Bron Lewis

You wanted to be home.

You wanted to have him here.

You wanted him to be awake.

You wanted him to stir if he was asleep.

These are the things you want.

How would you put him down?

Like what are you talking about?

So I'd just carry him and constantly be like, oh, God, you're so lucky, you're so lucky, you're so lucky.

And then it started, the wheels kind of fell off when the, and I noticed, when I noticed this had happened was when I was sitting in my backyard, this gorgeous lush green backyard in Brisbane and

And looking up at this jacaranda tree and all the purple flowers were everywhere and the sun was coming through the leaves and it was just stunning and I was holding my healthy baby boy and the sun was so like warm and I've been thinking like this should feel good and it doesn't.

Like I don't, there's nothing wrong.

And I feel sick to my stomach.

It just didn't add up.

And I remember Lucas coming out in the afternoon.

I was there.

He goes, are you all right?

I was like, I don't know, actually.

Nothing felt lovely.

Like even the girls' laughs, which I love to death, their laughs, even they laughed.

Felt different.