should go last. I'll tell you why not. Why? Because you're going to know this, okay? You like to stare at the people as they walk by.
I know you love that. I have my face. I know. And I do this. I sit like this, and I always have my hand out like this, right? And when they lock eyes, I go like this. I go... Oh, move on? Yeah, like move on. Wow. Don't look, don't look. All right? Yeah, yeah.
Here's what I don't like, okay?
My shit's up there, right? Some guy's late. He moves it. Not just moves it. He does something different. Like he tries to fucking catch... He tries to Tetris it, right? I get it. And he puts his stuff, jams yours twisted. You have no idea what's in mine. I could have some biohazard material. And you sometimes do. I sometimes do, right? So don't touch mine and Tetris my shit.
Would you do this? Huh? If you were an aisle or a window. Sure. And you had to be a window, a middle to do it.
So I'm the guy. This is time dependent.
Yeah. How are you, man? Yeah. You know, we got our tickets late. And so me and my wife, we don't have seats next to each other. But if you switch my wife, you know, she could sit next to me. So can you switch, please? She's got the middle.
You weren't looking at me. I wasn't looking at you, right?
Deaf and blind. And then if that doesn't work, you go a little bit of like twisty.
Yeah. You pull the Keller. Yeah, so that's good. Pull a Keller. Would you pull a Keller?
Yeah, I pretend. And then he goes and tells someone and they start a Reddit thread. They do. Yeah. When they ask me, I've had older white dudes who ask me, like, hey, where's your family from? Right? And you already know one that he wants to know.
Because if you tell him you're Korean, then he has a story. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear the story. I went to Seoul one time. Yeah, or like his grandfather was in the war or something.
I knew who that is. Fucking George. Yeah, that's him. So I just make up a place. Oh, where are you from? Bangbang. You're from Bongbong? Yeah, yeah. How far is that from? Bongwanese. Oh, Bongwanese. Yeah, yeah. Bong Island. Oh, it's an island. Yeah, yeah. And we're known for, if you want to know. I would love to. Yeah, yeah. We have a special kind of corn that we crop. Ooh, what color? Purple.
No, I had everything set up. I had the cat crates, everything set up.
Wow. Yeah, and then we're also the best at making whistles. That's you guys? Yeah, we make whistles. We invented that. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're different than regular whistles.
What's the sound that they make?
I didn't. Trash Tuesday and Tiger Belly, ask me. Not you guys.
Because I need underwear. No, that's not. Nobody's ordering underwear.
They do, but like all the guys there just want to fuck. Yeah.
Because they don't go to the... No, but seriously, why though?
Some Filipinos don't want to get dark. They don't bother going to the ocean.
I like staying here, but I don't get why it's so hard to stay here.
Because in the Philippines, there's so many white people, white old people that just stays there for a long time. But then here, I can't stay for a long time.
Is there a way to, like, prove that, like, I'm okay, I'm an okay Filipino?
You kill it and you roast it and you eat it? Yeah.
You eat it because it's an animal? No, no, no.
No, that's wrong. Right, no. Praying mantises do that.
No. Like, the girl from The Last of Us that plays Dina.
Well, I tried white dick and I told you guys that that was too translucent.
I have a question. Yeah. Here we go. Jazz it up. Do you guys ever get ingrown hairs in your balls?
Because I just got my first ingrown, and it's like a big cyst. Oh. And it's so painful.
Because I didn't exfoliate once before your shave.
And I was looking for advice for you guys.
But that's the most realistic thing. Mushroom zombies? Cordyceps. They do that.
Dustin Hoffman was in it. I have seen it. Did Kramer vs. Kramer get anything? I don't know. I was just making that up.
King's Speech, I never saw it. I never saw it. No, that was good. No Country, Departed. I've seen all these. So I watched No Country for Old Men again. That scene in the gas station with that old man is probably the most... He gives me the creeps in a way that no one can do.
Yeah, Friendo, but it's also just that the performance of the man that was, you know, I mean, the guy was so good. If you really look at it, he's... The actor. Yeah, I mean, he's a character actor. I don't know who he is, but like, it's just so good. And his response. Dude, have you seen this movie? No. That character right there is insane.
Du wirst nicht Biologin werden. Ja, ja, ja. Ja, wenn du gesagt hast, dass du in der Wasserarbeit arbeiten wolltest, musst du das definitiv wissen. Ich glaube, du solltest nur Tiere machen.
You need to know about amoebas? Wow, so I wonder what you would need to know, I mean... To be a vet and veterinary. I'm sorry, I'm dumb, but... I'm dumb, too. Do you spend, like, doctor eight years in medical school? To be a vet? Yeah. I don't know if it's a full eight.
I was like, my dog just shit blood. At least a discount, no discount.
Yeah. It was a little weird. You know what my thing is? Whenever I'm in a fucking pet food store, I hate it when there's always old white ladies. They come in and they go, what's the cheapest cat food you got? Dry. Right? And I'm always like, you know what I mean? I'm always like, that's your fucking family member.
Like, I think... Yeah, but you live foolishly. You know, they're not... The gap between cheapest and average isn't that much. I agree. You're talking about a dollar or two, right?
Ja, aber es ist wie... Wir sind froh, dass wir, dass du nicht... Ich weiΓ nicht, Alter, weil auch in meinen frΓΌhen Zwanzigern hatte ich zwei Katzen. Und dann ging ich in den Petsfood-Store und ich hatte kein Geld und ich war immer noch so, ich werde nicht den gΓΌnstigsten bekommen.
Nein, nein, nein. Ich werde nicht da schlafen, wenn ich nicht da war. Sie sagen, du bist nicht Teil davon. Wie lustig, aber. Und dann bin ich so, ja.
You do that? Yeah. That's so much money. Well, it's my dogs, dude. I know, dude, but that's an inflation. If I go to fucking BLVD, right, or, you know what I mean, or Maestro's, right? I'm gonna get my dog. Dude, I got fucking Nobu for my cats. That's fucking insane. Right? And they didn't like it, so I'm like, oh, I guess this isn't gonna be a thing.
Yeah, I cut up the salmon too and all that stuff, like really thinly. I go, maybe that'll work. I put gravy on it, they don't like it.
No, it's not crazy. No, no, it's crazy. It's funny, but it's insane. Well, I guess it's, you know, here's, and I'm gonna cause a little controversy out here. I might as well put my foot down, okay? And maybe... Einige Menschen, und ich wΓΌrde nicht sagen, dass es weiΓe Menschen sind, aber ich werde das nicht sagen. Ich will nicht generalisieren, richtig? Nein, machen Sie es.
Ja, sie bezeichnen ihre Tiere als, weiΓt du, ein niedrigerer Familienmitglied.
I don't eat them. Then don't generalize all whites. Not in this America. Maybe in some fucking remote village in Taipei.
Oh, I know you're gonna do this again with the fucking slave, the Korean slave thing. No. That's what you're trying to do. Get a moment.
Hey buddy, I'll double down on you then. Give it to me. What about squirrels? Yes, some whites eat squirrels. Yeah, and snakes and shit. How about this? Yeah, yeah. Then you get fucking... Have you even attempted to pass this fucking law to not eat squirrels? Those cute little critters from the tree. They're delicious.
So good. Oh my god. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Look at that. What I'm saying is that I don't know why you went from me spending a little bit more money for my cats to us eating dogs. You did it. I don't know how it went from there to there.
But Asians still eat dogs. Yeah. And you guys eat squirrels. Yeah.
Oh, there are. Who has a squirrel? Go to Dodo. Go to Dodo? Yeah. Where's that? YouTube. And he has a squirrel? The Dodo. There's a lot of squirrel friends that the people have. In their home? In their home.
In the home, dude. There we go. That's a guy chilling on a kitchen table, dude. Look at that guy. Look at that dude. Look how fat he is too. That looks like lunch to me. I know. What? Do they feed them like fancy nuts? They might. What? Like Air One Nuts? Yeah, but there's a difference between like, you know, airplane nuts, right?
And going to like, you know, going to Air One or something and getting like organic nuts, unsalted, you know what I mean? Right?
Okay, okay, I don't know how they're packaged. I don't know what the farm... Well, you know what?
We need to go visit a farm so we can find out... But my point though being is, boom, there's another one chilling watching fucking, you know, reality TV on a couch, dude. Probably, you know, 90 Day FiancΓ©. Look at the fucking... Guck dir das an. Er schaut Love is Blind an. Ja, Love is Blind. Er ist da. Er ist so fett. Ich weiΓ.
Ich weiΓ, dass du das machst, weil ich weiΓ, dass du 1.500 Dollar gespart hast. Aber es gibt viele Leute, die sagen, was?
Er wΓΌrde. Dann gehen wir. Aber er hat Angst. Ja, das ist, ja. Ich sage nicht, dass ich das GefΓΌhl dahinter habe. Ja, es wird ein Hit sein und es wird ein VerrΓΌckter sein. Aber ich sage nur, es ist so. Aber du hast recht. Es hΓ€ngt davon ab, was das ist. Okay, hier ist einer. Okay. Wenn ihr, wenn ihr.
Ja, die GrΓ€ber. Ich habe einen Anruf gemacht. Oh ja, alle Pferde sind im Vet, richtig? Und du musst mit dem Geld helfen, richtig? Weil sie alle GrΓ€ber gegessen haben? Ja, also ich sage, sie gegessenen fucking GrΓ€ber, wie rΓΆmische Imperaten. Was zur HΓΆlle redest du? Richtig? Und dann ist nichts passiert. Aber ihr habt, wir mussten tausende Dollar sparen. Was? Ja, genau. Also was war das alles um?
Amongst four dogs, they ate three grapes. And I get this call, it's going to cost all this money. I was like, what the fuck is going on here? So in that case, yes. I'd be like, ah, grapes, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute. A bar of chocolate, I would be like, let's just take it hour by hour.
Jetzt weiΓt du. Ich bin froh, dass ich weiΓ. Ja, ja, ja. Und auch, warum hast du einfach nur freie GrΓ€ber auf dem Boden?
NatΓΌrlich. WeiΓt du, was sie fΓΌr mich gemacht haben? Ich hoffe, sie haben dir eine KrΓΆte gekauft. Nein. Oh mein Gott, ich fΓΌhle mich so schlecht ΓΌber das. Haben wir ΓΌber das gesprochen? Γber den kleinen BΓ€r? Ich bin im Hintergrund mit Gunnar. Ja. Okay. Oh, I know. No, you don't. And I look and there's a bird, a baby bird that had fallen from the tree. Right?
And I look at Gunnar and Gunnar's just... You know what I mean? And I'm like, he's not gonna... And he goes up and just breaks his neck with his fucking jaw. Right? And then I fucking grab Gunnar, bring him in the house. And now the fucking... You know what I mean? It's like the little bird's going... It was fucking insane, dude. It was making these, right?
I call them, they come over and then I go, you gotta keep this bird alive. Right? Please. His head is off. It was just like, and they came over, it died, right?
Three days is pretty good though. Yeah, but I tried everything. I tried everything. We love our friends in the sky. That's my point.
Ich habe immer noch mit einem gesprochen. Wenn es eine 5%-Chance gab, dass er einfach einen Spray-Neck hat, oder was auch immer. Das ist, warum ich ihn genannt habe. Weil das Schlimmste wΓ€re, dass ich es einfach da lassen wΓΌrde. Und dann am 3. Tag gehe ich zurΓΌck und er ist noch da. Das wΓ€re schlecht.
Little Bird Wheelchair. Little Bird Wheelchair. You know, it's so funny, Andreas, you're trying to make fun of me, like I have empathy for the little creatures in the world. You know what movie makes me really sad? What part? In Raising Arizona. One of my favorite movies of all time. Me too. And when that, you know, the bad biker. Yes. And he shoots that lizard.
Ich weiΓ nicht warum, aber selbst als junger Mann dachte ich, oh.
Yeah, this movie is so fucking good.
Es ist eine KomΓΆdie, aber vor allem, wenn Nicolas Cage mit der Ladder in das Babyhaus geht.
Ja, in das Haus von Nathan Arizona. Und da ist das 5-Minuten-Montage von ihm, der versucht, das Baby zu behandeln. Es ist so klug gemacht, so sΓΌΓ, es ist so gut.
Es gibt noch eine Szene, in der er in seinem Zimmer rennt. Ich vergesse nicht, was er tun muss. Und er sieht ein Playboy-Magazin auf seinem Bett. Und er legt es unter das Ding. Und dann geht er weg. Und dann kommt er zurΓΌck und schaut nach dem Playboy. Und dann bringt er es zurΓΌck. Weil er einen weiteren Blick braucht. Es sind diese kleinen Dinge, die diesen Film so speziell machen.
Das ist so toll. Das ist so ein toller Film.
But you know who my fucking guy is, I look at to make me feel more like... He's like sort of my... If he dies, I'm fucked. Because he's a little ahead of me. In the comedy scene? Yeah, yeah. He's a little ahead of me. I see him all the time. Marin? No. And I look at him. No, it's like, no. Smaller. Smaller. Tinier person? Than Marin, yeah. Brad Williams? No. In between. Think in between. Cold?
Also, I'm older than Brad. It's a guy that's older than me.
Du musst sie halbieren und ihre RΓ€ume zΓ€hlen. Gestern sah ich Brad und ich sagte ein paar Dinge, einige Dwarf-GerΓ€usche in der grΓΌnen Raum. Und ich glaube nicht, dass es gut in der Raum ΓΌberging. Er ist unser Junge. Ich gehe, ich bin einfach in den Raum gestanden und sage, wie ist der Karneval? Ich weiΓ nicht, warum ich das gesagt habe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my point is, I always keep a pocket. It's David Spade. Oh, Spade. So when I see Spade, because he's like five years older than me, and he looks good. He does. So I just go, oh, he looks good. So I'm going to worry when he doesn't look good.
Keine fucking Weise. Ja, so lange. Mit wem? Mir selbst. In der Dunkelheit. Wo? In der Dunkelheit? Ja, in unserer Wohnung. Keine Beweise. Und dieses Mal, weiΓt du, wo ich gehe? Keine Beweise. Da ist ein Marker, den ich habe. Da ist der erste Bench. Ja. Jetzt gehen wir doppelt da hin. Kann ich dir etwas sagen? Es ist so schrecklich.
Oh, du willst dich holen? Ja, ja. Ich wΓΌrde dich lieber nicht holen. Ja. Das Einzige, worΓΌber ich mich kΓΌmmere, sind Bobcats. Ja, Alter.
Ja, ich glaube nicht, dass das ein Rekord ist. Ich glaube, jemand hat das tausendmal gemacht. In 14 Stunden? Oh nein, nicht in 14 Stunden, ich weiΓ es nicht. Das ist so viel. Weil technisch gesagt, sie mΓΌssen nicht kommen, also kΓΆnntest du nur haben, was ich tun wΓΌrde, was ich tun wΓΌrde, ist, ich wΓΌrde da liegen und nur einen Pump machen. Oh mein Gott. So kann ich einfach alle durchgehen.
Es gibt andere, es gibt Leute, Familien nachts. Ich sehe sie mit den Lichtern.
Das ist der, den ich letzte Woche gegangen bin. Lass uns gehen. Ich mΓΆchte es solo machen, weil ich dir erzΓ€hle, warum. Kann ich dir erzΓ€hlen, warum? Kann ich dir erzΓ€hlen, warum? Can I tell you why?
It's pace. Oh. You know what I mean? I understand. I put my hands behind my back like an old Korean man. I do that. And I kind of mosey up there with music. Shuffle would be the word.
Yeah, because remember Dove Davidoff used to go to the one in Hollywood on La Brea. It's like that 24-hour boxing gym. Oh, right. I used to go there. I used to like it there. Well, that's way further. I'm just saying I want something that's grungy, because it's very rocky-like.
You'll have to go somewhere far away. Okay. You know what? There's an old saying, and it's from a sitcom. Es gibt ein altes WΓΆrterwort, es heiΓt Differenztrugs. WeiΓt du, worΓΌber du sprichst? Willis. WorΓΌber du sprichst, Willis? Richtig? Ja. Das mΓΆchte ich dir sagen. That was the wrong sitcom line.
I've met him a couple times. Jaleel White. I like him a lot. Yeah. He's a sweet kid. I've heard he's great.
Yeah, he would break something. Oh, I see. I remember now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Das ist okay. Einen Pump und dann wΓΌrdest du ein Kondom benutzen, oder?
Ja. WeiΓt du, du hattest mich an 3 Uhr morgens anrufen lassen, damals, als ich an Beechwood gelebt habe, bevor ich Kalilah getroffen habe? Ron Jeremy. Nein, es ist ein Sitcom-Mann. Du wirst es nicht glauben.
It's like, he would go, yeah, he'd go, meet me at, meet me at Fred 62's.
Ich mache den Kopf und den Gesicht zu Ende. Ja, ja. Nein, hier ist meine Ordnung. Ich mache meine Ohren fΓΌr 20 Minuten. Ich sage dir meine Ordnung, okay? Also ich nehme, du weiΓt, wir haben bereits festgestellt, dass das Plastik, das ich habe, eine Kleidung ist. We already established that on this podcast. So I pull that out. I put two different body wash on it. From two different brands.
One of them probably something that's like an axe. Some bullshit one. But then I'll put an organic fancy one.
No, I put axe. But then I put a high-end one that I got at a boutique place. So I'll combo it up. Upstairs, downstairs. Yeah, then I put it in a sud. Dann mache ich das, ich mache es zuerst nach hinten, nach hinten, Arme, Arme, Knie, richtig? Dann zwischen den Sacken.
Nein, nein, nein. Was? Der Sack. Oh, I have two sacks. I have two sacks, right? Legs. And then what I do is rinse. Yeah. And then I do face with my face wash. Right. And then I do hair and then I'm done. I get that. What do you do?
Du machst das nicht? Mit dem Lufa-Stick? Ich habe einen auf der StraΓe. Mit dem, den ich habe, kannst du wirklich dein RΓΌcken ausbrechen. Ich brauche es nicht.
Ich brauche eine Massage dafΓΌr. Es ist nur eine tiefe Haut.
Sie haben einen Fastpass, wie Disneyland.
I'm already there. It's like, you know, let me say, honestly, it's like playing basketball on ice. How? It just doesn't belong there. But you pee in the shower. Stop, stop, stop.
Yeah, there you go. You've done it often? I don't shame Carlos for doing that.
Ich habe mein Handy. Ich habe mein Handy.
Aber er lΓ€sst das Wasser auf seinen Klett rutschen. In Bezug auf Baden, was du mir fΓΌr meinen Geburtstag gekauft hast ... War es schlecht? Nein, nicht so schlecht. Ich weiΓ nicht, was der Punkt ist. Bath salts. No, it was flowers. Like full blown petals.
Aber machst du den Bobby Lee-Test der Verzweiflung?
That's what I do. I leave thousands and thousands of dollars. I do the Bobby Lee test of deception. And what I do is I leave random money, tens, twenties, sometimes a hundred, in places to see if they take. And they never take. That's the test. Because if they take, I fire. You kill.
Well, I guess if you're cleaning and you saw like a random dollar bill, you would in your head go, oh, that's a test of deception.
That's your money! Okay, have you seen these? Carlos, hast du diese gesehen, okay? Wo sie eine kleine MΓ€dchen auf einem Tisch haben? Oh, ja, ich hasse das. Okay, das sind Tests von Vertrauen. Ich hasse das. Wo es so ist, dass eine Frau da sitzt, die eine Pflanze ist, und dann wird ein Mann auf sie schieΓen, und einige Fremde, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm so grateful I'm not in that. Yeah.
Because I don't think, I don't know, I think I would fail. You'd walk away. I would just be like, oh, that's weird. You know what I mean? I'd walk away. Or if a little girl comes in, excuse me, sir, I don't have anyone. And I'd be like, oh, you do him and you walk her? Get the fuck away from me. Yeah, they catch me doing that. I'm fucked, dude.
Is there a punk that you did that aired that went crazy?
I don't know. I mean, I just wouldn't be able to get it up, I don't think.
Anyway. Deep Hollywood connections.
Ja, aber ich erinnere mich immer noch daran, dass dieser Kerl auf der Reise war.
Yeah, but then with taxes and all that stuff. Yeah, to pay my agent, my lawyer. Yeah, $700. Yeah, $800, $700.
So then you're like, what the fuck am I gonna do?
I gotta go. One time I was at an audition, okay? Now this is how the Hollywood stuff starts. Here we go. I was in an audition and I walk in and it was all, like it was Finesse Mitchell, Eric Griffin, like all my friends. And we were high-fiving, right? We were making each other laugh, right? And then all of a sudden I hear somebody go, okay, Bobby.
Beans on toast is pretty hungry. Yeah. But now at the Comedy Store, they're like, dude, congratulations. And you're like, yeah, I'm making less money than I... Than I was before. Before.
Es gab also ein paar Wochen, in denen wir nichts gemacht hatten. Du hast keinen Sketch gemacht. Nicht einen einzigen. Und alle weiΓen, neuen Jungs waren in alles. WeiΓen, neuen Jungs? Ja. Ich erinnere mich an sie, als sie in meine Dressur kam und weinte. Sie sagt, das ist verdammt. Ich frage, was ist das? Sie sagt, du bist Asiatisch, ich bin Hispanisch. Und wir kΓΆnnen nicht verheeren.
Ich gehe zum PrΓ€sidenten. Of the company. Of Fox? No, of the show. The guy that owns the show. Oh, right. Who's like this old Hollywood mogul, right? I can say his name. He's a great guy. David Salzman. Okay. He did Dallas and Judge Judy. I mean, this is an old guy, right? And I grabbed her by the wrist. I go, please don't. Und wenn du das tust, lasst meinen Namen davon. Wir werden getΓΆtet.
Und ich habe einfach meine Finger auf der fucking Dressing-Room-Wall. Ja, einfach hΓ€ngen. Bobby? Yes. They're taking my ankle, trying to get me out. I'm like, I'm not leaving! Right? And that's, I think that was the right move. It took years for me to get anything really legitimate. But I just, I barely made every, you know what I mean? But you didn't get fired. You gotta play it smart.
Can I tell you another story about it? I have to tell you this, so... I'm not gonna name any names, but there was another female comic from the store, right, that was gonna test for MadTV. Whitney. No, I can't tell you. Okay. Right. And so we were, I remember seeing her and I go, oh, so, are you nervous about the test? Yeah. And she goes, I ain't doing it. Und ich frage, warum?
Sie sagt, ich brauche 10.000. Um zu testen? Ich brauche 10.000, weil, weiΓt du, du negotiierst. Ja, ich weiΓ. War sie bereits berΓΌhmt? Nein. Oh. Sie war einfach der gleiche Comic-Mann, der ich war. Sicher. Niemand.
Und ich sage, du fragst dich um 10.000 pro Episode? Weil das initiale Ding ist 4.500, richtig? Und sie sagt, ja. Und ich sage, oh, ich teste. Sie kΓΆnnen mir Peanuts geben. Ja. Ich teste fucking. Air One Peanuts, aber. Richtig. Ja. Und dann, also, fΓΌnf Jahre nachdem das. I was at a restaurant. She served you. Yeah. And you know what she said to me? She goes, I should have taken the 4500.
And I ate that audition so bad, it was fucking bad. The same thing is going to happen at that fucking gangbang. Oh, you're going to fuck. I'm going to fuck around, right? What's up, dude? You know what I mean? Great movie or whatever, right? You did a great job or whatever, right? And then as soon as my name's called, I'm going to walk in there and it's going to be completely dead.
Oh my God, that hurts my heart. And I swear to God, and I was like, my heart cracked. You stiffed her on the tip. I go, yeah, but hey dude, can I get the fucking ketchup? I asked you for the hot sauce. Oh, that's awful. And she never worked again. Never saw her again. She should have taken it. She would have killed it on that show.
Oh, das ist die... Das ist die Lektion. Hast du heute die Lektionen gehΓΆrt? Ja, ich bin Angst.
Du musst die richtige Entscheidung machen. Nein, du solltest Angst haben.
That is a very good question. I actually don't know. The opportunities that you get Seize them. You seize them. You don't go against them. Because I really honestly believe that one day, and don't give me that face. Don't give him that face. One day you're gonna look back at certain times in your life and you're gonna go, oh, I didn't see it for what it was.
Aber du musst es immer versuchen. Zum Beispiel, wenn 7Ecky ein Podcast mit dir individuell machen wollte und sie sagten, willst du es versuchen? Ich denke, dein Instinkt wΓ€re, nein, ich will es nicht machen. Ja. Ja, dann nicht. Aber ich denke, du wΓΌrdest es regretten. Weil die Eier sind jetzt heiΓ. Ja. Es wird nicht in 10 Jahren funktionieren.
Denn in diesem Moment in deiner Leben kannst du so viel wie mΓΆglich machen. Und dann, weiΓt du, spΓ€ter hast du ein bisschen Ersatz oder was auch immer. Aber ich glaube ehrlich gesagt, dass, weiΓt du, das Leben schwer ist. Und es ist schwer, ein Leben zu machen. Und wir haben gesehen, wie Menschen kΓ€mpfen. Und es ist wie, weiΓt du, ich fΓΌhle mich, und ich und Andrew haben beide gemacht,
Nothing's going to work. Ich weiΓ nicht, ich hΓ€tte vielleicht... Du wirst nervΓΆs. Ich wΓΌrde eine Brust holen. Du solltest. Nein. Ich frage mich, was ihre Regeln sind. Ich wΓΌrde versuchen, es loszulegen. Ich wΓΌrde eine Brust holen. Und ich wΓΌrde wahrscheinlich immer sagen, bist du okay?
Which one? Wait, wait, wait. Let's guess. Well, ask me some of the questions that's on the exam. Maybe I can answer them.
Wait, wait. You don't know what topic it was? What the subject matter was?
Here we go. I'm the expert of DNA. Go ahead. Biology. You failed biology, right? Microbiology. Microbiology. Give me just any question that they might have. Are you fucking kidding me? You don't even know one question on the exam? She said she failed. How many questions are there?
Well, they're about amoebas. One has an Amiibo. Fail. I'm not done. Well, you're done. You're failed. Can I finish? Yeah, please. You're so rude. Thank you. You know what I realized about you Tuesday when we did the live show, dude? You're a little cocky. I'm cocky? Yeah, and a little bit like confident and sure of yourself.
That's what the audience said. Remember when they said that? People see it. That I'm confident? Yeah, what did they say Tuesday night?
Are you arrogant or you think you're better than me? That's what I'm getting at.
Ja. Es ist wie ein schlechtes Flirten. Es ist ein scheiΓ Flirten. Also sitze ich in der Audienz, watching Andrew performen. Und es war eine ziemlich attraktive Frau neben mir. Und wΓ€hrend eines deiner Jokes sind Leute lachen. Und sie kommt zu mir und sagt, dein Freund ist heiΓ. Und weiΓt du, was ich tat? Ich habe gesagt,
It was just an instinctual, like... Was this a girl that you were with or just a random girl? Some random girl, but I just wanted, like, if I could spit out poison. Yeah, you would. You know what I mean? Blind her. I had a rattle, dude. I went out. Right in her neck.
Backstage, too, I like to observe other people that aren't familiar with comics and stuff. And they get a little nervous around you.
I know, but I see people going... You know what I mean? It's like, what's going on?
I come in there with joy, dude. And that's what my thing is, dude. I'm pure joy. You are.
Ich habe noch eine philosophische Frage fΓΌr dich. Ja. Was, wenn wir keine Schaufel haben? Und das ist die echte Frage. Wow. Ja, was, wenn wir keine Schaufel haben? Du musst deine HΓ€nde nutzen. Du musst kreativ werden. Nein. Nein? Ja, warum ΓΆffnest du nicht deinen eigenen Loch? Nein. I'm not like you. I don't like opening up my hole.
You don't have to raise your hand. What's up? We're like professors at a college. Yes, young lady? Rudy, please.
No, because I think you said, let him suck it or something. You said something like that. I said, let him kiss it. I said, let him kiss it. I think that was the part that he was like, oh, no, I don't know, man. I'll tell you.
Nein, sie hat es nicht gemacht. Sie hat gesagt, nein. Nein, nein, nein. Oh. Und dann versuche ich, den Jungen wieder zu kΓΌssen und er sagt nein. Nein, er wollte ihn nicht mehr als einmal. Ja, ja, also bin ich so, wow.
Sie will einen Kuck-KΓΆnig, nicht wahr? Ja. Ja. Black and White Fountains. Erinnerst du dich an die Zeit, wenn es ein weiΓer Fountain war, konntest du es nicht trinken. Was meinst du? Oh, du meinst die Segregation. In den 60ern. Ja, Segregation. Segregation. Ja, ja, ja.
Oder wenn sie nicht mal sitzen konnten, wie bei einem Restaurant, wie bei einer Diner-Tafel. Oder sie hatten ihre eigene Seite. Sie wΓΌrden nicht mal rein gehen. Einige, ja, natΓΌrlich. Wie einige der Jazz-Dokumentare. Wir gehen nicht zurΓΌck. Ja, ja. Please don't go back there.
Some of these jazz bands would go into a town, play a hotel, but they couldn't stay there. I know, right. Did I say this already? What would happen is... You know, Count Bassey or whatever would go with his band, right? They couldn't stay there, but their wives would go into the black neighborhood while they're on stage and ask the residents, the bands in town, can they stay?
So then they would coordinate like, yeah, yeah, Little Slim, you know what I mean? And Jackie Eyes can sleep here, you know what I mean? And Frankie the Midget, you know what I mean? Trombone Tony can sleep here, you know what I mean? And they would all... You know Trombone Tony. I love him. He's so good. He's got little toes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little toes, Trombone Tony. And squeaky peak.
Squeaky peak and whatever. And then after the show, the wives would come back and go, we got you a place to stay. That's insane. Yeah, that was a reality.
Yeah, I mean, those are called gangbangs. What do they call them? Yeah, gangbangs.
Oh, yeah, dude. Just this moment of like- I don't know anything about it. Please explain to me that catastrophe.
I don't even know what that means. I made that up. Oh, that. See, it's like a freighter boat. Freighter boat ran into a bridge. Dark Knight. They had those in Dark Knight.
Dark night boat. I call it a dark night boat. In the biz, we call it a dark night boat. Because remember in the first Batman movie, wasn't there like a thing where he first goes, I'm Batman, which is a dead on impression.
I'm sorry. I got defensive, and I apologize. That's okay. She's beautiful, and I love her as a human.
Mine was completely made up. Short stack sounds great. It's a short stack ship. I call Brad William a short stack. Yeah. All right. So that's my nickname for him. But my point is, is this what happened here?
I've said that when I was entering a woman's vagina. Yeah, that's a fuck, fuck. No, but in a panic like that. Like I shouldn't be doing it. Oh. Right? Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Are you out of your mind? That's what I heard. I turned down a pod with so-and-so. He got mad, by the way. Why? He came up to me. The first thing out of his mouth was like, hey, buddy, you don't want to pod with me? And I go, oh no, when Andrew's not there, it's weird. You know what I mean? Didn't you do one with DeStefano? Called you out.
And I'm not lying. I had sex with one time many, many years ago with a 400-pound woman.
And it happened in Phoenix. Yeah. 20 years ago.
And I... I did it, though, like a soldier. Yeah, you went through with it. Yeah, because sometimes you're numb, right? You're in Hamburger Hill. Mm.
You get it, right? You're going through it. Right, and your sergeant goes, we got to fucking take over this hill. And you're up first. Yeah, and you don't want to, but you end up up there anyway, and you get friends slaughtered and whatnot, but you're still fighting for your life. Yeah. Black Hawk down. Black Hawk down. Yeah. Say it's so Asian. Yeah. Yeah.
You know, I recently saw the Netflix documentary on it. Yeah. And I rewatched the movie.
Yeah. You're coming back. So anyway. Oh, yeah. So that's what I did with this lady. How was it?
I mean, you did have sex with a waterbed.
Yeah. Well, see, the thing is, at that time, this was pre-Mad TV. Oh, before you got on. Yeah, so before I got on. Let me tell you right now.
My little spelunker. But here's the sad part of the story, and I feel so bad about it, and I think about it all the time, and I feel so bad about it.
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I know, but it's like, I've never, we don't have that kind of, and he was mad. Yeah. But I love him.
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You know, most people, they'll go to the Salvation Army, right, to get their t-shirts. Not this guy. Kith.
And I've never shared it on a group level. I don't even know if I should. Go on. But I'm going to do it anyway, right? So years later, when I got on Matt, this and that, I redid the room. I think as I was featuring for someone big, you know what I mean? And... I don't know why, but I was walking, you know, when they bring you up, I was walking toward the stage.
Somebody grabbed my jacket or my shirt, long-sheet shirt, and I look over and it's her. I just see this fat hand on my- How strong was that grip?
It was so gripped. It was like a gorilla grabbed you?
No, it was more like a leper grabbing you back in the day. Oh, you were like, get away from me. I did this. I went... I pulled it away like that. Yeah. And then after my set, I ran down, out, so she couldn't grab me. Damn. And I stayed in the green room so I wouldn't run into her. I feel so bad about it.
I've been in the kith, yeah. I've been in the kith with you in New York.
That's interesting that you say that because you're absolutely wrong.
I have a drawer in my bedroom with gummy colas. Great. Right? I've never seen you be a sweets boy. And then I have bags of these candies with salt in it, in the middle of it.
oh so it's sweet and savory yeah yeah right you know what your candy the Mexican like when they use the mango and they put that stuff what's it called what are you talking about babe Bobby's oh you're talking about tajin yes there's a tajin in the middle yeah so it's got a little spice a little bit of spice you know it's funny dude because whenever we go eat
Yeah. Well, I'm going to say something. You're coming at me today. No, I'm not coming at you, dude. You're coming at yourself. My kith shirt? Yeah, you're coming at yourself, dude. And that's the sad part. How am I coming at myself? You're like, well, you guys were talking about me.
I want to say something to you. I've always thought this, and I don't want to be rude. Oh, man. And I don't want to cause any friction. I think it's going to do both. No, I don't think so. I think I'm being very mindful about it. But it's an observation I've had over the years. I've never been brave enough to tell you.
But you're one of those comics, like if you didn't do comedy, I just don't know. Oh, what I do? Yeah, yeah. You know what? I have a prediction what you would have been doing. Yeah. I know. Yeah, so you know you go to Soho and they have those boutique shops. It's always some sort of arbitrary name like F-Z-Z-N-Y. You know what I mean?
So let's go into Vizzini or whatever, right? Vizzini. And then you go in there and there's like this guy. He looks like a John Wick villain. He's got a black overcoat. Oh, yeah. Right? And just like tattoos on the neck.
Yeah, eyeliner. A lot of jewelry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know how much they make. Probably not good. Who cares? Who cares? That's what you'd be doing.
dude i have another observation okay i'm so sorry he goes you and your dad are best that was very good that's very good what you said i just i know so he also seems like this guy right where you meet a girl yeah a beautiful girl right yeah and you go hey you want to go out there because i have a boyfriend right and then when you actually meet it's like him yeah and i'm like what the fuck you're dating this guy for that's okay am i right warm am i getting warm yeah yeah very warm yeah
I understand it now. I know you have a girlfriend, a wife. I have a fiance. I understand it now like I understand Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis with his girl, the influencer lady, would have never made sense in any other scenario. Besides what? Besides famous comic influencer. I don't think so.
I already know what to say after that. I hope so. You just did the episode. Yeah, you did a bit about, I did a bit about your little back. Let me see.
And he'd be like, shut up. He looks like a white guy that's been in water like a dead corpse. Oh my God. Are you calling him bloated? No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying the eyes bulge like it's been like in a swamp.
I'm wrong. He's gonna come get you.
And I like it. And we have that relationship, right? I'm not, you know, Shane, if you're listening right now or if you get this clip. He will. I give you props all day long. You're one of the funniest comics on planet Earth, right? You're the king. Yeah. And you deserve all your success. That's not what I'm saying. But you were saying before.
I just think you have like, you know, in Lord of the Rings, like maybe the second or third movie, right? Remember Frodo and those guys went to the swamp? Yeah. And Gollum's like, don't look in the water. Who's in the water? These dead elves from like thousands of years ago.
You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying. Just don't look in the water. You're starting a war. Yeah, I'm not starting a war. Anyway, I didn't mean it in a bad way. Soho store is just... Crazy. Whenever I go to those stores, I look at the guy and I go, oh, there's a version of Dan Sartor. That's what you think? Damn. What are you doing? Why can't you back me once?
Because I think you're insanely wrong. I think you're fucked up. You're out of bounds. Don't do that. I'm sorry. Don't do that. I don't like what you're fucking doing either.
I'm tired of being bullied by people like you. I'm saving you from a war. I tried to fucking befriend you at the tour. See what he's doing?
Hey, everyone from Texas, Houston specifically, I need you to buy tickets for my show on, what is it, March 28th and 29th of this year. Go to HoustonImprov.com. Buy the tickets or I'm going to hurt myself. I'm going to hurt myself. I might die.
Yeah. You went after my friend. You're the bully, dude. Well, the next time I say a thing, disagree with me. You know what? Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's the new rule.
He has a little gay disc in his back. He's a gay disc. They're dismantled. What a crybaby, huh?
Okay. That's right. Thank you. A point we can all agree on. Ready? You think everything you say I agree with? No. I always laugh and I always agree. Yeah. Why? That's what friendship's all about. All right? I don't know your diabolical East Coast fucking way of thinking.
Yeah, we were on our way to Florida. Yeah. And we were in Florida. I feel like you were one of the last people to text. I think that's what it was. Oh. I would honestly check the receipt. Now, I'm just testing you. You're supposed to agree with me. I thought the rule was-
I was testing him. He doesn't follow the rules. Bobby, look at me. I'm sorry. That was on me. There we go. It's as easy as that. Give me something to agree with. We're back in. Right? Dax Flame definitely has a bigger penis than you.
There it is. I want you to be loyal. Got it. Okay? Done. And I will agree with everything you say. Say something that I might not agree with, but I'll agree with it.
I agree. And whenever I'm eating them, I don't even understand why it's in my mouth. Do you understand how easy that is? Yeah, throw it back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like a... All right. No. No, let him go. You look like a fluffer in gay porn.
It's called, right, adding information and agreeing.
Wow, wow, wow. Ooh. This is so good. Wait, what's mine? Interesting. Interesting. It's interesting, but also clever. Interesting. Interesting, interesting, interesting.
How do you feel about the homeless? How do I feel about them? Give me a genuine, yeah, your opinion.
Reanimate? Yeah, and now it's March. Do the position. Yeah. March. March. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. You just did the de-thawing of a homeless man. Perfect. And that's comedy 101. That's called a comedy. And that's what we do here at Bad Friends. And that's how talented he is.
All right, let's... All right, let's get it out. Let's get it out in the open.
Put fur on me. What about Goonies? No. I can't touch that. You can't touch it. It's pitch perfect.
Child endangerment. Yeah, kids wouldn't do it, so that's why it wouldn't make any sense.
My parents didn't go to the cops. Why would they? Because they just knew you were going to come back. I came in the house after a week. My dad goes, huddle. And I go, all right. And that's the reception?
Yeah, yeah. So what I want to say is, you've never talked about me?
This is a controversial thing I want to say. Let her rip. I feel like the bullying that I received was necessary. Yes. When you were a kid. Yes. Put your head in this toilet. You're not going to be able to breathe for two minutes.
Oh, my God. Like old school, I was locked in a locker for four hours. No way.
It was half locker, so I had to... It was insane. What grade? Ninth. No, even younger, like probably second grade or third grade.
And I definitely heard teachers walk by and I was screaming and they didn't even help me.
Yeah, go to the lounge, go to the lounge, go to the lounge. I just feel like that sort of like made me strong enough to do comedy almost.
You know what? I'm trying to bring down the king.
No, but I've heard people say that you talk about me.
The last gig that he did here. Bars. Did you do the show? The last gig? The Will Turn one with Bill Burr and Shane Gillis. I did that show, yeah. Yeah. I was an ass.
I don't remember. I really recall. I feel like you'd remember. I think you're right. I think you made it up. Yeah. Oh, my bad. I got caught in a lie.
That hurts me so bad, dude, that you wouldn't, that's really hurtful.
They would never ask me, is my point.
This is bullshit. Fuck you. Welcome to the show, and thanks for doing it. Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for having me. I'm in a mood. I'm sorry.
That's good, that's good, that's good. I have problems with some other kings here, man. If we're doing this, let's go ahead. D.L. Hughley, Steve Harvey. I have problems with them as well. And rest in peace. Yeah, yeah. Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac, the king of all kings.
The true king. The true king of kings. Right. Who has bulgiers like somebody else we know. What are you doing, bro? Who are you talking about?
And you're going to get done. Sometimes Slovenia needs to start a war with the United States. No?
I don't know what was with me that day, but... You were grooving. No, I wasn't grooving. I was out of bounds, out of pocket. And, you know, because you're such a big star.
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right i love when carlos laughs at me because you know he gets my comedy somebody gets your comedy oh my god all right here we go okay here we go yeah let's not do this right now dude you know i i want to say to you this because i heard you oh i want to say this absolutely destroyed in phoenix shut up dude just all right now let me say that roof off
Yeah, okay. I'll throw this out. Billy Burr. Yeah, he goes, his way of saying, he's like, he'll call me kiddo, right? Does he rub your head? You guys are the same age. I know, and he doesn't really, you know what I mean? Talk to me that much.
I love him. He loves you too. We've worked together many times. Yeah. Anyway, let's move on. Okay. Shots are fired. Shots are not fired. No? Why? Because I said that Shane Gillis is bloated looking? How is that a shot fired?
Oh, my God, dude. You're fucked. Damn. Shut up. Imagine a nudist beach and Shane Gillis at it.
My tongue? Stop it. Fuck you. Thanks for coming.
You're humming hot. I'm humming hot right now. I'm on fire, dude. You're pinned. I'm going to try to dig my way out. All right. When that whole thing happened with Shane, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I was the first one to defend him. Number two, the first time I saw him perform, I thought to myself, Oh, I would never want to follow that. Yeah. He's a beast. Yes. He's an absolute beast, right? He's at the top of his game. Absolutely. He's got a beautiful girlfriend, right? Yes. I know his dad. I love him. Phil's a legend. Great guy, right? Yeah.
I've been only respectful to his family, right? I did a little dick. I did a little, I did a little dick.
Exactly. You walk-walked. I walk-walked.
And I only have the greatest admiration. He's one of the kings of the world right now. He's a beast. And I discovered this when we did... No, please don't call him. I discovered this when me and Shane were guest stars on the Bert and Tom show in Vegas. Yeah. I went up first, right? And he was supposed to go before me, and I switched it. I brought Shane on. Mm-hmm.
I have to say, Saturday Night Second Show was one of my best performances. Wow. But I also want to say this, okay? That you have no idea how I feel about you.
And this was in front of 15,000, 20,000 seats. I was there. Yeah, you were there. Yeah. And when I said his name, the kind of response that he got went through my, I had a spiritual awakening. Yeah. You felt that?
Is that a slam? Doesn't sound like that's what you said. I'll tell you what I said. I think you have bulgy eyes.
No, no. Oh, when it's positive, you want to move on? I'm over it. No, I'm not over it. All right? I love you like your family. And with my family, you kind of do little dig digs, right on the side.
We're cutting all that out. I have control of this podcast. We're going to cut all that out. Dude. Yeah.
That's it for me. Well, you know what? It was a good run. I think it's my way to get out. It's a good run. It's a good run. It's my way to get out. I'll get out. It's my way to get out.
I want to say I haven't slept a lot lately.
All you do is sleep. It's literally all I do. No, but the last three days I haven't because I've been traveling and stuff. Okay, I haven't been sleeping.
I'm not in my right mind. And I think that what I did was not right. And it was like, I don't even think that's how I really feel. I think it was just a guy just out of his mind talking. Dude, I get it. You get it. I respect it, man. And I apologize. You don't look like a security guard at a boutique. Honestly, I would have taken that over what you originally said.
That says I am there to secure the... And I think you were one of the first people to text me when I got hurt. when I woke up and I heard about it. And we have a great relationship.
Yeah, and last week when I went after you. You did. Yeah.
I apologize for that. I was like not in my right mind.
Okay. So I'm the one that needs to change. I'm the wrong. I'm the bad guy. That level of accountability. Yeah, and I'm ashamed. Don't be. Of the bullshit that I said.
I'm trying to figure out if I really believe what I said. So I'm going through that right now. You know what I mean? Just being honest with you. Do I really feel that way? Maybe, maybe not. But I shouldn't have said it out loud. That's okay. I'll tell you that right now. In fact, I will say this. I do believe what I said. All of it. Oh. But I shouldn't have said it out loud.
I haven't masturbated in five days.
Last night, I tried to, and I couldn't do it.
Yeah. Ari Shafir told me that, he said this out loud, so I, you know, that he, the way, you know, his girlfriend, great girlfriend, right? That the reason he met her in the first place is he wasn't masturbating for a long time. And then when that happens, it motivates you to like, you know, when you meet a girl, they're like, hey, meet us at the bar. You don't go? It motivated him to go.
Yeah, because he had four balls. Yeah, yeah. So I think it is a good advice.
Yeah, go empty the clip. And maybe that's why I'm acting the way I am today.
Yeah, you're just horned up, dude. I'm horned up.
And so, Shane, if you're listening, don't start a war with me. Yeah, dude. I'm horned up. You get what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, so I apologize. And I think people listening get it. Oh, huh. I think they get it. I think they get it too. Any rational person would get it. Yeah. Now, can I ask you another question? What do you think of Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix?
Yeah, I know. South on I-10. So years ago, a film critic in New York Times said that that's the best pizza on planet Earth. And it became a gigantic, hours away. Big planet. Yeah. Big planet to say Earth, dude. That's insane. And I went there again.
No, he's, Carlos, it would be better if you were honest.
Hartford, Connecticut, Funny Bone. They were so rude to me. That's why I've never been back.
No, the management there. Really? I did one weekend there, and the manager at the last night, and I'd seen him around all weekend, finally introduced himself. And he was kind of like, here's your check.
Would you have taken it if he was full balls? No, twice I've been there.
You know what? You're right. Maybe you're right. Yeah. So, Connecticut has the best pizza.
I think that it's the best in the top five I've ever had, probably.
I'm going to tell you something right now.
I think you're going wrong with it. I think you're going wrong with it, and I'm going to convince you otherwise. Kettle glaze? Yeah. The wrong way to go? Yeah. I would go, have you ever had sidecar?
Yeah. So now we know now you're fully gone, relapsed.
Yeah, you go, you don't need all of this. But I'm going to double down now, my friends, okay? And I'm going to show you something that's going to blow your minds, if I may. Please. In Korea. I'm already out.
That's the right answer. South or north?
So there's a, they have one now, so this is a Korean company that they have one in Koreatown, and it's called Old Fairy Donut. Okay. Okay.
No, that's not a real thing. You can call it.
Go. I honestly think Pizza Hut. Yes. Number one. Number one is Pizza Hut. Because the crust is buttery and something about it.
But it's not real. That's like a fake. I do meth, but I'm Colorado sober. That's Colorado sober. It's the same thing. It doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, but the pizza, Little Caesars is still around. Oh, yeah. Is it? Dude, what? Every corner.
When I play Chicago improv, sometimes they get me a fresh Lou Malnati. Yeah. It's pretty good. Yeah.
It's pretty good. It's very good. I like deep dish. I don't care what you feel about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love it. It's heavy. It's too heavy for a regular.
Yeah. Fork and knife. So I had this Filipino family, Kalilah's End, come from Philippines one summer. And we went to that deep dish pizza place in Los Feliz or Echo Park.
Masa. Yeah, masa. Yeah. Very good. Yeah, it's great. They didn't eat it. What? They don't know what it is.
It's just a mushed up tomato. They're not going to like that. But let me say something to you, y'all. Okay.
When I'm in a different country, I'll check all of it out, and I'll try it.
When I saw him in the alleyway in Australia, he had a glaze over his eyes. I don't know what he was on.
Yeah. They didn't even attempt it? Look at that thing. How would you not try that?
Yeah, take a bite. Being like, take a bite. I also made reservations. You guys got to check out this. Yeah. You know what I mean? Put thought into it.
It's their version of a chain food restaurant.
But they have spaghetti too. Show me Jollibee's spaghetti.
The producer? You know how sometimes you're in the mood for spaghetti and a chicken leg?
But the one in the Philippines that I've been to, the quality is different. It's better.
Yeah, yeah. In fact, I'm not going to, you know what, you're right. I'm going to be more mindful about it. I'm not going to say what I want to say about Julian McCullough. I think it's another war. Go ahead, let me hear it. You might as well, dude. You're starting it up. So when I met him, he used to live in LA. Yeah. Yeah. And I thought, what a handsome fella.
Yeah, I guess he's still got it. Okay. What did you think? Did you see him on an off night? Yeah, so when I saw him recently, he just got older. That's it. Like we all do.
Yes. Dan, how are you dealing with the fame? Brother day by day.
Can I tell you why you are? Because I'm hanging out with somebody. She was introducing me to these family members. Sure. And there was a guy involved. And he was like, do you know Dennis Holder? No, they were white. Oh. Sorry. You know what though?
No, he has lots of things. I do agree. I should have something. You have sugar-free Red Bull and cigarettes. Yeah, but sometimes I want more to drown my sorrows. What do you want? I mean, sometimes I would love to smoke weed, you know what I mean, to zone out. But you don't need to. I don't need to, and I've been... Three years, I haven't. So that's great. Yeah.
Yeah, but he is a huge fan of yours. Oh, that's awesome. He's like, I love, you know, what's he like? You know what I mean? Yeah. I swear to God. And I'm like, who, Dan? He goes, yeah, what's he like? He seems to be his biggest fan. He's the man. I've seen people talk about you many times. Really? So there is a level of fame, and you know it because when you go to clubs, you sell out, right? Yeah.
So why does that happen? Because I've been going to cities for years? That's not why. It's because your presence is elevated. Thank you. Yeah, I mean, you're right. Can we agree with that? So how are you dealing with it?
I just randomly walked in. Can I sit down on your podcast? Also, people that we have on this podcast are people that are elevated.
I'm shocked when people are like, come to my shows and it's sold out or whatever. I always turn to the manager and go, is there some sort of promotion going on? And they go, what do you mean? I go, I mean, is it a two for one or what's going on? He goes, no, it's regular price and you sold out. And I'm always, I look in the audience and I go, wow.
I'm glad you said that, because that was my worst turnout of all time. I aged them all of them. Oh, my God.
Because my fear, though, is that once that door is open, I do all the other stuff, and I can't have that. Yeah. So I just decide to do all... I mean...
That's crazy. I do get resentments, though, of clubs that didn't treat you well. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then now you won't play them? Yeah. I got a couple. What do you mean? Totally. I got a couple. Is that right, though? Is that healthy?
yeah the clubs I play now are the clubs are necessarily not because of the draw but it's because they treated me when I was down yeah really when I talked about Hartford Connecticut at that funny bone I was down then yeah right and I just want people to be regular and nice yeah when they're when they're when they're good to you when they don't have a reason to be I have loyalty yeah you're like oh cool then I'll come back
Yeah, you do pills, too. You do do pills.
I know, but I'm just... Sober Carlos. My history with Carlos is this. When I first met him, he was full-blown in Alcoholics Anonymous. It was great. And anyone that's in AA, right? People aren't because they had like, you know what I mean? An accident. It takes a lot of pain and suffering to drive you into a 12-step group.
And to be committed to it, right? So that's, you know your history with it, right? You know that you're an alcoholic and drug addict. Do you?
Okay. You have other addictions too, like sex? You relapse too.
I'm not arguing with you. This isn't like a tit for tat.
Have I done any drugs or alcohol since I got sober three years ago?
But this, okay. You see what he's doing? That's the drug addiction Jedi shit.
You're a rat trapped in a corner. You're a rat trap. Yeah, you're a rat trap, dude.
So Andrew did his special. He did four shows. I did. To cut it together. It's going to be a wonderful piece of artwork.
Oh, I saw a photo with you and Shane.
It's so funny because when I look in the mirror, I look at my character defects as well. So I know what my problems are. You don't know what your problems are?
You're complaining about something that didn't happen, though.
no no I do think it affected the way that I moved at the end moved tickets at the end oh I see do you know what I mean like it definitely changed because people the first time I played the Philadelphia Helium yeah I love that club I showed up at the club I'm not kidding it's not an exaggeration I showed up at the first show on a Friday night there was seven people
Right? And I kind of looked around. I go, oh, I guess I'm not big here. They're like, oh, no. It's just literally right across the street. Chappelle's there. And I go, oh, I got booked, right? And then the second show was full, and half the audience was like, oh, we saw the Chappelle show earlier, and we came to both. That's pretty rad. Still, the first show, I was going to kill myself.
Oh, my God. What do we call the people in the tower?
What is going on here? I don't know, man. Something's going on, though. Like, do you not believe? That could have been a disaster, dude. Yeah, everybody dead. Everyone dead.
I have a conspiracy. And I think it's connected.
So hear me out, guys. I heard your joke. And I'm sorry I didn't laugh.
Your resentment right now is so evident.
Andrew, was I gaslighting? No, there was no lighting there. Thank you. There was no lighting from Andrew.
Yeah, there's no light. And if you saw one, it was dim. Sodie! Sodie, sit down, you dum-dum. No, you're not a dum-dum, dude. Yeah, he's one of the dumbest, dude. He's one of the dumbest on Earth.
No. No. You're right. All right, let me finish this point, and then we'll get to you, Dan Soder.
The last time we did a gig together, you weren't that nice to me.
But there's no real this. Well, yeah, because it was two gigs we hung out with. I know. Where was it? On the Burt tour. On the Burt tour. So it's chaos.
Yeah, but I try to start conversations. There's no dick locking.
Let me finish my theory here, Dan, and we'll get to you. Okay. All right? Anyway.
I know where you store it, in your heart.
Yeah. So I think the reason why there's a connection between the flights, you know what I mean? Getting in these accidents. All the flight crashes. And the drones that we saw a month ago. Oh, the Chinese drones? Wasn't there a lot of drones a couple of months ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Around, right? New Jersey, right? New Jersey. It was in California as well. It was everywhere. Really? Yeah.
Could there be a link there, you think?
Do you ever see Zero Dark Thirty, brother? Oh, yeah. Have you seen Zero Dark Thirty? Yeah. I haven't. You haven't?
There's another documentary called Manhunt.
Okay. Well, guess who caught? Who did they track? Let me ask you. Who did they track to get to Osama bin Laden? Exactly, right? The courier. The mail delivery guy? No, he used one guy for information. So there was one guy that would drive to his- Abu Ahmed Al-Kuwait. Abu Ahmed Al-Kuwait.
I never talked about your dog. I mean, your wife. No, I'm kidding. That's crazy.
Right? That dude, right? Is that Amir K? It is Amir. And now he's doing stand-up. And he's very successful. You know what I mean?
Right, right, right. Just being a hilarious stand-up comic. Yeah. You don't use the courier for Osama bin Laden. In a movie, I would cast Michael PeΓ±a, I think. 100% looks like Michael PeΓ±a. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And not Amir Kay. No, it'd be Michael PeΓ±a. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so I think... So in the... One lady in the CIA was like, I think we should track the carrier. And everyone was like, no, no, no, no, no. Right. But that ended up being the truth. Yeah. And she didn't even really know what the connection was, but she followed a gun instinct. I think that's what I'm doing with the fucking drones.
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No, no, no. All right. Let that sink in. I don't want it to. Yeah, it's already. Just clean it off. Once you get HIV, you have it. Not anymore, dude. I know, but I haven't taken the cocktail yet. Well, please do. Yeah, so I just took some of HIV.
No, listen, if this is gonna be about the truth and if we're putting it on the table, let's just do it. Let's not like, you know, let's be cowboys.
Are you dazed? Yes. Or confused? Both? Both. Yeah. It was a great movie. Yeah, it was a great movie.
So I just heard your truth. And you know what? Nice, fancy, way to go. So anyway, wow, what a great trip.
Kangaroo balls there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kangaroo ball. Petrified. Yeah.
I didn't want to do so double soap it is too much like you get extra clean yeah what does that even fucking mean I didn't want to do two soaps but it's not your body it's your breath that's what they meant you can't wash that in the shower you can't wash you know can we discuss can we discuss that for a second okay there was no discussion there's not anything that smells particularly like that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why prostitutes don't kiss, yeah. Do you kiss them?
You go, that's a mixture of poo, pee, generations of it, right? Whatever, right? When you're in Skid Row, right? You kind of know what those smells are, you know what I mean? People that are BO, dirty, you know what I mean? Yeah. Et cetera, et cetera. I get that.
With his is a particular kind of skank. Pretty interesting. Yeah, stench. That you don't know quite what it is. Right, what is it? It's like there's salami, right? But then there's also dirt. But then there's also like, you know what I mean? Like, you know... Vomit. Vomit. Yeah, yeah.
But it's like, also, here's another thing that you can do, which is, I think, an X-Men power. You can project it from across the room. Whoa, that is like a power if you... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I... I can literally walk in a room and go, oh, Carlos is here before even I see you. Whoa. I'll be real. I'll go, oh, Carlos. I don't even have to look. You're just there. Does it leave a trail or something?
It's a projection. I don't know. It's weird. It's like a funk.
oh my god what are we going what was no no don't do that don't do that yeah yeah why i'm still alive though okay when's the last time you saw a doctor i'll see my dad in a couple days and i'll see what's up wait oh so your dad is your doctor oh yeah i just text him and then you call him doctor dad doctor dad on nbc wait a minute do you what does he ever run blood work on you
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even the blood is like, mm-mm. Even like when, like sometimes I'll say, get me mints.
I'm trying not to be rude. Right? It's a message. He doesn't get it. Yeah, get me gum, mints, right? And get me, you know what I mean? Toothpaste. Mouthwash, everything, right? It's not for me. I don't use it. It's for you. Okay.
We're getting it. We're getting it. Yeah, we're going to be doing that quite frequently on this podcast.
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I think you've influenced them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's basically baby know-it-all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. See how no one allows to influence each other?
Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Good boy. He's learning. Yeah. Good boy. You're actually coming... But my kind of know-it-all, Carlos, is you, right? What up, man? Yeah, what's up, bro? What's up? There's a few things he doesn't know.
You know what it is, dude? You're such a know-it-all. He does. He knows everything. He knows everything. It drives me crazy. Why'd you ask me then?
What am I doing? What? Who was that? You're a dentist? No, no. It's worse. Every woman that makes my life... Okay.
Bro. Bro, dude. That's the problem. That is. Yeah, yeah. I think we found it. Yeah, we found the problem. You're brushing your teeth with Sprite?
Just do it with Pop Rocks. Those fits do, dog. Do you smell? I mean, is there other smells in your body that you're not aware or privy to?
Yeah, you dip and smell. You dip and smell? Yeah, yeah.
I do also have to say that the shows versus the shows we did in America a couple years ago were way tighter.
We found a definitely groove with all of it. It just seems faster, tighter.
Stop, stop. That's it. So how is your sleeping?
She squirted breast milk and it's sour. It doesn't taste like oat milk or. Right.
Or any milk that I've ever had. It was like sour.
And can I say something too? Probably one of the best breasts I've ever seen. Gorgeous. You saw them, right?
Oh, Jake Lacey from... White Lotus. White Lotus.
I walked up to her and I just kind of grabbed her arms.
I'm like, God, you're fucking... I love... And Dakota? Dakota, oh my God. She's the shit. She's so not what you think.
But you see a lot of young actors, because I know a lot, that they play by the Hollywood rules so they don't want to say the wrong thing or they're just very in the middle about things. Political. Political. Yeah. She seemed to be, she reminded me more of a comic. She floats her own way. She's like cool. Doesn't give a fuck. She loved the show. Yeah. The show was wild.
I went Monday. Yeah, not tonight. And tonight. No, not tonight. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, yeah, yeah. So what time have you been sleeping?
No, there's got to be. That doesn't make sense. He does not.
I mean, just a little thing. What is it? I did go up to him before the show and I go, make sure you get me coming out.
Right. I do have to say my relationship with McCone got better on the trip. Mm-hmm.
No, not because of that. I feel like he was trying to, he was trying.
let's talk about the best hotels you think we stayed at I think the coolest one we stayed at was the W the W was good in Brisbane yeah that hotel was wildly dope but also my second was the Ritz Carlton the last night of yeah Was it Perth? What night? Perth.
Oh, the crown. The crown, I mean, yeah. Oh, the crown, yeah. But we had Nobu that night. Incredible. Incredible.
Oh, my God. You're going to drive me crazy with that pattern. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah. Here's another Memphis, Tennessee. Just a tank. Yeah. But it wasn't. That show was incredible.
Amazing. One of the best shows I think we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Since this is The Honest Show. Yeah. When you get low, you get low. When I get low. That's what I said.
Oh, right, right. No, when you get low, we can feel it.
Right? And there's always like a 12-hour period where it's like we just know not to. But what happens to your mind there?
Everyone that's listening, this is what he does. This is what he does, okay? Yeah. Because he's Mr. Know-It-All, okay? That's my new name. Yeah, Mr. Know-It-All.
It's scary. Yeah. I get really, I feel so bad for you. Well, thank you. No, I'm being real. I'm always like going, oh my God. I mean, I can't imagine.
We try to get you out of it, but then we don't even, we don't say anything. I don't think I said anything to you that day. No, you didn't. Yeah, yeah.
And so Mr. Know-It-All, he obviously, we do a group meeting. We do. when he has his little TED Talks, right? He goes, this is what we need to do.
So he says, from Perth to Australia, right? Don't sleep at all. We were in the airport. Perth to Sydney. Sorry. Okay. That's another know-it-all thing you just said. I'm going to let it go.
Yeah, like the good old days. There's a resentment. Your behavior, there is. There is something there. There has to be something there.
I know, but the problem with the Australia trip is that there was just too much traveling. I mean, what I would want is to be in Sydney for two or three extra days, two days, so we can travel around. I know we lose money that way.
Dude, I'm Mr. Know-It-All. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Know-It-All. That's my gig. All right, so from Perth to Sydney, don't sleep it up, which is like a four and a half hour flight. Four hours, yeah. What did I do? Slept the whole time. The whole time. I stayed awake the whole time. Because when he says something to do, I go the opposite. Smart. I'm Know-It-All's nemesis. Wait a minute.
You mean London. So when we go to London. No, when we go to London, I don't want to be like flying in and flying out. I want to spend two or three days. I want to go to the Emirates and look at the Arsenal.
We go there? Yeah, yeah. Can I say something about you? Yeah. She saw the Champions League game. Did you see it or the highlight?
And so I know. What do you mean? Same thing. I would love to bond with you. I know. I love it. So let me ask you something about our bond, right? Yeah. Do you love the team?
Why do you think it is that she likes the team? Why? Because of my passion.
Yeah, so here's what happened, okay? We were going to go and then you go, I don't want to have lunch.
But then you were mad that we had lunch without you. Because you went to a fucking five-star restaurant.
We looked and looked and looked, and then we found this place, and then- Oh, we stumbled into a Michelin restaurant? No, literally we did. We walked by it- Cause there's no sign.
It was like stumbled into a Michelin restaurant. Yeah. So then I go, no, we Googled it. There it is. Yeah.
So there was a, so we walked by and then, and then, and you go, I don't think we it's here. I think it's gone. Yeah. I go, I think, you know that fancy door that's got stairs going down?
Yeah, and she checked. It was the restaurant. Yeah, gold flag. And you had to ring a doorbell.
Right? Then we got buzzed in. Yep. Walked down the stairs and it was probably one of the best meals we had, I think, there.
Something like that, yeah, the Gidley. The Gidley.
Yeah, and we sat there and then we didn't... Did we talk?
yeah and then so we educate her and she memorized a bunch of things and now you can wear the jacket I think I think you can wear the jacket I really like them because it's like I get super into certain shows like Mr. Robot wait wait why are you guys laughing no it's cute why because it's sweet there's something else look at Carlos I don't I just thought it was nice
That's what it is. Yeah. Right? So I say no. I slept the whole way, right?
Because it's something that no one ever wants to talk about with me.
I love this. She's doing it. But I really like it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounded... What? The reason why I like soccer is because... When you do score, it's just that much more potent.
I got invited to a Thanksgiving with somebody. Should I go, you think?
No, I just think that it would be like an interesting story. Of course.
Well, can I say something to you? Have I not been showing up to places? No, you do. Lately, I've been being very mindful about going to different places.
And when I get invited and I go. But I'm saying. I go to raves, whatever.
If you're going to be anal, then no. I am, I'm sure. Well, I'm gonna be a mess.
There's another thing that I've noticed is at this comedy store, people have been like, I had a waitress come up to me and go, have you been working out? I go, no. Why are you laughing? I'm saying the Ozempic is working. And then Steph Tolove goes, oh, I see it now.
What are you doing? See, that's what I'm saying. He wants me to overdose on Ozempic. No, don't do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wants me to die.
No, I'm still on, I have black mark in Ozenta too. Oh, you do?
Well, last night I went to Shabu Shabu. It was my first meal. Of the day. Of the day. And then after the store, Andrea Jin goes, let's go have dinner. I'm like, I already ate. And she's like, just go. So I went to... Soon and Dang. Right? And they had a couple of dumplings. That's nothing. And then I went to, dude, I've been going to Wii Spa every day. It's been great.
In fact, last night at Wii Spa, it's so interesting. I'm in the fucking dry sauna, completely naked. And I sit like this. That's how you're supposed to sit. You know what I mean? I just got to sit like this. I lean like this. And there's a lot of black guys in there, which I love. I go, what's up, bro? I go, what's up, man? You got to show off. Yeah, and I do this.
I'm not afraid of my little guy, right? There's two white dudes sitting there, and I'm looking at them like this. I was looking at them like this, and they were like, what are you looking at, man? You guys. Yeah, I'm looking right at you. Yeah, yeah, and they go, oh. And I go, what do you guys do? I go, we're actors. We just moved here from, I forgot where.
You know, I got there, and we talked a little bit about, it's dry, you know what I mean? And then later when I'm done, they come up to me and they go, you're Bobby Lee, I can't believe it. I go, why didn't you say that in the dry song? Yeah, why'd you say that?
But it's like, you can just say, you're Bobby Lee, right? What's the problem here?
That's what I'm talking about. You're Bobby Lee.
Yeah, I love. When's the last time you went to Wii Spa? Forever. Yeah.
Why? There's a women's department. There's a women's department.
no so we suppose it see that's see what see that photo right there they give you clothes and so there's a like a you know a co-ed area of the spa but there's no nudity there's no nudity where there's like a clay room a salt room and then we're fully clothed with other people right and you steam out there and do your thing there you can meditate you can there's yoga there's a women's department too right anyway the controversy was if you go to we spa there's kids sure
Running around. You know, there's like a lot of like, in my section, little boys running around.
Yeah, yeah. Even late at night, you'll see like a Korean kick on. You know what I mean? Right, and you're trying to like, you know, maybe be cool, you know, but you know what I mean? Yeah. You gotta be cool. Gotta be cool, man. So a couple years ago, a man, a woman, a trans woman, right, who hasn't had the procedure. Sure. Went to the women's department. Uh-huh. And there's little girls there.
So, oh, you're right. But I refuse. Right. Good for you.
Right. I think that's what happened, right, Reed? It's right here. Yeah, and then- There was protests because they kicked the guy out, the girl out.
Yeah, do it again, dude. Ready? Yeah, yeah. Well, this is out. This is stopped. I had my eyes closed. No, okay. Because I couldn't breathe. You're the guy in choir. I really liked it. Keeps going. I really liked it. Let's do it one more time. Ready? Right, but I want to keep your eyes with it. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh. Dude, we're like a barbershop quartet. That was incredible.
But it's also a cultural thing. It's a Korean establishment, right?
And they're like, you know, it's just a different culture. And it was just like, what else are they going to do?
I'm talking about five, six-year-old kids running around. Right. And it's just a part of Korean culture to bring your kids to a spa. It's like, you know. Yeah. And I would do it if I was a father. And I don't know. I just think that it's inappropriate.
And here's another thing that I did. A long time ago, you and I went bowling.
Yeah. But they're little girls, right? So he's in the women's department.
I know, but look at that photo to the left, right?
Fun, fun, fun. Like Clint Eastwood's dust dick.
But then when we went to Sonny's birthday party, right, Charles Melton taught me exactly what you taught me, but I listened to what he said.
When did clothes first start happening? Cavemen probably.
Yeah. As soon as like Leroy moved into the crowd.
Do you remember? Yeah, yeah. Right? And I started bowling correctly, right? And I looked at you, and I think you were a little upset by it.
You know, I want to move into the village where the Changs live.
But do you think that if you had a time machine and you went back where cavemen were, right? And you were wearing modern clothes, they would freak out? They probably, well, they'd kill you on sight. Like I'm wearing a FUBU tracksuit. You don't own that, do you? I know, but I would buy one. Like a full FUBU tracksuit. Yeah, they might like it. A fedora.
Do you think they'd be like... They'd kill you on sight. Oh, they would? Well, because you'd look like a future person.
Yeah. If we show up, me, Donnell. Yeah, yeah. You. Who else? Me. Doc. Me, you, Doc, Donnell. Yeah, Donnell. And just with full-blown identical tracksuits. Fubu tracksuits? Fubu tracksuits.
Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, you know, if he teaches me something, I refuse to listen. But if it's like anybody else, right, with the same knowledge, because he has all, he's Mr. Know-it-all, right? Mr. Know-it-all. But I don't know why that is. Why is that, you think?
Like that one movie, is it Alive or? Alive, yeah, the soccer team. The soccer team, yeah. Would you do it? I don't know what, I presume I would because I don't know what extreme hunger is like.
Yeah. Nothing. All right. Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend. Great.
I hadn't ridden a bike since I was in high school and we rode a bike in fucking Australia.
Because I'll tell you why. Yeah. May I tell you why?
They're so cute. Rice, they're so cute. They're so fucking cute. Edible, by the way. They look very edible. Yeah. They look like porgs.
Little Andreses. So here's the situation here, guy, my friend. I'll tell you how the quokkas came into my... I told you, right?
Jim Jefferies. Right. Months ago, pulled me aside, mate, you gotta see the quokkas. Yeah. He told me the island and everything, right? So I've been thinking and dreaming about quokkas a long time. I get that. Yeah. And then when we got there, some fucking bloke, some Australian bloke, says to me, mate, you know why they call it Rottnest Island? I go, why?
And he goes, because the first guy that went there, right, thought they were rats. So in my mind, I'm like, oh, they're not as... Because what we see, I thought they were going to be real small like rats. Me too, yeah. Right? But then when I saw... That's me. Look at that. You've taken a photo with one so beautifully.
Yeah, the little joey's coming out of the stomach. Dude, that was like magical. In love. In love with that.
Yeah, that was the last second. We were about to board the boat to go home. Well, because I don't... You know, when people go crazy over celebrities...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go less crazy. I take a step back and I go, you know, I'm better than that, right? So there was a lot of quokka fawning. A lot of fawning. Yeah, right. So I'm like, no, you know what? I'm really cool about this. But after like two or three hours, I was like, what the fuck are you doing? It's a fucking quokka. Take a photo.
Because I had the little baby in the stomach one.
Yeah, but I closed except for the one. Except for one what? One of the shows. You didn't close, what do you mean? Let me finish. He knows what I'm talking about.
What did I do? I wasn't there, but I get the picture. You'll get the picture, right? So there's one show where he goes, you know what, Bob? I'm going to close this particular one. I'm like, wow, I thought I was going to close all of them. Right? And then it was the show that it was Dakota Fanning, Sarah Smooch. Smooch? Bridie and Slim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smooch. Right? Sure. Yeah, yeah.
Now what I'm saying is that, so the one show that your celebrity friends are coming, you're like, I want to close because I want to make it seem.
Yeah. That's my partner, Brian. I love what you're doing. I love what you're doing right now. Dude, these are their words. Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't think... They go, I don't like him as a stand-up or as a podcaster.
It sounded so beautiful to me. You kept the tone.
It was just an observation. I don't know if it's the truth. But I'm giving you the truth. It could have been one show where you're like... Here's the deal. It could have been one show. It was like, you know what? I just feel like closing out the second show.
That was great. Well, welcome back. Welcome back, Carter. And let me say something. That's when you said, don't say welcome back again because I think of welcome back. Welcome back. Yeah, yeah. Number one, I want to say we got back from Australia. And my sleep schedule is so wickily. Yesterday I woke up at five. Today I woke up at three. You know what I mean? Carlos looks confused and dazed.
All right. What I'm saying is, is that. So your beef is not with me, pal. It's with the rat. All right. We call that rat. Rat island.
Let me say. All right. First of all, right. You rat fuckers, dude. Yeah, you both do, you rat fuckers. And number two, right? Don't hide now, pal. Don't hide. I'm going to say something to you, okay? You're one of the best comics on... First of all, cut it out. Let me finish. Stop, cut it out. He's one of the best comics on planet Earth, okay? No. Listen, right?
We're playing in front of thousands of people, right? Do you know how hard it is? I'm blocking your face. Do you know how hard it is to follow this guy in any environment? He says this every time. We say the same thing about you. Okay. So my point is, is that, you know what I mean? I'm sorry that I, at times, don't want to work that hard. No. Okay? I'm sorry. I don't want to work that hard.
Now you two rats, right? Time out. Real fast. Real fast. The truth is out there and I love the truth.
I just said, listen to me. I just admitted that I do complain. And now, that was some fucking Jedi shit, dude. That was on co-op.
Now you're seeing it as an adult. So let me just go to the committee, okay? So McCone, all right? Now I have to burp. Yeah, McCone, look at me. Why do you think he wanted to go second? Just in your opinion. You know what I mean? Your opinion that only the second show on Melbourne...
He's great. He's great. He's a star.
I'll say it in Korean. I'll say it in Korean. Okay, I hear you. I'll say it in Korean. Jingu na.
What does Jingu mean? You've said it enough on this show.
Lass mich dir etwas sagen. Und ich kann nicht glauben, dass du das machst, weil ich das sagen werde. Geh schon. Als ich von dem Mann verhaftet wurde, war er in einer Volksband.
Und ich habe ihn performen sehen. Auf dich? Nein, danach. Nach dem Show.
They do? Yeah. Not when they're being eaten by Chewbacca. Do you remember that scene where he grilled a porg?
Er war sehr gut. Er war sehr gut.
Ja, und ich hatte eine PTSD-Reaktion zu dem Show. Und ich musste weg. Okay. Und ich gab ihm 200 Dollar.
Ich kann nicht glauben, dass du das gemacht hast.
So when we were doing the animation today, we did a little work. You gave me a lot of notes.
Yeah, and he gave me some notes. Andrew did? Some line readings, yeah. A lot. That's good. A lot. Every other line. Every other line.
Yeah, but then you're like, be a bat. Be a bat. So I'm literally... In the window. You guys know the truth. I brought something out of him, just like we do on the show.
Oh, it's the Mexican Venus Flytrap. I gotta catch it like this?
I also have a magical thing that happened to me. It's not really a comedy thing. It's a real thing, if I may share it. The molestation with the Down-Syndrom-Kids? No, no. That was funny. That was very funny. Rocket Money! Rocket Money!
You think so? No. Ow, dude, you actually hurt your hand. All right. Let's start from the top. I don't like the way it started. Let's sing the song again.
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Shopify.com slash bad friends. As you know, I just did a movie in Oklahoma City. With a bunch of young Hollywood. Name some of the names. No.
It's the same words over and over.
Okay, so, um... I was in Oklahoma City. You were. I felt depressed. And I thought maybe I should use. That I don't like. So guess what I did? Went to a meeting. I took my phone out. I have this meetings app on my phone. I went to a meeting. Then I felt good. Then what did I do the next night? I went to another meeting. Und dann war ein Kind im Film, der auch sauber war.
Ich habe ihn zu einem Meeting genommen. Und dann bin ich nach Dallas gegangen, um... Was heiΓt das Show? Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. Ja? Ja, ja, ja. Dr. Phil. Und ich weiΓ, du hast auch ein paar GefΓΌhle darΓΌber, die wir spΓ€ter teilen kΓΆnnen. Ja. Wir teilen es immer. Ja, ja, ja. Stabwunde? Jesus. Das ist verrΓΌckt. Warum lachst du? Wie weiΓt du das? Weil ich ihn gefragt habe.
I go, dude, what the fuck? He goes, yeah, you know, when I was super using, I used to stab myself in the neck. And he goes, but he teared up and he was like, you got me sober. No, that's awesome. And I go, what? He goes, I mean, you talk about sobriety. And then I go, what do you do tonight? I go, how many meetings have you been going? He hasn't been in meetings in years.
So I go, you know, you're not doing it for you, you're doing it to help others. So I said to meet me at this random meeting and he showed up. We sat next to each other and I think he, there was a shift that happened. Oh, you're smiling.
I think this is very important. And then afterwards we, I sound his body. Okay.
Because he wanted a tattoo of my signature.
Of my signature on his chest. And then he got me two pants. He bought you pants? Yeah, he works at a store. I like these pants, but... And so, um... I don't know. I didn't get them, but he got me two brand new pairs. And then, um... Can I say something?
Is there a beans on toast coming?
Alright, I'll stop. I'll tell you why the disrespect from Andreas.
Because literally, when you're saying something very sincere and heartfelt and real, and I, dude, I felt it, dude. I'm trying to be real. Dude, I'm connected to you. This is what I see from this guy. You're mocking me. No, him. This is what Andreas is doing. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
I want a cappella. I think that's my problem. No, I want the first chunk again. No?
No, I'm Bobby Mom. So, what I'm saying though is not that I did anything.
No, I didn't. I didn't do anything. What I'm saying is that I believe that when you make a choice like I'm going to really commit to sobriety, you're open, right, to situations that you may be able to help somebody indirectly almost. You know, I mean, I didn't do anything. I just said, hey, dude, let's meet me at this meeting. That's very direct.
It's not that funny today.
He's Spanish. Oh, okay, so. Cumplianos, filis.
Are there no white strips in Spain? Why are your teeth so yellow?
Is that too much? Oh, it hit him. That one hit him.
There he goes. He's hitting you.
Okay. Are you doing... Can I ask another simple question? Sure. It's gonna be a Christmas miracle. Wait for Christmas.
Huh? You call them Fitzy? Fancy? Oh, okay.
No, but the chaperone, you know how it works, right? Not really.
We should do it. No, no, no.
I'll tell you how it works.
And you didn't show up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, can I tell you how it works? Yes. Please. You pay for it. Sounds pretty easy. And then you show up. Right. And you show up at the log... There's a log cabin-y kind of fucking... Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Log cabin-y kind of like a hotel-y lobby thing. Yeah. Where there's like, you know, a fire. Sehr deskriptiv, richtig?
Ja, was ist das? Also dann kommt eine Frau in dieser Suisse und sie sagt, Bobby, ich bin dein Schaperon fΓΌr heute, richtig? Und dann sagst du, wo sollen wir gehen? Sie sagt, geh, wo du willst. Ich sage, wir mΓΌssen nicht in der Linie warten? Sie sagt, nein. Wow. Also du kannst ΓΌberall gehen. Acht Grand pro Person? Nein, fΓΌr die ganze Gruppe. Per Familie.
Also du kannst eine Gruppe von zehn bekommen und acht bezahlen. Ja. Richtig? Und dann musst du nicht, wie das Rollercoaster in California Dreaming. Ich bekomme nicht die asiatischen. Ja.
Although that money really took a hit.
That is true. Yeah, yeah. And it was the first time I was meeting her son. And I'm like, I wanna, you know what I mean? Because I'd never met the kid before.
Right, and so I wanna give him... But then he left this lightsaber at the park and I got mad.
Dieser Junge, ich habe ihn, glaube ich, verarscht.
Aber wenn wir als Gruppe gehen ...
Are you really? God, imagine being 45 as a director and not directing anything. I mean, I've never seen... Wow.
With your kids? So maybe we can get to know your family? I've never met that.
He has one child, just one kid. Oh, whatever. Yeah, yeah. One, two, doesn't mean much.
In the whole time in your mind, she's going, see, see, see. If I said to you, I jerked off to your wife, why would that be wrong? Es ist nicht so. Es ist okay. Es ist eine Fantasie. Stimmt das dich? Ja.
Ja. Γber. Ich bin fertig.
Off the sides, not doing any of it. Wow. Do you know why? It's over, that's why. It's not gonna happen again. No, come on. Yeah, yeah. It's over! Beep, beep, beep! Train's dead. I know what the beep, beep was about, but it's fucking over. I'll tell you why, dude. There's a lot of deception going on. There's a lot of this going on, right? Hey, you wanna go out this night, right? And they go, yes.
And then the night comes, I make reservations, and they bail. On the night of the... Yeah, where I make reservations, you know what I mean? And I have a whole... And then I have to take the night off of stand-up. Right? Take the night off, right? And then they bail. It's just like, alright. Like, tomorrow night, I'm going to a place, I'm going to meet somebody. Very special tomorrow night.
He's having an art exhibition and then his producers called me and said, you're invited and we want you to come.
It's his birthday today. Happy birthday, man. You know what? Can I say something? You do the best YouTube videos. Wenn ich YouTube sehe, denke ich, oh mein Gott, das sollte ein Kriterium sein. Top notch.
You can come with me. No, no, no. What I'm saying is that I'm done with women. Bong Joon-ho. I'm off the sites. I am feverishly masturbating, but I need to stop that. What are we talking? Twice a day? No, I've been doing it twice, but now like every other day now. Every other day. Because the other day I was doing 14 days in a row, I didn't do it.
I think that's not right. But, no, I think you're right. I think, here's what it is, I think it's just either gonna happen or not.
Yeah, because it's like, also, you know, I swipe all the time on Raya and I get no hits.
So, das ist es, worauf du aufhΓΆrst. KΓΆnnen wir in meine Messungen bei Raya gehen? Ja. Und sehen, ob ich es richtig mache.
Oh nein, ich habe verletzt. 5 Sekunden hervorragend.
Okay, also lasst uns mal random anfangen. Also ich habe eine Nachricht zu Alexandra geschrieben. Oh, das ist eine lange Sache. Lass mich mal sehen. Und dann, ich weiΓ nicht, ob ich... Oh ja, ich bin blau. Bist du noch in L.A.? Leider bin ich es. Ich sage, ha ha ha ha ha. Warum magst du es nicht? War das gut so far? Nein. Fuck, lass uns zurΓΌckgehen.
I go, hi's, apostrophe s. Is that good? No, I don't think so. She goes, hey, and I go, I sent a message through Insta, if that's cool. Nothing.
Manchmal gehen Tage vorbei. Ich verstehe. Willst du eine lesen? Ja. Ja, geh schon. Ja, ja, ja. Well, hello. Ist das ich?
Whoa! Shots fired. Shots fired. Can I say something? I came in smiling. Where did that come from?
And Blue Chew's tablets are made in the USA. USA! USA! USA! USA! DraftKings Sportsbook!
Okay, all right. Fine. All right. But can I ask you guys, Andrew, can I ask you a question? Please. Name me one movie. Just let's be factual here. Yeah. Name me one movie that Andreas has directed.
Nein, nein, ich habe das da drin. Ich meine, einige von ihnen sind schwer, weil sie in Austin lebt. Oh, dann ist es egal. Ich wusste nicht, dass sie Kinder hat.
Don't say that. Yeah, yeah. I love the little ones. You love when people have kids. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, is that who? She has a kid? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.
What about this though? I went on a date with somebody last week and her kids are teenagers, two boys. That's great. And they're gigantic fans of mine. She'll go like, what does Bobby Ma mean? I go, oh, nothing, don't worry, yeah. Just call me. Yeah, what's Down Syndrome? I go, what do you mean? She's like, something happened? Like, she doesn't, she's not a fan, she gets it all from her kids.
I pay the cover. Girls, girls, girls. Oh, girls, girls, girls.
Yeah, okay. And then I go, what do I say?
No, no, no, what I'm saying, Women that want to be surrogates or whatever. Yeah, it's a surrogate. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then it's an app, you can swipe through, they can give their college education. Mm-hmm. Hey, if it's a divide, it's fine.
Same kind of thing. Can you do it organic, though, implants?
I don't feel comfortable with the squirties.
No, no, no, but no, no, no, no, no. Generational trauma. Well? Because that's what I have from my parents' war.
The boy doesn't like me, but maybe the... White Walkers. They're already habation, so... Yeah, yeah. Can Carlos be my surrogate? Yeah, kind of. Can you carry?
Can you implant a uterus in somebody and have a baby with them? You can.
Yeah, I can't move to Austin. No business. Give me a reason why. Dallas? Austin. Why I can't move there? Yes.
I think guests would go there.
No, there's probably good AA out there.
Like from the kid from Minnesota to nothing.
Yeah. And it's addiction city. What a fucking asshole you are. You texted me the other day, I didn't text you back. No, you didn't. Because of the Addiction City stuff, dude.
It's that energy. And then you looked at me earlier like, hey, Dad. And I didn't really give you anything, did I? No. I will after this. Yeah, I will after this.
And you'll put it out at the end of 2026? Yeah, they go, this is the final last.
Yeah, I have a whole fun closer. That's crazy. I just need about 20, 25 minutes. I'm getting there. We'll get there. Yeah, this hilarious thing.
Yeah, dude, what are you trying to do, dude?
Nothing happened. The deal is going.
Nein. Weil er in meinem Teil ist. Wow. Er ist in meinem Teil. Du bist in seinem Teil. Oh mein Gott. Okay, kann ich etwas zu dir sagen, Arschloch? Ich? Ja, Arschloch. Ich werde es dir sagen. Lass mich das nennen. Letzte Nacht, Tim Dillon und Marcelo Hernandez. Ja, er ist lustig. Tim sagt, hey, willst du in eine Rappersparty gehen? I go, what's a rapper party? I know a rapper.
So they take me to this gigantic, in this, on Wiltshire, this gigantic building. The rapper lands with a helicopter. Who's the rapper? I don't know. Love that. I have no idea who it is, right? But, you know, you got recognized the most.
Can I say something? I respect it. The kid didn't go to the meeting? Did you believe that? Those big stab wounds in the neck? You're a great actor sometimes. Thank you so much.
You're a great actor sometimes. Here's the trick though. All of it did happen. I know it did. So there you go in your face. I know it did. Yeah, I'm a mind tricker. I know. Yeah, yeah. Tricker. I'm a mind tricker. Yeah, you gotta be careful. Okay, sorry, my bad.
I love your family, dude. I really do.
Is your sister still out there?
She's in love. She's in love in Chicago.
You know I love Chicago because the professor, the pizza professor guy.
war Chevy Chase auf der BΓΌhne?
I did mine in Dallas with Jamie Kennedy.
No, I'll be honest, I was dreading it, but I really did have fun.
Aus meiner Sicht. Ich ging von dem Film frΓΌh nach Dallas. Also musste ich drei Tage in Dallas warten, um das Show zu machen. Ja, du warst da. Also musst du verstehen, dass es ein bisschen Resentiment bildet. Du hast recht. Was mache ich hier, Mann? Was zur HΓΆlle? FΓΌr wie viel? Und ich habe das nur wiedergegeben. Und dann sind wir zu einem Meeting gegangen.
Wir sind zu einem Meeting gegangen, um sich zu entspannen. Und ich wollte wahrscheinlich mit dem Kind treffen. Du warst definitiv da.
Ich muss sagen, dass ich diesen Montagabend-Meeting nicht sagen kann, wer es ist, aber er ist ein gigantischer, gigantischer, gigantischer Musiker. Warte. Hab ich dir schon mal ΓΌber meinen Montagabend-Meeting erzΓ€hlt?
Es ist nicht ein Celebrity-Meeting.
It's a men's meeting, but it's old rock legend. Steven Tyler. No, he's not in it. Axl Rock. Oh no, we're not doing this.
Slash. What? Slash. No, no, it's not, no, it's not. Bill Lesch. It's the anonymity part, I can't say this part anyway. Oates. Okay. Oates. Yes. And Garfunkel. Oates, Garfunkel, the other guy from Wham. Hall. Yeah, yeah. Um. Aber er ist wirklich einer der GrΓΆΓten, richtig? Ich bin seit 20 Jahren in dieses Meeting gegangen.
Und ich versuche ihn zu sehen. And I wore his t-shirt the other day. So dumb. I did.
So I had the shirt and I was doing this. Sitting like this. He's literally direct in my eyeline. He won't look over.
And then I made up the story when I shared. And got everyone all emotional.
Yeah. Still nothing. But anyway, I don't know why I said that. But what happened at the Monday Night Meeting that was important?
I mean, I can bring cookies.
No, no one brings anything.
I'll go, hey. You could be like, I'll bring my cookies. So I shared that story, Dallas and the kid. And I got everyone teared up in the room. Of course, it's beautiful.
Bad Friends. Chain of Death. Oh, Puppet Cop was great. Your puppet cop was so underrated. I know, I know. You're under arrest. I know, I know. Exactly.
Oh my God, are you ready? I have seeds. Something's happening. I have seeds and bottles of water.
Let's get trailers. Let's get trailers. I'm being real. No one's gonna kill podcasters.
All right. No, but really, when you mean revolution, what do you mean?
But if you see... I think it's going to happen. ...these town halls now, right? You can see the anger. And you're seeing people that normally wouldn't protest and say things just screaming and interrupting. And, you know what I mean?
That's it. All right. Puppet cop. Puppet cop. Great. Underrated. Green plastic sandals. You thought that red plastic sandals was good? Green?
Okay, we gotta get seeds. We'll get the seeds. Okay. I've always wanted seeds and I wanted to watch them grow. Yeah, we'll get some seeds. You can do that. Can you do it?
We gotta get seeds. I see them on TikTok a lot. You see TikTok seeds?
Oh my God, that's an... I do it. And they're cuter when they have it. Well, the koala is. Look at the koala with its little fat tongue sticking out.
I think they all do. Yeah. Anyway, seeds. Let's go back to seeds.
You want seeds. I think there's going to come to a time when peak oil happens. Peak oil. You know peak oil? When we run out of oil? No, it's not when we run out. We get to the top precipice of where oil, right, we can get it. And then the demand is going to be too high, because the world is growing, population-wise. And we have bigger, like... Wir haben Empires, wie Indien und China, richtig?
Und wenn wir die Bedrohung nicht haben, dann beginnen die Dinge zu brechen. Weil Fossilfuel nicht etwas ist, das man einfach machen kann. Es ist einfach da. Und dann, wenn du es alles fertig hast, ist es nicht mehr da. Wir finden dann etwas. Hopefully, but my point is that after peak oil and then all of a sudden we can't get blueberries from Mexico or whatever. We don't need them.
Okay, then you can't get plantains from Brazil.
But Jimmy Carter, back when he was president, was talking about peak oil back then.
I thought it was a prequel to Cocaine Bear.
I've never asked for an autograph, have you?
I didn't know anybody. Well, you were deprived of all... Maybe the local barber.
How much is it going for? $67.
And the Oscar-nominated Escape. Escape.
It exists. Oh, that's a $50 what? Just one of our tour posters? With all of us? Or just you and I? Wow.
Dude, dude, dude. These kids gone. No, can I just say something? That tone was insane. That was crazy, dude.
Oh, how can you forget about snapshots?
Oh, very good. Very good. Alright, let him finish.
I have something serious to say.
Do you have an Andres pinata, dude? I'll show you what I do. Let me see if I can get a hold of somebody here. Hello? Hello?
Bobby war gut genug, um seinen Namen an die Show zu geben.
Ja, lass uns hΓΆren. Zuerst einmal, ich entschuldige mich. Hast du das gehΓΆrt? NatΓΌrlich. Zweitens, hast du mein Geld bekommen? FΓΌr was? FΓΌr die Charity, richtig? Ja, ja. Und kann ich etwas sagen?
Ein paar BΓΌcher. Ein paar BΓΌcher, ein paar von, weiΓt du, wo du die GrΓ€ts fΓΌllst. Ich weiΓ nicht, wie Schule funktioniert, aber ein paar Dinge. Pencils. Ja.
Wo denkst du, dass das Geld geht? Was ist der Vorteil?
So why did I walk in and see little kids on stage playing the guitar?
Well, who was on stage playing? It was like Mary, Paul and Mary. What was it called?
Yeah, there's two Marys in that band. Was there not singing there? Was that?
Aber es ist nicht so. Ich habe die RΓΌckseite geschaut. Es gab eine Menge Γ€ltere MΓ€dchen dort und es ging um musikalische Dinge. Ich bin zu Tim Dillon gegangen und habe gesagt, weiΓt du was, ich gebe nur 200 Dollar fΓΌr die Charite.
Oh, here we go. This is how we're going to do it? Oh, we're going to do this?
I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay.
Number one, I'm sorry. I bought some books for a cherry that doesn't exist. Okay. Okay. But you did grab the $200 put in your pocket. That's good.
He gave it to the busboy. Good.
And that busboy, what is he going to get? Corn? They love corn. They love the corn, right? They like, you know, making... Wait a minute.
How would Trump define it? How would Trump define it, if you saw him? Would it be a plane to go to...
I think you're right. Well, thank Tim Dillon.
One of our most loyal... I had a gig at the Ice House. Were you not running behind?
I just made a bunch of assumptions and I'm so sorry. I thought it was a charity for kids. You know I love you.
Es war eine fucking Party. Es war nicht nur ein Show. Es war auΓerhalb davon. Okay, ich werde jemanden auf den Bus werfen. Gehen Sie. Okay. Und hier gehen wir, Greg. Okay. Ja. Ich nenne nicht Annie oder Tim, richtig? Aber jemand, der auf dem Show war, sagte das. Die Grund, warum sie so hart lachen, ist, weil die Musik seltsam war.
Ich kann es dir nicht erzΓ€hlen.
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Yeah, so it's like whenever I see Hope Corps videos and I relate it to my own life, they wouldn't happen.
Yeah, yeah. I got stem cell replacement from Mike Driscoll. Buddy, buddy, buddy. Buddy.
If you're going to finish it, it's really good. Yeah? Very good. Yeah. I'll take a bite.
You're an old Korean man. Yeah, but I'm not playing Mike Driscoll. I'm Mike Driscoll. I'm the guy. So I said, I got stem cells from Mike Driscoll. Sure. So why can't I say that as the Asian man?
Shoot him up, bang him up. Anyway, man, I got... Why am I celebrating? Oh, you're Cam Patterson now. Yeah, why am I celebrating? Oh, years ago, man, some guy gave me stem cell research, and it was Mike Griscoll. What did he give you? Stem cells in my spine.
Yeah. You say, I'm Tony Oksko. All right, you got it.
God damn it. How do you get the shit out of my spine? Right. And he oozes it into a fucking... He was a new cop. Suck it out. Right? And then he gets it back to him. Here you go, black guy.
You just won't leave. He just steps up. Yeah. That didn't make me jump enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew I had sickle cell. So anyway. His glaucoma was kicking in. That's interesting. But see how happy. Would you be excited? Oh, yeah, dude. If somebody saved my fucking life. All right, here we go. Let's play it out. You don't have to. Do it. You're the guy now.
You're the one that's telling everyone that you had some Stelsum. Stelsum. Stelsum. I had Stelsum.
Well, I follow all my stem cells. You're not the only one, man, that has stem cells, my stem cells. I have stem cells in every city in America. You spread around your stem cells. Yeah, so I follow all of them around, man. I want to know where my cells are at, dog. Well, it's great to meet you. Thank you, man. How are they working out for you? Good, I think. Good. Yeah.
Yeah, well, how about a thank you? How about it? Thank you. You're welcome. You're welcome, sir. Just confuse him.
It breaks my heart when the dad shaves his head. Why are you laughing? What are you laughing at? You're insane, Carlos. You are insane, dude. Yeah. You're insane. What?
You don't have to do it. You're bald anyway.
It's really good. Are you a baker? Is that your side hobby? I cook, I bake, yeah. Do you watch the Great British Bake Off? Oh, I sure do, every season. Really? Who won this season? I didn't watch this season.
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There are ones I don't like, though. What are the ones I don't like? There's some... I'll tell you what I don't like.
Because I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why it bothers me. Because now I'm giving every homeless guy a dollar just in case I run into that guy. Right. I'm giving everyone. Yeah. Now I'm like, is it the guy? Where's the guy? Yeah. And I never see the guy.
But let me say something. I see a lot of dudes don't tip and give money. So maybe it's going to force people to give money.
Well, if I talk about it now, then people are going to know.
So one time, and this really happened, I was at a 7-Eleven. The one right down the street, this one right here. Okay. Right? And there was a homeless man and he had a bunch of garbage in his, you know, like clothes, not garbage. Yeah. You know what I mean? But on top of his like, what do you call it?
Like a cart. Grocery cart? Like a cart, yeah. He had an album. Not a record album, an album of photo.
But when I opened it, I did open it because there was nothing in it. Oh my God. There was no pictures in it. No photo? Yeah, yeah. I didn't open it to put my head shut and like, here you go. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, but no. So I left a hundred bucks in there. I opened it, I put it in there and it closed and I left and I never said anything. I love that. I've done little things like that before.
All right. So when I did Guttermucker, that movie. Yeah. So I did a movie in Montana, Butte, Montana with Eleanor Kerrigan. Love. And Leslie Jones. Love. And the weekends, there was nothing going on and we're there for a month, right? Yeah. So we go, I said to Leslie, I go, let's do shows. So there's a theater in town. And we called the theater and like, we're in town.
They're like, yeah, we sold all of them out. Of course. Okay. There's no comedy club there. And at the end, we gave the money to the crew. That's so cool. And when you're doing that many shows, I mean, you're talking about almost eight, $10,000. A lot of money. A lot of money, right? Only two crew members thanked me.
No, dude, that's not true. I'm Paul Hollywood? No, I'm that black lady that does the jokes. The Great British Biker Show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're her? No, really, you think I'm Paul Hollywood? I guess you're right.
That's it? Yeah. And I would even walk by like the sound guy and go, hey, what's up? As he's miking. And they're like, what are you doing here? Good show last couple of nights, right? Yeah, it was good. Did you like it like it? Like it, like it. Yeah, I go, did you get the food truck? Because, you know, the food truck. Yeah, we've got acai books. We get food trucks too.
But it made me mad. So it's the same thing as yours.
What would you rather have, Taco Bell or crack?
You're Paul Hollywood for sure. You're Paul Hollywood.
I'll give you one. Well, I do one that drives comics crazy. If I tell you what this is. Tipping in the lot? No, it's going to drive you crazy. Do you think you'll get crazy after I tell you what I'm about to tell you? Well, it sounds like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what I do is if I see somebody that has potential of doing comedy, I try to talk them into it.
He's in comedy. He's in stand-up. I did talk to him into it.
What do you mean? Oh, you mean when he was thinking about it, you told him to? Long time ago. I talked to him. There's a lot of guys like that. They're still doing it today because I talked to them into it. So don't tell me about what you're telling me about. Now, Jules, go ahead. Guy, I swear to God, dude. You know what? Let's stop. Let's push. All right, hold on.
But I have to know for sure that that is happening.
Because one time I did it and they weren't looking at me. And I just came up to a table. And they're like, what do you want? No, it's me. Yeah, and they were like, no. And I go, oh, no. And I just went back. It was so embarrassing. But anyway, you have to know for sure.
You don't. You know what? I've seen you at the airport. You're very good about it.
But you do do born identity. What do you mean? Born identity.
So what you do, sometimes you'll wear a cap. I'm Jason Bourne. And we're at the airport. And you'll put your hat down like this. And you walk. And this is you going, I don't want it.
There's all these little clues about him, I know.
Yeah, I do the Leo. So there's little clues that he does. I go, okay, he doesn't want to be talked to or he's in a thing or this and that.
Yeah, if I was an old white woman, I would be that, yeah.
Also, can you do it in a first world country? On the planet Hoth, when I lived on Hoth, the tauntauns, you know what I mean? I used to give them free hoofs. Hoof passages.
You look like a Real Madrid's towel boy. Like, what's the shirt you're wearing? Hahaha. It wasn't a good joke. That's why. So good. No, it wasn't good. No, it was really good. You just did that laugh. If I'm not being funny. Do that. Today. Yeah. Everyone do that laugh. All right. And I will do the same. All right. Thank you. You do one. Do your fake laugh.
That's gross. I don't think it's real. Oh, I like that.
Okay. So anyway, so, but here's the thing about the, he didn't have a good day.
Why? Because I've been out there a bunch of times now. And the gay culture, it's out.
Let me talk. Okay. Let me talk. It's almost like it's so socially acceptable there. It's very hard to believe that anybody would be offended by it.
Even that, it's like, so when we do my talent show, the gays come out, do they not? And they compete. I've seen their families come out. I've never seen a dad or a mom while their son was performing who was gay, went, no! We don't know. They're clapping, right? It's just an open society. And it's okay, Jules. All right, look at me right now. I'm not lying. Jules, look at that. I'm not lying.
Yeah, that's everybody there. Is that your friend? Yeah, that's everybody there. That's just the Philippines. Just be honest with me. I'm not lying. Stop, stop, stop. Because you're being very defensive right now.
No, I just think that it's, what I love about the Philippines is that it's such an open culture in that way where it's like. Nobody cares. No one cares.
Yeah, unless you do drugs and then they'll kill you.
Maybe you're right then. Okay, I believe you.
Let me say something. That's so fake.
If it was 12%, you'd be like, what's going on here?
And I'm supportive, so let's move on.
What's a 50-50? I mean, we have to make this decision. We have to make a decision together, yeah. How come you don't go?
What are you going to do? Go back to the fields?
I'm a Twinkie. He's on the list, dude. You know that, right? When I say Twinkie, what does it mean?
White on the inside. Yeah, what are Twinkies?
You're right there. I'm a banana. No, that's not a banana.
I don't think I am because I hang out with a lot of Asians.
With sanctuary cities for immigrants? Yes. Wow.
All I'm saying is if he deports the amount of people he wants to deport, dude, the country's going to be fucked.
Get them out of here. Like farming communities. It was a disaster, dude. Get them out. All right. You'll see. Get them all gone, dude. There's two things you'll see about me getting buff and fucking we'll see what happens with this.
You don't want him to be... Look at that photo. Put the kid in a movie. Yeah, when Paul Hollywood does handshakes to him, he waits too long to shake it back.
The only Marvel role I could be is Sunfire.
I mean, that's the only Asian one. Oh, of course, he's going to play it. Who is that? Shang-Chi. Oh, that's the Shang-Chi guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can somebody else be Sunfire, please? God, they're going to give the same... He's hot. Yeah, that's true. He's a good looking guy. Pretty good looking, yeah. We stay in our lane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Robin Hood Gold.
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So Paul Hollywood would be like... Yeah. And then this guy goes... I know, but my point is, you shake it right away. You shake it right away.
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It's 2025. God bless. And you're probably thinking, how am I going to make this year different?
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And he's got good flavor. Great flavor. What's his thing? His thing is flavor. Unique flavors. Unique flavors. All right. We're bored. We're bored. Okay, anyway. I don't think we are. I don't think we are. Well, it's for you and me. It doesn't matter. All right.
No, but did Marvel or DC ever create a superhero that happened to have red hair?
Phoenix. Oh, yeah, Poison Ivy or Phoenix.
Can you zoom in a little bit? Like the whole thing? Yeah, yeah. Roy Harper. Oh, yeah, there we go. I guess. You do it with a bow and arrow. Who's Wally West? Wally West? They ran out of names. Wally West. What do we call this one? You know what I mean? Wally West. Yeah. King Disaster? No. Wally West. Wally West. Geoforce is good.
Paul Rudd closed the circle for me once.
Yeah, I was on Pineapple Express. My bad.
I was there and my agents were like, you got to learn how to like meet people. You know what I mean?
You know what I mean? When you're on set, that's how you create, you know what I mean? Relationships. Relationships in the business. So I was smoking a cigarette. And with Pineapple Express, it was Seth Rogen, Apatow, Paul Rudd, a bunch of people. And they were talking in a circle. And I was out on the curb, like kind of near them, smoking a cigarette.
And then my agent's fucking thing went, you know what I mean? Do it. This is it. I put the cigarette down and I wander into the circle. I don't know if it was Paul. Somebody closed the circle. Paul does stuff like that. Yeah, so then I was on the outside of the circle and then I went back to the crib as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He rutted you. You got rutted. What I find out now is that I can tell when people want to talk to me on set.
I probably did it wrong. They didn't know you were there. Yeah, I didn't know. I did it wrong. You didn't make enough noise. What would you do? Hey, guys, you guys play golf? You guys know about the $2 thing with Alan, whatever, he makes them. Whatever his name is, yeah. Steve. Steve Wawaki. You guys know about the $2 thing with Steve Wawaki, right? It's interesting.
In fact, I'm going to mention it on my podcast. One day when I have a podcast, I'm going to mention it. But it's like, you guys, throw in your two cents. Do you think you did that? Did you do something like that? Interesting.
Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. It happened to me Friday. Literally happened last night. I got picked up like a little American Girl doll. Blake Griffin picked you up to show you off. Can I tell everyone what happened? So I was at the comedy store and I was on a date. Six foot nine. I was on a date and Andrea's there. Not my date. Andrea Jin. Andrea Jin's there and she's a comic.
And I'm on a date, first date with somebody. You met her, right? Yeah. She's a very nice girl. And Andrea goes, oh, Blake's coming. So I go, okay, you know, Blake Griffin, huh? Yeah. We see him come in and then Andre leaves to go say hi to him. And then, you know, I turned, and this is the mistake I made. I turned to the girl and the date I go, let's go say hi to Blake, right?
But she had a good day and that's all.
So Blake's there and I go in to shake his hand. Big hands. Right? And he looks at me and he grabs me and he pulls me up into the sky. Yeah, like Lion King. Like the Lion King.
Yeah, yeah. And- Oh, Sibenya. Yeah. And so what happens is, I go, he's going to put me down, right? Were you there?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were there, though. Yeah, I was there. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, he has a monologue. Yeah. Hey, guy. He goes, hey, guy, I don't shake your hand. I hug you. That's right. Right? And I like lifting you, and you're my little guy, this and that, right? And I'm up there for about a minute, right? And I'm blushing, and I'm trying to get down, right? Yeah.
Okay. Do you know what a hope core is? Is it a thing online?
Yeah, help, help, help, right, right? He finally puts me down and I'm blushing, right? And I'm thinking to myself, oh, my date didn't notice that, right? So then I texted her yesterday. This is what I text, I go, this is so embarrassing. She goes, I go, do you remember when Blake Griffin picked me up as if I was an American Girl doll? And then this is what she says, your legs were dangling.
No, you know what? You just go on. I go on a lot of first dates. I'll just say that. And not a lot of seconds.
I'll tell you what, Jules, when you do, you act as if I'm not from this planet. I don't have the same kind of social media you have.
No, no. That doesn't work because I'm on Ozempic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Australia, you had some zingers on. Zingers. The kid was on fire. But anyway, yeah, so he picked me up like a little, because you've never been picked up.
But there's no one that can pick you up.
This is the same topic, but this whole fucking Korean deer thing got out of hand. What are you talking about? A Korean deer? People online were like, there's a Korean deer.
This looks like Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does look like you. It looks exactly fucking like you. Then I posted on my story and I got more comments than I've ever had.
That's what I'm saying. When you say that I look like that, it doesn't seem sexy. Well... You know what I mean? Well, look, look. I've never fucked a deer. Like, that deer has never been laid by another deer. That's not true. That's not true. Yeah, that's an incel deer, dude.
Yeah, look, he's alone. He's outside. Okay.
So cute. Yeah, yeah. That's you, bro. Okay. That's you. But then a bunch of comments said, and I had to do research... Bunch of comments were like, dude, it's a fucking donkey, dude. You're a donkey. Is that a donkey? It's not a donkey. It's a deer. It's a deer. It's 100% a deer. It's a deer. It's a female deer. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. I don't know who the fuck. Okay.
I don't know who the fuck did that. Did you do that, Carlos? Phenomenal. Somebody did that. That's so good. That's so fucking funny. That's you, dude. That's literally you. That's insane. They put my beanie and my glasses on there. What's wilder.
Well, you don't look like an animal.
There's not an animal out there that you look at and go, oh, that looks like Andrew Santino. There's some animals that look like you, maybe.
Maybe a lion or something. Give me a red beaver.
No, dude, there is a guy. I just saw it today. I love you. There's a new viral, listen, there's a new viral tiger. Google it. And I think this is more, it's a viral tiger that came out. Yeah, do it in all caps.
Go images. That's him. That's you, dude.
That kind of does look like. That's when it came to me. That's you, bro.
That's me, dude. Look at me, right. Right? Yeah, we're doing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not the same tiger. Go to that. That guy, though? That's Andrew, dude. Yeah, dude. That's you, dude. That's me. What's going on?
Well, he's... Highland's new sweetheart. He's a tabby cat. He's a tabby cat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just... He's got the right proportions there. Look at him. He's so cute.
And we're giving these people visas. What's your ultimate goal?
I'll be honest with you. A future in podcasting isn't something that you would want to do.
I'll take it. See what she's doing? She couldn't even look at you in your eye. What?
Yeah, podcasting sucks. I know, but what I'm saying is that why don't you do the easier, softer way, which is podcasting? Because you'll make more money.
You work less hours. She doesn't care about that. And you have freedom. But you don't care about that.
That drives me crazy that you don't care about that.
I'm going to say this and I'm going to speak on her behalf. This is what she wanted to say. It's weird. You're like much younger than Bobby, but you guys look the same age. Right. That's what her eyes said. That's what her eyes said?
Okay, if you turn to this TikToker that does that with the music-
You know that guy? Yeah, I know. What is that? The guy that does that? The girls do it. I've never seen a guy do it. What? I don't think you know what I just did.
Usually, usually cringe. Cringe anime streamer? No, like cringe. Any cringe Instagram or TikTok streamer. Usually has one or two videos. Dude, you're on your Gen Z fucking.
What are you doing, dude? TikTok, dude.
Gets an axe. Forget it, dude. Forget it. Let's move on. No, let's watch him. No, forget it. Let's move on. Let's watch him. Let's watch him.
Thank you. So I look way older than him.
Okay. I've never been tased as a hurt.
Can you die? Because I don't want to beat Taze and die.
You know, I read that one. Find the fucking thing. I was like, the face thing.
What the fuck is going on around here, dude?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, go back. I don't want to go back to $2. Maybe the one with the blue hair. Blue, yeah. Yeah, this shit. Yeah. Yeah. Look, Andrew.
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's now that we see it. Start it over. Let's see. Yeah, it's this kind of thing where they're like. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And if you did that, my heart. Do try. Try it. Maybe you have it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see it. Go. We did it. Just do it. We'll cut it out if you don't like it. Yeah, go.
oh wow so good don't do it don't do it yeah you're not you don't have it now now my heart is free I know you can't do it can't do it yeah yeah how many views is it like is this popular this is Misty Raines a lot of people like they go to Misty Raines thing so they just watch her do that three fucking million people yeah yeah yeah holy let's go to this one yeah here we go dude I'm working too hard yeah what are we doing yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Jess wanted to promote her show. Is that why you're here?
Smoothest transitions of all time. Oh, yeah.
And he's like thinking of lotus flowers and grasshoppers. When you get old, an Asian man will only, what do they think about? Taking long walks. Long walks. Putting their hands behind their back. It has to be attached. Has to. Because watch, when a Korean man unattaches it, he stops walking. They'll fall over. They'll fall over. It's all about weight. So... Yeah. Right. They think about what?
Fuck you, man. Talk to me like that.
Fill in the blank. You know, you and I come here, try to set the tone of the show. I brought a popcorn. Pretty good rant. It was a good rant. That was good. Popcorn, you know, a couple of other things. And... You had the $2 thing. Right. And it died. And I think that's why you're mad. And you know what? There's a healthy way of getting that resentment out.
The way you're doing it, you're going back and forth like that in your new chair. I'm rocking in my chair. Doing this, like the thinker, whatever you're doing with your hand. I've never seen you do this before. Oh, it's because my back hurts. The thinker, you know what I mean? So I think we all know in the room, right, that that was a fail.
I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-I-N-G, dude. Interesting. What?
I thought... Let's talk about your experience at We Spa.
I want to... forget i was gonna say joke but like why be mean now no i don't want because it's that's not fair right so anyway you said your saggy tits i don't want to see no i didn't say that no i was gonna say something way worse but go ahead i love you well now you have to say it no i was i was kidding i didn't have one say it no say it a beautiful lady naked now go ahead um
Kind of. No, that's absolutely incorrect.
Well, I have done it before. Yeah. Yeah. You know, Ian Edwards. You know what I mean? I try to get Chappelle. But what do they have in common? They're black. Exactly.
Do you do them? I go in there for 10 minutes.
Maybe it's not as cold as the one you're going through.
It might be dead. Let me say something. Most of the people, they go in for like a minute. I try to go up for 10 minutes because I go to the point where I'm about to die. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Well, that's good. Yeah, yeah. That's very good. And I'm going to tell you why, if I may. Okay? You may. Well, I'm going to. Thank you. Okay. I go to Hyundai Day Spa.
They love bamboo arrangements. Arrangements. Bonsai trees. Bonsai trees. Clipping. Dude, have an old Asian man walk by Bonsai. They'll be clipping. They'll be clipping. That's why they have clippers in their fucking pockets. All old Asian men. Just in case, right? If I want to buy a bonsai tree, dude, dude, you'll see me clipping all day long. He'll be clipping. He'll be clipping.
I've been going there for years and there's like a 95 year old man that's there. Okay. Okay. And he does a routine and I observe him. Okay. Yeah. Over the years, last 20 years.
And he does halfway in the cold plunge. Yeah. Then there's two different spots. There's a jacuzzi, but there's also a spring water one where it's super hot. Love that. So he'll go five minutes there and he goes back and forth. And I think what he's doing is circulating his blood. Just trying to stay alive. Yeah, yeah. And so I've been following the same thing as he does. Good.
You know what I mean? And I think there's something to do with your health.
Can we go to Wii Spot so I can show you how long I go into the cold plunge? I don't think you would believe me, so I want to do it.
Yeah. Anyway, Jess, will you go back again with me one day?
This is real because she told me about the afterwards. Well, did you lose it?
This is me. This is me walking down. You're right. This is me walking down. You can't resist. I can't resist it, dude. If I see, dude, a lotus flower, dude, or if I see a grasshopper, I do this, they jump right on my finger.
When you see G spot. Usually I charge, I'll do it for free. When you see G spot, what do you mean? Like in the penis cavity or like my anal cavity?
I've never seen it shaped like this.
No, you do make noises in the steam room that you can't. It feels good. Yeah. This is a noise that Koreans make. I don't care where you're from in Korea.
We know what this means. And there's no... It doesn't mean anything, but we know what it means. Yeah. It's this. It's unspoken. Here we go. I go, I go, I go, I go, I go. It's aigu, aigu, aigu, aigu about four or five times. We understand what that means. Aigu. Yeah.
And we go aigu, aigu. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it's like it feels good, but it hurts. But, you know, I'm glad. You know what I mean? Right. It's soothing, you know. And there's another one that we know what it means is juk-juk. I told you about that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We don't have to read. You know about juk-juk? Yeah. What is it?
See what he does, McCone? Yeah, he's worthless. He just agrees without listening. At this point, he just comes around. When you do improv, agreeing is fine, but you have to listen as well.
Yeah, yeah. Isn't that like to... And then we philosophize. Yeah, right. Yeah. We always philosophize. Another thing that all Korean men think of is. Mountains. They love sitting up in the mountains. How do you know about mountains? I'm Korean. How do you know about us and mountains, dude? I'm Korean, dude. Oh, my God. And tea. They love. Love. Love tea, dude.
You've never been on a show together before?
That hurts the most. Yeah, the velocity and the energy behind that is so hurtful.
It's got to be some herb you've never even heard of.
They created it, right, during the Vietnam War. They did. Yeah. And they're so hard to cash in because they're rare. They're very rare. It's a trick almost. It is. So the prosecutor goes, I can't cash this in. Right? And they frame them. They always frame them.
Anyway. Wow. Write that down, guys. Steve Wozniak does his $2 bill. Let's go. Wow. We do something else. Hope Corps. Let's go back to Hope Corps. Explain to people what Hope Corps is. We'll just cut that out, Andrew. Sometimes even the king misses. Anyway.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. Well, in the middle, what is it? Go ahead. The Hershey's Kiss. Oh, thank you. Can you put this?
But anyway, so explain to us what Hope Core is.
It's a lot of, it's a montage of videos that make you feel like hopeful. But they include some of that, but they mostly include like soldiers coming home or, you know what I mean? Or a dog, you know what I mean?
Or friends reuniting and stuff like that, right? So, but here's the thing. When I watch Hope Corps video, are you doing this board thing now? Are you mad about, are you mad about the Steve Wozniak $2 bill thing? I'm listening. No, there's something going on in your face. I can see you processing Steve Wozniak. How about this? Let's pause Hope Corps. Let's go back to the $2 bill.
Go ahead, tell us about it. I'm so curious now. I don't want to hurt your feelings. What happened? So Steve Wozniak. Did you get some pussy last night? No, no, no. Are you in a good mood because you got a little pussy? No, no, no. So Steve Wozniak.
Yeah, so Steve Wozniak. Go back on it. So Steve Wozniak, he prints his own $2 bills, eh? Does he really? I don't know. You're the one that told us. I had no idea. Okay. How did you know about this? Because you told us this five minutes ago. I did? Yeah. I've never heard of this before in my life. This thing that you're doing is very interesting. I've never seen you do this style of comedy.
Wait, no, what? Of complete denial. I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, it's a reversal. Go back to Steve Wozniak, please. Why are you obsessed with Steve Wozniak? Okay, okay. So let's go back to Hope Corps.
We're talking about Hope Corps. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you doing right now, dude? This is an interesting thing to do. What's YouTube right now is very weird, and it's kind of pissing me off. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on? Well, I'll tell you why, because... You put a halt to some of the things I say sometimes. Do I? Yeah. And when I do it to you, right, you have a nervous breakdown in your mind. Do I? Yeah. You did one.
Is this your internal monologue or mine? I was reading it. It sounds like it's yours. See this thing you're doing? I love it.
Yeah. Let's get the resentment out. So, because I don't want to continue the show without. I've never seen one. I'm in good. Have you ever seen him do this? Good spirit. Have you ever seen him do a fucking fentanyl nod? It's the new chair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like this federal nervous ticket. I get a new chair and I'm feeling good. Okay, good. So anyway, the $2 bill.
You can't rock in your chair. I'm trying. Steve Wozniak. You know what I mean? He built a machine and it's $2 fucking bills, you know?
Oh, you think you could thrust better than me? Dude, I can thrust too, dude. You're okay. Anyway. All right, that's enough. So I've been watching whole core videos.
Yeah, but the thing is, is that- Make me cry. At the end of the day, after every video, I think to myself, I would not react like that. Like for instance, friends that I've been seeing 25 years or 30 years, They cry, they hug. Dude, if you and I were separated for 15 years and then all of a sudden we reunited.
No, you wouldn't. I think I would cry too. It's fine if you wouldn't. I just definitely wouldn't. It would depend of why I was gone for 15 years. Like if I was in an internment camp. I mean, I think that there's a lot of like emotions that would come up like, oh my God, I'm seeing people for the first time. I haven't eaten either. Well, why did you go in the first place? What did you do?
I said, I lied. I was Japanese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That happens. Just wanted free rent for a while. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, I don't think, I think I would be like, oh, like I would be like, if I see somebody, a friend of mine for 30 years, I'd be like,
I haven't eaten in 24 hours. Why? Because I took the last bit of my Ozempic. Wow, Pete. This is bad. I can tell. They look bad. Yeah, they look bad and they smell bad.
Then what? than calling you out on the $2 with Steve Wozniak. The Steve Wozniak day. I've never regretted something more. It was very funny. No, no, no. I can see your eyes. I've never, oh my God, I fucked up, dude.
I can't believe that you're so upset about it. It's insane. Oh my God. So anyway. But here's another. I love you so much. Here's another whole quarter thing.
So there's, you know, the soldier's coming home. Soldier comes home. Yeah. Surprises his eight-year-old kid at school. He's blindfolded, right? Yeah, sometimes he's blindfolded.
Kid freaks out, cries. Daddy! Jumps on top, right?
But my dad? Then I always think to myself, I'm home, right? I'd be like, ah! I would have like run. You know what I mean?
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But it bothered me because it made me realize that girl was more important than me even though I've known you for almost 20 years. Yeah, and having dinner with your friend Charlie Day. That's first of all, you're making stuff up.
Did you put all that flare on your hat? Did you place those pins on your hat? No, it came that way. Loser. That's right. You look like a truck stop. You can call me. You loser. You look like a Buc-ee's. You look like you got that at a Buc-ee's. Did you go down to Austin and get all that gear, you loser? No, I got it shipped here from Austin. You know what's really annoying?
You're a fool. A business dinner where I'm trying to secure a deal for us, which I wrote in the text. I'm trying to close something for us. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yet another thing I'm doing for this show. Oh, here we go. Let's hear, oh, you want to hear we go? Let's hear we go. Let's hear we go. The game show, the animated show. Let's fucking, here we go, pal. Okay.
That's actually right. You're right.
Bring up the interview with Dan Levitar.
bring that I can show you so many the episode with Theo let's not do that that's right because I'll prove you wrong yeah yeah anyway the fans know that the two million subscribers thank you so much and the fans know thank you so much guys thank you and this is just a little road in the bump of the road but let me see it's a little road in the bump so let's resolve it okay so I had nothing to do with it okay you want to get mad at someone you haven't even yelled at fucking him once I'm getting all this bullshit oh I'm never going to talk to him again that's not true yeah yeah it'll take a while it's insane though then block his number and delete it right now okay
It will fuck up the show. You want me to? No.
A power move. So you're doing power move. When was the last time I did a power move? You just almost walked out on the show.
I wanted to make fun of your shirt, and we're wearing the same color of diarrhea shirts today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This shirt I thought was a different color when I ordered it, and it's like poo. It's baby poo. It's like runny baby poo.
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I met with a Korean friend. I'm not going to say who I met with someone who loves you, who loves us. You couldn't come meet him with me. He was a big fan. He was upset that we couldn't. You weren't there. That's fine. And that's fine. Then I called Bobby, you guys, for your reference. I said, Bob, all I need is a couple of fun Korean phrases to say to him for the show. He goes, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
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uh uh showing off in front of the girl that you're dating and not just texting me three korean words that i asked for power move i'll give you another one i have so many too lying to our fans about putting me on the fucking flyer when it was already sold out power move i'll give you more i got so dude i have so many lines let me address that can i address that in the middle of the in the middle of the recording of the animated movie that we're doing you literally said i'm done no more
That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Power move. Yeah, that was a power move. I got a couple. All right, so I... You're right. Throwing your keys at the valet in the store. Throwing your car keys at the kid. When? What's his name? Ramsey? You threw your keys at him. I watched you do it. He's my opener. You can't throw your keys at me.
But that's what scares me. You're going to fall in love and forget about me.
That's what I talk to my therapist.
But you know, the truth is, I think you really do like this girl that you're seeing and you're a little scared and nervous and you're vulnerable and you seem a little on edge. I'm already friend zoned.
I go, just text me. Just text me three things. And then he goes, OK, OK, I will. I will. When I stop when we're driving, when we stop. OK, fine. Hours, hours, hours, nothing, nothing. And he says, I'm on a date. He's on a date with a girl that I made laugh, by the way. I gave him a layup. He's on a date with a girl. He puts me on speakerphone. And I said.
What? It's all Carlos. I know. So why are you taking it out on us? I don't get it.
That hurt my feelings. Yeah, it hurt my feelings that you didn't show up. And that's why.
The reason why I didn't give you the thing is because you didn't show up. You didn't give me the thing because you didn't care. Because you were with that girl and you didn't give a shit. You didn't care about my show.
George Michael said, I'm George Michael. I got to go.
And that's what you just tried to pull. You tried to George Michael me. You're George Michael. No, you just tried to George Michael me.
Buddy, let me tell you something. Okay. Let me tell you who I really am. Oh, here we go. Watch this. You know who I am? Who are you? I'm Shifty Shellshock. Yeah, you are. I'm crazy town.
You're my butterfly sugar baby. And if you don't fucking stop messing around, you're going to lose me. I'm not messing around. You know, this is how relationships- You're my butterfly. Don't call me that, man. Sugar, baby. Don't call me that. Come, my lady. Come, come, my lady. Yeah. Don't call me that, man. But anyway- He died?
Yeah. Oh, shit. I didn't mean- I had no idea he died.
Did he really die? That's not fake?
I didn't know he died. You've never heard of this guy.
This guy's an N.A. legend? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did he die?
Well, that's not cool. That's not funny. Like somebody we know in here. I really didn't know. Who? Carlos? Carlos, yeah.
See, even what he just said there, dude? Yeah. That's part of it. That is? Wow. Well, he knows the sign, so go on, tell me more. What else is it?
That's it. Carlos, are you on drugs?
Well, common warning signs of relapse include glamorizing past drug and alcohol use.
False sense of control. Wait, wait, wait. What?
That's not sudden. Hanging around old people in places associated with past use. Yeah, him. Carlos. Well, that's bad for both of you guys. That's bad for both of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What can we do to get you off weed? He's not going to ever get off.
Carlos. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You don't need weed. but i i think i do you do every day every day yeah all that something you're back every all day now just in like when i wake up and then like at three and then at six and then at nine and then at midnight so when you wake up yeah after you eat hi again hi at lunch hi at dinner hi for here are you high now
Yeah. I don't care if you smell like weed. I'd rather you try to not get high for a while.
See what he was doing. It's smart. It's working like a charm. You see what he's doing though?
How many times are you going a week?
I see exactly what he's doing. Yeah, yeah.
Well, what he's doing is trying to pit you against him. If I'm the owner at Home Depot. Here we go. I don't know. That doesn't seem likely. Give me somewhere else.
But what am I the owner of a chain? Would you prank Jeff Bezos? What? What's my chain? You're an Ichiban Sushi. What's mine? An Irish pub. Yeah, he's not pranking me at the Irish pub. No, no, no. He's not even, I wouldn't get a job there. I exactly did. I get it. Yeah, yeah.
I get it. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't feel like I'm the boss. All right, let me change gears.
Because this is going to make you mad. This made me mad. And that has to do with me? No. Oh, then go ahead. It's going to hurt your feelings like it hurt mine. It's actually going to piss you off because it pissed me off.
No. Okay, let's go. So I'm sitting down there. I had to fly to Vegas yesterday. I'm just having lunch. This guy's rapping and chatting with me. Nice guy. Very nice. Somehow, someway, he gets into the, we're chatting. What do you do? And I'm kind of throwing everything away because I just want to eat lunch. And then he goes, is this thing that you're shooting, is this like a comedy thing?
I said, not really. It's kind of an interview show. He goes, oh, yeah. You like comedy?
No, I'm saying he doesn't know me because he goes, do you like comedy stuff? And I was like, yeah.
Now you get it. I know now. And so I'm kind of being passive. Yeah, no, no, yeah. And then the bartender chimes in. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Have you seen, have you seen kill Tony? He says to the guy, Oh dude, have you ever, you know about that? You ever seen that show? Yup.
This one's going to hurt way harder. It's not even done. The guy goes, I love comedy. You ever run into a, cause I said, I live in Los Angeles. You ever run into Joe Rogan out there? I said, you know, yeah, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah he lives in austin i think now yeah yeah yeah i'm trying to we're closing the door yeah i've done it four times i just want to eat my chicken wrap yeah yeah then finally he goes uh yeah we go to a lot of shows and the girl goes i do too i just saw adam ray fucking that fucking
The bartender and the guy are both like, I love Adam Ray. And Adam, our buddy, he's killing it.
Oh, Theo, can we get a photo with you? Sir, would you take our picture with Theo?
Nobody likes us anymore. We're old news, babe. I know, dude. We're old news.
No, Bob. I bet we can make you happy.
Already, I'm not happy. The sweetest prince on earth. Yeah.
Do you think she's dating a rocket scientist? She knows who she's dating. It's a comic.
That's you. Wow. That's you in the corner. Wow.
He's having a blast. Oh, that's great. He went there alone.
It's the coolest museum. Wow. Wow. He loves trains.
Are those used? They are. So they're used women's underwear and they sell them in vending machines. They don't wash them.
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Holy moly. Way less cards are going to go abandoned, Bob, and way more sales are going where?
It sold out. I looked online. It sold out. No. You're a liar. Do you want me to call the store right now? I know it sold out. You know why it sold out? Why did it sell out? Because I put your name on the flyer. No, no, you didn't. First of all, let's stop. My name wasn't on the flyer because I looked at the website A and B. It already sold out.
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Used. It does say used. It says used. Dude, look at what he did for you, Carlos.
Four Japanese quarters. Oh, and they come in like a toy ball.
Wow. That's incredible. Is this just a grocery store?
So great. It's got air holes on it. How long was he out there for?
No, we didn't buy him a return. How is he going to get back? That's not on us to figure out. We put up the Airbnb, no? We gave him a one-way ticket.
We gave him a one-way ticket to Japan. How's he going to get back? I don't know, bud. I'm sure he'll- We should get him back. Do we want to get him back, you guys? I don't think so, but- Leave him there for a while.
We'll just leave him. He'll be fine. Yeah, he'll be fine out there.
I think he's loving every second of it.
By the way, can this be a segment of the show where we literally just send him around the world for the next couple of years? Yeah. Literally, let's fly him from Japan. Next one, Yemen. Yemen? Yeah, yeah. Look up tickets to Yemen. Yemen or Oman. Yeah, yeah. But let's fly him from Japan to another location. Let's see how long he just stays out of the country.
Can we do this? Carlos, text him and ask him if he wants to go somewhere else. Okay. That'd be great. It's not expensive. Just fly this kid around the world. Seoul, Korea. Would love. But no, we want him to go the other way. Oh. I want him to keep going west. Can he go to Moscow?
So are we. Yeah, we're always in war. We're always at war, man. Yeah. All right, we'll send him to another place. Ukraine then. Yeah, send me Ukraine. Yeah, Kiev. See if there's tickets to Gaza. See if we can send him.
Can I take a second to say something tragic? Yeah, I have some tragic things. Heartbreak. There was a school shooter on FSU's campus today.
And obviously this episode will- Two people passed. How many people? Two. Two. Did you guys see the video on the internet? No. McCone showed me. It got banned. A girl was filming. A girl? Guy. Girl? McCone?
There was a girl on her phone. The video went viral for a second. She's just filming a body on the ground, and she's drinking a Starbucks walking by. It's not a big deal. Honestly, this is the kind of stuff where you're like, I don't know what's happening now. I don't know what's happening now. Everybody's in a pure panic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Juan Carlos Lopez Gomez. Yeah. That's the problem. You're giving them too much ammunition. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it was just Juan Carlos, fine. Or Vladimir. Vladimir. Vladimir Gomez. Fine. That's fine. That's totally fine.
Yeah, Rosende, because it's probably like Rosende Capalo Fosano. Do you have a lot of those, too?
You know what theirs is for? Land and lineage and all this bullshit. We keep the women the mama.
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So Juan Carlos Gomez is he's being deported. He got released. Oh, he's back.
Give him something to drink. Just water. Just bring him a coffee. Bring him a soda. Yeah, but he's in a maximum, you know what I mean, gulag. That looks pretty minimum to me. That looks like a cracker barrel. I don't think he's out. I think he has to go back in. By the way, I had, while I was gone, I had Waffle House. Haven't had Waffle House. Love it. I haven't had it in 20 years. Phenomenal.
We don't have one in L.A. We don't have any Waffle Houses in Los Angeles? In California. What?
Well, it's funny because we're always on the road, so I see them all the time.
Hardee's is what? What's the same chain? Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. Okay. Dude, I ate late at night Waffle Houses. What'd you get? I mean, we got the, what is it called? It's this combo. It was eggs, two kinds of meat, potatoes. We got multiple waffles to share because I was hungry.
Well, because it's like, what do you call it? It's like garlic bread, butter bread, garlic bread. Yeah. Texas toast. Texas toast.
At Waffle House? Yeah. Can I explain why?
Do you want to work a 24-hour restaurant for $6 an hour? Yeah, that's right. And deal with drunk fuckheads at 3 in the morning? You're right, right. I tip my hat to these people. Oh, yeah. By the way, here's the thing about Waffle House. I'll give them a shout-out. They love fights. Oh, my God, look at that. They posted this. This is Waffle House posting it from their account. Wow.
This is incredible. You know why they're doing this? This girl, she didn't finish her waffle, and that's the staff taking it out on her. You've got to finish your meal at Waffle House. Oh, my God. That girl had too much Waffle House. That's Waffle Mansion right there.
Entire Waffle subdivision happening. Yeah, look at that. Oh, my God. So this is an entire Twitter page dedicated to fights at Waffle House. A lot of times it's the staff fighting.
I did not. Neither did I. I don't know. Here's the wild shit. You always see a manager jump in. Yeah. Like this lady, this old white lady jumping in. Yeah. Hey, Sheila. Yeah. Take a hike. Yeah. You're going to get killed. You're going to get killed. Yeah.
Have they had you at the airport before?
You know what's so funny? The last couple of guys that have come up to me are so polite and nice. We're not famous enough for it to be a thing. But the guy came up to me at the airport. He was like, oh, Mr. Santino. I was like, hey, man, I just got off. I don't want to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, oh, cool. Yeah, that's what they do. It was very nice. Yeah, they're very nice.
It was sold out. After I put his name on a flyer. That's not true. Yes, it is. Here's how I know you're lying. We were- Andreus. He doesn't know.
No, but they don't do that to everyone, dude. The way that real famous people get harassed. Like, look at all the shit that's going on with Justin Bieber. They can't. Leave this fucking kid alone, man. And they're like, oh, he's being mean to the paparazzi. He's like, yeah, no shit, man. No shit. Leave the kid alone.
This was posted an hour ago? Yeah. It's insane, dude. Leave the kid alone. Leave him alone, dude. Obviously, it's like he's twisted up right now.
Let him be. Let him be. Little Papa Smurf. Yeah. Would you be able to live like that?
no yeah me either no the good news is i'm not that talented so i'll never have to worry about it either me them either yeah the kanye stuff too it's like almost you can almost say part of his crack came from the paparazzi like this like filming him in the morning in the morning but that's just crazy yeah it's crazy i think i think part of the reason these people go nuts is because of this like constant it's constant not healthy
Neither is the fame, though. Beyond the paparazzi. The fame itself isn't healthy. Being that famous isn't healthy. Who's that?
Are you out of your mind right now? Thank you. Are you literally out of your mind right now?
Well, I didn't invite any of those guys to my special.
Well, I wouldn't want them there. Did Carlos go to yours? No. Yeah. He wasn't invited. Yeah, yeah. But that was deliberate. You won't be getting an invite. Right. You know what's gonna break his heart? That means the most to him. Who? Carlos.
But you have to swear on the Bible. This is a lie.
Yeah, let us think. Is this a no slam allowed? Yeah, it's a one-way street. How about this? Is Fancy invited to your special? I think so, yeah. You do? Yeah. He's been kissing your ass all day. I know. I think so. Playing it right. I think when I leave in May, taking my parents on vacation, not to be sound- It's probably our last family vacation together. Well, my parents are getting older.
They're not going to travel a lot. So like, it's weird. It's fucking weird to be this age and to be like, I don't know. I don't think my parents will ever get on a plane again with me and go somewhere far. Wow. Where are you going to go? I'm taking them to Italy. Oh, great.
But I think like when I go away, because I'm gone with them for like a week and a half, why don't you take a Bobby vacation and get away and disappear from all this shit and don't do anything business. Just disappear for a while. And see where you fall into. See who you meet. See what you get into. Like what Dax is doing in Japan. Why don't you do that? Why don't you disappear for a week?
And disappear. Why? Why are you shaking your head?
Wait, why? I'm not asking him to use. I'm saying go be one with yourself.
He's alone in a hotel room all the time.
I just did it. He was just in Columbus. Yeah.
I trust you enough to know that you're comfortable in your sobriety?
Barbados or something. Barbados. Yeah.
I'm going to be 100% honest with you.
I actually don't know where that is. I don't know where that is. I'm not even kidding.
Is it in the French Polynesian? No, I mean, is it in the Virgin Islands? Virgin Islands. Let's go. That's how small it is? Yeah, French. What is that? That's the Virgin Islands. Am I wrong? Look at the pictures. Go to Barbados, Bob. Yeah, I want to go to Barbados. Can we get him to Barbados, guys? No, I can do it. Look at it. Wow. Wow. Don't you think? Bobby on a beach. Barbados.
You're sitting on that beach. Half my torso's in a shark's mouth. Look it, I see you in that cabana right there. Yeah, dead. Smoking a cigarette. Heroin overdose.
Hey, so we genuinely want to say thank you so much to our fans. It means the world to us that you guys have been around five years. Oh my God. We've been doing this and we're up to 2 million subscribers. That's incredible. We're going to keep making you laugh with beautiful content. Please come see us because we don't know when we're going to tour again if you're in London or Dublin.
You got to come. You got to come see us because we might not be able to tour for a long time. Bobby's got a special coming out that he's going to take some time down because he's been working very hard. So please come see us in London and Dublin, and we really appreciate the fans. You guys mean the world to us. Thank you so much. I mean it. I love it.
We'll always be here for you. And if you at home want some changes, if you can submit to take over for one of the staff members, please email carlosinthebooth at gmail.com. That will go to Carlos, but we'll have to have someone else flag it because he will just delete all these emails.
uh yeah you will give him the login go to carlos in the booth at gmail.com and andreas will read those and by the way uh send in a video of you um auction uh what is that auditioning for that job you can replace one of these guys i have no problem i have no problem with the year and i actively delete resumes that come in well we're gonna make sure that we're gonna change it now we're gonna change it so that carlos if you ever wanted a job on here i've deleted it
Another thing we can't trust. That's what I'm saying. It's like we cannot trust this guy.
He's smoking weed, deleting emails. All right. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Do you guys smell this? Do you smell that? Do you seriously smell that? No. It seriously smells like gas. You gaslighting piece of shit.
Big Trouble, Little China? No, you're in Big Trouble with me. No, no, no. You're Big Trouble and I'm the Little China. I asked you for one favor.
Bobby Lee. All right. All right, so Andrew. What time is it? I have a dinner, 8.30 to nine. And then what did I say? I'm not able to head over after dinner. I was out of- That's so funny. Trying to secure some stuff for us. Stop, because you know what?
Racist? I just wanted some Korean language. I wanted some words in Korean.
No, I wanted words to help me understand. Is somebody in there that's shaked?
What was yours? I said, I'm at a business dinner. I can't make it there. I'm at a dinner. And I was on a date. Time out. You were on a date. I called the date. What's better? Or business? We'll say it together. One, two, three.
Go. That's good. Go get him. Go, go, go. Go out there with him.
Look, first of all, I back you up on a constant basis. I've never not had your back. hash this out with him, tell him why you're really upset.
Stop. Sit down. Stop. Stop laughing.
Honestly, can I say one thing as a friend?
But you guys constantly do it. Who's you guys?
Was I a part of the cake at all? I wasn't a part of the cake.
Was I a part of the water gig? That was fancy.
Okay, that's it. Bad friends boxing. That's it.
About the thing about them tricking you. I don't like that. That makes me. Fuck you. I don't like that.
No, he's an outsell. He's been doing really well lately. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He told me in the car ride over here he's doing great.
That's your style. I had nothing to do with this. And by the way, him out of the cake wasn't a prank. I didn't have anything. By the way, who told me? Okay, let's come clean. When did I learn about the cake?
It had nothing to do with it. I know, but- How am I getting roped into this?
You want him to sit in the cake for the whole show?
He was sitting there just fine. I said, come out. You need to come out.
He built it, and I learned about it today. How'd you know he was in there? Because I'm not a fucking idiot.
You know what, dude? Don't threaten me. Don't fucking threaten me.
Uh-oh. Two million subs. Two million subs. No.
Okay. So I was with somebody in my house. What? Same thing. Yeah. Okay. And this person that was in my house, a young lady- You know what I mean? Obviously. Yeah. She goes, is there always a helicopter above your house? This is four nights ago.
No, did I slow it down? Do it one more time. I did a firefighter show. Firefighter show. That's not what I said. Firefighter show. Bro, bro, bro. Come on, dude.
I don't own it. No, I don't own it. It just takes me to the comic store.
No, there was literally a helicopter doing a circle in my neighborhood with the spotlight.
Panic. So what I'm saying is it could have been the same night that you... Heard the gunshot.
Yes, that's true. So this could be connected.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I feel like you're lying. No, no, but there was a loud rustle. It did scare the shit out of me. But what time was it? I'm being real because I remember going, what is going on in our neighborhood?
I'm so glad you brought that up because it just brought up another thing that I have a problem with you about. Hmm. Okay.
All day today. It kind of made me mad. Can somebody draw a raccoon with a gun for the show? Yeah, please.
I feel like you and I are best friends, right? You're my best friend. One of my best friends. You're my best friend. I have a couple.
Right. Go ahead. Ryu was there. Fireball. How you can. Is that what he says? How you can.
You're my best friend. And anyway, and we share things. Yes. Fluids.
Right. Ideas. Also our loves and dislikes. That's true. Okay. And I don't like it when you hoard things, though.
I'm going to tell you in a second. Okay. Okay? I don't like it when you hoard things. And I draw the line here. Okay. Okay? Don't do that. Well, what is it? Don't do that with your fucking nose. Well, that's why I get nervous. Okay. So... I was at the comedy store the other night, maybe a week ago. Yeah. And Brent Morin goes, there's a great restaurant. Okay. And I go, really?
You know what I've been watching is kids watching Sixth Sense for the first time. How do you not know the outcome of that movie?
And he goes, I think it's, you know, Arrival's like the best. Why are you smiling? I know what it is. I know exactly what it is. I know you know. All right. I know you know. Okay. Okay. So he said it's BLVD. on Ventura. I had no idea about it. So in my mind, I'm on a date, we go make reservations, I sit down and the waiter comes up to me and the manager and they go, finally,
And I go, finally, what? They go, well, Andrew comes here twice a week. Stop, stop, stop. This is the fucking truth.
And I don't like it when people laugh at truism. It's insane. It's not insane. Twice a week? That's what he said. Twice a week. And we were wondering when you're going to come in here, right? And I went, yeah. Like how many? They go, a lot. He comes in a lot. No, he doesn't. I'm going to tell you why this is true, okay, in a second, okay?
They go, okay, wow, you never really ever mentioned it, right? And then the food's great. It's phenomenal.
It's excellent, right? And then I text you the menu. A picture of the menu. A picture of the menu, right? And you go, oh, yeah, that place is great. And I said, I'm close. Yeah, I'm close, and I go there all the time. And I said, can I come over after? No. Yes, I did. Oh, maybe. But what I'm saying is that you hoarded that restaurant. I did not. Yeah, you did. And you know what, dude?
I'll start hoarding. Pissing me off, dude. I'll start hoarding restaurants and yogurt shops and coffee shops and everything, right? And keep secrets to myself. That's fucked up, dude. No, dude. That's a great restaurant. Okay? You do it all the time. You do it all the time. That's such an exaggeration.
Another one. A Mexican restaurant he's done at.
I forgot what it was called, but you're like, and then I, and I go to the spot or no, what it was is Italian restaurant. Remember that Italian restaurant near our house? Yes. Yeah. And you go, and I was sitting there and you go, yeah, come here. I've been coming here for years. Right. And it's like two minutes from my house. I go, Hmm, never heard of it. Yeah. But first of all, yeah.
Hadouken? Hadouken? No, in Street Fighter. Is it Street Fighter? Yeah, Street Fighter. Street Fighter. Hadouken. Hadouken! That's what he says? Hadouken? Oh. Yeah, it's Hadouken.
So it's hoarding thing. I share more than I want.
In your fucking face. She's always been on your side. No shit.
Yeah, but when you say I've been cutting it for years, then it kind of hurts me. That's fine.
So sometimes when I was- Your quiet time at a fancy Italian restaurant.
Thank you. Yeah, I have no friends. Me fucking either. What? You're the only guy I know. Do you- Hello? Hello. Oh, my God. You are doctor friend. Dude, you're professor friend, dude. Dude, you have so many friends. You're the fucking guy of friends, dude. Did I go to the med school for friends? Yeah, let me say this. You're always, I'm on a golfing trip with all your friends.
Let me tell you something. I'm alone. When I walk in a room. Oh, my God. I can't even believe what I'm hearing right now. When I walk in a room. Well, you guys don't back me up either. You know he has more friends.
Yeah, yeah. You have friends. That was really good. That was really good. Thank you. But also, Carlos, all right, let's be honest.
Thank you. So professor friend. Okay.
You're almost there. I should be there. You're almost there, dude. Who else? If you change some of your behaviors. What the fuck? The hoarding. No. Yeah, yeah. Open your heart completely.
bring bring it up let me see he's your best friend yeah he goes um we when can we do dinner and catch up yeah i said this weekend what he said what's the previous text he goes uh he goes did you eat yet i'm hungry and dumb already ate i go i am on olympic and i go i knew it he goes i knew it fuck i'm going to be the fat one in the group now then saturday goes dinner didn't respond to that
Fat one, wait, wait, wait, the group.
Am I saying it right? I think so. Yeah. A fireman show. yeah sounds like a little gay burlesque show we're gonna put you out oh well then forget it no come on I mean I don't want to partake anymore you were at a firefighter show god it's a dead end huh
Ronnie Chang. But Asians are not considered a complete. Yeah, wait, wait. Asians are considered a full, complete person. Yeah. We're like clowns.
We're like clowns, right? If like 80 of us come out of a car, it's like one person. Well, five to one, right?
Five Asians is one regular person. So my point is that you can't count that. I think I do. And it's also when I do Asian Korean gatherings, right? They just happen to be there. That's what friends do. Yeah. You just happen to show up. Yeah, and it's like a ching chong fest. I don't know what else to call it, you know?
Yeah, yeah. I read the, I should have read the text. Yeah. It gave it away. Yeah, you buried yourself. Yeah, yeah, I buried myself in that. You buried yourself. That's why I'm, you know, I'd be a bad lawyer. I would forget things.
Oh, no. Oh, no, I know. No, let's do it. Let's get it over with. Okay, you asked me why I was bummed out lately. Yeah. I think that was the foundation of it. So I did see that. I sent this to Carlos. You rubbed it in my face last week.
He's the first guy that's famous that is actually in the Hall of Fame. Before it's like scientists. There was one guy, an actor, who was like, he started a community theater in North Park. I mean, for gay men. It's like, okay, he's in? Well, maybe you need to do something like that. Important work. Something for the community. Oh, you think I'm not doing an important work?
Yeah, but I don't know what they want. And when I went to school there, I didn't know what they wanted. I didn't feel a part of. I felt ostracized. Not by the school itself, by the people that inhabited it. You have to understand, Poway High School was that controversy where that kid wore that anti-gay t-shirt and he went to court for it. I don't remember this. Yeah, look it up.
So Poway High, some kid wore I hate gays or something like that? Oh, it was like a derogatory t-shirt with, you know what I mean, that expressed his point of view about. Gay is not okay? Is that what he wore? I don't know. But what I want to say is what I've done for the school, okay? I was on two sporting teams.
I was a peer counselor. You were? Yeah. Wow. I don't know why you're smirking, guy.
Two sports. Everybody liked you. You were a musician. Did you play at the school? No, I wasn't a musician then, but I was also in a play. And also, fourthly, though, I also was, I got sober my junior year. Right. So my senior year, I was like, you know, I participated in, you know what I mean? 12-step kind of things and spread a positive message at school.
I think what they're basing it on is my nudity and my- What does that have to do with anything? I mean, that's my point of view.
They don't have any wild artists on there. Did you remember they had a counselor for β what was it called? It was like an occupational counselor or something where you would see somebody, a staff member of the school, and they would direct your life. Yeah. Occupational therapist or whatever.
But we had that where it was like, and I remember going in, they're like, all right, well, they looked at my grades and they go, woodshop. And I go, I was a junior. I was like, woodshop? I mean, that's because you're failing in all these things and you have no asset or ability, right? And I'm like, you know, if I could go back now, I would go, yeah, but I'm funny. Is there a path for that? Right.
So it was a benefit show at the improv. So it was me, Griffin, Amir Kay, and Fitz Simmons. I love Amir. I love Fitz. And Griff. I love Griff. But the first part of the show was firefighters doing stand-up.
But to that school, that kind of is not even a, they wouldn't never promote that or give you an option. It wasn't an artistic school. Yeah, it's like it's either you become an engineer or lawyer, doctor, whatever, whatever, right? Or businessman. Or you're working with wood. Right. You know what I mean? Carving, you know what I mean?
Exactly. Well, let me see some of his work. Let's see some of his work, dude. Look at that table. Dude, that's a standard, very good table. He built just the legs, it says. He didn't even build the top. All right. Fuck this guy. Anyway, that's nice.
Oh, staircasing. That's the ceiling. Oh. Uh-oh. Anyway, um. Anyway. But what, I mean, it's just, so I remember at school, when I was in high school, I was like, I remember going, oh, I'm fucked.
They told you to your face, there is no future for you. And this is where we suggest you go. And I'm like, I can't believe it. There's no way. So I had to go out in the world and feel some pain. And then it drove me into whatever I'm doing now. Look at you now. I think that in many ways, Poway High School drove me into this because it's like they didn't support me. Right.
And so- That made you stronger. So now, you know what? With that point of view, I don't want to be in the Hall of Fame. Good. But you do. I don't. You do a little bit. I do. Yeah. I sure do. But you know what?
Yes. Wow. Yeah. And they had about eight of them. It was to raise money for these guys? It was like some sort of benefit for fire people.
Yeah, that Poway Center. I think it's attached to the school, but I think that it's private. We can rent it.
Just getting real sick of his shit. Let's let go of this. I mean, are you in yours Hall of Fame at your school?
That's not what we asked. That's not what we asked, bud.
Yeah, it has nothing to do with you. Anyway, how about you, McCone? I don't know. Can I tell you what I think it is? What? And you're going to be so mad. Yeah. It's just too far away from fame. What do you mean? I'm too far away from? No, what I'm saying is, is that like, you know, obviously when you go out into the, you know, it's just less famous people come from smaller towns.
Like for instance, if you go to like Beverly Hills High, right? Oh, right. How many famous people came from there? A lot. A lot. Because the businesses just are enveloped around them. Right. There's access and, you know, through nepotism and whatnot. Yes, yes, yes. And it's in the thing. It's in the city. Right.
So I'm sure if you saw the Beverly Hills High School Hall of Fame, there's a it's stacked. But then if you go to like, you know, Peoria, Illinois, some school, there's Hall of Fame. There's probably nobody famous that came from there. I mean, so why would they have a Hall of Fame?
It's not like you're saying a million very cool famous people can win. Tony Gwynn went to my school. Okay. Baseball player. Okay. Stephanie Seymour, supermodel, who had a baby with Axl Rose.
They're never doing it. Water you need? What else do you need? They're never fighting fires. Just water. Oh, you got to have a dog. You got to have a Dalmatian. You need the Dalmatian? You do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For optics. Right. Or maybe the shiny red paint. Yeah, the fire. You got to shine that up. The what? The fire truck? Yeah. It's already pre-shined.
Yeah, yeah. Smart. Okay, so how about this from now on? Let's not talk about Poway High School Hall of Fame ever again. I don't need to. Because last week, you kind of bummed me out, but now I'm kind of going through the process of letting it go, and I'm going to let it go. It's an injustice is all I'm going to say. I mean, I truly believe it is, though. I really do. I'm not being facetious.
I mean, can I just try to... Just verbally say why I think it is.
You think I should state my case? Without bragging. Yeah. I mean, that'll be hard to do, but go ahead. Okay, so I have two... I have one very popular podcast with you. Yeah. I have one that's... Fairly popular, Tiger Belly. Okay, so then I also was on a sketch show. A cultural iconic sketch show. On television for eight years. Say a culturally iconic.
A culturally iconic sketch show for eight years. Correct. I've done numerous bit parts in comedy movies.
Which one's that? Oh, yeah, Sex and the City. Sex and the City. That's a recurring, yeah. Reservation, I mean, I've just done a lot of- Hawaii Five-0. Yeah, Magna PI. Same thing. I know it is. I've done a lot. You got yelled at by Adam Sandler? Yeah, I got yelled at by Adam Sandler. How many people have been yelled at by Adam Sandler on that list?
I also have done The Tonight Show as a stand-up, and now I'm coming out with a special on a major streaming service. I mean, I've done a lot. A lot. You know what I mean? A lot. And if that doesn't do it, I don't know what else does. Yeah, I don't know. So then it's personal. They just don't like me and what I stand for. That is okay. That's okay. Who's on the board?
Can we find out who's on the board? I don't want to know. They don't like me. I'm going to call them. And it's because I go, and all that stuff. You know what I mean? And that's just who I am.
It's embarrassing to fight for that. What I just did there was embarrassing.
If that was my brother. My dad. Oh, my God. How awesome. His name is Luke. Luke. Luke Chinese. Yeah. And you would never see Luke again.
Yeah. Now, I don't want to be racist against my own ethnicity. It's not really. Why? It's near you. Okay. He's Chinese. No, I didn't say nationality, I said ethnicity. Yeah, but- He's Asian, isn't the ethnicity. Kind of. He's Chinese. Oh, so they're Uber Asians?
Oh, they are, okay. They're the most Asian of the Asians. My bad, my bad, my bad. Okay, so he's full-blown Asian.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm just mid-drip. yeah you're yeah yeah yeah you're the left adjacent yeah you're right next yeah and without being controversial yeah right does he have a big head
I'm a cop that guy robbed you yeah right and you gotta do so what did the guy look like when the person that robbed you did you get a good look at him yeah he was a Chinese guy he had like a shaved head or not a shaved head but a buzz hair so I'm gonna get my illustrator come here Frank Frank comes okay so I haven't really because buzz head but like shape of the face shape of the face laughing
Yeah, just the overall shape of it.
Oh, oval. Oh, an oval shape. Yeah, it was all... Oh, it's oval. So is it more wider or is it top to bottom? I mean, can you... It's kind of both. Oh, so just a gigantic, like a moon. Kind of like a moon. All right, let's just do a moon. Like a moon. Okay, so and his body. His body.
His body, his body. I remember it. Yeah, yeah. What's his body like? Thick. Oh, so... Well-fed. Right. Well-fed. Not hungry. So, Mars. Yes. Yeah. It was kind of the moon and Mars. Mars. Yes. And then moon. Correct. All right. Put that out. I think they got them. They got them right away. That's interesting.
I just feel like that's something that they, you know. It's like, you know, Soylent Green are people. Do you remember that? Yeah. Yeah. I never even saw Soiling Green, but I know Soiling Green are people.
They're raising money. In a floor glory hole. A gigantic. A flory hole. A flory hole.
I don't know. You know. Even asking, hey, you guys have any holes against walls?
You got to bring a 12-pack of Bubble Yum. Yeah, Bubblicious. Bubblicious. If I don't see that in Singapore, dude, we're going to have a problem. Also- So write that down, Carlos. Yeah, write it down. So public smoking, I smoke, so smoking is illegal.
Oh, my God. I do that all the time.
Oh, my God. All right, so what? Jaywalking, $1,000. I'm a jaywalker. I be jaywalking. I'm jayjaywalking.
This is what we want to test some of these rules. Yeah, I do. So here's what I'm going to do, okay? I want to get a whole pack of bubble yum sticking in my mouth. and naked chew on it. Two cigarettes dangle out of my mouth, right? And I'm going to be half naked in the streets and I'm going to go, it's a hard knock life for us.
I bet you money they block porn sites there.
Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, they block porn 100%. Because I've always wanted to like, because I've never really been to a, you know, a strip club at an Asian country.
Do they have strip clubs in Singapore? Yeah. What's it called?
Do we want to go? I don't know. I mean, they... All right. Google... If they have any Michelin star restaurants. I mean, that's an incentive. Yeah.
What's the best top three restaurants? Because I love food. Oh, there you go. Michelin Guide to Singapore. Yeah. All right. They've got a lot. Here's the deal, dude. We will go to all these. No, no, I need someone from our team to make reservations before I go. I'm being real.
Yeah. I had a great time. I think it was better than the last one we did. Yeah, it was great. I think that if all of them went like that, I'd be encouraged to do more. I had so much fun on it. You know what it was? It's that we didn't rehearse that much. You know, you guys kept it loose. We had good bits lined up.
Yeah, I mean, we kind of knew the directions, but it's like, in terms of order and stuff, I think they were mixed up a little bit, but I was fine with it. I thought... I just thought the guest was great. It was surprising to see the angry grandmother. Yeah, she was great. What a sweet lady. You know what they drove here from Michigan? I just love her and her grandson so much. So funny.
The Goopadopolis came. The Goopadopolis came, and I thought- On top of that, we had a drag queen book reading. Yeah.
I thought Jules was fun. I thought the whole thing was very positive, and we should do it again. I would love to do it again.
stuff like that yeah that's it's different than this because it's like it's looser it's wild it's wild and the interaction with the fans i do love when we get to talk to the fans bringing them up on the screen seeing them in their home you know i mean we could dedicate for a second to talk about our fans first because i don't think we do that enough give it to me yeah it's the thing that uh keeps me going i think
Other fire people. Oh, it was all fire people. Yeah, it's all firemen. Well, that's why they... No, but they were actually okay. Like, who wrote the jokes for them? I don't know. And they all had different point of views. They all went... It got to the point, though, dude, where me, Griffin, and Amir were standing there, and we all were holding each other, going, what if we bomb?
No, it is sad. It's more sad than beautiful. It's the thing that makes me kind of want to get up and put one foot in front of the other and move forward. That we have people, and we've met them in the streets. Yeah. And it just, it's a real surprise and a real blessing. And I've just been, what? Why'd you shake your head? Because I don't believe it. I would like to address something in the room.
No, no, no. I'd really like to address something in the room. Please. I know we've said it as a joke, you know what I mean, about firing and changing the team up.
And, you know, we do it in jest, you know. I really mean this. I think we should change it up. Because right there, right there was fucking... Out of pocket. Out of pocket. It was unaligned with my morals and my system. Unaligned.
Blatant disrespect. Cringeworthy, if I'll be honest. You know, I've noticed lately you talk to me in a certain way as if we're bros.
As if we're both captains of the same ship. No. And on this ship, dude? You're scooping shit down below.
That's how you would act. That respond right there is what I'm talking about. Even just that response right there. I don't curse at you or anything. That response to everything you're saying right now, dude, is what I'm talking about. This is how I grew up.
No, you never used to be like this. And so for me to get vulnerable to talk about the fans and for you to call me out on something that wasn't even a thing, right, is really hurtful. It is. Do I have time to apologize? No, there's no time. No, you did it. The damage is done. So I'm going to highly consider maybe coming up with other options. I'm okay with that. Yeah.
Let's talk about all the group. Okay. Might as well. McCone. Yeah. You've been a lot better with me. Impressive. You're not needy. You know what I mean? And I think you've softened a little bit. I think you know how to read me in the situation. And I think that you're good for right now. You're okay. Yeah. Fancy. Yeah. I will never do your zombie movie. I will never do it.
In fact, I will do nothing outside of this with you. Yeah. I think that you attack me way more than you attack Andrew.
Yeah, that's undeniable. About how fat I am and gay. What?
There's no ice. There's no ice left. All right. Well, you're on a lake. Yeah. You have skates on and you're in the water.
It would be... Because we're supposed to be the pros. Yeah. Right? So then Eric goes up there. He does good. I'm next, right? Mm-hmm. And I don't know why I brought this up because you brought up the two black guys watching, right? And this dude, this black dude had shades on. You know how sometimes they get Martin Lawrence-y? Yeah, 100%. You know what I mean? Like they get like Biden-y. Yeah.
A good amount of power. Yeah. I also want to say this, and this is from my heart, and managing the Australian tour. And you're doing a great job. Great job. I didn't say you were doing a good job. I'm saying your relationship with me. Yeah. He's talking about how I feel in the workplace. Okay. Okay. And for many years, I thought that you work for us and we happen to be at seven Aggies. Right.
But the truth is you work for seven Aggies and you're a spy. Right.
Yeah, you're a spy because I see you over there, right? And you know the woodwork, very comfortable there. Very comfortable. And that's, you know, I understand now that you're not really on our ship. You're a hired gun.
What's the endgame here, dude? Our demise?
Here we go. This is the truth. Let's hear it.
Let's talk about something else. I understand now. I know. I understand it. It just came to me. You saw it? I saw it all. Wow. The first time I saw it, you know what I mean? Remember They Live? Yeah. Right? Right. Yeah. I put the glasses on. I know what it is. It's clear. I see the writing in the wall. You know what I mean? Wow. I see the world. I see the matrix. And it's stacked up against me.
And I have to survive. I have to survive. you do you have to fight back I do have to survive because you can't just sit there I can't sit there and let them take over right yeah and I think I'm generous the guy cleaning the boat can like sharpen his knife at night and dream about murdering the captain wow dude Oh, my. It's a common thing. Wow. Wow. This is how you feel.
We're finally getting. I love it. This is the real stuff. This is it. I love it. This is the real stuff.
I was busy talking to the famous people.
Yeah, yeah. I walk in. Oh, there's famous, famous. Oh, let's go to the guys I see every day. I mean, what are you talking about? But that's his job to go talk to other people.
It's work. He's a personality. You know, and you should know that.
You know, that's time that you were hitting on Kalilah when I was dating her.
what you know i mean you don't think i know about that either dude so you know me you want to go you want to go you want to go whoa whoa whoa all right have you had a uh an issue recently with somebody yeah okay that's why i can feel this yeah something's going on something's going on with him yeah because you know when he something's going on he tacks and he's attacking me you know you're on this guy you know here's the truth guy right i love you too
You know what I mean? They just get all, hold on. Just get all like, where am I? You know what I mean?
That's not what I said. What? He said, here's the truth.
No. No. No. You know, I've always had a sense that, you know, I liked you more than you liked me. That's. So. I felt that. Yeah, me too. Yeah. And I'm willing to, I'm willing to fight your hate with my love.
Yeah, and go ahead, throw in a joke. Okay. Go ahead. Throw in a joke. I'll let you have it. And... Go. Say it. I'll have another one. I'm building like little gazebos. Little gazebos. Yeah, you have to build those as well.
I was with you with Martin Lawrence. You lost me. No, he was an older black guy, right? He's wearing like a brown tracksuit. He was wearing shades and he was just kind of going, where am I? Was he on stage? No, he was off to the side. You know how you go down the stairs? He was sitting there with shades with a beautiful, his wife. Yeah. You know what I mean? But they're older.
Yeah. And this podcast has been about grievances, no?
I would love to hear your grievances. This is what the show's about.
Preach, my friend. You're not even gonna believe this. You know what? Maybe you are. I will believe it. Okay, good. Right, because he can do anything.
Right? He's diabolical. He is. All right, so. Endless. Tell it to me, friend.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold it. If he says, honestly, dude, if he mentions anything about business class, I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I'm being real. I will lose my fucking mind.
I'll fucking show you comfort plus.
I'm tall and I have to put under the seat. No, no, no.
Yeah. Spirit in the air. You know what, dude? Cancel it. All right. Yeah. Fuck it. That's a good call. You know what? It's like you give them an inch, they take a mile.
You've heard that phrase before, right? That's what you are, dude. Giving people an inch.
Not in with me. No, no, but still. Not in with me, but we took a couple of steps back. Okay, but wow. Wow.
That's not what I was mad about. You brought that up unsolicited.
I didn't even need to know that you know what I mean you made it worse by bringing that up way worse yeah what I'm saying is that I was giving a heartfelt message to the fans and you thought I was lying right yeah yeah yeah so it's like now I know way more information and now I feel even more angry yeah you know what I mean it's like why would you have these fantasies I've never had a dreadful fantasy about you you know what I mean I've had fantasies of like saving you when you were drowning or something really oh yeah
And also, they like to... I don't say they. That's insane. That's insane what I'm doing. I know what you were saying. No, no, no, no. Yeah. But, you know, he had like one leg on something like this, like this, like this, as if he was... In a park. On a bench. Drinking lemonade.
Emotionally. Yeah, emotionally. Literally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my point is that I've only thought positive. I've only said positive things about you in the world, right? That's right.
Dude, that's my role as a fucking boss.
Exactly. And should have worked. exactly like sustain pedals never work at venues never once not one time I'm in front of thousands of people and oh shit the sustain's not working I should you know it's like there's so many things that I could uh right but I don't you know get your shit together man
Wow, wow, wow. I know, I know, I know. I can't believe it. It didn't sound like passion, dude. It didn't sound like passion. It sounded like deep resentment.
No, delusional. You know what, bud? You know what? I'm going to do the movie again. Okay. I'll do your zombie movie.
I know. Yeah. I'll do it. But he will. Yeah. That's passion. Yeah. And McCone, I have a small penis. No, you don't. I don't, but that's what you told the world. But it's not true. And thank you so much for doing that, man. Like, I don't have enough problems.
I have a very good penis. And then we'll see. Thank you for being a bad friend. Great.
So this guy, right? I was observing him. Yeah. He was dying laughing at every fireman. Okay. Okay. He was a fireman himself. I don't know. I didn't ask him. He must have. And he was laughing. But then when I went up.
Eyes cold like a river. Nothing. Nothing. Not a smile, not a smirk, not a wince. You almost look mad. When I get nervous and I have to do well, I start getting real weird fast up front. Yeah, I know. You know what I mean? I make my hair weird. But I like it. I stumble on stage like a character, you know what I mean? And I just start going, peep, peep, peep, peep. You know what I mean?
No, I'm not saying they haven't seen it, but would they know the, you know what I mean? The bit? The switch. Right, maybe. The surprise. I just feel like that's a part of, but when you watch YouTubers or people watching it, they get really, oh, is he dead? You know, whatever. I don't want to give it away, but they get freaked out. You see black dudes too, especially. It's always black dudes.
You know what I mean? Poking my pee-pee. You know what I mean? Like I'll literally go, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. Like that, right? And our media's like... No, he didn't like that. I crushed. Still. But still, I couldn't break him.
They are? Yes, they are. Oh, they are. I'll tell you what. Can I give you a theory, maybe? Yeah, dude.
Yeah. Imagine it's a job that you have when only one specific event happens.
Right? So there could be a month that goes by, no? Like you're a robbery. Is there a fire every day? No. Right. So what I'm saying is that I assume months go by.
It's not real. Arson. That includes arson. Arson. So 46 a day. Oh, so then they're always working. They're probably pretty busy, yeah. Okay, well, then my theory's wrong. I always assume, like, you know, they're just playing, like, Jenga up there in the firehouse. You know what I mean? And then, oh, man, you know what I mean?
I don't know why I said it like that, but, like, oh, man, fire, let's go.
Oh, that's where they... Because I used to...
No, Kalado used to get heart murmurs. No, I get them all the time. And then we call the ambulance.
And a fire truck would come sometimes. They have to. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they come. Why though? Why what? Why the fire truck? With the ambulance?
Oh, I think you're right. Because I think a couple of times an ambulance didn't come. It was only a firefighter. But he had. But he had all the equipment.
And they had that. Wow, they do so many things.
Do you ever- Get worried about it? Yeah. Yeah. A lot. Have you considered an ablation? You know what it is?
Yes. I should have said, have you considered getting a Tiger Woods?
Yeah, I guess they go, it's like a little, they go through all the like veins and stuff on one side of the body with, I don't know.
Yeah. Yuck. You know how they say that one day we're going to have chips on our arms? Will you do that? With all our information, our credit cards, everything, you know what I mean? You'll do it. For sure.
What do you mean mechanical? I'm not saying I'm going to get my arm replaced. It's like a little chip, dude. You think it's going to lead to neural link shit?
Yeah, this guy's fucking Clint Eastwood from Bridges of Madison County or something, you know what I mean? No, what I'm saying is you have your credit card, your ID, and also maybe a way to open up your front door with your arm. Oh, cool.
In your mansion? Yeah. in my home your house is the same size as my house oh my god I love when you try to start fights with me you just started who fucking started it I don't want to go there you just started it I don't want to go there with you dude but stop doing this Stop lying. Stop, you know what I mean? About what? Gaslighting. That's so, the irony of this is staggering.
Gaslighting. No more gaslighting. Oh, now you're doing Asian accent. That's when you're scared. That's how I get out of it. When he gets scared, he does Asian accent.
No you weren't When I made fun of your mom You got scared And you did to my mom You brought up It was an accident And it crushed That's what you And it crushed And it made this show That's fine it went viral But my point being is that You're scared right now And calm I'm not scared Calm down You started it That's an insane thing Did you guys go to the house Yes they've all been to my home Whose house is bigger
Oh, you're going to put my driveway in it? I have a long driveway.
That's not a living space. Thank you. It could be. No, it's not. So my point is this. Okay, let me reiterate and let me re-say it. Because the first time I went to his house was during his birthday party. My old house? The new one.
I don't want to start a fight with you. You're doing it. I know, but I walked in and I remember going, oh, I might have to move. That's the first thought. What do you mean? I want to be honest with you, dude. Sure. All right? I went to your front lawn, pretty good, nice lawn. Thanks. You have a gate and the whole thing. Yeah. Electrical, you know, gate system, right? Mm-hmm.
You walked out of these gigantic doors. Not that your house is big, but you have gigantic doors.
Right. Okay, you can make fun of me all you want, but I'm trying to be honest with you. Well, I'm also trying to put comedy in the show. Yeah, yeah, okay. And so then you go, come on in, Langmong, or whatever you fucking always say.
Make something up funny. If you're going to say that, pick it up and be funny. Ling Ling or whatever you do. There, yeah. Say, come on in, Ling Ling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, Ling Ling's here. Ling Ling's here. I walk in, and I remember my first thing is I looked around high ceilings. Do you not have high ceilings?
Well, they're tall. Right. And then I also like, I'm like, the living room is so far away from where I am. Don't be real. It's in the back of the house. I don't even know where it is. It's in the back of the house. Yeah, so it's like, you know, my sight isn't that bad, right?
Mine's two studio apartments on top of each other. Yeah, you went up there.
Thank you, McCone. There's bedrooms down there. Now, I will admit that my house is, I prefer the design of my house better than yours. Sure, that's why you live there. Yeah. With cat shit all over the fucking place, it's great. Okay, you can make jokes. That's the show that we're on. I know. You can do what you're doing right now, dude, and I'm fine with it.
Because I'm just being honest with you. So am I. I walk in, high ceilings. I go, I don't know where the living room is, but it's pretty far away, probably half a mile away. And I walked in there and then I went, my thought was, I might have to at least get a house comparable to this because I want to feel like we're on the same level. But I remember having these thoughts.
And why would I have these thoughts, Carlos, do you think? You're breaking the 10th commandment. It's jealousy. Exactly, dude.
Don't covet me, dude. I was coveting you, dude. Stop coveting me. I'm going to covet before the last of my life. I don't want you to.
I'm Covet King. You're already breaking so many of the commandments.
You live in a house bigger than 99.9% of the houses in the world. Can we say that? The world? Yeah. Yeah, most people live in fucking huts. Exactly.
So start from the beginning. Go ahead. You're in your mansion. Go ahead. Yeah.
I know. You did your time. But his Asian wife, 65. Right? And dog died and two dogs survived. Who were the survivors? Let me see the survivor dogs. Yeah, survivor dogs, man. Yeah, yeah. There they are. There's some of the dogs. Those are German Shepherds. German Shepherds.
Oh, so you're saying if they don't have the numbers, we're not going to be able to tell what Korean is what?
That's not what you're saying. Then explain to what you're saying. Maybe I was being racist, but explain to me. That was what I was saying.
There is a similarity. No, I have Asian eyes. Uh-huh. And maybe it's like the movie They Live. What's that? They Live was a Roddy Piper movie. Oh, nice. And he puts on glasses and he can see messages and signs and aliens through the glasses. And that's what my little Asian eyes are. Yeah, yeah. They Live. It's a great movie. It really is. John Carpenter, I think, did it.
Thank you for saying that out loud. I just thought that. Yeah, what do you see? Through Letterboxd. Like, do you see this? I'm a Criterion Collection movie guy. You know what I mean? No.
You're not IMAX. Dude, you don't see IMAX. That's good. If you're looking through, you can see the sky.
Look at him. I can see way further.
I feel like you're opening them. I make noises if I do it. Oh, yeah. You have to.
Guy, let me tell you something about ethnicities. We're the same. And the type of person you are, you make it different. I see a black heart. You saw Blackheart in this guy? Yeah, and you have colon cancer.
Yeah, no AIDS. I've never seen a Korean with AIDS.
Name me one Korean with AIDS. Can't do it. You can't think of it.
He's on the move. I got bumps all over my penis. What? Do you? Different mounds, different colors.
Yeah, yeah. It's a kaleidoscope. Wow.
Do you really think? I pee green for some, you know. You know, he's never been tested. Yes, I have. Fuck. When? When? Four months ago, I got tested.
I just thought he goes, you think we should get tested?
Oh, you'll speak back. Well, whenever an Asian does an accent, I'm respectful and I do the accent back.
They were very good in the Holocaust. They were good, dude. And their work is not credited. Right?
So I'm going to tell you about Hollywood.
So I got the role of like a merchant of weapons.
But he was in LA. Yeah. So I just called the director FaceTime and I go- since he's in LA, I don't think he should need, he goes, I want the accent.
Yeah, and I go, yeah, but you know, I mean, if it was in Korea, maybe, I was talking to an English, I want the accent.
I know, but what I'm saying is that why do I need one?
You find it's been- I'll tell you who fucked me up about it. Who? John Cho.
The actor, John Cho, yeah.
All day. Ronnie Chang was 202.
John Cho is Hawaii Five-0? No, John Cho is, we did Harold and Kumar together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in the Star Trek movies as Sulu.
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You guys, I would not be standing here right now or sitting here without it. My body does not move without energy shots. You know what I mean? Because I'm a sloth. Right. And I don't move to the rhythms of the universe.
I love these shots, man. Like sometimes I'm super tired. I got to perform in front of, you know, thousands and thousands and thousands of people. I get a shot of energy.
He looks at me, and I ask him, I go, we were on sets. I forgot what it was, and I go... you ever do accents? He goes, yeah, I don't do them. Do you get offered? Yeah, I just don't do them. I go, why? He goes, I just don't think we need to. And it's just an integrity thing. He goes, I'm fine that you do it because you do a lot of broad comedies and I get it, but I just don't want to do it.
And it made me feel shame about it. Why? Because every role I get is an Asian accent. Oh,
Wild Walker coming. And they're like, yeah, I mean, you don't need an accent, but I don't know why I have one right now.
We never go to these places. Never go to these places. Once the show's done, we no come back. We no come back. Yeah, yeah. So you got to go.
Okay. I think we shouldn't predict. Okay. You know what I mean? No, because you know what happens on the show when we predict? Yeah, it doesn't. It happens. But so here's the thing. They say it's not carbon monoxide poisoning. Got to be. They said it's not. And they said it's not foul play. So I have a prediction. Fair play. So maybe someone deserved to kill him. It was fair play.
The Throwback, nothing. Drugstore June, nothing. Magnum P.I., nothing. No Magnum P.I. Yeah, you're right.
Mr. Yellow is very funny. Too many white guys.
Can I say something a little derogatory towards you right now, Andrew, if I may?
You seem it. But anyway-
This is the first time I've seen your ankles. Oh, really? Yeah.
They're a little thicker than I would wish.
You're so handsome and talented.
A masterpiece, I thought.
Unbelievable. What was the first album you ever bought? The Velvet Underground and Nico album. Really? Yeah, at like 12. Wow.
Because you have red hair. I get it. Yeah, yeah.
And I think this, okay? One of the dogs was scared of the Asian wife. Oh, at some point. He's thinking, I'm going to go soon. It's me or her. No, he's German. They're German shepherds. I don't know.
He goes, yeah, yeah, get me whatever you guys get. We were in a meeting at Sony executives and he's telling the, you know this happened. He's telling the group where he met certain people. This is the first time I met any of these people. He's like Bill Clinton in like the best way. In 2009, man. Remember you had that office over on this and this and this? He's like, yeah, man.
I've been fucking with you for a while. That's who you are.
And by the way, Jean's getting so old, he couldn't control her from doing that. Right. So one day, the dog, I can't do a German accent.
All these people. Andrew.
I'm going to give you some insight. Yeah. He's going to be very mad about it.
All right. When we go to the airport, he acts as if he's Jason Bourne. Hat down. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right? Rifling. He's a star. Yeah. I mean, just see. I'm open haired. No, I know. Bright eyed. You know what I mean? Say hi to everybody. Yeah. Right. This guy thinks he's fucking Ethan Hunt. Yeah.
Yeah, do it for me. Saw a gigantic chocolate bar exposed.
I was waiting for a little backup.
He doesn't buy shit. I like to look at the Dolly Ranchers. He moseys. He moseys until he's recognized. Correct.
Yeah, so here's the deal. I need you to back me up, okay? Okay, okay. So here's the logic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want you to be, your heart open.
I know, but you know what it does to you. What does it do to me? It kills you. So he saw the chocolate bar, right? This is my time. And what does the other two dogs say?
One time you said to me, we weren't at the airport. I was just sitting there on a curb or something, and you turned to me and goes, I like your fashion. Yeah, I think it looks cool. So you know that I dress a certain way. You got great fashion. I think you look cool. Undoubtedly. Yeah, so what I'm saying is that I don't dress differently in my regular life than the airport.
Okay, secondly this, I can't go into the convenience store? Are you parched ever? Yeah. You want a bottle of water? Yeah. Are you allowed to get one? Yeah. If somebody accidentally goes, yo, Andrew Schultz, Are you attention seeking?
And Andrew, I want to say one last thing. Yes, please. And this is a truism. Yes. Okay. I have Ozempic burps. I just took a shot. Don't. Are you doing the Ozempic? Yeah, I did it like an hour ago.
Yeah, yeah. We go V. We go V, I mean.
So check this out, okay? Many years ago. Is he really on it? Yeah. Yes. How does that? I'm nauseous all the time. Like I'm on chemo. Let's move on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all going to get it. All right, so I was doing a radio show with Patrice O'Neill in New York. And I was complaining about how Dr. Ken is getting everything at that time. Right? And he pulled me outside. When we were done, he goes, yo, son. That's what he said.
No, no, he wasn't there. And he just goes, you know you and I are similar, right? I go, in what way? He goes, we don't know how to do the social shit. You know what I mean? We don't know how to bend or bridge the gap, right? We're so insecure and so we're comics, you know what I mean? That we can't go to a party and fake it. and have this mask that some people wear, you know?
What'd I do? So the first time I met you was where?
Yes. And at that moment I go, this kid is going to go places.
Because of just what your vision of what Hollywood's going to be like was spot on, right? And that what we're doing online is the future and all that stuff. And you said that many, many years ago.
They don't have web spider monkeys. Anyway, they have longer arms. I put monkey on it, but that's just how I feel. So what I want to say to you is this, okay, is I don't know what I was going to say. Oh, yeah. So this...
Right, right. We connected. I thought I had good ideas about how the business would go. Right. And you were right on it, but you had a confidence about you, right? That was very... Just confident. You know what I mean? And you fulfilled all those things.
So I kind of put you in his category in many ways. Ah. You know what I mean? I think he's better socially. Oh, I know what I was going to say. That's not even what I was going to say.
That's nice. Anyway. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. I'm saying. You're leaving? Get him a water. Oh, there's one right by you. Right by your foot. Right by your foot. Okay.
God, there's rage in your eyes.
And I'm putting the flower in your gun. Get off the range. Right? Like the fucking 60s, dude.
It's not even funny, dude.
I'm not even going to say what I'm going to say. You started this. I'm not even going to say what I'm going to say. You fucking started it. Oh, I'm going to say my point. It's not funny. It's an observation. Oh, go ahead. So wham. The band? Yes. Okay. He says we're the band Wham. So the Wham broke up. I thought that was the first album. Why did the Wham break up? Why? Egos. Yes.
That's a long play. I don't know if he would go all the way to New Mexico. Yes, he would. He loves New Mexico. How do you know that Viggo Morrison likes New Mexico? We vacation there.
Every band happens. Ego. I understand this philosophy. But you guys. And human nature. You guys never have that issue. We never have. Do you know why? Why is that? I give him majority of the power. Yes, I do.
So that I don't break up the band. It's out of love for you.
I know, because it's the cyber age now. This guy shows up to practice like, did anybody tune my shit? Yeah. We have a garage band now. What do we need instruments for? But anyway... No, I'll tell you why this band is so good. Tell me, tell me, yeah. For real. Be honest, because I thought what I said was kind of honest, but.
The truth be this, okay, if I may. Yeah. Okay, and I'm not attacking you. I'm not attacking you. I love you so much, right?
All right, so. Good. Okay. There's a flower in that. Go. Okay, so. You do have fun. I know when, I know, like there was one time. Yeah. And he knows with me too.
There's one time where I told the crew, I don't think today is a good day to like let Andrew be, he's going through something. Because I know he goes through the depression.
He goes through really deep depressions.
Yeah, yeah. It's really bad. It's like clinical almost.
It is literally clinical. He literally shuts down and he doesn't say anything all day long.
And sometimes he needs to drift away.
So if I went, what the fuck's your problem? That would cause a riff. Yeah. So I let him be him.
And then when I'm going through my stuff, he lets me be me. I lift him up.
Let me try it. Hold on. Hold on, dude. Blue Chew. I have ED sometimes. And I thought I wasn't going to die. But now Blue Chew. And now I can get erect. And now I can do lovely bubblies.
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Here's another one that you forgot. So good. Young Frankenstein. Oh my God. He plays the blind guy. That's right. So funny.
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Go to shopify.com slash badfriends, all lowercase, to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash badfriends. Please, give me a shot. Sorry. Thank you so much. Why are you thanking me? Thank you so much. Yeah. I forgot what the part was. You know what I mean? Thank you. Do you have conflicts with India? See? Do you have conflicts with India? He really doesn't care.
Look at all the movies. It's insane.
Ask me a question you really care about. Yeah, do you have conflicts with India?
He stopped texting me for a while. Why? Because I never returned.
But that's not because of a personal thing. If he doesn't understand that, that's his problem. Yeah.
Have I ever texted you back? Yeah. Every time? Every time. Yeah. You're a big star. Let's say you're number one on the call sheet.
Yeah, like, so Michael Bay, the director. Oh, let me tell the story.
Hey everyone from Texas, Houston specifically. I need you to buy tickets for my show on March 28th and 29th of this year. Go to HoustonImprov.com. Buy the tickets or I'm going to hurt myself. I'm going to hurt myself. I might die. I might die.
Okay, thank you. I don't like your energy right now. Tone it down. No, go ahead. Okay. So he comes, right? And it's always... So we're in the green room, in the main room, in the bathroom part.
In the private part, right? He sits down and it's always like, World War II, right? They're attacking. You're a convenience store owner. You're still a merchant guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a rule. You know what I mean?
Explain me the history of LA culture. He's pitching him a role.
Right? Right. And I get so discombobulated. Yeah, that's right. Is that the right word?
Discombobulated. Yeah. I go, I need to fucking do a pass.
I'm the one that sent the bill.
I said, Michael Bay really wants, it was a lie.
I like that. And I just went into the Hollywood.
So what I do, and this is the difference between him and I, whereas I'm not comfortable. Like he's invited me like, hey Lee. I go, Michael? He goes, come over for Thanksgiving. There's no way I'm gonna go over there for Thanksgiving. Oh, it's that close. So I don't show up.
Invite him to the Super Bowl. I go, I'm going to Miami, which I was. Are you familiar with his work? Yeah, I love it. Yeah, he's a prolific filmmaker. I love his movies. They're just action-packed fun.
Big time. He's big time. And then he's on the Celtic court front seat. I saw that. Who gets that? Jack Nicholson and this guy. Celtic court? I wouldn't be able to get in the building. Jack Nicholson. Are you just saying that because of The Departed?
And Matt Damon, right? That's right.
They go to the Celtic Club in Boston, right? I couldn't get in the building. And if I do, I'm the top row with the hand, with the finger. I don't believe that. You know what I mean? Thank you, by the way.
I don't believe that to be true. I'd have to buy a ticket. There's no connections I have, and that's the truth.
That's crazy. Validate that. Is that kind of what happens? Be real. Be real, Carlos. I'll get mad.
Exactly. Yeah, but you push away. I don't push away. You push away. I escape. Okay. Two different things. Okay, dude, you get it. You know what I mean? Let me ask you something. If you're in Auschwitz, would you be digging holes? Wait, what? I think that's a wrong term for that. If you're in a Japanese internment camp. There it is.
If you're in a Japanese internment camp, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be the Japanese going.
They looked at the penises? No. Okay, that's what I did.
Well, wouldn't you? Hello, I Chinese.
Right. But he survives, you know what I mean? By Pearl Harbor. You know what I mean? I-Chinese. I-Chinese, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when he's older, maybe the LA riots. Yeah. He's an old man. I Chinese. Gets out of all.
But listen to your ear, right?
Yeah, people think that when you do these things.
That's how it would go. I would show my dad.
Oh, wait, because the Japanese knew English?
Like, this is going to be fucking easy. Yeah, but my argument against that is there was some- Because Japanese have been a part of America for so long.
Yeah, that's all. Yeah, some of them were second generation Asians.
And that's what happened to George Takai. Yeah. George Sakai. Right. As a kid. Yeah. He was Japanese though.
I did movies for virtually free.
Let me ask you about the baby. Yes. Talk to me. How many do we have now? Yeah, I got one. Still one. Yeah, still one. I was talking to Kalilah earlier today. It's never enough.
Yeah, thank you. Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we're past that. Yeah, yeah. You know how I feel about it.
I lost money. It's not a lucrative thing. Unless you're Ryan Reynolds.
Oh, that feels like we're just piling on. I don't ever stick a penis in my butthole.
Anyway, let's just move off.
When a girl puts on a dildo and they fuck you from behind.
I got the word. Is your baby the love of your life?
Oh, I'm so glad you said that.
They really don't fucking know. I'm so glad because I've seen some uggos.
Yeah, yeah. Walk that baby. Yeah, fried noodle it. But what I would do is, because when the feet comes out in the body, it stretches the vagina.
But you want to loosen it up. If you put...
There's another story that I just saw on TikTok. It's the movie that he did, that sci-fi movie with Jake Gyllenhaal.
And I will have one. Good. Yes, you will. I got to find the person, though. You'll be a great papa, too. And it's difficult. It's been difficult, Andrew. What's your thing? You get behind it. Yeah, I get behind the condom. I mean, I don't do it reverse. Are you saying hit it from behind? Yeah. I feel like- You think I stick the fucking condom in my butthole and do it from behind?
Yeah. Okay. I'll try that next time. But I did. But a lot of times, women are like, I know you enough. What position? What position? I think you get behind it. I don't. My knees burn. Yeah. He's got bad knees. That's really rude. What do you mean? Because I have short legs. Okay. And the women that I date are much taller than me.
Yeah. So then they have to do a squatty thing too. And we're all burning thighs. You know what I mean? And it's like, I'll do like 10. And then I'll go, hey, you want to switch back to missionary? That's the one I'm good at.
Yeah. What's your position?
But here's the thing that they do. I don't understand this.
They get on it. Yeah. instead of going up and down, they think they're in a luau. Can I tell you why? They think they're in a luau and it's twisting your thing, you know what I mean?
Collateral Horizon. Life. We were right there. We were right there. So close. I would have got life. So see the girl that's, go back. Rebecca Ferguson. Rebecca Ferguson said something crazy about him. I don't know if it's true. I wasn't there. It looks true. But he was really mean to her.
I don't have the length. I didn't say that at all. I never had to flip out when it does up and down.
Yeah. And they need to shake it around to hit the sign. Yeah. You know how like grass, the breeze? Yes. You frolic through grass? Yeah. It's kind of like that, my penis. Really? Yeah, it just frolics.
With the wind, you know what I mean?
Just pull up the cord. No, Andrew, okay? Many women have said it.
Maybe you have a great dick and you've been catfishing us. No, gaslighting us. I'm being real for a second. Ian Fiden saw it. You showed it to me and I was... I was...
That's what you got to do.
And it's on 80 every day. And I was like, I don't know what that, you know what I mean? I like you. And then when they see it, they go, oh, it's boyfriend.
I got husband dick. I got girlfriend dick. Ian financed on mine in the spa.
And he can judge. He also has bad vision. When things blur, they widen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he even said, it's so cute. That's mean. Why? I think it's a compliment. I think it's a different. I think it's sitcom penis. Oh, yeah. Like it tests well. I'm here. It tests well. It does test well. You know what I mean? Like if it was in a sitcom, they'd be like, people are like, oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. It's Pixar. Whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nemo. Not Nemo, not Nemo. Dory. Not Dory, no, no, no. I don't really know. What's that big white blob of a, you know what I mean? The robot, inflatable white. Oh, that one.
And then one day she came on.
It's something I've thought about.
Yeah. How long has marriage been a thing in human race? No, 5,000 years. Okay. 4,300 years. So 4,300 years.
Were human beings around before that? Yeah. For how many years? A lot. Probably thousands of years. Thousands more. More. Maybe it could be a million. Maybe millions. Right? We don't know. What the fuck did they do that in a million years? They got married. No, they didn't. You don't think? No, they were nomads. Well, you still got married. No, no. You would go to a village or a dwelling. Yeah.
I love him. He's so talented. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. So fucking funny.
Yeah. And so one day she comes on set and she goes, I'm not doing scenes with you anymore. I'm going to do it with the tennis ball.
Ask yourself the question, why?
Yeah. And then the producer went up to her and she goes, he's number one on the Chicago seat. He has to be there.
But what I'm saying is that, is it human nature to be with one person for the rest of your life?
Having a partner for the rest, I don't know if it's genetically.
Are you always attracted to them though?
Yeah. You're in love with this person. I watched a documentary called Civilization. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So we were nomads for many, many years. Yeah. Okay. As soon as we had grown crops. Yes. Wheat. Wheat.
And we made settlements. Yeah. And that's when the marriage thing came.
Okay. You know, I believe it's supposed to be true then.
Sometimes I think about maybe it isn't.
If my mom's still alive or is she dead?
Everyone's dead. My brother not. Dead. Steve's younger.
Yeah, yeah. No, what? If Steve's still alive, probably most to him. And then the rest too? If you're still alive, I'd give you some.
And that's what I'm worried about.
Because I have never done one.
I feel like they want to see the best.
And I can only just do what I can do.
This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to do it and then I'm going to disappear.
I'm going to Ari Shafir it.
We'll bank it because I want two weeks. Where are you going to go? I'm going to go to Costa Rica.
Okay, then I'll do a month of promoting, and then I'll go to Cluster.
That's what I felt from the other company.
They didn't hit that number that you wanted? No, they never offered.
I didn't literally hear that, but I didn't know.
I'm doing it in December.
And when Denzel's a truth teller. He really is. When he says like, I don't know if it's A.I., But with his voice. Well, it could be. He can say anything and it'll be like a spiritual experience.
They do, they do. They treat the uggos differently. The couple last movies, I was in one of those. Quarter, like a fucking. I'm talking a quarter, 10% trailer. It was like barely a human being could go in there.
Literally the toilet and that's it. You're sitting on the toilet to watch YouTube videos. And then you have to wait there for so long. All day. All day. And then you're like... Hey, can lunch, can I leave? No. And they go, no, absolutely not. We need you. What if we need you? So then lunch happens four hours later. They don't need you. They don't need you. It's bullshit.
I know, but can I say something for a redhead? And I get a lot, one time I was at one of your shows. What do you mean, at our show that we do together? No, we weren't doing it together. It was a show that I was supporting you.
And a lady in the audience, I was sitting kind of in the side, and she turns to me and goes, your boy is handsome.
No, I've heard a lot of that on the internet. I've heard a lot about it in my direct messages. And I just want you to own up to your handsomeness. No, no, no. Because you have a mutant color of the hair. Yeah, because I'm a mutant. I'm a freak. But the faces. Andrew Santino is so hot. What the fuck? Yeah, but that's a guy. These are all guys. They're not guys, dude. Trust me. Look at 2020, 2022.
Steve, there's a Bobby Lee one.
What is that? When you type in Bobby Lee hot. It's about spicy wings. Spicy wings. Right? That ate hot stuff. But you do. No, I know I have, but that's bullshit. Wait, scroll down a little.
I do it for comedy. You always do it for comedy. Yeah. Anyway, let's get out of that. But you're hot. Let's move on. No, no way. You can't say you're an ugly one.
Timothee Chalamet. Exactly. And from what I've talked to Theo about, because Theo had him on. Oh, yeah. He's the nicest guy.
You know what I mean? And he's unaffected, and he... Why can't you just be that? You know you're on the top of the world. You know how much money you're making.
And why can't you just accept that and go, you know what I mean? I'm grateful for everything that I've... Something's going on inside.
I had to, dude. Even your mustache is fancier. I hate it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you, Lando Carissian?
Well. You got to get the whitest ones.
Yeah, can we get a yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah one?
Yeah. Don't get defensive, dude. Oh, is that Korean? That's great. What does that mean? Bad friends. Bad friends. Oh, sick. Yeah, yeah. You know, I was talking to somebody about, somebody went to that Euro of sushi place. They said it was the best sushi. And then I told them, I go, Andrew Schultz didn't like it. And they couldn't, no one can believe that. You know what I mean?
Pearl Harbor was the right thing to do. All right.
It's a sneak attack and you deserve it.
I'm just saying. It might not be the best. Yeah, yeah. They're good at flying. They're not good at driving. Let's just say that.
But can I go back to the movies, though? We make better movies, the Koreans. Koreans do make the best film.
Korea's been on a tear right now.
It's a franchise. I'm not in it. You're not? I'm not the squid.
Hi, Dex. My name is Katie. I'm 34 years old. I am a single mom. I have a four-year-old son that lives with me full-time. I work in Orange County. I work at a veterinary hospital. I'm a practice manager. So I'm around...
animals all day pretty much um I do like to go to comedy shows I was at the comedy store a few weeks ago when you opened for Bobby and Andrew and that was awesome um you were super funny and I like going to hockey games I'm a huge hockey fan um I like good food um I don't really know what else to say but yeah hopefully I get to talk to you soon
A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something.
Hello. Hello. Hello, mate. My. Beans on toast. We're coming to London, England, and Dublin, Ireland. Right.
I'm Andrew the waiter. Yeah, Andrew the waiter. All right, so keep going. Because I'm learning from you.
I know. It was $9. Yeah. So, Benny, the reason why, because a girl told me I was fat, and she was not attracted to me when we were making out, and I had to lose the weight.
So you guys are in the studio. What about this?
Yeah, yeah. I was chicken, chicken. Yeah. And she's like, I don't like that sound. How about that? Oh, you're listening to yourself. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, go. And then afterwards, go ahead. Yeah, yeah.
Is there sexual, when you worked with her before, was there some sort of sexual tension?
ZocDoc. Ow, ow, ow. What's going on? Your throat? Ow, ow, ow. Your throat's broken? Oh, yeah, my throat's broken. Oh, my God. Your throat always breaks. And as a podcaster, I need my throat to work. Yeah. I have a recommendation. What? ZocDoc. Oh, ZocDoc.
Okay. And you're a musician, so I'm just trying to be cool, dude.
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If I display it in the 80s, Because I had a lot of rock posters on my wall.
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Yeah. What is it? It's Thai food. You never invite me to Jitlada.
Stop getting so horny. We're like. I'm a hard. Yeah. Yeah. So hard. Yeah. Keep going. Jazz. Thai food. My favorite.
It's so funny that you say that. What? That was a Wigovie burp. Wigovie burp. Sorry, that was a Wigovie burp. That should be a commercial for Wigovie. Yeah, yeah. I had an injection late yesterday. Did you? Yeah, yeah. What is Wegovy? It's the same thing as- Ozempic and Mancharo? Yeah, yeah. Where does it- In your stomach.
Let's go back to you and Selena because it was a side quest. Second date, she comes over to your house.
I have. We're getting there. We're getting there. No, I have. But also, 99%. Yeah, you felt it. You can't be 80% sure. Oh, my God. Sketchy. If she would have went like this, if she would have went and turned away, is the working relationship done at that point? No more songs? No, I don't think so.
But you would have to apologize like, I'm sorry, I read it wrong. I guess so.
You've read it wrong? Yeah. You've read it wrong? I've read it wrong, yeah.
Five times. No, maybe still lying. Every time.
You know what, Benny? Your tone today... Dude, it went from like equal grounds to like you being like them. No, I have you on a roller coaster. That's right.
We have our appetizer. We're going to work on the appetizer for a second. We have to discuss this first.
I know. There's only two things on the appetizer, but you know what I mean?
Oh, can I ask you this before? You're not getting into it. Yeah. You don't have to get into specifics, right? But did the kiss lead to more that day? It did not. Okay, when did that happen? He wants to know date and time. No, I don't want to know date and time. I just eventually like, and don't get specific. No, no, no. When did you guys start dating then? Immediately.
hands free well we already are hands free but we're like there's nothing in our face we're not wearing a headphone like we're just talking in a room you don't have to wear headphones but this is how we hear each other more crisp and you can hear the levels if we play video I know what Benny's saying what you're saying like a lav mic or something or like maybe a mic here yeah maybe just something simple right Benny what's it like having a super famous fiance very good question can you go to wait wait can you go to a mall like can you go to the Beverly Center with her no
I'm being for real. There's no way. I swear. You will get nothing done. I swear I take a fucking boat. So you don't fly ever.
You never do that? Never did that before, yeah. This is what producers do. Rick Rubin. Quincy Jones. Yeah, that's a Quincy Jones move right there, dude. You let it go right in your butt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's working. It's working. See, dude, you wear them down. Yeah. Now, does that work, wearing down? Be honest. Be your truth. Yes. Wearing down helps. I think so.
But in many ways, you wore Selena down, no? I mean, you were working together for years, right? So you had that friendship. Trustworthy.
All right, so I'm not going to try. Yeah, maybe just go on friend dates. Anyway. I don't know yet. I don't know yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You never, try. No, like. Let's try. Well, you don't go to the Beverly Hills.
We love the belly fat of that baby hedgehog. Oh my God, it melts right in your mouth.
I'm all here with you, Bobby. The way you laughed just now, dude, really pissed me off, bro. It did? When you were poor in the 90s. Did it make you mad in real life? Yeah, it did. Everyone laughing, fuck off. Did it make you mad in real life? Yeah. I was just trying to... I got... I was being honest. I know, Benny. I got...
When I was 23 and I was performing as an open mic-er is when I got the confidence to meet. But before that, I was a version.
I guess at 23, dude. 23 was first blowjob. Was 23 first kiss? I mean, I kissed out a girl. I kissed out. Kissed out a girl? She was knocked out. I kissed her out, dude. He kissed her so hard. Okay. Yeah. So I kissed a girl in high school. Her name was. No need to say the full name.
We just kissed. Why is that not a bad thing?
All right, Julie Maganol. There it is.
Yeah, Maganol. And then the next Monday, it was a weekend, she denied it to everyone that she kissed me.
And I remember thinking about it for years. It hurt you.
That's so diminutive. Your wife's body is insane, man.
Fucking, no, that's so mean. In your face, you fucking idiot.
So there was a girl at the Addison Improv.
And I opened it for Carlos Mencia back in the 90s, right? And I hooked up with her. I had sex with her, right? Then years later, I ran into another comic and he's like talking about her. You know what I mean? Yeah, she hooked up with all these comics. He listed the name. Yeah. And I go, was I in the list? He goes, no, she didn't mention you. Thank you.
But some of my family... No, some of my family.
I do. I have powers too, dude. Okay. Okay. I don't have Selena Gomez power, but I buy my own power, dude.
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No. No. No. Perfect. He fucks her. Sends her to the hospital. He fucks her. Wow. And she's like, ah.
That's a movie. This is a movie. That's it. Yeah. Never spoke to her again. It's like that, how's them apples? Yeah. Right? Yeah. That scene. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? It's an amazing story. It's a true wonder story. I've never had a wonder story. Have you ever had a wonder story? You live a wonder story.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. but not like that wonderful.
Here's another thing that I want to tell people right now. I'm glad we're bringing this up. Okay, now it's just FYI. Anyone that sees me at Wii Spa, right, don't recognize me. What do you think? You know what I mean? You're in a steam room. It's steamy. Are you Bobby Lee? They say that to you? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And we're all naked, right? And I always have to go, not here.
You say you're not Bobby Lee here, but you're Bobby Lee outside? I'm Ken Jeong here. Yeah. You're right. I'm Ken Jung, and then we'll go outside on Bobby Lee. My point is that it's one of those places, like when you're eating at a restaurant, where it's like, you don't do it here.
Right, but do you think naked in a spa is not a good place to get recognized?
You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends.
Also, Benny, check this out. I'm 53. You're 53? Yeah, thank you. You look so young. Thank you, Benny. See this right here? That's a gun. Do you see it? Yeah. Right? Yeah. No, it's not a gun. This is a gun. Okay, what's this? This hurts. Going in your ass? No, no, no. I'm just saying. I was trying to make a point that everything hurts. Oh, yeah, I should have done that.
I get picked up. Yeah, he gets lifted. In the back. Like a trophy. No, anywhere. Everywhere. From behind, they're like, hey, I won this or whatever. Why do they pick you up? I'm small and I look like I can be picked up. He's pick-up-able. How tall are you? 5'3", 5'4".
Can't anymore. No, not like Chalamet did. Dude.
What? Did you see him on SNL? No. Fucking killed. He needs to die. What? Too talented. Oh. The kid is fucking amazing. He's so fucking amazing. He is likable. Lovable. He's funny. Good looking. He can sing, play the guitar.
No. Did you see- The Elvis one was corny as fuck. Okay, did you see it though? No, I didn't. Yeah, I saw it, but he is right. Did you see the Bohemian Rhapsody?
Yeah. You've never seen Avengers. No. Oh, you won't? No, I've never seen anything. You know any of the Avengers? No.
You gotta know one of them. You gotta know the superheroes. You're part of pop culture. So just guess an Avenger. What do you mean? Okay, you're Nick Fury, right? You're like Samuel L. Jackson's character. Who the fuck's Nick Fury? He's just in it. You don't have to guess now. Okay. I already just named him, right? Okay. So now there's an emergency, right? There's like Mexican aliens coming down.
Why didn't you just show your hand? You're right, you're right, you're right. I should have just done this. Yeah, why did I do that? I don't know. I don't know. That's insane. Are you shooting me like that you're feeble and crippled at this point? No, what I'm saying is that you get arthritis. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And your body just breaks down. And I'm sober, and it happens.
Okay. Right, from the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Mexicans from the sky, right? Yeah.
You're saying who's the actor? No, no, no. You have to call the actual superhero. So who you call it? I'm your sidekick. I work for you. Spider-Man? Is he an Avenger? Yes, yes. Call Spider-Man. Yeah, call Spider-Man.
I know. Let's go to Avengers. We're back to New Fury.
That's it? That's all you know? Wolverine. It is Marvel Universe, not an Avenger.
With Tobey Maguire. Yeah, I saw that one.
And then like, so obviously you've never heard, you've never seen any Star Wars or anything like that either then?
No, no. I thought JJ Abrams. I never saw Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. Oh, No, J.J.
What? J.J. Abrams did make Lost. He did Lost. Yeah, you're right.
All right, so Lord of the Rings. Never seen it. Wow.
I've never seen that. I like Harry Potter. Okay.
So let's say I'm a girl, right? You break up with Selena, which is going to happen eventually. But my point is that, and I'm like, I'm at your house. It's like, what do you want to watch? What would we watch together? Me and you? Yeah, yeah. As guys? No, as I'm a girl. Don't say that with some hot girl. This is mustard. Yeah, mustard.
In fact, I had my three-year AA birthday Saturday, and nobody... Damn. texted me in this room.
Isabella, Isabella, not in this lifetime.
Is that yours? Yours is that's beautiful?
No, that was gorgeous. Oh, okay. Isabella, Isabella, not in this lifetime.
All right, change it to Isabella, Isabella. I do think that's better.
But is it hard to work with your fiance or no?
Because I want to say something real, though. Can I say something real to you, Benny? Yeah, you can say something. We didn't know much about you before. I really like you, man. You're such a nice guy. Intelligent. I think we have a lot in common.
No, I think so, too. We're the underdogs. We're the underdogs. And you're winning. And I love it. You're winning. Yeah, so give Benny a round of applause.
You nerd. I mean, when you're married to Selena, oh, you're married? I'm engaged.
Does that make your upper lip moist? Because your upper lip right now is so moist. Mm-hmm.
Nobody knows. No one wants to fuck me. Shut up. What do you mean no one wants to? Nobody wants to fuck me. That's not true. You're bringing it up. Why? Because you're with Selena? I think you're so cute. Dude, I'm going to say something right now, and we're not going to bring it up again. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of it, too. What is it? Because you're so loved. I'm tired of it, too.
Right now. Yes. Benny. Yes. Right now what I'm doing is I've talked to my therapist and I'm going to spend the next six months to a year completely alone. Why? Because. Celibacy? Yeah.
Yeah. And I'll tell you why. It's just not happening.
No, no. I'm meeting people. Okay. Right. But it's just like, you know, I want to be able to click. like this guy, and ride on a unicorn. You deserve to be on that unicorn. Thank you so much.
No, dude. Put it on. It looks exactly... No, look at this.
If I'm a unicorn, where am I on the unicorn? Can I be honest? That doesn't look like a unicorn at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going left, dude. He's never going right. Anyway, I'm sitting on the horn.
Yeah, yeah. You deserve the wine. Anyway, so go ahead. What? What? What's the question? This is your date. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's the rest of the fucking date? Well, it's the get to know you portion of the date. Get to know her. She's right there. Oh, really? Yeah, so.
I know, but I'm assuming it's 30. Okay. Okay. So, hey, Kalaya. No. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Right. Right, right. Hi, Mayo. Would that be a good name? Mayo. Hi, Mayo.
Hi. Hi, Bobby. I would probably do a joke like, do you like Mayo?
Bobby, can you keep going? Yeah, I'll keep going. So, Mayo, are you L.A. raised, born?
Raised or born? I was born in Tallahassee. Tallahassee, New York. No. Tallahassee, New York. Yeah, Tallahassee, New York. That's in Florida. In Florida? Yeah. Oh, I love Florida. So how long you been in LA? Bobby, I get asked this on every day. Oh, forget it. What are your dreams? My dreams? It's getting better. Oh, I like that. Yeah.
What? I'm not? Yeah, I don't think you're going to make it. Why?
Hey, Mayo. Yeah? What the fuck you doing? Whoa. No, what do you mean, whoa?
Oh, I bring you on a date, you this redheaded fucking thug.
Yeah. Fuck you, sir. Whoa. Yeah. Fuck you. You know what, male, I'm going to grab you.
Oh my God, dude. Right? We're going to where you deserve to go, Shake Shack. Oh, I love Shake Shack. Now we're in Shake Shack.
I ask about who they are. What I'm trying to get to is if they're damaged.
No. If there's some sort of deep trauma going on. You know what I mean? If they have a dream here in LA, can they make it? If they can't make it, I don't want to do it.
You know, you're a producer, right? Yeah. Right? You can hear it. If you saw a girl's Instagram and saw her singing, would you be able to, can you tell?
You're now a singer? I thought she was a boom mic. Made of sand. What I'm saying is that can't you tell as a stand-up, a girl, if she were at the open mic level, that she may or may not make it?
No, I just want to be able to look at she, at least she can, you know, she has the ability to make it.
Sure. I don't like when people are like, I'm a good singer. And then they can't. And that means the delusion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want delusion. You don't want, okay. Yeah. Yeah. No delusion. I want a good family upbringing. Okay. Delusion. Boom. Mike. Yeah. Boom. Mike. Wait, but not delusion.
But I'm Mayo. I know, but Mayo, check this out, okay? Yes, yes.
Arthritis. Yeah. Okay. If they're in a, let's say their family died in a fire.
No, we have our order. Just give us a second.
I have like five other tables. If your parents died in a fire. Yeah. Right? And then years later, I want to take you camping. Yes. Right? And I light a campfire. You might have PTSD from it. I don't want that. You go camping? He does. I do. You actually camp? Big camp guy.
You guys know what I'm saying. You want to know. He's not at the date. He's my waiter.
All right, Benny, this is how Koreans, when they listen, that's the face they make. Watch any movie. Okay.
That's the best one of the three. But it's campy.
Where do you find the time?
No, we're right back in the tent. No, we're not back in the tent. Back to the Bigfoot.
Dude, no trial. Life in prison. No trial. Life in prison.
You didn't take that class. I didn't take that class. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Garbage. Garbage, everybody.
It's fucking cookie shit.
My grandfather said, be squirrel. Be squirrel. Take egg and put a hole. Put it there.
Halle Bates was clearly on it. I know, dude, but the other six weren't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get to the ones that have been on it. Oprah. Huge one.
Yeah, because there's offshoots, not Modelo. Modelo? There are other ones that are like that. Does Modelo make an offshoot like an offshoot? I don't know. You want to lose weight, bro? Yeah, yeah. Drink Estrella. Wait, wait, Amy Schumer. It didn't help with her face, though, did it? All right. Inzibic hit the body.
Do her now, Heather Gay. I love what Ozepic is doing for me.
I'll tell you a real story. Joe Piscopo. If I may. Please. When I was doing open mics, when I was living in La Jolla, there was a guy that used to come down from LA. He was a fat kid. Right? And he was funny. We did open mics together. His name was Eric Edwards. Okay? Griffin, you mean? No. Oh, okay. Und dann hat er zwei Filme, groΓe Filme. Er hat Blade. Was? Ja.
But what happened was, I didn't know how to use the Ozempic pen and I put the four times the amount in my body. Okay. Okay. Und bevor ich es in meinen KΓΆrper steckte, dachte ich mir, dass ich nicht essen werde, also habe ich eine Fiesta, eine mexikanische Fiesta. Also habe ich Potato-Tiquitos, Karnassade-Burrito, Guacamole, Chips, und ich habe mich gehorcht. Und die Queso? Die Queso. Die Queso.
Er spielt den fassen Blob in Blade.
Oh, ich kenne diesen Kerl. Okay, geh zu Images, der fassen Blob. Warte, habe ich diesen Kerl nicht getroffen? Ja, er hat das. Wahnsinn. Wow. And then he got Sergeant Bilko. The Steve Martin movie. Go to Sergeant Bilko, Eric Edwards. I know this guy though. I feel like I've met him. Right? Go to any... Wow. Go down here with Steve Martin down there. The third row. So that's Eric Edwards.
That's when I met him. Then he lost 200 pounds. I never saw him again. All that weight made him disappear. What does Edward look like now? There, right there. A healthy guy. Same thing with... And he's so talented, so funny, great guy. Aber... Ja, Typecast Hollywood. Right.
If you got... Oh, no. When I was... Dude, when I was on Mad TV and on my Thursdays and Thursdays, I was skinny. But you weren't funny back then. Ich sehe. Du bist lustig jetzt. Ich sehe, dass ich lustig bin. Ich bin lustiger jetzt. Viel. Du bist der lustigste, der je gewesen ist.
Ich weiΓ es nicht. Es ist vorbei. Ich weiΓ nicht, ob es eine gute Idee ist.
Do the trial, do the six, whatever it is, weeks. Let's let the audience, they'll see me lose weight. Let's see what the audience says.
Because you take Ozempic, they'll turn? Yeah, they might. So let's just see what the audience says.
Because I'm going to be on it during Australia. When we're playing down under, you're going to be still taking. Yeah, yeah.
Because what I notice now, and this is the truth, is you factor in your age. Ja. WeiΓt du, was ich meine?
Und es beeinflusst es. Was beeinflusst es? Einfach Dating im Allgemeinen. Es ist in ihrer Meinung.
Und dann, weiΓt du, wenn du nach Raya gehst und alle heiΓen 35-JΓ€hrigen, sie sind in fucking Belize, weiΓt du, was ich meine? Auf einem weiΓen, sandigen Beach. Nein, das ist nur eine Verabschiedungsfoto. Sie leben da nicht?
Es scheint so zu sein, dass sie da leben. Sie sind so entspannt auf der StraΓe und so.
Du willst, dass dein Wiener grΓΆΓer wird.
I know, but you know, I have boyfriend-sized. Huh? Somebody said I had boyfriend-sized penis. I thought you said boysen. I was like boysen. Boysenberry?
Reliable. No, it's reliable. It's like perfect. It's a Honda Civic. Yeah, but also like lowered. It's very low. It's a rice racket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aber hier ist die Sache. Ich denke, dass ich, wenn ich jemanden finde, mit dem ich verliebt bin. Wir haben Nicky gesehen. Er hat eine Frau, die er liebt. Ich will einfach jemanden treffen, mit dem ich verliebt bin. Und dann vielleicht... Okay.
Weil was du tust, ist, dass du die HΓΌfte reinmachst. Yeah, you know, then, you know, you... Financial. Right? Oh, were you looking for a sugar mom? No, no, no, what I'm saying is that, Carlos is what I'm saying, right? Just little subtle things like, yeah, you don't need a job.
Right? They become dependent. Right, right. But then that's where...
And he was so, like, not engaged.
Yeah, but he's also a little full of it, right?
Queso. Queso is good. That's how Mike Tyson says Queso.
Wenn er nur die HΓ€nde hier hΓ€tte und dann mit den Beinen und dem Gesicht. Aber er ist wahrscheinlich auch super berΓΌhmt in San Diego. Das ist, wo er lebt. Ich glaube. Ja. Ich meine, was sagst du?
Wenn er stirbt, wird Gott sagen, wir haben dir das vergessen. Mein Nacken. Sorry, we didn't put this in.
Yeah. So I gorged, and immediately I stuck the pin in my stomach. Yeah. Right? But what happened was, my food wasn't digested. Obviously, you're right when you eat. So the olympic was like, hey, what's going on in here?
Nein. Das ist mein neues Ding.
Lass mich etwas sagen, okay? Ja. Das ist Bullshit. Was meinst du? Die Internet leidet nie. Nein. Weil ich die Cat Sounds App gedownloadet habe. Und es gibt Millionen davon. Klar. Es gibt sogar Kugels. WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Und sie kommen. Kugels. Und die Katzen, was ist los? Es ist nicht nur so. Ich garantiere dir. WeiΓt du was? Es ist so lustig. Ich habe keine Katzen. Ich weiΓ nicht.
Ich werde die App wieder downloaden. Und ich werde es tapen. Ich werde es tapen. Weil ich es sehen mΓΆchte. Ja, weil das Bullshit ist. Okay, ich will es sehen. WeiΓt du das? Ja. Ja, ja, ja. By the way, hast du meine HΓΌhner Sausagen gestern Abend gefΓΌttert? Ja. Du hast sie gefΓΌttert?
Because your dog, right, is a little user. Every pet is a user. This dog, he came up to me. It's a girl. She came up to me and went, right, and I went, and she just ran away. And she went to the next guy. You had nothing for her. Except what I'm saying is that he's fickle. She's not fickle. What's the word? Transactionary. Transactional. Yeah.
Yeah. Happy birthday, by the way. Thanks, man. What a great party. And, you know, I'm sitting outside, if I may express myself. Whatever you want. Okay. Yeah. First of all, I have to say, and I don't want to start a fight with you, but I'm about to. Sounds like it. Yeah. You're an OCD Freakazoid. Mm-hmm. Right? It's just like any crumb. Yeah. Like I was sitting in a... Right? Swipe, you know.
Come on, dude, use the plate. Put a Diet Coke on the table. What about a coaster, man? And you were just all around your place doing that. And then you're like, can I smoke in your backyard? No, you smoke out front. That's when I went, nah, I'm smoking in your backyard. It's a fucking party. And I had everyone smoke back there. Did you see that? It was just you and one other guy.
No, no, it wasn't. It was five people smoking back there.
Burrito, out. Taquitos, out. Puked all over the studio. So I took a nap and I woke up gargling. Ja, das waren Bubbleguts. Dann habe ich die Puken, die McCone in meinem Haus gekleidet. Hattest du nicht Zeit, in dein Bad zu gehen? Wir haben zusammen gelebt. Hast du mich je vomuten gesehen? Nie. Wow. Ich bin ein Diarrheaguy. Ja, das ist dein Ding. Ich bin der KΓΆnig von dem. Andere Seite.
Also, these guys are the worst at parties.
No, they weren't. I didn't know the drop of that. And then when a celebrity walked in and I see these guys, hey man, how's it going? And they're like, oh, I'm fine. And just dead. Stopped. Wow. Right? And then they would just move on.
But when you have a party, right, you don't form, and everyone knows this, it's in the handbook, you don't form a power circle. What are you talking about? WeiΓt du, was ich sage, wenn ich das sage? Ich denke so. Ja, genau. Er weiΓ es nicht. Ja, er weiΓ es. Ich werde ihn fragen. Nein, nein, lass ihn es erklΓ€ren. ErzΓ€hl mir den Power Circle. Die berΓΌhmtesten Leute sind alle zusammen. Genau.
Wer ist das? Oh, also ich bin drauΓen. Ich bin im Grunde genommen der Host der fucking Party an diesem Punkt. Right? I'm talking to everyone out there. To you, yes. No, for sure. For you, yes. I was the life of the party back there. I was killing it.
Please. I looked through the window, he did it too, and we were duo. And I'm gonna give him the prop.
Okay, weiΓt du was? Ich werde nicht mit diesem Power Circle-Business aufhΓΆren. Hier ist das Problem. Du bist unvergesslich. Jetzt schaue ich in das Haus und sehe drei MΓ€nner. Side by side like this in a power circle. There's no room to get in. A triangle. A triangle of sadness. A triangle of sadness. Thank you so much. It's Andrew, Charlie Day and Scott Kahn. In a fucking triangle of sadness.
Not for you. So guess what I did. I broke it up. You did. You came by. I came by and I go, enough of this triangle bullshit. Yeah. And what happened? They all laughed. Yeah, they laughed. They loved it. Yeah.
Yeah, but you know, man, these fuckers can't interrupt a power circle. Well, no, they don't belong. They know that. What are you guys doing there?
Someone's gotta. Last thing I want to say. It was the saddest thing I saw all night. Okay, at your party. Number one, as parties go. It wasn't a party.
I loved it. It was a get-together. You've never been invited to a get-together like that.
Right. And how many dogs do you have? I don't know. How many dogs do you have? Being real. I don't know. You have one, right? Yeah. You have two. McCone. McCone. Because what I saw through the window is everywhere you were, he's right behind you.
He's my shadow. He does whack.
He's my little shadow. Honestly, dude, have you sucked his penis?
It's so sad to watch. Tell him. Es ist so traurig zu sehen. Er ist nur bei deiner Beckenkolle.
Ja, ich mache nur die andere Seite. Hat jemand anderes je in deinem Haus geschlafen? Nein. Das ist der erste Puck in diesem Haus. Wahrscheinlich. Wow. Ja. Dann bin ich hierher gekommen und wir hatten ein kleines GebΓ€ck. Wir hatten ein kleines GebΓ€ck.
Nein. Ja, ja. Du, danke. Lass mich etwas sagen. Ich weiΓ, du bist meine Tochter. WeiΓt du, warum? Weil ich das gleiche dachte. Und ich war zu traurig, es zu sagen. Und lass mich diese Frage auf seine Seite beantworten, okay? Ja.
Yeah, and you're Dennis Rodman. You missed a joke there. What? I said from the Lakers, and you said, no, the orthodontist or something.
Du musstest was essen. Ich musste was essen. Und dann haben wir die Promo gemacht. Und ich wusste... Wir haben es versucht. Warum nicht wir es fΓΌr die Fans spielen? Ja, schau dir das an.
Do it again, try it again. I was like giving you a layup. I'm Phil Jackson. You mean the Lakers coach? Yes. That's funnier that way.
Okay, you know what my favorite meme of this was? What? Denn Dennis Rodman ging wirklich nach Nordkorea. Es gibt also ein Meme, wo ein General zu Kim Jong-Un spricht und Kim Jong-Un sagt, was meinst du, das ist nicht Barack Obama? Das ist so lustig.
Oh, I thought you meant the sandwich. Like a spicy sandwich. I know you remember those. I do. I love hot subs. I've seen every time we pass a Jimmy Johns, this guy. So, a hot substitute teacher.
Oh, wow. Und dann, wenn du, weiΓt du, wΓΌrdest du... Ja. Ich glaube, sie hat es.
But does that... I didn't know that once the teacher is dead, they just... The first sub... Isn't there like... Well, that... Well, since the last guy was this hero, just hire him.
I'm going to throw it in another layer. If I may. Please. He finds out about Barbara Nicholson, right? And he's okay with it. He loves it. But then, she's still in school, right? He no longer works there, right? No, no, no. You're new, the guy, right? He's sick, so they have a new sub. A new sub? He's hotter. Oh, no! Yeah, he's even hotter than the one, right?
We're talking about, like, you know, um... Das ist wie Brad Pitt? Nein, der verdammte Elvis. Was ist sein Name? Butler. Austin Butler. Ich mag Jacob Elordi.
Und das ist das neue, was du tun musst.
Ruiz just gotta go, because you want LaGuardia, but LaGuardia's not into it. But Dan, here's the kick at the end. Oh no! Yeah, here's the hook at the end. I know what it is. What is it? Barbara Pickleson's not dead. She's not dead! She's not dead.
Like a zombie. Pickleson comes back. She's going to a diner. The return of Miss Pickleson. Dude, that's part two. That's so good. We gotta make this a two-parter. Write this fucking movie. Ruiz, right? She kills Ruiz. She hits on the other side. LaGuardia.
Well, he can be trans meatball. Trans meatball! Oh, I see. Okay, so what you're saying to me is this, right? I'm a human, right? You're always a human. I'm always a human, right? But I identify as meatball sandwich. Yes! My pronouns are meat and ball. I go to Korea, because they're good at surgery, right? Right. And I make my balls much bigger. Yes. Like meatballs. Huge meatballs. Right.
And they always have marinara on them all the time. Right. And I come up with, I don't think the skin should be the breading. I should have a jacket. You're a big piece of cheese. I think I have a jacket. You're a big piece of cheese.
You're a big piece of cheese. Like a bag. You're a big piece of cheese. No, the inner clothing is the cheese. Oh, okay. For wardrobe and stuff. I don't want to get into CGI. I get it. Right, right. We have to save some money.
He's a real sweetheart, that guy. I really like him a lot. Promotional of her of getting with a new guy, it sounds like. I mean, one time he just waited out here for hours to pick you up. Yeah. I've seen him wait for six hours for you. Oh my god. Yeah, what a guy.
He's a serial killer. I know, dude, no. And I'm gonna defend him. I'm teasing. I know, but that's what's lost with us new men. Is what? Everyone in this room is that kind of chivalry.
In den 1700er-Jahren war kein Mann auf einem Pferd. Nein, er hat einen Weg gemacht.
Er geht einfach auf die Bar und dann kommt er zurΓΌck. Oh, ich verstehe. Das ist, was du tun wΓΌrdest. Er wΓΌrde vielleicht in eine Bar gehen.
Aber diese Wurzeln waren gewaltig. Ja, das sah so aus, als wΓΌrde es schmerzen. Aber jetzt, jede Stunde zu Hause, ich habe nicht mal im Zimmer geschlafen, ich habe in deinem alten Zimmer geschlafen. Und ich habe die TΓΌr geΓΆffnet, damit ich direkt in den KΓΌhlschrank gehen konnte, weil der KΓΌhlschrank nahe an der TΓΌr war. Du hast nur im KΓΌhlschrank geschlafen.
No. I think there is somebody out there that I'm willing to do that. Bobby. Yeah.
Oh ja. Und nicht nur das. Hier ist das Beste, was ich fΓΌr sie gemacht habe. Das Beste, was du gemacht hast. Das Beste, was ich gemacht habe. Es war das Beste. Okay. Und du wirst nicht glauben. Und das ist die Wahrheit. Sie rufen mich an und sagen, kannst du uns Coachella-Tickets geben? Erinnerst du dich? Ja. Und ich sage, ich gehe nicht. Also ich... Ich musste so viel bezahlen.
Ja, die sind so teuer. Nein, aber durch CAA. Oh, du hast ihn vom Agenten bekommen. Also habe ich Backstage bekommen. Ich habe VIP bekommen. Ich habe das ganze Ding bekommen. VIP.
And also, it's Coachella, so there's traffic. The whole way. The whole way, right? Both ways. I had to get out of the fucking car, wait in line. Nope. Get their tickets and I go, have fun, ladies.
Two and a half hours. Exactly, five hours drive. Ladies, if you're listening to me right now, that's what I'm willing to do. Used to. No, I would do it now.
Nein, die Alternative... Wenn du aus deinem Weg gingst, du hast all diese Geld gespendet, es ist auch so, dass Beyonce spielt. Ja. WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Du wΓΌrdest es machen.
Und ihr habt alle eine gute Zeit, oder? Ja, ja. Du hast nur einen Dime gespendet. You spent a dime, did you? Yeah. Me here. I would have. And that's the kind of shit you should remember. That's right. Log it in. So what I'm saying is that I'm willing to do it. To go that extra yard. I would do that. I think you would do it too. I would do it, but I would make... Here's the thing. I made a stink.
Ja, und jede Stunde, das war die schlimmste 24 Stunden, 48 Stunden. Hast du einen Gewicht verloren? I'm still fat. And that's the problem. Here's another thing about Ozempic that I wanted to talk about. Is that I'm not eating at all. And so I feel so tired because I'm not eating any protein.
Just a little nasal breath. Walk inside. Hold on, you gotta do it again. That was good acting. Holy shit. That was such good acting.
Or you would have done one of your moves. Golf? Nein. Wie du es auf der Tour gemacht hast, als du tot warst. Ja. Und du hast gesagt, ich werde in der Nacht zu einer Bar gehen und mich tot trinken. Na, ich bin nicht tot. Ich weiΓ, aber du hast das gemacht. Erinnerst du dich, als du tot warst?
That seems like a long time ago. I think it was. Almost a year. Wow. No. Over a year. What the fuck am I saying? Wow, wow, wow. It doesn't feel like that, does it? No. I mean, what I'm saying is, I want to meet somebody that I'm at least willing to do that for. I think you will.
Is that imitating? Is this Halloween themed? No. Oh, okay.
Ich liebe... Warte, warte. Zoom in meinen Arm. Du hast ein Mad-TV-Tattoo? Er hat dein Tattoo? Er hat das Mad-TV-Tattoo drauf. Und Steve. Und Steve. Und Steve, das ist unglaublich. Und er hat den in deinem rechten Arm. Und du kannst es kaum sehen. Ja, das ist ein unglaublicher Detail. Ich mag das sehr. Okay, lasst uns das nΓ€chste Mal sehen.
Come on over here, Bobby. Zoom in, please. What's that on his other arm? A tumor? Oh, I know what it is. I'm your underdeveloped Siamese twin. Oh my God, that's great. Yeah, yeah, that's what it is. I do like my teeth.
That one on the top right is really good. I think that right now is...
Oh, das hat einen Taco-Cabana-Vibing.
What, you think I'm gonna vomit?
Ich weiΓ, ich weiΓ. Ich mache das mit meinen HΓ€nden und meine Leute haben seine HΓ€nde verdammt. Es war so, oh ja, 2 Uhr Anrufzeit. Ja, sechs Stunden Make-up. Und wir schieΓen nicht bis 10 Uhr. Erinnere dich, was er durchgehen muss.
Can I say something? I'm Bobby Mom.
No, stop. I had one sausage. Right? Eine Viertel deiner Pretzel. Nein. Ja. Du hattest eine halbe Pretzel. Nein, das war nicht eine halbe. Du hast mir eine Viertel gegeben. Es war eine halbe. Ja, aber ich habe sie nicht beendet. Okay. Ich habe sie nicht beendet. Es gibt keine Beweise dafΓΌr. Ja. Und dann habe ich einige deiner leckeren Apfel-Turnover gegessen.
I don't know what you're doing, but. Oh, I love that. Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Asha Keister. Zoom in, zoom in.
And the shirt goes back in the back of the shirt, the hat. That's rad. It's so rad, dude. That is so fucking cool.
This is what I want my life to be. That's what I want my life to be with you. And you're wearing your beautiful birthday chain.
Das ist Dragon Ball Z. Nur noch eine. Yeah, I like that one a lot too.
Yeah, that's done. So I want to apologize to the Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco. I had to cancel over the weekend because I had a little vomiting scare.
Das war alles, was ich den ganzen Tag gegessen habe. Du hattest nichts vorher? Nein, das war es den ganzen Tag. Okay. Das war mein Essen. Und heute, als wir zu einem Michelin-Star-Restaurant gingen, was sehr schΓΆn war. Und da habe ich Fisch gegessen. Das ist das erste Mal, dass du Fisch gegessen hast. Ja, und ich habe Kaviar gegessen. What was in there too? What was inside of it?
It was a crab, right? Some crab inside and then some eel. Eel and sticky rice. If you watch Naked and Afraid. Yeah, love it. It's a survival show. And they haven't eaten in four days. And when they actually finally eat protein, they can feel it in their body. Sometimes they get really sick because their body's not used to it. But sometimes they're like, I can feel it gives them immediate energy.
Not that that happened. German Sausages didn't do it for you? What I'm saying is, but you instantly feel better. Yeah. You know what I mean? You feel like you're... Yeah, without today's dinner we had, I would be so tired right now. Did you eat any breakfast? No. No lunch? No. So what are you doing today? Just water? Are you drinking anything? I'm electrolytes. So like Gatorade.
Yeah, and I've gotten IVs every day. Don't do that every day? Yeah, I need nausea. You're not supposed to get an IV every day. Just three days in a row. That's every day. Exactly. That's not good. I know. They couldn't even find the hole. You're going to have track marks on your arm. We're going to think you're using a gas. Yeah, but I needed the nausea medication.
No, they didn't. So I feel bad about the... The Cobbs, I apologize for that. Now the big question, will I continue to use it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go a year. Chelsea Handler does it? Yeah, you guys are kind of the same. Yeah, yeah. And she swears by it.
Mm-hmm. I see that. But that's not... No, that's true. That's not the consensus on the street.
Okay, let me just say something right now. The fucking Hak Tua girl. What's her name? Hak Tua. Hayley.
Well, that's my bedroom. And McCone cleaned that.
Welch, right? You know what she... I'm gonna start a war with this lady right now, dude. Why? Because I'm gonna tell you why. Okay? Okay. She's on her podcast and she has a couple of girls on it, right? Yeah. And they put up a photo. I guess they had put in Kim Jong-un in replace of... Kim Jong-Un hat den Hak-Tua-Show gemacht? Nein, sie haben... Wir kΓΆnnen Kim Jong-Un nicht haben?
Was zur HΓΆlle macht ihr? Wir wussten nicht, dass du Bobby Lee auf dem Podcast hattest. Und dann sagt Hak-Tua, ich hatte ihn. Sie sah die Bilder und sagt, es ist Bobby Lee. Sie dachte, es war Kim Jong-Un. Das ist cool. Nein, es ist nicht.
Yeah. Or you could be like in one of those movies.
Where there's an assassination, so they put in a fake Kim Jong-un. You could be that. I'm the fake Kim Jong-un. Right. And you go to South Korea. Oh, hello. You know, I come.
He's friends with all the cool kids. He's doing the South Korean dab. I get on fucking television. Psy becomes your best friend? No, not fuck Psy. He's doing his own gag dance style.
Everybody knows Cody. I dress you once a week this time. What do you think?
Und dann gibt es Musik. Ich weiΓ nicht. Also, das ist, warum ich Gewicht verliere. FΓΌr Hoctua? Nicht nur Hoctua. Leute sagen jetzt, dass ich fettig bin. Ich mag es nicht. Schau mich an. Du bist nicht fettig.
Yeah, I went deep. You ever heard of deep clean, dude? $500! You gave him $500?
All right. I mean, that's enough said. So I'm going to try this out.
Fuck that! So a year ago, maybe eight months ago, I know, I don't want to say her name, but I know a comic that was a little rotund. Okay. Und ich habe sie schon lange nicht gesehen. Und ich habe sie in der Comedy-Store gesehen.
Ich habe gesagt, was ist los? Hast du eine neue Routine? Sie sagt, nein. Oh, zimp it, Baby. Ich habe gesagt, was ist das? Und sie hat es mir einfach erklΓ€rt. Ich war so, oh, kann jemand es verstehen? Nun, du hast es gehΓΆrt, in der Zeitgeist der Welt. Nein, das ist so ein Jahr ago. Oh, before it was hot. Yeah, so I didn't know about it.
She kind of told me what... And she goes, it was a diabetes medication that now it helps with curving appetite.
Yes, they are. All right. I just didn't know how to use the thing. The pen. I think I did it twice.
You get 300 in the next three. I went through two of those smiley sponges. Go through all of them. I did. All of them in your house. A plethora. Get your own smiley sponge and bring it over. I'm not going to give you the three until the smell is gone.
Es gab einen Punkt, wo ich um drei Uhr morgens war, ich war so hart heben und nichts kam raus. Ich hasse das GefΓΌhl. Ich weiΓ, dass ich dachte, meine Spine wΓΌrde schnappen.
Oh, that's right. Well, that has to do with you not communicating with her ever either. I know, but she thought... And then what's so funny, when I finally called her, she was weeping. You're alive! That's cute. It is cute. I go, shut the fuck up or you'll get fired. Or something like that. That's how you say goodbye. Yeah, no, I said, stop it. I didn't die. Right. I was so worried about you.
Yeah, she's like, who's gonna pay me to really not do your calendar? Aber sie hat dich angerufen.
Okay. Cut out Middle Joe. That wasn't even funny. That made no sense. Cut out that joke. Kathy Bates, look. Kathy Bates? Yeah.
I know, 20 minutes. Go back over there right now while we're shooting. So I'm going to tell everyone what happened. Let's be truthful. Okay, I have no idea what happened. I mean, you cancelled. You cancelled Cobbs. And I apologize. I'm gonna make up the dates in February and I'm gonna give you guys the best show you'll ever have seen. Alright, so that's a promise to you and I apologize.
Sorry? Sometime this week.
Yeah, yeah. They've done that.
What time? What time you go?
Wow. Al is a magician. Al is, he can get into anything too.
It's his paycheck, paycheck, paycheck.
You're going to check for me?
Rage. Rage would spill out of him. Yeah.
Like when a group of people walk out during a set up. People did that to you? Yeah, last night. I go, where are you going? And they turn around. We got to go to the bathroom. During a set up? Well. I get so mad. And then it's like, or they fall asleep. You get late night spots at the OR. There's always like a heroin nod lady. You know what I mean? In and out of consciousness.
You call me, I'll call you, okay?
Yeah. Itchies, bro. And you know what's also driving me crazy? Anime. I tell you. Dude, he's been really sticking you. He went up there. We did David Tell's benefit show for the fires. And I was second to last, but Adam went up a couple before me. He slaughtered, right? Yeah. But now I'm in the back of the room looking at the audience going... Why? I don't know why. What's wrong? I don't know.
Yeah. He's killing too hard. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look at audience and go... And they're like, why? You know what I mean? I go, don't laugh. No, no, no. Stop laughing. Yeah. And then they go, okay. And then they stop laughing. Right. And then when other groups, I go, like the Mexicans, they go crazy. I go, you know what I mean? And Adam's still killing. Was he doing him or Phil? Him.
He's playing him. He's doing him, right? And then afterwards, I go up there, and I always do the Weasley thing. I just sit next to him. I put my arm around him. I go, you did good, huh? Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, it was fun. I go, uh-huh. And I squeeze a little bit. You're really trying to threaten him.
Is that a little big dog? Are you big dogging him when you do that? It's a little too much, man. I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so much. And he's in a moment. And I love him dearly like a brother. You know that, right? Yeah. But it's like... But you're sick of it.
How can you have a war? With who? With the Greeks and the... What the fuck? No, no, no. How can you have a war, right? If you're... a tiny island a micro island you know what I mean you know those micro islands you know how Philippines has those little tiny islands versus America
No, no. It's not a local war. ZocDoc. Ow. Ow. Me too. Me too. Oh, both of us. I'll tell you where to go.
Well, he does. He thinks I do. That's how I always talk to him. Where is he from? China. Oh, he's off the boat. Yeah, he's off the boat, yeah. Was he on the show? He thinks I'm from off the boat too.
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You guys, I would not be standing here right now or sitting here without it. My body does not move without energy shots. You know what I mean? Because I'm a sloth, right? And I don't move to the rhythms of the universe.
He comes over, yeah. Yeah, he comes over. I'm in the presence of a movie star. I'm in the presence of a superstar. Why do you keep singing this? Because I did two lines in Theo Vaughn's movie. I'm in the presence of a movie star. Yeah? Dude. Dude. Who'd you work for? Morgan Freeman this week. Morgan Freeman. Right? He does. I do want Theo Vaughn. I'm movie star.
I love these shots, man. Sometimes I'm super tired and I've got to perform in front of thousands and thousands and thousands of people. I need a shot of energy.
This is a civil war. This is the North versus the South. No, let's stop. Let's stop. What are you doing? Nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not. It's more like California versus Washington. I'll give you that.
But we're still a part of the same state.
How about this? I get Bakersfield down.
It is? I think so, right? How about this? Sac, we carve out San Jose for San Francisco, and then we go down. Okay, that's fine. Okay, good. Thank you, thank you.
But anyway, yeah, maybe there is a little war. Yeah, see, I think you get Fresno for sure. That's huge. Yeah. It was the Josh Holm thing I think that pisses me off. That did. It fucked you up. Yeah, because he went to go see Adam backstage, and now when Adam's killing, I look at them as if they're all Josh Holm.
I view every audience member as Josh Holm, and I go...
Don't laugh at that. You're Queens of the Stone Age. Don't laugh at that. Them crooked vultures, remember? Them crooked vultures, baby. Yeah, baby.
I see you with basketball stars now. Basketball stars? Yeah. Who? I saw you on the court with some very large African-American people.
Okay. So he plays for the Knicks. Well, you're in Boston. That's right. The Boston. Oh, no, no, no, no. The Celtics. That's right. The Celtics. Okay. Right. Celtics. Right. And is Jamal Byrd. I'm not kidding.
Because I know there was Larry Bird. There was Larry Bird. Yeah.
I understand that. But, you know, if you mix the two.
There's Jamal. Jamal, Jay Bird, Charles. There he is. I miss him. Yeah. Jalen. So who is that? You're on the court. Jalen Brown. You're on the court. Yeah. And what does that feel like?
So I'm going to tell you where we're at.
In our careers. And Carlos knows this. If I wanted to go to the Celtics game.
What Morgan Freeman are you talking about? The fucking eyes, the blind, the magic movie you did in fucking Hungary.
Because I'm trumping you, dog. All right. So what I'm saying is. You don't have an email. If I wanted to go to the Celtics game, I would get last row. You know what I mean? This is such a bullshit. It is. It's true. I can't. I've never been on the court. You don't go to basketball. Even if the fucking stadium was. Even if the stadium was empty on a Monday morning. I wouldn't be able to get on.
If you like basketball, they would do the same for you. I'll never see Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift in any situation. You don't like football. I'm just saying, and you're just, you know what I mean? All I'm saying, who's the movie star here?
You know what I'm like? I'm like, you know, Southwest industrial film.
when you hit the button. I said, sorry, but I had to defend myself. I had to defend myself. He's sweating. Pete, get him your sweat rag.
Get out of that, okay? You know what?
Can I defend myself real quick? Yeah. All right, dude. I'm in. All right, you're in? You're 50% true. Yes. No, it's way more.
It's way more. Okay, have I worked? In things, yes. Your whole life. I mean, you could just, it's obvious. IMDB means I've done things, okay? But what I'm saying is that there are certain other things like events or the circle of people that one hangs out with. Like when we're in Melbourne, right, and Dakota Fanning came in and all these people, these celebrities, they came for you.
No, they did not. They came for us. They're fans of us. Had you met any of them before? My buddy Jake Lacey. Exactly. I've never even, there's no other situation where I'd be able to see him. Yeah, you would through me. You're in the presence of a movie star. That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? No. So I don't get into your situation. Do I have a blessed life? Yes. And I've worked hard.
You just don't create relationships.
I just don't know how. You don't create relationships. My situations are me and Dave Attell in an alleyway smoking a cigarette. You romanticize this. Me and Ian Fidance at a spa.
What are you talking about? When I got back from fucking Budapest, Jamie Lee Curtis, I'm like, you want to do something? And no return. That's what I'm saying.
Then maybe I'm picking the wrong battles. You're definitely picking the wrong battles.
Oh, come on. You know I'm kidding, right? No. The fans know. The fans don't know. Dude, the fans, you know. This podcast is a disaster. I'm sweating. I'm drowning. This is insane. Get him his sweat rack. This is crazy. I don't need a sweat rack. Get the fuck away from me. Get the fuck away from me. If you approach me, I'll fucking attack you. Get out of here. Good boy. We'll eat that, man. Anyway.
So, all right, let's back up. So it's 50% true. Okay, so let's move forward. Let's move forward from it. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It's wild. Thank you, Celtics organization, for letting him sit in your seats. It meant the world to me. It meant the world for him, right?
Okay, Carlos, what are you doing?
I love apple cider vinegar.
It's just so good for your toe fungus. You put your feet in it? I have a concoction at home. You want to hear my concoction? It really works.
Sometimes. But the two mixtures that are... Why are you laughing, dude?
It's just my left foot. I've always had a problem with my left foot.
Is that what it's about? Yeah, Bobby Lee Lewis is in My Left Foot, a new version. So My Left Foot, so I'll tell you what you do, okay? It's oregano oil and tea tree oil mixed. Swirl around. You swirl around. One to one. 50% 50, 50-50, yeah. So one to one. Yeah. And then you dunk your toe in there. And then let it sit? You sit there for like an hour. An hour? And you have to fucking angle it.
So you're like watching an iPad movie, but your foot's like this and you're doing this.
Oh, fuck, you're right. And what do you do?
You know what else I take? I'm scared. 20 mushrooms.
Yeah, all that stuff. Go back and see that.
I was on TikTok of anti-fungal machine. It doesn't work. Well, no shit. Yeah. I spent hundreds of dollars on this green machine. What are you? You stick your toes in there and the green light comes on. In an antifungal TikTok machine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that it? I don't know. I got it on TikTok. Nail fungus. And you stick your toes in there and a little glow happens.
It's like a laser-y thing. You're lasering the fungus now? Yeah, and it's like nothing's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another thing that doesn't work is when you're on TikTok, sleep gummies, that don't work. You try those? I buy every single one. What are they? CBD. Isn't that what it is? The sleep gummies? Some of them are like, oh, there's a... Fuck.
Okay, what are you getting? And then I'll share mine.
Yeah, I was getting a lot of like, guys. Oh yeah. I'm not done. I already know.
Oh, I fucking hate these videos. Right? And I'm like, who's Pepper? You have to ask the question. Who is Pepper? Right? And then they zoom down, right? And it's their fucking dog. It's their pet dog. Yeah, yeah. And we just put the injection in. Oh, God, dude. Right? And then everyone's crying. I'm like, you're sharing such an intimate moment. Yeah. I don't want to see that. No, please don't.
You know what I look like there? Sicario. Sicario. A hit man. You do. Yeah.
I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. This is going to kill me. It's going to kill me, too. Please don't. Get out. Get out. Carlos. Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out. Stop it. I hate those ones. What are the ones you hate? I'll be okay with a cat last day, but don't do a dog last day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dog last day is the worst.
We're going to the planet Isurus. I swear to God. But please sit down. We have to take some tests. I don't like it. And I'm like, you know, my dick's in my hand, but I'm still zoned. It's great. I'm going to Isurus.
I'm going straight to the zeros, guys.
It gives you the ick. That's what the kids say.
So many things give me the ick, man. Um, I got a real specific one that's really stupid. You mean on TikTok videos? No, in general.
You know what I mean? It's like, you've never had sushi. Yeah, you've never had real, right? Yeah. Real sushi. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah.
I've told you this before, every time I play Charlie Goodnight's. In Charlotte? Yeah, there's Koreans that come, come with us. To where? To where? Korea, best in America. Well, it could be good. Right? No, I went. Bad. It's fucking terrible. It's like they don't know. You know what I mean? Well, okay, let's talk about restaurants.
Let's stop for a second. Push pause. Let me get the information right. Yeah. A man... Yeah. Did I get it right? You got that part. That's all I know. That's all I know. A man. No. So a man hired a hitman to kill his wife.
We were in Phoenix. We went to...
pizzeria uh where did we go no i just was there this weekend yeah so i went to bianco oh pizza bianco and they gave us they're huge fans of ours by the way yeah they're great yeah and went to bianco and we're sitting there with great pizza right but it's like and they can and someone in phoenix could say you know what we have one of the best pizza sure and i'll go yes okay i agree i agree right but um
New York is easy. I'll back you on that.
Okay, God bless. Is that you that smells like that?
Like a Jo Malone perfume. Jo Malone. God, I love the accent.
I'm in the presence of a president. Yes, you are. Ha ha ha!
Nottingham. Nottingham Forest. Very proper. In the Premier League, yeah.
Third in the lead right now.
Oh, wow. Derby you haven't seen in the Premier League in a very long time. No. Insult. That's an insult. No, but she's a... Are you a Forest or a Derby?
One for one. Because let's just say, if I was a guy. You are. I know, thank you. And I fucked a thousand women, right? I would have to pick, do you get to pick the women?
But you didn't pick the guys then?
So just any old look, you know?
No. And let me ask you something before we get into this. And they framed it as a robbery. How much money would you spend? What? To kill your wife. How much money would I spend? Yeah. I wonder how much. Well, I don't want. I would want top level. Okay.
Oh, like in Dune. Yeah, it's like in Dune. Yeah, I get it.
Okay. The movie Dune. Yeah, there's a box. There's a box. That's like what you guys did at Christmas, right? At Christmas, yeah. So could I have applied?
Am I too old? That could be like in the ride.
Are you watching porn to keep it up?
It's like that Guardian of the Galaxy ride at Disneyland. Yeah, it takes two hours to get on it. It takes forever to get there.
Because I know that he's going to be right before me.
You know what I mean? I'm going to be like, oh, fuck.
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That's so nice. Wow, what a gracious person. You're just a sweet, gracious person. You're like Mother Teresa in a different way.
Yeah. Do you live in England now or here?
You throw out things that don't make no sense, so I throw out things that don't make no sense to you.
Why can't I just say to another person that they're beautiful? What's the problem? Why'd you laugh at me?
Thank you. Also, make it more challenging. Mix up the letters because I can read it. That's cool. See, that would be cool. It's Texas. It doesn't fool me that it's upside down. Mix up the fucking letters, dude.
Are you super famous now in England or around the world, I mean?
Yeah, yeah. How do you like it?
Yeah. But you're not. Oh, you're not.
Oh, well, still clap for now. Have you ever been?
Okay. Wow. Wow, that's crazy.
Are you a hooligan or what? He knows a few English words. You're giving me a hooligan fucking vibe right here. Hello, mate. Got a problem? Fucking guy. What you looking at, dog? Dude, imagine how bad that guy would break you. I know, I know. That's why I have to put this forward. I know what you're doing. You're fighting the biggest guy in the jail cell. You'll kill me.
You'll destroy me, but you know what I mean? So you're security. He does security.
Let's turn this into a business. Can we charge for FastPass? Yeah. Yeah, but that way, like a guy like me, I can buy a FastPass, cut in line, buy another FastPass, so I'm constantly, you know what I mean? See you again. You know what I mean? What if you just fake it? Like if a guy in a wheel, is any disabled?
I'm not the IMDB. No, no, no, stop, stop. Don't even do that. It looks good. What are you doing? I'm just trying to celebrate my friend. Okay, I'm going to tell you something. You want me to expose you to the fucking truth? Okay. Go ahead. You want to be exposed to the truth, my friend. Yeah, go ahead. What is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I could play 14 Asians. Yeah, you can. You know what I mean? I can go, I don't know, right? I don't know, right?
You know what I mean? I could mix it up, dude. Right? Take a mustache, put a mustache on, right? No. Ali Wong wig. You know what I mean? I could do all kinds of stuff, dude. What do you think? I believe it. Yeah, I'm Sandra Oh or whatever. You know what I mean?
And sometimes we can do a theme like Vietnam. Yeah, right. We can have a little trail. A trail to your vagina, right? I could play as a Vietnamese like Viet Cong.
I would have a bushes there. You know what I mean? And do the sound, right? You know what I mean? And firecrackers. Yeah. So they can get into the PTSD of it, right? You know what I mean? Too. Everybody.
And then we'll get you Chinese eyes too. You know what I mean?
What? What's my name? Bobby.
My Korean name? Your Korean name, yeah.
Yeah. Well, on my person for tickets, it says Robert, but my Korean name is Sungwoo. Sungwoo? Yeah.
Yeah, wow. You play the dad, I play the mom. All right. Bonnie. So, Tia. Bonnie, sit down. We have to talk to you about something.
Excuse me. Our daughter's name is Tia. Oh, that's right. That's right. Tia. My bad. So, how's the cop been?
That's great. See, my family are immigrants. They don't know what I, they've never really known what I do.
They don't know, but they know that I make money and they know that it's, you know, I mean, that I have a skill set. Yeah. So they just kind of accept it and go, you know, he's happy, he's safe, he's making money, he takes care of us, but they don't essentially know really what it is, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Unless they, like, if I pop up on Squid Games or something, my mom would go, that he is, you know what I mean, or whatever, but like... But you're not on Squid Games, buddy. Yeah, I know, dude.
Basically because I lied about my age.
Dude, Thomas Spader is so good. He always plays the diner patron in every movie. Every. And he's so good. He never has a line, right? But when he's eating in the background, dude, you're like, oh, that guy's really eating.
I love it. Sorry, sir. Does LA feel different than England?
I haven't been there in years. I don't know. Is it gloomy? It's so different.
It's a South African business, is it not? South Africa. Yeah. Anyway, let's move on. I think it is.
What do you mean? Sorry, do we have a translator? Yeah, go ahead. I'll tell you.
I'm a little nervous about it.
Yeah, I'm nervous. You made him horny. I won't be able to get hard. It'll be just too much pressure. No, you could do it. Maybe I get Bluetooth. Maybe put some Bluetooth. Yeah, I want to get one of our sponsors to help us out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't even know what my character... Anyway, so you want me to expose the truth? Oh, yeah. Expose me the truth. Can't wait. Oh, see, when you're in this kind of mood, dude, see this.
Because you're being sarcastic.
They don't offer you shit because they know you're going to say no. Buddy, buddy, buddy. They know you're going to say no because you know what you need? Buddy. Mucho dinero, por favor. Buddy. That's what you want. Buddy. Dinero, por favor. That's you, guy. Buddy. I go $2. I'll get it. Buddy. I'll do it for $2. This guy, oh, you got to go to UTA, then to my lawyer, and then to this guy.
I'm in the presence of a superstar. Movie star. I'm a little movie star, but this guy's a superstar, Brett. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Andrew Santino. They're in the same level. George Clooney.
And that's why they're laughing, guy. Buddy. Because you know you're fucking wrong. Buddy. Yeah.
Okay. That's what I'm saying. And now you're spitting it back at me like, why did you take the role?
I was hanging out with people, man. No, I didn't see her. When I go to Phoenix to do shows, she doesn't know I'm in town. Why would you do that? Because I have to get in the car and drive all the way to the desert and come back. I don't want to do it. Phoenix is the desert. I know. I'm saying there's more desert, though. It's just in more desert. I know. I know where your mom lives.
It's 30 minutes away from where you work. I know, but deserts with less buildings. What does that have to do? When I'm in a desert, I need more buildings. It's your mom. I understand, dude. She doesn't know I'm in town. If she knew I was in town, I would go visit her.
Oh, thank you so much, guy. She's going to die?
Cry later. Big check. That's right. That's a really good one. That's an old Chinese proverb. That's a really good one.
Yeah. I have a proverb. What is it? Two white couple in suburb in Chicago, right? Sometimes they die in fire.
No, no, I just mean- I think we're doing this. Let's not do this right now. All right. All right. It feels like we're doing this, right? And I don't want anything bad to happen to you. One, two, three. I'm in the presence of a movie star. Okay. Let's get back into love because you and I have some friction sometimes. How about let's do some love?
Continue to do it. Yeah. Because it's been. Sometimes we have to pivot.
Yeah. You know what's so funny? I was going to say Jeremy pivot.
Yeah, but I'm like, no. It's a hacky joke. No, good.
Yeah. I saw Ian Fidance's penis last night. God bless. And it's what I thought it was going to look like. Can I guess?
It looks like. Okay, is it curved? It's something you get at Starbucks.
The head is like a purpley, orangey color with sprinkles on it. Yeah. And the stem looks like a stick. Well, wait a minute.
Yeah, there's bisexuality. They have to put it on there. There's bisexuality on there.
Yeah, butthole. Men and women. You know what I mean? So you have different varieties of chocolate.
No, no, we went to the spa. Oh, yeah. So we're in the spa and we're in the steam room and he looked at my penis and he goes, and he kind of almost died laughing. Why? He goes, it's so cute. And he started laughing.
No, he didn't say it was small. Oh, he just liked it. My dick is cute. Minion. Minion. You've seen it. I have? It's the best, dude. If it were to make a noise, that's the noise. What does it do when it sees a woman? Oh.
Like that. Like that. Like that. Like that, dude. And it's like, he's so happy. And I can get hard now just talking to people on the phone. No. It's a miracle. Me? Do you ever do that?
No, no, no, no, no. I know it's you, dude. I'm going to do it.
We're on the same, yeah, yeah.
But if there was like a Hollywood president of Jews, Adam would be it. Sandler's the best. Yeah, he's the best.
Remember I was with that sexy lady and we walked by. I told you that.
And Sandler was there with his mom. And he looked at my girl and goes, funny guy. And that's, you know what he's doing? Yeah. A lot. And that's something.
And I don't even have to say it because you know what I'm saying.
You've never given me an alley-oop, Carlos. Bro, he's not even in the game. I know, that's why. He's got to learn how to play the game first. Yeah, get on the team. Get on the team and then maybe you can throw me an alley-oop.
You know him? Yeah, why do you know him? Yeah, I don't know if we can... Yeah, yeah, that's what it is.
No, I was with Ian Fidance at... Fred 62's. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's still open? Yeah, they closed at 1.
It was pretty good last night. Was it?
They did, yeah. But it's a cute little, it's so many hips as well.
No, I haven't seen that open. It is? But Fred 62's is all these like, oh. Oh, dude. Hash brown. What do you mean?
You always want to go to Swingers.
Yeah, Swingers is low rent.
It's still like cool though. No, it's not. It hasn't been cool in a decade. Yeah, tattooed Mexicans. You love them.
I know, exactly. That's why you like to go there. I won't leave home without them. They're my American Express. Right, but I haven't been to fucking French 62s in like years. I'm a Norm's, Mel's kind of a guy. Mel sucks. I know, but that's what, and look at that.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.
You're what? He's a little slow. Good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, good. You got a thumbs up.
Yeah.
Have you gone to a vintage fair lately?
Whatever David Mamet do, we do. Do you want to wear your cans? I might be better without him because I'm definitely... Then none of us are going to wear cans.
They didn't have power.
No, I don't think...
How about the other one?
Yeah, for sure.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He beat you with golf clubs, so what does he know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vigorous old age. Vigorous old age.
Do I know a lot of Koreans? I don't think I know a lot of Koreans.
What the fuck have you been? You never call, you never fucking.
Yeah. Oh, real good. Yeah. Real good. Looking good. Yeah. Good. Okay. Looking good. Yeah. You didn't need to rub. I didn't. That's one of my powers. All right.
You piece of shit. You doghole human. What did I do? Fuck, fuck. What did I do? What did I do? I'm a couple hours away. I think I'm going to be late to this thing. And you texted me, you have to be there by 6.30. No. Yeah, you did. I get the text right here. You called me. And you said I had to be there. There's a surprise party. But what I'm saying is that, so I get there at 5.50.
No, I give money. So you didn't even vote. You didn't either. Yes, I did. There's no way. Where's your sticker? Where's my sticker? I don't wear the sticker. I'm not a cuck. Yeah, well, I did too then. No, I know you didn't. Yes, I did. When? Where? At Beachwood Canyon. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. When? What time? 2 p.m. 2 p.m.? Yeah. Give me your phone. Give me your phone.
I wait 40 minutes, there's no one there. I'm at Bert's house. I'm just there with his wife. It's you and your brother. And my brother and Leanne Kreischer. What a nice moment. Right, but now Bert's coming at 6.30 and now I'm the only one there saying, surprise. So I hear Bert come in the house and there's like 20 people supposed to be there, right?
He comes around the corner and my brother, Bert's never met Steve before. And I have like a little cigar case that I bought him. And we go, surprise! Right? And he laughed so hard because that was like the most unglorious surprise. What a comedy moment. Right. What a funny moment. Because you're the last person I ever thought that you would be here. And then you trickle it at 6.50.
Er sieht mehr und mehr aus wie der alte Mann von Up. Schau dir das Foto an, Alter.
I cannot believe today. You don't have the core strength. You don't have nothing. What? You have nothing either, dude. You gotta come with better than that. No, I'm not. I don't need to. I can come with whatever. You see his energy today, Rudy? It's wild.
Get him a chocolate croissant, please.
I went into a cigar store. Okay, kann ich etwas ΓΌber Eric Griffin sagen? Dieser verdammte Arschloch geht zwei Stunden weg. Ja, er lebt in... Also dann sagt er, hey, komm zu meinem Haus und mach einen Pod. Mein 300. Nicht wissend, und dann schaue ich auf die Karte. Zwei Stunden weg. Zwei Stunden weg. Ja. Ich bin weg, es ist past Magic Mountain. There's even anything up there?
You know, I have proof. I live with people that don't think. No, you don't. Yeah, I have my housekeeper. Why would you lie? She goes, where are you going? Did you vote? Yes, I did.
I thought that's where it ended. Edge of the earth. Yeah, yeah. Like I'm a flat earther. I thought that's where it ended. You know, past six flags or ain't nothing past six flags. So I got way out there and I'm like, oh my, I was so resentful. Because it's like... That's a far drive. If it was like Conan O'Brien... He would never live that far. Yeah, but he's not living out there.
You know what I mean? If it was like... Give me a name.
Yes. Absolutely. I'd drive wherever the fuck that guy was. San Francisco I'd drive. I'd walk. Eric Griffin, it's like... That's a 20-minute drive. Send a car. Yeah, that's the most I'll go. He should have sent a car. 15, 20 minutes. You know what I mean? Right.
The last year, I've been secretly working on a movie. That's great. If you, there's a part in there.
Mr. Fucking, you know what I mean? Assumptions over here. There's a smart part. Yeah.
Well, we go through beats of the movie. Okay, I like that. Yeah, yeah. I like that. His name is Mike McGrail. I love it. And then, so what's the premise of the film? Ja, es ist ein echterer Ort. Und generell sind die drei, die da sind, nicht die besten Grenzen. Es gibt nichts zu tun. Ja. Also es gibt wie Pranks zwischen den, weiΓt du, ich meine, den kanadischen Grenzen und das und das.
In der Zwischenzeit kommt eine echte Bedrohung. Gute Idee. Richtig. Und wir sind ein Bunch of bumbling kind of
But there's a scene where you're... No.
Wenn es die andere Art war, wenn ich... Okay, also ich weiΓ, dass Spade und Theo einen Film haben, richtig? Richtig. Und sie kΓΆnnten mir eine kleine Teil davon bieten. Richtig. Ich werde es machen.
You wouldn't do it if I did this thing. It's a funny, really scene-stealing kind of part, though. It's not like some throwaway thing. It's like you're going to steal the movie with it. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's super funny. There's violence in it. You make me so mad. I'm going to go to the theater and I'm going to go, man, I wish I was in this. I'm asking you for a favor, dude.
I know. For the rest of my life. After this. Alright. Yeah, I'm on bad friends right now and I think I lost. Get that money out and get it ready, buddy. I know, dude. I admit, I was wrong and I lost and I'm going to give you the 500. What? He was wrong, man! I love Amir. 500, dude. Amir, you said it was 1,000. It was $500, Amir.
I'm going to Australia tomorrow. When I get back, I'll get the 500. I love you, buddy. He's so funny, by the way. Now I feel better.
It's one week. Once a week. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm gurgling. You're gurgling. Yeah, but I need to do it because I don't know what else to do.
Ja. Das wΓ€re mein Traum-Cast. Das ist dein Traum-Cast? Ja. Oh. Sie sind nicht daran verbunden. Ich mΓΆchte... FΓΌr das mΓΆchte ich ihn, ich mΓΆchte ihn und dann... Was ist so lustig? Was ist so lustig? Lass mich dir etwas ΓΌber deinen Traum-Cast erzΓ€hlen. Mit dem Zombie-Film. Ich wusste, das kommt. Ja, ja, ja. Ich weiΓ nicht, wer diese anderen Leute sind, aber ich weiΓ, wer nicht dabei ist. Wir zwei.
Und jetzt, ich verspreche Gott, auf meine Mutter's Life. Oh, das ist richtig. Auf meine Mutter's Life. Ich werde es nie machen. Du hast mich gerade verpisscht. Du hast mich gerade verpisscht, Alter. Das ist, was du bekommst. Du ScheiΓ, Alter. Das ist, was du bekommst. Ich bin froh, dass du nicht... Ich brauche einen Break von dir, Alter. Ich bin froh, dass du nicht in Australien gehst. Oh, ScheiΓe.
Ja. Willst du ihm sagen? Was? Er geht? Er und seine Frau und das Baby kommen. Wie?
Aber ihr helft uns. Wir werden dich in diesem Land behalten, so lange es dauert. Lass mich dir etwas sagen. Wenn Trump gesagt hΓ€tte, ich will alle rausnehmen. Glaubst du, dass du und ich die Situation herausfinden kΓΆnnen?
Ich glaube, wir wΓΌrden Rogan durchlaufen mΓΌssen.
Remember when I told you I went to that party?
Ja. Mehr Details. I remember. Sharkies. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those cowboys and stuff there, you said?
Why are they listening to the podcast?
No, no, no. Are you being fucking real right now, dude? Okay. I am so livid. Oh my God. First of all. Don't get me started, dude. What's going on? You shouldn't have to apologize.
So wait, they said they called us party, clearly. So they called you and said, we can't believe it.
Yeah, but you're assuming that the ghost is attached to that. So I want to know how you know that they saw it. Because they must have said something. Somebody.
Also, Γ€hm... Ladies, okay. Jules is probably one of the best human beings I've ever met in my whole entire life. Fact. She's a daughter to me. I love her like I have my own flesh and blood. I really believe that. Yeah, me too. I feel that, okay? And there's not a bad bone in her body.
In fact, some of this podcasting, Mumbo Jumbo, we're forcing her to do it, really, to be honest with you, because she's so good. She's just perfect for the show. She's brilliant. Because she's innocent, right? There are just certain dynamics that work well with us. You know, her personality. And so we bring her on here. You know what I mean? She's game, right?
A lot of times she's just kind of going along with what we're saying. She's just having fun. She's having fun. But is she? Sometimes she's not.
But at the end of the day... WeiΓt du, wenn du das persΓΆnlich nimmst, komm schon. Gehst du weiter? Ja. Du wirst sterben. The world is a scary place. I'm just saying. No, we're not going to kill you. Yeah, we're not going to kill you. I'm just saying life is going to just come down on you and press you into the dirt. Yes.
Yeah, okay. Anyway, I tried. Don't Google how you get one. Do we have to go through the process?
Say it. A little weak. Weak. A little weak. A little weak. Tender. Soft. Tender, soft. Pliable. Pliable, yeah, yeah. Malleable. Malleable, yeah, malleable. I like that word.
Also Jules ist eine tolle Frau. Und wenn es... WeiΓt du, am Ende des Tages, ich glaube das ehrlich, es ist so dein Verlust. Das ist dein Verlust, wenn du nicht Freunde bist. Wirklich? Weil das ist eine steigende Person. Das ist ein toller Mensch. Ja, er wΓ€chst. Du weiΓt, wer sie ist, Alter. WeiΓt du, wer sie ist? Haben wir schon Logan gesehen? Logan Paul? Nein, nicht Logan Paul. Der Film Logan.
Ja. Erinnerst du dich an die kleine MΓ€dchen? Oh, ja. Mit den zwei Klauen? Ja. Sie ist aus Spanien.
Das hier ist Rudi. Das ist Rudi. Weil sie Knife liebt, richtig? Und so, hey, Party-Girls, wΓΌrdest du das nicht verletzen? Ich wΓΌrde das nicht verletzen. Ich wΓΌrde das nicht verletzen. Ich wΓΌrde das nicht verletzen. Richtig. Siehst du das KΓΆrper da?
Und sie hat ihn zerstΓΆrt. Richtig? Also, wenn du sie nicht zurΓΌckrufst, You're gonna have war with us. That's right, you don't want that. You don't want that. That's bad. You call her back, you invite her back to Moose McGillicuddies or wherever you guys go.
Yeah, yeah, or whatever, right? Or Sharky's Pizza or Woodfire Mexican Food, whatever it is. Yeah, Pitfire. Pitfire, right, right? And you go out and hang out with these fucking... Have fun. Have fun. And just know that you're party girls. Know that you are party girls. You know what? I'm gonna double down on it. You are party girls.
We did a full fucking tweet. We came right back to where we started. We don't care. You know what? I'm good. No, you know what? I'm gonna go this way. Stop. Stop. Good. Don't ever talk to them again. I'm not. Don't ever talk to them again. I just thought about it. It's fucking uncalled for. You deserve cool friends that don't care about two idiots saying something dumb.
It's just awkward going to school because I see them.
But I see people that I don't see. You're still listening to this, right? This is true. This is true, dude. He did it yesterday. Yeah, I do it all the time. If there's somebody at a party I don't like. Yeah, you don't see them. I see them, but I don't. I didn't know you were there. Yeah, I see right through them. I didn't even see you at the party. See right through them. Yeah. Okay.
They're nothing. That's great. Yeah. You're in a movie, okay? You know, I'll tell you something right now. There's a movie called Commando. Love. Erinnerst du dich an Commando? Ja. Wer ist in Commando? Carlos? Macon weiΓ es nicht. Macon, kennst du ihn?
Wer ist in Commando? Arnold. Arnold. Arnold Durell ist in Commando, richtig? Es gibt eine Szene in Commando, die ich in ein paar Millionen anderen Filmen benutzen kΓΆnnte.
Ich weiΓ nicht, warum ich Commando benutze. Es kam mir einfach vor. Ja. Ich erinnere mich nur daran, Commando als Kind zu sehen. Und es gab ein paar Leute, die im Hintergrund explodierten. Liebe. Richtig? Und ich dachte immer zu mir selbst, oh, dieser Schauspieler hat nicht viel zu tun. Ja, ja. So that was Commando. It's Mr. Steel, your girl.
But if you see that, right, there's a million people that die in back of him. They explode, they get shot up and whatever, right? A lot of times it's like that. Be Commando. Be Commando. Right. Shoot him up. Shoot him up, dude. Well, don't literally, but metaphorically shoot him up. Be that guy. Okay. And with the little Logan girl. Like a combo deal.
Commando Logan. Dude, you're Commando Logan, dude. You're Commando Logan. In fact, when you turn Saturday, that's your new name. Commando Logan. Yeah. Yeah.
What is it? That's ours. Thank you. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. It's British. Yeah, it's British. I know, you're right. That's alright. Yeah. So, I have a crush. You have a little new crush? It's gay. And that's okay.
Es ist nicht gay. Wie ist, wie ist es nicht? Weil ich, ich habe mit ihnen gesprochen. Ich bin mit ihnen gebowlt. Richtig, also bist du gay. Nein, er hat mir gezeigt, wie man bowlen kann. I've heard that before. What? A guy? No, honestly, he really did. He's like, dude, the underhand, because you know how I bowl and I go underhand? Yeah, you flip it.
He goes, he grabbed my hand like this, and he goes, grip it like this, right? Keep your eye on the... That's a date. No, it's not a date, dude. He showed you how to bowl? Yeah, and he goes, and then he goes, just, it's not about strength, I want more accuracy. This sounds so gay. And I just looked at his face and he smiled. That guy right there.
Bobby. War das nicht ein guter Gest? Genau. Und du hast mich so gehalten, wie du es frΓΌher gemacht hast.
So I learned and then I had the best score I've ever gotten.
It was me, Charles Milton and Ali Wong on one team. And then Gene, Sonny, you know what I mean, from Beef and some other people on the other team. And Charles Milton taught me how to fucking bowl. And you got a little crush. I'm not gay. You said crush to start the whole thing. But can I be honest with you? Mm-hmm. Ask me if you think I'm handsome. You couldn't even get it out.
Ich habe gesagt, oh, hier ist, you know, he doesn't, you know, Mr. Whatever you already said. What did he say? I don't remember, but I agree. I'm so emotional, I can't even speak. Get it out. All right. So enough of that kind of behavior. All right.
It's not a butterfly. Here's what I got excited about. Can I tell you how I got excited? It sounds like butterflies, doesn't it? You don't know what butterflies are then. Du auch. Ja, ich glaube, ich weiΓ.
Yeah, a ton of crush. It's a man crush. So I was at the bowling alley and he comes, he has a motorcycle, right? So he has a helmet, right?
He has like one of those Wolverine leather jackets, right? And he looks greasy. Yeah. And he just came out, took the helmet off and I looked and I couldn't recognize him already, right? But I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I said, don't, don't make the first move. Don't, don't, don't. Ich wollte nur cool sein, weiΓt du was ich meine? Du klingelst wie ein MΓ€dchen auf einem Dating.
Nein, nein, nein. Ich sah ihn. Ich war direkt neben dem Rack des Balls. Also habe ich meine Finger in die Hose gesteckt, um zu sehen, was das ist. Glaubst du, das ist eine Sache? Nein, aber ich versuche, die richtige Hose zu finden.
Und dann kommt er direkt zu mir und sagt, ich bin ein groΓer Fan von dir. Und ich sage, willst du einen Kuchen? Er sagt, essen wir zuerst. Also haben wir zuerst gegessen. Also hattest du ein Date? Du hattest ein Abenddaten. Nein, weil Gene war da auch. Der, mit dem wir vorhin gesprochen haben. Gene war mit dir zu essen? Ja, ich, Gene und Charles. Und wir haben gegessen.
Did you want it to be? No. You see, this is the kind of bullshit I'm talking about.
When he said goodbye. Take the fucking photo off.
No, no, this is so stupid, what you're doing right now. Dude, I'm not gay. It's ridiculous. It's okay. That doesn't work, whatever you're doing. It doesn't matter. No one cares. Anyway, you don't have man crushes? Let me say something right now. I saw you at the party last night, dude. I think you do.
I'm gonna say my problem now. I wanted to hear my problem. Say it, baby. It's so funny, because that bowling party and Bert's party, there was one common thread. And guess what the common thread is? There was something there at both parties. And I think you know what it is. Oh yeah. What is it? People that don't deserve to be there. No, no, no.
I'm kidding. Something you consume. Weed. No. Alcohol. It's a food. Oh, cake. Whose cake? Tom Cruise. Yes.
So, there's a cake. Coconut. It's a coconut cake that Tom Cruise in all the parties, he gives it as gifts, apparently, and when he goes to events, like weddings and whatnot, he brings this cake, and apparently it's legendary. Tom Cruise Cake. It's called Tom Cruise Coconut Cake, okay?
So, when I went to that beef party, where I saw Charles, there were six Tom Cruise Cakes, and they made an announcement. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Tom Cruise Cake. They bring that out, right? And I ate it, I'm like... Ja, das ist gut. Aber dann bringt es Bert raus. Hey, Leute, ihr kΓΆnnt es nicht glauben. Als ob es von Tom Cruise's Arschloch war. Ja.
Ich meine, das ist der fucking, du weiΓt was ich meine, der Ofen. Er puft weiΓ. Ja, ja, ja. Du weiΓt das, oder? Es war fast so, und sie sind so, wir haben es. Es ist schwer zu finden. Richtig. Also habe ich in der Linie gewartet, wie jeder. Ja, du hast es gemacht. Ich war begeistert. Du warst sehr begeistert. Ja, ja. Gott, ich werde den Tom Cruise-Kick wieder, weiΓt du was ich meine?
Das war so gut. Das war so gut. Aber das Tom Cruise Cake ist gut. Aber wenn du es isst, bist du so, wenn ich nicht wusste, dass das Tom Cruises Cake war, wΓΌrde ich sagen, oh, das beste Coconut Cake, das ich je hatte. Nein. Ich glaube nicht.
Ja. Was, wenn sie alle haben? Da ist ein Matt Damon Danish. Ooh, a Damon Danish? Right, like a Damon Danish. Or do you think everyone has one thing? Yeah, I would. I would love to have a Bobby Lee, uh, um, flan. Ooh. Like at a party, people are like, we got it, Bobby Lee flan. Es wΓ€re wahrscheinlich etwas anderes. Was meinst du? Flan ist typisch Mexikaner.
Ja, aber das ist das, was es interessiert. Ein koreanischer Junge, weiΓt du was ich meine? Also, der Tom Cruise-Kuchen ist nicht etwas, das er gemacht hat. Er hat es gefunden. Der Baker. Und er war so, oh, das ist mein Ding. Du denkst, das ist gut. Warte, bis du probierst. Bobby Lee's Flan. Sie haben einen Karottenkuchen da. Das ist mein.
Mocone, do you like this one? I think it's sick. I think it's sick, too. And Mocone would know more. Yeah, dude. Mocone would know more. Yeah, come over here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look at what this fucking loser's wearing. Okay. Look. Yeah. He's wearing an Adolf Hitler shirt. Yeah, yeah.
Letzte Nacht, als ich es gegessen habe, war es besser als der Kokosnusskuchen.
Das ist... Ich wΓΌrde sagen, es ist Bobby Lee's Carrot Cake. Ich bin orange. Oh, fuck. Das wΓ€re klar mein Cake. Oh, ja? Vielleicht haben sie einen 11-Pound-Cake. Das kΓΆnnte Bobby Lee sein.
Ich habe noch nie einen 11-Pound-Cake gesagt.
That's actually really good. We got Rudy Jules' brownie and they're like, Rudy who? No, they won't do that. I love you. Yeah, you gotta take a bite. Take that, that was mean. Take a bite of the Rudy Jules. That could be you right there.
Now, would you eat the cake if it was something that you didn't like? If it was good. Yeah, I mean like, this is JD Vance, you know, Croissant. If it was bomb.
Oh, he is? Come on, sit down, Dax. How are you? Hallo, Dax. Dax, hallo. Hi. Hi. Hello. Dax, how did you feel last Tuesday?
You did such a great job. You did a great job. Did you feel like you did well?
Anyway, we're filming this podcast election night. We film this on election night. Right now, when you're listening to this, this is election night.
Before you play that, did you vote? Yes. Okay. What's your prediction?
A tanned... Yeah, you voted? Alright, great. Get out of here. Get out of here, kid. Fast as you can. Yeah.
When this comes out, it already happened. Okay. We're in the future now, right? Trump won. Oh, okay.
We do. It is home to us. Did you get some Vags that night? No. Was that a yes?
Yeah, I'm just saying that he was like a little like you.
Yeah. I'll tell you another thing. If you ever pull your pants down in front of me and Jules and you do a ramen fart, I swear to God, dude, you have another thing coming.
Ich meine, hier ist die Sache. Ich denke, vielleicht wΓ€re es groΓartig, wenn du ihr gesagt hΓ€ttest, was du sagen wΓΌrdest. Und dann kΓΆnnte sie es sagen.
Why don't you pretend like you're rude? You're her. And then maybe she can just get something from the way you just rehearse it or something. Why don't you look in the camera? Look in this camera and go, dear friends or whatever.
Or I could teach you a new language. Or I could teach you a new language that you want to know that I know.
How about that? You know what? It's so funny. What am I gonna do about it? What are you gonna do about it? I'm gonna do something that's not non-violent. Okay. Okay, so is that what you're pertaining to?
Zu viel? Ja. Kann ich mich ausdrΓΌcken? Ja. Und dann... Hast du? Ja.
I'd like you to meet my dad. This is what I would do on a hike.
No. Alright. So anyway. You see a couple girls. No, what I would do is I'd hide you off the trail.
I'm not done, dude. I know. I go up to a girl and go, oh my god, my baby just got attacked by a fucking mountain lion. Carlos, right? Smart. And they're like, well, yeah, the mountain lion is gone, but can you help? Where's the baby? Come over here. They follow me, right? And then you're on the ground, right?
Yeah, you are my son, you're my baby.
So do it like, yeah. Are you okay, baby?
Yeah, but then once you say that, I'm gone. Now it's just you and the kid. Now it's you and me. What happened to you, baby boy?
Okay? And I'll corkscrew your fucking mind into a different dimension. You are mind-boggling. Alright. There's a lot of... I have people that I call, dude. Whom?
Choo-choo-tree. Choo-choo. Choo-choo. Choo-choo.
Yeah, maybe like, um... Maybe not talk so much. I always say yes. Anytime a girl goes, can I give you fellatio?
What would they say then? Can I suck your cock? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I give you head? Yeah, but just don't deny it. Just go yes immediately. You know what I mean?
And if somebody asks you, does it feel good, what do you say? Yes. No, maybe not. Thumbs up maybe. How about this? Say, oh yeah. Oh yeah, say that.
Honestly, dude. We gotta try it again. Be real, dude.
Pack den Kopf. Oh, ja. Ich bin interessiert zu sehen, ich meine. Ich liebe dich, Dax. Ja, ja. Ist Dax, macht Dax einen GerΓ€usch, denkst du? Was? FuckgerΓ€usche? Nein, wie ein KammgerΓ€usch. Dann frag ihn. Machst du KammgerΓ€usche? I don't know. You don't know? Yeah. Bob does. Tell him. Your noise.
I'm being intimate right now. I'm being real. You're laughing at my soul. You're cackling at me. So just look at me. So you're doing it again, dude.
Is that what you're saying? Yes. I'm German. Yes, you're German.
No, that's what all the cool guys do. All the cool guys do it.
You think we're cool? We do it. We tux. We tux it up.
Ja, ja. Das ist das, was wir meinen. Okay. Ja, es ist wie ein Windel-Less-Van. Ein Windel-Less-Van.
Yeah. Oh, the black one. What do you like? Long black limo or long white limo? Or we can do like a penguin thing where it's like purple. We'll be great if we dress you like the penguin. Like the cartoon version with the top hat, black tuxedo. You mean Cobblepot. Cobblepot, purple, right? We could be minions. Love to. I'd love to do a minion thing.
Yeah. Will we open the door for you and your date? You know what I mean? I could be Harley Quinn, I don't know. Yeah, who do you think? Poison Ivy? Poison Ivy, yeah. You, I think... I'll be Catwoman. Sandman. Sandman, yeah. Sandman, that's not even the thing. Doesn't matter. No, I need to know. I'll be the Riddler.
You know what? I could stop for a second. I'm so sorry. I love your jokes, right? But I think a better exercise is to just come up with something improvised. Okay. Can I hear the premise?
Perfect. Or something arbitrary. I think it's something arbitrary and weird. Because he's a weird guy, right? So it's like, enjoy your meal, they say. And you go, Aliyub, GoPro. Aliyub, GoPro, all the way. All the way. Aliyub, GoPro, all the way. So try that.
Do it again with the beep-beep. Again, thank you. Try to do the best English accent you can.
Yeah, it doesn't sound right. It doesn't sound right because I think you're rushing the punchline.
Dieser Typ kauft eine Silke-Klubbe fΓΌr jeden seiner fucking Golf-Klubs. Das ist nicht wahr. 89,95 Euro fΓΌr jeden Silke-Klub. Er hat 15 Golf-Klubs. Nicht wahr. Weil sie mΓΌssen spotless sein. Und es muss das fucking... Geh in die Golf-Klubs jetzt und sieh, wie sie alle... Das sind deine secondary Klubs. Das sind deine secondary Klubs, die du im BΓΌro behΓ€ltst. Du hast eine zu Hause.
Oh no! You know man, they should go back to wherever they came from. That's way too much money. Where should they go back to? I thought you wanted to improv. Now you're doing it.
Well, what do you... I'm not gonna... Go back to where they came from? I don't know what bit you want me to do, dude. Oh, funny one. Say it again then.
Where? Let me guess. Let me guess. Because I've had a problem with these people too. Where? Does it start with a J?
Ja. Das ist das, was ich sage. Ja, du bist nicht schrecklich. Ich habe Angst vor Frieden. Hm. WeiΓt du, was ich meine? Nein. Ja, ja. Firm, aber lecker. Immer lecker. Ja, es ist ein Kombi. Sieh, ich mache Kombi-Expressionen. Was die Leute nicht verstehen ΓΌber mich. Ja, du bist wie ein Kombi. Ja, ja. FΓΌllt mit ScheiΓe. Ja, ja. Rage, aber Empathie. Ein bisschen Empathie unterhalb, richtig?
Freude, aber mit ein bisschen Resentiment. Es ist eine Kombination, die ich da rausgegeben habe, weil ich menschlich bin. Und ich bin ein komplexes Mensch, dynamisch in vielen Wegen. Also, ich bin sorry, dass du so viel auf das Essen verwendest. Danke. Ich werde dir nichts mehr erzΓ€hlen. Du bist wie ein kleines Baby. Du leitest das Show. Oh, come on, dude. Can I just say something?
Nein, ich zeige dir, warum wir nicht waren.
No, leave the show tonight. I'll tell you something. I'm gonna let you lead the show. You ready? So this fucking guy, Amir K., is in the green room at the comedy. I'll tell you where I'm at right now.
What happened with the Osempic? I'm on the Osempic. Oh, dude. Dude. Don't. I'm trying to have a show tonight. I know, dude. What are you doing, dude? I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna... You wanna get... Give him the cookie. What's this? No, stop, stop, stop. Give me the other one. No, what's this? You want half of this, Rudy? Yeah. Okay. Very good. I don't want this. Yeah, yeah. Come here, dude.
Danke so viel. Ich war in Joshua Tree. Ja, einfach wie in einem WΓ€lder, wie ein WΓ€lder, WΓ€lder, WΓ€lder, WΓ€lder, WΓ€lder, WΓ€lder, WΓ€lder. I can't even say desert rabbit, dude. I can't even say desert rabbit right now, dude. Say it again. Give me the line again. I was in the desert rabbit. Oh, you were in the desert rabbit. I remember, do you remember? You were there. Let's be real.
I'll start anew. I'll start anew. Okay. So, a week ago, I'm in the green room at the Comedy Store. I'm just sitting there with, I want to say his name. Should I say it? Warum kannst du das nicht sagen? Er ist mein guter Freund.
Er hat angefangen, ein bisschen Politik zu spΓΌren. Wenn es um Fisch geht, werde ich zu ihm hΓΆren. Was ist so lustig? Er liebt Fisch.
I mean, for sure he can't come to Australia. You're not coming. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Unpack your shit when you get home.
Okay, also dieses Bad Friends, nur um dir ein bisschen Bildung zu geben, ist ein TV-Show. Wir machen TV-Show-Nummern. Das ist richtig. Okay. Also, wenn ein PA, sagen wir mal, ein Showrunner...
Let's say there's a showrunner and a PA or somebody on set that does props, right? Talks back in a negative way to the showrunner. The showrunner doesn't even know that dude's name. He gets fired on the spot. He's like, who's that? Who's that guy? What we did was we went, oh, let's memorize the prop guy's name. Right, we let him in. Let's exchange number with the fucking lighting guy. Right?
And all of a sudden the lighting guy's like, oh, I'm Equal to the showrunner. He's actually an assistant's assistant. Assistant's assistant's assistant. He's assistant's assistant's assistant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
Right, and he thinks you're a peer and you're not. Right? And what you're gonna realize, my little friend, okay, is that when you're out in the world without us, You're gonna drown. You're gonna drown, pal. Right? You're gonna drown and you're gonna drown forever.
But you're doing the thing too. Like, oh, yeah, you try to make me drown. That's what that laugh was.
I remember Julio was on the couch with his arm on the couch watching me. Yeah, I remember.
Und er hat eine Person, die er sieht, die aus einem anderen SΓΌdwesten ist, die bestimmte Glauben hat. Aber ich habe nicht mit ihnen gegessen. Das ist in Ordnung. In Ordnung. Aber er hat angefangen, aufzuhΓΆren. Oh, sicher. Es wurde wirklich politisch. Es wird Trump sein. Und ich bin nicht in der Mitte. Ich war so. Can I ask you something? What's going on with this show?
Andrew, can I ask you something? Please. Is it me? No. What I'm seeing and I'm sensing, is it me? No. So I'm not going insane?
Oh mein Gott, ich bin hier mit so viel Namaste-Energie. Ich bin hier wie Steven Seagal.
Und was du machst, Alter, ist, dass du mich gaslightest. Du machst mich nervΓΆs, Bobby. Warte, warum? Du auch jetzt? Ja. Wie? Deine Energie. Wow. Was ist los? Wow.
Slovakian. Slovakian. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Just the eyebrows. And then what about Cookie Monster?
Yeah. Armenian for sure. He drives a white Mercedes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about Grover down in the left-hand corner?
What is... Well, no, what's his race? Race, I mean, yeah. What is Grover's race, we think? I would imagine... Spanish. Fancy.
Go back to the original picture. Yeah. This is the most interesting one that I want your advice on because I know you're intelligent and the way that you operate is so astute. You can always call it out. I want to see the picture of the crew.
Of all the crew, the original Muppet gang.
Who is? Well, he's not even in this. I was going to say, Big Bird. What is Big Bird? Big Bird? What is Big Bird? Big Bird's a bird. No, dude. What race is Big Bird? I think he might be black. Or is it a guy, Big Bird? Yeah, yeah. Who knows, right? They kind of keep it... Okay, oh, what about... Grover. We did Grover.
Oh, oh, the dog is... What is his name, dude? Yeah, right there. Ralph.
No, you go ahead, man. I don't know.
Oh, look at this. This is great news. Sesame Street welcomes TJ, the first Filipino-American Muppet. Finally. Finally, dude. Dude, finally. Finally, dude. Yeah. What do the comments say? Anything rude?
Elmo Chinese? Am I Chinese? Who me? I'm Chinese. I'm Chinese. Yeah, look, I can tell you what everybody is just based on it. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Ernie is 100% he's Puerto Rican. Ernie is obviously Puerto Rican. Oh, yeah, Ernie. He's Puerto Rican.
That poor guy. He thinks I have an accent. Well, he does. He thinks I do. That's how I always talk to him. Where is he from? China. Oh, he's off the boat. Yeah, he's off the boat, yeah. Was he on the show? He thinks I'm from off the boat too.
He comes over, yeah. Yeah, he comes over. I'm in the presence of a movie star. I'm in the presence of a superstar. Why do you keep singing this? Because I did two lines in Theo Vaughn's movie. I'm in the presence of a movie star. Yeah? Dude. Dude. Who'd you work for? Morgan Freeman this week. Morgan Freeman. Right? He does. I do one Theo Vaughn. I'm movie star.
What Morgan Freeman are you talking about? The fucking eyes, the blood, the magic movie you did in fucking Hungary.
You know what I look like there? Sicario. Sicario. A hit man. You do. Yeah.
Let's stop for a second. Push pause. Let me get the information right.
A man. Yeah. Did I get it right? You got that part.
I'm in presence of a president. Yes, you are.
That's all I know. A man. No. So a man hired a hitman to kill his wife. Apparently a group, right?
No. And let me ask you something before we get into this. And they framed it as a robbery. How much money would you spend? What? To kill your wife. How much money would I spend? Yeah. I wonder how much. Well, I don't want.
You throw out things that don't make no sense, so I throw out things that don't make no sense to you.
Movie star. I'm a little movie star, but this guy's a superstar, Brat. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Andrew Santino. They're in the same level. George Clooney.
I will take one little bite of a stash. Do you guys want some of this? Oh my god. Is it soft?
You know what my biggest problem is?
No, sometimes he does this Let me tell you something I don't like that it's got cream in it.
So wait a minute, there's a big fat dude on the floor? Right. Oh, you are coming. Well, thanks for showing up.
Dude, I had a guy had a stroke in Nashville in the balcony at Zany's.
I was like, am I going to do this show now?
Well, there was like a big commotion. And then I was like, what's going on? And then they were like, it's a medical emergency. And I was like, I know. My thought was dead. Somebody died.
You know, because that happened. That's happened at almost every show I've done.
No. Yeah. Carlos. Carlos, what the? That's not funny. Carlos, man.
I couldn't do it. So close. I'm so tired. No, you got it.
You know what the fans love when we eat on the show?
Let me tell you something. You texted me today and you said, are you mad at me? Never.
You love dissecting rats.
Well, as soon as, here's what really happened. Tell me the science behind it. As soon as she left this show and you and Kalilah broke up and she started to get away from our show.
That's when she was like, I don't need to talk to Tito Angelo ever again.
And that's okay. Did I show you nothing but love for four years?
Rudy Giuliani is back in the studio. He's back in the studio. Are you happy to be back?
Who of the people here are you happiest to see? Let's go in order. Happiest to least happy to see. Go ahead.
Thank you.
Yes.
Awesome.
Love that. And Bobby's separate. You're separate. It doesn't count because she sees you all the time. She sees you all the time.
My heart goes out.
They piss on your heart.
You piss, you squat on his chest.
Right, very bright. That is a bright star.
Rudy. Yeah.
Do you miss me? I miss you, but you're going over to Tiger Bell. You're doing that all the time and you're really breaking my heart a little bit.
We gave you your start. Nothing. She dropped us, dude. Well, you know what we are? We are the guy that she dated before she got famous. Exactly. And she drops us. No, she got famous. You know, the first guy that you date.
And you know what? I've never been mad at you.
I disagree with the first part.
We're the medium guy.
God bless, which ones?
How are you dissecting earthworms? Those are so small. You're using the tiniest little knife?
I know. You did your time. But his Asian wife, 65, right? And dog died. And two dogs survived. Who were the survivors? Let me see the survivor dogs. Yeah, survivor dogs, man. Yeah, yeah. There they are. There's some of the dogs. Those are German Shepherds. German Shepherds.
They were very good in the Holocaust. They were good, dude. And their work is not credited. Right? It was not credited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also the dogs in the Deep South, they don't really get credited for chasing things down. Yeah, they were quick. They really chased things down quickly.
Exactly. Skinny ankles. How do you think they got that? Through evolution. My point is this.
It was the same day because Gene had been dead a day when they found him.
Now, when I say the name, when I say the name, I love this person.
Yeah, and I don't want it to happen to this person. Right. Right? It's not a wish. What? It's not a wish. It's not a wish, no. It's not a wish? It's a prediction. If it's not a wish, I need to change my answer then.
You guys, I would not be standing here right now or sitting here without it. My body does not move without energy shots. You know what I mean? Because I'm a sloth. Right. And I don't move to the rhythms of the universe.
Oh, you had a wish? Well, I had a- I know who's yours are going to be. Yeah, I had a couple of wishes. Yeah, yeah. I don't want it to happen to this person. How famous is yours? Pretty famous. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Mine had some Netflix specials. Ah. Yeah. I hope we're on the same page here. I think we're on the exact same page. Yeah.
I love these shots, man. Sometimes I'm super tired and I've got to perform in front of thousands and thousands and thousands of people. I get a shot of energy.
Hello. Hello. Hello, mate. My. Binge on toast. We're coming to London, England, and Dublin, Ireland. Right. London, England, Dublin, Ireland.
It was $9. Yeah. So, Benny, the reason why, because a girl told me I was fat, and she was not attracted to me when we were making out, and I had to lose the weight.
Okay. And you're a musician, so I'm just trying to be cool, dude.
I know what Benny's saying. What are you saying, like a lav mic or something? Or like maybe a mic here? Yeah, maybe just something simple. Benny, what's it like having a super famous fiance? Very good question. Can you go to, wait, wait, wait, can you go to a mall? Can you go to the Beverly Center with her? No. You never, try. No, like. Let's try. Well, you don't go to the bathroom.
All I want to... Like, I want to...
But some of my family. No, some of my family.
I do. I have powers too, dude. Okay. Okay. I don't have Selena Gomez power, but I buy my own power, dude.
You two are disgusting. Oh, you two are something. We're bad friends.
No, dude. Put it on. A part of him. No, I think it looks exactly.
Wow, dude. I like it. I'm going to wear it too now.
No, Wugovic. No, but I was on Ozempic too.
Yeah, like, what are they doing?
And that felt... Andrew Santino's bigger than Austin Butler. That's right. I'll say it.
That's an international... No, you do the Academy Awards.
Or Pep Boys, if they had an award. Yeah. They stopped doing it. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, something like that. I hosted the Asian Excellence Awards twice.
It's so funny to me, dude. Where do they have that?
Where does the Asian excellence awards happen? Hey, man. Fuck you, man. Mr. Chow's.
No, no, stop. It's Cannes. It was at the Wiltern. Is that good enough? Well, that's good. Okay, can I also say something else, dude? Yes. You think it was just a bunch of Asians? Yeah. Yes. No. No? Tarantino did a thing? That's cool. He's Asian. Yeah, Danny DeVito did a thing? They're all Asian. These guys are all Asian. He's small like an Asian, right? Yeah, yeah. Ralph Macchio was there?
Yeah, he's got to be. Yeah, of course.
Will you Google a photo of me at the Asian Excellence Awards, please? Please Google a photo of him.
Anyway, it's hard to do. Awards just seem tough. Also, it wasn't televised and no one really was there.
What are you supposed to be saying? What are you trying to say? Were you reading cue cards? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's wild.
I would have done a Netflix if they asked.
No, a special. Yeah, this wasn't a special. I'm just saying. This was not a special.
He beat it. He beat it. I knew when he had it. I texted him. I was so concerned. Once you have it, you got it. He got rid of it. Who? Eddie Pepitone. Really? Yeah. Like two weeks ago, I saw him at a party and he goes, I was meaning to tell you, but I couldn't tell you, but I got it out. I go, what? He goes, I had colon cancer. Wow.
I don't know if I should even say that out loud because it's kind of private.
He never said anything. So then it's fine. Are you sure?
He won. He won. Oh, he won, yeah. And we all love Eddie. We love him. He's the best.
Yeah, I love him so much, yeah. But, you know, it's so sad. I mean, you know, we should be more mindful and more grateful that we're around each other and alive. Yes.
Can we do a moment of silence for the Korean aircraft?
Yeah. He got sneakers. Good ones. Nice ones. Golden Goose?
They actually blamed the wall. The wall, yeah. The wall caused it.
No, it was the wall. If that wall wasn't there, it wouldn't explode it.
This was lunch. You're not going to eat me. Yeah. Shibu Inu crashes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this dog had nine family members on that flight that died. And now he's just sitting there at the airport going, where is everybody? It's terrible. Bobby.
You know? And then what is it? You're allowed to eat him now, maybe. I don't know. Yeah, you can. Well, it is actually. It's so super sad.
I'm sure there's a turtle there.
Of course. You know what I mean? Of course. Maybe someone that had a frog. Oh, my God. This is very... That's an Asian frog.
Mostly for Pudding. I'm going to speak in Korean if I may. Please. I would love that. I'm going to speak in Korean. Okay? School. God. Chili. Brother. Aborigine.
Literally 108. Bro, her work ethic, dude. It's stupid. Yeah. She's got Asian work ethic. She has tiger mom work ethic. She really does. I'm going to take these. And she would do like three or four sets a night.
That's the most racist thing. No, Bobby, it's not because I don't know. I've never heard in my fucking life. Bobby, I don't know. What are you talking about, bro? I don't know how they mourn.
I'm like, how do you do it? They would do a funny dance or something? What are you talking about?
No, leave it. That was so dumb. Leave that in. Yeah, yeah, I'm not putting that in.
Bobby, I'm not. We have tear ducts. I'm not saying. And we have emotions like you white fucks.
A little bit. Yeah, yeah. They're not as big as you. Asians are, your tear ducts are smaller.
Yeah. But I'll tell you what the saddest thing is. Yeah. And my therapist says I have to stop doing this. Yeah. Which is... Because she goes, I obsessed over the mourning of people. Sure. Right? So it's like I've been watching all night long. So what they did was all the family members were at the airport just staying there in tents. So awful. Now, can I ask a question? Oh, my God.
You're right. Sorry. Right, but they also, you know, we care about the remains. So do we. Yeah, we all do. I don't know. I don't think so. We ship the bodies. I think Koreans care about their remains more than white people. So you're camping at the airport. Where in the airport are they camping? The government set up these tenting cities.
Move on. I never even thought about that, and I guess you're right. I'm backing you up. Look how terrible this looks. This looks like L.A. That's it. But here's what's sad about it. How does this help? It doesn't help. But they want to be there to see if they can find like a toe or something.
Well, what I do is sicker. I'm going to tell you what I do. Okay. Right? So when the... I don't know why I'm laughing. But when the guy, you know what I mean? He's the CEO or someone that works for the airline. He's like naming names to people that deceased. Oh, right. Right? You can hear people yelp in the background. Yeah. So he'll be like, you know what I mean? Yes.
And I'll just keep watching it over and over again.
Immediately. I would not go to a tent. And I'll tell you why they don't have to do that. Because Koreans are already, it's inherent in their company. They already know they're going to get paid out. Okay. Well, that, by the way, that's good. I just made that up, but I'm assuming.
I'm so nervous. I'm leaving in two days. You're leaving in two days.
I've seen her in every room doing it. Unbelievable. I want to apologize about the machete trails thing earlier. No, of course. No, it's already out there. But everyone knew what you meant. I didn't know. I didn't mean anything, but I was, I had two hours of sleep. Yes. And when I, in retrospect, I go, no, everyone, everyone would know. All Asians would know about your glasses.
Well, when it's going down, do you know how you're going to be? I'm going to be thinking about you. No, but what do you do? Do you scream?
Let's move on. Let's move on from this. Let's talk about Gladiator 2 or something.
I liked it. I thought it was good. I thought it was good. I thought it was very good, and I enjoyed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I enjoyed it. And here's another. Can I just recommend another one? Sure. On the topic, right? Yeah. Onora. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. The Order. Ooh. Did you see it? No, what is that? The Order is about these white supremacists in the 70s.
Remember that radio DJ, Jewish guy, that got assassinated outside the studio? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that guy. You know who plays him in the movie?
Marc Maron. Really? And he kills it. It's a great movie. And The Order is about white supremacists. It's about that killing and also the heist that they had and then how they got stopped. You know what I mean? But it's a... It's a really good movie.
It's not a coup. People call it a coup. It's not a coup. You need the military for the coup.
A shaman hat. With a prop and costumes. Right, right, right. You can't. No, no, no.
Oh, wow. Also, Tim, if you were breaking a window and I didn't know what was going on, I would help you break it. I don't know what's going on. Of course.
And if you said, like, come into this office, right? And I'm in Nancy Pelosi's office. Right. I don't know what's going on. I just followed Tim in there. Would you go in?
Do you think he's going to pardon the January 6th people that are in prison?
Day one. Day one. You think day one? Day one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. I heard it's not hard to do either to pardon.
He signs a page. Yeah, yeah. We do posters all the time. Yeah, we sign posters on the road.
No gambling at all? That's right.
I have. I'm just not good at it.
Liberals don't do crazy like that.
Some of them do. You think they do?
People lose their mind. Yeah, yeah. People go wild. They do crazy shit. Then don't go, don't go, don't go.
Wear a shirt that says this is for Jimmy. You know when the president gives awards out and puts a little thing around their neck? The Medal of Honor? Yes. How can I get one? Oh, buddy.
What would I need to do to get one?
The Medal of Freedom? Yeah, she got a medal of something.
Such an unflattering photo. Yeah. So you don't think I'll ever get one? No chance. You know what I don't like about you, Andrew? Give it to me. And I think, Tim, you're in the same category. Yeah. I really get no support. But here's the thing. No, here's the thing. Hold on. Hold on.
That's why I had Kennedy on my podcast. Right. Right. Well, that's good. Do you remember we bailed? Yes. So me and Bobby.
So you and I had a benefit show. Yes, we did. You remember? And then I called you. Yes. And you go, are you going?
No, we knew it. Yeah, you knew it, right? We knew it. You were going to go, right? And the lineup was tough. Your excuse was COVID, right? COVID. Right. But then I. Got COVID. No. No. I told them I had COVID before you told them because I stole your fucking excuse. Smart. And I sent them, I think, your. Yeah, I told you. I shared it with you. I shared it with you.
So the text that you sent me, that was my results too.
It was weird. Me, you, Rob Schneider.
So... But I would have done it if you did it because you weren't doing it. I was like, I don't think I should do it then either.
You think this is his way to get back into movies? Something. Yeah, something. He's got to come back. He doesn't want to not be famous. Yeah, but my thing is that there's nothing else he can do to make money, and this is why he's doing it.
Do you remember my dice story? No, what? I was working the back door in the light 90s, okay? The light 90s? The late 90s, man. What's so funny, guy?
I agree with you. I believe zero of that. That's the thing. If you're a Rockefeller, sometimes you get cut off. That's what I'm saying. What if he's cut off?
Because I knew Zsa Zsa Gabor's daughter, and she got cut off.
That guy, oh, my God. Look at him. By the way, if you think that guy didn't ask to eat a liver. Right, right, right.
So you think it's over for him in terms of movies?
The light 90s. So I'm working the back door. I don't know Dice at all. He comes up to me and he goes, hey, Ching. That's what he used to call me. Really? But not in a racist way. No, no, not at all. It was Chi Ching. Chi Ching. Oh, yeah. He's like, it's not racist. It's Chi Ching. Money guy. Money guy. Gotcha. He goes, hey, Ching. I go, Bobby, Ching. And then he goes, we're going.
But you know how Kevin Spacey cries about he's lost everything in his house? Like, do you believe that?
You would think that Kevin Spacey would have made at least $100 million.
So he's not going to, he's not like on the streets. I mean, he's going to.
Just go to Austin with Tony. I don't know. Army Hammer, Kevin Spacey.
They could start like a new Hollywood over there. A thousand percent. In Austin, you think? In Austin. Even the actors. Start a production company. Yeah. You know what I mean? What do we say to Austin? We're never going to go. No thanks. No thank you.
I go, going where? He goes, to Vegas. He went to the management and goes, I'm taking the little Chinese guy. He didn't know I was Korean. Right. To Vegas right now. So I literally, no toothbrush, no clothes. No problem. I literally get on a plane with him. He goes, you're good luck. He lost $850,000 in 12 hours. And then when we got back, he didn't talk to me for three years. Of course.
Yes, that's us. Someone's got to do it. He's a good example of someone I met early. I love him. You know what I mean? I love him. I fucking love him, too. He's like a brother to me, right? He's brilliant. But I'm so glad I met him early. I know what you mean.
You've never had a conversation with him before then.
You can't get a Heisman. Yes, we can.
You're going to cut some things out because I'm going to tell them what to cut out. Can you?
I already know jokes in my head that didn't work. It's in my head right now. But it's a podcast.
So you just kind of do a thing.
Why does Rogan call out bad jokes? One time I did a joke, like last time I was on it, and he goes, ha, ha, ha.
It's the most stressful podcast I've ever... You have to admit, both of you, that doing this podcast, it doesn't feel like this. It feels a little bit more elevated. It's the hardest show.
You will get a Heisman. A Pulitzer, and I want to get the Medal of Freedom.
You know that. Listen, I'm so happy. Are you? I'm in a perfect place in my life.
Ah. I can't, I can't get the call. Oh, they put a pin in you. They pin you. Right. And then like, you're in the mix. Yeah. Right. And then two months goes by and you see a billboard of it. Yeah. I guess I'm not in the mix. You know what I mean? It's like, I can't do it.
Yeah, well. It was a nightmare. Was that your fault? I think so. I think I gave him bad energy there.
Yeah. So you read. You know if you read well, right? Always, yeah. Then the next day you get a call like you're in the mix. They like you. They put a pin in you. They like you. Is that the same thing? Same thing. Yeah. Right. And then it goes, and this is your agent not knowing. Right. When they say that. Yeah. Like, you know, still, you know, you know how this works. You're right there.
Right there. Yeah. You know, they haven't gotten a call. That means they don't know what's happening. They don't know what's happening.
And it was the first time where I go, oh, stars can do anything because we were at the gate. At LAX. Yeah. And he just lit up a cigarette.
No, they say this. They're moving in a different direction. They're moving in a different direction.
We know what's going on. Well, we are dumb, but we're not that dumb. We are dumb.
That's it. So for Whitney's show, Whitney, her sitcom. Yeah. The TV show? Yeah, everyone auditioned for it, right? And I started outwardly complaining that I didn't get an audition. I guess it got to her. So one day... They called me in, right? But it was for a part they had already cast.
At the gate. Yeah. And I go, you can do that? He goes, I can. And he just started smoking. But he can. And then they said, put it out. And he just threw it and popped it. That's fine. That's amazing.
Wow. And then I didn't even get a casting director. I got some lady with a camera, like an iPhone. And I swear to God, we were in some sort of storage room. Just do it real quick like this. You know what I mean? It was just to call me in. That's why.
Here's what I don't like though. Yeah. Since we're talking about it. Yeah. I love you so much. I love you. Is when you get an offer, that's even worse. Yeah. Because you show up on set and you're like, am I going to do it right? Yeah, am I going to fuck it up? Because the worst thing is when you're doing it and you see the producers look, you know, from Video Village and they're like concerned.
Yeah. Like, oh shit, he's doing it wrong. You know what I mean? And then they have to come to you while you're, it's the day you're shooting. Yeah. Right. They give you a thousand notes. Oh, scary. It's so stressful. Right.
That's why I like that movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Yeah.
Like even, you know, that scene on DiCaprio's in his trailer and just ripping on himself because he forgot a line or whatever. It just felt so like real to me.
Tim, I think you checked out for a second.
No, no, I think you checked out.
Well, you know, no, I can say something, too. Why? It's an attack. Why? It's not an attack. It's not an attack. Stop it. I auditioned for it, and I was close. You were so close. I got really close. That would have been great if you weren't there. It would have been great. Two wins for me. I have no control. You know, as you know, we have no control. No control. Yeah, yeah.
Can we talk about one last movie, and then we can go? Yeah. I had an Olympic burp. Sorry. Okay.
When gypsies dance at all at a party, I get scared.
Also, Nosferatu is Lemmy from Motorhead. Like, what the fuck are we doing here? I agree with you. He's not scary at all. No, it's crazy. He has a mustache. It's like, what the fuck is going on here, dude? The whole thing's stupid.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to say this. She... She's killer. Steals the movie. What's her name again? Lily Rose Depp.
Yeah, but we got to get the power back. Nah. Like Public Enemy said.
Johnny Depp's daughter. She saves it, don't you think?
The scary parts, you know what I mean?
They didn't mean that. They weren't talking about that? They didn't mean that. I don't really know their lyrics.
That's literally you and I in bed. That's us. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hello. Go ahead. If we didn't know each other, we're at the Abbey. Yes. Right? Yeah. I just keep thinking that's you and me. It's so funny. And, like, I look the way I do. Yeah. Am I someone that you would hit on? I've hung out with Asians. No, but me specifically. Like, my look. I don't know.
No. I don't know. That's a no. It's perhaps.
But that would be the only reason. It's the only reason. Do you prefer white men?
Yeah. Right. Come on. Big difference. I get it. Come on. Right. What I'll be doing there is I'm cleaning off the pole. Don't they have poles there? You're always cleaning the poles. When they're dancing or whatever, right? Don't they dance? Yeah. You clean the poles. Yeah, I clean the poles. So I'm not sexy to you.
Changed my mind. Yeah, changed my mind. Anyway, thanks for having us on.
Okay, so Tim, let me ask you a question, friend. Sure. And I want your little advice, my friend. Yeah, please. I'm with the date. Yeah. We go to fucking Boiling Crab.
do you like that place so much in hollywood boiling crab no we went to one in northridge he loves that he loves boiling crab i love crabs boiled he loves boiled crab okay okay and that's my thing so anyway it's great so the one in hawaii tim yeah okay for years i've been doing selfies there you've seen my selfies yeah yeah the boiling crab i know they owe you money they owe me money then the corporate right would text me back like dm me back and go thank you for publicizing
I take a date to the fucking Northern. Everyone in the fucking lobby. That does look good. Everyone in the lobby recognizes me, right? Yeah. Staff, I still had to wait an hour and a half. That's not right. Be honest. No, that's not right. I'm going to take the power back.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is. That is. That's not what I'm saying. No, what I'm saying is that maybe 45 minutes.
It's a pure energy that you don't even know anything about, and I'm going to tell you something else, my friend. Learn, Tim. This is for you to learn. I'm going to teach you some shit right now, dude. Thank you. In Idaho, remember we were in Idaho or whatever?
We had a guy call a fancy restaurant. And then not only do they say no, they go, we don't even want these guys in the building. That's right.
They were not interested. They were so fucking rude. What's that place called? I don't remember. I want to rip them apart. Why do you think that is? He's only got a brand of humor. They're more Bargatze people, I guess.
You never take me to Ocean Prime.
So Ocean Prime, Nobu Malibu, what else?
You said... And a lot of Asians. There was an Asian in the store. Let me tell you something about Asians. Yes. Okay?
Yeah, that's a good one. He's exclusive at every place that people... But there's some places he probably doesn't get treated well, though.
Ooh. He's got the swagger of a high school bully. You want me to put you in a locker? See? That's good. He'll do it. I'll put you in a locker and put your wedgie on your face.
He knows a lot about Asians. Yeah. But I'm going to tell you something about it because I am one. Yeah. If you don't know, my friend. I do. Okay. It depends on what kind. That's right.
Yeah. They're just starting fights. Yeah. Like, I would pick you up upside down, stick your head in the toilet, but you're too fat. Okay. All right. I mean, that's uncalled for.
Sorry. That was my bad. I love you.
48 hours of constant vomiting. It was wild to watch. Interesting. It's cool to see it go to work. Can I tell you what happened to that guy?
The first 48 hours, she just vomits.
How was it? Yeah, A Complete Unknown. A Complete Unknown.
He did it. I worked with Monica Barbaro on a sitcom. Well, why wouldn't he do it, though?
Yeah, she was on splitting up together. And even then I knew, oh, I'm never going to see this person again. She was just good. No, because she got Maverick while we were shooting.
That's what I thought. Because I thought you were going to do the machete one with the brown shorts that are all cut up. No. No shoes. Those, they don't know nothing.
Not next. And I think Gaga's done, but go on. Okay, I want to say something, okay? Number two, okay? Number one, I know people that like that movie. The Joker? Whoa. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Okay? We also, it could be one of those movies, it might stand the test of time. And 10 years from now, it could be genius. No. No. That's not how it works. By the way, thank you. Oh, yeah.
And also, I want to say something about A Complete Unknown, because I didn't say my opinion.
He looks good. He looks real good. Okay, so first of all, Monica Barbaro was also a guest star on Splitting Up Together. She wasn't a regular.
She's killing it. And number two, let me tell you about a complete unknown.
Okay. I didn't want to go. My friend Gene wanted to go.
We sat in the theater. I'm a huge Bob Dylan fan. Always have been. Yeah. Okay? As soon as you see him on screen, you go, oh, this is going to be good.
It's Bob Dylan. It looks like Bob Dylan. He did it. He did it. He kills it!
Better than Rami Malek. He did great as queen, right? Two completely different things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Austin Butler, great Elvis, right? Yeah. I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I liked it. I'll tell you, Brett. This dude kills it.
If you want to make a trail in Vietnam, I'm not saying that that's the kind... No, for sure.