Brad Guy

But especially in hospital and my initial stages of recovery, every time I closed my eyes, I could feel myself falling.

Oh, shit.

Could not sleep, especially that first night, but could not sleep really forever.

And that's something I've only really gotten a grip on the past couple of years.

But...

I would get so disoriented by this vertigo when I'd close my eyes that I'm just ringing the nurse.

I'm like, knock me out.

I need sleeping pills.

I need something.

But basically I had to spend that entire night reliving something that had happened to me that I still really couldn't make sense of.

I think my initial reaction was just searching for answers, but always landing on this is my fault.

And I didn't even know what survivor's guilt was at the time.

Literally had no idea.

But accepting that I had done something bad to myself and...

I'm paying the price.

Very strange conclusion to come to because it doesn't make sense.

And that is probably the number one thing people respond to most when I tell my story is how could you feel guilty?

It wasn't your fault or you did nothing wrong.

Don't feel bad.

It's like, okay, cool.